Episode #9
In this episode, Tim & Doug ask Are you paying the price for past mistakes? Past mistakes or negatives in our lives have a tendency to stay within us in some way and unless you address them and forgive yourself for them they can sabotage your future progress. So many of us go through life without realizing that we are making the same mistakes repeatedly.
Do you ever feel like you are on a never-ending treadmill of constantly living on groundhog day?
Do you tell yourself and other people that everything is great when truthfully it isn’t?
The reason may be that you are sabotaging your own progression due to past mistakes
Tim shares some very personal stories of mistakes and difficult periods in his life, and how he came to terms with and overcame them so that he could become the person he wanted to be. Central to this was Tim getting a coach, which allowed him to open up to his past mistakes, understand them, and move on so that they no longer held him back.
Use this episode to better understand how negative past experiences can hold and how you can come clean and become the powerful man you want to be.
What you will discover in this episode:
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- The underlying currents and beliefs that can hold you back
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- How to discover where suppressing emotions come from
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- How to stop being a people pleaser and how to be the person you want to be
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- The importance of opening up to your emotions.
- Ways to come to terms with your past mistakes.
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Episode Transcript
Tim Matthews 0:00
When I got a coach when it started to open up for me, I started to see what was going on and what had been ruining my life. On the front, the line I was telling myself was that I have my shit together. But, beneath all of that, I did it. And I was afraid to surrender.
Good day, gentlemen, and potentially any ladies out there as well. Welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. I’m your host, Tim Matthews, and I am joined by the beautiful, remarkable Mr. Doug Holt. How are you, sir?
Doug Holt 0:44
I’m doing excellent. Thank you so much, and you can introduce me that way. Anytime you want, man. How are you doing?
Tim Matthews 0:50
Yeah, phenomenal. You know what? I think this may be episode number six, seven, or even eight. And I’ve been willing to introduce you like that ever since we began. So it was my absolute honor and delight to be able to do that. And so Doug, I’m going to dive straight into this. Because this is a question that I’ve been considering quite a lot from the men that we’ve been dealing with over the past few years, but even more so, this has been coming up a present, and the question is, are you paying the price? Are you paying the price today for mistakes you’ve made in the past?
Doug Holt 1:33
Good question. We see this come up all the time with the guys. It’s almost like Groundhog’s Day, it’s kind of that movie, Groundhog’s Day where Bill Murray’s in there. And every time he wakes up, it’s the same story over and over and over again.
Tim Matthews 1:46
Oh, yeah. I mean, for the guys that we’ve been speaking with, the reason why this has been playing on my mind so much is that this week, in particular, there have been four or five guys that I’ve spoken to as soon as they come into the program. And the common theme for them was the guilt and the shame and the resentment that they were carrying towards themselves from mistakes that they made in the past and unknowing to them, they were hanging on to it, but then condemning themselves to a life in the present that they don’t like or enjoy, because underneath it all, they didn’t feel like they deserved to be happy and to have the success that they wanted. So although they were going out there and taking the actions and doing the work, and one of two things happened, they either achieved results but cannot enjoy it or sabotage themselves. And he does feel like Groundhog Day. I know I was deaf for many years and just the frustration that I used to experience from not knowing what was going on. I wake up in the morning, and I’ve been fired up to go about the day committed a bit focused on I felt like I was doing all the right things, all the things that everybody in the personal development space will tell you to do you know the whole motivation, the morning routine working out and journaling, I was doing everything. Still, no matter what I did, somewhere, somehow, I would always seem to sabotage myself. If I made money, then find its way away from me. I then spend it to feel good. I’d splurge because, again, unknowing to me just like the men that we’ve been speaking to this week. Underneath it all, I didn’t feel deserving of having what I desired. It was a frustrating time for me.
Doug Holt 3:44
So what did you do, Tim, to break that cycle for yourself?
Tim Matthews 3:49
What did I do to break that cycle for myself? If I’m quite honest, I got a coach. And it’s quite ironic that I said, I don’t say that just to do a pitch. I got a coach, and how it came about was I became friends with someone I met, a guy who was working his business online. He was working from anywhere in the world earning more money and helping more people. And it was a real-life example of everything that I read about and everything that I watched. He was the real-life example right there in front of me of what was possible. I was blown away like I was blown away by this guy who is also going to make it seem that he did not seem like he was living this lifestyle. And back then, I had fitness franchise fitness for a month. And I was grinding it out. And I wore that as a badge of honor. I remember going to bed some nights and thinking, Okay, how many hours did I work today?
