Episode #1121
In this episode of The TPM Show, Tim Matthews and Stephen discuss the invisible force that governs every household: the man's energy. Most men operate in "doing mode" all day solving problems and driving results. The issue arises when they bring that same "doing" energy home instead of switching to "being." Stephen shares a powerful realization that his wife could sense his mood before he even entered the house, highlighting how a man’s presence, or lack thereof, dictates the emotional safety of the entire family.
The conversation covers practical strategies for mastering your internal state, from the "Alpha Rise and Shine" morning routine to the importance of somatic work and breathwork. They break down why the relationship acts as a mirror, reflecting a man's internal distance or connection back to him. If you've ever felt a lack of physical intimacy or felt disconnected from your spouse, the answer likely lies in your willingness to be emotionally available and present.
Stop performing and start leading from a place of grounded authenticity. Learn how to stop being "in your head" and start being the man your family needs.
To learn more about how to reclaim your power and lead your marriage, visit https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales
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Stephen 0:00
She could sense my energy before I walked into the house.
Tim Matthews 0:03
It's an opportunity. In that moment, she's inviting you to connect.
Stephen 0:06
She would know before I even put my key in the door.
Tim Matthews 0:10
She could tell me that there's something going on for me days before I actually realized it.
Stephen 0:16
And she's maybe going to feel less safe because she doesn't know where I'm at.
Tim Matthews 0:19
Our energy as men often dictates the mood of the household.
Stephen 0:25
My daughter will be like, "Well, you tell us not to watch too much TV, but yet you run your phone all the time." All that hurts, because it's true.
Tim Matthews 0:43
Hello everybody. Welcome to another episode of the TPM Show. I am your host, Tim, with my guest, Mr. Stephen.
Stephen 0:51
Good afternoon.
Tim Matthews 0:55
How are you doing?
Stephen 0:55
I'm very good.
Tim Matthews 0:56
I'm great. I'm great. Great to be here. it's been fun. I'm enjoying myself. It's been fun. You're doing a great job again. Just in case this is the first time someone's heard you on the show, a quick 15-second intro, sure, and we'll go from there.
Stephen 1:12
Yeah. So, I'm a married business owner. Two kids four kids, actually two in this marriage, two in a previous one. I came to TPM about six years ago and have benefited massively from all those programs that you guys have to offer.
Tim Matthews 1:26
you've applied yourself, that's for sure. Thank you. So you had a topic.
Stephen 1:36
I did. I'm struggling to remember what it is now. Oh, energy, energy, energy, that's right, yeah. We were just talking before we started recording, and I was saying one of the biggest things I think that I've learned over the past five or six years has been about energy about my energy, the energy of other people, and how we channel it and influence the world around us with it, I suppose.
Tim Matthews 2:12
Share what you said about your wife.
Stephen 2:14
so something that she shared with me over conversations around energy was that she could sense my energy before I walked into the house. So she would know before I even put my key in the door whether I was coming in in a good mood or a bad mood.
Tim Matthews 2:34
From talking to you, or...?
Stephen 2:40
Sorry, in terms of?
Tim Matthews 2:42
Well, so before you come into the house, she's got your energy, yeah. Is that because you've connected with her on the way home?
Stephen 2:48
No, no, not at all. Really, really, really weird. and something that we had a conversation about on the back of my Alpha Reset, because there's a lot without giving too much away about what that involves but part of it is around your energy and how you receive it and give it out. And so we were talking about that, and she volunteered this wonderful little pearl of wisdom that she could sense my energy. And it wasn't that we were talking on the phone as I was driving home or anything like that. Just when I came in, she could tell. And also, on the back of that was me realizing that at times in the past, I would shut down how I was feeling if, when questioned, she'd say, "Oh, how are you feeling today?" Knowing that I wasn't feeling good, I would just shut it down with that one word, "fine," and move on so easily, and then wonder why we were very disconnected.
