A Woman’s Take: How To Help Your Wife Find Her Path

Episode #757

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Doug Holt  00:46

Hey, guys, welcome back to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. And in case you weren’t here last time, I am once again joined by my beautiful wife, Erin, who not only again, is the mother of our two beautiful children, but also has been coaching women for over a decade, with her company, Sweat, Dirt & Soul. And so Erin is sticking around. We have a little bit of time for child pickup. This is real life, guys. You guys know how this goes. So she’s going to stick around and answer some more questions. 

Now babe, two of the guys asked a similar question. I’m going to throw it and kind of mix them in for you. Does that work? 

Erin Holt  00:20

Yes. 

Doug Holt  00:21

Awesome. So the questions kind of went like this, and I’ll set the scene. Basically, the men have been going through the program and they’ve grown exponentially. They’ve grown in all the five territories. So that’s self, health, wealth, relationships, and business, the first five territories that we focus on with a man that enters our program. 

And then generally, what happens is, is their wife is watching. She’s like, “Okay, I see you. I see you.” And he is up-leveling, and she’s staying where she is. Now she’s probably doing some stuff on the side, listening to a podcast, reading some books. But she has expressed interest in doing the work but hasn’t taken action. How can a man lovingly guide his wife and help her find a way to a coach, to a program that’s going to fulfill her?

Erin Holt  02:10

The most simple answer is probably what they’re already doing is modeling. Like, modeling being their best selves around her consistently. The number one thing not to do is to tell her to do this. Nobody likes to be told what to do. 

Doug Holt  02:26

Go fix yourself. 

Erin Holt  02:27

“Something’s wrong with you, go get this coaching.” Absolutely wrong way to go, right. We might have all been there. I don’t know. Maybe.

Doug Holt  02:33

Yeah, maybe. Once or twice. 

Erin Holt  02:36

Yeah. But with that said, if there’s any women listening or if you want to share this with your wife, they can think about it like this. Sometimes, I know for a lot of women, like, yes, there’s like the idea like, oh, my gosh, like, I would love to feel happier. I would love to feel more peaceful and harmonious and feel better about myself and feel more purpose. Yeah, that all sounds really good on paper. But sometimes the drive for a woman is really strong by an external thing. Like, for example, the biggest gift you can give to your children is a happy mom, period. That will drive a woman because it’s true. And every woman wants to be the best version of herself for her children and provide them with the best life possible. 

One of the most beautiful ways you can do that is by being the best version of yourself. And I will say it till I’m blue in the face. It’s a very big life skill. And I think most people aren’t taught. I know I wasn’t even though I had a wonderful childhood, how to love yourself. The more you know how to love yourself, the more love you have to give, the more love you’re going to be able to receive, how to be your own best friend and talk to yourself like your own best friend. 

Like, you will be such a better version of yourself for everybody in your life, most importantly yourself but your children, your husband, everybody you come in contact with, you will actually feel more energy because you are doing things to fill your soul, not external things to fill a void. Like the shopping, or the overeating, or the overdrinking, whatever. I’ve been there, done that. No shame at all. And it’s like you will feel a fulfillment that you might not be able to access right now because you’re doing it from a place where you don’t feel good about your actions, you’re lacking something so you’re doing something to get something instead of being filled up and making choices from a filled up place of are you proud of the way you’re behaving? 

I know I’ve been in places where I haven’t felt that great about myself. When I look back, I’m like, “Wow, I don’t even know who that was.” That was a version of me, like, I’m not as proud of my behavior now. Like now, where like you… Yeah, so that’s it. If you are the best version of yourself, you will be the best mother. And like for me, when I say that, my heart rate goes up, because I love working with women. 

Obviously, you work with men, I work with women. But for me, the overarching picture, it’s always about the children. Like, if you can get the moms standing on their own two feet, like it makes me cry. It’s such a gift to be responsible for somebody’s childhood. So if you can do what you need to do to be the best version, heal yourself, learn how to love yourself, and take the steps to be the best you, like those children, that’s such a gift.

