Episode #902
Do you struggle to communicate your needs in your relationship?
In this episode, we dive into the art of creating clear agreements and holding each other accountable in a way that strengthens your relationship instead of causing conflict.
You’ll learn:
- Why getting clear on your needs is the first step to better communication.
- How to navigate tough conversations with your wife without triggering defensiveness.
- Tips for making accountability feel supportive rather than controlling.
- Why mutual growth is essential for a thriving relationship.
We also share personal stories, actionable insights, and strategies you can start using today to improve connection and create a deeper, more intentional relationship.
Listen in and discover how small changes in clarity and communication can transform the way you show up in your marriage.
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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
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Transcription
Tim Matthews 0:00
The most important thing for me is connection. Number one, above everything else in my relationship, is connection. Yeah, I want her to be supportive of the mission that I’m on, but regardless, I’m doing the mission I want. She will respect me just like I respect her. I will not be sworn at, I will not be belittled—any of those things—but above all of that, the number one thing is connection.
Hello, everybody, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. I’m your host, Tim Matthews, with three amazing guests:
Gift 0:49
The Gift.
Austin 0:51
Austin.
Arthur 0:53
Arthur.
Tim Matthews 0:54
There we go.
Gift 0:57
You want to restart that?
Tim Matthews 0:59
No, never. We should have read out your poem. Oh, that fires. Yeah, huh.
Austin 1:06
You got it, my heart, man.
Tim Matthews 1:08
Yeah, go for it. Yeah, carry on. Okay. So what I would like to talk about is something that a lot of guys struggle with, and it is holding people accountable. Whether it’s the wife, whether it’s the staff, whether it’s themselves—whoever it may be—I see a lot of guys struggle in creating very clear agreements upon which they can hold people accountable. And even if those clear agreements are in place, they still then struggle at times to do just that: hold them accountable for various reasons. So let’s dive into it, highlight some of the reasons why, and give some strategies around how to do it. Yeah, awesome.
Arthur 2:13
I think the first problem that arises is that we are not clear on exactly… and it depends. It’s different, I guess, in business and in relationships. Let’s talk about relationships: what we need and want from people. All right, we’re not clear in ourselves what that is, and so we never get to a point of clarifying that and then communicating that. And that’s something that’s come to light in the last six months. More and more guys… like, the conversation has obviously been going around, and I think probably Prague kicked it off. It’s like getting really clear on what you need, what you want. First, most guys don’t know that. Most people don’t know that, right? I think I need this. Oh, I think I want that. I think that’s the only thing I want. You know, whether it’s sex or whatever, but that’s, you know, it’s not enough. We got to get clear on what our needs are, what our wants are, and then be able to communicate that. And as you say, then get into an agreement with the other person that that’s what matters to us. That’s what we need.
One key thing that happens after that is the conflict, right? A lot of people—the tension. So you’ve got the tension, right? And can you sit with it? Is the question. And then the other part of it is the conflict, right? So the other person doesn’t adhere to the agreement. You know, if you’ve had the agreement conversation, now what happens, right? And a lot of guys we deal with—and myself—we don’t like conflict so much, right? And that’s something we get to work on. So we won’t address it. We won’t hold people accountable because we don’t want that conflict. We’re not comfortable with it.
Tim Matthews 3:54
Yes, that’s fascinating. I’ve not thought about taking it a step back to the idea that you’ve got to be clear on what it is you want first and foremost. Because, yeah, I’d agree. I think a lot of guys are not clear on what they want. I don’t think guys… let me say it a different way. I don’t want to keep talking about the “don’ts.” I think you have an opportunity to sit with that more frequently and reflect on it more frequently, because it’s going to change as well over time, right? What you want—what I wanted 10 years ago, five years ago, two years—is different from what I want now.
And, you know, without digressing (so I don’t want to), I see, for me at least, that’s the importance of doing my weekly review, monthly review, quarterly review, because it enables me to make sure that I’m checking in with myself and reflecting upon where I am, where I’m going, and what I actually want and need. If I’m just constantly being busy cranking stuff out—boom, boom, boom, boom, do, do, do, do, do—there’s never any space to connect to myself, right? But I think you’re spot on.
