Episode #100
Oftentimes, we forget to detach and shut off from work.
All of our energy and the best of us go to our work during the day….and our family only gets the leftovers when we get home.
Pay attention to the warning signs.
Because we get complacent, we often don’t notice that we are not being the man that our wives married.
And the thing is…the gap you created will grow over time and you will lose the connection in the relationship.
The gap grows, intimacy shrinks and your wife will start looking somewhere else…
In this episode, we talk about HOW to save your relationship and the steps to reconnecting with your spouse. How to take action for your relationship and get back to a place of being present and connected.
In this episode you will learn :
- The importance of being connected and emotionally present for your wife
- How to save your relationship
- How to reach out and have an honest conversation
- Why you should take ownership of your actions as a man
- How to truly know and understand your spouse
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Episode Transcript
Tim Matthews 0:00
In this particular case, she was about to cheat on the man she was married to because he wasn’t the man that she married. She might have been the wife of the woman that he married as well. I’ve never actually had anyone say, Well, yeah, there’s always this scenario and neither of them being the person other than the other one married.
Doug Holt 0:23
Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host and founder, Tim, The Powerful Man Matthews. What’s going on, buddy?
Tim Matthews 0:38
Yeah, I’m doing great. He threw a little curveball in there and the founder.
Doug Holt 0:43
I know, I knew you were sitting there going? Oh, no. Is he going to say The Powerful Man or not? Is he going to say it?
Tim Matthews 0:51
Bored of myself just riding on this wave of “The Powerful Man.”
Doug Holt 0:59
In all truth, you are a powerful man, as a mind, as are the men listening in the program. So it’s just the truth.
Tim Matthews 1:09
Doug, hold on a minute; I’ve just realized something. This is the 100th episode.
Doug Holt 1:14
Whoa, look at that. Awesome.
Tim Matthews 1:16
This is the 100th episode. I love the topic that we’ve got for today’s show, and it’s very befitting of a centenary.
Doug Holt 1:25
Suppose you throw out the big words. Awesome. So what is the topic for today, Tim?
Tim Matthews 1:29
So the topic is drumroll, please. His wife was about to cheat on him.
Doug Holt 1:40
Oh, yeah, a lot of guys can relate to this?
Tim Matthews 1:45
Yeah, we often are men, and I’m just going to generalize here, but often, we like to think that the wife would never do anything like that. I spoke with a business owner today. He told me that he wanted to join the program. After all, he wants to rebuild his marriage and do it to find true happiness and fulfillment because he’s just chasing money, and it does not mean anything. It’s causing a divide between him and his wife, and he’s not there for his son, and the story we can kind of relate to now, his wife had said, “I’m going to go and spend a month up in Canada, let’s do a trial separation, and I’m going to go back home because that’s where she’s from.” And I said, “Look; usually, women don’t say that kind of thing. Unless they’ve done their research. They have their ducks in a row, and things are there and ready for them to move.
They’ve got childcare started, they’ve got housing situations, usually figured out for the short term, and all that kind of stuff is like, “Tim, you’re right. You told me today that she had two job offers, she has a place to stay. And she’s literally on the verge of leaving, and now he is living on borrowed time.” And it feeds completely into the topic for today because, and we’ve covered in previous episodes about paying attention to the warning signs. Because, as men, we often like to think that she’ll never leave me, she’ll never have an affair, she’s faithful, we’re married, it’s all good. I can understand why men think that way because we’re often pulled in so many different directions required to play so many different roles. The CEO, the Father, the husband, the friend, the son, maybe do hobbies, and maybe your responsibility in the sports team in the community. There are so many different hats that the men we work with, at least, are often required to play. So I get it, why their energies could be so split by getting from the wife’s perspective as well because she’s there at home raising the family.
When she was asked to marry this man, I’m sure that she wasn’t saying: “Hey, will you marry me?” And over the next five to ten years, “I’m going to pour most of my time and energy into building a business so we can have money. I’m not going to be at home a great deal when I am. I’m going to be on my phone. You’re going to be required to look after the kids most of the time, but I’ll be there. I’d like to have sex as well. When I have sex, I’d appreciate it. If you’d have sex, me too when I want.” You can see both sides of the scenario there. As it builds into this particular situation, we’re going to talk about, and I can understand why, in this particular case, she was about to cheat on the man she was married to because he wasn’t the man that she married. She might have been the wife of the woman that he married as well.
