Episode #855
In this episode, titled “Breaking the Cycle – Understanding and Healing the Root of Repeating Patterns,” we explore why so many men find themselves stuck in a loop of relationship challenges and how they can break free.
Doug Holt and Tim Matthews will uncover the core reasons behind recurring issues in marriages, particularly for high-achieving men. They’ll share personal stories and proven strategies to help you understand the underlying patterns that keep you and your wife disconnected. Learn how to heal from past wounds, re-establish trust, and create a lasting, passionate connection with your partner.
Join us for an insightful conversation that goes beyond surface-level advice. This episode is packed with practical tips and heartfelt advice to empower you to take charge of your marriage and your life. Whether you’re struggling with communication, intimacy, or emotional distance, this episode will provide the tools you need to start making positive changes today.
Tune in, take notes, and begin your journey towards a more fulfilling and harmonious marriage. Don’t miss this chance to break the cycle and rediscover the love and respect you deserve.
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Transcription
Tim Matthews 0:00
Things could be good for a few weeks, a few months, and all of a sudden out of nowhere, they run out of willpower and something happens and the same pattern then repeats, but I
Doug Holt 0:11
want to get the weeds out, I have to go to the root of them, pull them out by the root fully and completely. And then and only then will they not come back. So
Tim Matthews 0:19
you’re aware of a pattern you’re aware of that doesn’t serve you, you’ve been able to get to the root of it, and you’ve been able to release it, you then become in a position where you’re able to then begin regulating your emotions on a much more regular basis.
Doug Holt 0:44
Gentlemen, welcome to another episode of the TPM show. Have you ever been wondering why you repeat the same patterns over and over again, even though you may not want to, either in business, your personal life, relationships, etc? Well, today Tim and I are going to go over the reasons why we continue to repeat the same patterns and ways to get out of those loops. So you can actually break through that cycle and actually get what you want. Tim, thanks for being here, brother.
Tim Matthews 1:12
It’s a pleasure. Thank you.
Doug Holt 1:14
Yes, it is. Absolutely love having me on the show and back in the saddle. And this topic in particular is one that I’m very passionate about, as you know, I call it unconscious commitments. But why is it that men are we as individuals repeat the same patterns over and over again, even if we know the wrong?
Tim Matthews 1:32
Yeah, I think there’s two main things that stand out to me. And I will dive into more as we go through here. But two things, one, is the idea of trauma. I think there’s such a stigma around that word. And so, so loaded, as well.
Doug Holt 1:50
Yeah, I think it gets misused quite a bit 100%.
Tim Matthews 1:52
And the men we work with that resonate with the idea, ladies have been through in their life. So I think that keeps them distanced and keeps a lot of people distanced from certain things they could do in order to get to the root cause of why a pattern is occurring. And as a result, oftentimes, the men we work with, then don’t ever get to the root cause and just deal with the symptom. And the symptom just keeps on repeating and repeating. And things could be good for a few weeks, a few months, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, they run out of willpower, and something happens and the same pattern then repeats. And it usually then causes harm to them to the people that love be a work better harm. And it’s discouraging, and deflating because of just you so much effort and energy to try and change this time. And this time was going to be the time and they can just run off her up over time as well. But this is why we design the Alpha Reset, right? It’s been designed to get to the root cause of things for men, so that they can actually deal with the root instead of the symptom, a MC a lasting change.
Doug Holt 3:04
Yeah, for those guys that aren’t aware, the alpha resets, one of our is our flagship transformational experience that happens over four days. It’s really an amazing experience. It allows men to get to the root cause of a lot of issues. Not only get to the root cause but dig it out, should they want to, and get rid of it so they can move on.
