Episode #879
Ever catch yourself thinking your wife’s the one who needs to change to fix your marriage? What if the real answer is in becoming the man you’re capable of being instead? In this episode, we dive into self-improvement as the key to turning your marriage around and becoming the husband your wife can’t help but respect.
You’ll discover how taking action to become your best self is the real catalyst for change in your relationship. We’ll cover the gap between who you are now and the man you want to be, why the journey is everything, and how even the smallest habits can inspire your wife to grow with you.
If you’re ready to stop blaming and start leading by example, this one’s for you.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
All I tell them to do is, hey, go get a gym membership. You have to check into the gym five days a week. Now, you don’t have to work out. You don’t have to do anything, but you have to go there and check-in. You have your key card or whatever it is. Once you get in there, you can turn around and walk away. Guess what happens? Do you think? How many people turn away? Go, drive to the gym, put their workout clothes in, go on, go, check into the gym, then walk out immediately. Very few. They’re like, Ah, crap. Well, I’m already here. I might as well get on the treadmill, or I might as well get under the squat bar. Whatever it is for them, they end up working out.
You guys, have you ever wished your wife would just change? Maybe there are some traits or things that she needs to do to get better, then that’ll save your marriage, or that’ll actually fix things for you. But what if I told you it actually begins with you? Right? Today, I want to talk about this concept. We’ve talked about it before in a different way, but this idea that what if you became the ideal spouse? And what I mean by that is, what if you constructed the ideal husband, right? And you were living into that, would that then serve as a lighthouse, as an indicator for your wife to step into? And so that’s what we’re gonna discuss today, going through this. It’s really a philosophy about becoming the ideal man in your eyes.
And when you think about this ideal man, right? For most people, it’s gonna create a gap, right? And what I don’t want you to do is look at the size of the gap and then get upset or not be grateful for the things you have today. Such is our tendency, right? We’ll look at, you know, the delta between where we are today and where we want to be. We’ll do that with our income, with our investments, with our health. What if we did that with all of our areas? But instead of being upset that we’re not there yet, like, Oh, I’m so bummed that I haven’t, I need to lose 10 pounds. I’m getting mad at myself, and therefore, I’m gonna, you know, fast for a week. Instead of doing that, what if I just enjoy the journey?
At TPM, we say the destination is the journey, and what we mean by that is we have to enjoy the gap, right? Because there is a gain within the gap. We’ve got to be grateful for where we are today, but we need a true north to know where we’re going to go. And if there is a delta, if there is a difference between the man we are today and the man we think we could be, that’s going to create a gap. And what we want to do is fill that gap. And by filling that gap nine times out of 10, what I see, and I do this professionally and I have, gosh, with TPM for eight years now, so when I see it happen, the wife, the kids, the friends, they come along for the ride, right? Because you’re giving them permission to be better. They’re seeing you work. This is why, when men start our program, oftentimes one of the first things we do if they’re not in a workout routine is to get them in a workout routine. There’s something we also call the Alpha Rise and Shine. And so when men do this over time, consistently, I’ll hear this all the time. Hey, Doug, yeah, my wife just joined the gym. Or, Doug, I found out my wife’s been doing Pilates now at home. And a lot of times their wives will do it secretly, right? They don’t want the man to know that they’re following their lead, but they’ll start to do it because, as men, we can be leaders, right? We can lead with positive energy, with masculine positive energy. Our families and our wives are dying for us to be leaders. They’re dying for you to call them forward.
And so when we think about this, one of the things I want you to think about are, what are the traits of an ideal partner? You know? What? What are they? Just think about it. To me, it’s integrity, it’s respect, it’s kindness, it’s love, it’s appreciation, right? These are just some basic tenets, right? Things I think that almost all of us could agree upon. And what I want you to do is make a list. Make a list of these, and you should have well over 20 items. Guys, you know, most of the lists that I’ve seen are over 100 things. These are the traits. These are the qualities I want in somebody. That’s what an ideal partner is. And then let’s just say you have 20. I want you to look at yourself and say, Hey, over the last 30 days, just 30 days, which is a small snapshot of your life, have I been that to my wife? Have I been respectful all the time? Have I been full of integrity all the time? Have I been kind all the time? You know, where have you been in your marriage, in this relationship? And I want you to think about these things, right? Where are you today? Are you showing up with these traits? And if you’re not, if you have resentment because maybe your wife’s been mean, or you have resentment because you’re not having the sex that you want to have, or you’re resentful because, I don’t know, maybe your wife had an affair, where are you in these areas?
