Episode #873
In this episode, we dive into a critical, yet often overlooked, aspect of a healthy marriage: how you speak about your spouse in public. Doug unpacks the subtle but damaging habit of putting down your partner in front of others, whether it’s during casual conversations or venting frustrations. He shares real-life examples of how these behaviors not only degrade your relationship but also undermine trust and loyalty.
Learn the importance of lifting up your spouse, reinforcing loyalty, and setting the right tone in your relationship. Doug offers practical steps to recognize when you’re being critical and how to shift towards being a supportive partner. Whether you’re dealing with resentment, insecurity, or simply caught in a negative cycle, this episode provides the insights needed to turn things around.
If you’re serious about protecting your marriage and want to stop the downward spiral of negativity, tune in to this transformative conversation. Take action today and see the positive changes in your relationship.
As always, in moments of insight, take massive action!
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
So, here’s what I want you guys to do, and I want you to reflect upon the conversations you have about your wife, and the conversations you have about your wife with others. Are you putting your wife on a pedestal? Are you lifting her up, or are you putting her down? Are you going around telling people all the negatives about your wife because your relationship isn’t working out, or because you’re insecure, or are you building her up in front of the brothers, talking about the great things she’s doing, the things she’s doing at home?
“My wife’s so lazy, it’d be nice if she just brought in some money once in a while. Here I am working, and she’s working on some MLM-type deal.” These were the words I heard coming out of a guy’s mouth at a barbecue not too long ago, as I sat there, surrounded by eight other men in a typical guy’s circle having a conversation. He started to rant and rave about his wife’s inability to provide income and how he was the victim because he had to work. Meanwhile, his wife and the other wives were in another part of the backyard, having their own conversation.
What dawned on me was, here’s this guy in front of me talking ill about his wife, the mother of his kids, whom he claims to love, right? He’s making fun of her. He starts going into a tirade about how she’s getting involved in an MLM, how stupid it is, how she’s not smart, how she doesn’t provide income, etc., etc. When I looked around, all of the guys had a similar expression to mine—one of disbelief, but he didn’t catch on.
Now, this happens more often than you’d think, and the reason I noticed is that this is what I train to do—listen to people and catch patterns. But think about this: if this guy is talking this badly about the person he shares his bed with, how is he going to talk about me when I’m not around? How is he going to treat me when I’m not around? And how is his wife going to feel when she finds out he’s degrading her in front of a group of men, not just any men, but our spouses or her friends? Like, my wife is a good friend of hers. Of course, these things get passed on, and eventually, she could find out. Even if she doesn’t, the intention behind the comments, the gossip, the backroom talk, and the ill talk about your partner is just unnecessary. It breeds an environment of distrust, and that distrust can grow, causing you to lose a sense of loyalty. For some people, and I know for me, loyalty is one of the most important things. So when that gets detracted or someone does something to break it, I lose respect for them, and it degrades the relationship for me.
This is where it gets really important, guys. I don’t think most guys realize how often they do it. So, I’m inviting you to the possibility. Are you one of those guys who talk about their wives behind other people’s backs in public? Specifically, now, I’m not saying that you don’t rant and rave to your buddies or close friends when you’re upset—there’s a difference between venting and letting things out versus constantly putting your wife or your partner down. I see this all the time—not all the time, because the circles I hang out with are pretty good—but when I go to backyard barbecues or other gatherings with parents of my son’s or daughter’s friends, I witness this quite frequently. In this particular case, this guy obviously had something to get off his chest, but I wasn’t close to him, and I don’t think most of the other guys were either. So, when he was putting his wife down, it really just made him look bad. It made him look bad in front of us, certainly in front of me.
I think a lot of men do this, right? They do it because they want to feel better. They want to look important. They also have so much resentment built up in the relationship, and when that much resentment builds up, only bad things can happen. This is a result of things not being cleared up at home. Maybe his wife does need to work more. Maybe they have an agreement where she needs to provide more income. Maybe he’s stressed because he’s not producing as much as he should. Maybe she’s not smart, but what does that say about him? Did he choose to marry someone who wasn’t intelligent? I doubt it. It sounds like he was just putting her down to put himself up, and if that’s the case, he’s got a lot of other issues.
