Episode #33
“I hope they don’t find out.”
In this episode, Doug and Tim discuss the importance of being yourself.
Putting on a front or wearing a mask will only make us more exhausted because we then feel the burden of thinking that people might find out who we really are.
The society that we live in has trained us to put on a front to be accepted.
We always give our best, showcase everything, use all our energy, and at the end of the day, the real us becomes exhausted.
Putting on a mask for a long time drains us and will only put us into desperation and emptiness. Being ourselves and sharing our weaknesses builds a deeper emotional connection to people around us.
Showing who we really are and allowing people to love the REAL us and care for us because they accept who we really are is the KEY.
Things you will discover in this episode:
- Importance of showing the real you
- How to build emotional relationships with the people around you
- What causes us to feel drained or exhausted
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Episode Transcript
Tim Matthews 0:02
90%, if not more, at least 90% of the men I speak with this is one of their main fears and concerns because of everybody else. They look like they’ve got it all, you know, to everybody else. It looks like they’ve got the ideal life. They’ve got the business family, the home, the holidays and the car, the money for everybody else. They are buying into the mask’s facade, but behind closed doors, they feel empty.
Doug Holt 0:32
Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthews. Tim, how’s it going, brother?
Tim Matthews 0:43
Yeah, very good. Very good. I know, the last episode, I didn’t get the image of the crowd going wild on this one; I did. It always makes me smile. I heard “The Powerful Man” by Matthews.
Doug Holt 0:56
I sinned at broadcasting as I was sitting down the last episode. So I stood up for this one.
Tim Matthews 1:02
Yeah. We’ve got to get the editors to put some audience go wild kind of noise in what at least one of these episodes when I got announced, it was so funny.
Doug Holt 1:15
Billy, who edits our podcasts on a side note, is getting married soon. So Billy, congratulations to you and your beautiful future bride, my friend.
Tim Matthews 1:23
Oh, wow. Congratulations brother.
Doug Holt 1:25
Yeah, absolutely. Well, Tim, this is switching gears here. The topic for today that I want to throw on the table here. I’m going to call it “I hope they don’t find out.” And what I’m talking about here. And let me ask you a question. Have you ever, this is one of those rhetorical questions, of course. Have you ever talked to a person or had the experience where you’re hoping they don’t find out that you don’t know as much as they think, or you’re not as wealthy as they think? Or smart as they think? Or have it all together?
Tim Matthews 2:00
Yes, of course. Even if he hasn’t? I mean, I can imagine the only people that really, that doesn’t experience that if anyone at all, will be the guys that am growing no, no offense, but when he came up against you, your edges and you’re growing, and you’re striving for more often, that these kinds of fears come up?
Doug Holt 2:26
Oh, yeah. So this happens to a lot of us. And I’ll set the scene a little bit here; Tim and I jump in at any moment. But the way this commonly happens is you; the man goes out, right, you go out into the public eye, whether it works out socially or if you’re a power player. You’re out networking at business events or even coaching environments where you’re doing personal development; this happens quite a bit. You go out, and you put on your front. We call it The Powerful Man; we call it the mask. I would call it that for years. But you put on your front, and your representative comes out. And you’re “Hey, how are you doing? good to see you” “Oh, everything’s great.” “How are your kids?”, whatever, you go back and forth with high energy, you’re there, you’re shaking hands, you’re making it work. You’re showcasing everything just like you do on social media; it’s the best of the best, everything’s great. And then you get home. You get home, and your family experiences the real you. Right, not the public, you. And so that’s when things happen. Right? That’s when you let your guard down. When you’re short with your kids, you’re snappy with your wife or your significant other. Right, you’re tired, you feel exhausted because you put on a front for so long. And then when you put on that front, it just drains you and really what you’re doing, you’re saying crap, I hope they don’t find out. Right? They think I’m the man, and I’m a leader in my community, as many of the men we work with are leaders in their business and their community and their family. I hope they don’t find out. Right? And then the man is right, the person goes back to the well, where they get most of their significance, and they go well if I make more money, then that’ll cover up all my mistakes and what’s going on behind the scenes. And they go in, they throw themselves into work, they work longer hours, they work harder, really usually only to end up in the same place, but definitely to end up more drained more tired from putting on the front from continuing the trade and from going on only to find themselves in desperation mode. That’s one reason we see that the men male suicide rates so high are this perpetual cycle.
