Episode #870
In this episode, we dive deep into what it truly means to embody the qualities of the man you’d want your daughter to marry. Join us as we explore how to break free from the cycle of feeling like just a paycheck, disconnected from your family, and struggling to find respect and intimacy in your marriage.
Doug Holt share personal stories and actionable insights on how to regain your power, reignite the passion in your marriage, and become the leader your family needs. This episode is a must-listen for any married business owner feeling overwhelmed and ready to take a stand for their marriage, their family, and their personal growth.
Tune in to learn how to shift from being reactive and frustrated to becoming the confident, decisive man who leads by example—creating a legacy of love and respect that will last for generations.
Hungry for more?
Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
Also listen on:
Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
If you’re lacking in connection, right? If you’re lacking in intimacy, or maybe you’re resentful because your wife isn’t doing all the things you think she should do, these are little things that put mud on the glass between you and your wife, right? And you’re also showing your daughter a bad example of what it means to be the ideal husband, right? You want to show her a more ideal one. And if you’re not providing these in your relationship, then this could be your wake-up call to start doing so.
I’ve got a question for you. If you had to choose the kind of man that your daughter would marry, what qualities would you choose? Now, if you don’t have a daughter, then go ahead and think of a woman who’s close to you, a young woman, of course. Now, for me, it’s easy. I have a four-year-old daughter, so I do actually think of this question. And what I want you to think about right here and right now in this conversation is, what are exactly the most important qualities you’d want this man to have, the man that is going to be leading your daughter, the woman in your life that you love probably the most? Now, this becomes an interesting reflection, right? Because when you think about the qualities this man should have, that he should possess, he is going to be taking on, you know, your little girl. And when you think about him taking on your little girl, how do you want her to be treated? How do you want her to be talked to? Now, of course, all of us are going to say, “Well, geez, I’d like this man to love, to respect, to communicate with my daughter in a very clear loving, and patient way.” I’d want this man to have all the qualities that I strive for in my life. And that’s a typical thing. And when I think about this, and I actually sit down and reflect upon these things and make a list, I often wonder, where am I falling short in this list? Would I be the man that I want my daughter to marry, or a type of man, for that example? Now, one thing that you can do is grab a journal sit down, and write a list out. Now take yourself completely out of the equation, right? And again, if you don’t have a daughter, think of another young girl in your life that you know, that you care about, that you care for, and think about the qualities that you want this young man, or who eventually is going to be an older man, to have. How do you want him to behave when he’s with your daughter? How do you want him to behave when he’s not with your daughter?
Is he going to criticize her? Is he going to talk behind her back? Is he going to show her love and respect? How is he going to show up on holidays? How is he going to show up on important days like her birthday or anniversaries? How do you want this man to interact with you and the rest of your family? Now, these are important things to consider, because when we’re considering these, really, what we’re thinking about is the ideal man, the man that we think or hold to the highest level of esteem. Now, when we do this list, what I want you to do is get all these things down. I’d like you to rank them in order of priority. And if you haven’t done that already, then go ahead and just really quick, go through your list. Pause this, and come back to it. I’ll be here. Go through your list and then rank the top 10, right? So integrity is very high for me, making sure this man loves openly, my daughter, right? The respect is a really big one for me, too. And of course, open communication. At TPM, we teach a communication skill that’s specifically designed for men to communicate with women, right? And I’d want this man to be able to do it. We call it the Triad of Connection. It’s three parts to that, but without going into those details, because we’ve done a ton of podcasts on it, what I want you to do is consider: are you doing these things, these top 10 things, are you doing these right now in your marriage? Because if you’re not doing them in your marriage, one, there’s probably another man, your wife’s father, who is disappointed. But two, and more importantly, you’re probably disappointed, right? You’re probably disappointing yourself. These are areas that we’re lacking in, and it’s not for you to judge, right? Don’t feel guilty, and certainly don’t feel shameful if you’re lacking in this top 10 or any of the things that you listed. But use this as a point of self-reflection, a point where you can look at yourself in the mirror and look at that top 10 list and go, “Okay, maybe I’m not ranking as highly in these categories as I would like to.” Maybe it’s your ability to connect with your wife. Maybe it’s in intimacy, right? That’s something. When I had men do this list, they often didn’t write that down, but that’s really important, right?
