Episode #904
Do you find yourself constantly looking for approval from your wife, partner, or even co-workers? How does this impact your confidence and your relationships?
In this episode, Doug and Mark break down the deeply ingrained habits many men have around seeking validation—especially from women. They explore the reasons behind this behavior, including childhood influences, societal conditioning, and the lack of true self-awareness.
You’ll learn actionable steps to:
- Build inner confidence and self-validation.
- Create emotional safety in your relationships.
- Understand the transformative power of grounded masculinity.
- Develop practices that connect you to your authentic self.
Mark also shares personal stories and expert coaching tips to help you stop looking outward for affirmation and start building a foundation of self-trust and inner strength.
Listen now to discover how to show up powerfully for yourself—and as the man your family and partner need.
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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
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Transcription
Doug: They’re looking for feedback, something to bounce off of, and as a reflection of what they’re putting out there in the world. And they choose women for a lot of reasons. One, it tends to be safer, right? In theory, right? It feels good, right?
Mark: Yeah.
Doug: Well, when validating you, there’s nothing wrong with that if it’s positive validation.
Mark: Correct, correct.
Doug: I think a lot of guys get negative ones too, right? Um, and so I think that guys pick women because it feels better. It’s safer. And that’s what they’re used to. They’re looking for, “Hey, am I doing a good job?”
Yeah. Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of The TPM Show. Today we are greeted by the one and only master coach himself, Mark Smith. So guys, today you want to stick around because Mark and I are going to delve into a topic that comes up often. In [00:01:00], in fact, we are coming off the back of the Alpha Rising, a transformational experience that we have here right at the TPM Ranch.
In case you don’t know, we have a ranch right in Sisters, Oregon, Central Oregon. It’s 107 acres—106 acres, excuse me. And we had that transformational event here. Mark flew all the way across the world to be here and to lead these men through the other side. Mark, thanks so much for being here.
Mark: Always a pleasure, Doug. You know that.
Doug: Yeah. Well, it’s my pleasure as well. Um, so one of the things that actually came up at the Alpha Rising for one of the guys, and you and I see this quite often, is this idea of needing validation from women.
Mark: Isn’t it an interesting one? It’s like, um, you know, we create a relationship wherein we initially validate her because we’ve been chasing her and landing her, so to speak. And then a lot of guys forget to romance and lead, and [00:02:00] then they end up in a position where they feel their needs are not being met and then look to their spouses for validation.
Doug: Yeah, um, also one of the guys I was talking to recently, we broke it down. The scenario was he would come to his partner, right, trying to make sure, “Am I a good husband? Am I a good father? Am I a good man?” Now, he wasn’t thinking about this at the forefront of his mind, but that’s what he was doing.
Mark: Yeah.
Doug: And then we delved a little bit deeper, Mark. He realized he was doing this before the marriage by dating different women, trying to seek, “Am I good enough?” And I go, “Well, think about now. Do you do this at work?” He’s like, “Oh my gosh, I do. I do this with,”—I’m making up the names—”Sally in operations. I do this with Susie, you know, that’s over in sales.” And it’s kind of this idea of being the good boy and getting the cookie, so to speak, or the award for being good. But it doesn’t have to be about being good. It’s just about getting validation and attention from women.
Mark: Well, this could go [00:03:00] a number of ways, couldn’t it? A lot of guys are brought up primarily by their mothers. Their fathers are at work or absent or from divorced families, and so they’ve only had validation from women—moms, sisters in many cases. Um, the other aspect is that, um, you know, when it comes to women being—what can we call it?—the antithesis to the masculine, you know, it’s like the opposite energy. So I think what happens for a lot of guys is it’s around, um, being in their heads and being in a masculine environment. There’s a lack, there’s a need to fill the cup from feminine energy.
Doug: Yeah. I definitely think that if we go back to, for a second, the idea of the mom, right? And even if the dad was around—like, if you think generationally, a lot of the older generations, we look back, um, communication of feelings wasn’t a thing.
I wasn’t brought up to be encouraged [00:04:00] to communicate my feelings in a deep way. Um, and I was raised by my dad, had two brothers, as you know, um, that were much older than me. So, to me, you just didn’t stop and do that. I was told I was loved, but the, the, the feminine—to your point, the mother—is much more nurturing.
Mark: Yeah.
Doug: And I think what happens—in fact, I just got, before we recorded this, I was on somebody else’s show, and they were interviewing me. And off camera—I don’t want to give anything away for this gentleman—but off camera, the guy was sharing with me, we were talking about validation, this idea of seeking this validation from women, from the feminine.