It reminds me of a psychedelic experience I had in August when I went to the Netherlands. I think I told you this. So just before then, I was feeling like there was something more that I wanted in my relationship with Amelia, and I wasn’t quite sure what it was. I was trying to pinpoint it. I’m like, what is it that matters the most to me? Is it support? Is it trust? Is it respect? Is it connection? Is it like… what is it? Is it physical intimacy? And as things always do when you go into a growth event—whether it’s The Alpha Reset , whether it’s here, whether it’s psychedelics—at least in my experience, and working with thousands of men, there’s always a storm that brews up right before you go into it, right?
And just literally before setting off to the airport to go on that trip, Amelia asks me, “Oh, what’s your intention?” I tell her, “Hey, look, there’s, you know, there’s something that I feel is missing, and I need to figure out what it is.”
“What do you mean?”
It just went… and I was still getting clear. And I’m like, “Listen, just leave me to sit with this. I need to just get clear on this.”
And that just kicked it up. “Well, you’re not meeting my needs either.” Boom, boom, boom.
“Okay, okay.”
So what came out of that was a real clarity for me, that the most important thing for me is connection. Number one, above everything else in my relationship, is connection. Yeah, I want her to be supportive of the mission that I’m on. But regardless, I’m doing the mission I want. She will respect me just like I respect her. I will not be sworn at, I will not be belittled—any of those things—but above all of that, the number one thing is connection.
I had a very visceral experience during that, and it was just oh so clear. It was incredible. So coming out of that were some very tough conversations, a lot of tears, and a lot of very calm, clear communication from myself about what I am unwilling to live without. At which point, she has a choice, right? “Hey, do I want to give that? And am I, well, am I willing and able to give it, basically?” Because she may not value that, right?
And these conversations went on for quite some weeks, and I was refusing to back down. I would not—like a dog with a bone—I’m not backing down. This is a hill I will die on. I’m not stepping away from it. So we’re on that journey, right, of learning to achieve and experience what it is, frankly, I want. I’m the one that wants that more than her, and I’m not talking about sex. It’s different. Sex is part of it, but it’s a deeper layer and level of connection that I’m wanting. And not to say that things were bad—things were very good compared to a lot of other standards—but I just needed and wanted more.
And I think in that moment, what can stop guys from asking themselves what they want and need is guilt. “Well, you know it’s good enough, and you know it’s better than most. And can I really ask for that? And is it fair? It’s a bit selfish.” “It’s okay, look, it’s better than my friends.” It’s better than all those stories that come up that hold them back from really asking for what it is they want and being willing to do so with clarity as well.
I think the important thing as well, when you have those conversations, is how you have them. Because if it’s with your partner and your intimate relationship, if you do it from a place of criticism—“Yeah, hey, I realize I want this thing, and what is happening right now, it’s not good enough”—she’s going to fight back because she feels criticized, right? Understandably. I think if the roles were reversed, the same might happen, right? It doesn’t foster a curious lens when someone feels criticized.
So I think being clear with yourself, getting rid of the stories of “Well, it’s good enough” or the guilt or the shame or the selfishness or “I don’t want to be a dick”—I think it’s a common one for guys: “I don’t want to come across like a dick, you know, for asking for what I want”—having the conversation in a way whereby you can lower the guard. And it comes from a place of curiosity and reminding them that, “Hey, you’re important to me. I love you. I want this. I want this thing with you. I’m not just saying I want it. I’m choosing to have it with you. I want this with you. You mean the world to me. This relationship means the world to me, and I want this thing with you.” At least in my experience, reminding them of that can help a hell of a lot.
Tim Matthews 10:05
But then comes, once the agreement’s made (which can take a while)…
Austin 10:05
And put this agreement in writing?
Tim Matthews 10:09
You could, yeah.
