Episode #1104
Many men mistake confrontation for leadership, believing that "putting their foot down" is the same as setting a boundary. In reality, a boundary is never about controlling someone else’s behavior; it is a clear statement of what you are willing to accept in your own life. When you approach your wife with confrontational energy, it often leads to temporary compliance rather than genuine connection or respect.
In this episode, Tim Matthews is joined by Lawrence and Paul to break down real-world challenges from the TPM community. They discuss why many men fumble when they first start speaking up for themselves and how to navigate the "messy" transition of reclaiming your authority as a husband and father. You will learn why curiosity is a more powerful tool than blame and how to ask for grace while you learn to lead your family effectively.
The conversation also tackles the heavy burden of "abdicating" leadership in territories like finances. When a man defaults to "whatever works best," he often leaves his wife exhausted and carrying a load she was never meant to bear alone. The guys share how to shift from "having" to lead to "getting" to lead, transforming a source of shame into an opportunity for growth and partnership.
Finally, we explore the vital practice of decompression—the daily habit of reflecting on your emotions so you don't push them down. Decompression isn't just a "fluffy" self-care routine; it is a necessary tool to stop depression in its tracks and ensure you show up as your best self for your family. Whether it is learning to hold space without trying to "fix" everything or becoming brutally honest with yourself, this episode provides the language and rhythms every businessman needs to move from average to extraordinary.
If you are ready to stop guessing and start leading your family with clarity, take the next step by accessing our free training. This is designed for the man who is tired of the distance and ready to see exactly where his relationship stands.
Visit https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales to get started.
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Tim Matthews 0:00
Self-care can mean being brutally honest with yourself as well.
Paul 0:05
The word that landed was confrontation. That really stood out as the wrong kind of energy.
Lawrence 0:11
Depression is a huge thing, you know, for everyone, not just for men, but in particular...
Tim Matthews 0:16
We can't let go of what we haven't felt. That's what decompression means to me.
Lawrence 0:21
Holding space is an important thing to do, and that could look like doing nothing.
Tim Matthews 0:39
Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of the TPM Show. My name is Tim Matthews, I am your host, and I am joined by two incredible men: Wildcard and Jigsaw. Hi. Afternoon. So we're going to do something different. We have a little bit less time today, so I'm going to do a rapid-fire with some posts from the community. We're going to take a couple of minutes and you're going to tell me what both of you guys would do.
If this is somebody's first episode, first time listening to the TPM Show, let's just give them a little bit of context as to who you both are. 30 seconds, high-level view: what brought you to TPM, how long you've been in the movement. And then I think that'll give some context, and then we can go into this.
Lawrence 1:32
So, okay, my name is Lawrence. I am ex-military. I was married for 33 years; I'm divorced now. Found TPM about four and a half years ago. Changed my life, turned myself around. And yeah, I've been in the movement for four years, and they've been the most incredible years I've ever had.
Paul 1:58
And I'm Paul. I'm divorced also. Found TPM six years ago. Went through the Activation, went through the Reset, went through The Brotherhood. I smile because it's changed my world.
Tim Matthews 2:24
Beautiful, beautiful. Okay, so first one, let me just check this. Just screen it and make sure it is what I... okay. So: "Did something I rarely do: confronted my wife about disrespect towards me and not involving me in a curfew deviation for our eldest daughter. I told her I was upset that it was disrespectful to me. I also pointed out that she feels and complains that she's doing all the work with the kids, on a simple thing like where we set a curfew, and the daughter texts asking for an extension, and the mother grants it without asking or using me as the basis to deny it, that she's choosing to do it alone."
So the wife is saying, "Hey, you're not involved in the parenting," and he's saying, "Well, look, this is an example where you're not involving me and you're doing it on your own." I told her it undermined my authority as the head of the house, interesting, and as a dad. She apologized and acknowledged she had made a mistake. We'll see if anything changes. What's your perspective on that, really high level? We're going to move on to quite a few.
Lawrence 3:39
Okay, I would say the energy of that, "confronting", it sounds confrontational. She may have capitulated now because of the confrontation. I think potentially, a way of dealing with that is to set that boundary yourself and say it's not about her, not about what she's done, but it's about what you're willing to accept. So rather than confrontation: a boundary-setting conversation. Sit down. "I wasn't happy with this. I feel like this is doing this to me." There's a lot of blame in this, otherwise, projection and blame onto the lady.
Paul 4:20
Well, the word that landed was "confrontation." That really stood out as the wrong kind of energy. A boundary is not delivered with that kind of essence. It's more of a conversation about behavior that’s not going to be tolerated in that present moment.
Lawrence 4:39
The boundary is not about controlling the other person. It's about saying what you're willing to accept in your life. Your boundary, not theirs.
Tim Matthews 4:49
For me, I'm wondering where the curiosity is. Like, where's the curiosity as to why the wife did what she did? I mean, you know, I'm sure there's many reasons. Obviously, look, we're just having a brief snapshot into somebody's life, right? And casting our own assessment. By no means do we know the full picture here; it's just what somebody's posted in the app, in the community.