And really trying to go, “Hey, am I good enough?” You know, when we aren’t sure of ourselves as grounded men on who we are, who we are to the core essence, the good and the bad—you’ve got to accept both of those things—when you don’t accept both of those, you open yourself up for a need for an outside influence or person to tell you who you are and if you’re doing good in the [00:05:00] world. And oftentimes, men select women.
Mark: So what you’re saying is that unless we purely and truthfully accept ourselves as we are, we’re going to be looking to women, sports, money, whatever, for validation.
Doug: Absolutely.
Doug: Absolutely. I would say most men—this is going to sound weird, and I’m trying to think of how I would receive this as a listener—but I think most men don’t know who they really are. They haven’t taken the time to be with themselves in solitude to do the work. And I’m not saying anybody—maybe nobody—ever truly knows who they are, but certainly, someone like yourself has peeled back that onion time and time and time again. You get closer to the core.
Mark: Yeah.
Doug: And when you get there, you get into something that we call grounded masculinity. Right? You’re grounded in your masculine, and you know who you are. And so if I were to go to you, Mark, and say, “Well, Mark, you’re a lousy husband,” you would just laugh, right? Because you know you’re a great husband. Are you perfect? I don’t know. Probably not.
Mark: Definitely not.
Doug: I’m not either. But it doesn’t affect you because you don’t need validation in that area of your life because you know you’re at peace with where you are. It doesn’t mean you’re not trying to get better in an area, but you’re not seeking outside validation from your partner or anybody else to complete you.
Mark: I think part of the problem is some men don’t know themselves.
Doug: So…
Mark: They’re looking for feedback, something to bounce off of, and as a reflection of what they’re putting out there in the world. And they choose women for a lot of reasons. One, it tends to be safer. Right. And in theory, right. It feels good, right?
Doug: Yeah.
Mark: Well, when validating you, there’s nothing wrong with that if it’s positive validation.
Doug: Correct. Correct.
Mark: I think a lot of guys get negative ones too, right?
Doug: Um, and so I think that guys pick women because it feels better, it’s safer. And that’s what they’re used to. They’re looking for, “Hey, am I doing a good job?”
Mark: Yeah. And you said it—peeling back the layers and getting to know ourselves can be a lengthy journey. My experience has been quite [00:07:00] a few years. So, what can the guys do who haven’t peeled the layers yet, but still want the wins in terms of validation?
My answer to that question would be around skill drills. One of the practices we have at TPM is the Hidden Motives Standard. No. Is. Engage. Indifference. So being willing to engage, open our hearts, being willing to surrender some of our protective layers to see what happens. A lot of guys resist that because of, “Well, I’m fearful of getting hurt, but I want the validation, but I’m closing myself off.” So there’s a challenge there. They can’t get the validation because they’re shut, and they’re getting negative, right, validation. You called it—we call them safety tests.
So there’s that situation where if I keep practicing engaged indifference—so I’m indifferent to the fact that you can hurt me or allow that to happen and don’t take it personally and still remain engaged—that can be a really great practice for getting into a situation where there is some validation from a woman and potentially, over time, less need for it.
Doug: That’s so very true.
When you think about engaged indifference, what I’m wondering as a listener—we hear this all the time—do guys know how to get into their hearts to be vulnerable?
Mark: Just had that on an Activation Group call. So what I had one of the guys do was put both of his hands on his heart and just close his eyes and breathe. And imagine as he breathes, that he can breathe into his heart as you would with your lungs. So he breathes in and expands his heart to get in touch with that.
Because most guys that I work with initially don’t even know—the one guy had trouble even finding his heartbeat. I go straight there. I know where my heart is. I can feel it before I put my hands there. Lots of guys aren’t even aware of the heart beating [00:09:00] in their chest.
Doug: Now, there’s that old adage, “The longest journey a man takes is the six inches between his head and his heart.”
Mark: Yeah.
Doug: You know, the quickest thing I could tell a guy to do—and this is not self-serving—is go to an Alpha Reset.
Mark: Oh, yeah.
Doug: I mean, that’ll just rip you open right away. It’s a very transformational experience. There’s a reason we have hundreds of testimonials on the Alpha Reset—guys saying the same thing. Yet, guys don’t talk about the actual process because they become so—I want to use the word sacred, but it’s kind of what it is.
Mark: Yeah.
Doug: And guys come out of there not needing validation from their wives or their spouses because the validation now lies within themselves. And when you can get to that point where you can look the man in the eyes that’s in the mirror staring back at you, and you feel good about him, right? It doesn’t mean—again, I want to make sure guys understand—it doesn’t mean he’s perfect.
Mark: No.
