Episode #568
The #1 thing the men who go through our program say to us is, “I wish I didn’t wait to take action on my marriage.”
Do you find yourself thinking, “well, things will work themselves out…”
Or maybe you have an audiobook you’re listening to that you’re hoping will be the thing that fixes it all.
You can’t expect to see a change if you’re not fully invested in your relationship.
In this episode, we’ll talk about why you should stop playing the waiting game and what to do to achieve the great marriage you deserve.
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TRANSCRIPTION
Doug Holt 00:01
Hey guys, welcome to The Powerful Man Show, where we help married businessmen save their marriages without having to talk about it, get unstuck, and gain clarity in their lives. As I like to say, life is too short for average. I’m your host, Doug Holt with my co-host, Tim, The Powerful Man, Matthews.
Hey, guys, welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. Tim, how are you doing, brother?
Tim Matthews 00:57
Hi, I’m intrigued; you’re just brainstorming what this conversation will be, and I’m intrigued about the direction it’s going.
Doug Holt 01:07
Well, we’ll kick this off. I was talking to an old client of mine. So when I used to do a lot of business consulting, and they were bitching and moaning to me about, you know, some of their staff members that aren’t playing out. So this is a client, Tim, I worked with probably about two, two, and a half years ago or so. And when I came into their company as a consultant, they had an issue with their staff. So the owner decided that he was going to pinch pennies, and I get it. You and I have owned businesses, Tim, I’ve had businesses for over 20 years and understand that we always got to watch the bottom line. But what he did is he decided to pay for cheap labor, right? He brought in what I would call C-level employees, not C-suite. If you’re looking at, hey, I want an A-level Rockstar guy, some companies settle for a B guy, he went C level right, he outsourced a lot of his work in third world countries. Again, nothing wrong with that for some things, but what I told him at the time because I had done this before, Tim, is oftentimes, when it comes to certain things that are important to us, you get what you pay for.
Now, you can overpay for certain things, I get it. But it’s a bell-shaped curve, and usually, you get what you pay for, whether it be staff or something else. And he was hoping the C-level guys would just get better. That they would get better on their own, they would take some free courses, you know, he bought a bunch of courses online, kept them in a Google Drive folder, and they went through them. But they had no coaching. They had no one directing them through the courses. So there was no accountability there, and again these were C-level guys. Nice people, but they were C players. They weren’t even B or A players, and I was just reflecting on that as you and I were talking offline.
This also reminds me quite often of how many men will do the same thing in their lives. Now business owners listening to this are like, well, of course, if you hire C-level guys, and you just give them some books and some audios or something and think that they’ll all of a sudden jump from a C-level player to an A-level player is just not going to happen. And the same thing happens for a lot of guys that you and I talk to when we talk about relationships or marriage; they often think that just listening to one more audiobook will change everything. They think that rather than actually diving and going all in and investing in themselves and getting some coaching and things of that nature, which will push them and give them exponential changes, they can just passively hope for the best. The investment in themselves is what’s going to bring their relationship to where they want it to be. Quite honestly, most of the guys we talk to we ask on a scale of 10, 10 being the best, ‘Where’s your marriage? Where are your relationships?’ Many guys will say below a seven, right? They’ll say five, three, sometimes a one, and if it’s at that level, how can you expect it to rise to a 9/10 where you want it to be where you deserve it to be by just listening to another audiobook, right? By taking a $20 course or whatever it may be.
That expectation is ridiculous. I mean, I get it because I’ve done it before too. You know, our power just went out in our house yesterday, and I had these cheap lanterns that I bought that were on sale at Costco, and the lanterns broke, they just broke. I thought, ‘crap, um, I could have bought something nicer, would have cost a little bit more money, but it would have lasted, especially in the moment of need.’ Right? So now I’m lighting candles around my house, watching my kids and my wife trying to get things done when the power was dark and the power is out. Good thing I saved, you know, $15 on these lanterns.
The point is, when we look at business, it’s very similar to relationships. Let’s say we’re going to bring in a new marketing department; we can’t expect our marketing, if it’s not working, to all of a sudden bring in a bunch of C-level players and have it take off. Like, ‘oh, yeah, here’s this Facebook course for you.’ ‘Here’s a copywriting course, just figure that out.’ We can’t expect that next week, or next month, or even next year, that all of a sudden they’re going to become A-players. We know that’s not going to happen. Either hire an A-player if you want A-player results, or you won’t get those results.
The same thing happens in our marriage, but for some reason, a lot of us guys, we think, you know what, I’m just gonna wait it out, maybe next month, it’s gonna get better. I’m just gonna get listen to another audiobook in my car, maybe I’ll learn something, and everything’s gonna click, and it just does not happen.