You want your daughter to feel intimate and connected with her partner, but you also want her to have good sex, enjoy her life, and have a lot of fun and laughs. Are you providing these in your relationship? And if you’re not providing these in your relationship, then this could be your wake-up call to start doing so. Not only will this benefit your marriage and your wife, but it also benefits you. And on top of that, you’re providing a role model, a reflection to your daughter of what an ideal man could be. Now, we call it the powerful man, a man who finds his power from within himself. A lot of people think that a powerful man is about beating your chest and being strong. And for some guys, being strong is a virtue, but really we’re talking about the inner power. Who are you inside? It doesn’t mean you have to have it all together, because nobody does, but you do want to be able to have that reflection where you’re able to look at yourself, not criticize other people, but see inside yourself what’s lacking, and then take ownership for that side of the street, the side of the street that you can control. So again, if I’m looking at my list, right? And I’m looking through that. I’ve written it down. I’ve got my top 10 in order of what I want this young man who’s going to take my daughter, lead her through her life and her journey on this thing we call life. When I look at those, I’m going, huh, how am I ranking in these areas? How am I performing in these 10? And if I’m falling short in one or many of them, now I’m going to take massive action and create a plan on how to better them. How am I going to get better at this? So for me, when I do this list, one of the areas that I don’t excel in is my relationships with my in-laws, right? I would want this young man to be very close to me, to be very close to my wife. I want him to be integrated into my family. But me, on the other hand, I don’t spend a lot of time communicating with my in-laws. It’s not because I don’t like them. I get very busy. And when I look at my list of priorities and people to stay in contact with, it just doesn’t come first to mind for me.
And again, I love them. They’re great people, and it’s an area that I get to improve upon. Simple as that, I get to improve upon it. So then, having that self-reflection, I can now create a plan. How am I going to communicate with my in-laws in such a manner that it would be a reflection of the way I would want a young man or a man to communicate with me if he marries my daughter? Again, I have a four-year-old daughter, so this is very easy for me to really take this deep self-reflection. You know, she’s at that precious age. I love her so much, and I want her to really grow up and have a fulfilling life. Should she choose to get married? Hey guys, sorry to interrupt this episode, but the reality is, if you are watching or listening to this right now, then you are looking to better yourself, and I applaud you. You’re one of my people, and I want to give you the opportunity to take massive action. So if you haven’t joined The Activation Method yet, it’s our flagship program. Do what thousands of other businessmen, just like you, have done, and take action. Be one of the one percenters that actually does the work and takes action. There’ll be a link in the description that’ll take you right to a page that’ll just give you more information.
There is no obligation. Just go check it out and see if it’s a good fit for you. All right, let’s get back to this episode now. With that, I can now have that self-reflection. I can create a plan of action. Maybe I put it in, for me, I’ll put it in project management software because I need reminders when something’s not first to mind for me to reach out to them, maybe it’s once a week, once a month, whatever it is, right? I would say once a month would be totally acceptable for me. So now I’m going to take action, and I’m going to reach out to my in-laws, with a simple text: “Hey, how are you doing?” In fact, I’m flying back there to see them in two weeks, so it’ll be a great time for me to spend time with them. And when I’m with them, I am with them, I am there, I’m present. I’m where my feet are. And I would like this ideal guy who’s going to marry my daughter to do it more often than I’m doing it. So look at these areas where you’re performing. Consider your wife as somebody else’s little girl, because she is. Are you hitting these things? If you’re lacking in connection, right? If you’re lacking in intimacy, or maybe you’re resentful because your wife isn’t doing all the things you think she should do. These are little things that put mud on the glass between you and your wife, right? And you’re also showing your daughter a bad example of what it means to be the ideal husband, right? You want to show her a more ideal one. Again, this is not from a place of judgment, but for my daughter, I want her to see the interaction I have with my in-laws and how positive it is. Now, we have a very positive relationship, as I said, but I want my daughter to witness it, witness at a core level, not from a place of me showcasing it, but something that’s very natural, right?
