Episode #866
In this episode, we dig into why you’re feeling trapped in that same old loop and, more importantly, how to break free. Whether it’s your marriage, career, or personal goals, it all comes down to one thing: clarity. Or more specifically, the lack of it.
You’ll walk away with practical strategies to get yourself unstuck and start moving forward with purpose. We’ll cover the common pitfalls that hold men back from hitting their goals and how to take back control by zeroing in on what truly matters.
If you’re tired of spinning your wheels and ready to start getting real results, this episode is for you. Tune in and take that first step towards living a more powerful, purposeful life.
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Transcription
Tim Matthews 0:00
His wife and daughter left as though, you know, packed the bags. He was sitting there kitchen table, glass of whiskey, gun loaded. Maybe it’s just better if I’m not around.
Doug Holt 0:14
Some men, a lot of men don’t pull back off that road, and they just keep going. Number two, cause of death, number two, suicide number one, accidental death. We hear about stroke. We hear about heart disease. We’re about all these other things that kill people, men, women. We don’t hear about that very often.
Do you ever feel stuck, not sure what to do next, like, no matter how hard you put your foot on the gas, the tires are just spinning in the mud. Well, today, Tim and I are going to talk about not only getting stuck and how we got there, but how you get out. And not only how do you get out, but how do you get out expeditiously, so you have a mission and purpose, and you know where you’re going. You know that zone, that zone where you actually feel like you’re not even working, you’re just cruising along. You look down at the speedometer and you’re going 120 miles an hour, smooth, controlled, and guided, and that’s what we’re going to talk about today. Gents. Tim, thanks for being here as always, man.
Tim Matthews 1:19
Yeah, thank you, brother.
Doug Holt 1:20
Yeah. It’s been fun having you back at The Ranch and being able to do these with you in person. Absolutely great.
Tim Matthews 1:26
Three weeks, three events, fourth one happening now, but that’s been led by some of the amazing team, and a lot of podcasts, a lot of programming. It’s been great. I loved it.
Doug Holt 1:38
Absolutely Well, Tim, for the last decade, so over 10 years between you and I, we’ve been helping men with this problem and that they just feel stuck. They’ve, they’ve worked hard during their life, right? They’ve reached a certain age and a certain level of success, and when they got there, they’re not fulfilled, like, there’s like, okay, is this it like, I’ve worked my ass off, I’ve done what I’m supposed to do. I’ve been, been a good father relatively, maybe a good husband relatively, maybe a good member of my church community, relatively. And all of these things happen. And here I am in my 40s or late 30s or 50s or 60s or whatever age they are, when they recognize this and like, wait a minute, I’m here. Is this all it is? Is this all I get? I don’t feel fulfilled, I don’t feel happy, and I feel like when I try to push through this barrier, I just get more and more stuck.
Tim Matthews 2:32
Yeah, I can certainly relate. It happened. Luckily for me, it happened quite early on. It was mid to late, late 20s, I think back then in the fitness industry like you’ve been in, and I was growing a business which, ironically, was only for women, which is kind of strange looking back. But anyway, we, we own, I, we were the franchisor, built a fitness franchise, and it’s high it was one of the fastest growing fitness franchises in its niche, in the UK, and it just wasn’t what it was cracked up to be. I thought it was going to be something different. I thought it was going to be the answer, I guess, and it wasn’t, and I didn’t know why, because at that point, life seemed to be really good. I was kind of having and getting everything that I thought I wanted and needed. Yet the more that I got, the worse I felt, and the more lost I became. And it was really difficult to put into words what I was feeling. I just felt it was like a void. It’s like I felt a sense that there was something more, there was something better, something different that was out there for me, but I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know how to access it. I thought if I just worked harder on the fitness business, maybe that would be the answer. And then I realized it wasn’t. So luckily, I was able to build a fitness business and position it in a way where it then didn’t need me, which created a lot of space for me to kind of sit in this space and ask questions and just see what came. Luckily for me, it led to TPM, which was a complete blessing, definitely not what I was expecting, but that period prior was just very confusing.
