Episode #861
In this episode, we dive deeper into the journey of self-compassion and personal growth. If you’ve ever felt like your worst critic or struggled with negative self-talk, this episode is for you. We continue our conversation on how to become your own best friend, exploring practical steps to shift your mindset and embrace self-kindness. Through relatable stories and actionable insights, you’ll learn how to foster a healthier relationship with yourself, which in turn, can transform your personal and professional life.
Tune in to discover how self-compassion is not just a buzzword but a powerful tool that can lead to profound changes in your life. Whether you’re navigating challenges in your marriage, business, or personal life, this episode offers the guidance you need to move forward with confidence and compassion.
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Transcription
Mo Parks 0:00
The Christian men, where they still say, Hey, God is still the most important and high. But that doesn’t mean you’re who you are is low. I said that if people have never been told that they’re valuable, if their whole life they’ve been told they’re not valuable, then why would they value themselves? And so I think the idea of being your own best friend can be like, put into this category of self care, that’s like, you are your own end. You’re like your self is like the most important thing over God.
Tim Matthews 0:41
So last episode, if you didn’t catch it, we spoke about the importance of becoming your own best friend. And when we stopped the cameras rolling, Mrs. Mo Parkes raised some great points. So this is going to be a continuation that conversation. So you might want to go back and listen to that one first. But if not, here goes. So you’re gonna raise another point. Yes. So just to give a little bit of backstory here, for somebody that didn’t catch the last episode, we were talking about the importance of being your own best friend, and how it’s a struggle for a lot of people. We were having a little bit of a debate, right? I was saying, Well, why? Why is it so hard? Because the definition, I don’t recall, the definition offhand that we had written out, was something on the lines of being your own best friend, means treating yourself with the same kindness, compassion, understanding that you would treat you’d give to a close friend, enabling you to just navigate life in a much easier way, which, when we heard the definition in that way, it made a lot of sense to both of us, right? And as we were talking about, well, why do people make it hard? Why do people resist it? It led to the idea of, okay, well, would this be something that some advice that you give your kids, yeah, which most people say, Well, yeah, of course, would want my kids to look at themselves and treat themselves that way. Okay, also, if it’s good enough for your kids, why is it not good enough for you? And second of all, if it’s good enough for your kids, then, given the fact that kids do what you do and not what you say, then surely you must have to model that if you want your kids to also do it for themselves, right? So we go into the reasons why people might resist this idea of becoming their own best friend and changing their inner dialog to be more positive self talks they can move from being their own worst critic to their own best friend. And what was that first point of resistance that you mentioned?
Mo Parks 2:47
I said that if people have never been told that they’re valuable, or for their whole life they’ve been told they’re not valuable, then why would they value themselves? Oh yeah, that
Tim Matthews 2:56
was a second point, yeah, but let’s dive into that, because that was the point I wanted to make, because there’s a lot of men that come to us. And I think you’d be a great person to speak to this. A lot of Christian men, they come to us. And as you know, we’ve got the powerful Christian man. That’s one of the groups within workplace. The guys are actually coming to The Ranch here. I think in September, they come in do an event for themselves. And this is one of the concepts that a lot of those men often struggle with in the beginning, transparently, I’m not religious. I’m not Christian. Man. I consider myself to be spiritual, not religious. I think it’d be good to just dive in and explore a little bit given the fact that, yeah, you are Christian. You are religious. So what do you think the guys might be going through the struggle of the Christian men that come to us, because we got a lot of them the end like the end goal of a Christian’s life is to glorify God and to make his name known.
Mo Parks 3:50
Like, those are the two central ends. So to know more of God is basically to put yourself into a place where he is the most important thing. He is the top priority. He is the place. I would argue that being a friend to yourself from a Christian perspective, would be spending time with God, whether that’s in prayer or Bible or whatever. So I don’t think that they’re mutually exclusive apart from each other. What I think at times, a Christian culture that is maybe a little less healthy can imply is that God is all, therefore you are nothing. You’re like dirt, you’re a sinner, you’re low, you’re nothing. And while I agree that our sin is low and that our sin is to be forgiven by God that He made us still in his image with value and with honor and with integrity. And we are literal. Literal. The word Christian means little Christ. We are image bearers of God. And so I think the idea of being your own best friend can be like put into this category of self. Care. That’s like overdone in the American culture, which basically says like you are your own end your like your self is like the most important thing over God, which I think that’s when it starts to come, in contrast with Christianity. So I think that there is a world within the Christian men that they want to modulate that where they still say, Hey, God is still the most important and high. But that doesn’t mean you’re who you are, is low and gross or whatever might be, because the whole idea of Christianity is that we have that image that Christ does now, like that’s what being saved is. It’s that Christ is who we are now. And so I’m if I’m seen as Christ, then I’m seen as holy, blameless, beautiful, valuable, with integrity. And so therefore I should look at myself that way. Does that make sense?
