Episode #946
How do you raise confident, self-assured kids in a world that constantly challenges their self-worth? As parents, we all want to set our children up for success—but are we doing enough to instill resilience, self-love, and a strong sense of identity?
In this episode, Doug and Erin Holt share real, actionable strategies they use to parent with intention. They discuss simple but powerful habits that help children develop emotional intelligence, confidence, and inner strength. From using positive language and mirror affirmations to modeling self-care and teaching accountability, they break down ways to create a home environment where kids feel safe, loved, and empowered.
They also dive into the importance of how you frame conversations with your children, why leading by example is the most effective teaching tool, and how small daily interactions shape their long-term mindset. Whether you’re a dad looking for ways to connect with your kids or a couple wanting to parent with more purpose, this episode gives you the tools to make a lasting impact.
Listen now and start building the foundation for your child’s lifelong confidence.
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Transcription
When I get the kids from school, I don’t say, “How was your day?” I say, “Did you have a good day or a great day?” And what I’m trying to do is pre-frame their mind that school or their day, at its worst, is good. And so they’re looking for the positives in their day. 98% of the time, it’s a great day. 2% is good. Every once in a while, I mean, I could count on one hand between both kids, it was neither, and then that opens up such a great conversation.
Hey guys, welcome back to The TPM Show. Once again, we’re joined by my beautiful wife, Erin Holt. Now, Erin has to leave, and so does Colton. We’re gonna make this a short one, guys, and this one is all going to be about children. Babe, thanks for being back and thanks for waiting and coming back for this next episode. So, we talked about doing a real short one that we thought might help some of the guys on how we consciously parent—like little tips and tricks that we do to pass on some of the work that we’ve done on ourselves, some of the work that we do with the clients that we’ve worked with for the past decades, essentially, and pass them down to our kids.
Now, transparently, our daughter is five as of yesterday, and our son is seven, going to be eight very shortly. So I want to give that context to the men. So guys that might have older kids, you know, this is the world that we live in now, so they understand that context.
Erin Holt 1:31
So excited about this. I was trying to think of easy tips that you and I do that people can implement if it feels right to them, right? And you get to choose what feels right for you and your parenting journey.
Doug Holt 1:41
I’m just gonna tell the guys what to do.
Erin Holt 1:44
I’m thinking of some things that I do, and, you know, Doug does his own things, and then we do things as a couple. But one of the things that I do a lot—and I look whenever I see a mirror, either out loud or in my head, 99% of the time—I tell myself, “I love myself.” I look myself in the eye and I tell myself, “I love myself.”
So I’ve taught our kids to do that since they were babies. And I, like, you know, of course, they’re kids, so I make it fun, and we make funny faces and whatever. But I make sure that they tell themselves that they love themselves in the mirror, so it’s just what is normal for them. It’s just what they know.
Doug Holt 2:16
Yeah, on the topic of self-love, it’s something that you and I emphasize a lot with the kids because we see it lacking in so many people we work with—and in our own journeys, right? Big time.
So I have a thing I do with the kids—you do it now too, but I’ve been doing it for a while—I say, “Hey, you know what?” And they respond with, “I love you. You love me. You love me.” And they do it so much they’re almost annoyed.
But I deliberately do it so much that my kids are almost annoyed, like, “Oh, you love us. You love me.” And I go, “How do you know?” And they go, “Well, because you tell me all the time,” right? And I’m like, that’s also a check for me. I go, “Good, I gotta make sure I’m doing that and that our kids have no question whether we love them or not.”
Erin Holt 3:04
Well, I love Taylor Swift. So I was listening to Taylor Swift, and her song Karma came on, and both of them asked, curiously, “Mom, what’s karma?” And so, you know, I explained it in a simple way, but basically, I’m constantly talking to them about how important their relationship with themselves is.
So it’s like, if you feel good on the inside and you talk kindly to yourself and you love yourself, you’re going to treat people that way, and you’re going to treat people with kindness and love. And I’m like, sometimes people that are hurting on the inside don’t treat people nicely. So it’s like the energy you put out is usually the energy you’re going to get back.