Doug Holt  05:23

I love that. Love it. And you’ve done a great job with our children, a great job as a mother, as you know. I know you can never not hear it enough. At the same time, I think what a lot of us guys can forget at times, you know, for us, we have two children. And seven years ago, we jointly made a decision that you were going to leave your career and take, do what I think is the biggest job is taking care of our kids. 

Having said that, in our conversations, I don’t think a lot of guys are able to have the conversation that you and I get to have. What I’ve picked up on is, one is how happy and proud you’ve never changed anything about that decision. And what guys get to also realize is that, they’re going to their jobs growing, they’re going to their businesses and growing. Whereas a stay at home mom, so to speak, doesn’t have as much opportunity to do so. And that’s where the growth element can come in really handy.

Erin Holt  06:25

Yeah. So yeah, we didn’t make the choice for me to drastically at certain points completely shut down my business or step back or just have it be a lot slower for the primary parent reason. It’s a really big job. And I know personally and most people that are interested in growth, there was times where I just felt really stagnant. Like, I’m somebody who’s going to crave growth and learning and changing and healing and expanding as everybody listening to this podcast would be. 

So I know there’s certain seasons for that, like when I have a newborn, that is where I am. That takes everything you got. When you’re out of that phase, especially that first year, like there’s more capacity that comes back for other parts of life. And like, yes, I am a mother. It’s one of my most proud things. I also have other parts of myself that get my attention, and my energy and my time, so that I can show up as a better person for me and a wife and a mom, and that just goes on and on. Right? 

Doug Holt  07:22

Yeah. Well, that’s the point I guess I’m bringing up. There’s two points I want to bring up. But one is, I wonder if some of these women feel like maybe not deserving of going through a coaching program to better themselves, and/or have fear or trepidation of like, well, I kind of gave up my career. I’ve switched. 

Erin Holt  07:43

Yeah. Who am I now? 

Doug Holt  07:44

Who am I now? 

Erin Holt  07:44

Huge identity loss. I went through it, and I knew it was coming. You will never be the same person if you birth a child, if you adopt a child, however, you become a mother, you’re never going to be the same, you’re going to have an identity shift after every child. It’s wobbly. It’s beautiful. It’s super wobbly. It’s scary. It’s freaky. And for a long time, I fought it and I know a lot of women that do. Like I used to do this and I used to be able to do this, and it’s like, you’re just not the same. And that’s okay. So it’s really been helpful for me. And I know women I work with do find support to help me grow into the next version of me, the next season of me and understanding what I get to let go of so that I can make room for the next version of me because we’re always going to shift and change. Does that answer your question? 

Doug Holt  08:30

Well, it does. It does. I’m thinking of this from… 

Erin Holt  08:34

A man’s perspective? 

Doug Holt  08:35

Not only a man’s perspective, but I’m trying to go back and unlearn the things that I’ve learned over time, if that makes sense, so I can ask questions to help the guys listening to this to the highest degree. Let’s talk a second about this concept of mother whelmed. What is mother whelmed? 

Erin Holt  08:52

Basically it’s a big term where it’s like I’m sure you’ve heard around like the mother lode, mother whelmed. And it’s a big job to be a parent in general. I’m just going to talk about it from a mother’s perspective. I’m not putting down dads or anything, but we hold a lot of responsibility for other people’s lives. And it seems simple, everyday stuff, but day on, day out it’s like remembering the soccer uniform, remembering the lunch, who’s allergic to what, which birthday party should they be at, what time this kid needs to be to bed, what time [??? 09:21] 

It’s just like non-stop score, like all the tabs are open all the time. And we’re just like, constantly attuned and aware and responsible for everybody else’s life that we get lost. And that’s where it’s like, if we do that for too long, we start to show up snarky, bitchy, resentful, tired, just like nothing left, because we are constantly taught and I have been here myself to basically make sure everybody else’s life works really well and then we disappear. And that leads to a really unhappy woman and a really unhappy home. 

