How To Be There For Your Partner

Episode #408

Are you holding back because you’re scared of getting hurt by your partner?

What are you going to do if your wife is suffering?

For example – Will you make it to that meeting at work, even though your wife is struggling? Or would you stay with her because she needs you, and let someone else lead the meeting?

In this episode, we are going to talk about how to make your partner feel more valuable in your relationship and what to do to evaluate your decisions in the past. Love your partner in the best way you can. Start building a healthier relationship – because life is happier when we are living it with our most precious people.

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Episode Transcript

Doug Holt 0:00
That little girl falls asleep well. She looks at the toys, and she gets, she thinks, a great deal. The boy didn’t sleep well that night at all. He’s up most of the night thinking. I wonder how much candy she took. She held back. How much candy did she put in her pocket? Because he realized that’s what he did. Also, often, I think in relationships, especially when they’re struggling, a lot of times we hold things back in our love rather than playing full out because we’re waiting for the other person to do something. When they do this for me, I’ll do it for them. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. I’m your host, Doug Holt, with my co-hosts Tim, The Powerful Man Matthews. How’s it going down, brother?

Tim Matthews 0:42
Yeah, you got noticed, and I haven’t told you this yet. So Amelia woke up a couple of nights ago.
In fact, in the morning, she woke up, and she couldn’t move her neck. She had a crack in her neck during the night. She woke up and had a seizure or spasm or something. Anyway, she pulled her wall ball on it and went into the sauna, and it’s one of the things that eaves off over there. Great, no problem. Then this morning, I’m downstairs, doing my Alpha Rise & Shine, about to leave for the gym, and I hear a walkout so outlandish, calling my name. I’m like, “that’s weird.” So I went up, and she stood there with tears in her eyes, and I could not move. I almost just passed out. “What?” Anyway, long story, a little shorter, the past few hours, has she just been in tears and usually got a high pain threshold. So I can’t imagine what the pain is like, for I don’t know what’s even wrong with this. I found the Osteopath that we use. My look and I do home visits, and I need you to come round today to sort this out because she’s literally in tears. Then we had the house manager coming in, and she was signing things out. So Amelia stayed in the bedroom for a few hours while she was doing everything. Again, just in tears, I do my best to comfort her while looking after the dogs as you see him in the background because I’ve got them in here with me; one of them just had an operation. So, looking after the dog, I saw Amelia around, getting hot water bottles, getting food, getting this, getting to that, while still onboarding the sales guys and doing all the stuff with obviously, TPM and all that fun stuff. So, it’s been a real morning of flexibility. I recorded a podcast episode last week about balance, remember? And we spoke to the guy in that podcast episode and said, “Listen, you just got to be flexible. Because some days you’re not going to get to do everything.” And as I was going through the motions this morning of just moving things around, moving this around, that around workout, everything around. I just thought of that. I can’t believe it’s ten past five in the evening. The days have flown by, and it doesn’t feel like I’ve come much, to be honest.

Doug Holt 3:12
I hate those feelings of those days, and that happens, and we can all relate and those, when you show up your partner or if your kids, my son had a fever last night, it kind of throws off your day, and you do get to go back to that idea of balance, right or I think it’s a misconception of balance. Then, what does it mean at the end of the day? What’s important is it for you? It’s it Emilio’s health and well-being, or is it getting those tasks knocked off? And obviously, that’s an easy answer, and so I think we just forget those sometimes.

Tim Matthews 3:46
It was awful to walk in the bedroom sale, and the sales team was starting at 2 pm. I walked into the bedroom at about 10, and she sat there next to the bed, and she very rarely cried. Very rarely. She didn’t look up to me. She just walked around the bed and looked, and she just got tears going. I’m just like, she didn’t have much to say: “Can you cancel your meeting?” “Can you ask anything of me?” But exactly right, I just had Ryan run the meeting, and like, “Look, I need to sort things out, what do you need?” And just got downstairs and got all settled and all that stuff. But yeah, it’s awful when you see someone you love impaired like that, and you can’t do anything.