Tim Matthews 3:22
Yeah, for sure. I think I know, because we designed it a big piece of the way it works. And the way it does, is because it’s not theory, right. So many people, so many men that we work with, have tried to solve an emotional problem using logic, right. And it can help to a degree, but that becomes a point where the only way through is through where you know, the end of the day, the body keeps a scar. Now we go through things in our lives, we have things that happen we all do as kids, even as teenagers and adults. And oftentimes, we don’t know how to deal with those. We don’t know how to interpret them, especially as kids when we’re young, we don’t know what the mean, you know, we’re looking at the world through a lens of what do I need to do to stay safe, loved and protected? Right. So for me, for example, the environment I was in was a very intimidating one. Now, my father was very scary for me to be around. I never knew which version of him I was gonna get. It was very unpredictable. It could be very aggressive to me to my mum, you know, so much so my sister moved out when she was 14, I think. So for me, what I then learned to do in order to stay safe, loved and protected, was to be quiet, to kind of fly under the radar to go in my room, you know, all these different things. And one of the things I used to do, you’ll either know this or Do you love it? In order to feel in control, I would go into my bedroom, and I would organize it. And I just sit in it. Because I then felt safe in that environment. And that violent was then in my control. But the point is, for a long time, I didn’t know that that was even affecting me. Until, you know, mid 20s, mid 20s, mid to late 20s. And I realized, although things were good on the outside, life was good. I was doing well, I didn’t feel that way. And I was repeating patterns. But I was doing all the things that I thought I should do. You know, driving from meeting to meeting just listening to was an audio CD back in those days. Tony Robbins and all the others kind of turning my Kayo into those mobile universities, right. And trying harder, working harder, do more hours, just trying to do more motivation, really. I didn’t need more motivation. I didn’t need more persistence. I was gonna just get me more of what I got, which was repeating pants. I need a better insight. Why you smirking as a couple of things.
Doug Holt 6:20
Because we’re such good friends. I’m happy to share with you but yeah, go for it. I was just the I was laughing because I’ve gotten to know you so well. Really well. You were talking about how as a kid in order to feel safe, you become quiet. And under the radar, which is the opposite of how you are now. Right? I was also laughing because some of the men were talking about how meeting me in person. I sound so slow, because they listened to the show two acts. I was just thinking I can’t do that now.
Tim Matthews 6:52
That’s great. But yeah, what about you repeating pawns? Like,
Doug Holt 6:57
yeah, the way I look at this, and the way I coach it, the way I look at my own life, is if there’s something that’s not working well in my life, or working as well as I’d like it to, I say hey, is this a pattern? You know? And it’s happened more than twice, right? Is it a pattern? Yes or no? The answer is yes. Then I go into the second question, does it serve me to my highest level? If the answer is no, then I move on to the next. If it’s yes, then I go cool. Keep doing that pattern? If it’s no, then I go to the next question. Okay, like, you know, if it doesn’t serve me to my highest level, and it’s a pattern, then I go into a whole program that I call unconscious commitments, breaking through those and figure it out, the first thing that I was recognized, is it a pattern? And does it serve you to your highest level or not? And if the answer is no, then you got to go down and pull out the weeds because, because my philosophy is, then you’re committing to this consciously or unconsciously. And I know a lot of guys are go what I don’t, I don’t commit to this, if whatever it is they’re doing, if they’re overeating, or if they’re, the wife is consistently belittling them, or whatever it may be, of they’re broke, you are committed to being broke, you are committed to being on what you’re committed to drinking too much, or committed to working too much, consciously or unconsciously. And if you’re not consciously committed to it, then you’ve got a program running within your psyche, right? That is telling you to do this to keep you safe. Because you haven’t filled your cup, whatever it is, it is occurring for that reason. And you have it unless you get to the root cause it’s just like weeding a garden, right. So if I go out to run 106 acre property right now, and there’s a lot of weeds, so to speak, now I can go mow over them, or I could even you know, just trim the top of them, and it’s going to look fine, people aren’t gonna really notice the weeds, but they’re gonna go back, the pattern is going to continue. And if I want to get the weeds out, I have to go to the root of them, pull them out by the root fully and completely. And then and only then will they not come back and it takes more work, it’s a lot harder to dig up those roots. It’s the same thing with these patterns, it’s harder to get to the root of it. And I don’t think you can get to the root of it purely through theory to your point earlier, you said logic but to me it’s theory. It needs to be somewhat experiential
Tim Matthews 9:20
