Episode #663
Are you seeking validation from your partner?
What happens if you’re being needy in a relationship?
Being needy can indicate a lack of confidence which can be unattractive to your partner. It can also create an unhealthy dynamic in a relationship because it might be difficult for her to rely on you.
In this episode, we will learn why neediness is unfulfilling for both partners in the long run and what you can do to validate yourself first so you can take responsibility for your own happiness.
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Transcription
Tim Matthews 00:49
Welcome, everybody to another episode of The Powerful Man Show, I am joined with the ninja and momentum. If you listen to the last episode, it was all about waking up before it’s too late. And you guys shared a lot of wisdom. I think the men will really appreciate. So I know you had a topic that you wanted to discuss today. Before I do that, I was just struck how he is. I’ll ask you to how you are. How are you Mo?
Mo Parks 01:19
I am excited and a little worried about something that happened before we jumped on this call. And feeling. Yeah, I feel good, other than that.
Tim Matthews 1:33
Good. How are you Nane?
Nanette Dib 01:37
I’m doing good. I feel like I’m just in a different mindset. I’m trying to make the best out of every day, as much as possible. And trying to get out of victim mode that Mo is always warning me about thanks to Mo, I know how to catch the warning signs now and it really helps. So yeah, just trying to stay as positive and optimistic every day. So I’m good today. I’m happy to be here chatting to you guys. But this podcast.
Tim Matthews 02:09
Yes. Great place to be well, great philosophy making the most of every day. Staying out of victim mode is something that we all can benefit from. It’s something it’s easy, easy for us all [inaudible 00:02:21] from time to time. Okay, who you are, if you say you never do, then I don’t believe you. But nevertheless, momentum. Yes. You had a topic that you wanted to bring to the table?
Mo Parks 02:38
Yeah, I mean to share about it.
Tim Matthews 02:41
Yeah, well, first of all, to share what it is without going into much depth. And also share why you’ve brought this topic to the table, whether it’s something you hear from the men or whatever it may be.
Mo Parks 02:53
Yeah, so something actually came from the man, but also a few people on our team that are men, so and it’s not just a primarily male issue, but I do think it’s really important. And so the issue, the area that we get to grow in is, is what I’m just gonna say the issue, it’s easier. And the issue that I’m seeing is guys continually changing and doing the work, but for the approval of the woman, which, as you can imagine, creates a lot of problems. So that’s the topic and yeah, like I said, the reason I’m bringing it up is because I’m seeing it with a lot of guys that are calling in recently. And a few guys that I’m seeing that are actually going through the program asking more about this subject, and really interested in wanting to understand how to break free of that habit.
Nanette Dib 03:46
So is it like, basically is it just guys like trying really hard to just get approval from their wife?
Mo Parks 03:56
I can explain how it manifests. I just didn’t want to go too much into detail. Is that okay, Tim?
Tim Matthews 04:01
Yeah, I think it’s a good time. Let’s go for it. [inaudible 00:04:02]
Mo Parks 04:04
So yes, that’s definitely one. So a couple of ways. First, it’s just guys that are working the program, say you’re starting to implement some of these tools are starting to use the levers of cane system. They’re trying they’re starting to do these things. And they’re doing it with this expectation and hope that she’ll notice, right that she’ll see it, and that she’ll come back because of it that she’ll whatever it can be anything that’s connected to her really, and that’s one way I see it coming out and another way might be so when I’m on calls with guys, them saying, I just feel so unappreciated, like I feel so disrespected, I feel so — I feel like whatever I do with her, it’s just not the right answer.
It’s just I like or I feel like you know, ultimately the hardest part about all this is just that I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I feel like I’m failing. I feel like I’m and they’re determining that failure and they’re determining that type of thing, by the fact that she hasn’t said, Well done, good job, I really honor and respect and validate and appreciate you. And while that’s great to hear, and we love it, my biggest question that I asked them in is, what do you want from that? Like, what is your ultimate need underneath it? Like, what are you really looking for? Is it love? Is it approval? Is appreciation? And that varies for a lot of guys.