Tim Matthews 4:49
Yeah, completely. I mean, I have the privilege of speaking to all the men as they’re coming into The Activation Method pilot screening process. Process. And I would say that 90%, if not more, at least 90% of the men I speak with. This is one of their main fears and concerns because of everybody else as well. They look like they’ve got it all. Not to everybody else. They look like they’ve got that ideal life; they’ve got the business, the family, the home, the holidays, the car, the money. So to everybody else, they are buying into the facade of the mask, but behind closed doors, they feel empty. And because of this facade that they’re showing up with to everybody, it’s almost like the longer it goes on, the more they dig themselves into a hole. And it’s hard to feel like it’s harder for them to get out of it. When they try and speak up about how they’re feeling, what’s going on, a lot of people close to them, it’s like a crime. Have you got to moan about people who would love to have your life, which then makes them feel even worse because they’re thinking like crap, I should be enjoying my life? Why am I enjoying this? What’s wrong with me? And that perpetuates a cycle of waiting to be figured out reminds me of one guy? Well, yeah, one guy in particular. And he was speaking on stage to some of the US his top financial advisors, some of the top financial advisors, and he’s been doing this for a long, long time. And it’s like what he said to me is, he’s up there with all these people looking at him. And he’s like, why the hell are these people looking to me for advice? Because he knows behind closed doors, he doesn’t step into the line in certain areas. And this is a great man I’m talking about is such a great guy, a leader in his church, such a big heart, multiple businesses. I couldn’t get away from this burden. It was like a burden for him. He couldn’t get rid of this burden. That was weighing him down. And obviously, everywhere he went with him, he got invited to speak on stages and gets paid 10s of 1000s. And he’s like, I don’t want to go, Hmm, excuses not to be there. Because it realizes that the more is there, the more it fuels the facade.
Doug Holt 7:40
Yeah, I mean, frankly, I can talk about my own story here. And there was a time in my life. I’m in my 20s. And I’ve been an entrepreneur for a very long time, and in my 40s now, in my 20s Tim, and Santa Barbara, California, a beautiful area. If anybody’s ever been there, I had a business on downtown State Street, right, the main state’s main area, high rent district. And my business was a private training studio, fitness, a very new concept at the time. And not many people had ever done it or thought about it. So it was a new concept in the marketplace. On the second floor, I ran a magazine and did consult. So I had these three businesses going at any given time, actually at four at one point. But the point being is I had high-level business mentors, too. And they would tell me I was a single guy downtown, youngest business owner, by the beach, Southern California living the life, right, the real lifestyle, here at the fitness component, I had other businesses going on. And very successful people would tell me how envious they were of me, and how I had made a young man here in this, this round, beautiful women all the time not only trainers but the clients, wealthy people, etc. And I would often go out to public events. I represented the business, of course, and would go to the Chamber of Commerce mixers, Rotary Club, did all of those things that you’re supposed to be and was that the man about town, but certainly, people knew who I was, and I was well respected. I would go out with a smile, of course, right.
Working long hours running one business is tough enough. Running two businesses exponentially hard, and you stack on other times on that. I had the best lifestyle possible – women coming out of the woodwork, right, young, successful entrepreneur. It’s just ridiculous, you can imagine. Well, that’s what everybody thought. And the truth was, I would go home on a Friday night when everybody else was gearing up to go out. And even my friends who, quite frankly, looked up to me and envied my life. Getting ready to go out, they didn’t know I would go home alone, sit on the couch, pour myself a drink, and watch movies. And I did that Saturday night. And I did that Sunday. Instead of going out now, when it was a business event, I would go out, put on the mask, and have the front. And I’d be the guy. Oh, yeah, everything’s great. I’m going to travel in this business, and everything’s moving. And I would use that as a cover and perpetuate. And the more and more people looked up to me, the more and more people thought I had this great, amazing life; I did, let’s be real. I had a great life. But I wasn’t fulfilled by any means. And I would turn to my business thinking someday when this business cracks a million dollars in revenue, and then I’m going to be happy, then I can be myself, then I don’t have to put on that front. It was always that someday. And I would turn to my business, Tim, repeatedly, trying to produce more. Maybe if I start the fourth company, right coming in, because I was getting people, everybody thought I was successful and happy, and I had this life. And so it would build and perpetuate. And the more I would go out, the more I put on that front, the more that front became who I was. But that took energy from me. And I almost became a codependent relationship with my mask.
