Episode #378
When things get really good in your life and when everything is going so right, a lot of guys get scared of what could happen…
…and they self-sabotage.
Think of The Five Territories – you have a vision of yourself of what you believe you can do and you believe you can be. That is your upper limit. Until you readjust that thermostat, whenever you go above that limit, it’ll crash back down. When you start to grow and supersede that limit, the thermostat kicks off. This happens in all areas of our lives.
In this episode, we are going to talk about why we self-sabotage and the steps on how to master stopping self-sabotage.
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Episode Transcript
Doug Holt 0:00
He started using the techniques in the program. And all of a sudden, his marriage was terrific, closer than they’ve ever been. And he just blew up at his wife yelling, screaming a complete jerk to the point where she was like, What is going on? This is ridiculous. And they both started talking about divorce. And he took a step back. And he realized, holy crap, I just wholly self-sabotage. So I was so scared that things were going so right. They’ve never gotten this right before. And I just completely went self-sabotage. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim, The Powerful Man Matthews.
Tim Matthews 0:42
I’m feeling great. I just had a great conversation with you, and it went on for about 45 minutes. England is playing tonight in the semi-final of the Euros. A lot of great things are happening. Hiring new people on the team It’s just great, Isn’t it? Have we just been off the back of an alpha reset? We always said that we go through it as coaches. We do. And off the back of it. There are always opportunities that we see clearly for our growth. And it’s exciting. Like are you right now looking for a house manager? I think it’s fantastic. And everything else that goes with it is correct.
Doug Holt 1:23
Yeah, it is fantastic. And guys, when you get these revisits that come through the podcast, hopefully, you enjoy them because it’s always good to review things. I always get something new out of everything I review. But also because Tim and I get to talk, we coach each other and share what’s going on with us, just like we do when we coach the man. And I always love our conversations. And sometimes, we don’t get as many podcasts done as anticipated initially. But so much more comes out of it. We get so much that we can put into the programs that we offer the men. And I think it’s important for the guys to know that we eat our cooking, We do the things that we teach, and we’re constantly evolving those things we teach. They’re predictable and systematic to get results. And we’re making them better all the time. And I think that’s important to know because if I were looking at a coaching program or a mentorship program, I’d want to make sure that the people guiding it were also growing consistently; nothing is stagnant. And that ensured results, which all our programs do. So it’s a fantastic conversation. And yes, I am looking for a house manager, someone to take over the day-to-day duties. So my wife and I can spend more fun time, and I could spend more time with the kids, and we don’t have to do the crap we don’t want to do.
Tim Matthews 2:46
So if you guys know any of anyone, reach out to Doug via Facebook.
Doug Holt 2:51
Please do. I have a vision in mind of the person. But I’ll leave that to another descriptive episode. Some other time, I am going through there. So Tim, what I want to talk about today is something that’s come up several times and certainly comes up for a lot of guys, and I remember it came up for myself is how to master stopping self-sabotage. And, for a lot of us guys, I’ll use dieting because that’s one that I’ve self-sabotage probably the most. If you see things start to go well in your life. And then you start to improve, and I’ll use fitness again, you start to see the abs showing right you want the six-pack and the abs are starting to show he put in all this work. And the next thing you get injured, or because you overtrained or you decide to eat pizza, I’m going to have one slice that one slice you do end up devouring the whole pizza and a pitcher of beer by yourself. And that goes into basically feeling guilty and shameful of yourself, which goes into the next morning of eating more shit food; you go down this slippery slope of self-sabotage. Now, we’ve had a guy that we were recently talking to that started using the techniques in the program. And all of a sudden, his marriage was amazing. His marriage was amazing, closer than they’ve ever been. And he just blew up at his wife, I mean, blew up yelling, screaming, a complete jerk to his wife to the point where she was like, What is going on? Like, this is ridiculous, and they both started talking about divorce again. And he took a step back. We reached out to us as coaches, of course. And he realized, holy crap, I just completely self-sabotage because I was so scared that things were going so right. They’ve never gotten this right before. And I just completely went self-sabotage. And it was in that moment of knowing for him. That was the key here, I should say. That to realizing what was happening for him is this pattern of self-sabotage that a lot of us find ourselves into.
