Episode #583
What does it mean to validate someone’s feelings?
What are the 3 things that all women want?
Learn how to empathize with your partner so you can relate to what she’s going through. It’s time to find ways to improve your relationship and make her feel safe.
In this episode, we’ll talk about why validation is very important in your marriage and what you can do to help yourself establish a deeper connection with your partner.
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TRANSCRIPTION
Doug Holt: Hey, welcome back to another episode. Tim, how are you doing, brother?
Tim Matthews: Doing very well. For a while. It’s been a nice day.
Doug Holt: Good, good. Well, we’ve had two podcasts already recorded in the can. I had a great coaching session with the king of cheese himself. So that always fills me up when I see him taking over the world one cheese at a time. Horrible dad jokes. He is an amazing man, and he deserves everything. So we’re trying to give it to him.
So Tim, today the topic is- and this came up also from one of our advisors. And the advisor, this one happened to be a woman, she said, ‘Look, can you talk to the men about the importance of validation, because a lot of guys I’m getting on calls with are just missing why they need to be validating.’ So, for those of you that don’t know, when you get on a call with one of our advisors, their role is to do two things. One: see if you are a good fit for our program, the Activation Method, where we have a methodology that will take you from where you are currently in your marriage to exceptional. We talk about how to save your marriage without having to talk about it. And that’s when men take leadership. The second thing that they do on this call is they’re directed to give you some insights, some insights so you can start taking action and making improvements today, regardless of whether you join the program or not, things that can help you out.
So those are the two things that they’re doing. My microphone stand is moving left, right, and center over here, if you’re watching this. And so one of the advisors said, ‘hey, look, Doug, Tim – can you talk to the men about the importance of validation, because a lot of the guys need this so that they can help save their marriage. But also, help their relationship in general.’ So, Tim, can you talk about validation?
Tim Matthews: I can. I’ll do my best. And you’re a master of this. The first thing to preface this with is that this isn’t just about your intimate relationship. This is very important for all relationships that you’re in, especially in business, with people on your team. You’re gonna do it differently, to some degree, but equally with the kids with family members – whatever. It’s just an effective communication tool. And what it does for the person is it really helps them feel like you understand them. And when you do this effectively, oftentimes, you will put yourself in their shoes. And one of the best ways to describe it: if you’re walking along, and you stumble across a big hole in the ground, and you look into the hole, and you go, oh, It looks cold down there. And you realize somebody’s in the hole. And you should down to them, hey, you, okay? They shout back, ‘Yeah, I’m stuck.’ And you look down, and you say, oh, it looks cold, it looks deep, it looks dark. I’ll get help. The other way would be to climb down in the hole with that person, really get into their situation, and actually sit in their shoes and say, Oh, wow, it’s cold in here, isn’t it? Wow, it’s lonely in here. It’s scary in his hole. And that’s where you really start to become effective with your validation when you can show empathy to somebody.
To empathize with them, you don’t have to agree with what they’re saying. Empathy is different from sympathy, but to show empathy with them. And then, you’re going to obviously be in their shoes, imagine the situation from their point of view and how it might make them feel; you don’t want to tell them how they’re feeling. So you can use words like, I could imagine if, if that was me, it would- or whatever. So, you can keep it loose enough so that you can understand how they might feel whilst also being specific enough with the emotions you would feel in that situation so that they feel like they can relate to you. And when you do this really well, their reaction is, ‘Yes, you get it.’ Yeah, exactly. You’ve explained it to a tee, and you see her face light up, and you realize that you’ve just been able to connect with what she said in a way that she was struggling to connect with it. It’s the same in business. Let’s say somebody’s been bringing a problem to you. And then you say… you’re able to see what the real issue is, and communicate that to them, and you validate them – again, they feel very seen and heard, and it provides an environment for them where they feel safe, they feel seen and heard as well. That goes hand-in-hand. And they wanna keep coming back to you, to talk to you and confide in you, and get advice from you, because it’s a positive experience when they do that with you. You don’t listen to solve the problem. You don’t listen in a disengaged way. You listen intently, you’re engaged, and you’re getting down into the hole and experiencing the situation with them from their point of view.
