Episode #787
How can individuals foster genuine change within their relationships?
What role does consistency and authenticity play in personal growth and transformation?
In this episode of the TPM show, host Doug welcomes his wife Erin back to the podcast to explore these questions and offer invaluable insights into navigating the complexities of romantic partnerships.
As they delve into the dynamics of fostering positive change, Doug and Erin emphasize the importance of internal validation and modeling consistent behavior. Through their discussion, listeners gain practical advice on cultivating fulfilling relationships grounded in authenticity and mutual growth.
In this episode, you’ll learn about the transformative power of focusing on personal growth and authenticity within relationships.
Doug and Erin delve into the significance of internal validation and making changes for oneself rather than seeking external validation from a partner. By highlighting the role of consistency and authenticity in nurturing healthy partnerships, they provide listeners with actionable strategies for fostering deeper connections and personal fulfillment in their relationships.
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Transcription
Erin Holt 00:02
Subconsciously, there’s, like, tied into, like, is this real? Like, there will be, like, a little bit of a safety test. Like, oh, you used to be the person that did this. Like, are you still, like, if I poke the bear, what will happen? And that does happen subconsciously, in some ways, I’m a little bit conscious, but it’s also just remembering, like, what every woman wants. No matter. Like, I’m independent, I’m successful. I can do all these things all by myself, and it’s one. And what every woman wants is to be able to lean back into her man and have it. Like you said, you’re the oak tree. I am safe. I can lean into you and just let go here. This is a super sacred space between you and I that I can count on you for that.
Doug Holt 00:43
Hey, guys. Welcome back to another episode of the TPM show. I am here greeted once again by my beautiful wife, Erin. She’s here back by popular demand, if you will, to provide a woman’s perspective. So, Erin, babe, thanks for being here.
Erin Holt 00:57
Thanks for having me again. I love it.
Doug Holt 01:00
Yeah, I’m excited about this one. Again, we got a great response. The last time you were on. I got a lot of private messages from men just saying it was really nice and refreshing to get a woman’s perspective, in particular, yours.
Erin Holt 01:13
Yeah, it’s been really satisfying to do this with you and to hear the conversations happening. It’s really enjoyable.
Doug Holt 01:17
It is. As you know, I’m a little under the weather, so operating about 30%, being generous to myself, but we’ll make it through this. One of the things I did in our private community, and, guys, you’ll see me look in my phone if you’re watching this, I’m going to read them, is I asked guys to. What kind of questions would they like me to ask you? And also in our private community, on Facebook, guys responded. So I’m going to read a couple of questions as we go through this, and we’ll work our way through.
So this one’s from chief, and it’s a three part question, but I’ll take number two for chief here. He’d like to know your opinion on how to get a woman to see you for the man you are, not the man you used to be. What are your thoughts on that?
Erin Holt 02:02
Super, super good question. Because as we grow in our marriages, it can seem like it’s this paradox of, like, you’re our partner being like, oh, my goodness. Thank goodness. I’ve wanted this for so long. Finally doing XYZ, whatever that is, or not doing XYZ. It’s like finally say they like paradox with, oh, my goodness, what does this change mean for me? My marriage? Is he going to want to leave or find somebody else or all the fear that comes in, even though it’s what we want? Right?
So we can get in this sticky pattern of wanting that and also, in a weird way, testing our partner. Are you really doing this or is this a show? Right? And so the first part of the answer, I haven’t think I would say, might sound kind of boring, but at the same time, it works.
Consistency and modeling, just like when you’re raising kids, consistent behavior of who you are and representing yourself in a way where you’re really proud of yourself and cleaning up your side of the street when things happen and just modeling it, it’s like who you are being, who is your energy? How are you showing up time and time again? And she will feel it. She will for sure notice a difference in your energy. Your woman is attuned to you as her man. So that’s like a layer of that question. Do you want to go ahead?
Doug Holt 03:37
Yeah. Because I get this from men a lot, and what tends to happen in my experience with these guys, and it happened with me early on in our relationship, too, and I’m sure it’s happened in previous relationships where I’ll decide that I want to move the needle somehow in the relationship and I’ll do something in order to get something else right.