Doug Holt 4:49
Yeah, it’s confusing for most men, and you throw on, say, 20 years of that experience doing more, right? So we teach a concept that is different for a lot of people and what most of us think. Here I am sitting 47 as we record this. If I do more, then I’ll have or get this result. Could be the lake house. It could be the house on the beach. Could be whatever. If I do more, then I’ll get more, and then I’ll be happy. I’ll be content. So do have to be now we teach the men because it’s what we’ve actually learned in our lives in the trenches, is there’s be come from a state of being. We do have then you do the work. You got to do the work, guys. It’s not like just sit there and rub your fingers together and just be happy. We do have, right? So that is a better methodology to go through. And a lot of men get stuck in this. Do have to be and so this is where you get this feeling. You add a couple of kids into the mix, and it’s even tougher, because you’re like, Okay, I’ve got the kids. I feel pulled to be with this kid, with that kid. Do they not want to hang on with me? I with me? Maybe things are good in your marriage. Probably not great, but maybe they’re good for some of these guys. Maybe they’re not, but either way to your point, you have this feeling like, is this it? I feel like I was meant for more out there. I feel like there’s more for me. And this is exactly why we have The Activation Method for self. A lot of people aren’t aware of this program. We’ve had this program for eight years now. I’m thinking seven, eight years that’s been out there, and we don’t advertise it as much, but it’s exactly the experiential stuff that men here are going through right now.
Tim Matthews 6:34
Yeah. I mean, it’s what Arthur on our team, he went through the program. Stu Franco Lee. They’re all in a similar spot. They all had a business and had built a life that they thought was going to be the answer. And as I said, the more that they had, the worse they felt. You know, Stu recorded a podcast while I was here at The Ranch a couple of weeks ago on this exact topic, and they’re not alone. You know, a lot of the guys that come to us feel very similar. You know, one of the men who recently went through the Alpha Reset, which obviously is part of The Activation Method for self. Within The Activation Method for self, we give the men a model that includes the model for grounded masculinity, live like a king system, and the Alpha Reset. Those three combined really get to the root of the issue for the men and help them remove it. The guys that have been through the process, I’m thinking of one in particular, Superman. Yeah, great guy. Amazing man. It got so bad for him that as you know, he was well a week before joining the program, sat by his table, gun loaded, ready to pull the trigger. His wife and daughter had left the house, and he just didn’t think there was a way out, and he was burning everything down. He was terrified he was going to lose everything because he was beginning to self-sabotage because he didn’t know the answer. I just had a huge argument with another huge argument with his wife. So much so he walked into his daughter’s bedroom and she was crying in the corner, and he was seeing that’s when he really saw the impact he was having on her, his wife and daughter left as though, you know, packed the bags left. He was sitting there, kitchen table, glass of whiskey, gun loaded. Maybe it’s just better if I’m not around.
Doug Holt 8:39
Sadly, it’s a common conversation men have in their heads, but a lot of people don’t realize we talk about it here, but I don’t hear it anywhere else. If you go to the CDC website in America, Center of Disease Control, or you go to what website is in the UK, I don’t know what it is, but the number two cause of death for men 14, I think, is to like 48 or something like that in the US. And I could be off by a few years, guys, but not a lot. The number two cause of death is suicide. It’s men who are looking for a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and none of them want to do that. It’s gotten so bad that their mind has taken over, or whatever that we call it, the stick man has taken over. He’s in the driver’s seat now the number one cause of death is accidental death. How many of those are suicides, men who want to make sure their family gets the insurance? I’ve heard this, and I know you have 100 times, is men have admitted like, yeah, I was driving down the road and I just turned off, and at the last second, I pulled back, and they were going to run off the road because they felt, you know what, maybe they’re better off without me, at least they’ll get the insurance money. Is the conversation that with the reasoning that was going on through their heads. Some men, a lot of men, don’t pull back off that road and they just keep going. Number two, cause of death, number two, suicide number one, accidental death. We hear about stroke, we hear about heart disease. We’re about all these other things that kill people, men, women. We don’t hear about that very often.
