Episode #90
In this episode, Tim and Doug discuss Tim’s conversation with one of the men from the brotherhood. He shared that this particular man has been hiding or living just to get by for the past several months after becoming a better man as a result of joining the brotherhood.
For the past 12 months, this guy achieved phenomenal things. To name a few, he landed a 6-figure deal in his business which is the largest in his company’s history, he reunited with his family, lost weight, is now picking up his kids from school and now has control over all aspects of his life.
Yet…over the past month or so, he has been doing ‘just enough’ to get by. He has been making promises but then not following through, especially in his business. His company has been receiving negative reviews for its poor customer service which Tim believes is a reflection of him not being there to provide presence and leadership.
Most men, if not all, experience this situation.
In business, for example, we are so used to hustling and grinding our way until we reach our business goals. And then when we reach those goals, we just stop working.
We take our foot off the gas. We settle. And two or three months go by, and suddenly we lose a client, and another client, and another client. By the time we take to look at it, the business is already burning down.
So we start to take action again, step on the gas again, hustle and grind until we build the business back up again. And then we settle again and then we burn it again and then build it back up and then settle again. The pattern goes on and on.
Until you figure out why you do this, why that pattern keeps on happening, where’s the source of it, you will be trapped inside this loop.
Get very clear with yourself. Are you being the man you know you can be? Don’t get stuck in the patterns that don’t serve you.
What you will learn in this episode:
- What is Upper Limiting
- What is Unconcious Commitment
- What to do when you reach your threshold
- The importance of recognizing the patterns that don’t serve you
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Episode Script
Doug Holt 0:00
He needs to get brutally honest with himself and brutally clear with himself, and I say brutally. What I mean by that is don’t hold back with yourself. Are you the man you could be?
Tim Matthews 0:13
Guys, Welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I’m your host, Tim, The Powerful Man, Matthews. With my co-host, Doug. We got to think of some better names, for you Doug. Not that there’s anything wrong with your name.
Doug Holt 0:34
I’m good with that. I’m completely comfortable with Doug Holt.
Tim Matthews 0:38
I know Doug, the Hitman Holt. There we got Doug, the Hitman Holt. I love it. So here’s something I want to bring to the table today, and it comes off the back of a conversation with one of the men in the brother, and I’m interested in getting your take on what you think. The problem is here. So to paint the picture. This guy has been with us now for 12 months. An amazing man, he has achieved phenomenal things in the past 12 months, to name a few now London a six-figure deal in his business, the largest in his company’s history, presenting the same collection to the same people it did last year. Last year, they told him, “Hey, don’t call us we’ll call you” this year, six figures on his bridge, he reunited his families, which is a major deal. His wife was sick, and he’s Muslim. So ten years ago, when they got together, it was death threats and left that unless they split up, he’s now reunited that losing weight is now picking his kids up from school every day, the first time I did that, the school wouldn’t give him his kids, because it didn’t even know who he was. So the point is taking control in many areas of his life or all areas, old territory. So his life, yet over the past month or so, he has been hiding, and he has been doing just enough to get by. When I say just enough to get by, he has been making promises. They’re not following through with this family, or at least haven’t told his family about marines business. His business has been getting some negative reviews for its customer service. I think that’s a reflection of him not being there as well, like his presence, his leadership, not being there as well, and I’m wondering, as I was bringing this to the table. At first, I thought this was an issue of commitment and following through because when I spoke to this guy, I said, it seems to me that what you were doing, as I’ve just said, is just enough to get by. It will show up in all areas of your life. So the problems you’re experiencing with your business and marriage and so on, and he was like, Well, yeah, it is, and he started to do his work. But as I am speaking this now, I’m wondering, we sometimes speak about upper limits and people have different opinions and upper limits whether they exist or not. For one thing as well. So as I’m sharing this with you, Hitman. What was your take on this? What do you think is going on for this man?