Doug: Right. But he is perfectly imperfect in his journey. You no longer have to start [00:10:00] chasing your wife to make sure everything’s okay: “Are you okay, honey? Is everything okay? Are you happy? Are you not happy? Am I being good? Am I doing the right things?” Or trying to get a body count by sleeping with a lot of women.
Mark: Yep.
Doug: Just so you can validate yourself. Now, I get it, there are guys out there that are doing that because it’s fun for them. But a lot of guys will use that as an excuse because really what they’re seeking is, “Am I good enough?”
Mark: Yeah.
Doug: It’s an incredible and very deep subject, isn’t it? Because it goes into the psyche and the psychology.
Mark: Yeah, it really does. What I got out of what you just said is that if I can find—or if our clients can find—a way, as men, to discover, “I am actually good enough, regardless of what anybody else says or does around me,” getting to that point of groundedness gives such a huge boost to confidence.
And I think a lot of guys create a disconnect in their minds between confidence and arrogance. They’ve been told—potentially having been brought up, you know, maybe by older brothers, maybe even by a guy earlier today—”Mom used to criticize me and have me playing small, essentially. So if I’m not good enough for Mom, then I have to prove I’m good enough for my wife.”
And so, they don’t grow up with a concept of, “I’m good enough exactly as I am. Therefore, I don’t have to prove anything.”
Doug: You said talk about groundedness. Talk to us a little bit about what it looks like for a man to be grounded.
Mark: Interesting question because you said, “What does it look like?” I could stand up and give you a demo.
Doug: I agree, and I think you are a great example of a grounded man. Thank you. So, if you were to describe what it does look like for a man to be grounded—not just from a visual standpoint but what it feels like for that person—I could just picture my old self, right? Well, Doug 1.0 out there listening, going, “Okay, this makes sense, guys, but grounded? Like, what the heck are they talking about? I don’t know what grounded means. Stop using this lingo.” Like, you know, what does it mean? Maybe ask it differently: What does grounded mean to you?
Mark: I’ll answer that question using an anecdote.
So, when I’m working on something new—new process, something I’m not sure of, new relationship, whatever it happens to be—what will typically happen is that I’ll want to get it right because of my relationship with my father, quite frankly, right? This came from school: you’ve got to get it right.
Doug: Yeah.
Mark: And then, as a consequence of that, I’m in my head. So I’m not grounded because I’m connected to thinking about what needs to happen, what isn’t happening, where’s the gap, what’s the next process, where do I fit into the process, etc., etc. So I’m not grounded because essentially it ends up being “headless chicken” energy.
Doug: Yeah.
Mark: Uncertainty. Looking for validation. “Where next? Where do I belong? Where do I stand?” All of those things.
Whereas now, for example, when I’m running an Alpha Reset—I’ve run many Alpha Resets with you—I’ve moved past that “headless chicken,” “Oh, this is all new. How do I get it right?” mindset to, “I trust the process. I know it will be imperfect. I know I will always give it my best. And I know I’m the right man for the job.”
So knowing those things gives me the confidence to be grounded. And the practice I use to be grounded is the universal breath, right? What we came into the world with—breathing deeply.
I’ve found, Doug, with breathwork—and we’ve done amazing breathwork in TPM, and I love your breathwork at Alpha Rising—we had another experience. I’ve been able to breathe deeper. When I watch my father, he breathes shallow into his chest. I’ve had him breathe into his stomach, and it’s like a new thing for him. And he’s like, “You know, that doesn’t feel natural.” But guess what? When he breathes into his lower belly, when he breathes into his whole body, he becomes, sounds, and feels more grounded.
Doug: So, yeah, I want to relate back what I’m hearing from you and what I see in you, if I can.
What I find is when you are authentically Mark, and you feel really comfortable with yourself—which I think you feel maybe 99% of the time; I’m sure there’s a percentage where you don’t—and you do what you say, you just trust the process. You get into a flow state.
And grounded, to me, means you’re rooted. You imagine your feet have roots—visualize right now—and people can’t push you over emotionally or psychologically because [00:15:00] you’re so stable within who you are. And you’re bringing that into what you do to serve the men or what you’re doing at home.
You know, we all have different shades of ourselves, right? The jokester, the comedian, the serious guy, all of those things. And when you’re grounded, you can allow all those colors of the palette to come out without feeling anxious, needy, or vulnerable. I mean, you still feel vulnerability in that state, but you feel secure vulnerability. If that makes any sense.
Mark: Yeah, I love that. The vulnerability I feel from a grounded state is openness and loving willingness. Because the roots allow me to go there and be flexible. Whereas, if I’m ungrounded and feel vulnerable, it feels like an attack.
Doug: Yes.