So set another way. If I want you to see a change within me, I’ll do it, and I’ll await your reaction, which then becomes external validation, which then further reinforces your doubt of the transformation. So again, let me say this in a way that some of the guys are like, what are you talking about? That some of the guys can get. They’re listening to this.
When we as men or people, women, same way of women, by the way. But when we as people, if I do something for Erin, if I do something for Erin that I want her to see a change, like maybe it’s all of a sudden, I start cooking dinner every night, which I know would be amazing. Let’s just say I start cooking dinner every night because I want her to see how amazing of a man I am right now. If I’m doing that one, at first she’s going to go, oh, this is great. He’s cooking dinner every night. But she’s also going to feel the energetic shift that I’m doing this for a reason. Right?
Now, it becomes a transaction. And what it’s showing is I’m giving you, Aaron, the power, saying that you have the control of how I show up as a man. Because your reaction to what my action is, your reaction to it determines my self-worth. Ergo, this is a temporary change. Right? And you can throw me off balance at any point. Therefore, you’re not safe. And so for chief, what I want to make sure he understands. And every other guy listening to this, your woman needs to know that you’ve made this change. Not making, you’ve made this change for yourself first.
So therefore, it’s grounded and solid, like an oak tree grounded in its roots. She’ll know the difference. She’ll know if you’re faking or you’re being needy. So I’m going to call the first thing, like, if I’m doing cooking dinner to get a result from Erin, that’s needy energy, because it’s external validation outside of myself.
However, if I just decide, you know, what, I want to cook dinner every night, because I love cooking. I want to do it for my family. I want to put love into the food, all of these other things that people that cook would think. And I’m doing it because regardless of Erin’s reaction, then you’re going to pick up and these guys, your wives, your partners, are going to pick up that energy and realize that that’s actually solid and it’s going to stick around.
Erin Holt 06:20
Absolutely. Yeah. Well said. And coming back to like, she will be attuned to your energy of how you show up. And also, it is when we do change, even though it’s welcome in a way, it’s like, subconsciously there’s tied into, like, is this real? There will be a little bit of a safety test, like, oh, you used to be the person that did this. Are you still, if I poke the bear, what will happen? And that does happen subconsciously in some ways and a little bit conscious, but it’s also just remembering what every woman wants. No matter. I’m independent, I’m successful, I can do all these things all by myself. And it’s wonderful.
And what every woman wants is to be able to, if you can’t see on the video, but just lean back into her man and have it. Like you said, you’re the oak tree. I am safe. I can lean into you and just let go here. This is a super sacred space between you and I that I can count on you for that.
Doug Holt 07:24
Yeah. And that’s something. And I’m going to touch on that in a little bit. And I’m glad you brought that up because it’s something I thought about for our conversation today that we’re doing. I’m going to go into it in a second, so you might have to remind me because my brain is just not working the way it normally does.
Erin Holt 07:40
Got you.
Doug Holt 07:41
Thank you. And also, I think the guys really need to just reinforce this. Like, how do you convince the original question, how do I convince her I’m the man I am today, not the man I used to be? To your point, you got to show up every day regardless. So this is what the analogy we use is. The lighthouse, regardless of the storm. A lot of people, men, an example, they turn the lighthouse on when it’s convenient. Right? They turn the lighthouse. The light from the lighthouse is on when it’s convenient. And when the going gets rough, they turn it off because it’s easier. They get triggered, emotions come up. But then that lighthouse no longer becomes trustworthy. Right?
I can’t trust that it’s going to be safe for me from a woman’s perspective. And I think it also comes back to, are you doing this for yourself regardless? And I was talking to a group of men we have that are going through The Activation Method, which is our flagship program. They’re going through the relationship component of that.