Doug Holt 4:31
Yeah, I think that brings up a good topic. When you look at relationships, I’ll share an interesting story with you. It’s about a little boy and a little girl. I heard this story recently. I think it resonates a little bit with what you’re talking about with love. Because you’re not holding back any love familia, right? You’re going all in, which is one of the reasons your relationship is so strong, so I think the listeners will resonate with this, Tim. There’s a Little boy and a little girl, and the little boy had a collection of toys, and the little girl had a big bag of candy, delicious candy, that whole bag that’s got a little bit of this, a little bit of that, kind of Halloween candy type thing. the little boy looks at a little girl and says, “I’ll trade you my toys for your candy.” And the girl sits there and she thinks about it for a second, looks into her bag and she says “Deal.” And she goes and grabs her bag, and when she grabs her bag, the little boy grabs his favorite toy and puts it in his pocket because he doesn’t want her to see that he’s keeping a toy back. He gives her his toys, minus that one toy he put in his pocket. Then, he goes and takes the bag of candy that she just gave them, and they both go away happy. Well, that night, the little girl fell asleep well. She looks at the toys, and she gets, she thinks, a great deal. Everything’s great. She slept peacefully. Well, the boy doesn’t. The boy didn’t sleep well that night at all. He’s up most of the night thinking. What he’s thinking about is, “Hmm, I wonder how much candy she took she held back? How much candy did she put in her pocket?

So I wouldn’t get it.” Because he realized that’s what he did. All too often, I think in relationships, especially when they’re struggling, a lot of times, we hold things back, and we hold things back in our love rather than playing full out. Because we’re waiting for the other person to do something, when they do this for me, I’ll do it for them, and I share this with you because many people do it. In your situation, they might be saying, “Well, Amelia didn’t take care of me when I was sick. So I’m not going to take care of her. My needs are above hers.” And that’s really what you’re saying. Guys, when you say that, Tim, you’re not saying this. So it’s a perfect example. But what you’re saying is I hold back, my love. So, therefore, she needs to do it first. You’re not leading right now. You’re in a different stage of a relationship. You’re in a horse-trading relationship, where it’s just transactional. Like the little boy, you’re not going to sleep well at night because you haven’t gone all out. Because you’re scared of getting hurt. Or you’re scared of something happening or not being fair or equitable, right? Because you think, “Oh, geez, well, my work is more important than you right now.” and whatever the other stories might come about that. That’s just not the case. To be in a quality relationship, whether it be a partnership or a marriage, but you have to go all in. Each individual goes all in.

There are three people or three entities, vessels, or wherever you want to think about in any relationship. There’s me, my wife, and the third entity, which is our relationship, and you need to hold all three of those sacred at all times. For you to be able to play full out and have this balance or this idea of balance or just feeling good, it’s really about being able to go all-in for your partner. Regardless of not holding anything back, not putting a toy in your pocket, not worrying about “Did she do enough for me?” because that’s selfish and transactional. What I love about your story, Tim, is, you were there for Amelia. You’ve set up The Powerful Man in such a way that it can run without you, and everybody in our ethos knows its family first no matter what. We all have each other’s backs when something goes down. That said, there are a lot of organizations. The Powerful Man is a movement that has grown in its decent size. As far as staff and people helping out, helping the guys, a lot goes into our training: coaching, logistics, and all that good stuff. But everybody knows when there’s anything that happens to anybody in our team, everybody rallies around them. I think it’s so awesome.

Tim Matthews 8:47
I think it’s interesting, because last night with Amelia, I had finished work at about seven pm-ish. So then, it was about 8 pm until 11, then planned. We just didn’t invest in a piece of art, Doug. Interestingly enough, which I’ll talk to you about after. The point I’m making is, we’ve not got it yet. The gallery still has it, but Amelia is excited by this piece of art. She loves it. Last night, about 7 pm, just when I was going on to the meeting with you guys, you and Arthur. She got an email from the gallery, and it’s the piece of art in the new frame that Amelia wanted. She was excited to talk to me about it. But obviously, I was going into the car with you guys. So I’m like, “Look, knock, I can’t talk to you right now.” There’s been a few instances of that lately, which is great. It’s boundaries, right? And we all know how women also love a guy who’s on purpose, and also there’s a line there because she made a joke I had to go in on the phone to her mom, she couldn’t share the moment with me, the moment of excitement, she wanted a decision, she wanted various things that went with it. So she called her mum and said, “Hey, what do you think of this?” and she started sharing it with her, which was great. She said to mum, oh, well, Tim gave me his attention, so I’m going to share it with you. I didn’t give up the attention; I carried on doing what I was doing.