100% Even talking therapists or talking therapies are not going to really get to the can help in alleviating some of the symptoms. And you can feel better and you can understand yourself better and get better perspective. There’s a lot of science now as well really backing up the idea that what you think in your mind you feel in the body? Yeah. Now the body keeps the scar I believe it on Yeah. So you know, let’s say as a kid, so I went through an experience a few years ago. I’ve told you about this. It was when I was living in Florence, Italy. Now first I had to get into bioenergetics I went to do a session with the guy I was working with. And it was essentially a session where he was gonna get me to access a lot of anger. And I knelt down in front of this big kind of sponge. Box, if you will, they took me through this process. And I went crazy. But the memory that came up, I had never not followed by my entire life. And basically, it was a memory of me as a child. Seven years old ish. In bed, bedroom door closed, I could hear across across the hallway, something happening in my mom and dad’s bedroom, almost crying, she was saying certain things was noises from my dad. And in this session, I lived out by experience. And I was just screaming, shouting, calling a dad. All sorts of names, not very good ones are very nice ones. And just imagining walking across that hallway, opening the door, ragging him off, and just be in the shitter of him, quite honestly, as a kid, obviously, nothing ever happened. As a kid, I stayed in the bed, and I felt very helpless. And I felt frozen. And I can remember just laying in that bed really wanting to do something, but just not. And again, like I said, not that memory hadn’t crossed my mind, at what naval wants. Point is I’d stay trapped in my body, that feeling of freeze, right fight flight or freeze.
That feeling of anger, that feeling of frustration, I’m gonna give it an outlet, I got to the root of some of the stuff for me, and how I felt night and day difference. I couldn’t speak for about two days. Because it just my voice and the levels with which a showerhead and it was insane. But it was incredibly cathartic. Now I’ve been aware of certain belief systems that formed as a child, because of the environment I was in and how I looked at that environment. So become aware of how I had then started to have feelings of inadequacy and not being enough and not being good enough. And that’s what was coming up in my mid to late 20s and causing these repeating patterns. But even despite understanding that becoming aware of them, theoretically, it wasn’t until I combine that with really given them the physical piece and outlet for the emotion to actually be expressed. As a kid. I felt anger, but the anger was never expressed. I think as men, we feel a lot of emotions, right. And we don’t ever get chance to express them. You know, if we’re crale It’s wrong, don’t cry, if you’re angry, don’t be intimidated. And if you you’re happy, I don’t Don’t be arrogant, you know, Saiga so what, who am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be? How am I supposed to be? So yeah, there’s a lot of science emerging about the role of what you think in your mind you feel in the body. And you’re going to keep repeating patterns, until you give yourself the opportunity to get to the root of it, and give that emotion an outlet to be expressed in the form that it ought to be expressed and wants to be expressed. Yeah,
Doug Holt 13:43
no, I’m with you. 100%. I’ve seen this 1000 times, you know, and even before when I was in the fitness industry, I would see people release trauma or distress or whatever you want to call it. through different exercises. I remember a woman that worked for me. She was also getting her next level yoga. You know, basically certification, if you will, young girl, probably 21 or so. And she came into my studio with just tears in her eyes. And I was just like, Hey, what happened? And she was doing a backbend in yoga, which apparently happens a lot for that particular posture. And when she did the backbend, she kind of felt something snap, if you will, and then just released a ton of emotion for her to sobbing. She said she was sobbing uncontrollably for hours. Now, she wasn’t hurt, she wasn’t in pain, so that whatever snap or what have you is kind of like that Twitch, but it was whatever it was releasing inside of her. And you and I have seen countless men 1000s go through some of the exercises that we do with men on the experiential side of it, that where we see these guys come up with it and happened this last week. Say I haven’t thought about that. You know, since I was a kid, I haven’t thought about that and 10 years, because it’s not just childhood stuff. It’s stuff that we just stuffed down over time, and they haven’t thought of it. They didn’t know it was bothering them. But it bubbled to the surface, which tells us we use that term bubble up to the surface to denote something that’s stuffed down, right? People don’t think about that conversation while we use that vernacular. But it bubbled up the surface for them that all of a sudden, they’re like, Wow, I haven’t thought about that thing that happened when I was 10, or 13, or whatever it is. And 30 years, and then they start connecting the dots. Ah, and when that happened, this happened. I did that. And oh, this is why I do it now. Oh, and all of these things start connecting. And one thing I do think you can get to the root of things through talk therapy. I think that’s possible. That wouldn’t work for me, probably. But I don’t think you can relieve the root or the child see it. You can’t
Tim Matthews 15:51
pull it up. Yeah, you can become aware of it. But I haven’t
Doug Holt 15:56
seen it happen. So I don’t want to throw the baby out the bathwater, so to speak, because I’m sure it’s helped a lot of people. But but I just I don’t know anybody that it’s helped to that level. I think it helps people like okay, now I know what it is, and they can talk about it. But you really need to get to the core of the of the problem.
