Episode #68
Many of us have sworn we would never do things the way our father did…and yet some of those are things we are unconsciously doing.
The things that we were complaining about our father in the past is what we are living right now without realizing it.
These things have become patterns of ours that keep showing up, but we refuse to acknowledge it.
It’s time to break the patterns that are holding us back and create new behaviors that we would be proud to have our own children model.
In this episode, we dive DEEP into the conversation around the patterns we have picked up from our fathers, how that has affected us, how that has affected those around us, and HOW to make the shifts that will free us from these ineffective patterns.
What you will learn in this episode:
- How your patterns will affect your children in living their lives.
- How these unchanged patterns lead to broken relationships
- How to break the patterns we learned from our father and be a model to our children
- Recognizing the problem and raising your standards
- Knowing what kind of father you want your children to become someday.
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Episode Transcript
Tim Matthews 0:00
Sometimes it can show up in the relationship with Amelia, and she’ll say it to me. We’ve been together for about five years now. And she only said it maybe two or three times. But she said that one line that you just don’t want to hear.
Doug Holt 0:12
Oh, I know it’s familiar.
Tim Matthews 0:14
Yeah. You’re just like your dad.
Doug Holt 0:18
Ah! and it’s never said like wow. You’re just like your father. Amazing. It’s always those little tidbits.
Tim Matthews 0:26
Welcome guys to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Tim, “The Powerful Man” Matthews. With my co-host Doug Holt. I was trying to think of Doug, this something Holt. But nothing came to me.
Doug Holt 0:50
I won’t take it personally, and it’s all good. Luckily, my ego is a good check.
Tim Matthews 0:56
Yeah.Brother. Well, I know you had something you wanted to bring to the table for these fine listeners today. So I’m curious. What is it?
Doug Holt 1:05
Well, Tim, I talked to a guy the other day, and socially we’re having a conversation. Of course, it starts with business and what’s going on. And like my family, we move around a lot because we’re exploring new areas, while my son’s still old, my son’s still young. And as we were chatting, the conversation took a pivot as it often does because this person knows what you and I do. And I asked him a straightforward question, and I’ll ask all your listeners, our listeners, I should say, this same question. And that question is, are you noticing that you’re starting to turn into your father? And I asked this very specifically to them.
Are you seeing that there are certain things that you’re doing, mannerisms, traits, thoughts, beliefs, something that you swore you would never do? But now you see yourself doing them? Are you turning in to your dad? And he just looked at me like a deer in headlights and went, Yeah, actually, I am. And so the following question in which dovetails into our previous podcast episode on standards. I asked them are your kids going to follow your path? Are your kids going to turn out to be like you, and if that’s so, does that mean your son, this guy, had a son older than mine. Does that mean your son is also going to be like your father? And Tim, the past was palpable right at that moment, the energy between us, the space between us, and it hit him like a ton of bricks where he saw the things he was complaining about his father. And especially in the past, he was now living in too. And if that was true, which he believed it was, he accepted that, and if you’re listening to this, my guess is that’s true for you too in a lot of ways, doesn’t mean you’re doing everything. But then, would it not make sense for his kids to follow that path unless he made a change.
Tim Matthews 3:10
Wow,
Dog Holt 03:11
Have you experienced this, Tim, at all?
Tim Matthews 3:14
I think it was Amelia, yeah, of course. Wow. I have many things to be very grateful to my father about and the other side of the things that I want to learn from him from on somewhat. I’m very clear on the things that I do not want to repeat, the patterns I want to break, and the cycles I want to break. Mainly it’s all around the way in which I, as a father, will express love and emotions, and support to my children because my dad did the best that he could with the tools they had available to him. The best that he could do was to be quite guarded or emotionally protected around my sister and me and my mom.
So I never used to see a lot of positive emotion be expressed. A lot to work hard to get any kind of love, or any appreciation or validation. It was always very conditional. And that’s something that I’ve wanted to break. I don’t want to repeat that with my kids. I’m very committed to not doing that. Yet sometimes, It can show up in the relationship with Amelia. I’m feeling heavy. Can you hear me breathing? Sometimes you can show up in the relationship with Amelia, and you know she’ll say it to me. We’ve been together about five years now, and she only said it maybe two or three times. But she said that one line that you don’t want to hear.
Doug Holt 4:56
Oh, I know it’s familiar.
Tim Matthews 4:59
Yeah. You’re just like your dad.
Doug Holt 5:03
Ah! and it’s never said like wow. You’re just like your father. Amazing. It’s always those little tidbits.