Yet, at the same time, what I love about being able to take care of it today is her seeing from me how important she is to me. When I walked in that bedroom, right when the sales team meeting was starting and prepping for it all morning, we were onboarding new staff. I’ve been looking over the numbers, and I’ve been reviewing the calls. I’ve been doing a lot of work in preparation for this meeting, really looking forward to the meeting, genuinely looking forward to leading in it. Sent to walk in there 10 minutes before and see her like that, and not be able to do a great deal to ease her pain other than just being there with her to make comfortable. I love that I chose to let Ryan lead the meeting. In his way, in his style, he didn’t go through anything that I wanted to go through. But for Amelia at that moment, I imagine she felt very important. She felt like a priority to me. So all those times, yesterday, when I was like, “Look, no, now is not the right time. I’m doing this, now is not the right time. I’m doing this.” I’ve established boundaries because that can sometimes bother me. “Do they feel important or not?” So I like that I have been able to balance out with the ax today. I didn’t do it for that reason, but as we reflect on it right now, as often happens, you’re the first person I’ve spoken to about it. As I reflect on it now with you, like that, I love that she’s been able to feel that for me, and I didn’t choose a sales team meeting. I’m not going to lie. Initially, my thought was, “Shit. The sales team in.” It’s not like it was an instant decision, but you catch yourself right, and you remember what’s important. You remember living from the inside out and how the touches are organized: self, health, wealth, relationships, business. It’s not self, health, wealth, business relationships, right? As you said, family first. So you must be there for the people in your life when they have moments like this. The number of men we’ve spoken to tell us that they weren’t there for the birth of the kids that missed the kids’ first ever recital because it chose to work late, let that miss the kids’ award ceremony. Because a project just had to be completed. In my opinion, you’ve got to live with that. It’s very important to be with the people you love, in the moments when they are needed the most. They may not always seem like they’re needed the most because maybe they don’t always express it in a way that you would have been able to read that situation is important.

Doug Holt 13:22
I think it’s very important, and it comes down to a lot of us having been hurt. As men, if we feel like our wife, in one case or another, has slighted us or isn’t taking care of us in the way that we feel we deserve, we then tend to show up less. I say we, as a collective community of men, show up less. We show up less than a powerful man. I’ve been guilty of this in the past. it does come down to those priorities. What matters, and one thing I liked about this situation, is the rocking chair test, which I know I’ve shared with you before, Tim, and the listeners. But we have two guys that every week we have new listeners coming on and listening to the podcast, which is great. But the rocking chair test is really simple, guys, and this is a great way to put these moments to the test. Should I attend the sales meeting? Or should I be there for my partner? And the way that the rock test works is, hey, you’re 80 years old. You’re sitting next to me; I want you guys to picture this: You’re sitting next to me on a rocking chair. We’re rocking back and forth and on the porch, sipping some good lemonade, maybe, maybe some sweet tea. As we’re sitting there, you’re looking back at that decision. Which one are you happiest with? Are you happy that you made the sales team meeting?

When Ryan, in your case, Tim could have run it? Or are you happy you were there for your partner when she needed you? I’m going to guess ten times out of 10 but maybe nine times out of 10. Guys will say that they’re happy that they were there for their partner and that was the important thing, or the kids game, the recital or the birth of their child that was like you said, some so many guys weren’t there. I’m not judging them at all. I want to make that abundantly clear. But at the same time, those are moments you can’t get back. You can’t get back to the sales meeting, maybe. Maybe it’s possible that someone could say that. But sitting on the rocking chair, what’s more important? Is it going out with guys, or is it there for your kids? That’s a good lens to look through. A lot of guys that are listening to this podcast right now, there are troubles in a relationship. It’s kind of funny to me; I’m just going to be blunt about this because I tend to be blunt and direct as it is. That’s the way I like people to give it to me, serve it to me straight. Some people don’t like that or can’t handle it. What’s funny to me about this, Tim, is we have so many guys that are listening to this that have problems in a relationship. We have a proven system to help them fix their marriage or their relationships in general.

Some guys are like, ah,” I don’t know if I can dedicate that much time” or “Oh, that’s too much money.” The Rocking Chair Test? What would you rather have and looking back, would you have rather spent those couple hours a week working on the things that we can teach you to work on your marriage and then have the rest of your life having amazing relationships, or is that meeting or checking your email? The things you’d be doing on Facebook during the time period, is that more important? Or is it, “Hey, I can’t make a call, right?” We have guys in The Brotherhood in the inner circle, which are one of your mastermind groups. every once in a while, we hear from a guy saying, “Yeah, Tuesdays or Thursdays, it’s just a tough time for me to make these calls.” But the guys that do make them consistently talk about how it’s altered their lives for the better, over and over again. So again, the rocking chair test is a really good way to look at this. Some of you guys are on the fence about whether you want to invest in The Activation Method. Our proven program takes business owners from deactivated to activated powerful men in their relationships.