Austin 10:10
Or is it more just like, you know, it’s your spouse, right? So you’re…
Tim Matthews 10:15
I think at work, obviously, you’re going to put it in writing—scorecards, contracts, whatever. You’ve got to be careful about the energy you bring into the relationship, obviously. Yeah, maybe family values could be a way of making some agreements, but you want to keep the energy with your partner light. You don’t want to make it like a business meeting, so you’ve got to be careful there.
But if I speak about myself, if I am unwilling to sacrifice what it is I want—like I’m unwilling to refuse to have it—then I’m gonna get it one way or another. But if I don’t have that level of conviction in myself for whatever reason, then it’s not gonna happen. It’s just not, because just like building a business, just like doing anything, you’re going to face challenges. For you to form a new agreement in your relationship, let’s say, it’s going to require rocking the boat. You’re going to rock the boat because you’re going to have to break down something that went before in order to make way for something new. It’s gonna be uncomfortable. You’re gonna get tested. It’s gonna be difficult for a period of time, but it has to be.
It’s just like a stage of growth in a business, right? The team that got you to one level doesn’t get you to the next. There’s all sorts of things you hear, right? But once that agreement’s made, however long that takes—sometimes it’ll be quick, sometimes it won’t—after that, then comes the point of holding them accountable to the agreement, which I think is worth diving into as well. I kind of went off on one then.
Austin 11:57
That was good, though.
Arthur 11:58
Yeah. And I think the accountability side, which I guess is what we started talking about, is the key part. How do we stay on that road, making sure that both parties are working towards the same goal? When we’re talking, you know, “I need this,” and then she’ll go, “I need this,” and then you go back and forth, and it’s a ping-pong game. But when we say, like, “What’s the best for the relationship? Right? What’s going to bring out the best in us for this relationship? How do we strengthen this relationship?”—we make the relationship the point and not each other.
That gives us a better platform to have these discussions because then it becomes quite easy and quite clear what it’s going to take to improve the relationship. So, you know, like one of the big issues within a relationship—or just life—is phone usage. Yeah, we get sucked into our phones. How many guys have complained about their other half being stuck on the phone, you know? And, like, “I want to communicate. I want to sit down,” you know? And I’m sure it happens both ways, you know—it’s not one-sided. And so there’s got to be an agreement around that. You know, we’re going to spend quality time together. You’ve got to get off your phone. You’ve got to be present, you know.
And so when we say, “Get off your phone,” and we say, “Get off your phone,” you’re going to take that personally. “Oh, no, you get off your phone.” But if we say, like, “Okay, we really need some quality time to improve our relationship. How can we make that happen?”—it creates a better environment for both parties to jump in and say, “Oh, well, we can do this,” instead of, “You do this,” or “I do this.”
Tim Matthews 13:36
Yeah, he’s spot on. I think, in terms of holding—providing—the accountability as well, assuming the best is really important. You know, assuming… so I’ll use Amelia and me. So I’ve come back here on this connection. We form a new agreement within which she’s made requests too. Totally fine. Yeah, right. Cool. I want this. You want that. Perfect. I think at that point, at least for me, it’s very important to go all in. “Okay, you want that, right? Your needs become my needs.” And I then do my best—which I am doing my best; I’m not perfect by any means—but doing my best of going all in, not only on myself, but giving myself permission to have what I want and being fully me.
Doug Holt 14:19
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Tim Matthews 14:56
Also, all in on the relationship by going all in on doing my absolute best to give Amelia everything that she wants, regardless of whether she’s giving me what I want. And obviously, I’m not going to do that indefinitely, because there will come a point in time where, hey… because I want to provide the accountability. But let’s say if she isn’t doing the thing and I’m still all in, then me then saying to her, “Hey, I know we made an agreement. I know how important it is for you that we connected, and I know how much we want to be with each other. And you’ve been really busy lately, and I’d really love to see you do…” Boom, boom, boom, boom, right? So be it validation or whatever—just assuming the best rather than getting pissed off and frustrated and then making accusations and assumptions and blame. “Well, you’re not doing this for me, so I’m not going to do it for you, and you just do this, and you just do that, and you don’t care,” and it just doesn’t work, right? Anywhere else, yeah, in anything—be it business, be it relationships. So assuming the best when providing the accountability is really important, in my opinion.