Tim Matthews 05:54
The worst thing about it is that typically these people have been there at times as well; we all do this. There’s always a way in which you waste and splurge money. So, for example, let’s say you’re penny-pinching when investing in your relationship. Let’s just use that one year as an example: you go out there and buy the latest car, right? You’re on the waiting list as soon as the next batch comes out. Or maybe you go out there and want to buy the newest technology, whatever it may be. So the thing about it is your wife watches you splurge and spend money on these things that mean something to you. And you’re doing something about it. You’re taking action on the things you want for yourself, and you’re spending not just money but time, energy, and so on. And yet, you’re not doing that regarding your marriage. She might think, ‘hang on a minute, how can you go out there and waste 1000s of dollars on the latest drone? Or take a trip with the boys for a weekend and spend a few $1,000 on that, and didn’t you just go away a few weeks ago? Yet, our relationship over here is struggling. I don’t see any money, time, or energy investment there.’ Hmm, what impression does that then give off to the wife?
Doug Holt 07:33
Yeah, I mean, it’s exactly what I think. I know my wife has talked about the women she works with because she coaches women. And that’s often something that comes up, right, is the wives will talk about how their husbands aren’t investing in the relationship. Now, they mean investing financially, but time often as well. Another complaint women have is that ‘he says I can’t spend money, but then he goes off and goes golfing…he does this, he does that.’
And you’d mentioned in a previous podcast about covert contracts, right, where these are agreements that are expectations that are set that aren’t talked about, essentially. And this happens for many guys, I think an example is that classic idea that men don’t ask for directions. We’re just going to keep driving, right? We’re not going to pull over if we’re lost and ask for directions. And the truth is, as modern men, no one’s given us directions on how to do a marriage properly. Especially men that are married to strong women, which most of our guys are. They’re strong men themselves, and strong men marry strong women. And then you’re not given the directions. So most guys don’t want to pull over right and get help to talk to a coach, join a group, or whatever else. And instead, they just want to keep driving, hoping to find their way. And it does not work.
Guys, we have over 100,000 men who have inquired, right? That’s how many men that we have that have inquired. And we get to talk to many guys, as you can imagine. So you learn a thing or two. And you just learn that it just doesn’t work. Just grabbing an audiobook and hoping things will change doesn’t work. I wish it did. Right? It didn’t work for me in my marriage. So that’s why I’m so adamant about it. But I also get to talk to many guys who have tried that. They’ve been there, they’ve done that. They joined the military boot camp thing that was cool on Instagram. They didn’t do anything but get them dirty and muddy and make them feel like crap. They felt almost like they were doing a Spartan Race at the end of it. It was tough; they were sore, etc., etc. Good. Do that if that’s what you want to do. But don’t expect those things to make major shifts in your marriage.
You need tools. You can’t build a house without the proper tools. You know, if I go and I take this microphone and try to build a house with it, it’s not going to work, right? On the flip side, if I show up to this podcast with just a hammer in my hand and no camera or microphone, you guys can’t hear me or see me. You have to have the right tools for the right environment. And what you need in a relationship is The Triadic Connection. It’s as simple as that, right? You need to know and master the Triadic Connection. We’ve seen it work with 1000s of men. And that’s what it takes, right? It just is; it’s not something you’re just going to get an audiobook about. And the reason I know this is because we give away one of our tools, the Clean Slate method, for free. It works a little for some guys, but almost every guy that goes through our program has to have their clean slate letter rewritten by a professional coach multiple times with them. Now the coaches don’t write it for you, but they give you feedback on it because you don’t knock it out of the park the first time. Right? I have a two-year-old, and I don’t put her on the bike once and say, ‘good luck, knock it out of the park, take off, catch up with us.’ Now she’s got training wheels, and I hold the back seat. I have it tied to pedal teacher, so if you push back, it’s the brakes, right? She’s a kid who’s learning. She’s super smart.
That’s like us as men; we’re still learning, we’re still growing, and we haven’t been taught this by our fathers or by any other people in our lives, and that’s why we have coaches literally from all over the world who are experts and are on our team constantly sharpening the saw and making these things better. Because you need to have the right tools in your toolbox to complete the job.
Tim Matthews 12:20
Yeah, that makes me think as well. You know, so often guys who come to us have been burying their head in the sand for so long about the position of the marriage and tell themselves, she won’t leave them, and they just ignore the warning signs and think it’s a good thing when the arguments stop, not realizing that when the arguments stop, it’s a bad thing because she can be checking out. They don’t realize that the arguments being there can be good because she’s checked in. They seek out this quiet time where they can walk through the door without being greeted with arguments. Yet, they don’t want to do the work of walking through the door and being greeted with love and connection. It can also be such a short-sighted perspective because let’s consider the cost of the alternative here…
I’m going to save a few $1,000 by trying to do it myself or do it for free or by listening to an audiobook or whatever. Yet, if this doesn’t work, this could cost me hundreds of 1000s of dollars in the future. It just blows my mind. Invest a little bit now, so you save the big outlay, and not just a financial outlay but so many other upheavals, right? There’s collateral damage if divorce or separation happens to you. Then to not bat an eyelid at things like getting on the waiting list for the latest Tesla or building a new house is ridiculous.