And if your wife cheated, and you still are in your marriage, then you get to still show up as the ideal man. That still gets to be your role, right? You can forgive her. You don’t have to forget about it. But look at that, and look at what you want to be, and are you having those traits, right? And the mirror effect, right? Are you mirroring the kind of marriage that you want to be in? So oftentimes I’ll talk to guys, and they’ll be in this needy energy, which I talked about in another podcast, and they start chasing their wife. Like really, is that the marriage you want to be in, the one where you help constantly chase your wife? Or do you want your wife to be coming to you? Are you mirroring the energy that you want? Are you being kind and loving to your wife? This doesn’t mean you have to roll over, but kindness, and love, are some basic tenets of being a good human. Are you doing this and showing up in your marriage this way? Are you showing up with integrity? Are you being honest about the actions you’re doing, and the places you’re going? Oftentimes, I’ll talk to guys, and they don’t tell their wives they look at porn, but they do. Why is that? Well, they’re afraid of getting judged, right? They’re afraid of their wife’s disapproval, and that’s fine. But what if? What if you could live in a marriage, whether you choose to look at porn or not? That’s why I’m just using this as a good example, guys. I know it’s a triggering conversation, but your wife knows you’re doing it, right? She just knows. And you’re like, hey, this is something I’m doing. If you’ve got a problem with it, we have a conversation, but you’re just honest and open about it.
What if that was your reality, that with your wife, you could be honest and open about everything? To me, that’s what a marriage should be like, right? I want my wife to be honest with me about everything, and I’m honest with her about everything. I don’t hide things from her because I don’t think that’s a great relationship, right? I’m very open with her. I mean, it doesn’t mean I have to tell her everything I’m doing, but to me, one of the traits of a marriage, of a partnership, is to be open and transparent, right? I have a business partner, right? With my business partner, I’m open and transparent. I think that’s the basic tenet, right? I do the same thing with my wife. So are you mirroring the ideal marriage that you want to be in? And then we look at this mutual growth, right? When you are starting to do these things, where you’re starting to be the ideal husband, the ideal man you’re working towards, be curious to see what your wife thinks the ideal husband is. But also, what’s the ideal wife? And is she working towards it? And this is where it can get really good and really collaborative.
I’ve done this a lot with my wife, where we’ll take a program together, or she’ll be on her path and I’ll be on mine, but we’ll talk about it. So now we have mutual growth. For example, right now, my wife is working with a coach, and I’m studying something totally different, right? We’re on two different paths, yet these paths unite because both my wife and I are working on ourselves. We’re working to become better humans, and these are things we’re just interested in, right? For me, it’s not a gap that I see in my game, so to speak, but it’s something that I’m very, very interested in. Right now, I’m doing a deep dive into artificial intelligence. I’m very interested in it because I think it’s going to be a game-changer for the movement that we call TPM. I think it’s something that’s fascinating. So I’m taking coursework on it because I’m just interested in it. But by doing that, I’m growing. I’m learning new things. I’m creating new neural synapses. My brain is getting healthier. And my wife is down a different path. You know? She’s going down a path to get deeper familiarity with her feminine nature, right? And I honor her for that. We can come together, two very different things, right? The feminine nature and moon cycles and things like that she’s learning and studying are fascinating to her. Now it’s interesting for me to hear about it, but it’s not something I want to study, right? So we come together, and artificial intelligence isn’t something she’s interested in, but we’re both growing. Having that mutual growth, we can now converse and talk about our interests, and the dynamic allows us to come closer because we’re both growing. We’re both doing something, coming through there.
Hey guys, I wanted to interrupt this episode because it’s dawned on me that many of you guys aren’t aware that we actually have a book on how to save your marriage without talking about it. Now, thousands of men have read it, they’ve reviewed it, and I want to give you the opportunity to do the same. If you’re interested in grabbing it, it’s a short read, but it’s helped a lot of men just like you. Maybe you’re not interested in The Activation Method yet, but this is a small entry point that can really turn things around for you. Go over on Amazon. We have it priced as cheap as Amazon will let us, and that way, you have a resource that you can use right now to start getting some results in your marriage. Now, let’s get back to the episode.