Nanette Dib 05:27
I feel like just from a woman’s perspective, like, when you see a guy like doing things, and he’s trying to do and he’s hoping that, you know, you’re gonna say, oh, wow, or like, appreciate it. I feel like, we can see through that. And it’s just so off putting, and it probably does cause more arguments than anything, when you’re like, well, why are you doing that just so that I do you want a medal? Like, should I clap for you like, it becomes like that. And I know, it’s mean for the girls that say that. But it’s just because of the way he’s doing. It’s just like, it’s not nice. It’s like, do it because this is what you want to do.
And we can really feel if it’s not a NASA thing, I think that’s the hardest thing that they have to get it out of their head that if I do this, eventually, this is going to be the end goal, she’s going to be great. Like, they really need to read like I know, Tim always says this to the guys like you’re doing this for you. And I think that if they don’t really agree and accept that, then it’s anyone can see through it. And then when they’re not getting like the clap the approval, it hurts, but they’re not going to get it until it’s actually genuine. And they’ll get it in like small little ways slowly first, because she’s still probably got her guard up. And she’s scared to agree like an admit that, wow, he’s done good. She just wants to wait a little like, is this gonna stick? Is this real? Do you think so? Do you think that’s the case Mo?
Mo Parks 06:53
Yeah, I mean, I definitely think that’s one way. It’s a burden to hold when you feel you have to share up someone else’s sense of self.
Nanette Dib 07:03
Exactly. You don’t want that a man. I mean, a person should be able to feel sort of like validate themselves first. They don’t need validation from anyone else. And it seems it comes across like they’re trying to get that validation from her. So that she says, oh, yeah, actually, I’ve changed my mind. All is good now. But that’s not going to happen. And a lot of guys want it to happen like that. And it’s like, no, and this just isn’t there like something where it says you have to do something a certain amount of days for it to really to really adapt to it. Like a routine has to be done.
Tim Matthews 07:42
Yeah, there’s lots of different theories around like habits and habit formation and all that stuff. I think for me when I see it with the guys when wanting to seek approval and validation from anything outside of themselves, and it’s whether it’s the wife, work, the money, anything, doesn’t matter what it is, right? The point is you seeking validation outside of yourself. Part of it definitely comes or happens when they are not filling their own cup, or they’re not taking responsibility for their unhappiness and their own needs.
They’ve lost touch with what they enjoy, they’ve lost touch with their hobbies, have lost touch with the friends, have stopped going on adventures, they’ve everything just become a bit monotonous and dull. And that’s when they start to seek things outside of themselves to remind them or reinforce that they are good enough or that they are whatever it may be, right? Whatever form in their tech. But yeah, I think as soon as they start to put themselves first and prioritize their needs you to chime in in the chat.
Yeah, you are. I can. I can smiling and then a net drops Mo in it by replying to everybody in the chat in zoom versus just, anyway. Yeah, it’s definitely that’s definitely one factor in it for the guys for sure. Not filling their own cup, I think as well feeling uncertain and insecure. Sometimes it can come in, the guy’s been making advances pay for intimacy, any form of intimacy. And if the woman just isn’t receptive, for whatever reason, could be because they’re disconnected could because she just doesn’t feel like it could be a whole host of reasons, right? They can often internalize it sometimes. And as a result, then then begin feeling a bit insecure. And therefore that’s when obviously the validation and so on starts to kick in.
Nanette Dib 09:41
Yeah. And then I feel like also when that happens, it also puts more pressure on the woman again, when it’s like she doesn’t want to keep feeling this pressure of how he’s feeling. She wants him to focus on how he’s feeling and be able to, like you said, fill his own cup rather than if he’s feeling rejected then she has to feel bad about it when she’s just not in that place because things have just gotten so bad.