Tim Matthews 5:10
Yes. And that’s what I mean, and there are many great things. My father dreams that I want to model. And some things are done. And she never says it concerning things I do in a model. I’m like, whenever she says it, I’m like, Oh my God. I don’t even see that I’m doing it, sometimes what I didn’t use to know that I was doing it. She’s not set it for a very long time. So I must be doing a good job. But yeah, I mean. The question was, does it make sense that the kids are then going to repeat it? Of course, it does.
Doug Holt 5:44
Yeah.For sure. So Tim, when I was talking to setting the scene. I spoke to this guy, and the look in his face of Oh, crap, was fantastic, right? And it was because he wasn’t stepping up. We call it stepping up to the line. And we talked about no man’s land and the five agonies he was experiencing all of them. The way he was manifesting this, or the way he was putting this out there in a conversation, was just through complaining. It’s just complaining, a lot of us relate to complaining, but he didn’t hear his complaints. And we weren’t in a coaching environment. So it wasn’t my position to put it right back to him so we could see it. But I could see it so clearly, that he was complaining about these things over and over.
His claim about his wife is about work, the typical environment, the local location, there’s a guy out there, and that was a kind of an inside joke about the place. He’s complaining about his area where he lived, the people around them, all of these things, external of themself. But when you’re starting to complain about things that are external to you. There’s one consistent thing, and that is you, right? That is you. So the more you’re complaining, the more you need to look at what’s the one thing that’s consistent in this situation? What’s the one pattern, and that is almost going to be you as a person, that is going to be the thing that’s coming up over and over again. And until you raise your standards, or at least step to your standards. And do the work, you will be in that same pattern forever?
Chances are, you’re going to be in the same position today, that ten years from now. Alright, so if you’re listening to this, think about your biggest complaints now. And then fast forward those complaints ten years from now, having those same complaints, because aren’t you pretty much in the same place today? That you were last year? If I looked at your bank account, why aren’t you in the same position the previous year? If I look at your calendar, aren’t you doing the same things you did last year? So unless you’re doing the work, you’re going to be in that same position next year, and the year after, and ten years and the only difference is you’re going to be more ingrained into those patterns unless you step to the line and make a change.
Make a radical shift in your life. So Tim, as I’m talking to this guy, you could just see that deer in headlights look at that, oh, crap, realization, and then I kind of asked him, so what are you going to do? And he just looked at me, like I just asked him the most complicated mathematical equation, the right question about math, or something along those lines. Again, like, he had no idea. And he’s like, well, what do you mean? I said, look if what I’m saying is accurate, and maybe it’s not true. But if it is true, then you’re going to be in the same position that you are in now next year, and your son’s going to follow in your footsteps.
So I’m just curious, what are you going to do if you want to make a change? He looked at me, Tim, and said, Doug, there’s nothing out there. Nobody is having this conversation. Nobody is talking about this. And that’s when I looked at him and smiled because that’s what we’re doing here. Right now. We’re having that conversation. We’re having that conversation in The Powerful Man Facebook group. And that men are out there talking about it. They’re encouraging each other. They’re giving each other optics, and they’re looking for each other. Of course, we have it within The Brotherhood, which is another level of development and growth. So Tim, when would you run into somebody if being a father doesn’t have to be a father for say? What advice would you give them if you find them in this situation where they’re complaining about something but not making that shift or change, and in particular, they’re noticing that they’re repeating the patterns of their father, maybe the sins of their father.
Tim Matthews 9:56
Wow. Wow, wow. Wow. I mean, I think it was in the last episode of one of the previous ones. One of the things I would get them to do and ask them to do is consider what happens if nothing changes. Like, seriously, what happens if you continue showing up in the way you are today, year on year? Where will you end up? Because I think as humans, we often have this, this tends to glorify what’s going to happen, and I’m playing down. We repeatedly see with the men that they ignore the warning signs because they spend so much time. They were living in the head, justifying their actions, ignoring what was happening outside themselves. Entirely self-absorbed, not in a, is what it is, quite self-absorbed, not going to excuse it, quite self-absorbed, they often don’t even see what’s going on around them.
And then one day, they get handed the divorce papers the business partner wants out, whatever it is, they like, Where did that come from, entirely from left field, because they’ve just not been paying attention to what’s been going on. And as a result, things reach a breaking point, and then they end up getting left behind because change is forced upon them. But it’s also forced upon them often when it’s too late. So I would have them get honest with themselves and consider in authentic ways.