I hear that a lot when I speak to the men that “She’s just not the woman that I married.” Okay, but if I was to ask her, “Are you the man that she married?” And I’ve never actually had anyone say, “Well, yeah, there’s always this scenario, and neither of them is being the person that the other one married.” Now, it’s tricky, because in that situation, usually. It’s just not a nice environment to be around. You come home on an evening, and it’s almost like from the woman’s perspective she’s wearing as a man walks through the doors, the husband walks in, it’s almost like she and the family are looking just to get a glimpse of what mood he is in. Is he going to be the happy-go-lucky version tonight, or will he be the angry version? And it does not follow the man’s either, because he’s been dealing with so many stresses throughout the day making hundreds of decisions on the fly, bum, bum, bum, bum bum, he feels exhausted. Usually, he doesn’t have any routine to switch off as we teach them decompression, usually that they don’t have this. So, again, I understand why he feels like a volcano, let’s say ready to erupt. But I also understand from the woman that she’s there and has been home all day. Often, they make plans about how they’re going to enjoy spending the evening with the husband, and how it’s going to be the power scenario will walk through the door, and he’ll be in a good mood, and we’ll cook dinner together, we’ll put the kids to bed, we’ll sit down, and we’ll catch up.
But when it doesn’t play out that way, right from the outset, it’s almost like it’s hostile, “I give up, I give in,” and it just keeps roads, the connection between the two. And obviously, it’s not helped with the fact that everywhere around them. As we said on the last show, the men are often surrounded by messages, telling them to have the six-pack abs and have their marriage and have the business thriving, basically have it all together. Guys, c’mon, have it all together. And it just seems so far away. Now, what I would ask you, Doug, is, as I’m sharing this with you, what do you think, concerning this particular situation, his wife was about to cheat on him? Because I know who we’re talking about. What do you think have been the main drivers for the relationship to end up in this position?
Doug Holt 8:02
Hmm, such a good question. I’m not going to talk about this guy’s situation particularly, but this scenario is so commonplace. Every guy married can relate to this. In some way, shape, or form, they may be ignorant and not know that their wife might be looking elsewhere. I’m not saying every wife does this, but everybody understands the basic scenario formula we’re talking about here. And what happens to Tim is its complacency over time. You give a little bit here. “Yeah, screw it. It’s okay. I’m just going to let that go.” And you give a piece of yourself up a little bit, and she does as well. And over time, you grow apart; it starts maybe with an argument or about taking out the trash or whatever it is when it’s not about that anyway. And the guy is stressed; he’s been at work. He’s making decisions.
You said he’d got a vision and a plan for what he wants to do and what he wants to do for his family. That’s the most important thing: the guy here is busting his tail, trying to provide for his family. He’s stressed at work if he owns the business, which most of our men do. He’s dealing with payroll; he’s dealing with taxes and finances; he’s doing product or service delivery. He’s dealing with staff, and he’s dealing with all of these issues.
And so when he gets home, he’s just burnt out. And his family and his wife get the crap part of him – the leftovers. When he’s disengaged, he looks around, and if his wife and if they’re in a traditional relationship, maybe the wife’s at home. He’s looking around, going, why is the house dirty? Why aren’t the kids doing XYZ? He’s trying to figure it out well, and I’ve been busting my butt. What have you been doing? And they start to have friction there, Tim and they start to grow apart, and an inch becomes a mile apart. They start going to bed and having sex. When they were first married, it was fresh, and it was fun. Now, if they have sex once a week, that’s a major thing. And that sex they have once a week isn’t good. Right? It’s not satisfying, especially for the woman probably. Right? It’s kind of a one-and-done, get in, get out. That was fun, and they feel a little bit more connected with the intimacy. But that distance again, that gap grows, and then sex becomes once every two weeks, once every three, and he’s going through looking at this and wondering, “Why isn’t it better for him? Why doesn’t he deserve more? Why isn’t she doing more for him?” That’s where it all starts, and that’s where we look at this. It doesn’t have to be this way, Tim. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Tim Matthews 10:50
What is this shift? Maybe a new way of looking at this, maybe a different technique? What’s a shift of perspective that a man who’s in this position, maybe struggling with this, worrying about this, can take right now.