And so just explaining things like that really simply, and then I’m just like, “And we treat ourselves kindly and love ourselves.” So they’re like, “Yeah, of course, Mom.” And so I’m just like, “So that’s the type of energy that we’re going to give to people, and we’ll get back.” So things like that.
Doug Holt 3:54
I love that. I love answering questions. A couple of other things I’ll do, just back when I’m in the truck with them, is I found Curious Kids podcasts and things like that, that I’ll play with them, that answer questions from a kid’s point of view. And they love that rather than listening to music, because I figured out the music I listen to—especially my workout music in particular—is a little aggressive, not only in its tonality but also in its suggestive or direct language. So I’ve changed that.
And so I’ll put on the Curious Kids podcast, and that brings up so many questions. Again, our kids are young, but they have ones that I’ve seen also for older kids, and I think what I’d like to do is start changing that as they get older.
One of my fondest memories—I don’t know if you know this, I don’t say that it’s a fond memory, but it’s something I attribute my growth to—is, since my parents were divorced, I would be with my dad, and my dad was a businessman. We’d be driving to pick up his suits at the dry cleaners, doing everyday stuff with him on the weekend because he worked in LA, and he would listen to Fast Track Business audio tapes and other personal development tapes.
And I loved that. I remember some of the things I learned as a kid on this. I thought that was really fascinating. So what I started doing for our son, Bodhi, is I—I just put it on because I wanted to listen to it. It’s basically a motivation track for younger athletes, and it’s called Believe. And this guy’s talking about belief in yourself.
“What are you going to do when you get knocked down? Life’s going to knock you down. Pick yourself up.”
It’s very masculine, very aggressive. And I looked in the mirror, and he was just listening. I’m like, “Hey, bud, do you like this kind of stuff?” He’s like, “Yeah.”
“Cool.”
And so I started playing those when I take him to basketball practice. I started playing those tracks. And it goes on to other motivational life-quote type stuff from a lot of the motivational speakers that I enjoy, and I haven’t listened to this stuff in a very long time. And it’s cool to kind of pass that down.
So he’s hearing, over and over again, from another male authority figure, about how important it is to get up when you get knocked down, how things are going to happen in life, how it’s important to show up, and not be the victim.
Erin Holt 5:59
Awesome. I love that. I didn’t even know you did that. Very cool. Another thing that I do most mornings is I get up and journal and just have quiet time to connect and connect to myself. I call it connecting to the Goddess, and just tune in, ask questions. And so my kids see me do that all the time, and if they come out while I’m doing it, they either just sit there quietly with me or they journal themselves. Or sometimes I’ll be journaling, and then I’ll get up to go get more coffee or something like that, and they create little pictures in my journals that bring me so much joy when I find them.
Yeah, just modeling. We all know this, we hear this—what behavior is really serving you is what they’ll pick up. They’re going to hear our words, of course, but modeling is going to impact them more. So then they have their own little journals. And, you know, whether they use them or not, they go through phases, but they see that their mom does it a lot. And I know you do it some too. I just think they see me do it more for scheduling and whatever reason. So, yeah, just sharing that with them. Instead of being like, “Oh, they’re here, I’ll shut my journal,” I’m like, “Nope, this is journaling time. You can join me if you want, you can just sit here.”
Doug Holt 7:09
I love that. There are two other things I see them seeing us do—you in particular. There have been many times when our daughter especially, but both of them, have said, “Come on, Dad, let’s meditate,” and they’ll get into a version of the lotus position with their fingers—the wrong fingers touching—especially when they’re younger. It’s cute, but they know that’s something that we do, or that you in particular do.
The other thing is, Bodhi is starting to ask me to work out with him, and Aspen—our daughter—
Erin Holt 7:41
She worked out with us for an hour yesterday.