Mark: And I think that’s what happens with a lot of guys. They go, “If I’m vulnerable, I’m being attacked. I could get hurt. It knocks me over. And then I’m afraid of my anger or response because I’m going to act out or run away. I’m going to yell. I’m going to [00:16:00] be ashamed or whatever.” So the rooted groundedness that we see in a lot of guys in the Brotherhood is a huge key factor to not having to seek externally for validation.
Doug: Yeah, that’s so true. You just brought up something for me.
So, the Alpha Reset—for those that are new to the show—it’s a four-day transformational experience, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I absolutely love it. And guys, if you’re interested, you going won’t change my life, but it will definitely change yours.
And during that, I would say at the beginning, 50% of the men say they don’t trust other people. Yet at the end of that, 100% of the men have trust at different levels, right? And I think that’s part of what vulnerability and being grounded is.
Because when I’m not grounded, or I find myself shaken—I’m not in that state for whatever reason—trust issues can come up for me because I’m not trusting in myself, in my own stability.
Mark: Yeah.
Doug: When you are grounded—and I know we’re going slightly off topic, but that’s great—when you are grounded, it’s harder for someone to hurt you because you’re so secure within yourself.
Someone could physically hurt you. Someone could steal from you, theoretically. But it doesn’t seem to happen to guys when they’re in a grounded state.
Doug: They don’t become—first of all, they don’t think of themselves as a victim. Thus, they don’t become a victim, right? Or a perpetrator, for that matter. And so they’re out of that energy altogether. Which, as coaches, we have to go to a “vulnerable state” in order to empathize, relate, and get the guys through their processes. And if we’re not grounded, we run the risk of, one, everybody could tell, and two, we could also get emotionally hurt during a process or an exercise.
Mark: Yeah, so true. What would you say then, having had this conversation, are the key factors for men to know, realize, and potentially practice in order to not seek validation?
Doug: Yeah, okay. I’ve got a couple more hours for this one.
One of the big ones that’s coming up to me right now, Mark, is this: Realize you’re not as unique as you think you are. That’s one. We probably have more commonalities than not.
Mark: Yeah.
Doug: Two is you’re not as tricky as you think you are, and people can see past your mask.
Mark: I told the guys that very thing earlier today.
Doug: And it’s so funny because everybody thinks they’re pulling the wool over everybody else’s eyes. And you’re not, right? We can all see it, guys. Some of us can see it better than others, but we can all see it—or feel it—or something’s up. Sometimes people don’t pass the sniff test, or you’re having a gut check. There’s something not adding up.
So, that’s two. Once you’ve got that and you realize, “Well, crap. Everybody already knows this stuff I’m hiding about me,” you can stop hiding it.
One more thing I think is super important: Own that side of you. Own your imperfections. When you own your imperfections, one, people can’t use them against you. Two, you can’t use them against you. Three, when you take the darkness and you put it into the light, it dissipates much faster. You don’t have to hold onto it.
When you hold onto it and try to hide it, whatever you’re going through, it just clings to you more. It’s kind of like, “Don’t think about the pink elephant. Don’t think about any pink elephants. No pink elephants in your mind.” And now, mine even has an umbrella.
Mark: Of course it does. Pink elephant singing in the rain. Yeah. Thanks for that, Doug.
Doug: That’s a gift for you.
Mark: Yeah, thanks.
Doug: So, that’s what it is for me. And I think you talked about practices—you did talk about practices.
Mark: Yeah.
Doug: We teach the guys right away the Alpha Rise and Shine. A lot of guys will say, “Well, is that just a morning routine?” Yes and no. It’s a morning routine specifically designed for men who find themselves in this situation.
But we also have the Alpha Decompression, which doesn’t get talked about as much.
Mark: Yeah.
Doug: And so I think adding those two practices is a good way for a guy to stop seeking validation because he’ll start to get to know himself better.
Mark: That’s amazing. Like I said, this conversation can go anywhere—from psychology to physiology. The decompression is linked to groundedness, linked to not needing validation because of the groundedness. I think that’s an important one.
A lot of guys—including in a group this morning—said, “I was just decompressing to tick the box, to literally get my coil score—my chart of intentional living score—going in the right direction.” And it’s absolutely not about that. It’s about changing your state.
So, if you think about setting up for a job, it’s like setting up a boxing ring for a match. The ring has got to be solid. It’s got to have all the right pieces in place. The ropes have to have the right tension, all of that sort of stuff. Everything has to be set up right. The lighting, access, all of that stuff.
Doug: Hey guys, sorry to interrupt this episode, but the reality is, if you are watching or listening to this right now, then you are looking to better yourself, and I applaud you. You’re one of my people. And I want to give you the opportunity to take massive action.
