Being Your Wife’s Bitch

Episode #336

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Episode Transcript

Doug Holt  0:00  

My wife would come home, and after going shopping, his wife doesn’t work. He works hard, makes good money, she would tell me to be doing stuff like, hey, get the stuff out of the car, and he’d get the bags out of the car. And she said, Yep, I need you to do the dishes; I need to go lay down for a little bit. And this would repeat. And they’re seemingly small tasks. But she was kind of bitchy about asking him or telling him what to do. She’s asked; she just told him to realize over time, I want you to be my wife’s. Here. I’ve been here. 

Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim, “The Powerful Man” Matthews. What’s going down, brother?

Tim Matthews  0:12

The website? 

Doug Holt  0:16  

Guys, if you ever run anything, I don’t know what’s going on from a technical standpoint, but we just got messages or websites down the membership site; people are having a hard time getting in there. We have tons of training and programs for the men in our high-end mastermind group where men are investing 25 to 100k. To be and there’s just lots of training and from business to fitness to relationships. And something took the site down; the homepage is up, which is weird. But a lot of the pages are down. So I’m sure they’ll have that backup and running in no time. It’s just right before we hit the record. Tim and I got an alert about it on our phones, which is always a good thing. It’s good to see that everybody’s on top of what they’re supposed to be on. And these things happen. So it is interesting, but not what we’re here to talk about today, guys. So as the title talks about, is how to stop being your wife’s bitch. Now, I know this is going to offend some people. And so let me give this kind of a frame around this is the words that one of the guys that I was on the phone with had mentioned. He said, Doug, I’ve become my wife’s bitch. Right? So his words, not mine. 

But you guys get the idea of what we’re going through. So let me describe what was happening for him, Tim? And then let’s unpack this because some guys might experience this as well. And you know, this guy wouldn’t have said it openly to anybody else, probably but myself, and use those words, because no guy wants to admit that he’s become subservient or has become his wife’s bitch, I would imagine. So what happened is that, you know, what, what’s going on for me, is what I’d find myself doing, you know, my wife would come home and she, you know, after going shopping, his wife doesn’t work, and he works hard, makes good money. And she would tell me to be doing stuff like, Hey, I go, get the stuff out of the car, and he’d get the bags of the car. And she said, Yep, I need you to do the dishes, right? I’m going to, I need to go lay down for a little bit, and you do the dishes. And this would repeat. Like, they’re small, seemingly small tasks. But she was kind of well; she was bitchy about asking him or telling him what to do. And she didn’t ask; she just told them. And so what happened for him, Tim, is he realized over time, like, wait a minute, I’m being my wife’s bitch here. I’m being the bitch here. And he wasn’t getting laid; every once while, he got pity sex, just enough to string them along. I’m saying he went from a couple of times a week to once a month; you just enough to string them along. And then, you know, at night, they go out, and he’d have some drinks, right? And that resentment would build up in him. And the drinks, he gets liquid courage, puffs his chest out, she’d say something. And he’d say, Stop talking to me that way. And they get in a big argument, right? Because she’s the alpha. 

So she hurt, his chest would puff up. Like he’s squaring up with another guy, she would pop up. And he even got to the result where he pushed her a few times, and he was not in. The next day, you’d be disappointed in yourself. I’m not that kind of guy. I would never physically abuse my wife or, you know, just, you know, obviously push. And you know, now she would tell people, right, yeah, he pushed me. Right, not leading up to this blow-up. And so the cycle kept on repeating itself. There are gaps between these situations, and the gaps will get bigger, but the situation was essentially the same. Now guys listening to this, you may not, you know, ever pushed your wife, but have you ever felt in that situation where you’ve realized how deactivated you’ve been? And you’ve become subservient to your wife? Because for this guy in his situation, look, his wife is getting a maid. She’s getting a chef. She’s getting someone to carry, you know, an errand boy, you know, he runs to the store whenever she needs something, or what have you. She’s getting all of these things. She’s getting all of our bills paid for. She’s going to a personal trainer, who knows if she’s doing anything on the side, which is his worry. But his main worries when he woke up and figured out how deactivated he was. He said Doug, and you know that he’s like it rang to my core when you mentioned deactivated. I knew right away. It’s like Exactly what was happening to me. I became deactivated and became my wife’s bitch, and I didn’t realize it. And then when I would realize it, I would blow up, pop out my chest, get a big pit stop and my feet said this is enough. And then that blow-up turned into a huge fight and embarrassment and shame around myself and what I would do.