Tim Matthews 10:06
So what advice would you guys give from a woman’s perspective? What advice would you give to a guy that’s in this position is seeking validation outside of himself? Primarily from his wife, let’s say. Because also, just before God got to that point, I think that’s part of the reason why some guys don’t actually move forward and work on themselves through investing in the program. Right? Because they, some guys, honestly, when I asked the wives permission, right, they don’t want to rock the book, because it’s so attached to getting that validation. Kind of symptom, a nice guy, right? But anyway, going back to the question, yeah, from your perspective, what advice would you give a guy that’s in this position? Right out of it.
Mo Parks 11:00
And imposingly guys that go to their wife and tell them all about the fact that they’ve done it, because they just want this pat on the shoulder, right of the job, honey, like, but like, it is a good job. And you didn’t need her to tell you that to know that like, that is good. You’re doing the right thing. It’s the moment that you sought the validation, right? Like the approval the — so the question is, what would I tell a guy who’s stuck in that cycle? Right?
Tim Matthews 11:27
Yeah, what advice would you give him to get out of it?
Mo Parks 11:31
For First I went out, well..
Tim Matthews 11:34
Some production steps, a guy listen to this could take.
Mo Parks 11:38
Okay, get your journal out. And write down the question. Why am I valuable? And where does my value come from? And who told me that, like, those would be the three questions that I’d start with. Because when you start to listen and see where you’re getting your value from, and who told you that it was there, you start to see where you develop your identity, you start to understand where it came into play. And usually, what you’ll find in that process is that you, you always sought to know you are good enough by external things.
And then that just formed into a relationship, and then you put that entire weight on her to fulfill you. Like I said, the question that it asked a lot of guys in this place is what’s whatever you’re seeking that whether it’s for comfort, for, to feel enough to feel like you can keep moving forward for motivation for whatever it may be. The question I always ask is what’s keeping you from giving that to yourself? Why must you seek that from an external source?
That would be my first bit of advice is journal through it, get your head around, where it comes from, where this pattern is? And then I would write down how is it served you? How is this pattern of looking for approval, and your wife served you because you’re still doing it? So that means in some way it’s helped you? And then I’d ask like, how has it hurt you? How is this pattern for seeking for approval hurt you, and just see what comes up, give yourself some silence. Give yourself some time alone, give her some self some some freedom to experience a gamut of emotions. And just write and see pen and paper, not typing pen and paper and see what happens. That would be my first bit of advice. What would you say?
Nanette Dib 13:25
I really like that. By the way, mum, good advice.
Tim Matthews 13:28
Thanks. Can you do that?
Mo Parks 13:31
No, I was asking you, but I can [inaudible 00:13:34].
Tim Matthews 13:36
So yeah, go for it in a…curious.
Nanette Dib 13:38
I mean, I feel like for me, the advice that I would give is to just I do advise the guy to just okay, yes, you love your wife. And yes, probably, you know, something that’s pushing you to do this is her but you have to remember that, before you met your wife, it was just you, you have to try to just get everything else out of your mind and just focus on yourself. Like you don’t need that reassurance right now, you need to reassure yourself, you need to fill your own cup, you need to be 100% secure in who you are — almost like you have to love yourself first in order to love someone else and focus on that just don’t think oh, if I do this, she’s gonna do this. Just completely get that out of your mind. Like completely try to change your mindset and to just really focus on yourself because it’s obvious when someone is focusing on themselves.
And it’s obvious when they’re just doing things for validation, or they’re doing things because they want that reassurance and it’s not attractive to want reassurance. Like for a girl, it’s quite a feminine trait, isn’t it? Like want reassurance. And like, you know, for a woman if she’s always wanting reassurance, the guy is gonna say oh, she’s so needy. So when it’s like the male becoming like the really needy and wanting that reassurance? It’s kind of exhausting.
Tim Matthews 15:06
Yeah, I can imagine
Nanette Dib 15:08
You guys chatting in the chat?