Tim Matthews 10:12
Yeah, it’s tragic. I love seeing the guys go through The Activation Method for self, and in that first training, they get to see the five agonies, yes, and they just all begin to make sense. The first agony is the agony of greed, which isn’t that they’re greedy, it’s just a feeling of emptiness. No matter what they have, it’s never enough. They have this insertion, insatiable void inside of themselves that they just can’t fill, no matter how much money or success or whatever it is they have. So the first agony is greed, and from that, it then leads to the second agony of anger, because they used to be able to solve problems and because they don’t understand what the problem is, and they don’t have that answer, they become very short-tempered, yeah, they become irritable. They lash out at the people they love, which then leads to the third agony of shame. They naturally then feel ashamed. I said it would be different. Why have I broken the promise again? How can I speak to my kids that way? How can I treat my wife that way? How can I speak to my staff that way? Which then leads to the fourth agony of loneliness. Well, maybe it’s just better if I’m not around. So stay at the office late so they’re not around the wife and kids, because they just can’t help it, the wife and kids are walking on eggshells. They start to pull away from friends because they feel like a fraud. Everyone looks at them as though they are this, this model of this exemplary businessman, all right, and so many assumptions are made with that the life and soul of the party, yet they know what’s happening behind closed doors, and that feeling of being like a fraud or an imposter and waiting for the rug to be pulled from beneath them leads to them isolating and withdrawing, loneliness, which then leads to the fifth agony of uncertainty. Which domino will fall first, because they can’t continue like this? Will it be the health? Will it be their marriage? Will it be a business, because they’re beginning to just withdraw and pull back from their life and they don’t have the solution? It’s where Arthur was when he joined the movement. It’s where Stu was peach when he joined the movement. It’s where Peach was, it’s where Lee was, it’s where Franco was, it’s where Superman was. And it’s tragic because I believe it’s where most of those guys are when they commit suicide.
Doug Holt 13:12
It is sad, it’s tragic. And for me, when I was in that state, I never considered suicide, just never was on my radar. I understand how guys could get there. I do, but it was never on my radar for me. It was I just felt like I was made for more. And so what I did, I would go, Okay, I need to do more right. Work, hard. Work smarter. Listen to more audiobooks, right? Work, longer hours. Take more coffee, well, after I’m done with my coffee, I’m gonna have an energy drink and then, you know, or whatever it is, or send the family on a vacation, and when they’re gone, I’m just gonna work the entire week, you know, 18 hour days, and they get back, I’m just fried. What’s changed? Maybe I made some more money. Maybe not. If I’ve made more money, I probably bought more things, you know, like, hey, check out this drone, or whatever, whatever it would be. So the end net, net, my income or my available assets were the same. And I kept pushing for this, this whole idea of more. I have to do more. Okay. Why am I not there? Okay? I gotta work out more. Okay. Then I gotta do this more. And it comes down to a feeling of not being enough, like I’m all shit I’m not enough. And it’s a really difficult one. I remember having a conversation with you one time, this has got to be seven years ago, and you and I were going back on the fourth with each other, just kind of trading our goals and, like, keeping each other accountable at this time.
And I remember one time because I just moved to Bend Oregon. It was our second year. Had a newborn in the house, and I had, I had built my businesses and systematized them, where I had a ton of free time. And so I’m gonna go do something fun. I grew up in Southern California, so fun for me was going to the beach, and working out. Side, playing soccer, playing beach volleyball. There’s none of that in the winter in Bend Oregon. Let me just tell you that right now. And so I really struggled to go have fun. Was like, I have all this free time gonna go have fun? Well, my wife and newborn are at home. They can’t go out and do a lot of things. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t having fun with them. I just wanna be clear on that. But I struggled. So I set a goal. I didn’t know how to snowboard at that time, and I remember showing you like, okay, by the end of these 90 days I’m gonna have. I’m making it up now, but 80 snowboard sessions are in, and I remember you going, huh? Is that really fun to you? It sounds like you’re just doing more. I was like, shit. I was just but I was searching for something to fill that void of doing rather than being. And the point is, guys, Tim and I get caught up in this all the time. We luckily have each other, the other coaches, and the men in the community, to bring us back in. But if you’re out there and you’re thinking, Man, I feel a little bit lost. I feel like I’m not sure what to do next. I’m just not feeling happy. Watch yourself if you start doing more things to be happy, right? Rather than stripping things away or doing a deep dive into a program that’s going to help you strip things away and see what’s really at the core.