And I see this often with guys. Obviously, guys that previously haven't had boundaries and struggle to make them, it can be a really big deal for them to start speaking up for themselves. And inevitably, in the beginning, you know, they fumble. And that's okay. I think communicating that, letting your wife know that you are learning to set boundaries, I think is important. How you let her know, obviously, is important, but letting her know you're probably going to get it wrong at times and you're probably going to fumble. But this is a really important step for you that you need to take for you and the family. It might get a little bit messy, and just asking for some grace when it does get messy. Because if you have been somebody that hasn't set boundaries and all of a sudden you start setting them, it's kind of abrasive. "What the hell's going on? What's inspired this change?"
Okay, next one. One second. Oh, nope, not that one. This is exciting, what are we going to expect? Yep, yep, yep. Just give me a minute here. There are a lot of pictures and a lot of wins from the men. We want challenges! We don't want wins and success. Guys, stop doing well. No more wins and success. Okay, we'll go with this one: "Having the best week ever. The wife and I got all of our financial stuff straightened out. Kids are finally smiling again and enjoying life. Got a new place, I should be getting the keys tomorrow. Getting ready for my fight next week." Oh, wow, nice. "Feeling good about things."
So let's talk about, let's turn to the finances there. Because this was an issue that one of the guys recently went through who graduated the Ascension Blueprint. He'd done really well but realized throughout the past five to ten years, he's very much abdicated his role within leading the finances. And as a result, he left all of the financial decisions up to his wife. And in his words, what he did was he would say, "You know, whatever works best, whatever works best, whatever works best." And he also abdicated other decisions within the household to her as well. Now she's like, "You handle it, you take care of it." And as he's doing so, he's realizing, "Holy crap, this is quite a mess." He's made some pretty tough decisions, not tough, he's made some pretty rubbish financial decisions. So he now has to right the ship. That involves coming up with a plan, that involves creating agreements, that involves boundaries, and that involves facing a lot of tests, right? What advice would you give that guy in his particular situation right now?
Paul 8:14
There's a polarity that's got to come back his way as well, isn't there? Jesus, a lot. I feel for that guy. It's good that he's taking, what is he taking, responsibility.
Tim Matthews 8:30
He is. It's hard for him because there's some shame that's come up. Like, "How did it get this far?" His wife is kind of, not disengaged, but the way that he was being, or "whatever's best," she's been the same way. And he's scared of making a wrong step, so he's wanting to get her permission, really her permission and approval, not so much buy-in.
He's not saying, "Hey, this is what I think we should do, and here's why. Are you good with that?" Because, again, you can lead, right? It's a joint thing, but he has to set the direction and be confident. And if she challenges him in that moment or asks questions, which is understandable, he needs to obviously have ways in which he can answer: "I'm thinking that because of this or this." And she may say, "Well, no, I disagree." "Well, I hear you, and this is what I'm thinking and why, and I believe this is the best direction. You know, can you just trust me with this?"
Doug Holt 9:33
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Lawrence 10:35
I think one of the important things in financial discussions, or having to take anything back over from your partner, is a couple of things. First thing is, I would say that you get to do it; you haven't got to do it. And that was one of the biggest mindset shifts for me in TPM, learning to recognize the opportunity.
So yes, you're down a dark path. Yes, there's some things that have gone wrong, but now you get the opportunity to put them right. And I think that way, when you come into a discussion about finances or whatever it is, you're in a better place. You're in a more positive place. "We get to change this now. This has gone down too far. We get to amend this and look where it will be in five years, or look where it'll be in a couple of months."
And the second thing is to look in other places in the relationship where she may be carrying stuff that you should be carrying, and be able to go, "Actually, you know what? I could take that off you," or "We could share that more." Because if you've done that in one element of your life, the chances are you've done it in others. And when she has to be the one that turns around and says, "I'm exhausted with this, it's too much," it's already too late. She's already exhausted and tired. And that's just another flick of mud onto the glass or another thing that you're going to have to deal with later on down the line. So have a look around all the other territories, the other aspects of your life, and see where else she's carrying more than she needs to.
Tim Matthews 12:10
I love that. I love it, man. These guys are crushing it. I'm looking through for some challenges, and you've got these guys who are posting images of their ARS (Alpha Rise and Shine), images of them playing in the snow with the dog with only shorts on, "age is only a number, and mine is unlisted." Guys posting their weekly reviews with the Coil scores, the Chart of Intentional Living, that is. And they're just absolutely crushing it in all five territories.
Guys posting pictures of them on the ARS with their kids, with his son, nice. Another guy just destroying his personal best on the rowing machine. These guys are on fire. And it's not like all they want to do is share the highlights, either. The guys come into here and really share when things are tough as well, but for the most part, they're doing really well, which is awesome.
"Are you fully decompressing?" What if "depression" meant that you were pushing down your emotions? Wouldn't that mean that allowing yourself to feel and unpacking your emotions at the end of the day would stop depression in its tracks? Maybe that's what it means. Are you sitting with yourself in stillness and allowing a space for your emotions to bubble up? We can't let go of what we haven't felt. That's what decompression means to me. Franco out.