Tim Matthews 15:11
Most trying to chat to me not responding though. Yeah, you know what, the first thing that comes to mind for me. So assuming the guy recognizes that is in this position and has been listened to you guys, he realizes you know what, yes, I am seeking validation outside of myself, you just have to stop, you just do just stop it. You know, when you do it, you know, when the urge comes on, you know, when you’re gonna feel it, you just have to stop it, it’s gonna feel weird, it’s gonna feel odd, it’s gonna feel like things are incomplete. But you, you just have to stop. The second thing I would say is get yourself around a group of men is really important. Because typically, if you are in a position where you are feeling needy, so you’re needing validation from something outside of yourself.
Typically it will be because you don’t have enough going on in your life that’s fueling your sense of self and who you are outside of the relationships. Typically you will have become a little bit codependent, or completely codependent. And more than likely, so will your wife to some degree, I imagine. Otherwise, you wouldn’t stick around if one of you was and the other one wasn’t on board with it. So you need to break that.
And part of the way you can break that is to regain your hobbies, your interests, get around other guys, and just begin to get involved in other conversations. And think, by know your sense of self and confidence will begin to increase from doing that. And thirdly, I would really encourage you to rediscover what it is you enjoy. And I touched on that a little bit in the last point. But typically, for guys in this position, they’ve just given up everything, everything’s become about work, kids,
home life, they don’t really have a life outside of those things. And therefore they often get their self-worth confused with a net worth, if business is good, they feel good. If it feels bad, they feel bad, they’ve stopped working out, there’s all sorts going on for them, you really need to get back in touch with who you are and what you enjoy. You know, a challenge we often like to give the guys is for them to take Friday’s off. Oftentimes, the guys can often take more days and Friday off, they can take a couple of days a week off, they’re not terrified of taking that time off, because they don’t know what they’re gonna do with it.
And that can be a scary place to be. So instead, they just worked fill the time with work because they don’t know what to do. They’re afraid of being on the road, they’re afraid of being with themselves. But you have to face that there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. But for a lot of guys, if you feel if you fear being alone, then you will feel lonely and then you will become needy, and look for validation. You don’t want to know that everything you’re doing is right. And you getting the approval of the person so that they don’t sensually leave you. Any final comments, thoughts or words from you, too?
Mo Parks 18:32
Yeah, I have a question for you on that. What would you say is the difference between a man who’s seeking approval from his wife versus seeking it and doing all the things he loves?
Tim Matthews 18:43
Yeah, but he’s not doing them in front of others is he? So let’s say for example, he loves fishing. And he goes and takes himself off half day in a Sunday on his own to go and fish. He’s doing that for himself understanding that that’s important him for whatever reason that may be, right, that fills him up, and he then comes back feeling full of filler. There’s no real approval from it. There’s no real validation for me in that moment. He’s just saying to me, well, he’s just saying to himself, I matter to me. Right? And when you create that narrative of I matter to me, and you understand what’s important to you, and you’re able to meet it, the need for validation and security from other things outside of yourself, people or otherwise becomes less.
Nanette Dib 19:33
Exactly. I feel like that’s something that I struggled with. And I would whenever like the thought creeps into my head, I would sort of shout at myself and say I choose me, like, and I would remember like, you have to put yourself first, you have to figure out what is best for you and choose yourself over everyone because once you’ve chosen yourself and once you’ve given yourself what you need, then you’re able to — what is it? You can’t pour from an empty grass, right?
Tim Matthews 20:05
100%. The final words of wisdom from you too, Momentum?
Mo Parks 20:11
Yeah, I’m just thinking about Tim’s comment earlier, because I think he of the pattern break is you can take something away, but you have to refill it with something. And Tim is basically saying refill with things that say I’m important to me. Right, which, which would make sense? And so just kind of putting those pieces together? But I think, yeah, I think at some time, at some point, there’s going to have to be an identity shift. And identity shifts, in my opinion, usually involve doing some deep, deeper inner child work.