So, if you haven’t joined The Activation Method yet, it’s our flagship program. Do what thousands of other businessmen just like you have done: take action. Be one of the one-percenters who actually does the work and takes action. There’ll be a link in the description that’ll take you right to a page with more information. There’s no obligation. Just go check it out and see if it’s a good fit for you. All right, let’s get back to this episode.
Mark: If that setup is right, and if the foundation is right, then there’s no need for concern about what people think or what will happen in the future because there’s that grounded state that comes from within.
Now, going back to what I said earlier about a lot of guys being brought up by women: a lot of what has happened—and why men need validation externally—is because they haven’t had that initial secure base of loving, connected, openly affectionate parents. If they felt safe with both Mom and Dad, they wouldn’t need validation externally.
But if one is missing—or one is missing and one is toxic, which happened with my children—I was absent, and my children’s mother was horrendous towards them in certain areas. In my judgment, that has left a gap.
So, they’ve had to work—and I’m still working with them—on creating their secure bases. So, it’s never too late. That’s the good news.
Doug: Oh, that’s great news.
Doug: Oh, that’s great news. I mean, we’ve had men come through the program in their late sixties, early seventies, who have found what they were looking for probably their entire life—or at least their adult life. So, it’s never too late.
To your point, as I’m listening to your story, I’m thinking—of course—about my own story, as we tend to do. And I’m thinking about some of the men recently that you and I have both worked with at the Alpha Rising and at other events. Some of these men have a deep desire to seek validation from the feminine.
When I look at that, it does come back—at least for three of the guys I’m thinking of—to a core issue in childhood with their mother. Something was missing—maybe alcoholism, maybe a mom who was going through a tough time. But as a kid, you don’t know that, you don’t get that.
I mean, it took me until I was 21 to realize my parents were just normal people doing the best they could.
Mark: Yeah.
Doug: And so, I think we have to go back and rewrite those stories, or at least investigate those stories from childhood. You know, the analogy I use is this: My kids are four and seven. So, the monster in the closet is very real to them, right?
And if they don’t have a logical answer, they’ll just start creating one. They’ll create a story, and if it’s not checked, so to speak, that story will just run as fact in the back of their mind. As they grow up, they’ll just continue believing it because we don’t go back and look at those old stories.
Mark: I think that’s a great segue into living without seeking validation externally, especially from women. There’s a huge amount of benefit in, whether it’s through journaling, feedback from other men, or accountability, getting mirror work done from the perspective of masculine feedback.
For instance, “What do you really think of me?” or “How am I doing in this particular scenario or situation?” That way, you’re getting feedback in a safe way—feedback from the masculine rather than looking for it from the feminine. That’s often what happens on our activation calls.
We had a guy this morning express something, and I said, “How many other guys feel this way?” And the whole room raised their hands. For the first time, he realized, “I’m not the only one who needs her,” because he was saying his wife happens to be away from home, and he couldn’t sleep because he wasn’t getting a message back from her. Then he goes into stories: “Is she okay? Is she whatever?”
My feedback to him was, “Write down what you feel. Why do you feel that way? Why do you need that validation? What does it do for you when you have that validation? And what could you validate yourself for? How can you create validation for yourself?”
So, again, hitting singles, practices, skill drills. What I’ve got him doing is waking up with gratitude and writing his gratitudes. Then, at the end of the day, he’s collecting his wins. At either end of the day, he’s recording the fact that, “I’m doing really well.” What I’m grateful for in the morning sets me up for not worrying or living in the future.
Doug: When you’re in a state of gratitude, you can’t have anxiety or worry. You just can’t. You can switch in and out of them quickly, but the more you practice, the more you rewire those neural pathways.
What you’re doing is rewiring his neural synapses so he’s in a state of gratitude and a state of winning.
Mark: Oh, you spotted that, did you?
Doug: I did! Which is amazing because now he’s going to win more and have a better life just doing those two things alone. So, excellent job.
Mark: The interesting thing is, he’s a great guy, and he’s doing an excellent job. He gets validation from the men. The one person he needed validation from—who wasn’t giving it to him—was his wife because she’s away, and he’s worried about her. In that situation, it’s even more important for him to connect with other men and get into that place of not being in his head and lone-wolfing, but actually connecting and getting some real-time feedback.
Doug: Iron sharpens iron. There’s a reason they say that. And yet so many men shy away from being in a group of powerful men working together.
When we say powerful, it’s interesting—I was trying to clarify this in the last podcast I was on—we’re talking about inner power, guys. The power that comes from inside of you. It’s not a beat-your-chest type of environment that we foster here. You can leave that at home—or just throw it away.
One thing that came to me when we were talking about this: Let’s say you’ve got this guy you’re working with. My guess is there’s also the worry, “Is she cheating on me?”