And one of the guys was asking, he’s like, hey, my wife and I are separated right now. I’m making all these changes. I feel the best I’ve ever felt. Is she going to notice? And my reaction to him was twofold. First and foremost, do it for yourself because if you don’t, if you’re doing it for her reaction, she’ll pick up on that a mile away. And the second thing is, she probably will notice. But if you do it for yourself, your stock just rises. You just become a better person, a better man, a better husband if you stay together, a better father, better member of your community, and just a better human being. And most of the men that listen to this show invest a little bit here, some more than others. But you don’t want to invest in a stock that’s going down. You want to vest in a stock that’s going up.
Erin Holt 09:22
Yeah. And tied in with that, too, is one of the fastest ways to improve any relationship. First and foremost, the one with yourself, is to focus on yourself. It’s, like, counterintuitive, where we kind of get in these weird, co-dependent patterns with partners after longer term relationships and remembering what Doug is saying, when you are making sure to really take positive care of yourself and stop focusing outward trying to change your partner, stop your partner from doing this or cleaning up the mess that your partner makes emotionally or whatever, and just remembering, trusting that they are a full grown adult and that they are responsible for themselves and you are responsible for you and you being responsible for yourself and your happiness and your joy and your health and your wealth and whatever success means to you and your fatherhood and motherhood. You will find more joy in your relationship because you’re bringing the energy back to you. You’re not going to be so drained.
Doug Holt 10:25
100%. Yeah. A lot of us, I mean, you and I did this early on.
Erin Holt 10:28
Oh, for sure. We are deep co-dependency patterns.
Doug Holt 10:31
Well, not only that, what I was going to say is it’s kind of that story like, s***. If Erin just changes this and that and that realizes how amazing I am, then no problem. I mean, I know you didn’t think that about me, but I certainly thought that about you. Oh, she only changes these things. And so a lot of men get into this thing of like, again, how do my wife to do the work? The way you do it, to start off with is you do the work right. You model that work, as you said earlier, first, wrong. Right? You got to be consistent and you got to model, which is do it yourself.
The thing I wanted to bring up that I was thinking about earlier, and this is something I’m still working on personally. I know your answer, but maybe I’ll let the guys hear it first, is sometimes when I find you, I’m just going to say, being moody, or whatever it may be, my reaction is just, okay, fine, I’ll just give her space. And if we’re in a disagreement, I used to do this all the time and just I walk away and give space, which I thought was the right thing to do and what you want, regardless of your action, the way you act. What is it you’ve told me that you really want?
Erin Holt 11:38
I want you to come to me.
Doug Holt 11:40
Yeah. So at Erin’s, you’ve told me directly. And guys, I want you to listen to this. Where I thought, fine, she just wants space because we’re not getting along. I’ll use the term moody, whatever it is. And so my reaction, I think this is most men’s reaction, fine, I’m just going to give her space. She’s kind of being bitchy. What have you. And you say, no in those times. What I really want you to do is you don’t say this, but my interpretation is weather the storm. But what you do say is I want you to pull me in during those times and hold me closer and let me know everything’s going to be okay. Let me know that you love me.
Erin Holt 12:15
Yes. Because most of the time, every now and, like, once a year, I get moody or something like that. Yeah.
Doug Holt 12:20
It’s even rare than that.
Erin Holt 12:22
If we’re having a tough day or things are building up or whatever it is, and I’m acting in a way that I’m not my best, not proud of, there’s always something underneath it. Right? It’s not the surface level of whatever this little snippet comment is about trash or whatever. There’s always some sort of hurt or sadness or disappointment under it.
And so it’s like when you pull me in and you’re like, hey, what’s really going on? Sometimes it might even take me a minute to just be like, hey, this is actually what’s really. I’m really affected by this. And I didn’t realize it, and it’s coming out sideways. Yeah. A lot of times, just remembering, like, when your partner is acting not their best, there’s usually something else going on underneath it.
Doug Holt 13:06
Yeah. I’m going to further drive this home, if that’s okay. And this is my learning, is as a guy, I’m thinking I’m going to be the nice guy and back off. Plus, it’s easier, by the way. Right? Just easier to back off. And maybe I need my own space at that point. But when I take leadership and pull you in, you feel safer. You feel more reassured. In our relationship together, I would say that your verbiage would be, you feel like I’m more your man.
Erin Holt 13:34
Yes, exactly.