Tim Matthews 3:47
It's an opportunity. In that moment, she's inviting you to connect. absolutely. I think as guys, we can miss it. But also, I think it can be, at least in my experience and from working with and speaking to thousands of men at this point, very easy, as we are going about our day in kind of doing mode right? Getting things done, driven, driving things, solving problems to become disconnected from how you feel. So then when somebody asks, like your wife, "Hey, I'm sensing something. How are you doing?" oftentimes the guys can be in their head and respond from the head, rather than just taking a minute to check in and share how it is they're doing. Oftentimes, the guys don't know how they're doing. I think it's so powerful in that moment let's say it's your wife that's bringing it up to say, "I think I'm doing okay. I mean, I feel fine. I mean, why? What is it you're picking up?"
Stephen 5:00
And sometimes when I'm asked that question, I'm like, "Actually, good question. I'm not quite sure. Let me take a moment just to stop and think about it and stop and feel it." And it's also about creating safety as well, right, in a relationship 100%. When she says to me, "You're right," and she clearly knows I'm not, and I'm just shutting it down, I'm not connecting or being open and communicating with her on that. So she's maybe going to feel less safe because she doesn't know where I'm at.
Tim Matthews 5:33
100%, spot on. People often say the number one thing that a woman wants, or needs rather, in a relationship is emotional safety, and that can only happen through presence. So the number one currency that you can bring, that we as men can bring to a relationship, is presence. So I think, to your point, not only is it a really awesome opportunity to connect she's inviting you to connect, right? "Hey, how are you feeling?" that's an opportunity to share a little bit about your inner world. And to your point, the presence that has to take place in that moment also helps to build safety.
Stephen 6:19
And there's something around, you know, sometimes she'll say to me, "What's wrong with you?" which then it's very easy to get triggered into, "Oh, that's an accusation. I'm going to go into DEER mode. Nothing wrong with me. I'm fine." Not good, not good.
Tim Matthews 6:37
Oh, no way. I mean, the thing is, they're way more in tune emotionally than men are. Women are way, typically anyway bell-shaped curve more in tune emotionally than men are. So they can pick up on things that us guys just can't pick up on.
Stephen 6:55
It's wonderful. I see it with my wife and with our kids. She is so in tune with them. You know, I think I am, but I look at what she does.
Tim Matthews 7:04
It's a gift. Wow, it's a gift. Women have a gift with this, and if, as men, we are able to be confident in ourselves and grounded, we can receive that gift, and it can be an amazing complement to who we are and how we show up. Amelia just often sees things in me way before I do. She could literally tell me that there's something going on for me days before I actually realize it, which makes me sound a little bit ignorant, but it's true. Like resisting being a problem solver male pride I want to be the guy that figures it out, right? There's some of that that can come in at times. And also, there are times when I'm just too busy, or I feel too busy to really pay attention. It's only when I sit with it and slow down in my ARS, or a journal, or whatever it may be, that I realize that there's something there something within what she's said that you start to unpick. But I think it'd be really powerful if, in that moment, I made an effort to be as intentional about turning toward her: "Tell me more. What do you see? Why do you see that? What's giving you that impression? Interesting. Okay, I'm going to reflect on that this week."
Stephen 8:41
it's being curious, isn't it? Because I think another factor in this is that we've all been kind of raised and conditioned to be, well, if you're not feeling great, just push on. Just push it down and power through. Just keep going you know, the sort of stiff upper lip mentality that doesn't serve anybody. To take the time, as you say, to stop, that's interesting, and get curious.
Tim Matthews 9:05
Exactly. And again, it takes a minute, two minutes. But I think you said something before that when you understand our energy as men often dictates the mood of the household.
Stephen 9:21
another big revelation for me.
Tim Matthews 9:23
100%. Oftentimes, we hear from the guys that they think it's the woman's mood. It's not; it's the guy's mood, and the woman is often responding to where he is at. One of the theories that I love to lean on when I'm working with the guys is the idea that the relationship serves as a mirror. Oftentimes, the complaints that you experience in your relationship, if you were to look at them, are reflecting back to you the way in which you are or aren't showing up. So oftentimes, guys will say they want more or complain about a lack of physical intimacy, yet the physical side is a result of the emotional side. The distance that they're feeling in the relationship can often be the distance they're feeling within themselves. The lack of physical connection can often reflect the lack of emotional connection. Until they're willing to become emotionally available, open, and stay present and grounded in that space, the physical connection is always going to elude them. Point being that the guy's energy very much dictates and influences the mood and the energy of the household. I came up on a call with the Inner Circle yesterday, one of our high-level masterminds. One of the guys was talking about his young son and getting his son ready for school. He said, "If I go into him in the morning and I have the time to talk to him in a way whereby I get him on side, I ask him whether he wants to be cooperative or challenging."