Doug Holt 3:28
I know you’re talking about, and I left him a very direct message in our private group; I’d left it publicly, but very directly to him. So he would know. What do I think is happening to him? I think I believe in upper limits. Mainly because of coaching for so long and just being human. I’ve experienced them in my own life, and I’ve seen them with clients forever, wherever it’s in. So I’m a firm believer in upper limits, just like gravity. I think he had an issue with upper limiting. I also think we brought this to the table. So we’re talking about it. So I’ll say hi to him. But he also knows that I’m very frank and blunt. I don’t believe that he’s over it. I think part of his mask and formula is coming out and publicly saying, hey, I’ve changed, and I’m going to change and go through there without actually dealing with the real work. I believe this happens with all of us guys and women too. But obviously, spots were speaking here. When you recognize a pattern in your life that is not serving you, I call it an unconscious commitment. You’re unconsciously committed to those results, and often it has to do with upper limiting and to give the guys an example, Tim, of what upper limiting is. It’s an example that’s occurred to me in my life, and I see it happening a lot. We’ll use business, of course. But you can also use health. One example would be, as you build your business up to a certain level, let’s just say you’re making 55k recurring revenue a month; that was your goal. Yes, you’re cruising, but you take your foot off the gas, you take your eyes off the optics, and two, three months go by and all of a sudden you lose a client, then you lose another one, then you lose another one, and by the time you start looking at it, you’ve burned it down to you’re in survival mode. Now you’re like, and I have to build this up, I have to pay the bills, how will I make payroll? How am I going to do this? How am I going to do that stress, anxiety kick in depression, all of these things? But those things that are kicking in the stress, anxiety, and depression are the catalyst for you to take action and do the things you should have been doing anyway, the way you got to 55k in the first place in this example. Those things allow you to build back up. Then you start to build it up a year later, two years later, you’re building it up, you get it back to 55k, maybe even get to 57k or something along those lines, but you get it pretty close to where you were. You do it again, maybe it’s three months, maybe it’s a year, you take your foot off the gas, right, and maybe it’s not the gas, it’s a bad analogy. But whatever happens, you keep hitting these thresholds and tearing it down, and maybe you try to expand to new markets, maybe you’re trying something different, whatever it is, you’ve repeated this pattern, and again. Until you figure out why you do this, why that pattern keeps happening, where’s the source of it, what is actual, I would say kind of flashpoint where this started in your life and get some real clarity around it. I believe you need somebody gifted in this process to do it with you. I think it’s very difficult to do on your own fully, you can do it on your own, and it’s a good start. But doing it myself, trying it myself on my own, being trained extensively in this and trying it, it helps to have somebody else as a third party. Because these upper limits that we’ve done are also like a booby trap, right all around these upper limit issues and that this guy is facing. I believe there are booby traps that we’ve created in our psyche, these unconscious commitments to justify what’s happening and to make excuses, and to make us think that we figured it out when we haven’t got to the root of the issue.
Tim Matthews 7:25
So in the case of this particular guy, what I was going to say. What do you think is an unconscious commitment? Why let’s say that? What do you think the unconscious commitment is there? It’s kind of difficult to do without going through the exercise. But if you were to make a guess, an informed guess, based on what about this individual and the pattern that we see within many men, what would you hazard a guess as to what it is?