I want her just to feel the natural ebb and flow of our communication, our relationship, so that when she gets married and she gets older and she’s in her 40s, or what have you, to her, it’s very natural for her husband to have a great relationship with me, right? Me and my wife, because that’s just what she’s used to, right? That’s her natural default. And she’ll also, by that, attract a man who’s got those characteristics. Now, of course, I don’t plan on this young man being a perfect project. But I’d like him to have certain things or certain baselines that I want for him. And then again, I want to flip the mirror on me and say, “Hey, Doug, are you doing this in your marriage? Are you doing this in your relationship? Right? Where are you?” And then I rank myself on a scale of one to 10. You know, when it comes to communication, where am I on one to 10? Great. I give myself a nine. Perfect. There’s room for improvement. But that’s not the area I’m going to focus on. Then I’ll look at other areas, intimacy, and respect. Do I talk poorly behind my wife’s back? Do I make fun of her in front of people? Different areas of things, interactions that I see with other couples often, that make me kind of go, “Oh, that’s—they’re not doing well.” But am I doing that in front of my daughter? And that’s really a question that you want to look at. Take some time to journal this. Guys, really look at that. Are you being the man in your marriage that mirrors the man you want your daughter to marry? And again, if the answer is no, get rid of shame and guilt and take action. Write down a plan with where you’re going to take action, if it’s in the area of relationships, if it’s in the area of communication, intimacy, and resentment. If you feel like, “Hey, my wife and I are, as I always say, sleeping four inches from each other, but we feel like we’re four miles apart,” then get into The Activation Method for relationships. Do that now. Get on the phone, make a call, talk to one of our advisors, make sure it’s, you know, it’s for you, but join. Just join. If it’s in another area, maybe there’s another area that you’re lacking. Maybe you want this guy to be financially astute. That’s not something we teach on the front end. We teach it to men in The Brotherhood in some aspects. But then go take a course so you can become more financially astute. So you can become, you know, the guardian of the finances within your family. If that’s important to you, maybe it’s your relationship with God. Maybe that’s something that’s very important. This man must have a strong faith, but if you find yourself with your faith lacking, then that’s an area you’ll want to work on. Again, I’m not here to tell you what areas to work on, but I am telling you to use this as a mirror, a reflection for yourself, to do a self-check, right?
I like to do this probably, what, once every quarter to once every six months. This particular exercise I also do with clients I work with one-on-one, and it’s a great exercise, again, to get that inner sense. Now, I can come up with my list and show it to you here, the top 50 things that I want this young man to possess. I want him to have all of these characteristics. In fact, my list will probably be 1,000 bullet points long. However, you want to pick the top 10, the top 10 that are most important, because a lot of those things will just wash away, and my list isn’t going to be the same as your list. Now, I’m guessing if you’ve been listening to the TPM show for a while, or watching us on YouTube, or maybe even attended our events, our values probably align. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here, right? But they’re going to be in slightly different orders, right? You might have respect above love, or love above respect, or something like that, but
most of our values are going to fall in line. However, it’s important that you find yours. What are your top 10 values that you want this young guy to have to date your daughter, to marry your daughter, because you’re not going to be there? You’re not going to be there to protect her. You’re not going to be there to console her if she’s crying, if she’s feeling desperate and lonely, you’re not going to be there if he’s unfaithful or if she’s unfaithful. So what are the characteristics that he needs to possess? And then rank yourself on the characteristics you are lacking, and take massive action, guys. It’s a short one today, but I want to make sure I got this one out to you. It’s an exercise, and like any exercise, it’s easy to do and easy not to do. I implore you, to take time, and go through these steps. Start with the visioning. What does this man look like? How does he act? How does he feel? How does he move throughout his day? How does he treat your daughter, and how do you want him to treat your daughter? And then list those characteristics, come up with the top 10, the top 10 most important things, and then look at yourself and go, “Huh? Am I doing those now?” Don’t be the guy that makes excuses. “Well, I’m not intimate with my wife because, you know, she stonewalls me,” or “She just storms off.” You take complete ownership of your side of the issue, 100%. When you start to blame somebody else, you give yourself an out, and you become a scapegoat. And that’s victimhood, guys, and that’s not what I want for you. I want you to take ownership of your actions, and where you are, so you can completely own your side of the street, and then look at those 10 and then take action. Go, “Gosh, this area I’m lagging. I’m lagging in my faith, or I’m lagging in intimacy, or I’m lagging in my connection, or maybe it’s a connection to self, to yourself.” Then take massive action to correct that. Your daughter is watching, and so is everybody else. And more importantly, guys, you are not meant for average. So start taking action today so you can live the life that you are meant to live. See you next time on the TPM show.