Sixteen hours, our feeling of contentment came over me because I’ve worked so hard, showing and taking all his action and his massive to-do list, as love ticking things off, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And when I met him, the thing that stood out to me about him, or one of the things that stood out to me about him was how easy his life was, and how he embraced that. And how that was a real area of pride for him. And something I just didn’t understand, because my model of success was that if you didn’t work hard, and it wasn’t worth having. Perseverance again, all those things that the early personal development work that I did, taught us to believe, taught me to believe and told me to do. So when I got chimed to him and asked him, how do you do it? He told me that he had a coach. And I always used to think that coaching was something that was so far out of my reach outside of my reach. And I never even considered it in our very much as a lone wolf. And I’ve listened to audiobooks in my car, I’ve read books, I’d speak to people, but very much kept my problems to myself. And it was almost as though I didn’t want to admit a weakness. So I admit defeat, in case anyone deemed it as a weakness. I then didn’t appear to be that man that everyone thought I was out a while that whole mask. And when I met this friend of mine, and now my life had hit rock bottom in many respects, I just ended a relationship that I’ve been in for seven years. And in fact, we’re engaged with the wedding, we bought the house, and we did not turn everything in. And I called all off because I just, it was a very abusive relationship on many different levels. I have just been robbed of 10s of thousands of pounds in a bad business deal.
I should never have got into our desperation, and the fitness franchise is hard and is complete chaos. I was attracting problem clients, and I was working long hours, I wasn’t charging for my services, I was putting out fires in every area of my life, so to speak, to see this guy in front of me just blew me away. And when he told me how to coach, in all honesty, I didn’t take any action on it at first, let the weeks go by months go by staying in contact with this guy, I am looking back. I don’t know how he’s trying to kid because I think it was a pride thing. I just didn’t want to surrender to the fact that I needed help if you will. When I got a coach, it started to open up for me that I started to see what was going on and what had been running my life. I’ve never, ever considered that I had low self-worth. I’ve never considered it; I was a good looking guy out there. You know, I’d get stuff done in the gym and get stuff done in business. On the front, the lie I was telling myself is that I had my shit together. But, beneath all of that, I didn’t. And I was afraid to surrender to that. When I got this coach, he highlighted some things to me that were going on, because we can’t see our blind spots. When we are that far in the forest, sometimes you just can’t see the trees, it’s difficult sometimes to fly a bird’s eye view and take inventory of what’s going on. And that’s what this coach did for me. And that is what sparked to change.
Doug Holt 8:58
That’s awesome, man. I mean, you did the things. Well, he did a couple of things. One is you raised your hand, right? And you said, hey, look, something’s going on here. And I could use a little help. And that takes a lot of courage. Not many people are willing to step into that courage, and that’s why many people experienced this Groundhog Day. Time and time again because they’re hiding out through this. You know this fake machismo, and as you said, the mask of everything’s great. And they know it’s not, and they get home and this date themselves a common thing right guys, sit on the couch and crack a few beers, watch Monday Night Football if you’re in the States. If you’re in the UK or Europe, you know you’re watching soccer or what have you. But you know, you just check out you don’t want anybody to know. It’s like you go to those networking events, and you see everybody’s walking around with a cheesy smile. They’re not that happy. It’s a similar thing, right?
Tim Matthews 9:50
Yeah, completely. I can remember that a group of friends was hard back then. I work in a complete mask. I did look back. And I knew I was wearing it, and I kind of knew that I was wearing it. And the way that I knew that I was wearing it is because I could feel that something wasn’t right. And I could feel the lies that I was telling, and there wasn’t that wasn’t telling the truth, in terms of what was going on in my life. I was telling the truth, but the lie was that I didn’t want any of it. And the lie was, like you just said, telling people how I felt. You know, how are you doing? Yeah, I’m great, I’m great. When in reality, I felt like shit, and I was burnt out. And I was overworked, and I felt very lonely; I felt like I couldn’t tell any of my friends back then actually, I didn’t know anybody in personal development. Tom, the guy, one of my good friends, he was the first guy I met who was into this kind of world. So all the guys I was surrounded by down at the pub it was all bravado we go down there to be talking about, again, how hard they worked, they’ve been learning about the jobs they’ve been running about the partners. It just wasn’t a very empowering conversation to be part of nothing against them by any means. I still have a lot of love and respect for them. But I wanted something different for my life. And I didn’t know anybody in personal development.