Doug Holt 7:54
A lot of people are listening to this podcast, and we’re going to know who we’re talking about here, and so with that said, the people that know who we’re talking about are also people who know his story very well. He’s been very public about it, and it’s something that I honor, and he’s also allowed me to talk about it. So I want to use that as a caveat because there’s part of me that I don’t want to say in a podcast episode anything specific about his situation. I also kind of want him to figure it out. So here’s what I’ll say. In his instance, he needs to get brutally honest with himself and clearly with himself, I say brutally. What I mean by that is don’t hold back with yourself. Are you the man you could be? That’s what I’ll have him answer. Are you truly being the man? I mean, being not at this moment? Or not trying or any of these other excuses? Are you the man you could be?. That’s the honest answer. Are you that man? And if that’s a yes, then cool, it’s a mute conversation. But if the answer’s no, which I believe he would say no, he knows there’s more for him. He knows he could do more. Then why and what’s going on for you? And all too often, Tim, as we get into my experience, and I think this is happening for him and a little bit, we become, we go through what I what’s called the teenage years, right where we know enough to be dangerous, and he knows enough he’s attended. Half a dozen alpha resets at this point, with our team and as seen the coaches take people through just amazing transformational experiences and exercises, and I think sometimes people can use the idea of upper limiting as an excuse. I hit an upper limit. It’s kind of my excuse, I drank too much, sorry about last night, something along those lines, and I think he’s doing that now and, since you asked me, I walk a fine line of I don’t want to push him too hard because I believe he needs to figure this out himself. I think we, as coaches, can be the guides for him. We can ask the right questions, but he needs to figure out the answer himself. So it has some stick to it. So as some sticking points were when he encountered this again, which he will, right, we all do. All of us guys do; we all hit these upper limits. Maybe next time, it’s not 55k. But you’ve got to 75k, and you do it again, or it’s something different, if it’s not in your business, maybe it’s in your health, you got ripped, and now you started drinking beer and pizza again, next thing you’re 15 pounds overweight. It happens to a lot of us. So the point is that I think he is still at a level that he needs another layer of clarity and honesty within himself for this guy. I think it’s great if he chooses to come out publicly and discuss it and share his journey and his story publicly even more. I think that would be very cathartic for him and very therapeutic. But at the same time, what are your standards? Who are you as a man to get clear on that? And are you doing it? And if you’re not asked for help. No one lives on an island. You’re not by yourself guys, guys that are out there, this guy included, you’re not by yourself. This guy happens to be surrounded by top-level world-renowned coaches and other men who are playing at such a high level, and of course, I’m not saying this to beat him up at all. I’m saying this because he is such an amazing man. I think he is the tip of the iceberg. That picture, Tim, where you see the famous picture, I used to have it on my wall, my office needed to come in down the hallway. It’s an iceberg, and you see the top of the iceberg, but then you see below the surface, and it’s ten times the size of the picture I’m talking about? That’s where I think this man is, I think he sees the tip of the iceberg, and I think he needs to do a polar plunge there and dive a little deeper.
Tim Matthews 12:17
To simplify this, as well, to take a layer off it while I hear you say that unconscious commitments show up in your life through self-sabotage.
Doug Holt 12:24
Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. But I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing, like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it? I get it. Go over right now to https://www.thepowerfulman.com/vs-biz/ to discover the system that other businessmen just like you are using. We’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. We want to share that with you and go over to https://www.thepowerfulman.com/vs-biz/ right away. Now let’s get back to the show.
Doug Holt 13:07
It doesn’t always have to be self-sabotage. Because I would say in relationships, you’re unconsciously committed, you are committed consciously or unconsciously, to all the results you have in your life. There are some extreme circumstances which can be argued, and I could let go okay, that was beyond your control, and other people would argue that the car accident wasn’t your control or whatever. So I’m not here to debate that. But let’s use a bell-shaped curve here, where most outcomes in your life are where you are right now. As a man listening to this, that is a result of your conscious, you’ve chosen to do that directly or your unconscious commitments. You are the weight you are right now because you’re committed to that weight. You are, you’re committed to being healthy or committed to being fat, period. Your business is making this much money because you’re committed to that. Right now, maybe you’re on an upward trend, maybe you’re in a downward trend, I don’t know. But you’re consciously or unconsciously committed to the results that you’re getting, and so for this particular guy and this extrapolates across all men, in my opinion, right, he went into hiding, why? He went into hiding at what could have been a peak for him to keep going. We use this in training and everything else; sometimes, you backslide when you hit a peak. But your backside to go up to another level, and he could be doing that. That could be his story. I don’t think he consciously is doing that right now. So he’s unconsciously committed to playing small, in my opinion.