Doug Holt 7:43
Yeah, I know. And she went to the garage with me and was asking how to use pieces of equipment and things like that. For us, it’s really important that as we work on our health and wellness, we impart that into them—that they have the knowledge on how to do it, but they also understand that they get to respect the physicality of their bodies.
Erin Holt 8:03
Yeah, and do it from a place of self-love, of course.
Doug Holt 8:06
And crushing the competition.
Erin Holt 8:07
Our son is learning to read right now. So, I did this a long time ago, knowing that eventually, he would need to be able to read it. Upstairs, their rooms are upstairs in our house, and they have their own little bathroom. And on the mirror, I put—I can’t remember exactly what it says—but it’s, “I am loved. I am worthy. I have enough.” And there’s a fourth one. So it’s just there, you know? It’s just there. They’re going to be reading it some days, some days their subconscious picks it up. They ask me what it says. Sometimes Aspen—obviously, she can’t read yet—and I say it out loud to them, and they’ll ask me questions about it. And sometimes they just bop along, whatever, but they’re hearing it over and over again.
Doug Holt 8:44
Another thing that we teach them, and that I teach the guys to do, is cleaning up things—cleaning up when you hurt someone’s feelings or do something wrong, and how to make it right. Now, we don’t do it perfectly, but we’re starting to teach them not only how to do it but why it’s important. They’re brother and sister, so one moment they’re best friends, and the next, they’re fighting like cats and dogs. Teaching them how to clean things up is like a version of The Hidden Motives Technique that we teach. How do they clean that up with their brother, their sister, their mom, or whomever? Since I’m perfect, they don’t have to do that with me, but how do they do that in other realms?
Erin Holt 9:19
I think actually another thing on that note—an area that you’ve really grown in over the past year—is how you’re energetically protective of me. If they are, you know, I just naturally spend more time with them, and by the end of the day, we’re all kind of tired of each other. If they’re getting snippy or rude towards me or not listening, you shut that down. You hold that masculine boundary and say, “No, you don’t talk to your mom like that,” or however you phrase it. And it’s so beneficial for me, for them, and for everybody, but you hold that masculine line because holding boundaries for the feminine is very, very tiring. Yeah, and you do a really good job of that. Thank you.
Doug Holt 10:07
I appreciate that. Yeah, it’s an interesting balance for me because I don’t want to step in too early—I want you to have that space. I always think that if I step in too early, then they’re not going to listen to you when I’m not there. So I wait until I see that line, and there’s a line that I have within me that I notice when it gets crossed—whether it’s continuous pecking at you or one egregious act—then I’ll step in, and I’ll let them know in no uncertain terms that that is not acceptable and will not happen. And they listen.
Another thing I do, and we do for each other, is sometimes we just burn out. Sometimes I come home, and I’m just exhausted—physically, emotionally—I have nothing left, my tank is empty. And like the other night, I looked at you and saw that you were just tired, done parenting for the day. We switch nights putting the kids down—you do it one night, I do it the other—and we both really enjoy it. It was your night to put the kids down, which usually means my night for self-time. And I said, “I got this. You go down.” We have a finished basement with a big TV—”Go down, watch TV, read a book, take a sauna, whatever you want to do. Refill your batteries. I got this.” And you did that for me earlier in the week when you saw that I was just wiped. We do that for each other. One, it’s great for our marriage, but also as parents, our kids get the more resourced parent—the parent that’s more capable of handling whatever is happening.
We’re very fortunate. Our kids are young, and they love being around us. And with that comes the fact that—I call my daughter “shadow”—you can’t even go to the bathroom without her being next to you. She’s a people person, and we’re her people. She wants to be around us all the time. And sometimes that can feel like a lot.
Yeah, I think another thing—I mean, it seems obvious, but maybe it’s not—is we’re constantly getting our kids positive books. Something I love that you do with the kids—I’ve done it, but you do it more—is you take them to the library and make it a fun event. They get excited, and they think they’re coming home with treasure—so many books—and they just want to read and digest them. You make learning and reading such a fun experience. I really, really like that.