Tim Matthews 16:14
You know, this is why we create The Activation Method of self, right? Because in this position, guys are deactivated in the area of self and the territory of self, just like The Activation Method for relationships, they’re deactivated relationships. And I think it’s why I know a big piece of why The Activation Method for self is so successful, is the experiential part of it, because
Doug Holt 16:43
hey guys, sorry to interrupt this episode, but the reality is, if you are watching or listening to this right now, then you are looking to better yourself, and I applaud you. You’re one of my people, and I want to give you the opportunity to take massive action. So if you haven’t joined The Activation Method yet. It’s our flagship program. Do what 1000s of other businessmen, just like you have done, and take action. Be one of the one percenters that actually does the work and takes action. There’ll be a link in the description that’ll take you right to a page that’ll just give you more information. There is no obligation. Just go check it out and see if it’s a good fit for you. All right, let’s get back to this episode.
Tim Matthews 17:27
There is no theory, no theoretical learning, in my opinion, that a guy can do to get to the root of this emotional problem because you can’t solve an emotional problem with logic. And that’s why The Activation Method for self is so effective because a key piece of it is the experiential element that men go through at the Alpha Reset.
Doug Holt 17:55
I’m going to add something here too, because I know if I had heard emotional things back in the day, I would have just flipped off. I would have, I just truly would have, I’m like, All right, whatever. But I think the thing that’s interesting with The Activation Method for self is it’s built by men, for men, real men, not I think the men’s movement. Unfortunately, there are like, different camps, if you will. You know, we focus on businessmen, but we’re real guys. We’re the guy you’re going to meet at the barbecue, at the church event, the synagogue or whatever religious event it is. We’re the guys you’re going to meet at the school board at the football game. We’re real men. We’re business owners. It’s just what we do. It’s our disease, if you will, we, we can’t help but do but I get business guys together where they going to talk about business, and so when you throw out the word emotion, most of us been told our whole lives to tap into our emotions and all this other stuff. I think it skirts a lot of guys. This system is built by men in the trenches, right? It’s not theoretical. Now we use a lot of theory to back up it. We’ve been doing it for over eight years. But I think it’s really important for guys to understand if they’re feeling stuck, you need a methodology or a pathway that’s built by like-minded people. So if you don’t consider yourself a guy’s guy, you don’t consider maybe consider yourself Ultra feminine man. I don’t know. I’m making this up. This may not be the best program for you, but if you consider yourself a guy’s guy, you know the guy, I call it a barbecue guy. You go camping with your kids, you do that kind of stuff. You still enjoy the finer things of life. You need to find a methodology, and this is what that methodology is, yeah, 100%
Tim Matthews 19:31
I think, a point of clarification for the guys there, as well as to your point, you were saying what you didn’t realize was underneath everything. You didn’t feel good enough. Same thing for me. I didn’t realize I just didn’t feel good enough. I mean, I’d net that thought had never even crossed my mind, trying
Doug Holt 19:53
to fill a void, and I didn’t even know there was a void there for me too. I thought I’d do more Haiti snowboarding sessions. 90 days sounded reasonable.
Tim Matthews 20:03
And, you know, I think for some of the men listening to this, it could be the first time they’re considering that. I’m not too sure. But the point is, if they have this void, they have tried to outwork it, I would have them consider that the problem isn’t a logical one that can be solved through, more to your point, that can be solved through work or audiobooks or even talking about it with other guys. The problem might be an emotional one that has a root cause in some kind of emotion that you may be holding on to, that you’re not even aware of. I know there were quite a few for me that shocked me and gave them an outlet. But when you actually go through something that gives you an opportunity to experience certain things, you start speaking the right language, and by speaking the right language, you’re able to solve the root cause of the problem rather than just dealing with the symptoms, because that’s an easy trap to fall into. Just deal with the symptoms. The symptom is I keep losing my temper and shining at my