Tim Matthews 16:14
Yeah. And I think, kind of change in tact a little bit. For every guy wants to be grounded. Yeah. All right. And a big piece of being able to experience grounded masculinity, as we call it is the ability for a man to be able to regulate his emotions, right? And regulate your emotions doesn’t come from just keep stuffing them down, doesn’t come from just theorizing them. Hey,
Doug Holt 16:40
guys, I wanted to interrupt this episode, because it’s dawned on me that many of you guys aren’t aware that we actually have a book on how to save your marriage without talking about it. Now 1000s of men have read it and they’ve reviewed it. And I want to give you the opportunity to do the same. If you’re interested in grabbing it. It’s a short read. But it’s helped a lot of men just like you. And maybe you’re not interested in The Activation Method yet. But this is a small entry point that can really turn things around for you go over and Amazon we have it priced as cheap as Amazon will let us and that way you have a resource that you can use right now, to start getting some results in your marriage. Now let’s get back to the episode. And
Tim Matthews 17:17
the key is once you’re able to regulate them, so let’s say you’ve got to the route. So your whatever pattern you’re aware of, it doesn’t serve you, you’ve been able to get to the root of it, and you’ve been able to release it, you then become in a position where you’re able to then begin regulating your emotions on a much more regular basis. And in order for you to provide true presence to the people in your life, be it your wife, your kids, you staff, whoever they’re all going to feel you. And that’s going to be working for you or against you. Or let’s say you haven’t got to the root. And you’ve stuffing these things down, they’re going to feel that from you, they’re going to feel the distance they will feel from you is the distance exists within you. And the younger they’re gonna feel from you as younger that exists within you equally when you get to that route. And you’re able to release it, different emotions then begin to be experienced. Oftentimes, the guys talk to us about feeling incredibly peaceful, loving, happy at ease. And then all of a sudden, they walk into a room and everyone else is different. Well, it’s because you’re different, they’re responding to your energy and your wife, or even your kids is gonna have a huge impact, massive impact, you’ve got to recognize a pattern, and you’ve got to get to the root in order to actually get to the side. That’s
Doug Holt 18:42
absolutely true. So if a guy’s listening to this, Tim and he’s going, Okay, I could see a pattern or two in my life and all of us have him right. And he goes through that whole idea. Okay, there’s a pattern. Is it serving to my highest level? No. Okay. Now, maybe I buy into Doug’s theory that I’m committed to it. But that’s a hard pill to swallow. Because if something’s not going, well, it’s natural for people to play the victim card and blame outside circumstances. Well, it’s not my fault. My wife keeps cheating on me. It’s not my fault that they keep lying to me. It’s not my fault. I don’t make enough money. It’s not my fault. But the reality is, if it’s a pattern, you have to play a responsibility. And if it’s not serving to your highest level, how and why are you committed to it? Now, if they identify this? What what do you want them to do?