And then also, let’s say you provide the accountability the first time, you might do it gently, like I just kind of gave an example of. The second time might be a little bit firmer, and that second time might come within five minutes, it might come within five days, right? This is how I like to do it anyway. And then the third time is going to be, at least for me, a lot firmer and a lot clearer, because clearly the message isn’t being received for whatever reason. So I’m going to make sure by that final time the message is going to be received. However that happens, it gets more direct—body language, tonality, whatever it may be, right—very clearly communicate the consequences of what will happen if this continues to be the choice of behavior.
But it’s got to be done because a lot of guys talk about how they want respect, right? People who get respect need to stand for something. That’s what people respect about somebody—what they stand for. So if you’re unwilling to create an agreement because you’re not clear on, let’s just say, what you want, or you do come up with an agreement but you don’t uphold it and don’t provide the accountability, then that’s worse—far worse—than not having the agreement in the first place, because then your word doesn’t count for anything.
Arthur 17:24
Yeah, and it’s a really key part to the growth and evolution of a relationship, because you’re going to need that accountability with each other in order to grow. And a relationship will only work if both people are growing. So, you know, in a previous episode, we spoke about having the people around you, having those outside eyes in. If we’re going to grow, we need to be pushing each other. So, like, many times, me and Penelope, right, we had different growth spurts. Sometimes she would be growing, and I would be plateauing, let’s say, and then I’d see her, and she’d inspire me and think, like, look at her. She’s doing this, she’s doing that. I’d better pull my socks up, and then I would go and do something else. And so we bounce off each other. That’s kind of healthy, I think, in my mind, right? We’re using each other, inspiring each other, but we’re both growing in the relationship. And so that agreement is never going to be static, right? It’s a constant communication, right? Because you’re upgrading, you’re updating yourself, you’re growing. Things move on, okay? So that moves on. It’s like a moving document or living document—I think is a better way to say it.
Tim Matthews 18:39
What do you guys think so?
Gift 18:42
I mean, for me personally, I experienced it as open and honest communication. So sometimes you don’t even know what you want. You don’t know what you don’t want. So you have to really know what you want and know what you don’t want, and you have to establish those and discuss them. So in the end of my relationship with Jenna, we had a lot of clearing conversations and had the opportunity to just talk back and forth about what our relationship was and where we went wrong. And I started to realize, as I was saying things about my expectations, about my needs, I said, “Wow, I never clearly communicated them to her.” So how can I… but I was resentful of it. But it was my fault that I did not communicate.
So I think a lot of people don’t even know. I know that I didn’t know what I didn’t like—or I knew it, but it just might not have been clear in my head to express it. And I think you have to establish those. Then you can come up with an accountability plan, right? If you don’t truly know what you want and don’t want, how can you ever be accountable to it, you know?
Austin 19:36
Yeah, I go to business a little bit with it, because that’s where it’s easy for me. I think in relationships, it’s a lot harder because the agreement is more, you know, fluid, less concrete, if you will. You know, we did an exercise in business recently. We had kind of this territory of our business where it was just kind of convoluted, where nobody really was taking ownership of a certain facet. And we realized we just really had a need for a project manager. And it’s like, okay, if we have this project manager, and it’s taken for, you know, some duties from this position, this position, this position.
And what we did is we kind of drew like a four-circle Venn diagram, if you will. And it’s like, okay, these were what these three roles were before, and then really defined what it was for that one role. And I think that’s where it comes down to—getting clear on expectations, who owns what, what is important, and what that person’s going to do. And that’s where you can hold accountability to that position. But in a relationship, it’s a lot more fluid. I think, as a man especially, it’s difficult to try to get a woman to do anything, but that’s where you kind of have to come at it with that energy.