Doug Holt: That’s exactly what it is. If you’re listening to this podcast, I guess you’re feeling like you’re busting your butt in business, and sometimes you feel like a paycheck. Sometimes you feel like you’re busting your tail, everybody at work respects you, looks up to you, and then you come home, and you’re treated with this cold greeting or cold shoulder from your wife and your kids. And when you feel like that, you question what’s your value in the relationship, what’s your value here, what’s it really all worth to you. And if you feel anything, or you relate to anything I just said, what I did was validate where you could be. And when we validate people, we connect with them. We actually resonate and connect with people who understand our situation, understand what we’re going through, and can relate to us, and who we are as men, or just as people in general.
And validation in your relationship is extremely important because especially feminine energy- feminine energy moves around. And recently, I was talking to a guy who has been married for 25 years. And I asked him a simple question: Are you the same man you were when you married your wife? And he laughed. He goes, ‘No way, man. Not even close.’ I said. Your wife isn’t either. You need to get to know your wife of today rather than just running off the stories of your wife 25 years ago. Validation is one of these things that allows you to do that, gentlemen. It allows you to get into their world, whether it be the pit Tim is talking about or the mountaintop. The highs and the lows, not just the lows. And get into her world, so you understand what it is she’s going through. I always say there are three things that all women want. They want to feel seen, heard, and desired. And validation takes care of those first two.
Tim Matthews: I was thinking money, homes, holidays…
Doug Holt: That’s not what they want. Seen, heard, and desired is what she’s looking for. And as men, we get to provide that leadership. It’s such an honor and a gift to provide that leadership in the family. And validation is your gateway to allow you to do it. Now, we teach a very particular type of validation in the Activation Method. So, the Activation Method is our flagship program where we help married businessmen save their marriage without having to talk about it, get unstuck, and get clear on what to do next. Very simple. But it can be complex at the same time if you don’t have the tools. If you don’t know how to validate, it’s almost like going golfing and maybe it’s your first time golfing, and you’re playing Augusta, a famous golf course. And you have the golf clubs that they’ve given you, because it’s your first time golfing when you go up to the tee box, and you grab a putter.
Now, regardless of how hard you swing that putter, you’re not going to go very far. The man next to you has a driver and knows how to use it. He has the proper tools even if you’re stronger, and maybe you have a better golf swing than he does. He’s using the right tool for the right use case. Now, your putter might be amazing, but you don’t use a putter to drive off the tee. If you do, you’re not going to hit it very far. It’s also not going to go very straight. So you’re gonna have a horrible day at Augusta trying to play a game called golf. Now, you’re playing a game called marriage. You need to have the right clubs and use them at the right times during this game. One thing is validation. We teach a specific type of validation called the Hidden Motives Technique.
The Hidden Motives Technique allows you to use certain methodologies so that your wife feels validated, so she feels seen and heard. And a common thing we hear is men will report back after mastering the Hidden Motives Technique, they’ll report back that the wife will say, ‘wow, I feel really seen and heard for the first time ever in our marriage.’ And the guys are usually taken aback. Like, ‘What? I listen to the things you say all the time. I sit down and listen to it.’ Listening is different than hearing. It’s a different level. You get it when you’re talking and someone’s multitasking. So, if I’m talking to you right now, or you’re talking to me. Let’s say you’re explaining the worst parts about your marriage that are going on right now. And if I grabbed my cell phone, and I just started looking at it, and I’m playing with my phone as you’re talking, and you can tell that I’m texting somebody else, it’s frustrating.
If your wife is doing that, you don’t feel good. It’s not that she’s not hearing the words coming out of your mouth, or I do not hear them in this case, because I am. But I’m not listening to you. You’re not being heard. And that’s why you get frustrated. And this happens a lot in marriages. Men don’t have the tools, Tim. They go up to the driving range at one of the world’s best golf courses and grab the putter. And they swing as hard as they can, they keep swinging that putter wondering why they’re not scoring a hole in one. Well, I’m gonna say your marriage is more important. It’s the most important thing, arguably, in your life. Your kids probably too, and your marriage. Write down right now the last five nonfiction books you’ve read. The last five. Think about them. Tim, you said earlier you’re reading Good To Great. There’s a lot of great books out there. I’ve got a couple myself on my desk.