And it drained me over and over again. And all the time, I was so embarrassed and shameful. I was waiting for somebody to have to figure it out. Right. And I hope they don’t find out. And that wasn’t a conscious thought. But looking back in hindsight, being 2020, that’s what I was hoping I didn’t want people to know, the hardships I was going through in fact, here I am, everybody thought I was filthy rich, and all of these things, Tim, and something I’ve never shared in this podcast. And maybe you don’t. I don’t even know if you and I have talked about it. It’s certainly not something I’m ashamed of now, but at the time I was, I moved into my office, I lived there like I literally lived there, I moved out rent sec 2008 hit the market crashed. I didn’t plan as successfully as I could have. And I moved in there. But I was so embarrassed and so ashamed. And that embarrassment and shame caused me to put that front on even more so. And, of course, fast forward to today. You do the work. You do the work, do the deep work, and dig in, realize what’s going on. But we see this same cycle and patterns so often with the men, and it’s not their fault, right society has trained us, as a society has trained you to put on this front to put on this pattern, and not to allow yourself to be the real you. The irony of all of this is when I started to be me, not just sharing and moaning or complaining and bitching and all that stuff. When I started to be the real me, I started to have a real connection with people. Right, deeper connection. Sure, I knew 1000s of people, right, or 1000s of people knew me. At the same time, I didn’t have any deep relationship connections except for a few close friends I’ve always had but didn’t have those deep connections. Because it was always the front put out there, people became friends with my representative that was putting out in the public eye, not with the real me. That’s the irony we see all this time with people waiting for the shoe to drop for people to find out what’s behind the curtain.
Hey, guys, I want to interrupt this episode because I want to talk to you about something important. We put together a case study on how almost 300 men have taken control of their lives, their 4x in their business revenues, and they’re having more connected intimate sex, all without sacrificing their relationships or their health by using The Activation Method. Now, many of you have contacted us, and they want to know how they’re doing it. We put together this short 11-minute case study just for you. So you can see how these entrepreneurs are achieving this level of success. To get this case study, all you have to do is go over toThePowerfulMan.com/bonus. And you can get the case study right now. All right, it’s only 11 minutes, and it’s going to show you exactly how these men have done it. Alright, let’s get back to the episode.
Tim Matthews 14:25
Yeah, you hit the nail on the head when you said I used to tell myself that when I get to a million dollars, I want to get to the point that’s when I’ll be able to be me. It’s that belief, isn’t it, the belief that without these achievements – yeah, let’s say achievements, material possessions, status, whatever it is – that until I have those, then I’m not good enough. So I’m going to pretend I’m either further along than I am or that I’m someone that I’m not or whatever. So that I can feel good enough all the time. The only thing that happens in the instance is that subconsciously, you’re telling yourself that you aren’t good enough. We believe that every guy we work with is already a powerful man. That’s our belief. Every time we work with them, see The Powerful Man they are, and they can’t necessarily see it. But it’s like Michelangelo’s statue of David. So when I asked him, How did you create it? He said, I just chipped away everything that wasn’t David. It’s the same with the men we work with. And I’m sure that you and the people that are listening that you do not come into this world broken. You come into this world completely worthy and good enough, simply by being who you are. You don’t need anything or anyone to serve as a validation vehicle that you are good enough. Most of us have to do work to get to that realization and embody it, just like you, Doug. But I just had that perspective. And also, I think one of the key elements here as well, it has been able to surround yourself with other men that are in this kind of conversation as well. I think for me, when I went through something similar. I’ve shared my story quite a few times on the show. But then, when I just started sharing everything through Facebook, looking back at it now, in the context of this conversation, I think what I was doing at that point was like ripping off the mask and been like, what, this is me taking pictures of myself with Annie had my boxer shorts, humble with anything on being like, Look, this is what my bodies like, they used to wear clothes that would mix in perhaps my body look good arms would be sticking out and be Fridays, he’d go to the gym, he working on a Friday could be doing something on the weekend, whatever it is. And just getting all the skeletons out of the closet was my way of making it so that there wasn’t anything that I was waiting to be figured out for. I just thought I’d get it all out. And the most freeing thing, nobody cared. All these insecurities are hard. That thought all these things are thought to be and do and achieve to look a certain way. Nobody cared.