So it’s like when women can remember like, I am a whole person and I’m a mother, and I’m a wife, and I have desires, and I have needs, and that I am worthy of refiguring out what they are, putting time in my calendar for them, and getting support to make them happen. That’s a happy woman. That’s a happy wife. That’s a happy mom. Like, if we — nobody can exist without getting their needs met. And just being like a puppeteer in everybody’s life and not being happy. Like you’re allowed to be the movie star of your own life.

Doug Holt  10:34

I love it, the movie star of your own life. Would you be the hero, right? Or would you be a background character,

Erin Holt  10:39

But it takes intentional time and effort and it’s literally a skill as a woman, especially once becoming a mom of remembering how to access your needs, know what you need, and take the actions to make them happen. Because once you have children, you need to figure out how to have support through, somehow; babysitters, husbands, having communications about weekly planning, like, “Okay, on Thursday night, I’m doing this for myself, so you’re on the kids from here to here.” On Friday night, and you get to go do your thing. Like, it just takes like the knowing you are worthy of going to do things that are going to make your soul happy.

Doug Holt  11:16

I love that. And you and I have had the advantage of where I’ve been working with some men and you’ve worked with their wives and they’ve said, “Hey, look, why don’t the two of you talk and share notes, because we’re not connecting.” Now short of that, right, and so the advantage there for the guys that are listening to this is I know the man’s point of view, you hear the woman’s point of view. And then you and I get together and we’re like, “Whoa, wait a minute, that’s not what I heard. And that’s interesting, he left that part out, he left the fact that he did X, Y, and Z, or she did this. And we’ve been able to really exchange information which has been great. Apart from that, I know this is all over the place, but the best you can, give me the top three to five reasons women come to you for coaching. They’re coming for you to bet– Like, why do they? Why do they enter in?

Erin Holt  12:09

I would say one of the main ones is it’s like this kind of overall blanket of just like, I don’t know who I am… I’m like depressed, I feel kind of like, externally, things look good, but I don’t feel good. Like I don’t feel that happy. Like I should feel happy. I’m married, I have kids, I have — might have a good job, but I kind of feel dead inside. And I feel guilty that I don’t feel happy. It’s just like this perpetual cycle. That’s one of the really huge, huge ones. 

I do catch people usually at transition points in their life, where they’re like, ah, this use — this [??? 12:42] really used to light me up. I worked so hard in school, I like went to grad school. I’ve poured so many years into this, and I’m miserable. But I don’t know how to make a change because I poured everything into this. What do I do now? Who am I? And learning how to expand your capacity for the next version of you is pretty scary sometimes, is a really common one. Marriages, suffering and just really emotionally fried. So exhausted, so hurt, so tired, and at the point where they’re like, “Okay, I’m ready to do something different to create a different result. And I want my marriage to work. I want this family to stay together,” like huge one. I say those are the top three.

Doug Holt  13:30

Awesome. I mean, those are all great reasons. And I know you’ve also worked with other people that have come in that don’t have kids yet. [crosstalk]

Erin Holt  08:30

Oh, yeah. For sure. 

Doug Holt  13:38

You have someone you’re working with currently. [crosstalk] 

Erin Holt  13:39

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, love her. 

Doug Holt  13:41

Yeah, she’s awesome. So when you think about that, when I think about the reasons, so we get, at The Powerful Man, we get thousands of guys inquiring every week. And my theory is the reasons the guys don’t go further isn’t because of the excuses they give, time, money or whatever. It’s really the trepidation of who will I be? Like, they’re scared. They’re scared to make that commitment, because what’s going to happen next? 

What would you say to a woman that was sitting there and saying geez, coaching really sounds great. My husband, I’ve seen him make just remarkable changes when he was in The Powerful Man program and I would like to do that too. I’m just, I’m not sure what the next step would be.

