Episode #313
How do you gain admiration and respect from your wife?
You begin by respecting yourself and your own time. Don’t let her take the dominant role, and don’t let yourself be sacrificed for her.
To gain admiration and respect from your partner, always take care of yourself and take a stand for who you are and what you want. Put yourself first and honor your boundaries.
If you put yourself last, you are going to get drained and emptied. You’ll feel depressed, angry, lonely, resentful…eventually, you’ll explode.
So stop dropping everything for your wife!
You only have one shot at this game called life. Get activated and take charge.
In this episode, we will talk about how to stop dropping everything for your wife and the key steps on how to do it carefully and gracefully.
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Episode Transcript
Doug Holt 0:00
I did my own thing, and I was with my daughter; my wife took a 30 minutes shower, did her thing, and then came back out. But my wife came back, and it was obvious that she had more respect for me. So I did not let her take the dominant role. I did not let myself be sacrificed for her, and you will gain more admiration. You also gain more respect from your partner because you respect your own time and yourself. Why should she respect you? Why should she look up to you?
Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I’m your host, Doug hall, with my co-host, Tim, “The Powerful Man” Matthews. What’s going on, brother? You alright?
Tim Matthews 0:43
Alright! Passing all your work?
Doug Holt 0:47
Not all of it, just the stuff I don’t want to do. That’s what you always tell me to do. So, Tim, I had an interesting situation happen this morning. I got up a little earlier, and I just woke up earlier than normal. Granted, I get up early for most people. So I’m down here doing my morning routine. I got a 1300 square foot, basically basement with Windows, like partially underground, partially not. And I’ll get into that in a minute. But I’m down here doing my morning routine, do my thing. I walk upstairs, see my wife on a couch or another couch up there. And she’s got her headphones in, and she does not look happy. Okay, she does not look happy at the situation, give her a little wave, grab some water, come back down into my morning routine. Now I’m doing more of my morning routine down here, and I’m doing some stretching. I hear our baby, who’s now one year old, crying here, my wife walking up to get the baby. So now I’m like, okay, her morning routine is now stopped. Right? I know that. She’s not going to be able to do what she wanted to do in the morning. So, as you know me, I naturally feel a little guilty about it. She has to do that. I’m down here stretching, etc. I know you don’t feel guilty, but I always do, etc. Then all of a sudden, I hear the door open to show me that.
Tim Matthews 2:22
What is the shotgun?
Doug Holt 2:27
Coming down the door, coming down the stairs, and I can hear the baby. It is my wife. And I’m still stretching. She’s walked over to where I am and stands there. I’m stretching. I look over and say good morning and talk to my daughter as I continue to stretch. My wife looks at me and says can you take her? I want some time to do what I want to do. Now, the old me would have said, “Oh, absolutely. Yeah, of course, I’ll get her. You take care of the kids all the time. Happy to do so it’s 530 in the morning, no problem not talking to Tim till eight. So I got plenty of time”. So the old me would have grabbed her, done it, and gotten right to it. I’m going to say here that most guys we talked to that come to the program would do the same thing right now. Now here’s the change. So the old me, old Doug, totally dropped. Everything dropped. What I was doing came out of the stretching routine that I was doing. Grab my daughter walked upstairs, allowed my wife space, played with my daughter, got breakfast ready, and did all those things my wife traditionally does for the family so she could have time for herself. I looked at her and said, “No.” And she looked at me and said, “What do you mean?” So, “No, I’m actually in the middle of stuff right now. But I’ll be done with what I want to get done in about 15 minutes, and I can come up and help. I’ll give you a break. And then I’ll just come back down a little bit later”. And so the point of bringing this up is twofold. One is the old me, and maybe some of the guys listening to this can relate would have dropped everything for her. So she could do her morning and have her time at the sacrifice of me. And my morning, my time. I’m guessing a lot of guys can relate to this. While I was with my daughter, right?
So I did my own thing while I was with my daughter. My wife took a 30 minutes shower, did her thing, and then came back out. So I was with my daughter. I was also stretching, playing, and doing some stuff with my daughters. It’s all good. But my wife came back, and it was obvious that she had more respect for me and almost more admiration. She sent me a voice note basically to that effect. So I did not let her take the dominant role here. I did not let myself be sacrificed for her. Now that’s something I used to do is something that a lot of us men think we should do. Yes, I will sacrifice myself for my wife’s betterment for the betterment of my family, for the betterment of my staff for my employees’ betterment. I can take it, and I can take that work on my shoulders. I’m strong enough, and I’ll do it. So she’s happy. But when you take a stand for yourself, as I did this morning, it gets a small stand, but I think some guys can resonate with this, they’re listening to this, we take that small stand, you do it respectfully, right? So I’ll tell you guys how to do this. You will gain more admiration from your partner, and you also gain more respect from your partner. Because until you respect your own time and yourself, why should she respect you? Why should she look up to you if you can’t take care of yourself? Tim, I’m gonna let you jump in here with some thoughts and some ideas on here because I saw you shaking your head over there, especially when I talked about the old me. And I’m also going to talk to guys about how to do this gracefully at the end of that.