Tim Matthews  4:50  

Hmmm, come on, and rise can like the nice guy trap, huh? Yeah, I’ve certainly been there in the past; one of my strengths that can serve me well in business because I can be quite chilled with certain things and stay calm. And I get triggered, obviously, from time to time and have it within me to remain calm. But within Amelia, that then works against me. Because, you know, things, I can let things slide because I can, you know, doesn’t bother me. But that used to mean then that the boundary wasn’t there. And it’s very easy, or it was very easy then. Yeah, become a bitch in a center. You don’t; you don’t feel like it. And you don’t see it. All right.

Doug Holt  5:43  

No

Tim Matthews  5:44

I’m at chrome when I first started to address the balance. There was a period where it got messier before it got better.

Doug Holt  5:56 

Yeah, very good.

Tim Matthews  5:59  

Yeah,

Doug Holt  6:00  

very typical. And look, guys, I’m not saying just to be overly clear. Maybe I don’t have to do this. But I’m not saying you don’t help out around the house. You don’t do the dishes and things like that. I was upstairs. I cleaned up all the dishes from breakfast this morning. Right? I have my headphones in rocking out, and I do tons of stuff around my house. The difference is the intent. Right? The intent and the why you’re doing it. And for this particular guy, right? He was doing it because it’s, again, nice guy syndrome. This guy is a nice guy, just a great guy. And he found that this was believed this deactivation was bleeding over into his work. Right? He’s like, Doug, you know what I’ve realized, I’m doing the same thing in business. And this guy is super successful, Tim. He’s doing well. But he’s letting business deal with things people get away with, things that they shouldn’t have gotten away with. People, you know, sliding, as you said, when they shouldn’t have let things slide. And, you know, is really, I would say his courage and his strength were depleted at home. And so it’s just as depleted in business. And that started a mirror into his health, right? You started to gain some way wasn’t as wasn’t very strong, or what we’d say traditional manly sort of losing that edge that he had. This happens with a lot of guys when they get deactivated. Right. And, you know, this guy went through the, you know, going through The Activation Method is a perfect solution for him. 

So when you look at this situation, we want to look at here guys is, you know, first of all, understand that you’ve fallen into a trap. It’s very common. You know, it’s not your fault. It’s not your wife’s fault, either for, quote, unquote, taking advantage of it. She probably could be doing it subconsciously. Right. She could be in the sense of like, hey, I want to marry a man. And now I don’t have one. Like, how’s this guy going to protect me? So now I need to get my needs met. Cool. I don’t want to do the dishes. You do the dishes. And the guy does them. So she’s like, Alright, I don’t want to grab the groceries from the car. There. You grab them. He does that. And it starts stacking on she starts bragging to her girlfriends. Right about things. He becomes the guy. That’s the gopher, right. They use like, what’s a gopher? go for this, go for that? Or they get stuff. And the guy becomes that person to her. which is unfortunate. And they become completely deactivated because he’s become, you know, the math, emasculated as a man. And there’s not a lot of solutions. So what does the guy do? Well, I’m going to step up; I’m going to be the man. I’m going to pop my chest out. I’m going to show her for once. And we’ll finalize that I’m the godman. And you know, here’s how I’m going to do it. He does it with his mind, his physical strength, because he is physically stronger than her. And that just erupts into more problems. Right? We talked about the scales, right? 

You know, the reason many guys have problems in the marriage isn’t because of the marriage itself. It’s because they’re focused on the negative feelings and experiences. And that’s what counseling focuses on. We look at the scales, right? That’s been so out of balance, and he’s trying to get the tippet back to the neutral even. But he’s doing it the wrong way because he doesn’t know any better. And the puffing up the chest might be a way to do it. But really, what it ends up doing is throwing heavy weight onto that negative experience. She’s having a horrible experience where she’s feeling physically threatened. Right now, guys, we pump out our chests or what have you. It just happens naturally, right? When you just like, oh, I’m so frustrated. Right? What we’re doing there is we’re intimidating. All right, and we’re doing it subconsciously, but you start intimidating your wife, who is physically not as strong as you, right? I have to say 99 times out of 100. So then she’s scared of you now she’s scared and frightened. What’s she going to do? She’s going to seek certainty. She’s going to seek safety and not from you because now you are the threat. And this is where women start turning to other guys, they start turning to friends, maybe or data for dad still alive, etc. But those negative things, look at that scale. Again, that balance beam scale is getting tipped in the negative direction. And that’s getting more and more solidified.

Tim Matthews  10:06  

Yep. And you make a great point about she’s not going to turn to you because you’re the threat.