Tim Matthews 4:58
There’s only a circle call today and said two words to him. We’ll put a limit. So I want to dive into it.
Doug Holt 5:09
Yeah, I want to dive into what an upper limit is. And then what I want to talk to the guys by the end of the podcast is what you can do, the answer to stop self-sabotage. So the upper limit is, if you can think about it, we all have a limit, that is, the amount of money you make is typically the amount of money you’ll have most of your life. When I say that, it’s not the money you make. But it’s the money you have in your bank account. Year after year, it’s the same, you make more money, you spend more money, But the amount you have in savings is typically the same. Because you have your limit, your own up to a limit of what that’s able to be same with weight, People will start bodybuilding and gain weight, or gain muscle, but also lose body fat, their scale weight will stay the same, because in their mind that says, hey, Doug is a 220-pound male, Or Doug makes X dollars or Doug’s company makes Y are Doug’s marriage can be at this level, but not any better. And what happens as we start to grow and we start to supersede that limit. It’s like a thermostat kicks off; it says, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Doug, you’re a 70-degree guy. And you’re starting to gear at 75. Now you’re growing. So we’re going to kick on the AC and bring you back down to 70 degrees. Maybe we’ll bring you up to 68 to hover there for a little bit. And this happens in all areas of our lives, and what happens running through the subconscious mind. And wherever you’re thinking of, think of the five territories. Self, health, wealth, relationships in business, you have a vision of yourself, or in that vision is your ceiling of what you believe you can do where you believe you can be. And that’s your upper limit. And until you readjust that thermostat. Wherever you go above that limit, it’ll crash you back down, the thermostat kicks in.
So right now in the West Coast US, Tim, we’re having a heatwave here, And so it’s 90 degrees outside. And so the thermostat kicks in, and it brings us back down to equilibrium. We like our house at 70. So always adjusting if it goes below 72 heat kicks in, and it brings us there. So we’re at a constant level. And the same thing happens in all our areas. So this gentleman that we were talking about, he gets home, marriage is going great. He and his wife are connecting for the first time, and I think it was ten years. It’s been amazing. And he upper limits, his thermostat goes, alright, this is too good. Let’s bring it back down. And so his subconscious mind or his ego says, let’s start a fight. There wasn’t a fight to be had, and he just created a fight which created a yelling match, which escalated, which he did. And that got him the result until he stepped aside and went holy crap. It’s never been this good. And I got scared. Now a testament to this guy, the ability to look at yourself and say, Hey, I am self-sabotaging. I created this. I was scared. That takes massive balls. Those are balls of steel, brass balls to come to that realization and admit it. Hard. So kudos to him. And this happens to all of us. Maybe not you, Tim, The Powerful Man, Matthews. But it happens to me in areas, and you and I were just having a conversation about going through there; I’m stepping into a level that scares me. It scares me at the thought of what could happen positively. And that’s how I know it’s the right way.
Tim Matthews 8:39
Lean into that in my explanation positively scares you. See? No, that’s the right path to be on. Lean into that a bit more for these guys because I imagine some of the listeners here. They know what you’re talking about. But I think as well elaborate on this a little bit more. So there’ll be guys that are on the right path, guys that are right on the cusp. And they know there’s some action that they have to take right now. And maybe they’ve tried, and they hit the upper limit. So lean in.