If your excuse is time or money, then you have to throw it out the window. just throw that to the rocking chair test. It’s a no-brainer. Now, if there are other reasons you don’t like me, or Tim, or the coaches or the philosophy or whatever, that’s great that those could be valid, perhaps. But the truth is, it’s not right. If you’re struggling in those areas, you’ve got to invest. If you don’t invest with us, when I say invest, not just about money; I’m talking about investing your time and learning these skill sets. Go somewhere else and invest, please. Because life’s short, and you want to be able to make these decisions. Tim, to your point, of course, Amelia feels appreciated. She feels seen, she feels loved, taken care of. Those are feelings all of us deserve. Right? We all deserve to be loved. We all deserve to feel loved and to feel cared for. Especially in our time of need. Man, I’ve had a kinked knacker. I don’t know what you call it, something else like a crack neck or something. But I’ve had that where your neck just locks up, and man, how debilitating that feels. Your traps get on fire, and you can’t move, and it’s just “Oh, it’s so painful.” I think all of us that are listening to this have been in that situation and just have somebody even if they can’t relieve that pain, just to know that they care. They recognize that you’re there and that you need something that goes a long way.

Tim Matthews 18:34
Honestly, I was looking, and I was thinking, “Come on, come on me crack my neck, okay now.” But I had to. I felt like coming in, and I was like, “No, he just has to put that aside. You don’t know what she’s feeling. You just know, she’s clearly in pain. She’s upset. I don’t want to see her like that.” So regardless of my judgment on the situation, whether she can be stronger, tougher, whether it’s her fault, whether it’s not whether, she’s not working out as much as she did a few months ago, so maybe, shouldn’t we, whatever judgment I want to make of the situation. It came up, and all of us need to recognize that and not go into that. Instead, I could do the modestly hidden technique as we do with everything else, be able to be there and empathize, and validate her, and to your point of allowing it to be seen and heard, and feel like at that moment she matters. Kind of like, “Will you be there for me in my moment of need?” And the answer is no, and she’s not going to feel safe.

Doug Holt 19:56
Not at all. Awesome. Well, I know that This podcast took a different turn than you and I were anticipating. But I think there’s a lot of value here. I hope for the guys. Certainly, there is for me and reflection. one thing I’m going to do, guys, I recommend you do it too, is if you have any decisions going on right now in your life. Maybe for some of you guys, it’s deciding whether you’re going to stay in your marriage or not. Maybe for some of you is deciding whether you’re going to keep your career or not. For some of you, maybe it’s deciding whether you’re going to join us at The Activation Method, taking The Activation Method, or not. Whatever that decision is, use the rocking chair test, write it down and think back. “If I’m sitting in my rocking chair, which decision will I be most happy with or most proud of?” I know it is a deadly sin, but what would be most proud of myself, my younger self, my 40, 50, 30-year-old self in taking this action and then moving forward. Move forward directly, and move forward with courage, and don’t waste time, guys. Just move forward in the direction you decide, whatever that direction may be, and go all in. I encourage you to do that, guys. I know a number of you guys in the Facebook community are posting.

I love the shares that are coming through this podcast. I recommend posting some of this: What is your rocking chair test? What is it that the decision for you, and then share your visualization, “Hey, when I’m sitting on the porch, sipping sweet tea with Doug in the rocking chair, I was super excited that I went all in, in my marriage, whatever happened, or whatever it may be for you that decision? I love to hear from you guys. I’m happy to share with you and bounce back, and I’ll be in that group as well. So if you’re not in the Facebook community and a business owner, you can head over to Facebook. You can find us if it’s a private group unless you have to get approved to be there. We do that to keep the anonymity and make it private for the men in there who are sharing what’s going on for them. Other people outside the group can’t see it. So you do have that opportunity. But guys, whatever you do, take action. I know I always say that from week to week on this podcast, and the show takes action, and that’s the key. That’s what separates the winners from the people sitting in the stands just watching the game. So sit down, do the rocking chair test. I would love it if you shared it with me. That’s not a requirement, a requirement kind of a colony out just make sure you do that rocking chair test, get off the fence, make that decision, and move forward—Tim, awesome topic. I hope Amelia feels better. Please send her my love. She goes through this. I’d love to hear more about this art you have. Gentlemen, that’s a wrap for us here at The Powerful Man Show. We’ll see you next week. As always, as I said, take some action, and we’ll see you next time in The Powerful Man Show.