Tim Matthews 19:29
I want you to consider that if you keep on doing what you do any keep you’re going to keep on getting what you’ve got. Right? Cuz I think that’s so easy to overlook. And therefore guys can then rely on more motivation. Motivation is going to be the thing that’s going to get them through this. That’s oftentimes the thing that’s got them into this position, that require more motivation or more persistence require better insight. So therefore, seek some kind of professional help. doesn’t have to be with those doesn’t have to be the Alpha Reset, but do something that’s going to put you in a position where you are able to not only just talk about it, but release it. Right? There’s lots of different ways to do it. Obviously, we believe in The Alpha Reset 1000s of guys are going through by this point that huge advocates of it, we’ve never marketed it, it’s always the guys that encourage you the guys to go through it. Right. So that’s the first thing for sure, I recommend them doing seek professional support. Yeah,
Doug Holt 20:34
I think it’s interesting for guys, because a lot of men don’t know the origin story of, you know, TPM, and where we started, you know, 2020, we really focused on, you know, changing things and making sure you saw the biggest pain point guys are going through was in their marriage, the businessman we worked with during COVID. Yeah, we also have had for the past eight years, a version of The Activation Method, which is for self, which covers this. So it is a whole systematized methodology that helps men who are stuck, not sure what to do, maybe lost their passion and their mojo, go through a series of processes, that ends in the apex of an Alpha Reset, as well, coming through there. And, guys, if you’re interested in that, we don’t actually market that as well. Not because it’s not good, not because we don’t want men in it. It’s just we have so many guys coming through right now. But if you are interested, there will be a link in the description, just check that out in the show notes, so to speak. And you can get that but focusing on that part of self or the five territories self health, wealth, relationships and business, right? The self and relationships are the two one men struggle with the most. And that’s why we have at, you know, methodologies that are proven to help men through Astra through those, and once those two start working, right, the other ones seem to fall in order pretty quickly. Oh,
Tim Matthews 21:57
easily, easily one of the biggest pain points for the guys, because, you know, got to the self page, you’ve got these guys, oftentimes that have everything that they wanted monetarily materialistically, they’ve got everything. Yeah, they’ve got all these hallmarks of success, yet, they are unhappy. They are waiting for the rug to be pulled from beneath them. They feel like a fraud. And no matter what they achieve, they don’t feel happy, they often feel worse, more success brings more unhappiness. And they cannot work this problem, they cannot solve it. So the same time when they choose to address it and get to the root cause and stop the repeating patterns. It’s one of those big dominoes that once you knock it over a lot of the other dominoes fall. Yeah.
Doug Holt 22:50
And I was just thinking to him, I know you’re doing a webinar on this machine when this episode is going to come out. But you’re going to be doing a webinar on this if guys can’t hit the webinar, where they want to find out info and how they can get to the webinar. And when you’re doing a deeper dive on this. I know originally, it was for a special section of our community. I love if you’re okay with it to open up to the listeners of this without work. Yeah, we can do that. Okay, so how would How would men find out more information about that with the webinar, just
Tim Matthews 23:18
email into VIP and the powerful man.com and just put in the subject heading webinar, and just put in the body webinar. And we’ll just get back to you and give you the details and even the the recording button. Cool.
Doug Holt 23:35
So that’s VIP at the powerful man.com very important person at the powerful man.com. Guys, if you just if you shoot an email there, the way that they’ll get back to you is via email, if you leave your number, someone will call you and get you those details as well. Cool. Thanks for opening up that to this audience. Because I think that’s gonna be very powerful. I know you’ve been working on that quite a bit to help these men get through. And this is a big thing guys, like when you’re able to find these patterns and other things are going on with self and actually start eliminating these, you become a better man, a freer man, and we call it a grounded man, a grounded masculine man that allows you to be a better father, to your children, role models, your children, a better businessman, a better leader, and a better husband and a better lover. At the end of the day time.