Tim Matthews 20:52
You’ve got to lead. Yeah, yeah, you’ve got to lead. And I think it’s also important to be clear in your own mind—you know, what hill is worth dying on? Because you don’t want to create agreements around everything and accountability around everything. There’s value in some things being fluid, and there are certain things that are absolute. “Hey, this is a requirement for me.”
It’s easy when guys hear things like this and want to go too far and create too many agreements or too much accountability—or too little, right? And there’s a middle path whereby, if you are clear on what’s really important to you, for example, me with the connection—just use that piece. And before, I thought it was respect. Respect, trust—I knew connection was important, but really it was respect and trust, because in the previous relationship, that was the one thing I really lacked. I said, “I will never be in that position again.” And as we’ve been together 10 years now, as it evolves: “All right, this is now my need.”
So, to your point, to openly and honestly be able to communicate—but within it, having points where you guys check in as a couple, be it weekly, be it monthly. “Hey, how am I doing as a husband? Give me a rating out of five.” Keep it light, right? But just, “Hey, how am I doing?” Who knows? Maybe that parlays into her asking you, “Hey, how am I doing?”
Austin 22:13
That’s his best, you know—a little bit of a check-in. And I’ve been starting to do brunch on Fridays with my wife, and I feel like that’s my time to really check in with her. Before, never even having a time and not actually putting that conversation out there to really touch base with her. “Am I meeting your needs?”
Tim Matthews 22:33
Because some of the agreements you make are going to come up based on how things are progressing and evolving, right? Well, all of them are, quite frankly. But an important question is, how would you like to be held accountable? Which you don’t often consider. So if you try and hold your wife or partner accountable in the way you hold someone in business accountable—yeah, that’s not gonna work. But there is a commonality.
Gift 22:57
What I was just thinking as he was saying business—there is a commonality between business and relationships. And what I think is that your wife or your girlfriend, or an employee—I think, generally speaking, they want to do what it is you’re asking if you tell them. If you clearly tell them, “Hey, this is what I need you to do,” they don’t want to fail. I mean, an employee wants to do the best they can.
Tim Matthews 23:18
Right, generally speaking. The right people do. The right partner, then yes, for sure. But even still, definitely with your partner, in my opinion and my experience, asking them how they like to be held accountable. “How would it work? How would you like me to let you know how this is going?” Yeah, right? Because if you just think, “Oh, well, I’m gonna just deliver it this way or that way,” it can quite easily get their back up.
Austin 23:48
That is a great insight.
Gift 23:50
Yeah, you’re not gonna get them receptive to having the conversation to begin with.
Austin 23:54
Yeah, you’re not gonna give your wife a 90-day review. And to that, like asking an employee too, “Hey, how do you like feedback? How do you want to be held accountable?” I think that’s a great insight, even in business, because you don’t often ask that. And I think an employee and a spouse would both respect the hell out of that and be like, “Oh, I can actually… I have input here.”
Tim Matthews 24:15
Yeah, just like I have ways I like to be held accountable, right? You guys in tuition as well. Yeah, so I want to be held accountable in that way. Otherwise, people in my life might think they are holding me accountable—and this has happened for me before—and I’m just not seeing it. I need it to be very clear, very direct, with no accusations and no assumptions. Don’t tell me what my intent was. Don’t attack my character. Don’t come at me with a certain tone. But be very honest, very clear, very direct, and tell me exactly what you see. Don’t sugarcoat it. Don’t be a yes-man. I need the truth. But I need it without, like I say, the assumptions, the accusations, or attacking my character. When people give me that—perfect. Yeah, I’m very open to that. If they come at me with, “Well, you did…” and they’re very vague and make assumptions, it just doesn’t go well for me.
Gift 25:10
That definitely resonates with me.
Tim Matthews 25:13
Anything else you want to add?
Arthur 25:15
Yeah, just going back to… I suppose this is one takeaway that listeners can work with: getting clear on what they need and want. And one way to do it is to figure out what they don’t want. And it’s an easier way, usually, for people to make a list like, “You know, this is what I don’t want in a relationship.” Bang out 10 points. Okay, cool. Now, what’s the opposite of that?