Tim Matthews 5:54
It does make sense. Yeah, I’m just thinking of various guys I’ve worked with who have struggled in the beginning to do things for themselves, and they have struggled to really see and receive their these are my words, their greatness, because they’ve not wanted to come across as being arrogant or prideful. That’s, that’s a great one. Yeah, prideful, yeah. So as a result, they often then diminish and play down their results, yeah, or the role they’re playing something Yeah. And they kind of, they can struggle a little bit, and now, obviously we work with a lot of Christian people who, by going through our programs, they tell me that they see a lot of teachings from Christianity. Yeah, they do within what it is we do. And oftentimes you have a lot of Christian men and other religions too, that come to us with a very weakened faith for whatever reasons. Yeah, of whatever reason, rather, and by going through the programs, the end result is they’ve often strengthened or rediscovered that faith. Yeah, so let’s touch on that first point about some of the struggles in the beginning, about the prideful peace and such. I personally would love to learn a little bit more about that pride is seen in the Bible as, like the greatest sin.
Mo Parks 7:29
So that’s probably where you’re seeing a lot of a lot of stuff. It’s one of the most referenced. I believe it’s one of the most referenced. And apart from fear and there is pride. Is thinking of your Okay? Pride is thinking of not thinking highly of yourself, but thinking of yourself much. So, not thinking much of yourself, but thinking of yourself much so, it’s the amount of time you spend thinking about yourself, essentially, and it’s so people can be prideful if they think of themselves less, or if they think of themselves more because they’re still thinking of themselves frequently. Does that make sense? And so how I have there’s a great book by CJ MAHANEY called humility that kind of ties these principles together in this idea of what is humility? What is true? Humility? And after read the book, it just totally changed my view on Pride and and arrogance. But remind me of the piece so that becomes a stumbling block. You said to a lot of people experiencing what that being a friend to yourself is, is that what you’re saying? Okay, yeah. So I would say it kind of goes into what I just said, which is, there is a way to glorify God even as you achieve more and your light shines brighter. So it’s not just oh, like, I don’t want to talk about myself much. It’s like, No, you should be talking about yourself more, because God gave you the ability to do all those things. So it’s not taking credit for the spaces that you’ve grown in and you’ve become all like higher and it’s saying, man, thank God he was able to do that. And so it’s not prideful if you’re giving glory to God for giving you the muscles to work out, for giving you the heart to want to sit and journal for giving you the ability to give to other people in generosity, like those, if you boast in those things cool, like the Bible talks about boasts in the Lord, like boast in him, giving you the ability to do that.,
Doug Holt 9:34
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Mo Parks 10:09
And so I think that there’s a way to hold both in hand, where it’s saying, like, man, like, there’s been a lot of growth, and I can see that, like being a friend with myself is only due to the like, to what the things and the resources and the stuff that God’s given me.
Tim Matthews 10:27
I can see that that makes sense. Yeah, you know, selfishly, luckily, I see a lot of them make this transition, yeah, and it’s, it’s a wonderful thing. Again, I’m not religious, but seeing the men we work with strengthen their faith, yeah, and the energy they have, and the perspective and who they are as men and as leaders and fathers and yeah, they’re impressive to be around.
Mo Parks 10:55
It’s, it’s amazing. Like, I think that when you’re able to connect to that, like, oh, man, like things are great. Like, I’m so thankful that God says really rests in gratefulness and thankfulness and what God’s done in their lives. There’s just like a magneticism that I feel to people in the church that are like that. And a lot of our men, they go through I’m just like, Man, I can feel you connecting with God in a level, like, just really tuning into, like, what the Spirit, which is resting in your soul, like we are a home for the Spirit of God, and I can feel that in you, like I can see that, and I can and I recognize it, because it’s in me, and I’d love it. It’s, it’s some of the most encouraging, inspiring conversations. And guys have come out of our Alpha Reset, and the guys that have really grown in their faith are really connected something. I’m thinking of someone specifically. And he was just like on his knees before God, and I could feel it after his retreat ended. And he because he was talking to me, and he was just like, man, and I was like, I can sense the spirit, like alive in you again. And because that’s really what it is, is surrendering to letting God take over and do the work, so you can be like man, like, I’ve grown a lot, but it’s all thanks to God.
Tim Matthews 12:12
So yeah, it’s a wonderful thing, not only the energy they bring and who they become as men and leaders and fathers and such, but also the relationship, from my perspective, the relationship they then rediscover with themselves as well. Yeah, it is, it is. And I would consider that them re remembering how to be their own best friend. Yeah, because they often talk about they’ve rediscovered which denotes that they had it before and they’ve found it again. Yeah, only this time they’ve found it in a bigger way and it’s amplified.
Mo Parks 12:52
Yeah. I think one of the biggest ways that I see a lot of Christian guys rediscover like the power of God in their lives is through silence like and I think that’s what we create a lot of here. It’s because the world is so loud, and your phone is loud all the voices I remember used to say, I turned down the noise outside so I can turn up the noise in and I think that’s what I see a lot of Christian guys coming here and doing. They’re just turning down the outside noise, they can hear the voice of God louder and and that creates, obviously more powerful, better relationship with self, which obviously Christians believe the spirit rests in you, which is meaning, like, I have the quiet to speak to the spirit and speak to God. And it’s man, it’s powerful.