Doug Holt 9:07
Yeah, so this can be a six-hour podcast at this point to go over all the ways that you do this for so long. So when I’m making goals or decisions on when I’m looking to grow personally, there are only a few people that I take advice from or senator advice, I’ll say their opinions. And Tim, you’re one of them. Arthur is another, and we were together for 21 days in the UK or roughly 21 days in the UK. And so coming there, it’s like where my levels and opportunities for growth are. And what comes about that I get to check in with myself and say, yeah, does that make sense to me? Or is that really what I want? And what happens? And so, one way that I judge this is how I feel. So an example could be Tim you might say you didn’t say this, but you might say, ah Doug, you should run a marathon. I’ve done that before in my life. And it doesn’t scare me doesn’t interest me either. But it doesn’t scare me. I’m like, oh, man, that feels tough. It would be tough, by the way. But that just doesn’t feel right. So when I look at the level of growth, what I’m feeling into is, wow, this scares me. So something that could be a few guys listening, where I used to be as being very vulnerable with my wife, and sharing all my fears with her, the fact that I used to be scared that she was going to leave me, the fact that I used to be scared that I didn’t know how to be the husband, she wanted me to be. And it scared me and made me feel like shit, quite honestly, because I just didn’t know how to do it; I felt like less of a man. So I didn’t want to tell her that because I’m a tough guy.
So this for me, what we’re talking about is my next level of growth, and I’ll just call it to release the brakes, so to speak, at the man that I foresee going into that, and obviously, there’s a lot that goes into this release the brakes idea, it scares me. But in a good way. Like, I’m like, Oh my god, this makes my nerves the butterflies in my stomach. And I can feel the tingling in my shoulders. And as my lats start to contract, which is a little bit of fear. But I lean into that fear, I know, that’s how I break through the next upper limit. Because we’re somebody else’s old limit, I’ll use the thermometer, or excuse me, thermostat analogy, where it used to be 50 degrees, and I brought it up to 60 to 70. Maybe now I’m able to go up to 90. What’s going to be like at 91 or 95? Whoa, that’s going to be crazy. And am I willing to put in the work potentially or surrender to that possibility of doing it? And part of that has to do with letting go of your identity of who you are now, letting go of all your stories, and allowing yourself to sink into this new limit to this new person you’re becoming. I know; it sounds abstract. But think about it this way, when you were 21, you had to let go of your thoughts, your beliefs of the world who you thought you were at 21 to be a man at 35 or 40. You’re a different man at this level. So that’s an age constraint. But there doesn’t have to be an age constraint. That’s time.
You can do that same transformation without time by letting go of your identity, the identity you have about your marriage with your wife, the identity you have about you as a business leader, part of it is imposter syndrome. You have to shake the imposter syndrome, and you’ll always have it. But that’s part of the thing, if you step into this new identity, this new version of you, and here’s the key guys, you can never step into a fake version of yourself. In other words, you can’t fake it. Or you can fake it a little bit. But you can’t become somebody you’re not naturally inside of you. You just can’t. Never seems to happen. But you can become a better version of yourself or an alternate version of yourself that exists already inside of yourself. By stepping into that version of you, you have to kind of kill the old version of you, the old stories; maybe letting go is a better way of thinking about it. Let go of those things to allow yourself to do it. When the ego, your ego is constructed and designed to keep you exactly where you are. Because it’s safe. Right now, wherever you’re listening to this, I don’t even care if bombs are going off in your backyard. You’re safe, according to your ego. And it’s going to keep you at that homeostasis because you’re alive. Now stepping into the unknown. So this guy, all of a sudden his marriage is working, that’s unknown. That’s friggin scary. And that’s a change that the ego doesn’t want. And so it’s our job for me again, the trepidation, the fear, I know that’s my ego speaking. And I get to squash that little bastard. And move forward in the direction I want to go.
Tim Matthews 13:48
Yep, you certainly do. Now for me, I like to by no means am I perfect with this at all. While I like to embrace this as much as I can, it lowers. And I remember, a few weeks ago, we moved to a restaurant that we love to go to. And we both love this particular dish. So every time Amelia and I order the same. So pizza, same pizza every time she loves it. It’s predictable. She knows what she’s going to get. She knows that she’s going to have a meal that she can leave, feeling satisfied. And this time, when we were there, she ordered her usual folly urge to go for something random. So follow the urge. Because he was there, right? I Ended up ordering this pizza that I didn’t like at all. Yeah, I ate most of it. But I didn’t like it as much as the usual one that I liked. For the exhilaration I felt just from breaking the norm, and I know it’s an extreme example just ordering something different but When you realize that the box that you’ve put yourself in and you find the ways to break it be ordering different foods taking we spoke about this a dopamine, taking a different route to the supermarket or whatever it is just doing things differently. That’s also a muscle that you can work on going out and venturing right. So why do people feel so alive? When they go on adventures, because it’s unknown, uncertain, or new, they discover a side to themselves that they’ve not been in touch with for a while. It’s exhilarating, right? The thing is, you don’t have to wait until a vacation to experience it doesn’t have to be a once-a-year thing. That can be a thing whereby it’s a way of life for you when you feel the need to change, and squash the ego, because those same urges to keep it stiff and stick to the, to the known, those same, they’ll come in, right. But the point I’m making is, the more that you find the little ways you can also break on a day-to-day basis, the easier it becomes for you to continually change the setpoint of the thermostat because you realize that instead of being scared, you can find excitement in the unknown.