Like I think that pattern can be just a pattern that you can stop. And I think other people are addicted to that pattern. And then we’re entering a different ballgame of people who basically in mesh, this idea of feeling like their failure in the pattern of needing reassurance have the pattern of needing to feel safe, and getting that reassurance. Those are patterns that develop in a very unhealthy environment that gets to be worked through.
Tim Matthews 21:13
Oh, yeah, there’s definitely root cause things right. For the purpose of the podcast, obviously, you know, it’s kind of hard to give some practical steps, obviously, my advice would be to go through an Alpha Reset, right, because it gets to the root cause of what’s really going on for them. We’ve seen huge shifts in the men, right when they go through that we experience shifts in activation method. And to your point, mother, a lot of practical things they put in place to make a big difference, right?
Hence, why the woman’s that the wife starts or the partner, whatever it may be, begins to pay attention again, and trust rebuilds and reconnection starts to happen. But typically, you know, the guy often knows there’s something deep rooted, that’s often causing it for him as well, because there’s other patterns as well, right? People pleasing behaviors and all sorts that feed into it. And, yeah, you’re completely right, that needs to get to the root cause of it is really important.
Mo Parks 22:11
Yeah. I think just from a woman’s perspective, since we do have two women here, the one of one copies of this is getting to see how a woman feels on the other side of that, like being grabbed, from being drained, being feeling helpless, feeling like if I have to shore up your sense of self, and that means I have to manage this whole family. And that feeling of burden can burn a woman out and make them run and make them numb out and you’re like, why is she always on her phone? Well, probably because you’re always going to her to ask for approval. You know, like well, why is she choosing to always be around her friends?
Well, probably because being around you feels more like a drain than a lift because you’re literally and physically saying I heard the story once about these people walking around to this basically like old idle like this idle that was built and they were basically walking around and there’s very poor people bringing their like last sense and last pennies before this like old statue basically there was considered like a god of like a really old god of an old time.
And they were bringing these their last pennies, these broken people bringing their last pennies before this God and, and they were walking together around it. And they found that there was a scaffold that was like building on the building behind it on the idle itself, that people were like worshiping, and they said to themselves, wow, what a sad picture. A broken person coming before a Broken God to fix their broken life. And that’s like what it is when a guy comes before a woman saying like, fix me. Like she doesn’t have the capacity. She doesn’t she’s never gonna give you what you longed for because she can’t. She wasn’t made for that. And, and so yeah, that was…
Nanette Dib 24:08
And even if she tries she still can’t because no one can fix your savior except for yourself end of the day. Doesn’t matter even if she does validate or reassure you it’s if you don’t believe it doesn’t matter.
Tim Matthews 24:23
Yeah, reminds me of you can’t give what you have, right? When you talk about a guy lifting a woman up versus dragging it down. You know, if he doesn’t have that lift in himself. There’s no way he can lift her out. It’s why we always talk about to the next point, you can offer them a cup that’s always been entered. Now in order for people to get the best of you instead of the rest of you, you’ve got to get the best we sell first. Okay, thank you very much.
Mo Parks 24:49
Thank you!
Tim Matthews 24:51
Incredible as always, thank you for your wisdom.
Mo Parks 24:54
Thank you so much!
Tim Matthews 24:55
Want to take us out.
Mo Parks 24:56
In moment of insight, take massive action
Tim Matthews 24:59
So your best British accent?
Mo Parks 25:02
No, it was awful. I can’t do it anymore.
Nanette Dib 25:04
Was that Leeds accent?
Tim Matthews 25:08
Yes, that’s gonna take us out the podcast.
Nanette Dib 25:14
In a moment of great insight, take massive action.
Tim Matthews 25:19
There you go. You’ve heard it from the woman herself. And two powerful women. Guys with a moment of insight take massive action. See you next time.