So, how does a guy who goes to that space find validation versus creating the story? You kind of used them interchangeably, so I want to see if there’s a delineation between those, or do you see them as the same thing?
Mark: Oh, I see. Okay. I think they’re part of the same thing. Don’t you?
Doug: Yeah, as you said that, it got me thinking, “Okay, where is he needing the validation?” I guess if he felt very secure in the relationship or very secure in himself, he probably wouldn’t need to know what his wife was doing. He’d probably think, “Well, if she’s cheating, she’s cheating, and the relationship is over. It is what it is,” rather than worrying about it.
Mark: Well, that goes back to having a secure base—those roots and that groundedness. As much as it can be painful and difficult—and I’ve been through a divorce, which was painful and difficult—I’m glad to be out of the marriage, but the divorce was difficult. The experience of being more grounded in myself, being more certain of where I’m going, and knowing that I’ve got others around me who I can trust for perspective allows me to be like seaweed.
You know, seaweed has roots in the ocean, and the waves do this, and the seaweed just goes along with it. It doesn’t get broken. It just stays there. I think that’s really important for men—to be self-reliant. It’s a wonderful journey to go on.
Mark: It’s a wonderful journey to go on, right? So, I can’t be knocked off. I was taught when I was doing judo as a kid—there’s a certain stance: if you stand up straight with your legs together, anybody can push you over. But if you bend your knees slightly and widen your stance, you’re flexible at your hips, and no one can push you over.
It’s the same thing emotionally and energetically. How, in a relationship, do you create that stability and flexibility at the same time? It’s through doing the work. But I don’t think there’s a shortcut.
Doug: There isn’t. Yeah, I agree with you 100%.
I was just thinking about the validation point—seeking validation from women in that instance. If you weren’t grounded, your mind would probably go to, “Oh, she’s gone. She’s away. She’s not reaching out to me. She’s probably sleeping with some guy,” or, “She’s with a coworker,” or whatever story may build up.
And then, to your point, coming full circle back to this topic of needing validation from women—when you’ve got your validation internally, those worries just dissipate and go away altogether.
I know there was a point in my marriage and relationship where I was deeply doing the work, and I got to a place where—because I used to be that guy who worried, “Where is she? Why isn’t she getting back to me? What’s she doing? What’s going on?”—I started creating stories.
And those stories never get better. At two in the morning, the stories only get worse. They stack, more and more and more. But when I truly felt secure in myself—like, who I am—not the macho version, but the internal security of who I am, that’s when it changed.
It’s kind of like engaged indifference. It’s not that you don’t care anymore what happens—you care deeply—but the thought process becomes, “She’s her own person. She’ll do what she’s going to do. I hope it doesn’t happen, but it’s her choice. And there’s nothing I can do about that.” And then I’d feel at complete peace.
Mark: Yeah.
Doug: Because it’s kind of like, “What will be, will be. I’m on my path.”
Mark: Yeah. What I’ve used with my daughter recently is the concept of the circle of influence and the circle of concern. My circle of influence is here—these are the things I can affect directly. I can do things to make a change or improve my life or help somebody else in this circle.
The circle of concern is things like the U.S. elections. I may be interested or concerned. There may be an impact, but I can’t cast a vote to change the outcome. I can’t directly change the water systems in India to make them healthier.
So, how do I focus on my circle of influence? I can focus on my health, my mindset, my beliefs, my relationships, my agreements. Taking care of all those things tends to have a ripple effect outward anyway. The feedback and validation come without forcing it because I don’t need it—it comes because I’m taking care of myself.
It’s a strange, counterintuitive thing, isn’t it? Guys ask, “If I work on myself, is that selfish?” I had a guy recently leave the program because he couldn’t handle the feedback he was getting from his wife and family. His wife even co-opted family members to say, “You’re abandoning your family by working on yourself,” and he caved.
Doug: Wow.
Mark: He admitted to me, “I know this is the wrong thing, but I just don’t see a way around it.”
And it’s terrifying for me because I can see exactly where he is, the path he’s on, how he’s going to make things worse. He’s just thrown in the towel. He even told his wife, “What you’re going to get is more of the same me—not a better version of me. As long as you’re happy with that…”
Doug: That’s heartbreaking.
Mark: It is. And I told him, “The children will mimic this.” That’s what terrifies me. The children will see this pattern and carry it forward.
Doug: The children will mimic it. That’s what scares me the most.
When I think of validation, what I think of is: If I’m seeking validation from you—let’s say in the area of being a good coach—what I’m effectively saying is, “Mark, your view of me as a coach is greater and more important than my own view of me.” I’m giving you the power.