You know, we’ve had guys telling us things like, ‘I want to join the program, but I’m building a custom house with my wife.’ It’s like, you, dude, you’ll be in there with her. Like you’re going to build a house, but it’s not going to be a home. So, why don’t you just redirect some of the money from the project towards this? So you can build a home instead of a house and enjoy family time with one another. And it can be what you envisioned it to be because the house isn’t going to fix it. The car isn’t going to fix it. The jewelry isn’t going to fix it. Men often do these things to try and fix the marriage because they’re avoiding doing the hard work. This isn’t all, guys, but it’s just the truth. We’ve spoken to 1000s, 10s, hundreds of 1000s of Men, and we ask them, ‘What have you tried? Why hasn’t it worked?’, and there is a pattern. One of their hesitations in joining, which is an excuse, is money. It’s an excuse because most guys waste a few $1,000 a month if they wanted to look at their expenses and be able to redirect things into their own grass, to waste a few $1,000. Easy, easy. The truth is they’re avoiding doing the work because they’re afraid.
Doug Holt 15:40
Oh, it’s 100% True, right? Look, I’ve been there. So, when I’m listening to you talk here, Tim. I’m like, oh, man; I’ve done this, you know, I’ve done this. And when you’re doing it, you just get caught right in it. So many times, I’ve talked to you about this as kind of like a famous joke of mine that I share with close friends. I even joke about still with my wife. I remember my wife wanted to do a course, and nothing to do with relationships at the time, but she wanted to do a course, and I’m like, we don’t have the money; we’re saving money for our debt. And you know, that day, I hear the knock on the door, and my wife answers the door, and it’s the UPS guy with a bunch of packages, and one of them is my $2,000 drone. It’s just a normal day when we have packages arriving; still, we have packages coming all the time, but we just don’t consider things for their value.
When you do the rocking chair test…So the rocking chair test quite simply is you when you’re in the prime of your life, the elder years, let’s just say 78/80 for most of you guys, and you’re sitting on a rocking chair on your porch, and you’re looking back at your life, thinking Hmm, what’re the most important things to me? What am I most proud of? For almost every man, it’s their relationships, children, and wife, right? That’s what they’re most proud of. So how much are you investing in those things? You’re investing in your business; I guarantee that you’re investing in clothes, you’re investing in trips, you’re investing in experiences, you’re investing in a nice bottle of wine or some bourbon, right? Or something else that you’re spending money on. But when it comes down to investing in your relationships, you don’t. I know you don’t because I’ve talked to many of you, and I was you. I get it.
As we’re recording, it’s my anniversary, and thank God, I pulled my own head out of my butt and actually took action. Because I would maybe be having a two-year anniversary with somebody else or something else might be going on in my life. But I’ve gotten two beautiful children out of this marriage, right? My life is much more fulfilled. That’s why I always tell you guys not to settle for average. You’re meant for more than average. Every religion out there talks about this, right? You’re not meant just to settle, not meant for just average.
Are you investing in your relationships? Show me your bank account; I’ll show you your priorities. Right? We say that a lot here because where you’re spending your money will tell me exactly where your real priorities are, not what you say they are, but what your real priorities are. And honestly, if you look at mine, it may look like Amazon’s a priority for me, but you know, you look at where we’re spending our cash and our time. That’s how we know our priorities. So limit these excuses, realize they’re just excuses, and you’re truly masking yourself because you’re afraid. You’re afraid of something. This is when you get to be courageous. Courage is doing what you’re afraid of anyway, right? Being afraid and doing it. We say a fireman is courageous because they ran into a burning house to save a child. Right? That’s what you want to do. The fireman is not fearless. He’s still scared, but he’s going to do it anyway.
So this is what I encourage you guys to do. Just really make sure you understand exactly what it is you want from the rocking chair test. And ask yourself, ‘does your calendar and bank account reflect those priorities?’ Yes or no? No BS. I know it’s not the right time; it’s never the right time. There are other things that you need to spend the money on. I get it. There always is.
I’m not saying you have to join The Activation Method, but if you are considering it, we have literally 1000s of testimonials from men who have been through it. Go over to thepowerfulman.com/results. Just see it from men like you, don’t take my word for it. See their exact words. Just do something. Take a different course, and hire a coach somewhere else. I’m cool with that. I just want the best for you guys. Because I know what it’s like to be in your shoes. And I know what it’s like to be on the other side of it, and it is so much friggin better to be on the other side when your wife looks at you with love. When she has admiration and respect again. When she’s trusting your decisions that you make for yourself and for your family. When she believes in you wholeheartedly. You get to lead from the front; you must decide. And part of that decision is ‘what am I going to do?’ And ‘what do my decisions where I’m investing my time and financial resources reflect on my priorities?’ Remember, we’re in your corner.