Doug Holt 16:22
Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. But I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing? Like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it. I get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com/freedom to discover the system that other businessmen just like you are using. We’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you. Go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/freedom right away. Now let’s get back to the show.
What is so true, right? So when we talk about how to mock master stopping self-sabotage. So how do you stop this? Like we all know, we have self-sabotage; we’re all doing it in one way or another now if we have the upper limit thing. So how do we stop it, Tim?
Tim Matthews 17:20
First thing, you have to realize it’s happening. Yep. Right. So hopefully, this conversation for the listeners helps them realize that it might happen for them from time to time. They start to get some results to be at the start to lose, and where they start to have more sex, they start dev a record month in business. All of a sudden, something happens and back down to the normal setpoint. So the first thing is realizing that it’s happening and noticing what you behave well; I say noticing what your behaviors are more. So just understanding why, which this conversation leads to. And then the second step, once you’ve understood that it’s happening and why it’s happening, is to fucking break through it. Quite frankly, there’s no other way than to grab the fucking balls and bust through it. It’s as simple as that there’s going to be so many urges inside of you not to want to do it, and you’re going to have to fight the internal resistance and just bust through it. And it doesn’t become easier. Just to be the bearer of good news. Every time you bust through an upper limit, you’re going to face similar internal resistance. The good news is, the internal resistance you’re going to face is usually going to be the same story. For me, it’s the story of not being good enough. That’s someone I overcame many years ago, when every time I level up, that same story appears differently.
It’s always the same conversation I’m in with myself, of being deserving of having more speaking up, speaking out; it’s the same story for me. So it’s going to appear in the set. It’s going to be the same thing that appears, and you just have to bust through it. Well, what I like to do is declare it. I like to tell people what I’m committed to. I like to make it very clear where I’m going, and then I’ll shift my environment to match it. One of the things I’ll do is put alarms on my phone. So as I said, we went through The Alpha Reset and came out of it, and there’s some growth that we get to do, so the alarms on my phone right now go off at midday. Do you see the bricks? The second one, two hours later? Are you playing all out? The third one is at 4 pm. Are you selling the fourth one at 6 pm? Are you speaking up? So when those alarms go off on my phone, do I pay attention to them? And I answer the question, and most of the time right now, I am whenever there have been one or two times that I haven’t got. Why am I not? It keeps me in the conversation with myself, and my journaling is all focused on where I’m going every morning. I’m journaling about the vision that I see, the vision I’m committed to, involving you and Arthur and people close to me and getting them bought into what it is I’m doing, I’m asking for accountability.
I’m taking action, one of the little things you guys are urging, can your car get a new car after talks about the impact of the environment, okay, so I’m booking the test drive, I’m booking a finished trainer because I want to be challenged in my fitness, it’d be very easy to delay booking the test drive, I don’t even know if this is a car I’m going to get. But for me, in shifting my upper limit and overcoming self-sabotage, imperfect action is key; I just got to pull the trigger. And I’ve got to do it. Because I know, for me walking into that car garage and looking at the car, and having a test drive, it’s going to, it’s going to reveal the next step, which will be yes or no to that car, but I’ll enjoy it, I’ll enjoy the test drive, I don’t want to get bogged down in research in terms of cars, I don’t want to get bogged down in getting a list of for me, this is how I work, I don’t get bogged down in listing up to ten cars and getting into all that, I just want to follow the excitement. And take action because that’s easy, that’s the path of least resistance, the excitement. So follow the excitement, go to the gym, the same thing, there are tons of people I could interview, this one guy feels so I’m just going to go with it—imperfect action. So environment one, the alarms, accountability to getting you an athlete involved where I’m going, and then imperfect action will be three. And the other thing with the environment is shifting other things in your environment as well. So I’ll often change the screen servers on my laptop, the screensaver on my phone.