Lawrence 13:50
Yeah, I read that on the app, and it's a good one. "Are you fully decompressed?" Because decompression is, in my view, simply just reflection of the day, and if you do it daily, or after a particularly stressful period, or whatever.
Tim Matthews 14:09
Tell the listeners what decompression means, because some of them might not know. We do the Alpha Decompression, right?
Lawrence 14:15
It's about reflecting and looking back and letting go, dropping things throughout the day or the week. I mean, I try and do it daily myself, but I'm not always successful. There's not always time to do that, but I think you have to try and make time for decompressing.
And what that means to me is just letting go of the day, reflecting, and choosing some wins. What went well today? How did I feel about that? It's recognizing that, allowing myself to recognize the things that went well, and allowing myself to feel the things that didn't go so well, and then looking forward to the following period, the next day, or whatever.
For me, that allows me to... well, I used to do it when I was at home. I would do that on the way back; I'd listen to some music or whatever and I'd decompress, or go for a walk. That enabled me to come back into the house as myself rather than carrying the work with me. But I think Franco's post there talks more about decompression as a tool for ensuring that you don't start to get depressed. Depression is a huge thing for everyone, not just for men, but in particular... you know, I work in the construction industry, and two construction workers a day take their own lives in the UK. Two men a day. Really, it's the leading cause of death for certain age groups between 20 and 40 years old.
Tim Matthews 15:53
Well, next question. I'm looking for you to chime in, Jigsaw. Whoever hits the buzzer first.
Paul 15:58
I was going to go with Decompression.
Lawrence 16:01
Sorry, I stole your thunder.
Tim Matthews 16:03
What does self-care truly mean to you?
Paul 16:09
Being present with myself. Finding space, whether that's a walk, whether that's a cold plunge, sauna, journaling, just allowing whatever. It's kind of like decompression, but just allowing whatever needs to internally move to have the space to do that. That's what I see as self-care. I don't think it matters what we do.
Tim Matthews 16:37
Yeah, I like that. It's definitely a huge element of self-care, right? Being present with your experience. What about you?
Lawrence 16:46
Yeah, I think self-care for me is about recognizing where I am and putting language around that. I think the biggest thing that's helped me to care for myself and understand who I am is learning the language of self-care and learning the rhythms and routines. Having grace with myself, I think, is important when I don't always get things right, or I'm out of routine, or I'm traveling. Like you say, it doesn't really matter what they are, but they're a moment in time which is for you, carved out of a busy day or carved out of a busy week, doing something that fills you up.
Tim Matthews 17:29
I love that. That is compassion, self-compassion that comes to mind within self-care. Self-love. I mean, self-care can also mean being brutally honest with yourself as well. That itself is self-love, right? Being real, taking radical responsibility. It's not necessarily always about the "fluffy" side, if you will.
This one's quite a long post, so I'll do my best to pick out various bits. Mark Haynesworth conducted a class yesterday on presence, which I was "half-present" for. So I thought, I feel I got a situation this morning that caused me to have a huge breakthrough in really understanding what presence is about.
Situation: rough house in the morning. Wife had a late night, got up to make lunches for the girls, running behind. He snapped at her, and her daughter snapped at the wife, and that ungrateful energy lit the fuse. By the time I got back from taking the dogs out, the house was a storm cloud. Daughter stormed out. Wife wasn't talking to him.
So instead of him trying to fix it, he was able to sit with it. Instead of him going into "Dad Fix-It" mode and trying to smooth out the issue between his daughter and his wife, he was able to be present with it and see what was going on and provide validation and presence. It doesn't say there's necessarily a challenge there, but we wanted to celebrate the win. I think that's huge, right? Especially when there's a challenge between the kid and the parent. Speak to that for a moment, and then we'll sign this episode off.
Paul 19:23
Well, sometimes doing nothing is actually doing something.
Tim Matthews 19:29
I love that.
Lawrence 19:31
I think holding space is an important thing to do, and that could look like doing nothing. But I think we're often like, "We've got to do this, we've got to do that." Something, something... there's always something, the next thing. But just your presence is enough, and sometimes that can create a feeling of safety for other people around you. Holding space is...
Tim Matthews 19:54
Yeah. I think swooping in, trying to fix it is, you know, hmm, why are you doing that, right? Is that because you don't want to sit in someone else's discomfort? It makes you too uncomfortable, right? Is it that you want to look like the hero? Is it because you care?
I don't know, but I tell you what: people tend to like it a lot less than we think they do. I think we think they like it a lot more, when they don't. They don't want to be meddled with, right? You know, the women in our lives are more than capable of handling their own challenges. I think as men, we often try and swoop in and try and fix it, and we don't need to take on their problems. Life would be a lot easier if we let them, if we saw how capable they were and let them deal with it.
Lawrence 20:40
It goes back to what you said earlier about curiosity as well. Like being curious about what's going on, just observing, being the observer.
Tim Matthews 20:45
Yeah, I love it. So guys, a slightly different episode just now, but hopefully you took a lot of value from it. I think some of those snippets definitely speak to a lot of what we hear with the men. So, like Doug always likes to say: at the moment of insight, take massive action. We'll see you next time on the TPM Show.