Tim Matthews 6:04
It’s interesting. Now I was speaking with one of the guys in the inner circle today, our high-level mastermind. And here’s complaining, well, he was complaining about work about his relationship. And then I said, Look, stop complaining. You have a choice. If you figured out that you’re earning X amount of money in business, but that means that you can’t work out, then don’t make as much money and work out. And accept it is not going to be as productive at work. Or if that is okay with you, then get up earlier. Oh, if you’re too tired, what I mean is, you’ve got a choice. Stop complaining, and you’ve always got a choice and the balls completely in your call, same thing in your relationship. You figured something out, and you’re unhappy with something, cool! If you communicate that way, you’re going to choose to accept that I’ll take a stand for what you want; if you do not accept it, then stop complaining. So the point being is he was us self sacrificing, putting everybody else’s needs before his own. You are then complaining that he was unhappy and tired. Of course, he isn’t happy and tired. Because he’s doing things, he doesn’t want to do. And nobody’s winning in that situation. But I said to him, Hey, imagine how much better you’d be as a father. He said, “Yeah, I am a great father” I’m like, “I bet you are and do you think you might be an even better father if you were to work in the morning with a real excitement for the day energy and lightness and you might be making less money, but not once to be sad when actually what you want? Now, once you’ve, you said more money.” So imagine being happier, more joyous, and having the intimacy and everything you want? Surely the kids would get even more of you? Right? Well, yeah. So the point I’m making is, yeah, it is an easy trap to fall into. And I think the thing for me, I was reflecting on how I was Amelia, and why I’ve come to realize is the fine line. Because in the past, I’ve maintained my own needs. And I’m good at this. In the past, I’ve been too good to the point where I’ve just kind of been super ruthless and selfish a little bit at times. And where that has come in is if we’ve had if we’ve got the previous agreement.
Doug Holt 8:58
Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing, like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it? I get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus to discover the system that other businessmen just like you are using. We’ve included 10 case studies of ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you; go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus right away. Now let’s get back to the show.
Tim Matthews 9:39
Take you to Ireland, for example, if you guys would have agreed that you’re going to get particular aspirin time this morning. And Erin comes in, and you’ve not gotten her, cool, you’ve not honored your word that can lead to like a truck, all that stuff. Cool. You know, maybe you might have taken her in that instance. I know you. I think you’ve just got up and been there in time anyway. But if you guys hadn’t previously agreed on it, and Erin was the one that was going to be doing it, and then she comes down and tries putting it, obviously on you. You’ve already made commitments and promises to yourself, and yeah, for sure, maintain that boundary. It’s not your job to save Erin “from her problem,” right? She gets to deal with whatever that problem is and figure her way through it. And as a result, she will have more respect for you and yourself, but a lot of guys get into that whole idea of wanting to save. Save the wife, be the nice guy, savage. doesn’t need saving, and she doesn’t want to save. Sure. Maybe once in a while, you might say to Erin, yeah, you know what, let’s happen two weeks, 14 days I’ve ever fought teen, you might say, two or three times at all of it once or twice, you don’t save it 12 out of 14 or 13 out of 14. And they don’t want you to do that either. Right? So, respect comes from having a boundary. People respect the boundary. That’s what they respect. If there’s no boundary, then you don’t stand for anything. And then there’s nothing to respect. And guys often say, “Well, how do I regain the respect and admiration?”. Well, you’ve got to take a stand for who you are and what you want. But by default, it creates respect. The admiration can follow.
Doug Holt 11:33
Exactly. And you can do it. Such guys. What do you want to look at here also in this example? One is I did help my wife, but I wanted to finish what I was doing. I and I’ll be honest, we had an intense urge to drop everything. My natural reaction was to let me drop everything and save her. Oh, I got this, and I had an old story going through my head, you take care of the kids all the time, that you need your space, totally get it? All of these things. But then there’s the other conversation, right, which was no, I’m doing something right now. I’m doing something I’m doing to better myself, and I’m not giving that up now if that is an emergency. That’s a different story. But the key here is how do you do this gracefully? One is you draw that line in the sand. My wife, can you take our daughter, right? Can you take her so I can do what I want to do? My response was no. Right? But the key here is I also told her, “no, I’m doing something right now, and I can help out when I’m done, which will be in about 15 minutes”. So I’m saying I’m giving her in time. It’s the same thing.