Erin Holt 12:46
Thanks. Yeah, another thing that just popped into my head—and I know different kids have different needs—but I mean, I love it because I’m a cuddly person, and both of our kids are cuddly, so we make a lot of time for…
Doug Holt 13:01
Hey guys, I wanted to interrupt this episode because it’s dawned on me that many of you guys aren’t aware that we actually have a book on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Now, thousands of men have read it and reviewed it, and I want to give you the opportunity to do the same. If you’re interested in grabbing it, it’s a short read, but it’s helped a lot of men just like you. Maybe you’re not interested in The Activation Method yet, but this is a small entry point that can really turn things around for you. Go over to Amazon—we have it priced as cheap as Amazon will let us—and that way, you have a resource you can use right now to start getting some results in your marriage. Now let’s get back to the episode.
Erin Holt 13:37
Simply cuddling and just being together and talking about whatever they want to talk about. That’s actually a good time when we either just connect by being together silently or, like this morning, Bodhi pulled me back into bed to cuddle with him when I went to get up.
Doug Holt 13:55
I’m not sure who pulled who, but I think that’s interesting because we’re very intentional—I feel like we’re bragging about our parenting, but I do think we do a good job. We get compliments on it from other parents a lot, which is cool, but I don’t want to come across as boasting. One thing that we’re very conscious about is spending very intentional, focused, present time with the kids versus just quantity time. And I think we do that very deliberately so our kids feel important, so they can develop that self-worth and self-love. It’s not just about what you say—it’s how you show up and that they see it.
Erin Holt 14:34
Yeah, I think also repair, like I just, yeah, kind of had a day with our daughter. You know, some days are harder than others. And I did—I raised my voice, and I kind of lost it a little bit. And I took a minute, and I came back and just apologized. I said, “You know, I’m sorry that I yelled. Mommy shouldn’t do that. That’s not your fault.” Or even things like this—like, I’m going through a hard situation with my mom, and they’ve seen me cry a lot recently. I’m really, really intentional that I let them know this is not theirs to bear. Like, “Mommy is sad, but you’re not responsible for my sadness. You can give me hugs, you can give me love, but this is Mommy’s to manage. This is not your responsibility.”
Doug Holt 15:16
Yeah, I think you also do a good job of letting them see you cry. You don’t cry deliberately in front of them, usually—usually, you go to the room, in my experience—but they’ll see you cry, and you let them know why. Like, “Hey, this is an emotion. This isn’t a bad thing.” So many men, especially, have this notion that men don’t cry. And I can tell you, after literally working with thousands upon thousands of men—yeah, they do. They do cry. Some just do it more than others. And the guys who “don’t cry”—when they finally do, it all comes out at once. A lot of emotion comes out. So I think if we could show all our children, and really all people, that letting out tears more often would be a healthier way of expressing emotion, that would be a good thing.
Erin Holt 16:04
Yeah. And on that note, something that I know my parents did, that I really work on doing with our children—and so do you—is they gave me the gift of never feeling responsible for their happiness. They were always responsible for their own happiness. I think that’s such a good gift. I’ve worked with people who felt like they were responsible for taking care of their parents and their parents’ happiness, and that’s really detrimental to a child’s well-being. And so I feel like, yeah, in general, I am responsible for my own happiness—not Doug, not my kids, just me. And Doug is responsible for his. Our children are not in any way, shape, or form responsible for us.
Doug Holt 16:47
I’d like you to take a little responsibility for my happiness. No, I totally agree with you 100%. Yeah, I think that’s another thing—right now, we intentionally bring laughter and joy into our family. I make a conscious effort every night to joke with them and get them to giggle and laugh. One, because it makes me feel good to see them that way. But also because I want them to learn not to take things so seriously all the time.
