Episode #848
In this episode, we dive into practical techniques to handle conflicts with your spouse without escalating the argument. Learn the power of the “10-second rule” to pause and reflect before reacting, and discover the hidden motives technique to understand what’s really behind your partner’s frustration.
You’ll also get tips on how to validate and empathize with your spouse, turning potential arguments into opportunities for deeper connection and intimacy. Whether it’s about the dishes or something more, these strategies will help you communicate more effectively and build a stronger relationship.
Join us as we explore how to keep calm and stay connected during disagreements. It’s all about transforming those tense moments into chances for growth and understanding. Let’s make those conflicts work for us, not against us!
Hungry for more?
Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
Also listen on:
Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
So I counted 10. And that way, I wouldn’t jump in to respond. You see, I was in DEER
mode I was defending, excusing, explaining, and reacting, the big one. Reacting is the big one, guys. So I would react now by counting to 10. I had a long enough pause in there that, you know, she’d be done. So if she kept on going, like, you never do the dishes. In fact, you might, you know, you also don’t do the laundry, she maybe had more to say. So 10 seconds gave me that buffer.
Hey, guys, welcome back to the TPM show. Once again, this will be a short one, I’m going to take some of your questions and answer these individually. Right now we are getting ready for three back-to-back events here at the TPM Ranch. And I’m excited. So in the future, you’re gonna get a lot of information about those, I’m gonna be bringing a lot of special guests to this show. But if you’re looking for a longer breakdown than the one I’m going to give you right now, my advice to you is to go back and look at some of the past episodes. So lots of gold that can be found there. We’re almost at 850 episodes. So take that time to go back in the library back in the vault, so to speak, and check those out. Meanwhile, this is the question I am that I got that I’m gonna answer Doug, what are the best ways to handle conflicts with my wife without escalating the arguments? Each time we start to have an argument, it seems to keep escalating over and over again. And both of us walk away mad and disconnected. Man, do I get this right? So I think all of us have been there, where you get in an argument and it could be a simple argument about the dishes, and it just starts to escalate more and more and more and more and more, till both of you are just absolutely pest and one person shuts down. One person’s yelling could be all over the place. So we use something at TPM, we call The Hidden Motives Technique, it’s it’s modified, and using a modified version of that is a great way. Now, the first thing that you want to do is when an argument or a disconnect happens, my advice is to take some breaths. Now, when I first started this practice, long before TPM, I would count to 10. Okay, so it literally would count to 10 in my head, before responding. Now, this served two purposes, well, maybe three, but two main ones. One is when I got triggered, so to speak, or at pest, my wife would say, I’m not done a lot, right?
So she would say something. Gosh, it’s been so long since we’ve had anything like this. I’ll just use the dishes like you never do the dishes. Maybe she says that to me, and I get ready to go. What do you mean, I never do the dishes, I did the dishes, you know, last week or something? She would say I wasn’t done or I wasn’t finished. Right. alluding to me interrupting her. Right? She does that a lot. And I was like, really, maybe I was interrupting. But it was also a very good defense technique for her. So I counted 10. And that way, I wouldn’t jump in to respond. You see I was in DEER mode I was defending, excusing, explaining, and reacting. The big one reacting is the big one, guys. So I would react now by counting to 10. I had a long enough pause in there that, you know she’d be done. So if she kept on going like, you never do the dishes. In fact, you might you know, you also don’t do the laundry, she may be she had more to say. So that 10 seconds gave me that buffer. Over time, I shorten that just to be clear, you know, shorten that time period, but 10 seconds is where I started. And so a lot of times what I recommend guys do because you almost need a longer pause if you’ve been like the way I was over a decade ago to be in that. So that was one. The second thing is that it allowed me to calm down. Right? So I didn’t react I could calm down and think about it. Let what she was saying digest. Now once you’ve done that, you want to validate her like kind of empathize getting her her side of the street. If my wife says to me, you never do the dishes. What is she really saying she really pissed that into the dishes? Probably not. She’s really saying that she probably needs more help around the house and that she’s overwhelmed. She’s not feeling appreciated, right? It’s one of those things. It 10 seconds allows you to think about like, Okay, if I was yelling about her not doing something that she that I think she’s supposed to do.