Erin Holt  14:25

Well, I think for women, well, I know for women a lot of times that it’s subconscious, but it’s a lot about worthiness. Like, am I worth spending this amount of money on? Yes is the answer. And it’s like it’s just stepping into a version of yourself that you don’t even know yet. And it’s like if you could, like the women will get this when I say this, and the men might not because I think you speak to them differently. But any woman right now, if you just close your eyes, what do you see? Like that is the dream and that is possible. Like the best version of you, it’s not just this pipe dream. Like, if you can close your eyes and see it, let’s go. That is 100% possible. You wouldn’t be able to see it if it wasn’t meant for you.

Doug Holt  15:03

I love it. Let’s go. Let’s get it done. Yeah.

Erin Holt  15:06

Yeah. And it’s like you are worthy of spending time, energy, and money on yourself, always.

Doug Holt  15:13

It’s an investment.

Erin Holt  15:14

Yeah. 

Doug Holt  15:15

Right. I always talk to the guys and you’ve seen this, I have this poster above my desk at our house, the ticket, right? You have one ticket to this game we call life, one guaranteed ticket. I know some people have different theories. But one we know that you get for sure. Why not play full out?

Erin Holt  15:31

Yeah. And it’s, I guarantee you, whatever avenue they choose to go, like coaching or whatever. Once you say yes, you’re going to expand and grow in ways that you don’t even know yet. 

Doug Holt  15:43

That happens before the coaching. 

Erin Holt  15:44

Happens every single time.

Doug Holt  15:45

Yep. Has for both of us. 

Erin Holt  15:47

Yeah.

Doug Holt  15:48

Yeah, absolutely amazing. And when we see… As a woman, when you’re coaching a woman and her husband isn’t doing the work, does that family still up level?

Erin Holt  16:05

Yeah, it only takes one, one person to change the dynamic of any relationship in any household. So it’s like, it just takes one and the other partner usually follows at some point when they’re ready, and in their own way. It just takes one. 

Doug Holt  16:23

Other than modeling, because that’s the tip you gave the guy so far. Can you give them something else? We’re guys, we’re practical. We want tools in our toolbox. Can he drop subtle hints? Can he say, “Hey, babe, I just want you to know that we can set aside X time, X dollars, or the other excuse I would imagine from a lot of women, same as men is, I just got all these other responsibilities. Whether it be you know, a lot of the women are going to work full-time, some are going to be stay at home moms, they got to take… I mean, you’re picking up our son here in a couple of minutes. So there’s certain things that are your responsibilities or restrictions. 

Erin Holt  16:57

I would, just say, yeah, saying, like, hey, this has had a really big impact on me and like, I want the best for you, I want you to feel the best that you can feel. Like, I’m more than willing to support you in this. Like, if you want to find a coach that you want to work with, or a therapist or whatever your route is, but just knowing that she has your full support. And it’s like, you know, maybe you have the conversations like this is the amount of finances we can do this year. But if you find somebody that’s more like we can figure something out, like, just knowing she has the support will just relieve, like, the dynamic of like, oh, like, I don’t know if my husband’s going to be for this? Or can we do this or that, like, that will just take that veil away. And so it’s like, okay, hmm, like, who does she want to work with? Like, what’s her next step to be the best version of her?

Doug Holt  17:45

Yeah. And it doesn’t have to be, I mean, doesn’t have to be the chosen methodology. I’ve worked with coaches that you probably haven’t thought were the best ones for what you wanted to fix in me subconsciously or consciously, and vice versa. But really what you’re saying is you’re coming from a paradigm of how can we make this work? Right? And how can we together, come together and see how we can make this fit?

Erin Holt  18:06

Yeah, because look, we’re all going to be busy, but I think one of the biggest responsibilities in our lifetime is just to be responsible for our own happiness. It sounds real simple, but I know I’ve gone through phases where it’s like, I just didn’t feel good on the inside. I was just disconnected from myself, kind of down, a little bit depressed, and you know where that goes. And it’s just like, okay, I’m responsible. Like, I’m the common denominator here. Like, I’m responsible for creating what I want and feeling how I want. And it’s like, “Man, life’s just better when you feel better.