Doug Holt  10:11 

Yep. Yeah, we don’t think about it because this guy’s you know, if another guy pops his chest up at you, or, you know, I use that as an analogy, because I’ve heard women say that a lot. Oh, look at that guy puffing his chest out. But if you stand up straight and you get you, you get into that energy. We let that roll off as quickly as other men, right. So if Tim did that, Tim got aggravated with me and upset, you know, and he and I both get heated. We let it go quickly, right. Diffuses? Boom, I’m not scared. Tim’s not scared. It’s not a big deal for women. It’s a lot of different guys. Right? Women are worried about their lives most days. 

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And I know most men never heard, if you’ve ever heard me talk about the story of how I was at a seminar. And there were 1000s of people there. And the person who was leading the seminar said, hey, look, all the men who have feared for their lives in the past month stand up. Handful guys stood up last week, right? Blot it; most of the guys sit down. How many men have feared for their lives in the last, you know, couple of days? And there wasn’t one guy standing, doing the same thing with women. Almost all the women stood up; how about the last week? Still, almost all the women stood up the last day, still hundreds of women standing up. And we had been at that seminar for 15 hours a day. That means the women feared for their life, either at the seminar we were at, which had security and everything like this is a personal development thing. Or on their way to the hotel, the seminar was in because everybody stayed at the hotel. That’s crazy to me. Right? As men, we don’t have to face that fear, like to that level consistently. Now, if the woman puts you in that category, first of all, you’re being a bitch. Second of all, now she’s scared of you, you’ve created so much distance between the two of you. Right? This is where the call is getting activated and being activated is being an alpha, but it doesn’t mean you, you know, you’re threatening anybody. You’re just really getting tuned in and turned on to yourself and getting fired upon who you are. As a man, when you do that. You don’t need to be physically intimidating. You can be there’s violence like someone’s threatening your physical life or the physical life of your family. Right? But you don’t have to be that way in your home. Right? Your home is a safe spot for you and your family. You’re the protector. So when these guys find themselves in a situation where they’re gone, you know what? I’ve done my wife’s pitch; what would you suggest they do, Tim?

Tim Matthews  12:52  

The first place to start I suggest with is you got to keep yourself right. Some guys do it because they’re walking through the door and just exhausted, right? Yep, they don’t have any energy left, let’s say so it’s just easier to go with it. So they can avoid conflict. Right? They become a bit of a nice guy; they become passive that have an opinion on things, just do things to keep the peace. So the first thing to address the balance here and shift the shift is you’ve got to start taking care of yourself. I’ve got to look at how they do that. We’ve given the guys alive as a king a great way and easy way to do it. And this is why they start to reconnect with themselves and shift from deactivated to activated because without Standing’ there. You could walk into the home tonight. Don’t try, and you know, maintain that firm boundary, but it’s going to come from a place of reaction. And that isn’t a great place to come from, you’re not going to come from a place of centered, strong, calm, confident, clear place, which is where you want to come from, for this. That’s the first thing you get to do. The second thing after you doing that is to be then able to start to communicate your boundaries. Right? happened with Amelia and me this morning; in fact, she was late for something. She was stressed because she was late. And she went into the bathroom, and she’s like, why is my towel wet? Because you said to use the purple towel to wipe the side of the shower? Well, you should know that that just went off on one and said, if you use your brain, I’m like, I’m on I’m in it, you know, they’re going to talk to me like that, do not speak to me, like that I’m out of here, when you’re ready to talk calmly, I’ll speak to you. But right now, I’m not going to talk to you about this, and I’m not going to be spoken to like that, you know, in a calm where I was, you know, clearly frustrated as well. I didn’t refuse to get into an argument with her and get sucked into her drama because I knew what was going on for her. And I wasn’t going to be allowed to be called. She didn’t call me a name directly, but she insinuated, right, if you use your brain when we try to sound thick, so I’m just not going to accept it. I think in the past, I would have laughed, you know, I would have been, you know, just going with it, because I can let it wash off. But you know, boundaries-wise, I’m going to let her know that it’s not okay to talk to me like that. I’m going to accept it. 