Doug Holt 11:07
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I'm sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what's broken. And not only do you need to know what's broken, but you also need a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That's the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you're going to be toiling with things. That's why I created a free training a training that not only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have, but also how you get it back. How do you retain that feeling where your wife is looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said, "I do"? You know, I don't know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I'm her man, I feel like I can conquer the world, and I want that for you. Simply go over to thepowerfulman.com/scales. That's thepowerfulman.com/scales, and I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates for you. Now, back to the podcast.
Tim Matthews 12:10
Then he always says "cooperative" in the morning. It goes better when I don't have the time. Obviously, we pulled up on it the issue wasn't time. The issue was intention. Point being is, if he goes in there with a rushed, chaotic, impatient energy, his son invariably mirrors that and reflects it, becoming difficult. He then gets more annoyed, his son becomes more difficult, and it doesn't go well. The point I was getting to well, the point that started this was you said something to the effect of, "If I was to really own the fact that my energy is the one that influences, then there's pressure there to always be, to never have a bad day, to always be on and up." To which I said, "Well, no, because in that moment where you're not having a good day, there is an opportunity for connection, where you share in a vulnerable way what's going on for you."
Stephen 13:16
There certainly is, and at times something me and Jane, my wife, have done is we've sort of started the day sharing with each other where we are on a scale of one to five in terms of energy. Because by sharing that and being a bit vulnerable, we can work as a team better. If, on a day, her energy is a four and mine is at a two, we've been open about it and can then give each other a bit of grace or support, or whatever is needed, so that between us, we've got a three or whatever for the day. So we can work together on that. That's good. That's connecting.
Tim Matthews 13:51
For sure. I think oftentimes the guys fall into a trap of thinking they need to be perfect, and it's a performance at that point. And if you're performing, you're not present. A performance is the opposite of authenticity, and it's authenticity that creates connection. That's where the cleanest energy comes from guys being authentic, grounded, and present. So on this idea of energy, what have been the things that you have seen that have made the biggest impact for you with your energy at home?
Stephen 14:31
The biggest thing, without any shadow of a doubt, is the Alpha Rise and Shine. What I do in the morning to set myself up in the best possible way in terms of getting outside into the garden, standing on the grass, feeling the earth under my feet, whatever the weather. I was telling people about this a week or two ago at an event I was at, and they're like, "Well, what do you do if it's raining?" Get outside. "What do you do if it's snowing?" Get out there. "If it's dark?" Yeah. Is it better at this time of the year when it's a beautiful early sunrise? Of course it is, because you just feel on fire with energy. But getting out there, that's it getting moving, getting some exercise or something. Gratitude in particular, just taking a few moments before because, like many people, our house in the morning is a bit hustle and bustle. We've got kids to get up and coerce into getting dressed, getting fed, and getting to school. It can get tense, but when my energy is on point, that just flows out. So I'd say that's the biggest. That, and breathwork just taking a breath every now and again, breathing out, and everything relaxes.
Tim Matthews 15:46
I think not having caffeine first thing in the morning is important.
Stephen 15:53
Or too late. The other thing with energy is the other end of the day. I was in a habit a while ago of having too much coffee into the afternoon and into the evening, and then wondering why I wasn't sleeping.
Tim Matthews 16:05
I think the Alpha Rise and Shine is key getting that sunlight early in the morning, having water, just starting your day with some grounded intention. Exercise is absolutely key. I think gratitude, to your point, is key. Nature is huge. I was going to say doing something for yourself so filling your cup. I mean, all those things are examples of filling your cup, but still doing something intentionally to fill your cup, like going and being around other men. Absolutely. Doing something vigorous hiking, sport, whatever it may be just going and being around other men as well. There's so much power in that.
Stephen 16:50
Definitely, yeah. And it doesn't have to be you know, when I started with TPM, at first I thought my Alpha Rise and Shine had to be something that was like three hours long and that I had to do all the things. And actually, it doesn't. Sometimes, I have versions of it. If there's a time where I'm pressed for time because something else happens, if I can get a couple of those touchpoints covered off even if it's just going and standing outside for a minute or two, drinking some water those little habits that I know I do every single day, or more or less every single day, can make a difference. Because I know I've done something for me, just to take a moment. I'll tell you a big one as well: not going anywhere near my mobile phone before starting the day. Absolutely nothing before eight or nine in the morning, so that I'm at least starting with a clear head. Yes, so much more gets done.