Doug Holt 11:11
That’s a great thing. If you want to save your relationship in your marriage, I’m going to guess you do. You fell in love with this person for a reason, and that’s why you’re with them. At the core, their values are probably the same. Now, this is not always, but most of you are finding this to be true. And if you want to, the first thing to do is come clean, go ahead and sit down with your partner, validate what they may be feeling, and share what you’re feeling. But do not blame. You want to take a new paradigm here, one of cooperation, and saying something like, “Look, I realize that, when we got married, we had this dream we were going in, and I found myself just busting my butt trying to provide for our family.
And I find myself getting stressed and anxious. By the time I get home, I realize that I’ve left the best of me at work. And you don’t get the worst of me. The leftovers, I’m stressed, just beat up, maybe I’ve gone to the gym or something, maybe not. And we’ve become disconnected. And that’s not what I want.” Just that alone allows the opening of honest conversation, and now you can start rebuilding the bridge of that relationship. You can find out what she wants. Look, guys, you are not the same guy you were when you were 18.
I’m assuming you’re not 18 listening to this, but you’re not the same guy you were two, three years ago; you’re just not. You’ve changed. You’ve had new perspectives, new experiences. I hope in your life, hopefully, you’re doing personal development, and your businesses change, etc. Guess what? Your wife has changed too. It’s time to get to know who she is, what her dreams are, what she wants. Those things change. And by taking a new perspective on this and looking at it and saying, “Look, here’s what I want. I’m going to take a stand for this. But first, I will go ahead and validate what my wife or partner could be feeling. And I’m going to share what I’m feeling openly and honestly, so we can both get what we want out of this.” It can become a win-win.
Tim Matthews 13:25
I think as well when you just described that scenario, and it’s a trap that is so easy to fall into is keeping score. “Well, I’ve been out of work; I’ve been making all these decisions. I’ve been making money. I get home after the kids go to bed,” and he starts to build this case almost like you’re racking up points in your mind like you’re building a case of evidence. You defend yourself and whenever you’re looking at yourself in that way, then guess what? You then look at your wife in that way as well. You start to almost “Okay, well she’s done this, and she’s done that,” and he starts to see who’s winning, who’s done the most. It becomes this tug of war that nobody will win, and nobody’s going to back down.
Then it’s not a great position to be in a relationship, and I think taking the approach you’ve just mentioned, Doug, of validating the woman and sitting down. I think a step onto that would be if you sat down with her and held her hand and looked her in the eye, and shared up your left to feel what you were saying as well. It even takes that to another level.
Having that, it just completely nullifies any keeping of scars. It brings you back to a neutral co-operative, as you said, the point of how many of you will be in a position where you can grow together? And it’s almost like you do this dance. In a relationship, it’s kind of like how DNA is structured, kind of that intertwined in helix, double-helix. That’s kind of dancing in a relationship. You come together, and you go to a party, come together. So you’re together in the morning, you go to a party during the day, come together, you go apart, and so on. Being able to address the woman in this way allows it so that when you guys do come together, you’re not coming together to count wins secretly, hold, keep score. You’re coming together to be together.
Doug Holt 15:38
Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. But I wanted to ask you a question: Do you ever feel like something’s just missing, like, there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it? I get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com to discover the system that other businessmen just like you are using. We’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path, and we want to share that with you. Go over to ThePowerfulMan.com right away. Now, let’s get back to the show.
Beautifully said, I mean, you’re going to get what you find, guys. If you’re looking for reasons that validate that you are and she is wrong, you’re going to find it. You’re going to find whatever you’re looking for. The truth is, she may push back, and she has every right to most likely as you do you, but it’s your chance to be the strong one here. You’re the man. You’re the strong one, and be with her. And the reason this works, Tim, is when you’re able to have that presence with her, you clean the slate.