Doug Holt  18:39

I agree, 100%. I think all of us agree. Can I throw one out there? 

Erin Holt  18:44

Absolutely. 

Doug Holt  18:45

So what I think is super important and doesn’t get talked about much, and I wish if I could talk to every guy listening to us individually that’s not in the program. But get on a call. Just get on the call. So help your wife, in this case, and guys, you need to be doing this too. Get on a phone call and investigate. There’s no commitment. I think a lot of people think that, because you should interview your coach or your coaching company or the people you’re going to work with, you should ask questions. I think, guys, if you’re interested in The Activation Method, you should just jump on a call with one of the advisors. They’re free, they’re no hassle. 

If someone wants to work with you, they should set up a time to get on a call, not waste your time and you not waste theirs. But make sure it’s a good fit for what you’re doing. And you can do it with multiple people and see if it’s actually the best fit. And I think we as humans get in our head that if we’re going to get on the phone call, we’re making a commitment. And that’s just not the case. And so I would recommend guys help their partners and you guys listening to this, really, I’m talking to you too, but help their partners just say hey, look, just get on a phone call. See, it’s a good fit, no commitment. And if it’s a good fit, we’ll figure out the next steps. If it’s not, no harm no foul.

Erin Holt  19:58

Absolutely. Yeah, because it gets to be a good fit for the coach as well. Right? 

Doug Holt  20:01

Exactly 

Erin Holt  20:02

It’s a really special relationship. And like, I know you don’t take it lightly. I don’t take it lightly. It’s a huge honor. And I know like, I work with coaches too. And when I know it’s right, it’s right. Like, it’s just boom, boom, boom, goes, things happen really, really fast for me when it’s the right fit.

Doug Holt  20:17

Since… Gosh, it’s probably about 25% of the questions were around these guys asking how honestly their wives can work with you, and I wanted to make this more general. But if someone does want to reach out to you and find out more information about your coaching, your group coaching, your private coaching, where could they find more info?

Erin Holt  20:33

Website, which is working on getting updated by the way. 

Doug Holt  20:38

It’s always a work in progress. What are you doing? Raising a family, taking care of me.

Erin Holt  20:41

Yeah, right. SweatDirtandSoul.com. Can we put it in the show notes?

Doug Holt  20:46

I’m sure we can.

Erin Holt  20:47

Okay. Soul with S-O-U-L at the end. Just fill out a contact form on there. I would love to hear from you. Yeah, it’d be my honor.

Doug Holt  20:54

Guys, because I know you’re not going to check the show notes, it’s SweatDirtandSoul.com, and it’ll just be easy for them to recognize. I’m going to get 100 guys, DMing me by the time this is over. Babe, I know you got a lot going on today. I appreciate all you do for The Powerful Man, the men that are listening to this. Guys, this would not happen without her. Like the ability for me to come here, take time off, fly around the world working with you guys. Babe, you know this because you’ve seen and met, some of the men have talked to you personally. You have directly or indirectly impacted thousands of marriages and families. And so it’s not just me that you’ve impacted and our family, but that’s carried over so much. So thanks for making that possible. 

Erin Holt  21:34

Thank you. 

Doug Holt  21:37

Gentlemen, that’s a wrap for us. As we always say, in a moment of insight, take massive action. And this is your time to take massive action. And if you haven’t been on a phone call and you’re just even curious, jump on a call, guys. It’s simple. It’s easy. We only work with business owners at this time. But if you are interested, do so. If you have a wife or a partner looking for a female coach, have them reach out to Erin, SweatDirtandSoul.com. Have them get on a phone call as well. And check other places, you don’t have to work with The Powerful Man, but do something. In the moment of insight, take massive action. We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.