So, here’s what I want you guys to do: I want you to reflect upon the conversations you have about your wife, and the conversations you have about your wife with others. Are you putting your wife on a pedestal? Are you lifting her up, or are you putting her down? Are you going around telling people all the negatives about your wife because your relationship isn’t working out, or because you’re insecure, or are you building her up in front of the brothers, talking about the great things she’s doing, the things she’s doing at home?
Now, I happen to know this man’s wife. She is extremely intelligent and actually a lot more fun to hang out with than he is, so I can see that there could be some resentment or jealousy on his part. But instead of bettering himself, instead of going out and bettering himself so he could be more intelligent or at least equal to her, he decides to put her down.
Hey guys, I wanted to interrupt this episode because it dawned on me that many of you aren’t aware that we actually have a book on how to save your marriage without talking about it. Thousands of men have read it, they’ve reviewed it, and I want to give you the opportunity to do the same. If you’re interested in grabbing it, it’s a short read, but it’s helped a lot of men, just like you. Maybe you’re not interested in The Activation Method yet, but this is a small entry point that can really turn things around for you. Go over to Amazon. We have it priced as cheap as Amazon will let us, and that way you have a resource you can use right now to start getting some results in your marriage. Now, let’s get back to the episode.
Now, we look at the importance of loyalty. We also talk about trust and respect. When trust and respect are lost in a relationship, that’s often when we see men or women starting to have affairs. These might not be physical affairs; they could be emotional affairs. If she gets wind of the resentment he obviously has for her, or if she feels that energy, she’s going to start looking for connection elsewhere, right? Nobody wants to be around someone who’s constantly putting them down. She’s going to find avenues where people are lifting her up. We all know guys—those single friends or other men on social media who are messaging women. Do you think they’re saying nasty things, or do you think they’re saying nice things to get those women in bed? Of course, they’re being as nice as possible.
So, now she’s going to start hearing nice things from another man—it might even be another woman. She might not stray, but odds are, she’s going to have fantasies. She’s going to want to be around someone who lifts her spirits up, not someone who degrades her in public. It’s really shocking to me how often I see this happen, or I talk to men who say this is happening. A lot of times, it’s the other way around. Men come to me because their wives put them down in public, and we give them ways to counteract that. However, I encourage you, as a man, to watch how you speak about your wife. How do you speak about your wife in public? How do you speak about your kids in public as well? Are you lifting them up, or putting them down? What’s the common vernacular you’re using? Are you encouraging her dreams, encouraging her strengths, or are you talking about her faults—about all the things she’s not doing, the things she could be doing better?
Look, none of us are perfect. We can all do better, but it certainly doesn’t help anyone to showcase their faults in public. It just doesn’t. Now, a joke here and there—that’s the way I grew up. My brothers and I do that all the time; we joke with each other sarcastically, like men do. But that doesn’t apply to your wife. Your wife is not your brother, right? Your wife is your lover. So, you get to choose how you want to showcase her. If you want your wife to be your lover, are you representing her in public the way you’d want your lover to be represented? Are you describing her in the way you’d want your lover to be described? Are you treating your wife like your brother, or worse, and constantly putting her down because there’s no sex happening in bed, because you feel resentful, or because you’re down and depressed?
I encourage you to look at this because it could be a marriage destroyer for you, and I don’t want that to happen. Now, the couple I’m talking about—they’re not doing well. I happen to know because my wife knows his wife. They’re not doing well, and things aren’t going well. This conversation happened a long time ago, but the resentment is still there. It’s palpable, and I’m still talking about it. So, it’s not like I forgot about that conversation. When he asks me to hang out, I’m always busy. Why would I always be busy? Well, I don’t have time for people like that in my life. If he’s going to degrade the person he sleeps with, the person he claims to love, how the heck is he going to treat me when I’m not looking, or when I’m not around? It’s not going to be good. It’s not going to be good at all
So, gentlemen, I invite you to look at this within yourselves. How are you speaking about the people you love? Are you lifting them up or putting them down? Be honest with yourself. If you find yourself criticizing your wife in public or in front of her friends or your friends, take a breath and go, “Okay, let me correct that.” Why are you doing that? Are you doing it because you’re resentful? Are you doing it because you’re jealous? What’s going on for you? Clean up that part within you—clean up your side of the street. Clean up the mess you may have made, then move forward and elevate your wife as your lover, your partner, and not your enemy. I think you’re going to find your relationship and your life moving much more smoothly.
Men, as always, in the moment of insight, take massive action. We’ll see you next time on The TPM Show.