In the present, now you can almost, not always, but almost get rid of the past and talk to her about what is going on for you now. And what that does is create a blank canvas for the two of you to paint a future that you want to live in. Now I’m sure you guys did this one early on in your relationship. Probably, not consciously, but you talked about your future together, and my guess is you haven’t done that in quite a while. You haven’t painted, and if you have, you painted in very black and white. “Hey, the kids need to be picked up from football at 4 pm. Can you do it? What have you, Johnny’s? We’re at a lunch meeting.” whatever things like that. You’re not talking about dreams, fantasies, sexy things, and getting sexy with her. And you said, staring into her eyes and connecting. Most often, if a woman feels connected to her man, she’s not going to stray or cheap, but it’s that disconnection is the worst thing. I’ve often heard women say I’d rather be physically abused than emotionally abused. Whether that’s true, they’re just saying it, but disconnection. My wife will say when we’re disconnected, and you disconnect from me, she’s like, “That is the worst thing. You could not do anything worse to me than disconnecting. That is my life force in our relationship.” What she’s saying to me is, “Look, I need you to be here, through the storms, I need to know that you’re going to be here—good, bad, indifferent.
I got you. I got my man who’s also going to be there for me when I’m going through my craziness.” And that’s why it works if you’re clearing the slate. And Tim, what my wife and I do is use the analogy I’ve talked about in the podcast before. Suppose you can imagine two people, you and your partner standing nose to nose almost, but between you as a glass wall. And every time you disconnect, lie, or leak by looking at porn, whatever it might be, you put a little dirt on that glass wall. And eventually, over time, you can’t even see each other. It’s so murky, and you have to go through and scrub that way. And what you just said is perfect.
It scrubs it away. Because look, guys, you value that connection. You value the relationship, you value being with your partner, or you wouldn’t be in it. You would have left. You just would have left. And your wife, your partner, does as well. You guys share similar values. You want a strong relationship, someone you can trust, someone you can lean on. Nor did I do that; it’s like an emotional bank account. You can’t make withdrawals. Just like in your business account, you have to put deposits in before you withdraw money. Otherwise, you get into the red, which is where a lot of us have been. But you can’t be in the red in a relationship month after month, year after year, and expect to still have credit with that bank. Your relationship’s the same.
Tim Matthews 19:51
Yeah, it reminds me of Rick and Chelsea. When Rick came into The Alpha Reset, I was happy to read his name because we recorded an episode of how he did it in the Facebook group where he shares all this. He shared how, just before he joined, he was in America with them, and they pulled over at the side of the road and had tears streaming down his face, and she did too. They just said, “Look, we can’t continue like this.” that they clearly loved each other, but the relationship just wasn’t working.
They tried marriage counseling, which even drove them further apart, and it got to the point whereby she left to stay in a hotel for a couple of nights because she was going to plan on how they were going to separate, how they were going to separate the house, and so on. And then he went and got her and said, “No, you come back. I’m figuring this out. The next day that I spoke with him, I didn’t know all this until the interview. Fast forward then, to even right now, they’re in America again, ironically. And they’ve got an RV, and they are touring around Lake Tahoe and other regions around the area, looking for a retreat center, because after The Alpha Reset. What happened was, he was able to go back into the relationship, take complete ownership for his shortcomings, and be there with her, holding her hand, look her in the eye, share with him, share with her. He was going on for him, and then she just broke down. She has melted because this is what she’d wanted for so long for him to actually be there, not just be, but be there. This thing gave her the permission to thrive and flourish, and he took her through a red release, Doug. He took her through her red release and other exercises from The Alpha Reset, which is great. And one of the things they also did was they mapped out their vision together, which was to go live in America and have a retreat center, and do a lot of things where mindfulness Rick Scott IT company, Chelsea’s a solicitor or lawyer.
So it’s a big shift for them to go over there. They don’t have any experience in mindfulness, let’s say. Right now, they’re out there looking at locations, scouting out places to move in there in the next year or so. And their relationship has been a complete 180, a sex life, their communication, their connection, their intimacy. You saw it on the photos they posted in workplaces for The Brotherhood. They were beaming with joy because they lived together and aligned with their desires and who they both were. It’s amazing to see him. That it’s not an anomaly, is it? Rick’s case isn’t an anomaly. A lot of other men have experienced similar things, too.