So again, I felt very lonely. I didn’t feel like I had anyone to talk to, to be honest, my ex-girlfriend at the time. She just didn’t support me at all. She didn’t support my hopes, my dreams, my desires. I remember I used to listen to audiobooks in my car. And this one time, this happened multiple times. But just one time, I picked her up from work, then she got into the car. And I had I think it’s Tony Robbins, the classic audiobook on and she just went in the car was like, “Oh no! What is this?! Turn it off!” I was like, I don’t like really? Is there any need for that kind of reaction? Like, come on. I then picked her up in her car once when I was doing the same thing. And she got in, she had the same reaction to it, “But this is my car! You don’t listen to this in my car!” And I just thought, all right, well, when I pick up my car, listen to it, and I’m going to pick up my car still, the same reaction. The point I’m making is she didn’t support my hopes or dreams. Not even that she had to, not even that waiver to show interest in them, but just supporting them. And it was another example of where I was settling and sacrificing my own life. And our fear, to be honest, you know, this is somebody that I then proposed to, and booked a wedding with, and bought a house with, which all was out of people-pleasing, and neediness and desperation. But yeah, I just felt very, very alone. I didn’t have anyone to speak to about this. And I think that was one of the reasons why it went on for so long.
Doug Holt 13:16
Hey, guys, I had to interrupt this show because I want to talk to you about a case study we put together; it’s only 11 minutes. And what we do is we go over and show you how almost 300 men have taken control of their lives have already had 4X of business revenue, and are having more connected intimate sex with their partner using The Activation Method. And they’re doing all of this without burning down their relationships. And without suffering and sacrificing their health. We want you to have this too. So go over to https://www.thepowerfulman.com/bonus/, the number 11 one, one, and get this right now. It’s only 11 minutes, and it’s going to show you exactly how these men have done it. Alright, let’s get back to the episode.
It’s interesting as you’re talking about this, I can help you beat you know, I talked about this on our last show but took back to the last Alpha Reset. And some of the exercises we took some of the men through that had this common complaint. And what happens is, there’s an underlying current that’s running for a lot of these guys, right? It’s running the show for them and women, they’re listening to this, but obviously, it’s The Powerful Man. And the underlying current is a current of beliefs and a current of fears. And until you’re willing to peel back the layers and do the work, the deep work that counts, you will always be operated by that underlying current. We often talk about it. Okay, well, where’s the underlying current come from? Well, it comes from us as kids, 5, 6, 7, 8. Let’s even just say that it’s our 15-year-old self, but most likely when we deal with these guys that something would take them back to about when they’re five or six, And that’s when we’re building kind of our roadmaps of life, like the way things should be. Right? The common joke Tim, though you and I will use with these guys, is, have you taken time to look at these belief systems underlying these patterns? And most of these guys say no. Then we asked them, okay, well, where did you first start thinking of this? Of course, they hem and haw, because they don’t want to go there. But we get them to go there, and they start talking about, oh, when I was six years old, this happened that’s when I decided that this is the way life should be. And they started living their life that way. And of course, you throw it out there, you know, hey, look, would you allow a six-year-old to drive your car? Would you allow a six-year-old to run your business? Would you allow a six-year-old to make decisions in relationships? And the answer is obviously no. Yet day to day to day, these guys are doing it. And that’s why they’re experiencing Groundhog’s Day, right? It’s the same thing, no matter what they’re doing. They’re bringing their old self, their underlying beliefs, and fears into these situations time and time again, without actually doing the deep work to clear that and rewrite that story.
Tim Matthews 16:08
That’s exactly how well one of how they’re paying the price of death mistakes are made in the past. For me, there were a couple of key elements that came from the coach, first off, pointing out what was going on. And the first shift for me was experiencing some of the emotions I’ve been suppressing all my life and identifying where they came from. A lot of it came from the relationship that I had with my father, the lack of love that I received, and the fear-based environment that I grew up in. Now for most of my life, as you know, I didn’t feel like myself for my family, which is a very weird feeling to return home, and for yourself to shut down as you walk through the door. And just want to go under the radar in your own home; it’s a very weird feeling. I could remember being out of the home and feeling free and feeling happy and boisterous and being loved and all that kind of stuff, then coming home and treading on eggshells around my father. He did it his way, and he did it the best to do it with the tools he had at the time. And but the truth of it is, me being a six-year-old like you’re talking about seven-year-olds, I’m forming my model of view of the world and how this world operates. And who must I be in this world to stay safe, loved and protected, are very much I took on a belief that for me to stay safe, loved and protected, I must go into the read, I can’t speak my voice. I’ve got to people to please. And because they lack the love and connection that I received from my father, and my love language is words of affirmation of physical touch. But that didn’t give me either of those. It didn’t tell me how good I was. When I did things, well, it didn’t praise me; you didn’t celebrate me. And he also didn’t show me affection through coax kisses through eye contact. And as a result, in our take on the belief that I wasn’t good enough. And it wasn’t even a mistake that I made in the passion of time this show is, are you paying the price to deer for mistakes you made in the past? For me, it wasn’t even a mistake per se that I’ve made in the past, I was paying prices when I was, you know, 22 or 23 when I started my first business, and I couldn’t understand why it was such a struggle that I went into the launch the fitness business and the fitness franchise and all the different businesses the same problems kept showing up. And the problems, the one around creativity, around having ideas, or having the motivation to get the ideas done. They weren’t around anything to do with that; they were around money, self-worth, and leadership. There are those kinds of elements. And that’s where I then started to fall and pay the price; however, then fell when I was 5, 6, 7 years old. I was bringing that into, I said today, but when I was 28 or 29, I brought it into that day in that year. And I couldn’t, and I was literally like I said at the start of the show condemning myself to a life I didn’t like or enjoy because, underneath all of it, I didn’t feel like I deserved it. And when I started to work with this coach, the first thing was to hold that mirror up and acknowledge my blind spots, identify where it came from, as I said, and then actually start to release and let go of some of the anger and the shame and the guilt. And the sadness that I’ve been suppressing and holding on to all my life, from the lack of love and affection and connection, they experienced my father and all the frustration that I felt myself and other people have encountered in my life, the relationships primarily, but sacrificed, and people pleased. And I’m sure he can feel me right now. He’s gobbling up the same emotions right now. We’re just “Fucking hell! What was I doing?”