Tim Matthews 14:53
So another way for these, I’m thinking of ways the listeners can identify upper limits in themselves. So we’ve seen it isn’t self-sabotage because sometimes it can be unconscious. You don’t even know you’re doing it. I heard you say, correct me if I’m wrong because I might say something a minute ago, but if you keep repeating patterns repeating cycles of behavior.
Doug Holt 15:16
I’ll say that one way to recognize them. If you’re doing a diagnostic on yourself, one way to recognize unconscious commitments is to look at patterns in your life and ask the question simply, is this serving me? Yes or no? So an example: getting up early at 6 am to jump on calls early in the morning or jump on email. I find myself checking my phone all the time; no judgment right now. But let’s just ask ourselves, is that serving me to the level that I want to play out, Yes or no? The answer is yes. Great. Keep doing it. If the answer’s no, and it keeps happening, okay? What’s going on there? Here’s a pattern in my life. That keeps happening, I’ve recognized it, and it’s not serving me. Somehow, I’m committed to this pattern because I still do it. So I’m either consciously committed to it, I’ve set my alarm, I’ve decided I’m going to check email, or unconsciously committed to it where I just grab my phone, and I check it right or whatever. It was just one example. Where it comes out to not always being self-sabotage is there can arguably, things external to you that you’re not trying to sabotage yourself? That’s what I mean. But you’re 100% correct. The great way, the best way that I’ve ever seen, to self diagnose, is to look at all the patterns in your life and go through the five areas that we focus on, go through your wealth, your health, your relationships, go through all those areas of yourself, go through business. What are the patterns? And are they serving you? We all have patterns, hundreds of them every single day? Are they serving you? Yes or no? And then we can start looking at your unconscious commitments, your unconscious commitments, the best way to look at those Tim and find those are what the top complaints are in each of those five areas? What’s the top complaint in your marriage? What’s the biggest thing you complain about? What is the biggest thing you complain about? And we’re not going to go through the whole exercise, but there’s a series of exercises that takes about an hour and a half or so to dive deep. Where are those complaints? If you’re complaining about the top complaints in your life more than once, you’re unconsciously committed to getting those results.
Tim Matthews 17:38
I think this is where the power of the coil comes in, the chart of intentional living that we use with the guys because they are required to track all areas of their life and get a score at the end of the week out of 35. So just to give a bit of a bird’s eye view here, the chart of intentional living enables the guys to get a maximum score of 35 for the week. Five points are available per day, one point for each of the five territories. You get the point by basically doing what you say you’re going to do. So what this then enables the men to see, by the end of the week, when they review the week is an area where they haven’t performed well in and then you can imagine that over time, as you’ve got these optics, you’re able to spot these patterns and these trends sooner and change it quicker, rather than staying blind. Before it months, two years have gone by. You can operate in a completely different way in your marriage. Let’s say then, and you want to be about that habit has become so ingrained, it’s almost like the compound effect. Compound interest working against you’re working in the wrong direction, just one degree 1% away from where you want to be every day that could be going to bed a little bit later than you should do getting up a little bit later to go out on your phone. The first thing having one beer or having that meal or whatever it is, you start to make these tiny little habits over time, and when added together, it takes you so far away from the life you want to have. But with objects like C can, you can recognize it so much quicker.
