Episode #20
“We’re all on the way out so we may as well enjoy it!”
The quote that sums up the premise of this weeks’ episode as Tim & Doug discuss the importance of sticking to your word. Have you ever found you miss appointments, cancel meetings, or don’t follow through on things you say you will do with your family or in your business? This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, just that you are committing to too many things that you are not passionate about.
In this episode, you will discover how to better understand your inner workings and the lies you may be telling yourself so that you can spend more time doing the things that you are really passionate about and not burn yourself out with other things.
Tim & Doug share techniques you can put into action immediately to filter out things you are saying yes to but not following through on because you don’t have the passion for it. Discover how you can live a much more fulfilling work and personal life by saying “no”.
What you will discover in this episode:
- Why we fall into a trap of not honoring our word
- How saying “no” can help
- How to avoid people-pleasing
- A technique you can use so you only say yes to the things you are passionate about
- How to improve your self-discipline
- What to do if you find yourself in a pattern of not honoring your word
- The importance of accountability
- How to make the most of your time
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Episode Transcript
Tim Matthews 0:04
For those guys, their biggest lessons are discovering who they are or what they want and the two biggest questions: “Who am I?” “What do I want it cuz you can not only understand your word, not knowing the answer to those two questions.
Doug Holt 0:22
Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthews. Tim, what’s happening, brother?
Tim Matthews 0:32
Oh, how are you doing? I’m doing
Doug Holt 0:34
Doing great man is fantastic.
Tim Matthews 0:37
Nice. How are you? Yeah, I am doing phenomenal, too. As you know, I was in a ceremony over the weekend that was very profound. It was your wave out of all the lessons and insights and inspiration I took away from that time; it was a very painful experience. Other times, it was a very enlightening experience. But
Doug Holt 1:03
Overall, I’m doing phenomenally well and you and I both have been through so much personal growth and spiritual growth over our journey. It was awesome to hear about your experience with this time and how amazing it was. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about. I think that should be another episode altogether. Because I know a lot of people ask us questions about that. I want to talk about today, Tim, is, you know, where men aren’t honoring their word? Where are they lying to themselves to other people? Where are they not honoring their word? What do you think?
Tim Matthews 1:42
Wow, um, why are they not honoring their word? There are so many ways to protect it because, for me, my journey, one thing that I constantly, honestly struggle with, but an idea that I’m always playing with is that idea of flexibility. But while also taking radical responsibility for my results. I found for me that it doesn’t necessarily work for me to be rigid, to the point whereby I exclude any spontaneity in my life. For example, if I say I’m going to get up at 7 am to hit the gym, but it turns out, I wake up at seven, tired, sleep long, a little bit longer, and go to the gym a little bit later and change my day around as a result. Now, that’s sometimes okay. I think, you know, one of the keys here, Doug, is, for me, that flexibility and that radical responsibility still take me to the same result. So it’s not necessarily about not digging my heels and having been super rigid, the point whereby I exclude any of my ability to flow, but it is about still achieving the end outcome. And I know that for me, in my journey, something that in the past, I struggled with, a lot where I didn’t, my word was particularly in my diet, you know, I would say that I was going to, we were, and the meals and I, I set the Keystone habits, they make it easy for me to succeed. Somehow, someway I would then reach for some food that wasn’t necessarily as healthy was never, I don’t mean shit. It’s not like rubbish, but there are levels too. It wasn’t as clean as it could have been. I wasn’t honoring my word there, and for a time, I allowed myself to justify why that was okay. Well, I was like, “You’ve just been on calls, and you’ve coached all these men, and you’ve expended all this emotional energy, and you’re tired, and at seven o’clock, you don’t enjoy cooking, and it’s okay,” go ahead and go out and have that curry or have that whatever.