What are the last five nonfiction books you’ve read? How many of those are around your marriage? If your marriage isn’t at least an 8 out of 10, so 80% – or a B here in the States – if it’s not at least a B, frankly, it sucks. But what are you doing to improve if it’s not at 80%? Validation is one of these skills that you need to learn. You need to. And it goes with your kids. It goes for your business partners, it goes for your employees and your staff. So, if your marketing department doesn’t feel appreciated, use your validation techniques.
Use those techniques to make them feel appreciated. It’s much better than saying, ‘hey, you’re great.’ Go, ‘I’d imagine if you’re busting your butt on this promotion, or whatever it is, and nobody’s complimenting you, and they’re always complaining about something, that’s got to get tiring over time, and makes you unmotivated to actually do the work.’ Or in your marriage. If your wife isn’t feeling validated, or seen and heard, you’re not going to get to desired. It’s a good chance she knows that you want to have sex with her. It’s a good chance. Either that, or you’re having sex somewhere else. So you need to make her feel seen and heard first and foremost. Because almost all women will say they need connection before arousal. They need to feel connected to their partner, before arousal. And they may have sex, and it’s masturbatory sex. They may do it because- I was talking to a man who said, ‘Hey, my wife does it as her obligation or religious obligation to me, and I hate it. I want her to want me, to desire me.’ Cool. Well, she needs to feel connected. She needs to feel seen and heard first, then you can get to that point. It doesn’t work the other way around.
Tim Matthews: You’ve hit the nail on the head.
Doug Holt: I can keep going. I love this topic, because it’s changed my world. The Hidden Motives Technique that we teach in the Activation Method. I think it should be taught in schools. I think it’s just such a powerful, powerful tool. And we’ve tailored it obviously for marriages for men, businessmen, who are busy, who want to save their marriage without having to talk about it. This is one of the tools you want in your toolbox. This is your hammer. So, we’ve done a couple of podcasts on the Hidden Motives Technique. I recommend going over to thepowerfulman.com/podcast, where you just click the podcast button. There’s a search box, search for the Hidden Motives Technique. Look at it, we give all this stuff away for free. We want you to have these things. If you’d like accountability, and individualized coaching in a small group environment, then you want to go through the Activation Method, where a coach will guide you through and tell you how to tweak it. Because just like golfing, even if I’ve got a great driver, I need people to tell me, ‘the reason, Doug, that you’re ending up in the bushes every time is because you need to twist your hips just a little bit more.’ And when I get those tips from the guys that I golf with, who are amazing golfers, those little tweaks, the ball drives straight down the fairway. And I’ll have to spend my entire day in the sand trap, or fishing the ball, trying to fish an extra golf ball out of the pond because I lost mine. We all need these tools and these little tweaks. And the Hidden Motives Technique is one that I can almost guarantee will be life-changing for you.
Tim Matthews: I agree; I couldn’t have said it better. It’s huge. It really is a game-changer. It really is a game-changer. And also getting feedback on your application. It’s one of the reasons why guys are able to go from being on the brink of divorce to either back in the bedroom, within a matter of weeks. It just works. I mean, the Clean Slate method also plays a big part in it. But regardless, those two… what am I saying? It’s the entire Triadic Connection. It’s all fantastic. But yeah, the Hidden Motives Technique and validation itself is such a life skill that’s just so needed. Especially if you’re in business if you’re a business owner, and involved in leading people, even if you talk to people each day – which I’m sure most of us do – be it kids, be it staff, the people in your community. So heed Dougie Fresh’s advice, which would be my strong recommendation to you, and give it a try. What have you got to lose? Give it a try.
Doug Holt:As we always say, take massive action in the moment of insight. We’re in your corner, guys. Take care.