I’m saying, “Here’s my power. Now, whatever you think of me, I’ll just take that and put it on myself.” We do the same thing with women—“Am I good in bed? Am I a good provider? Am I good here?” You’re really just saying to the other person, “Your view of me is better than my view of myself.” That’s not being grounded at all.
And the irony is, men seek validation from women to get their attention. But when you stop seeking validation from women, women become more attracted to you. It’s the weirdest thing—the exact opposite of what you think would work. But you become more attractive because you’re now a safer, more stable man. And to women, that’s sexy.
Mark: Mhm. I know it is.
Doug: I know you do. I’m not speaking to you—I’m speaking through you.
Mark: That’s a really important point: knowing your value as a man, as a provider. If you were to do a pros and cons list on yourself—talking to the guys now—what are the aspects of you that add value? What are your traits that assist your family, your relationship, your business, your parenting? How do you stack up?
And, where are the gaps? What are the areas you need to work on? If you’re finding it’s 80/20—80% positive, 20% negative—why are you focusing on the 20%?
Doug: Well, that’s what you’re having this gentleman do at night, right? Stacking his wins. That’s going to help him become more grounded and not need validation from others. Once he sees how many wins he has—look, the guys we work with are mostly business guys.
We’re great at finding what’s wrong in our businesses so we can fix it. We do the same thing with ourselves. Instead of doing that, focus on what’s right about yourself. Be open—nobody here is perfect. We all have things to work on.
When you bring those things to light, it’s easier. Especially when it comes to seeking validation from women. Women find it so sexy when a man is grounded and can actually be vulnerable—not the victim-type vulnerability, but the strong kind.
Doug: Women find it so sexy when a man is grounded and can actually be vulnerable—not the victim-type vulnerability, but the strong kind. The kind where you can say, “You know, my whole life I’ve been seeking validation from women. For some reason, I’m just now realizing it, and I’m on a journey to figure it out.” If you told that to a woman in a grounded way, it would be one of the sexiest things possible.
Mark: I have a confession to make. My wife has seen me in tears more than anyone else on this planet.
Doug: I believe it.
Mark: Because I trust her completely. I got to a point where I realized I was holding back, and she was pushing me hard—because she’s who she is. I call her my dragon. She pushed me hard until I eventually thought, “I can keep resisting, making excuses, or defending myself, or I can just let go and let her in.”
And I’m so glad I did. I’m so glad that I let her in because she knows everything about me—warts and all. She knows my failures, my flaws, all of it.
Doug: Yeah.
Mark: And most guys are scared of that. I was scared to death of it. But like I said, I’m so glad I did because at the end of it, all she did was accept me more.
Doug: That’s incredible.
Mark: It really is.
Doug: It reminds me of that final rap battle in 8 Mile. Eminem’s character gets up there and just says everything about himself—all the things his opponent could use against him. Then his opponent has nothing left to say.
Mark: Exactly.
Doug: We can do that with our partner. When you do it in a respectful way—sharing parts of yourself, not dumping your garbage on them—they respect you more.
What you did with Bonnie—your wife—you said, “Here’s where I’ve failed. Here are my misgivings.” My guess is very little of it surprised her. Maybe some of the details, but she probably already knew. Now, because you’ve let her in, you’re truly on a journey together.
Mark: Exactly. That’s what every guy wants: a true partnership.
Doug: Right. That’s why they call it a partnership.
Mark: You said something earlier that’s perfectly timed. In order to create a true partnership, she has to feel like a queen. For her to feel like a queen, she has to be trusted. And for her to be trusted, she has to know that she has access to your heart—your emotions, and who you really are.
When she knows that, she’ll show up in ways you never dreamed of. I’ve had guys write clean slate letters to their wives and get feedback they didn’t expect. The wives will say, “Finally, I can put this behind me because he’s acknowledged all the things I’ve been saying for years. Now I can drop it.”
Doug: Yeah. I mean, that’s what’s crazy. You’ve seen it even more than I have in The Activation Method. Guys whose wives have filed for divorce turn it around by doing this work—clean slate letters, stopping the need for validation, and finding it within themselves.
Suddenly, they’re having more intimacy than ever before. Some even remarry their wives as a symbolic second chance—what I call Marriage 2.0.
I even got a phone call from one of the wives of a guy in the program. She was direct. She said, “I just want him to be a man.”
Mark: Wow.
Doug: This guy was a masculine, tough guy, so at first, I thought, “What does she mean?” But she clarified, “When he walks in the door, I can feel his energy. He’s looking for validation from me—checking the energy of the house, trying to make me happy. I wish he’d just be himself. Just be a man.”
It hit me hard. She wanted her husband to stop seeking validation, to stop trying to control the energy of the room. She wanted him to be grounded and secure in himself.