But, what was going on in the process of not honoring my word, I was then, basically, not trustworthy. It didn’t strengthen; it didn’t cultivate a positive self-image; it detracted from it if anything. We speak about this a lot with the men in The Activation Method, and they’re using that coil, and the coil is the tribe’s intentional living. And it’s a productivity tool and a productivity planner, and every week to have a score of 35. Now, the beauty of the coil is that they set the rules again, to get a maximum of one point per day and the five areas of your life are this health, wealth, self-relationship, the point by doing what you say you’re going to do, honoring your word. If you write too many things down in your coil and don’t get them all done, get the point. And if you’re struggling to get points, is great feedback for you taking on too much? Or are you just saying yes to things that are a “No,”? Sometimes you’re not in the past for me; I’ve got, I used to be in the habit of just wanting to do everything and wanting to say yes, to so many things. And I would overestimate what I was capable of doing and getting done and achieving. As a result, I was busy and not productive, which made it difficult to honor my word, which then reinforced more of a negative self-image, I was relying on willpower a lot every day, and it was tough. It was tough to achieve the progress and success I desired. one of the things for me that made it a lot easier for me to honor my word that nothing we speak about a lot is “Fuck yes” or “Fuck no.” You and I have been studying essentialism or words. And it feeds into that being clear on what you are asking to say yes to and making sure that fully aligned and have created a space in your life to reflect and review on what is a “Fuck yes” for you. Because if your life is full of things that when you say, yeah, but is a no. You naturally are not going to want to do it, you’re not going to honor your word; you’re going to beat yourself up. The standards are going to slip, you’re going to feel shame, you’re going to get into a cycle, and you’re going to drink more beer or eat more food, you’re going to sleep him more, it’s a repeating cycle, it’s a repeating pattern. And you want to get to the root of it to change it.
Doug Holt 6:57
So true. It all starts with yourself, right? The lies that we tell ourselves and the more and more you follow this pattern, this cycle, as you were saying, the more you will build up resistance to trusting yourself, right. So when you say you’re going to do something internally, you’re just not going to believe yourself. For those listening to this, most of the men who come to the powerful men are business owners and their husbands and fathers. When you’re doing this, and you’ve built up this wall, it was just a resistance to trusting yourself, that comes out in your word, right? When you’re talking to other people, your energy comes out in your presence. And that applies to your family, to your kids, right? To your spouse, and also to your business. You can see this so often when you’re talking to a business owner, who is so unsure of himself, when he’s going from a sales presentation or anything that, and that starts though that presence that that clarity that confidence starts with telling yourself the truth. But doing the actual work behind is you’re saying.
Tim Matthews 8:10
It’s a muscle at the end of the day. one thing that I have learned a lot from is saying no; I’m quite a difficult person to get hold of. I often don’t reply to text messages, and I often don’t reply to WhatsApp messages. I often don’t reply to emails. There are a lot of things that I don’t do that I used to do because the people please a lot. So I would then, you know, say yes to things. I’ve just been leaking my energy all over the place, wanting to please people wanting to be liked at the end of the day. This then fed into the business with leaks in my leadership; I don’t want to save people. I want to save my staff; I want to say I have clients. And as a result, as I said, you’d say yes to things, and they fall through the cracks. A big thing that came out of the ceremony for me this past weekend was self-discipline, and this was coming from a Shaman, who you typically expect and perceived to be a real spiritual teacher, which he is, but he was making practical use too. He talked about the importance of self-discipline and releasing the need for immediate gratification and being on the path of walking a path and loving the path. Now, the great thing you said is that look, and we’re all on the way out, and then we all enjoy it. It was great and self-discipline for you to have that discipline of yourself. You’ve got to be on a path that you enjoy, which then comes from you’ve been able to discern between yes or no, which means that you’re going to say no, a lot more than you’re going to say yes.
If you want to get to a point whereby you can’t honor your word, because you’re saying yes, the things that you like work, therefore, you naturally want to do them. When you do them, and you see the fruits of your actions, what does it do with them? build your self-image, gain confidence, see results, naturally want to do more of it, and more of it and more of it. Anyone at the top of their game, they focus on that zone. In the first episode, we did the show that we spoke about identifying the zone of genius. Those people who are top of their game, making the big moves in their personal, professional life, really identify what that zone is, and as a result, they stick to it and say no to everything else. While on the flip side of this, when we speak to guys that come into that negation method, a common theme for them is that they are overwhelmed, overworked, burnt out, and very unfulfilled. As a result, it shows up in our life with this connection, the relationships, they’re not there, they’re arguing, they’re lying in bed at night awake, worrying, and the mind’s racing. They’re going to the business, it’s not productive, growth is slow to produce the level that no they can produce, and their health is very passive. Where their biggest lessons are discovering who they are and what they want. the two biggest questions: “Who am I?” and “What do I want?” Because you cannot honor your word without knowing the answer to those two questions.