Tim Matthews 17:46
It's huge. There was a guy in the Ascension Blueprint right now. He said that the number one thing that's been the biggest difference for him within his Alpha Rise and Shine is not checking his phone. Before, he would wake up, check his phone, look at his emails, and respond to emails before he even got out of bed. I've been there, right? But you forget how much it just gets the nervous system triggered into fight or flight.
Stephen 18:16
energetic change oh, huge. Presence as well. If I'm trying to get the family up and out, I have to be present to do that. And the more present you are, the easier it is. The kids in particular spot that stuff. If your energy's off, if you're distracted, if you're being pulled into your phone, my kids will call it out. My daughter will be like, "Well, you tell us not to watch too much TV, but yet you run your phone." All that hurts, yeah.
Tim Matthews 18:42
Because it's true. I think as well, a big piece of this is one of the exercises we do with the guys is, in fact, we won't go into too much detail about that because we do that in the Reset. One of the exercises the listeners could do is to take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left-hand column at the top, put a minus sign; on the right-hand column at the top, put a plus. Then make a list of all the things that charge you up they go on the positive side and all the things that drain you. How can you then get rid of or eliminate as many of those things on the drain list as possible? Make it fun play a game with yourself. It could be projects that you're involved in that you don't want to be involved in. It could be people that you're around, be it people on your team, places you go, or conversations you're in. It could be habits that you have that you don't want to continue. It can be so easy to fall into the trap of saying yes to things that you don't want to do, and over the course of years, you just end up in this position where your life is full of these vanilla, dull, frustrating, draining activities places and people that you just don't want in your life. So I think a big piece of your energy being on point is actually living a life that you enjoy doing things you enjoy, being with people you enjoy, making memories, having meaningful moments, working on meaningful things, growing, and contributing. But so many people put that off: "Oh, well, when I've done this, then I'll do that." Have–Do–Be versus Be–Do–Have. Beautiful. Anything else you want to add before we leave the episode?
Stephen 20:45
Anything else on energy? Just to well, the only other thing I would say is to not fall into the trap of trying to mirror someone else's energy. Stay confident and grounded in your own. If your wife is not in a good mood, I’ve fallen into the trap in the past of thinking, "Oh, she's not in a good mood, so I'm not going to be in a good mood." And that's not to say you shouldn't show empathy for somebody who's maybe not having a great time, but at the same time, if you just mirror their energy, then you're not being yourself.
Tim Matthews 21:19
I think somatic work is a big thing we've not touched on. I mean, you touched on it a little bit with breathwork, but it's key. Because if your body is in a constant state of fight or flight, your nervous system is in a constant state of fight or flight whether that's from experiences you've had in your life, developmental trauma, childhood trauma, or the way in which you've structured your days, weeks, and years you've got to get your body out of that fight-or-flight mode. Because while you're in that state, you're going to be in your head, and when you're in your head, that's where there can be stories, anxiety, depression, and all these things that go on. You've heard the saying, "If you're in your head, you're dead." It's so true. So you've got to find ways to get into your body and do the work to move into a more grounded, relaxed state. There are tons of tools we give the guys to do it. Some of my favorites you've mentioned here: grounding so earthing, barefoot on the grass breathwork, and journaling. Journaling is different from somatics, but it gives me clarity. I find the clearer I am, the better my energy is.
Stephen 22:45
There's something somatic about writing rather than typing, though, isn't there?
Tim Matthews 22:48
For sure, for sure. But anyway, I just want to make that point. We could go down a whole rabbit hole on somatics, but it's absolutely key. Beautiful. Okay, nice. Glad you brought this. So guys, thank you for joining us. You heard it from the man himself, the king of cheese energy is so important. Your energy is the one that dictates the mood of the household, so use it wisely. And if you want to find out anything about what we do here at TPM, send an email to vip@thepowerfulman.com that's VIP, very important person, at thepowerfulman.com and we'll see you next time on the TPM Show.