It also gives us enhanced connection, a deeper connection, a deeper bond. You know, I’m in her world, learning about what she’s interested in. And it’s because I love her, I’m interested in her, and it’s something she’s passionate about. Well, cool, I want to know about it. I don’t need to know the intricacies, the details. Nor does she want to know about artificial intelligence—it’s just not her thing. But it gives us a deeper connection when we can communicate about it, when she’s sharing her world and I’m open to receiving it, and I’m also sharing my world, and she’s open to receiving it. That allows us to grow and strengthen our bond much, much better. By me just doing this myself, if my wife wasn’t doing it, and I decided, hey, I’m going to be open and just share with her artificial intelligence or something I’m interested in. For you, it might be business, it might be relationships. If you share it from a place of excitement and openness, odds are, as long as you don’t vomit all over somebody, it creates a signal to her that it’s safe for her to do the same. It’ll be safe for her to share with you.
And that’s what we talk about. What I talk about openly is, hey, does your wife need to change? Most guys say, yeah, right. But additionally, if I asked your wife, do you need to change? Odds are, she’s gonna say yes. So you want to start taking action first—be the leader to do this and get through there. And really, it starts with a self-assessment, right? Where are you today? When we talked about this earlier, you know, rate yourself in the five territories. That’s the easiest thing to do, so on a scale of one to ten, right? I’ll go over the five territories we teach about at the beginning stages, anyway, of TPM. That’s self—where are you filling your cup? Are you doing things that make you feel more alive, that are fun for you, right? Are you doing those things? I went the other night. I hung out with some guys, played some pool and table tennis. I was filling my cup. It was so much fun. Great conversations we had. You know, it was fart jokes and the dumb stuff us guys do together. But we also had some deep conversations. I enjoy that as well—both of those, both sides of that coin in the area of self. Are you filling yourself up? Are you doing things that you love? Are you surrounding yourself with people you love, or taking time for yourself? Are you meditating? Are you doing prayer? Are you doing your Alpha Rise and Shine every single day and your Alpha Decompression? Both of those routines are critically important, in my opinion.
So where are you, on a scale of one to ten, today if you’re being totally honest with yourself? And you can’t give yourself a seven. So if you say seven, you’ve got to pick a six or an eight, if you’re being totally honest with yourself. Where are you in that category? The second category is health. Where are you with your health, and physical health? You know, not just your aesthetics, but where are you? When’s the last time you’ve had blood work done? When was the last time you’ve had a physical test? That tests you physically—your strength, your endurance, your VO2 max? If you haven’t done that, if you haven’t had blood work done or a physical stress test or something like that, you are definitely below a six in my book. But where are you? Are you over-fat? Are you under-muscled? Where are you in the category of health? Now we have wealth. Wealth can mean a lot of things. I think of wealth as, you know, financial wealth, but also gratitude, abundance. Where are you with your spirituality? You know, sometimes you look at poor countries. We’ve talked about this in the podcast—third-world countries. We travel a lot at TPM and visit those places. Sometimes they might have no money, but they are so happy with their families and their spirituality. They’re with their maker, they’re very close. And I would give them a high category on wealth because wealth doesn’t have to be just financial. Where are you, on a scale of one to ten?
And then, business. Business is another one, right? It’s the fifth category. Where are you in your business? Whether you own your own business or not. I know we have a lot of people that don’t own a business that watches the show—no problem. But where are you in your career? Are you contributing to your career? Are you growing? Are you getting more education, value, and purpose from it? Where are you, on a scale of one to ten? And then, of course, relationships, right? It’s why a lot of people are here. Where are you, on a scale of one to ten, in your most intimate relationships? And let’s just start with your marriage. Where are you, honestly? And what would your wife rate it at, right? If I was having coffee with her and I said, hey, look at ten—your fairy tale marriage, the one you’ve always dreamed of—where are you now? Where are you today? A lot of guys, I talk to them, they’re like, man, Doug, my wife would say a one, maybe a two. And if that’s you, I applaud you for your honesty. We lie to ourselves more than we lie to anybody else. I applaud you for your honesty.