kids. Oh, well, I’m just going to be better. I’m going to finish work earlier, I’m going to decompress, I’m gonna, I’m just gonna try and be better, which might work for a little bit, but then willpower runs out. The root cause hasn’t been addressed, and it will eventually bubble to the surface, whether it’s after a few days, whether it’s a few weeks, whatever it may be, same with, let’s say it’s you are overworking because you that’s the methodology using try and solve the issue. Oh well, I realize I’m not going to work too much, so I’m just going to try and work less. So you finish work a bit early, you take a day off, and then you don’t have a clue what to do with that day. Like, well, crap, may as well just work. Oh well, no, I said I wouldn’t work. I said I’d take more time for myself. Eventually, it bubbles to the surface. Willpower fades because you haven’t addressed the route. It will keep rising 100%
Doug Holt 22:12
I’ve been there so many times I can’t even imagine. I think most of the guys here can get it right. Work is the default excuse that we could use, and it’s getting to that root. You know, the analogy I like to use Tim is, you know, we have a garden outside the room that we’re in right now, and in that garden, weeds grow. Now, if I go through and I take the weed whacker, or whatever an edger, I go through and I just whack the tops of those weeds, the garden looks pretty good for a day or two. What happens? Those weeds regrow and they come to the surface. Then I can whack them again and keep going through this process. I used to, used to use that analogy of Whack a Mole, but the things just keep coming up again and again and again. Now I could be smarter as a gardener of my garden, and the keeper of the garden, I should say, and go in and dig out the root of the weed. If I drink out the root of that weed, that weed will never grow again, never. It takes a little bit more time. Takes I have to get my hands in the dirt, you know, where I didn’t have to before. But then I never have to deal with that particular weed ever again. I think men get this in business. I think some men get this in their health, not all, but they miss this in their personal lives. When you talk about snapping at your kids or your wife, and that scenario where you snap at them, you lose your temper, and then you have to spend the next two weeks repairing that relationship and the guilt and shame that comes with that. And after guilt and shame, you get angry at yourself, and you bottle that anger down, then you snap again. Then you feel guilt and shame that you snapped and then you bottle it down it turns into anger, and then you snap again. That’s guilt. It’s a loop that guys get stuck in time and time again. So you need to go in there as the gardener of your own mind, the gardener of your own soul, and grab that weed and pull it out, if not for you, but at least do it for your kids.
Tim Matthews 24:07
I love that metaphor, and you’re kind of speaking what I was thinking. Imagine if the guys are listening to this, I’m talking about this emotional problem and finding a way to get to the root of it, that in my opinion, for us at TPM, isn’t about sitting in a circle and seeing Kumbaya and trying to process, let’s say, your emotion. There are very primal emotions that as men, anger is one of them that are very healthy for us to feel and express in the right environment, done in a way whereby you can actually get to the root of the anger, express it in the way that it’s meant to be expressed. Anger cannot be. Express through talking, and as a result, the peace and calm that you can experience on the other side of the anger being released is profound. We have seen men. They literally change color. Their face literally changes shape. Their eyes are different on the other side of the processes we take them through in The Alpha Reset and The Activation Method for self because, to your point, they’ve been trying to stuff down and bottle down all of these things for their entire lives. You know, guys, we’re taught, don’t be intimidating. Don’t be scared. Don’t be all these different things related to anger itself. Yet we feel anger because we’re human beings. It’s not a design flaw. So again, it can be a very healthy thing, yet we’ve never been allowed to express it. Couple that over several decades, and it just becomes this dormant volcano that ends up erupting at the most random times, like with the kids or at the wife, or at work, the people around them don’t have a clue what’s going on, what because the reaction seems so disproportionate to the event, but it’s because Everything keeps simmering beneath the surface. And for a guy who is stuck, in order to get unstuck and get clear, you must get to the root and give yourself an opportunity to release that root in a way that that root is meant to be released.