Doug Holt 18:01
Yeah. And they never do, right. Everybody’s too busy worrying about themselves is the irony about this. And think about that, when you’re, we’re going off-topic a little bit. But coming back, we’ll bring it full circle. When you’re being yourself and sharing elements of your vulnerability, it takes courage. It also creates space for other people to be vulnerable and share their imperfections, creating more connection. So when we’re thinking in our minds as men, I hope they don’t find out like I don’t want them to realize that I don’t deserve this promotion. And when we coach a high level of business owners and CEOs, this seems to happen more often. Like, Oh, no, they hope they don’t know, I don’t realize I know all the answers. I hope they don’t realize I don’t know everything. Well, the truth is nobody does. And showing some humility and some personality and showing who you are, allows people to love you and take care of you. And you and I are in unique positions with the companies that we run and consult for. Because we’re very open and honest in those communities, and our team will go to bat for us. Tim, you fall. You got me, Mel Arthur Zaf. Everybody else coming in and happy one taking care of you, make sure you’re okay. But they are also picking you up by the end, not because they have to, but because they want to. And that’s a difference. Right? Most people have businesses, they have employees who are just numbers, and they don’t know their boss or who they are. And because their boss hasn’t chosen to be vulnerable and honest with them. And say the boss falls. The employee leaves. And they say I can’t believe they left me. I’ve been working here for six years. Yeah, but you haven’t shown them who you are. You haven’t shown them the real you. You haven’t had an emotional connection with them. A human experience and We sit there as men; we’re worried that people will find out the real us. What’s ironic is that we allow people to like and fall in love with a fake us, meaning they don’t like who we are anyway. So why does it matter?
Tim Matthews 20:16
Exactly, exactly. It’s, it’s such a burden living with the fear of waiting to be figured out. It’s such a huge, huge burden. And, like I said, least 90% and Godspeed far to say, much higher than that, to be honest, but at least 90% of the men I speak with when I share with them that most of the guys will speak to this stage of struggling with this problem, and I’ll share with them basically, this the context of this conversation, and you can feel the relief come from them. Ah, yes, that’s me. And for them to one know that they’re not alone. Knowing that they’re understood is just such a huge, like I say, relief for these guys. It is. And obviously, they go through the journey of doing the work to overcome that and accept and fall in love with who they are without the need for any successes or material possessions to mirror that back to them.
Doug Holt 21:31
Absolutely. So Tim, in wrapping up, let’s give the guys a couple of takes home. We like to give homework here and actionable responses. So what are a couple of things that men can do right now after listening to this? To avoid this, I hope they don’t find out the syndrome we see so often.
Tim Matthews 21:50
What can I do right now? I would like for you to pick three people who mean a lot to you. I want you to ask them the question, what is it like to be in a relationship with me? I’d like you to pick the three people that you feel the most resistant towards asking. Now those couple of people that just popped into your mind and you thought, Holy crap, I’m asking them. They’re the ones I want you to ask. And the reason why I want you to do this is that this has the potential, if you choose to do it, to open up a conversation where they’re going to share their experience of a relationship with you, from which you can then share your experience with them. And what is your desire and what you want to create together? what usually happens in this conversation is that you realize what comes out of the conversation has nothing to do with money or material possessions. But everything to do with connection. Often out of this conversation, what you see is that the people closest to you, the people you ask, I want to spend more time with you often. And that comes from a pure place of love for you being the man that you are without any of these possessions, our achievements, our successes,
Doug Holt 23:17
the real you right; they want to have the real you.
Tim Matthews 23:20
Yeah, exactly.
Doug Holt 23:22
Excellent, guys. Well, this is a wrap for today’s episode. And we look forward to seeing you in the next episodes. We’d love to hear what you think about your thoughts and your comments, and please leave a review wherever you see this. That’s how other men find this recording, and that way, we can further grow the movement and unchained a bunch of other men. Just like