Tim Matthews 24:21
Yeah, you just everything you do comes from a totally different place. 100% man, and we often speak to these guys with a running running nine figure companies, whether they’ve sold multiple companies, whether regardless, they have huge accolades and hallmarks of success. And when we say to them, Would you be open to the possibility that you’re on the plane at 50% right now? It kind of blows blows my mind, right? What do you mean 50%? I don’t see how that’s possible. And when we list off all the reasons of why that could be happening, because of these repeat impacts. atoms in this see it? Oh, I see. Then we go through the process that point again. You’re right. I was playing at 50%.
Doug Holt 25:10
Yeah, all? Yeah, I have a guy that I work with one on one time that you know. And he is crushing in business, everything the outside looks amazing. And I had the same conversation with him. Now I worked with him for a year and I said, Okay, what percent do you think you’re playing at? He said, Hold on, hold on. I remember when you first asked me that question, Doug, and I challenged you. And I was wrong. I was like, okay, so you do think you’re playing at 50%? He’s like, No, you are wrong, too. I was playing at 30% at best. Now that I can see, I’m still not at 100%. But holy cow, you know, it looked like crushing fan, the crusher, his marriage was having some problems. Then all of a sudden, he realized, Wait, when I started working on these other aspects, finding these hidden patterns, eliminating one by one’s picking off like a sniper. And getting back to it getting into his grounded masculinity practices, like you’re talking about, then he was able to rise up and then through that retrospective lens. It’s kind of like, oh, wow, there’s so much more potential here. And just because you’re beating the other men that are out there in the world, that you at least are seemingly are doesn’t mean that your potential, that’s your maximum. So, guys, if you feel like you know what, I’m just meant for something more, I feel like there’s more in the tank. I’m just not how to get it. Make sure you get on Tim’s webinar, because that’s exactly what he’s gonna be talking about.
Tim Matthews 26:29
Yeah, it’s like, when you’ve got these repeating patterns in your life. It’s like you’re walking around carrying a heavy backpack. You don’t even realize it. Yep. And then when you take it off, you realize Holy shit. You don’t realize how heavy something is? You put it down? Yes. And then you try until instead of walking around with the pounds on your back, 40 pounds on your back, you’ve got nothing on your back. Here’s movies. Yeah, you move faster, things are just easier. And you just level up. That’s
Doug Holt 26:57
true. That’s absolutely true. What do you want to leave these guys with them?
Tim Matthews 27:02
Don’t think you can outwork this. Because if this resonates, and you have repeating patterns, don’t just skip to next podcast, more motivation is not going to work. More persistence is not going to work. Wherever you go, you’re going to take yourself with you, you cannot outwork this, seek the professional support, like we’ve saved, whether it’s through wars, or whoever, you know, obviously, we believe what we do what we know what we do works, because we’ve got the results of 1000s of men. But either way, if this resonates, and you really want to live up to your potential, then you’ve got to do something about it. You just have to try something new. Otherwise, you’re going to definition out, dying, meeting the man that you could have been nobody wants to be in that position.
Doug Holt 27:53
No, amen. No. I love it. Love it. Thanks for being here, buddy. Gentlemen, you got one shot at this game we call life maybe got more, I don’t know. But we know you have at least one shot of the game we call life. If you’re operating below 80% of what you believe your potential is, and you don’t know have a plan on how to close that gap. We’ll take action now. Take action. Now to get the first steps. Start identifying those patterns. know if they’re serving at your highest level or not in the hint, most of them aren’t. And then you got to take action and admit to yourself that you are consciously committed to these patterns, or unconsciously committed to the patterns one of the two. It’s just that simple. From that space, you can take action, you can do the steps that Tim is talking about here. But the key is taking that action and get on there, get on the webinar, at least get on the webinar. It’s a free webinar that you can actually learn some more information. Or if you’re a man of action, like myself, look at the description below. There should be a link, get on a call with one of our advisors and see if you can be one of the lucky men to actually get to an Alpha Reset. To have that experience. Jim has always say in the moment of insight, take massive action and this is me calling you out to take action. So let’s bust through those patterns and live that life. You’re designed to live.