And thereby some artwork that goes up that reminds me of where I’m going, I look at my environment to reflect the shift that’s happening, maybe it’s I don’t know, maybe new clothing is part of how I see myself or buy new clothes. So the environment is really important. And it’s going to reflect a lot about where you’re going. So the more your environment can reflect it and the conversations that you’re in. Because the key is you don’t want to grow in silence. If you grow in silence it is easy to step away from what you feel compelled to create. Because nobody knows you can easily try to lie to yourself to enjoy it, but you can. So the more you get it out there and get it open and enroll the people into a going, the more they’re going to hold you accountable to it as well.
Doug Holt 22:49
So true. And on top of that, this will be kind of an unfair answer to some of you listeners, but some of you guys will get it. There’s a more foundational level that makes this all easy. I know you said it’s hard; you’re not going to lie to people and tell them the truth is a really easy way to do this. And if the men that were just The Alpha Reset, or anybody that’s been to one remembers the energetic state, they were in at the end of day two, beginning of day three. If you operate from that space, self-sabotage is no longer an issue. It just goes away. Now it could come back and rear its head. But if you start from that foundational space, this all becomes fucking easy. Right? And so I try to be as fair as I can to everybody that hasn’t been to one. And I’m also speaking to myself, as I say this, Tim. But the reality is stepping into the space of just really standing in your power. But from a space of love. Not machismo like I’m just powerful, but a space of love and flow. And I hate to use the word but surrender because it just sounds so weak to me. But that’s another thing. But in that state, really that space of surrendering into it, it’s easier than grinding it out. Now I agree with all the things you said are necessary to get you there, right?
You need the alarms in the phone, an awesome tool for upgrading your environment, an awesome tool, doing actions, setting the scene, close, whatever it is that person is. Awesome. There’s a reason we say it does have rather than have to be because you have to be that person before you can break the self-sabotage. Again, I’ll use fitness because all of us guys pretty much get it. Right. If you’re working out hard to lose weight, that’s a struggle. But if you become an athlete, then eating well is just part of what you do—working out just what you do. Just what athletes do. It’s not a question. It’s not a struggle. We have to surrender to it. It’s much easier to get there by fighting it. I’ve done both. I can tell you right now fighting it’s a lot harder to get that expert guidance, someone who’s been down the path before you. Not only that, but it’s more important than having somebody that’s been down the path before you, somebody who is proven to guide other people down that same path that’s more important. I just like the gym; you don’t hire a personal trainer. It’s not the body you want. Because there’s genetics, there are all kinds of things that play into that. You want to hire a trainer, even if they’re fat, who’s been able to get people in great shape. The key is the teacher. So the surrendering aspect into this, the allowing of Tim Europe is probably one of the things that I admire about you is you allow yourself, like, I’m just going to buy the car feels I’m going to buy it. There’s no resistance, and you don’t have spreadsheets up. Maybe you do. But I’m guessing with reading all the reviews and everything that’s going on there.
You just allow it to happen. And that allows you to move quickly, where a lot of us in self-sabotage part of the thing we do is we get stuck deliberating if this is the right program for me. What if Tim’s British or Doug’s American, like they want to understand me or whatever, I’m black, they’re white, on white, they’re black. Whatever it is, we make up these excuses. And that’s what allows self-sabotage to anchor itself to us. And every time we sell, tell these friggin stories, the anchor gets deeper, we just friggin surrender, let it all go. And again, I’m making the sound easier than it is, for most everybody I’ve experienced, but when you have that feeling, you can bring it back.