Doug Holt 22:52
Yeah, I mean, you can see it. It’s so true. They are beaming, which is awesome. It’s one of those funny things that when you take care of your inner game, it allows everybody else around you also to step in because you take a leadership role, and people can surrender into who they are. Both of them are healthier than they’ve ever been to; they look great. I’m smiling over here, just thinking of the two of them. But you can also see that with Ed, who’s on ThePowerfulMan.com page, and a couple of those case study guys that have shared their stories as openly as Rick has with the other men, so they would know if it comes down to cutting that connection. And the problem is, society is thrown this idea of what it means to be a man, kind of the James Bond idea. It’s been tough for us guys. In this day and age, you have the Women’s Liberation Movement feminism.
“Do I open the door before? Do I not? Do I have to pay for everything? Do I not? Everything Is supposed to be equal. But yet, I’m supposed to bring home all the money like what am I supposed to be doing here as a guy? It becomes impossible in that problem to discover what it means to be a man, let alone a powerful man, and so I think a lot of these guys, Tim, gets stuck. They get stuck, and they feel like they’re just spinning their wheels, and of course, they turn to business, which is the one area most of us can thrive in, and we can control the outcomes without somebody barking at us so to speak.
We turn that into a disconnect when we get home because we don’t have that feeling, and it allows us more and more separation, and that’s why we keep talking about making sure you’re defining what it means to be a man yourself. But even more so, what does it mean to be a powerful man and a powerful man that has the presence to be and clear this up with his wife as Rick and Ed did, the two men that we’ve mentioned on this particular podcast as well as the other ones. What does that mean to be you? Because society has thrown all these curveballs at you, and in part, they’re doing it by the way to sell you more things. “You need this face cream you need.” “You don’t need to wear these clothes.” “To get your relationship better, drive this car, and your relationship will be better.” when that’s not true. That’s just a way to sell you more crap. The truth is, it’s inside of you. When you can discover that inside of you, then you can sit down with that presence of mind with your partner, as you said, Tim, hold her hand, look in her eyes, and share what’s going on, validate what she may be feeling, and then ask what she is feeling. And then conclude. Look, if you love her, guys, it’s worth the risk.
This is time for you to be the man you to step up to take the risk of rejection. But at the end of the day, are we talking about the fact that you’re risking the fear of rejection or risking losing your partner? And we think about that from a logical perspective, if she rejects you, okay, no big deal. You can keep talking about it. But if she leaves you, you have no opportunity, and you’re automatically rejected. So the actual clear, logical path is to take that risk. You’re in no physical danger. Take the risk, be the man and come in there, and show her the new you. Show her that you’re willing to work on the relationship and have an honest conversation. Forget what society has to tell you about this. This is time for you to be you.
Tim Matthews 26:25
Well said.
Doug Holt 26:28
Al guys, so what I’m going to implore you to do right now, in this moment of insight, is stop what you’re doing right now, and reach out to your life, your spouse, and just tell her, “Hey, look, I’m thinking of you.” which is true. Say “I love you.” if you mean it from the bottom of your heart, don’t say it as something you have to say.
The third thing I’m going to implore you to do is to schedule a time to take action and sit down to have this conversation, a time where the kids are asleep, a time where you have the energy, and she has the energy. Don’t be waiting for her. You both are just totally exhausted, and you’re pouring a glass of wine or two, and now you’re drunk where all your triggers are going to come up. Do it sober and schedule this time today. Do it now, and I’d love to hear about what happens. Tim, anything else you’d like to leave these guys with today?
Tim Matthews 27:23
No. I think this has been a great episode, definitely befitting the 100th episode. Thank you for being here, to you, Doug, and the men who are listening. Thank you for all the support you’ve given us over the past 100 episodes; the podcast has grown phenomenally over the costs of serving in a year. Wow. It’s grown tremendously. So just thank you for being here and giving us an audience because, without you guys, I’d just be chatting back and forth with Doug and me, which definitely wouldn’t be as fun, in my opinion.
Doug Holt 28:00
Thanks, man. So, guys, I’m going to ask you one favor, the 100th episode is to share this episode with at least two men and use me as the excuse just, but yeah, I was listening to this episode. What do you think? I told this guy, Doug Holt, that I would do it. Whatever you want to do. Share this episode with at least two men because it’s about time to take society back for men. It’s about time that we take a stand and help other men around the world. Step into their power, the powerful men they are, and build a community around men who are doing the right work. Guys, on that note, we’ll see you next time. Have an amazing day, and remember to take some action.