What will happen if this continues year on year? We like to think that the wife won’t leave us. She loves me. We want to believe that the kids will always be around; we like to think that the staff will never go. We like to think of all these excellent scenarios which, in some ways, that positive attitude can be healthy. But in this scenario, it’s not because it’s not positivity; it’s masking your reality, then keeping this particular guy stuck and trapped.
So the first thing you have to do is get leverage. You’ve got to gain influence and change a must; before we even go into any of the tactics and strategies the tools around actually creating the change, you have got to get the leverage within yourself that makes change a must. Nobody can do that for you. I can’t do that, Doug can’t do that, your wife, nobody can do it for you, then you either take control and get that leverage. At the same time, you’ve still got power. All you ignore it. And the influence is thrust upon you through some dire situation that you don’t want to happen. And at that point, as I say, you change when it’s too late, or you still don’t change. And then you just decline. And that is the reality. There’s a reason why suicide is one of the top killers of men in today’s world. There’s a reason for it, and this is happening. This masking of reality is happening. This burying of their head in the sand is happening. If this is resonating with you, I hope you’re feeling my love for you as well as the urgency for you to change. Get leverage, and you’ve got to get power.
Doug Holt 13:52
Guys, I’m interrupting this episode because I want to know, do you feel bored, burnout or broken? Discover the system that over 300 businessmen use to let go of the grind, find inner peace, and unlock unlimited personal power. So they can have more time, more intimacy, and better sex while living a life they love without stressing about work or feeling like a fraud. Head over to ThePowerfulMan.com/11 to see what this is all about. Alright, let’s get back to the episode. Well, leverage Yeah, it’s so important to do, and if you’re finding yourself as you said, your dad has so many outstanding qualities. But there might be one or two or maybe more for a lot of guys listening.
Here are things about their fathers that they swore they would never do. We hear this from many men who come through, and we’re talking to men who come through the program that we run, The Powerful Man. These are leaders, and these are business leaders. These are great, excellent guys, but frequently they say yeah, my dad used to do this whatever it might complain, he’d always say, Ah, I’m going to play about work, they’re holding me down, whatever the stories were, and swore they would never do the same thing. And now they’re finding themselves not men because they’re out of it. But a lot of these guys, if you’re listening to this, you find yourself doing those same things. The difference, Tim, in my opinion, is your father probably didn’t have the opportunity to step to the line and make a change. He probably didn’t have a program out there to help him. He probably didn’t have a podcast. Well, he didn’t have a podcast. They talked to him, allowing him the opportunity, tools, and conversations to make a change. This gentleman is your wake-up call. This is your chance.
Are you going to change your kids’ lives, your wife’s lives, or your community by your actions? Are you going to make the change? So instead of when your son or daughter or whoever may grow up, they say, My dad’s a hero, my dad’s my hero, not, I won’t be like him, because you just repeated the same pattern over and over again. And frankly, Tim, I’m going to say what I think most men don’t commit to a program or an education or growth program because they’re scared. They’re too afraid to step the line; they’re too afraid to make a change. They’re too afraid to be seen. They’re too afraid to share and be vulnerable. And therefore, because of their weaknesses and being scared, generation after generation are going to repeat the same pattern over and over again until somebody’s strong enough to step up and say enough is enough. It’s time for a change.
Tim Matthews 16:44
Wow. Wow. You reminded me of what you said that took The Alpha Reset, we often said to the man, while the match has said my son will not be here.
Dog Holt 16:55
Yeah.
Tim Matthews 16:56
they reach a breaking point. And then when they realize it’s me, I’m the one creating this: stop blaming the father, stop blaming everybody else. And then realize it is me, I’m repeating the pons. While it’s me, I’m the one doing this. And they’ve reached the point whereby they have to leverage. Making a change, not only for them, but they shift in a generational pattern, which is incredible to see. And obviously, it doesn’t happen overnight. Change takes time. That’s why many of the guys work with us in The Brotherhood because they continue to uplevel over some time.
The point is, they’re doing it so. So they can be the man their son wants to be, a man their daughter wants to marry, and a man, their wife, cannot keep her hands off. I mean, imagine, for a second, your kid’s been witness to the relationship between you and your partner or your wife. Whereby you love being in each other’s company, you’re able to communicate and talk openly and express your feelings and emotions, and love is just given so abundantly. And you both can speak your mind and stand your ground with love. Just imagine the type of role model for a relationship that you and your wife will set. Amelia, my partner, speaks to me so often about one of her good friends, her mother, and her father. It has resonated with her because she says about how these two, even 40 years are so in love, are so happily married. He still dates his wife, he takes from weekends away, or where there’s such a close family, and the impact this has had the ripple effect is then having Amelia friend and her and her sisters.
