Episode #882
Ever feel like every disagreement with your wife spirals out of control? It doesn’t have to be that way.
In this episode, we’ll break down engaged indifference—a game-changing mindset that keeps you from getting sucked into unnecessary conflict. You’ll learn to avoid falling into “DEER mode” (defend, excuse, explain, react) and stay calm, even when your wife’s in a mood. Plus, I’ll teach you how to help her shift from masculine energy into a more peaceful, feminine space, which is key for better communication.
These small adjustments can make a huge difference. Tune in and discover how to build a more connected, peaceful relationship.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
Imagine that your wife is the woman down the street complaining about her husband, not you. And when you can do that, and you can just listen—because you’ve had guys, you’ve had a woman complain about another man to you, and it didn’t bother you at all because it wasn’t you—you could just listen. You could hold space for her. You could have empathy for her. You probably felt connection as she was sharing all this stuff. Because really, what she’s doing is dumping all her berries, right? We talk about this in our course. She’s attacking a situation she can’t deal with.
Hey guys, welcome back to the TPM show, and today, once again, I’m gonna answer another viewer’s questions. This one comes from Derek. Derek says, “Hey Doug, can you give us more examples of engaged indifference and ways to handle this to avoid going into DEER mode?” Now, if you’re newer to the show, DEER is an acronym that we use at TPM for Defend, Excuse, Explain, React. Men go into DEER mode when their wife triggers them, right? They get defensive when their wife attacks. They make excuses about their actions, or they over-explain why they did something. And the “R”—the one that a lot of us do, which I certainly used to do the most—is react, right? So, that’s what he’s asking about here. He said, “Here’s an example: my wife comes home and is just in a mood. I try to utilize The Hidden Motives Technique but get my head bit off for the effort.” I’m paraphrasing here, Derek, but how would you handle this without going into “Well, screw you too” or avoiding it for fear of escalation?
So, this is a great question. Derek is essentially asking, “Hey, how do I practice engaged indifference when my wife comes in, and she’s just in a mood, and if I try to do anything else, like hidden motives, she bites my head off? How do I avoid escalating or just going into ‘Well, screw you’ energy?” So let’s talk about escalating and the “screw you” energy first. I did both of these, by the way, Derek, so I think every guy here can relate to it. The “screw you” energy is a teenager energy, right? You’re going into a teenager type mode when you’re in that energy—”Well, screw you then.” That’s what a teenager does, and that’s not what the WOLF is. WOLF is an acronym we use for Wise, Open, Loving, and Fierce. So, we want to stay out of teenager mode, which you noted in your question.
Now, why does it escalate? That is part of DEER mode because it’s a reaction. But when you have two masculine energies, two alphas if you will, they butt heads. So, Derek, let’s just say it’s you and I. This would never happen between us, Derek, but let’s use this as an analogy or example. Let’s say you and I are in a room together, and we’re standing up, facing each other, and I rise up on you. What are you going to do? Well, you’re going to puff up your chest. You’re going to get bigger, and it’s going to keep escalating until one of us backs down, or both of us, or we’re going to get into a fight, right? That’s the theory, right? You and I aren’t going to fight ever, but you get what I’m saying. Two masculine energies rise until one gives in. You see this all over the animal kingdom. One gives in, or you fight to figure out who wins. Now, you’re not going to do this with a woman. So, when your wife comes in and things start to escalate, if they’re escalating, that means she’s in her masculine energy, okay? She’s not in her feminine energy because you’ve probably been in your feminine energy. No offense; I was in mine. I didn’t understand it back then, but you probably are in yours. And the reason I went into this mode with my wife was because I knew that if it kept escalating, there would be a problem. I was going to yell, scream, say things I couldn’t take back, or I would just walk away.
In relationships, that’s what I usually chose to do when I was dating. If it got to a point where it was going to be a fight, I would just leave the situation because I thought that was the more manly or gentlemanly thing to do. I’m not going to fight you. I never hit a woman, never pushed a woman, and never laid my hands on a woman, so I would walk away. I thought I was being the bigger guy. Turns out I wasn’t. What I was doing was retreating instead of diffusing the situation, like I’ve learned to do now, and really recognizing it for what it is, using engaged indifference. I hope that’s helpful. Let me know if you have any other questions, and we’ll see you next time on the TPM show.