So, yeah, then you start to communicate about you’re not saying you do it in the way I did it just then. It’s contextual to the situation you’re in and the relationship you’ve got, the type of guy you are. But you get to start communicating what is acceptable and unacceptable. In a calm, an inner calm weighs in importance; it is important in a firm, calm way. Because like you said, women often fear for their lives emotionally kind of subconsciously, most of the day, and you’re their surplus. So it’s very important to do your best to be able to stay connected, even in the time when you men are setting the boundary, right. You can stay connected, even while saying certain things just by your delivery, and how you say it, and your stance and your facial expression, things like that, which goes back to my initial point of making sure that you’ve activated and you’re full, because then it’s easier to do this. Whereas if you deactivate any empty, honestly, you’re going to find it difficult to drum up the strength even to withstand this. If you can’t crawl in through the dawn and evening, it’s going to be hard, and it’s going to be very hard, because at first when I shifted this, I was, you know, there’s a lot that comes out, yeah, usually in the early days, so you got to be able to see it, and pass it. Hence, the Hidden Motives Technique as well, which is something I use. So I’d go with those three things, start with yourself, establish the boundary, and do it in a way where you stay connected emotionally by how you do it, the intent behind it. And then also, on an ongoing basis, you can use the hidden mileage technique to continue to stay connected and continue to maintain the boundaries, it’s from this place, you’re going to get respect and admiration, not based on your bonus track, not based on how much money you make sure that can help. But it’s, because of the man you are and what you stand for, that you’re going to get respect and admiration.

Doug Holt  17:49  

And that’s exactly right. I mean, guys, when you’re setting your boundaries, you’re not to stomp your foot, set your boundaries, but it’s a soft line in the sand. Like now, I’m not going to do this anymore. And you can have a conversation about it. And you can even be open and say, Look, you know, things have been tough in the relationship. And I thought doing all these things would make it easier for us. It’s not working, and I’m no longer available to run these errands for you and do these things. Right? And then you could just say, this is not what I’m available for. And it could be a very simple conversation like that. And it’s like Tim saying, guys, there’s hope they’re right, and the reason I say there’s hope because I know a lot of guys that find themselves in this situation feel like they’re on their last straw, right? And unfortunately, some guys are looking for a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And guys, no matter what, Don’t be, you know, we’re here for you, right suicides. Never The answer for this; it is a temporary issue. And it’s a solvable problem. Right? You’ve just been deactivated, it’s as simple as that. It’s like activating something; we just need to activate you. And it’s not that big of a deal. And it’s awesome. On the other side, I can tell you because we’ve worked with so many guys, including you, who have had this issue. So it’s, you know, the no more Mr. Nice Guy syndrome, essentially, right. 

This is where you get to draw a line in your sand and in a way that is somewhat selfish, right in a good way, but in a way that allows those clear boundaries in a way that you’re leading your family in a way that provides your family the stability, security, and direction that they desire and deserve. And you’re going to feel so friggin amazing in this space, guys. You’re going to love it. You’re going to love the man that you’ll see there. And it’s the man that you already are. Right? You have just been caught up, and the man happens a lot starts with, we just do this because I have a headache or Well, you, you may be both of you are sitting on the couch. Right? Oh, we got a glass of water. Once, twice. Sure. But that’s a regular thing. Get me a deal. Give me a drink when she can get up and get it herself. Oh, uh, no, you’re being manipulated, or you’re being tested. There’s all kinds of ways this can go. And like I said every once in a while. Yeah, just like I would do it for Tim. Sure. I’ll get you one, bro. But after a while, what would you say to your guy friend who kept on asking you, Hey, give me another beer. Hey, give me another beer. You’d be like, dude, get your ass up off the couch and get your own. The same situation except for now. It’s your woman who you love dearly. And instead of the beer, it’s something else. It’s the trash. It’s the gifts. It’s picking up the kids when things that she can do herself. And there’s no other reason; then she just has you do it because it’s easier to have a maid and a servant. Right? It’s not what she wants. Either. She wants you; she wants a man she married, the activated man she married. The man has turned on guys ready and tuned into who he is

Tim Matthews  20:58  

100%.

Doug Holt  21:00  

So gentlemen, as always, take immediate action when you hear these terms. And I love putting these together for you. If you guys have any suggestions on what you’d like to hear, head over to the Facebook group; just search for The Powerful Man. It is a free group that’s out there where our coaches are also inside, where we do give some tips and insights in there as well. And there’s a great dialogue going on. Just search for a small application process. It is right now for business owners only. Right? That’s just who we work with. It’s what we’re known for. Business owners get certain things going on in their lives that other guys don’t have right in certain circumstances, the stress of business, and managing a family at the same time. So guys, please go over there and let us know what you’d like to hear. Until then, guys always take action. Right? Immediate, massive action. Right. That’s the key here. If you find yourself in this situation, especially, this is your time to decide to make a change. Until then, we’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man show.