And for Amelia, she must have brought up to me several times in the years that we’ve been together. And that’s how you want people speaking about your relationship. You don’t do it for that reason. But you do it to create that ripple and that standard by which your son can then step into what your daughter can then step into, and they can take it to another level, with your support, and with your encouragement because by that point, you’re a man that they respect. You’re a man that wants to be around. My dad used to command respect versus earning respect. You will gain respect because of how you show up. And as you can tell, I’m very passionate about this. I don’t even have kids. Yeah, wow.
But I’ve been on the receiving end of it. You know I’ve been on the receiving end of lessons of not wanting to pass on, and so lovely to be in that environment. I’m not as young as 5,6,7 years old, where you just absorb everything and have a chance to change it; my dad didn’t have the podcast. As he said, though, my dad didn’t have access to the internet and the resources. He did the best he could with the available tools, and you have a completely different set of tools available to you. And you have it within you to be that father and to be that man, we know you, you’ve got it within you, and you do too. Otherwise, you won’t be listening to this podcast. If you didn’t know you had it within you, then there wouldn’t be any contrast in your life, and you’d be happy going about your business without looking to grow in any way, shape, or form.
Doug Holt 20:37
So true, man. I mean, it is something I admire about you, Tim is you don’t have kids, yet you’re not married yet. It’s something that you and Amelia both want in the future, and there’s a possibility for you guys. But yet, you are paving the way for that to be a possibility and setting up the standard for which you want to be a father. You actively seek out fathers that you want to be role models. You actively seek out married couples that you want to be role models. And yet, you still have the love and respect for everybody else in greeting them where they are.
A lot of the men listen to this. They become fathers, and no manual comes with marriage or being a father, especially being a father. There are not many resources out there. Yet, we pattern what was done to us. The things that happened to us or how we were treated and how we were raised, yet without really taking time to think about what we want for our children. And every time you talk to someone mature in their life, so 70 plus, and you ask them what’s important, they never talk about business, they always talk about their kids and grandkids. And frequently talk about regrets, often the things that they didn’t do, or the things they did to their kids and with their kids, didn’t spend enough time. Didn’t yell too often or discipline differently. And those regrets, you can see the pain in their eyes. I believe that we’re at a unique turning point, right now, in our lifetime. In the lifetime of humans, it’s almost like an evolutionary turning point where we have the tools and resources available, and future generations will look back at this time. And they’re going to make a declaration, and you know, why didn’t you change? You had the opportunity.
Why didn’t you change? For the first time, Tim, it’s very socially acceptable for men, for strong men, to be open, be vulnerable, talk about their feelings or what’s going on in their world, and then step up and make a change. To step into that courage. And that’s where I find it interesting. You said it so eloquently in a previous podcast that you got on the phone. You have the benefit of talking to these men in the early stages when they inquire about The Powerful Man and going through pain, and frequently they’re not willing to step up, they’re dipping their toe in the water, and they want to stay in the same place, which is just stagnation. And the same level of complaint.
Tim Matthews 23:32
Yeah, Doug, you said something that just hit me so much, then you have the opportunity. Why didn’t you change? Like, wow, I do not. When we do have kids and hope that we can have kids, we do have kids. And that’s a genuine wish and desire of both of ours. And when that happens, I will not be having that conversation in 2030 years. When my son or daughter comes to me and says, hey, you had the opportunity to change? Why didn’t you change? Wow.
Doug Holt 24:12
Yeah. So gentlemen, if you’re out there listening to this and resonating with you, especially your fathers, are you repeating the pattern? Are you becoming someone or something that doesn’t resonate with who you want to be, The Powerful Man you know you are? If that’s the case, I encourage you, and I implore you to step up, step up to the line and make a change, whatever that looks like for you. Make a change.
Now in this moment of decision and clarity. Make the first step be the courageous leader that I and Tim both know you are and forge a path for your family for future generations, and be the one who’s strong enough to say hey, I’m willing to do it. I’m eager to invest my time, my money, my resources, whatever it is, really stepping into the fears of what it is, and make that change for not only myself but for my family. I encourage you to do that. And as always, Tim, myself, the coaches at The Powerful Man, and the involved men are here for you. And we’re here to help you make that change, whatever that looks like for you. Guys, that’s a wrap for this episode. Thank you, as always, for being here with us. And, of course, go over to the Facebook community. And as well, we’d love it if you give us a rating wherever you’re listening to this so other men just like you can find the show. Tim’s always thank you for being with us, and we’ll see you next time.