Doug Holt 11:55
Hey, guys, I had to interrupt the show because I want to talk to you about a case study we put together; it’s only 11 minutes. And what we do is we go over and show you how almost 300 men have taken control of their lives, already have 4X business revenue, and are having more connected intimate sex with their partner using The Activation Method. And they’re doing all this without burning down their relationships. And without suffering and sacrificing their health. We want you to have this too. So go over to https://www.thepowerfulman.com/bonus/the number 11 one, one, and get this right now. It’s only 11 minutes, and it’s going to show you exactly how these men have done it. Alright, let’s get back to the episode.
So Tim, the guys that are listening to this now. Well, first of all, let’s go back because I know there are men there listening to this right now is like, “well, I honor my word, I won’t lie.” What would you say to those guys?
Tim Matthews 12:54
If I was to go into your business, let’s talk about the business. If I were to go into your business, cherry-pick at random five of your staff or two of your staff, and ask them whether or not you do what you see going to do? What would they say? If I was to go into your family home, speak to your wife and say, “Hey, does Doug do what he says is going to do?” or I will speak to your kids and say, “Hey, does daddy do what he says he’s going to do and does he play with you?”. What will those people say? If you firmly feel wholehearted, they will undoubtedly say yes. Awesome, good for you, but if you incline to doubt, that is a no, fuck yes or fuck no. It is a no, then cool. That’s okay; accept that doesn’t mean you’re weak or you’re a bad man, or you’re losing, or you’re failing? No, not at all, and if you choose to live in that way. It just keeps you in that cycle. It’s just where you are, and if that is where you are, then I imagine it’s because you don’t know the answer to those two questions of who you are and what you want. Because if you didn’t know the answer to those two questions and were firm in that belief, you will then know what you want. And you will be honoring that instead of self-sacrificing and people-pleasing.
Doug Holt 14:39
And guys, when you’re listening to this, if this is upsetting you what Tim is saying right now, this is a key indication you’re getting triggered, and you get triggered because you subconsciously or consciously know what he’s saying is true. This is good, just another breadcrumb in the road on your journey. So nothing to be upset about, but the truth is that most of the men that we’re encountering are lying, right? It’s just the truth, and it’s not doing on purpose per se; we make these sub subconscious promises to ourselves, we say we’re going to do things to our staff to our kids, whatever it may be. We don’t follow through because of what we consider priorities, often. Just listen to what the word Tim is saying, and if you find yourself with this, you’re running into a pattern, right, and we recognize a pattern. You know this pattern becomes an issue, and if it’s not serving you, it’s something that you want to take care of and get help with. I mean that’s a key thing with getting a coach or coaching or going through a program, like The Activation Method, if you’re getting objects from all different angles, that you can see these leaks that are coming out through you. Tim, also for the men, they’re listening, right, they’re not lying. Once you discover, once I discover I’m sitting there, I’m like, “Oh, crap, he’s talking, that’s me. I tell my kids, I’m going to spend time with him.”, “I tell my wife, I’m going to do the dishes.”, “I tell my friends, I’m going to go to the next guy’s event.”, “I tell my staff, they’re getting bonuses.”, “I say all these things. I set my alarm for 6 am. But I don’t get up till seven. And I’m going to work out tomorrow’s the day I’m going to work out.” Right? So I find myself in this pattern. What do I do?
Tim Matthews 16:26
Oh, you do. I could go into a lot of things there.
Doug Holt 16:31
All right, we only have about five minutes here, right? But in about five minutes, or a couple of short explanations. I know this could be for you; as a master coach, you could go on for hours and hours with this, but give the guys a couple of nuggets.