Why would I be upset about that? Okay, there’s either an agreement that’s been broken. Okay. Do we have an agreement? Yes. No, no. Okay, great. Does she feel underappreciated? Because I know when I feel underappreciated, I get like that. Okay. Maybe that’s it? Is she overwhelmed? Well, come to think about it. My wife. She’s watching the kids. She’s working. She’s got a lot on her plate. Maybe that’s it. So you take your time too. Get out of the person’s shoes, and then you can validate, Hmm, interesting. So, I’d imagine that if I felt that this I use The Hidden Motives Technique as I felt, gosh, I think if I thought my partner never helped out around the house, I would feel underappreciated, and probably a little overwhelmed. Like, I’m always doing all these things, and what’s going on? Now, if you hit the nail on the head this is what she’s feeling. She’s gonna go Yes, exactly how it feels. And then she’ll keep going. Or she’ll say, No, that’s not it. I just want help with the dishes, then you can just go okay, why is me helping the dishes so important to you? And then she could just, you know, then that the dialogue just goes on. When you defend, she has to read defend right now you’re in attacking mode, going back and forth. So if you defend yourself, you’re going to DEER
mode, defend excuse, explain react, she is now forced to raise her sword and come back at you. And then next thing you guys are going out at both you guys have your your swords out your shields up. So that doesn’t work. But if you use the version of The Hidden Motives Technique, and you go more like a journalist like you’re, you’re inquisitive about the situation, easy to make sure that arguments don’t escalate.
And you can find a common ground oftentimes. And when your partner you’ve used this in business, by the way, guys, I use it in business all the time. Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt this episode. But the reality is if you are watching or listening to this right now, then you are looking to better yourself, and I applaud you, you’re one of my people. And I want to give you the opportunity to take massive action. So if you haven’t joined The Activation Method, yet, it’s our flagship program, do what 1000s of other businessmen just like you have done and take action, be one of the one percenters that actually does the work and takes action, there’ll be a link in the description that will take you right to a page, they’ll just give you more information, there is no obligation, just go check it out and see if it’s a good fit for you. Alright, let’s get back to this episode, when your wife feels that you least understand her, her space, and what she’s trying to say, then oftentimes, that will create the desire for her to listen to your version of it. And then you can come to a mutual understanding. Now she may be right, maybe you need to do the dishes, maybe she does need help, or she can be wrong, too. And so oftentimes, when I do this with my wife, or I used to do with my wife, again, we don’t, this doesn’t happen too much with us. But when we do arguments, we’re able to squash them in literally seconds. When I do a version of this very shorter version of this with my wife, oftentimes, I’ll find out that it’s not the dishes, it’s a bid for connection, or she’s frustrated, or something’s going on. And she just needs that connection with me. And this is just like a bratty child, this is the way she chose to go about it. If I argue with her, we’re gonna be disconnected.
No sex, nothing. It’s not gonna be fun. However, my wife comes to me and says, I can never do the dishes. Can you do the dishes? And if I say, Hmm, wow, that must feel really frustrating to think that your partner never does the dishes. Man. I would, I would bum me out. She might look at me go. Yeah, yeah, it’s not really about the dishes. I just, I just kind of want to just a little help right now. I’m just really tired. Like, what? Oh, yeah, you’re really tired. Okay, I get that I get tired. Sometimes, I can see that. You know, much go lay down for a minute, and I’ll knock these out, then I’ll come over knock you out. Something like that. I usually say something cheeky. It’s just my personality, not suggesting you do it. You know, mileage may vary and all that. But what I want to do is, I know that when I’m tired, or I’m exhausted, I would love my wife to step in. And hey, you take care of the kid. Babe, can you take care of the kids? I’m just wiped out. I want to say, Yeah, I got you go lay down. So I want to do the same for her. I love my wife. So I want to offer that opportunity. So it’s not about jockeying for position or anything like that, in my house of you know, tit for tat. We’re not into horse trading. So you want to be in a marriage where you’re both doing the best for each other. And that starts with really understanding the other person’s point of view. What’s the argument really about?