Another element of this is forgiving yourself too. It was really important for me to forgive myself, rather than just continue to beat myself up. Just accept it and become aware of it, accept it, and then I’ll allow myself to be who I am. So I can do what I want. And then have what I deserve.
Doug Holt 21:06
Be-Do-Have, I love it.
Tim Matthews 21:10
Exactly. We all know what you and I, and the men we work with, we all know, it starts there for so long that I was going from the mentality of Do-Have-Be do the action for most of my life. So I can have the money or the car or whatever. And then I’ll be happy, be fulfilled, but it never works.
Doug Holt 21:36
No, it doesn’t. I mean that it’s hard to sell stuff that way. You can sell stuff to people when you’re like, Hey, you could just be happy now. Like, what if it was just easy for you? Like, what? No, no, you’ll be happy when you buy my XYZ product when you make this money when you get the girl when you get the trout trip. And it never turns out to be that case. Tim, in wrapping this up and packaging it for people listening, because I imagine and I’m certain it was going through so many stories in my head, as you were telling yours to somebody listening to this, it’s like, Hey, I get it, I’m, I keep beating my head against the wall. And I’m not getting anywhere like in other words, and I’m paying the prices for my past choices. What are a couple of things that you would tell them right now as key takeaways?
Tim Matthews 22:23
A couple of things. The first one would be for you to drop the judgment. One of the things that block us from being able to actually except where it wasn’t what was going on were the judgments I had around it being right or wrong, or good or bad, we call strong. I was best in those judgments from everybody else’s view of what success was and what it meant to be a man. And when I was able to drop the judgment and accept it just is what it is. One feeling is just one feeling. Sadness isn’t a bad emotion; there is no such thing as good and bad emotions, they’re all emotions, and they all serve an equal purpose. So the first thing I would recommend is for you to drop the judgment and accept where you’re at. And then the second thing would be for you to create a space where you can start to express some of what you’re feeling. Whether it is anger, sadness, shame, guilt, resentment, there are different things you can do to do that. For me, with my father, I had a conversation with him; I asked him if he was proud of me. And it was the most powerful conversation I have ever had. It was phenomenal; it completely eroded a lot of the beliefs that I had will live with for 28 or 29 years of my life. And I shared with him how I didn’t feel good enough, and what I used to choose to believe when I’d come home, and I’d walk on eggshells, and how I didn’t feel like he loved me and everything, it was a powerful conversation. So maybe that’s where you get to start. And maybe you get to start by having that conversation with the person that you feel like you’ve not been able to be good enough with, whether it’s your father or your mother or your wife, or your kids or whatever, and just says sorry apologize for any role you played in it. We often find that we’ve built this story up in our minds and layered it with so much emotion. And we’ve changed it so much by reliving it over and over in our minds that when you have these conversations with these people and apologize, are so proud of you, whatever. They don’t even remember the day or the experience that caused you to feel the way you did. They were never holding on to any guilt or resentment toward you in the first place. We just made it up ourselves. In my opinion, you can do right now and help you stop paying the price today for mistakes you made in the past.
Doug Holt 25:13
Beautiful man. I love it. Guys, you hear right there from the man himself. This is such a powerful conversation to be had. I’d recommend you listen to this once again, Tim sharing gold here. Awesome stuff, brother.
Tim Matthews 25:29
Thank you, man.
Doug Holt 25:30
Well, that’s it for this episode. Tim. I know we got a lot going on. We got to another inner circle retreat coming up here with the guys flying in from all over the world that we get to prep with and get going. So for everybody listening, thanks for being with us today. And we look forward to seeing you in the next episode.
Tim Matthews 25:46
Yeah, guys.