The only other thing I want to add to this conversation—something I hope works for our kids, though I don’t know if it will since they’re young—is that I try my best to explain concepts I teach the men I work with in a way they can understand. I want them to know, one, that I’m not perfect, and two, what the work I do really means. Because the work we do is very unique. They don’t have friends whose parents do what we do, so I want them to understand what it means to give back, to follow their passions, and to make a difference. They’re so young, they don’t fully get it—but they kind of do.
Erin Holt 17:48
You just brought up a memory from when we were in Banff. So we went as a family before you guys had an event there last year.
Doug Holt 17:59
That’s right. Colton and I went cold plunging in Banff in October. That was amazing.
Erin Holt 18:03
Yeah, and we hired a babysitter while we were there. When we came back, the babysitter was like, “What do you guys do?” Because she had asked the kids, “What do your mommy and daddy do?” And they said, “They help mommies and daddies feel happier.” I thought that was a pretty great little answer from their perspective.
Doug Holt 18:25
Yeah, that’s exactly what it is. We help other mommies and daddies be better mommies and daddies for their kids.
Erin Holt 18:30
Yeah. So those are the main things. I mean, of course, later today, I’m going to think of like 20 more.
Doug Holt 18:51
100%. Yeah, this is a great conversation. I hope it benefits somebody. Like we’ve said, these are things that work inside our family. And, like you said, we’re being really intentional in trying to teach our children the things we teach our clients.
Yeah, we could be screwing them up, guys—we don’t know. I always jokingly say, your kids are gonna be screwed up one way or another. They’re going to have their own stuff.
One last thing that I do—or that we do—and this is one I’ve shared with the men before that a lot of guys have found helpful, is at dinner, we ask, “What were your magic moments for the day?” We’ve done “Rose and Thorn” before, but “Magic Moments” is the one I use the most. Sometimes they don’t say anything, but sometimes it sparks a great conversation, or we learn more about their day.
Another thing—when I pick the kids up from school, I don’t say, “How was your day?” I say, “Did you have a good day or a great day?” What I’m trying to do is pre-frame their mindset so that, at its worst, school is “good,” and they’re always looking for the positives in their day. 98% of the time, they say “great.” 2% of the time, they say “good.” I could count on one hand, between both kids, the times when they said “neither”—and when that happens, it opens up such a great conversation.
Your last one?
Erin Holt 19:58
My last one is from just a couple weeks ago. Doug, you were gone for a leadership meeting at the beginning of the year, and I was creating my own dream board and vision board. And I thought, “You know what? I’m just going to do this with them.” So I got each of us our own vision boards, pulled out a bunch of magazines and markers, and we did it old-school. We had the best time. They were so pumped! Their boards are hanging in their rooms now, and they’re so excited about dreaming and putting up things that they’re excited about—their own little worlds, things they want to do, things they want to share with us, or things we can do together as a family. It was really, really cool.
Doug Holt 20:36
I love that. Love that you did that. Yeah, I’m going to have to have you all walk me through your vision boards one by one. That would be a fun thing.
Thanks again for sticking around. I know you’ve got a busy schedule and things you want to get done before picking up the kids and jumping right back into parenting. But this conversation is a perfect pre-frame—right when you get in the car, you’re going to remember all these things to share with the little guys.
Thanks, babe.
Erin Holt 21:00
Thank you.
Doug Holt 21:02
Gentlemen, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. And I use that word massive deliberately. Audit your parenting. What do you want to add, subtract, or change? Take action. Just do it. You can always start over.
Maybe it’s something simple—like a lot of guys I talk to start asking about “Magic Moments” at dinner. Or maybe it’s something completely different.
If you have any tips, I want to hear them because I want to be a better dad. So if you have any, send them in—email VIP@thepowerfulman.com and the team will forward them to me. Or, if you’re in our private community, please tag me.
If you’ve got the new Powerful Man app, that’s another great place to share—I’m in there every day. Just tag me and let me know what lessons have worked well for you and what you’ve passed on. I’m on this journey too, trying to be better.
Appreciate you guys. Have an amazing day, and we’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