Sometimes it’s about the subject, but I think it’s rarely about the subject, right? There’s things that get tacked on to the argument. And that’s how arguments escalate. So the first thing to do is take your breath, for 10 seconds or so, then validate empathize, and use The Hidden Motives Technique. Again, what I’m thinking is what’s this person really saying? What are they really mad about? You know, what’s really going on? It’s kind of like when you ever see I remember this last Halloween? It’s distinct. And this is distinct to me because I thought it was a really good parenting thing that I heard somebody else do. Kids are walking around the streets where I live in Oregon. There is it’s kind of a small-town vibe, right? So I never grew up in a small town. I grew up in Southern California, but this has got kind of a downtown old school. Main Street, you know, vibe to it, and the kids come out and all the merchants come out and they open their doors and they give out candy to kids. And it’s really cool. This kid comes back, the mom just starts screaming at him, never go off, never run off by herself. Never. And she is yelling at him. The kid is scared and crying, right? Because mom’s yelling at them. And the kids that I was next to so I’m seeing this probably 2030 feet ahead of me, the kids that I was near next to go, mom, oh my gosh, that mom is so mean. And the kids have this to his mother. The mother looked and said, No, honey, she’s just really scared. She thought she lost her son. And she was just really, really scared and frightened. I thought, Wow, what a good parenting skill right there. Right? She saw it for what it was. The mom wasn’t really mad.
I mean, she was but really her mom was scared. That’s why she was yelling at her kid. Because she was scared. And that’s how she ended up reacting to the situation. So this is what you want to kind of put together. So when your wife comes at you with an argument, what’s really behind the argument, right? Is it fear? What’s the fear? What’s the fear really about? Or is it something else, once you get to the the origin of that argument, you can move forward so much better. You can turn these arguments into points of connection, points of intimacy, and right points of understanding. And when someone feels bro a woman, but anybody but a woman feels safe enough to come to you, then you make her feel seen and heard what follows that as desire. And then she added that element of desire into it. Kind of like that element, that example I use with my wife, I might say, Hey, babe, you know, go lay down on knockout the dishes and I’ll come to get you type thing. I’m just saying, Hey, I see you, you’re tired. You’re overwhelmed. I got you. I got your back. Why don’t you go ahead and rest? And then once you’re rested, I’m going to take care of these dishes, no big deal. You know, I got your back, you got mine type thing. And then when I’m done with these dishes, and you’ve had a little rest, Daddy’s coming in, right? And my wife’s going to feel desired. Now, even if I don’t do that, at least it’s a little chuckle it’s a little, you know, thing. It’s my personality to do that. Anyway, my wife knows that she actually likes it, believe it or not, for some reason, but that’s just who I am. And so I’ll do that. So she’s going to feel a sense of desire, right? When your wife wants to feel desired by you. combinator clothes and things like that guy she wants to feel desire. So you can add those all in. So what could what would have been probably with my wife, if she came to me with that, I was like, You never do that. You never do the dishes, I would have been like, Well, you never do anything around the house. I come I work so hard.
I have three companies. I’m doing all this, you’re spending the money. You’re home by yourself all day? Why are you doing the dishes? You’re the one that’s got all the time? Whoo. Now she’s gonna come back at me about something else while I’m taking care of our kids. And, you know, why are you such an asshole, and then I’m gonna come back at her. And we’re gonna go, it’s gonna escalate, we’re both gonna walk away mad and not liking each other. Or we can make intimacy, I can see and validate her. I can also disagree with her, right? But I don’t have to argue with her about it. But, in order for me to lead that conversation, I have to understand what’s truly being talked about. It’s like a negotiation. Like, if I’m looking to buy a business, sell a business, or negotiate within a business, I need to know what the other person really wants on the other side, right? In my early days as a business person, I owned businesses in my early 20s. I may have thought, Oh, everybody just wants money, right? And so in fact, I’ve done this early on, only to find out that people, yeah, they want more money. But really, there’s other things that are more important. So if you find out what’s most important to the person you’re negotiating with, your negotiation goes much smoother, you could give them probably what they want and get what you want, and walk away. That’s very, very possible. But if you don’t know what they want, what they truly want, why are they truly selling their business? Is it for the money? Or is it, hey, they want this vacation? Or hey, they just want somebody to carry on the legacy. There are all kinds of reasons for this. So we got to find out that true desire, and then hopefully, you can provide it for them. So find out what your wife’s true argument is, what’s truly upsetting her, and get to the core of it. And then you can have a conversation, not an argument. Hope that was helpful. Hope that answers your question, guys keep these questions coming. I absolutely love them. It’s so much better for me to be answering questions than just sitting here. Talking about stories and things like that, although I enjoy that. When I don’t have a guest right here with me. It’s great to feel like you are sitting across from me and you’re not having a beer or a cup of coffee together. And I really enjoy that. And I always say hey, the moment of insight takes massive action. We’ll see you next time on the TPM show.