Gift 25:39
And if you don’t do it, you’re gonna find out sooner or later anyway.
Austin 25:42
Yeah, I think everyone’s waiting to hear this poem.
Tim Matthews 25:45
Oh, well, let’s finish on that. Let’s do one takeaway from Austin, from you.
Austin 25:53
My takeaway—you know, we did this exercise at the Alpha Rising just recently: the King’s Manifesto. And I think that’s a way of, like, you know, putting your stake in the ground of, like, “This is how I’m going to rule my kingdom,” if you will. And I think that is also a way to hold yourself accountable, right? Because I think we’ve talked a lot about holding your spouse accountable or holding others accountable, but also, like, if you’re not holding yourself accountable and having that respect for yourself… Because you said this a couple times this week: it’s like, you know, if you make an agreement with yourself, the fastest way to get self-respect is, like, make an agreement with yourself and keep the promise, right? But the fastest way to also, like, lose self-respect is to make an agreement and not follow through. And so, like, it starts with self and then can overflow into, you know, your team, your spouse.
Tim Matthews 26:45
Yeah, great point.
Gift 26:46
I think for me, it’s kind of… because if it’s a relationship, making sure you’re both in a good place and ready to have that conversation. And you sit down, and, you know, like you said, the accountability—asking how you want to be held accountable, right? So you have the discussion, but then you ask the person. Just make it light. Keep it light, but make sure you start when everyone’s happy. It’s a good day, not a bad day.
Tim Matthews 27:08
That’s a big piece, and I wouldn’t use the word “accountable” with your wife. “How would you like…? How would it work for you to let me know how this is going, or how we’re doing?” or whatever. Keep it very…
Austin 27:20
You know, such a key insight. Yeah, men always put that logic like, “I’m gonna hold my wife accountable.” That’s a terrible dictator.
Tim Matthews 27:31
Thing for me would be really going into this with curiosity and assuming the best in the other person. That’s a really important piece to this. If you’re assuming the best, then things are going to go—much more likely to go—a hell of a lot better versus assuming the worst and criticizing.
Gift 27:51
And something you said is that being very clear: “I want to be in this relationship. I want this to work.” Right? They have to feel that love energy, and then they’re going to open up and say, “Oh, okay, this is for the best for us. I’m not being attacked here. I’m not, you know, I’m not being controlled.”
Tim Matthews 28:07
Yeah, it’s powerful. Remember when I was saying this to Amelia? “Look, I want this with you. Yeah, of all the women, I am choosing you, and I choose you every day. I am choosing to have this with you. If you don’t want this with me, that’s fine. Just let me know. But I’m choosing you.” It’s a very—you know, when they hear that, and it’s gotta be authentic, obviously. But anyway, let’s go to your poem.
Gift 28:34
All right. Well, this was written at The Ranch here for the Alpha Rising. It was a night that was a challenging night. So it’s called The Gift. I’ll give a little context behind it. So Jason Decker had shared something—he’s one of the brothers—about “we are the prize.” And he was speaking to men about being the prize after, you know, guys who do the work. And so:
We are the prize,
Recently said by a brother who is wise.
I am not the prize—this,
I have come to realize.
A prize can be won in a carnival.
A gift is very intentional.
A prize is won and often discarded.
It has no emotional value. It is disregarded.
A gift is given for someone special.
I believe it is appreciated by those blessed to receive.
When I give a gift, it’s for the receiver to treasure,
Not to be placed on a shelf after a moment of pleasure.
If my gift is not valued, it is completely fine.
I don’t need approval to be in my divine.
I give all of myself—my love—unconditionally.
That is how true gifts are intended to be.
You will receive my gift when I call you my brother,
The same gift of love that I will give my significant other.
I give you this gift in hopes you will cherish
And reflect on me long after I perish.
I know my value.
I know my worth.
I am the gift.
Tim Matthews 30:09
Beautiful. So, like Dougie Fresh always says: the moment of insight, take massive action. We’ll see you next time on TPM Show.