Now, after you’ve done your first self-assessment, it’s time to fill the gaps. So if your lowest area is your health, you want to start there. If it’s relationships, start there. What I find is, that once you raise the bar in any territory, it starts to raise them in other ones. Now, for me and most of the men I know, relationships are the biggest domino. After that, it’s healthy. Those two come really close. Self, which is the hardest one for most guys to get, is actually the one we put first. Self—filling your own cup is all about putting the oxygen mask on yourself first, right? And then you can go out and help other people. But relationships are a big domino, right? It’s one of those big movers that, when your marriage is working, everything else seems to be working. You’re nicer to your kids. When your marriage is working, you’re nicer to yourself, you’re nicer to other people. So look at where you’re being there, and when you think about this concept of you being the ideal husband, you being the ideal man, do the self-assessment first. Figure out what your gaps are.
Now we can set SMART goals, actionable steps that are realistic for you. So, you know, if you’re 200 pounds overweight, don’t set a goal of losing 200 pounds. Start small, right? Hey, I’m gonna set a goal of going to the gym every day, right? All I have to do is check into the gym. So, back in my former life as a fitness professional, I accumulated 18 different degrees and certifications in health and fitness. You know, I do that when I’m into a subject, I dive deeply. What I would do for people when I had clients—and I still do this with my private coaching clients through TPM—is if fitness is the biggest thing, the biggest domino for them, they need to lose 100 pounds or whatever it is. All I tell them to do is, hey, go get a gym membership. You have to check into the gym five days a week. Now, you don’t have to work out. You don’t have to do anything, but you have to go there and check-in. You have your key card or whatever it is. Once you get in there, you can turn around and walk away. Guess what happens? Do you think? How many people turn away, go, drive to the gym, put their workout clothes on, go, check into the gym, then walk out immediately? Very few. They’re like, oh crap, well, I’m already here. I might as well get on the treadmill, or I might as well get under the squat bar. Whatever it is for them, they end up working out.
But if it’s relationships for you, what’s that thing that you get to do? What’s that micro-movement for you? Maybe it’s listening to the show on a regular basis. Maybe that’s your thing. Okay, I’m gonna digest a podcast every single day and do it while you walk, or do it while you’re going to check into the gym. Whatever it is for you, or maybe for you, it’s the area of self, right? Maybe you’re saying, hey, look, I’m gonna go back and listen to all the podcast episodes on self that we talk about because we’ve talked about that for a long time. We’ve had a program called The Alpha Reset for over eight years. It’s a life-changing program. We’re re-releasing The Alpha Reset that has pre-coursework, right? So, you go through a bunch of coursework before attending the event. Previously, this event was only available for men who were in our program called The Brotherhood or the Inner Circle—the one-year mastermind group program. But we’re releasing this to allow more people to be affected. It’s so transformational. Maybe it’s in wealth, in your spirituality. We’ll take those actions and fill those gaps, guys. So when you start filling these gaps, your wife is now going to be watching you. The people around you are going to watch you because now you’re a man of action, not a man of words, and a man of action inspires those around them to take action, right?
That’s what leaders do. To be a good leader, you have to show by your actions, not just your words, right? Yes, words are inspiring, and yes, words can motivate people temporarily, but that stuff wears out, right? If you’re trying to get the people around you to work hard, yet you’re just laying on the couch all day, it’s not going to last. You have to be a dictator to make that happen or a tyrant, if you would, to make that even a possibility. But if you’d like people to work hard around you, maybe you should work hard. Show them what working hard looks like and being effective with what you’re doing. The same thing is true with your relationships. If you’re complaining about your wife and you’re saying your wife needs to change—and guys, I hear this all the time—well, maybe you should start to change first. Maybe you should take the first step, and not just the first step, but take a friggin’ leap. Take a leap of a step. Do something massive to shake it up, whatever it is for you, right? And shake that up and move forward. Then what you’re going to find is the people around you are now going to have permission. You’re going to be calling them forward through your actions, not your words. You don’t have to brag about it, you don’t have to broadcast it, but they’re going to start to take action. You know I’m right. You know you’ve seen this happen in other areas of your life, time and time again. People are watching you.
Men are leaders. I know you’re leaders because you are now taking time to better yourself. That’s phenomenal, and I applaud you for that, gentlemen. As I always say, in the moment of insight, whatever insight you got from this, take massive action and take that action now. See you next time on the TPM Show.