Doug Holt 13:35
That’s what every man wants.
Erin Holt 13:37
Yeah. Like, you are my man. I can lean into you and fall and break apart, and it’s a safe place to do that.
Doug Holt 13:43
Do you think every woman wants that?
Erin Holt 13:44
Absolutely.
Doug Holt 13:45
Okay. I want to drive it home for the guys.
Erin Holt 13:50
Absolutely.
Doug Holt 13:52
And so even when this is something, I’m working with the guy one on one right now, and he’s discovering, in fact, his partner even said something to the effect of she was scared that he can now see her because he’s doing so much growth on himself that he’s starting to realize not only stuff inward inside of himself, but he’s also recognizing stuff in her. And her response was, it scares me that you can start to see me. Right?
And he just didn’t say anything. And they parted ways. And to me, that was a bid for safety. Like, no, she’s telling you to comfort her, pull her in and say, you’re safe. Regardless of what I see, what happens. I love you. Is that a fair assessment?
Erin Holt 14:36
Yeah. And I think it’s just remembering it can be a really beautiful thing in a relationship when one, hopefully both people kind of take a stand for themselves of wanting more and wanting more depth, more connection, more emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. All of those outcomes come with you taking the best care of yourself. So, yeah, just reminding her that is what he wants as well. Right?
Doug Holt 15:06
Yeah. And, guys, when we want this for ourselves, it also gives permission for our wives to take care of know. Erin, you coach women, as most of the guys know. And so a lot of the women are feeling underappreciated, overwhelmed. You talk about this idea of motherwhelmed, right? They got the kids, they got work, they got all these things that, the responsibilities they’re looking at.
And so society tells your wives, guys, that they have to live up to this standard. They have to be cover model beautiful. They have to be the perfect mom, the perfect parent, the perfect wife, the perfect friend, and all these unachievable things. And, guys, we get it, too, which is a little bit different to go in there, but when you start taking care of yourself as a man, you give her permission to do so and goes vice versa.
Erin Holt 15:56
Absolutely. Yeah.
Doug Holt 15:59
So, Chief has one more question on here.
Erin Holt 16:00
Okay.
Doug Holt 16:01
And his question, I’ll read it real quick. He’s got three questions. But, chief, I’ll give you this other one. He said, would you like a male or female Bernie doodle when he comes to The Ranch? He wants to buy you a dog.
Erin Holt 16:13
Not right now. I can’t keep anything else alive.
Doug Holt 16:16
So thanks, chief. Appreciate the gifts, guys, when you send them, but, yeah. So, guys, driving this home, let’s give these guys three things that they could do right now. They’re doing the work on themselves. They’re showing up as better men in their relationships in particular. But we’ll talk about their lives as well. What are three things that guys can do right now coming off of this insight? To allow their wives to more fully see them as the best versions of themselves, not the guy they may have been in the past.
Erin Holt 16:45
Yeah. Again, it’s a boring answer, but it works. Just model it. Be the man you’re proud of being like you’re the behavior, the thoughts, the way you speak, how you show up for you, yourself, your people, your family. Be proud of it. It will be contagious. And pretty quickly, actually. Pretty quickly. It’s what she actually wants. It’s just change can be. It changes the equilibrium of everything. So that can just be a little wobbly at first. But consistently modeling is like, highlight that over and over and over again. I think that would be one, two, and three.
And then also remember, underneath all of this, keep it fun. Bring fun into your own life. I think sometimes we forget to bring fun and joy into our lives as adults. And if you ever think about things that make you feel alive, like, for me, one of the things I love to do is downhill skiing. It makes me feel alive.
So I come back a better version of me for everybody that I love, family everywhere, clients, friends. And so it’s just like, remember to make time and space for both of you to do things that bring you joy. And you might not know what that is. Sometimes we get really disconnected from it when we get really serious in our adulthood and all our responsibilities. But you’re allowed to have fun.