Tim Matthews 13:40
It is yeah. And again, as somebody that isn’t religious, I feel it from them, yeah, you know, I feel that the power and the energy from them is palpable, yeah. And the people I want to be around as well that they’re great guys, huge hearts. They become very humble. They weren’t humble before, but there’s a real humility. Yeah, I can think of one guy in particular who used to very religious. Guy lost touch with his faith somewhat during that period. Also got sucked into the trap of trying to keep up with the Joneses, cars, houses, so on. And then on the side of the program, downsized, oh, wow, sold the cars. It became happiest had been in in years, and the most connected had been in years, not only to himself, but to God, to his family, to other people.
Mo Parks 14:44
It’s interesting watching people redefine what treasure looks like as they go through what that that I just heard, oh, he remembered what his treasure really was, and and because he sold all the things that. Didn’t really matter, because he realized the connection. And the real treasure was that connection with God, connection with self, through God. And yeah, it’s, it’s beautiful thinking about it from a from a financial wealth perspective, to a true soul treasure, it’s always going to be reliable.
Tim Matthews 15:21
Can I jumped in in two different directions on this episode, which has been great? Yeah, I’ve loved it, and I think the listeners gonna resonate. It’s not something we talk about very often. No, at all. I don’t think it was fun spoken about it yet. Just going back to the best friend piece, yeah, I wanted to touch on this because we have so many guys of faith, men of faith, different types of faith, that they’d be listening to this. And when I was asking, Well, I don’t understand. Why would people make it so hard? I think this is one of the key conversations. Yeah, what they’ve been taught to believe. So just going back to the idea of becoming your own best friend, why would people not? Are there any other things that you can think of as to why people would resist that?
Mo Parks 16:12
Yeah, I think, I don’t know if I said this, but I think a purposeful sabotage, like an idea that they aren’t worth that to themselves, like they I’m not worth being a friend to myself like I don’t deserve. I don’t That’s it. I don’t deserve the the grace, I don’t deserve the love. I don’t deserve the kindness. Therefore, I’m gonna put my myself in spaces where I intentionally can’t say self serve myself true. I mean, and sabotage can come down to a bunch of different reasons as to why you would engage in that type of behavior. It could be a number of different things, but I can tell you, that’s probably my biggest thing that I go, as you can imagine, that I go to to fight being a friend to myself. It’s this, I’m just going and going, and maybe I get distracted with my day, and then I feel guilty for not having taken that time for myself. So then I just avoid it more by running from it. And then just create that cycle day after day after day, and until I’m in a place where I’m just like, totally dead, and then I’ll do it because I’m like, I have to be really like, thirsting to actually drink from the water and and I think those are patterns that have built from probably childhood of being told I wasn’t as valuable, or being perceiving, I’ll give it perceiving that I wasn’t valuable, that I wasn’t worth time for me, that I wasn’t so do all the other things. Make sure all those things are taken care of, and go to sleep and just pretend that it doesn’t matter that you didn’t take care of yourself, and you’ll find yourself in a big hole and longing for everyone else to take care of you really quickly.
Tim Matthews 17:52
So advice would you give to somebody in that position?
Mo Parks 17:56
Take care of yourself? No, I would say, investigate what need you’re meeting by avoiding it. Because if you keep doing it, there’s something that cert it’s serving you. What it was serving me was, um, you know this, I can’t remember, though it’s been a while since I’ve engaged thankfully, in this type behavior, but I think the need that it was meeting in me was that I enjoyed the chaos. That’s what it was that I’ve said this on other podcasts. But peace feels like boredom to those who grew up in chaos, so it created too much peace that I didn’t even know what to do with my life. I only knew how to function in the problem solving. I only knew how to function in the chaos that was my story, at least. And I had to understand where that story came from, and then let it go, which is the hard part, perceived hard part, and and then say, like, No, I’m uncomfortable in this piece. I’m uncomfortable and everything being okay, but I’m just going to keep doing it, because this has to be my new normal. I had to reset what normal was, because normal used to be chaos and not taking care of myself and my new normal had to become be okay and sit in the boredom, be okay and sit in the peace and that because I matter, because I’m valuable, because of all these things that I didn’t grow up believing that I was and self talk Those were, and then self like giving myself that time during the day just reaffirmed the idea I am valuable. The more time you give yourself, the more you’re giving yourself the feedback loop that I’m worth that time, but the less time you give to yourself, the more you’re giving yourself that feedback loop of I can wait on myself. I don’t need to be there for me. And yeah, it’s disciplining yourself to the place of understanding what needs you’re meeting and then breaking it beautiful.
Tim Matthews 19:46
Well, guys, you heard it from Mrs. Moore parks, an expert in overcoming this. But look, in all seriousness, I. It’s hard. It can be a struggle to become your own best friend, but as we say at TPM, the journey is the destination. It never ends, and it’s definitely one that’s worthwhile. So if either of these two episodes have resonated with you, then please the moment of insight, take massive action. We’ll see you next time on the TPM show you.