When someone says that you’re talking to something with your wife, you’re talking to her, you say, “you know what, this isn’t the time.” That’s not good enough. “This isn’t the time, but we can talk about this Friday night or Saturday morning.” Right? So now there’s an end to this conference that you’re closing the loop. I was also closing the loop. Now it’s gonna take me 15 minutes to finish what I’m doing, and I can help later. Or I can say no, I’m going to be doing this for an extra couple of hours. This is not the first time this has happened to him because we serve business leaders worldwide, working with guys in different time zones. There have been times in the past where my wife will say, “Can you just take the kids for a little bit?”. But “No, I’ve got meetings,” “I’ve got calls,” “we’re doing consulting,” etc., etc. “Not gonna be able to do it. I’ll be done at 5 pm, which is in six hours from now. Happy to help out then”. Right or not gonna do it tonight. It just it’s the way it’s gonna be, and you’re gonna garner more respect, guys, when you do that. This is not about being a jerk. This is just about honoring your boundaries, as Tim said, and putting yourself first. So he’ll hear if you haven’t if you don’t recall, go back. Tim’s mentioned this many times. We’ve talked about this on many podcasts, how most guys have it backward. Put yourself last. There’s a lot of descriptions in the Facebook group about the triangle. But most guys have it upside down with themselves, and it is the last you gotta put yourself first. Right, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then help those around you. It’s the same idea. So Tim, what are a couple of things guys can do right now if they find themselves consistently dropping everything for their wives or they think that they’re in a pattern where they’ve been told that this is the way it should be?
Tim Matthews 14:51
Well, is that pattern serving you right? And how is it showing up in other areas of your life? Because that’s the reality. Chances are you do this in your business. Chances are you’re overwhelmed, and chances are you take too much on, chances are you start things and don’t finish because you end up taking too many things. There’s a story that will play out, right? So get clear on what that story is, piece to pieces of the puzzle together. So you can see the cost of this. Why is this costing you? Know those missed workouts? How long has that been going on? Those late nights? How long has that been going on? Get clear on where you are. And then understand why you are doing what most guys are going to do out of a need to be liked and feel significant because they’re serving others. Still, all they’re doing is employing their happiness and significance of everything outside of themselves, which never works. They end up feeling drained and exhausted. And then start to put your needs first. It is as simple as what I said to the guy earlier today, well most guys don’t know what the needs are. And that’s cool, and I get it. But once you know what your needs are, a case of then ask him for what you want and take a stand for what you want. And if you are not taking a stand for what you want, you can’t complain when you don’t have what you want. It’s just the reality. No one’s gonna take a stand for you. Your wife isn’t your mother, who has done an episode on that before. So if this is your, if this resonates, I strongly urge you to change it. Otherwise, it’s a slippery slope.
Doug Holt 16:41
And that’s just it, guys, as well as what’s gonna happen is you’re gonna put yourself last, you’re gonna get drained and overwhelmed. And guess what you’re gonna do? You’re gonna friggin erupt, you’re gonna explode, you’re gonna yell, and it’s gonna be over something seemingly small, where the people around you are gonna be like, what the heck, you’re an asshole. And that’s gonna make you feel depressed, sad, lonely. You don’t want to do all of these feelings, and what most guys do is they say, and I’m going to be a nicer guy. They start doing more of the things that got him into this place. And the first time I did it.
Tim Matthews 17:20
They end up in the Five Agonies. Go check out the podcast episode on Five Agonies, No Man’s Land. Yep, this describes the exact process you fall into.
Doug Holt 17:29
And it’s exactly, and it’s what I did early on in my marriage, too. Right? We call it being deactivated. Suppose you don’t see it. Society tells you accounts can be a nicer guy. Right? So you got to get activated, guys. Gentlemen, if this is your first time with us, go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus. Go ahead and pick up that Reignite Cheatsheet. And of course, if you’ve been with us for a while, we would greatly appreciate it if you just took a moment and leave a review. Wherever you’re finding us. iTunes, Spotify, Facebook, YouTube. Gosh, this podcast is everywhere nowadays, which is so cool. I love getting feedback from you guys. I absolutely love it. But remember, stop dropping everything for your wife. Right? This is your time. Your life got one shot at this game we call life that you know about, right? Maybe more. We got one you know about for sure. This is your time to get activated and really take charge. Gentlemen have an amazing rest of your week, and we’ll see you next time.