Doug Holt 19:28
It’s so true. I’ll use me as an example, like I’m back in Bend, Oregon, and we had a call today, with The Brotherhood and a guy Adam was there, and I was visiting Adam, yes, the other day and he was he’s like, Doug was a great idea. I’m going to buy you a case of beer, and since I’ve been here the last week, I feel like all I’ve done is drink beer, and I’m gaining a lot of weight gain, so for me, I have to look at that. What am I unconsciously committed to here? Why am I backsliding from what I say my goals are? So this is the same process I take myself through, or I’ll work with you or Arthur. I’ve got the great coaches in my corner, but we’re all human. We go through these, we look at these trends, and one beer turns into two turns into three over days you start doing some beers for lunch it’s the culture here and Ben that’s my story anyway. So then I have to ask myself what I’m unconsciously committed to, and in my coil right in my hitting my goals right so my coil isn’t takeaway beer, but if it adds an evening workout in on my coil and I’m tracking that am I doing it or not? I can’t do an evening workout if I’ve had a couple of beers just can’t, right, so the coil to your point, you can have analytics and optics around that, assuming you’ve picked the right items to go through to keep you in check. But we all get to look at these in the coils and amazing way of really just self-checking yourself to see where you’re at so you don’t end up two months down the line or three months down the line or three years down the line going what happened who this guy in the mirror I don’t even recognize him physically or emotionally or does even have emotions at this point is. All three of these things, the coil of understanding unconscious commitments and understanding upper limits, are three critical things to being a powerful man and being successful in life, in my opinion.
Tim Matthews 21:20
I agree, and it’s such sneaky little changes that creep upon us. If you don’t have the optics and don’t have people around you who will call you forward and call you out for your best interest because they know you’re better than that. Also that you can turn to and have honest conversations with, a lot of the reason for the men going into The Brotherhood after The Alpha Reset is because I want to surround themselves with other men that are having a very particular type of conversation and are committed to a very particular type of mission because they don’t have it where they’re living in their local communities for the most part. You surround yourself with other men like that, and having those conversations and having the optics is key. I don’t think it’s possible to avoid this because you’re a human being. It’s life, and you’re going to work against these moments from time to time. But I think you can move through it quickly. Within minutes, instead of it taking you down for days and weeks and months and years.
Doug Holt 22:23
Anybody that says they don’t go through these things is full of shit. I’ll tell you that right now. Excuse my language, but it’s true, and the reason I feel comfortable talking to this gentleman, and I say to him is because I know he’s listening, so the things I’m choosing to say are very deliberate. Because I know he’ll listen to this episode. It’s pure love. He has permitted me to recognize that and to call him out on it. But I also look, I do it too. I would want the same thing. I would want him as a brother. He’s in a brotherhood, so he’s a brother of mine, and the way I look at it, I don’t want him to call me out just as harsh. I don’t need the love, and it’s going to be okay. Oh, don’t worry about it, Doug. Now I want some like, Hey, dude, and this is not what you said you were about and what you’re trying to do in life has that changed Yes or No? No? What the heck are you doing? It’s going to happen. That’s love to me, that’s pure love that you’re willing to take a stand for somebody else, that’s why The Brotherhood is such a special place. We have all of this huge educational resource, two educational sessions every week to help the guys continue growing in different areas. But that’s just one part of it. The best part of that is surrounding yourself with like-minded men who are trying to achieve greatness. Greatness is how they have defined it, not how somebody else has defined it for them. It’s a magical thing.
Tim Matthews 24:04
So true. So guys, thank you for joining Doug and me in this episode, it always means a lot to us when we see the downloads going up every week, and we’re getting the message out to more men to more women to more families. Now this work is very close to our hearts, but from our journey and the world that we see out there in the future, we see that it is possible for all men, quite honestly. Again thank you for taking time out of your busy day to be here with those in this conversation, and if you want to understand more about how you might be able to get help from us from The Powerful Man, enjoying the program and maybe who knows going to The Brotherhood. Then head over to https://www.thepowerfulman.com/vs-biz/ , and you will see a lot of testimonials and case studies from many men business owners from the UK. The US has been through exactly what we’ve just been speaking about right here, and they found another way and the great role models, great examples, and I bet that they’re no different to you. So have a fantastic day, Doug. Thank you for your time and wisdom as always, and until next time, guys. Have a fantastic day.