Tim Matthews 26:29
Well, the thing is letting go, specifically letting go of control. And that’s the scary thing for people if they let it be scary, right. And growth often can be messy. It is chaos, right? It’s like there’s a law. It goes through cycles of destruction, chaos, destruction, rebuild, chaos, and rebuild, just how it goes. And it’s like if you look at nature, look at the trees; winter comes autumn-winter, the trees are bad, the shed, they’re brittle, the frail, you can easily knock a branch off it when spring rolls around. And in summer, it’s a whole new tree. For the most part, the leaves, branches are revitalized and then it goes again to look at a caterpillar, right as a caterpillar hibernates and turns into a butterfly. That’s how it works, and you have to go through a chaotic period of breakdown and let go of the old to create space and embrace the new. But if you’re not willing to do that, then you’re going to, which is what happens in self-sabotage, then you’re trying to keep hold of the old identity while also trying to create a new one. And there’s no space for either, and you end up on the fence in your own life, which is a sucky place to be. In contrast, you’ve got just to overcome the inertia. And that’s what the guys at The Alpha Reset do on day two, they just blast through any, and all inertia is in their life. Yeah, they do. Hence why it’s so freeing for them because then, they’re in momentum. Right? Now listen to this; maybe you have an alpha reset. So that’s where you just gotta grab hold of yourself and push through that internal inertia, the desire to want to maintain control, because the reality is, you’ve never been in control, and you’re not in control. That’s the paradox of control. Right? You’re not in control of anything in this life. No one is. So the more we crave and try to hold on to something that we never had. That’s like insanity, right? So just enjoy the ride. Like you always say, you’ve got one ticket, enjoy it. Enjoy it. I’ve heard stories before that I’ve shared with you about people close to me.
One of my friend’s father’s spent his entire life working to build his business. A family tragedy hit, and the loss of his nephew made him wake up that hey, what, I don’t want to work like this. I want to sell the business. Now that decision over dinner with his wife got up to leave the restaurant and died. Aneurysm. I know it sounds cliche, and some people might say, well, I’ve got respect. I live my life like that. I’ve got responsibilities. Yeah, I get it. Right. You’re going to operate within constraints to a degree. And within that framework. You can also choose to play by a rule where you’ll let go within that container. Right. So there is no thermostat. You’ve made it up.
Doug Holt 30:02
in the thermostat is an illusion, no doubt about that at all. And, guys, it’s time to break through and break free from it. Right? And saying it’s an illusion is harder than, well, I guess it just doesn’t help for many guys out there. And so, guys, if you find yourself self-sabotaging in any of the five territories, again, the five territories of your life are self-health, wealth, relationships, and business. And if you’re like most of us, you’re probably self-sabotaging and all five, but one is probably your relationships, for example, health tends to be two that come up more often than not, this is your time to surrender into something different, step into something different, right? I.e., the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and hoping things will change. For most of us, we’re hoping things will just change on their own with time. Maybe next week, things will be better. Maybe next year, things will be right, and I can hold out for that.
That’s bullshit, right? That’s just pure Bs, and you got one ticket in this game we call life; use that ticket wisely, use that ticket wisely, take some massive action, and move forward. And so, I’ll be sharing my journey. I’m sure Tim will be sharing his on this podcast as we go through it. I’ll clue you more about what’s occurring for me on this next evolution for myself. And I’ve got amazing coaches on my side that guide me and keep me accountable with Tim and Arthur and the other coaches to the program as well as a lot of you guys. And that’s the key to surround yourself with great people, guys, because it makes growth exponential and makes life so much richer, so much richer. So gentlemen, wherever you find yourself, just take massive action. I say that every time but I do mean it. Alright, so easy to go from a podcast, a podcast, to listen to something. But take one insight, write it down. And then take massive action wherever that is. Take massive action and move forward. Guys, if you haven’t already, we have a private community on Facebook; jump on in there. It’s for business owners only right now. Jump in there, introduce yourself and let me know what your upper limit is. We’ll help you get through it. Guys, that’s a wrap for us here at The Powerful Man show. We’ll see you next time.