Mark: That’s so powerful. She was saying, “I want to feel safe in his presence.”
Doug: Exactly. And here’s the thing: women don’t feel safe when we’re seeking validation from them.
Mark: Not only that, but they also feel burdened.
Doug: That’s a great point. When you’re constantly seeking validation from your wife, she has to carry you energetically. You’re asking her to hold your emotional weight, which is exhausting for her.
When you’re grounded and take care of yourself, you lighten her load. She can trust that you’re okay, and she doesn’t have to worry about carrying you. That allows her to relax, and it creates space for her to appreciate you.
Mark: And when she feels that space, she can truly see you. She’s not focused on the negative energy you’re bringing. Instead, she can focus on your positive traits. That’s when the validation you were looking for naturally comes to you.
Doug: Right. And ironically, when you stop needing validation, it starts showing up. It’s like this beautiful feedback loop.
Mark: Exactly. And it ties back to what you were saying earlier about men finding their value and owning it. When a man knows his value, he doesn’t need constant reassurance.
Doug: It’s such a game-changer. And here’s the thing—guys, if you’re listening, when you stop needing validation, you not only make your relationship better, but you also become more attractive, not just to your wife, but to everyone. People want to be around someone who’s grounded, someone who knows who they are. It’s a magnetism that can’t be faked.
Mark: Absolutely. And knowing your value as a man extends beyond your relationship. It’s in how you show up in the world, in your business, your friendships, your community. When you know your value, you don’t just survive—you thrive.
Doug: Exactly. And you said something earlier that I think is worth repeating: when a man creates that internal stability, it allows him to be flexible, to bend but not break. That’s what it means to be truly grounded.
You know, the ironic thing is that women want you to be vulnerable, but they don’t want you to be weak. They want you to open your heart to them, but they don’t want you to collapse into them. That’s a fine line, and it’s one that a lot of guys miss.
Mark: Vulnerability from a grounded state is strength. It’s saying, “This is who I am. These are my flaws. These are my strengths. And I’m okay with that.” It’s not about seeking pity or approval—it’s about being real.
Doug: Yes! And when you’re real, when you’re authentic, the relationship transforms. Women respond to that. It’s what they’ve been waiting for.
Mark: It really is. And that’s why the work we do is so important. Helping men get to this place isn’t just about improving their relationships—it’s about improving their lives. It’s about creating a ripple effect that impacts their kids, their businesses, their communities.
Doug: 100%. And for the guys listening, if you’re wondering where to start, let’s break it down into some actionable steps. Mark, what are one or two things these guys can do immediately if they find themselves being needy or seeking validation?
Mark: First, journal. Start with the question: Who am I, really? Go deep. Look at yourself, not just now, but throughout your life. Who were you as a kid? What were your natural traits? What makes you you? When you start to uncover that, you may find there’s already enough evidence that you’re good enough.
Second, start being vulnerable. Open up to your partner. Share your thoughts, your feelings, your fears. Not in a dumping way, but in a way that says, “Here’s who I am, and I trust you with it.”
Doug: Those are fantastic. I’ll add two more. First, do something for yourself—something that fills your cup. It could be exercise, a hobby, meditation, whatever. Just make sure it’s something that feeds your soul and makes you happy.
Second, ask yourself: What am I really looking for when I seek validation? Is it to prove you’re a good husband, father, or provider? Once you identify the root cause, you can start addressing it within yourself.
Mark: That’s brilliant. And if I could add one more, it would be to connect with other men. Find a group of men who will give you honest feedback and hold you accountable. There’s something powerful about being in a room with men who have no agenda other than to help you become your best self.
Doug: Absolutely. That’s why TPM exists. It’s a place where men can do this work, surrounded by other men who are on the same journey. There’s no judgment, no pretense—just support and growth.
Mark: That’s what makes it so special. And for the guys listening, remember: this is a journey. There’s no quick fix. But the work is worth it.
Doug: It is. And the rewards are life-changing. Not just for you, but for everyone around you. When you become the best version of yourself, you inspire others to do the same.
Mark: Exactly. And when you stop seeking validation externally, you find something even more powerful: inner peace.
Doug: Inner peace. That’s what it’s all about. Mark, thank you so much for being here today. Your insights, as always, are invaluable.
Mark: Thank you, Doug. It’s always a pleasure.
Doug: Gentlemen, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Don’t just listen to this episode and nod along—do something with it. Start journaling, connect with other men, take the first step. Whatever it is, take action.
And if you’re ready to dive deeper, join us at The Powerful Man. We’d love to have you as part of our tribe. Go to thepowerfulman.com to learn more.
Until next time, live powerfully, and we’ll see you soon.