Doug Holt 18:08
I love it. I love it. I’m going to add a couple little pointers on there for the guys to drive it home because I know I’ll get these questions from the guys. And what Erin’s saying is exactly right. Consistency is the key. And this is also why men who join The Activation Method for relationships, it’s our flagship program. As I said, some guys within a week will turn around divorce papers to passionate love making again. And it’s because their woman sees them making changes, but she can also feel that he’s doing them for the right reasons. Yeah, he’s not doing them to get her back, he’s doing them to get him back.
Erin Holt 18:45
Exactly. And also tied in with what you just said. I think sometimes we create the story. I know I have in the past that this change is going to take so long and just be so hard and uphill. Both ways type thing, transformation and change can happen real fast. If you raise your hand in this program or being coached, allow yourself to believe this can happen really fast. I’ve seen it in our lives, in our marriage. I’ve experienced it with my clients. And personally, once you’re in the mindset of like, okay, I’m ready for more, raise your hand. It can happen super-fast.
Doug Holt 19:21
It can. And again, guys, I’m going to drive home the last two points if I can. One is do this for yourself. Internal validation first. The second thing is just know that whenever you invest in yourself, your stock rises. Whether people around you see it initially or not, it rises. It’s kind of like we start working out. We were talking about this, you and I, yesterday. You don’t notice changes for a while, and it’s when six weeks down the line, you still don’t really notice the changes as much.
And you run into that friend at the grocery store, you run into someone who’s like, whoa, you look amazing. And that’s when it dawns on you. Because sometimes these micro commitments, these micro changes take a little bit of time.
Again, to your point, though, that change can become instantly, internally. It may take people a little while to see it. And if you’ve been a jerk for ten years, don’t expect your wife to change in ten days, her perception of you. It might take a little bit of time and show up consistently, because if you’re not showing up consistently, why should she believe you anyway?
Erin Holt 20:21
Yeah.
Doug Holt 20:22
Awesome. So I always ask other guests, I didn’t ask you this last time, if men want to learn more about what you’re doing with women or send their women to you, where do they go?
Erin Holt 20:33
Website at sweatdirtandsoul.com and I will be starting a small high touch group at the end of March for women to come together. And it’s condensed version, putting it in, it’s like remembering who you are and remembering that, who you are, what your needs are, what you want to do at this stage of your life, deeply exploring the divine feminine and the power of that and your intuition and how you can bring that into your life.
And just remembering that a whole happy woman creates a whole happy, harmonious home and marriage that is juicier and sexier and more fun. And that the biggest underlying part of this for me is always touching the kids. Like kids that are raised by whole and happy and harmonious homes. Just what a gift to give to those children that they can then later on be adults that are whole and happy and create that. And the cycle continues.
Doug Holt 21:30
So, yeah, amen to that. I love it. Yeah. Thanks for being here again.
Erin Holt 21:31
Thank you.
Doug Holt 21:34
Gentlemen, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Erin’s given you several insights. Number one, two and three were be consistent, show up consistent and model the behavior. If you want to change anybody’s mind, just be authentically you in life. And I think we can all do that a little bit more and certainly up level our game. So, guys, until now, see you next time on the TPM show.
All right, guys, that’s a wrap for this episode. But as I always say in the moment of insight, take massive action. You see, there are two types of men that listen to a podcast like this, those that go on from one podcast or show to another just hoping things are going to change and realizing that they’re going to be in the same place month after month, year after year.
You see, I was this guy so I completely get it. You may just not be ready. But there’s also a second man, a second man that listens to a show just like this. And this is a guy who takes massive action so they can shorten the learning curve, compress time, and get RESULTS to be the WOLF. See, WOLF is an acronym for Wise, Open, Loving, and Fierce.
Now ask yourself, which one am I? And just be honest with yourself there. And there’s no judgment on my end. But if you’re ready to move from deactivated DEER mode, which is Defend, Excuse, Explain, and React to activated WOLF, Wise, Open, Loving and Fierce, then go over to thepowerfulman.com/grow. And go there now. In fact, I’ll make it super easy for you. I will even put the link right in the description here so you can just click it and go over there now to learn more. Guys, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Go from deactivated to activated, because like I said, life is too short for average and I’ll see you on the next episode!