Tim Matthews 16:46
This will go for years. So what do you do if you become aware of the pattern? Awesome. What I like to do, and what we encourage the guys to do that works well, is come clean. The first step comes clean, and the reason you do that is that it releases the guilt and the shame around the story. So let us say you realize that you are not honoring your word in your relationship. Come clean and say, “Hey, Amelia, I recognize that lately, I said I was gonna do x y z, I have not been doing it.” And more often than not, depending on how long you’ve been doing it and what the impact of that has been. Usually, what we have found is the people closest to you have a very understanding and depending on, like I said, how your actions have been impacting them and how many warning signs they have been giving you. Such a very key thing here. So the first step comes clean; it’s going to alleviate a lot of heaviness around. This second step is to align with what it is you want. “Okay, I mean, I realized that I’m not doing this; I apologize. Now I love to experience more connection with you, right now, I don’t know how to do that maybe we can go on a date night, once a week, maybe we can have a conversation”, just brand style, either on your own or with the person or persons involved and come up in a real line to what it is you want. The third thing I would do is then get clear on who you get to be to experience that. Where you get to let go of, there will have been set actions that you will have been taken.
Underneath that certain belief that will have been running those actions that will have been causing you to not only our word, but it’s also very important that you get clear on what those are, and then change those into more empowering and positive beliefs and behaviors. So that you will feel you can have achieved what it is you’re now saying. And finally, I would recommend getting some form of accountability, whether from your partner on people involved, or whether it’s from a coach or a program or whatever. Still, I would highly recommend getting some accountability because by this stage, you’re growing, and you’re going to be changing your behaviors and changing how you show up. And sometimes, depending on how deeply ingrained those habits and those beliefs and behaviors are. Sometimes we don’t always see where we are slipping back into those old ways. One of the things you could do is set up an alarm on your phone to go off every three hours. Let’s say that I could ask you a question that’s in alignment with what you want to achieve, like, “Am I showing up as The Powerful Man I am” or am I showing up as insert blank can help you to help to break certain patterns. But either way, accountability, and support are really important here because they couldn’t do it. There will be times when you fall short of what you have said you’re going to do. It’s important in those instances not to beat yourself up. Because that’s going to do is take you back into that same energy you’re trying to leave. So having some support, having accountability is going to be important.
Doug Holt 20:16
I love it. So listen, guys, you’ve gotten tons of nuggets here to apply; I’d recommend this is one of those episodes that you want to start again and listen to one more time because it’s all about taking action, right? Listening to these episodes in these podcasts, or these shows, if you’re watching them on YouTube, or however you’re getting them. That’s great. But it is; as I always talk about educational masturbation, I say that because so many of us can go through and listen to 2,3,4 podcasts and not take action, and say “Oh, that’s a good idea. I’m going to do that”. But we don’t take action. This is your chance to honor your work. Take action right now. Go ahead and pause this, head over to the Facebook group. And make sure and make your declaration right there in The Activation Method Facebook group. Also, make sure you’re getting that 11-minute case study guys, this is time to take action and honor your word and take action right at this moment. Don’t just listen to this; agree with what Tim is saying or go, that’s a great idea. I’m going to do that in my life and not take action. Share this with one of your fellow friends. I highly recommend it. This is how you build your tribe and move forward. Tim, any parting words for the men?
Tim Matthews 21:29
Oh, go easy on yourself. The journey is a destination; enjoy it is the chairman’s role on our way out. So enjoy the ride and make the most of it as well. My advice to you would be to be urgent but not rushed. So urgent is making the most of the time being rushed without having enough time? So make the most of your time. We all like to think we have all the time in the world. But nobody knows how long we’ve got. So like I said, Make the most of your life.
Doug Holt 22:03
Yeah, enjoy the journey. But get over there and do the work now. The Yin Yang, right. It’s at the end of the day as much work in development as we do. We’re still men, and where we’re still got that aggressive testosterone, let’s get it done attitude. Alright, guys, that is it for us today. I look forward to talking to you in the next episode, and we will see you next week.