Doug Holt 26:39
So true in their science backs this up. Science
Tim Matthews 26:44
is now backing us up a lot. There are a lot of books that are now coming out about the Body Keeps the Score and, yeah, a lot of epigenetic material. And there’s a lot of it, yeah, and
Doug Holt 26:55
a point of clarification, just because I can see some guys going here, it’s not like a black guy turns to a white guy and a white guy, we say changing color, but I’m gonna just share a story, if I can. We were doing an event. Let’s call it an event in Wales. And for my geographically challenged brethren who are out there, Wales doesn’t have sun, so there’s this guy going through this experience. And one of the experiences that we do on day two, if you know, you know, as we always say, and so the guy’s going through the experience. And from an outsider’s point of view, a coach’s point of view, his transformation just looks epic. Looks amazing, like this guy had, it’s like somebody most of our men describe the event like The Matrix. They took the pill, and all of a sudden they could see the world as it really is. And all of a sudden, this guy is putting his hands on his face, rubbing his hair, and he happens to be near a mirror and sees himself, and he goes, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. And he started to get really worried. Do you remember this? And as coaches, we’re like, oh, what’s wrong? Like, this is an unusual response. Usually, men are just gleeful. They’re happy because, you know, some guys describe it as a rebirthing if you will. And we’re like, what’s going on? What’s going on, everything. Okay? And so this guy, this guy was so pasty white when he walked the door. He made me look tan. That’s hard to do, right? I’ve lived by the beach most of my life. I just don’t tan. I go, I go, this color and pink or red. And he looks at his skin. He’s looking at his arms. Oh shit, oh shit. He’s looking at his body if you can imagine somebody. And he goes, he looks, turns around. Everybody goes, my wife will never believe I was in Wales because pigment got restored to his body. Because when you release something deep inside, something we’ve stuffed down, and most of us don’t even know it’s there, right to your point earlier, we just don’t know it’s there like you were talking about vitality in a previous podcast. We don’t know what’s possible for us. And he had released something that needs stuff down. When I say release it, I mean, he got to the root of it and was able to rip it out and see it for its truth. And that freed him. And when that freed him, my this is my amateur biologist, or what have you, is that allowed his capillaries to open up, the energy to flow through his body in a better way, and all of a sudden that blood flow started going through him in a different way, whereas he was able to get more pigment, and he went from what I’m going to call butt white to just dug white, right? But that was a big gap, and it was just so funny. We all started cracking up because he’s like, my wife’s never going to believe I was in Wales. She’s going to think I was in like, some island somewhere, but this is what happens when men get to the root of the issue and it’s and it can be scary, but courage is being scared and doing it anyway. And I know when I went through these processes, Tim, I was like, I don’t really think I have anything going on, but I did it anyway because I wanted to be better. A father, right? I wanted to, I brought my kids into this world. So if I was like, hey if there’s anything that’s holding me back, I want to deal with these issues now so that my kids don’t repeat this pattern. And boy, did I find some stuff, and I was so glad that I dug it up, because now my son, my daughter, they’re not going to have to have to deal with this by me repeating the patterns that my father my mother passed on to me and that their parents passed on to them. We just don’t see them because we’re so close to it.
Tim Matthews 30:29
Yeah, I mean, you don’t know how heavy something is until you put it down 100% you know, there’s guys that are walking around with a huge, weighted backpack, and they’ve just gotten used to walking around carrying 2030 kilos, 2030 pounds, whatever you want to say, and through the process, we’re able to take that off, and they then really realize, Wow, I feel so much lighter. Can life be so much easier? I didn’t know this was possible. I didn’t know this was possible.
Doug Holt 31:11
Yeah, it’s absolutely amazing. I love this conversation because, I mean, look, man, I’ve been in that car where I felt like I was stuck, and the more I hit the gas, the more the wheels just spun, and I dug myself down, not knowing, not having a methodology, a proven method, that I could go through, and not knowing, oh, hey, if I just put this under the tires in the back, don’t have to hit the gas hard, I’ll get right out of this puddle easily. And having those skill sets, and that’s what The Activation Method for self really does, in my mind. It helps a man get very clear on His purpose, His mission, where he is, where he is today, and then how to get there. And men come out of that renewed, refreshed. Often, you know, talking about, hey, I feel like I’m in my 20s again, except for now. I’m not going to make the dumb decisions, because I have the wisdom of being in my 40s, or whatever age
Tim Matthews 32:01
they are, yeah, they become very clear on who they are and what they want, yep, and
Doug Holt 32:05
that’s a sexy thing for a woman, too. Oh, I 100% love it, gentlemen. As we always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. If you’re feeling stuck, you’re unsure what to do next, and you feel like, man, just like I described, you know, that’s been in my life. It’s been in Tim’s life, where you feel like I’m just hitting the gas and I’m just not getting the steam I used to, I’m not going as fast as I’m used to, or as one guy described to me, I feel like a ship that’s just rudderless in the ocean right swinging to the waves. Then there’ll be a link below if you want to learn about The Activation Method for yourself we’re re-releasing that program. We’ve had it for over eight years. We’re re-releasing it’s refined, it’s retuned. We always do that with our programs, but this is going to be a special kickoff. Be one of the first to get involved and get the information. Guys take action. Remember, we’re always in your corner, and we’ll see you next time on the TPM.
