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Episode #1081
A lot of guys are stuck in the same loop. You work hard, you provide, and you think you’re doing everything right. But deep down, there’s frustration. Maybe she’s pulling away. Maybe you're walking on eggshells. Or maybe you're just not getting the connection, intimacy, or appreciation you thought you would. This episode is about why that happens and how expectations are often the silent killer behind it.
Doug and coach Neil break down the difference between expectations and agreements, and why unspoken expectations build resentment fast. They walk through real examples of how everyday assumptions in marriage who takes out the trash, how often you should have sex, what love is supposed to look like lead to disconnection when they’re not talked about. If you’ve ever thought, “I’m doing my part, why isn’t she doing hers?” this conversation is for you.
You’ll learn how to recognize covert contracts you’ve probably been making without realizing it, and how to shift your mindset from expectation to possibility. They also share a practical exercise you can do today to start clearing the air and rebuilding real trust and connection.
If your relationship feels off, this is where you start doing something about it.
Want to fix the problem at the root instead of guessing your way through it?
Watch the free training at https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales. It walks you through exactly what's going wrong and how to turn it around. No fluff, just clear next steps.
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Transcription
Neil 0:00
We're signing on the dotted line for expectations in a relationship. There are certain things that we do.
Doug Holt 0:04
When you have expectations, that comes from a needy energy.
Neil 0:08
When we let go of expectations, suddenly magic starts to happen.
Doug Holt 0:13
So they both had these expectations that they didn’t even know.
Neil 0:16
The byproduct of intimacy over time builds intimacy in the bedroom.
Doug Holt 0:22
What are her expectations? And do they match?
Neil 0:25
Expectations let them go.
Doug Holt 0:27
You start being adversarial towards your wife's comments.
Doug Holt 0:30
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of The TPM Show. I'm once again joined by the great Coach Neil. Neil, thanks for being here, man.
Neil 0:47
Pleasure, Doug. Great to be here again.
Doug Holt 0:49
I expect this is going to be an amazing show.
Neil 0:52
I think it will be.
Doug Holt 0:53
Well, we want to talk about expectations. It was something we were talking about offline, so to speak, and it's always interesting. When we have these podcasts with great people like yourself, sometimes the conversations when we’re not hitting record have so much depth and soul, I almost wish we’d just keep the cameras rolling the whole time.
Neil 1:13
Didn’t Google have any of that? I’m sure they’re hearing us anyway, right?
Doug Holt 1:16
Well, I’ve got my phone on me, so I’m sure they are. You do too, well. Let’s talk about you brought up the idea of talking about expectations, and you had a really good story around it, if you will.
Neil 1:27
I always say there are the spoken expectations. Like when we get married, we have an agreement for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health those old adages, right? It’s like we’re signing on the dotted line for expectations in a relationship. There are certain things that we do. And I’ve said this before there are some transactions in a relationship. Like, “I’ll put the trash out; that’s a guy’s job.” Or, “You do dinner, I’ll put the kids to bed.” Those sorts of things happen, and there are some spoken expectations around that.
However, in relationships, there are a lot of unspoken expectations. And when we have unspoken expectations, it causes major rifts in relationships disappointment. You’re disappointed all the time. And what stems from unspoken expectations is resentment it builds and builds and builds. Then people don’t say anything, and suddenly it all blows up. The other partner, who didn’t know what they were doing wrong or what she wasn’t doing looks at you like you’ve got two heads. That’s the problem with unspoken expectations.
When I coach men, it’s about letting go of expectation in a relationship. What does that mean? There’s a story of a guy who’s expecting intimacy with his wife which is a whole other topic, intimacy versus sex. He’s expecting to be in the bedroom and make love, and when it doesn’t happen, how does he feel? Because he wants to show his love. And I said, “I get that.” But what happens if you just let go of expectations not expect it and just be with your wife? Be intimate like sitting, having coffee, grabbing her hand, giving her a hug, and saying, “Thanks for everything today.”
Just sitting with her is intimacy. The byproduct of intimacy, over time, builds intimacy in the bedroom. When we let go of expectations, suddenly magic starts to happen especially when your wife turns to you and goes, “Oh, I haven’t felt that in a while.” Because you’re putting off an energy and that needy energy doesn’t work. It pushes her away. A guy who puts it on his calendar to expect it when he gets home how do you think she feels about that?
She’s going to think, “There’s a transaction here. What about me? How do I feel about that?” If you’ve got it in your calendar, it’s like saying, “I’m going to the gym.” It becomes a transaction “I’m going to the gym, gonna work out, gonna feel good afterward.” But what about the other person in that relationship?
If you’re putting it on your calendar, then you’re looking in the wrong place for a relationship to happen. Take your calendar out of it. Focus on the person in front of you and be present with her. If you’re looking ahead and having expectations, where are you? You’re not present.
Doug Holt 4:41
You're definitely not. We bring expectations into it. Wow, there's so much in here to unpack, right? That's what guys get to realize in relationships. When you have expectations, that comes from a needy energy, typically because you have external expectations on the relationship. Not always, because everybody's got a lot of covert contracts, right? These contracts we make with somebody that we don't tell them about or they don't agree to.
A common one in relationships are the small things. Like you said, men take out the trash because that's their job. Well, not every household. And I was talking to one coach, and he said, when he and his wife had been married for a very long time, there was always just something that was off, right? And they did an exercise, which I think is brilliant. I want to say, he said it was like 10 pages of questions, and it was like, when you grew up in your household, who took out the trash, who did the laundry, who cooked dinner, who put away the dishes.
And when he and his wife exchanged papers, oh, your dad took out the trash, but in my house, my mom took out the trash. Oh, your dad did all the cooking. My mom did all the cooking. So they both had these expectations that they didn't even know that they had because they hadn't discussed them about the other person's role. So they look at it and say, the dishes are in the sink, and both of them were thinking, that's that person's job, but never communicating it and getting frustrated like, ah, why are the dishes in the sink again? You know? Why don't you put them away once you wash them? And that would happen. And so these micro resentments start to come up. Death by a thousand cuts.
To your point, there's bigger expectations. I just did a call. I'm doing a whole series over the holidays of trainings, and our great marketing team scheduled me for one tomorrow, and I’ve got to apologize to anybody listening to this. I'm not gonna be making that one. We'll be leading an Alpha Reset. And the last one I did, Neil, I was talking to a guy, and he was saying, look, you know, my wife and I are together, but it looks like we're gonna separate. So I'm gonna, what can I do to kind of win her back? Wrong attitude, wrong attitude.
And I go, my guess is that you're showing up expecting that if you do this, then she'll do that. He goes, well... I said, okay. I go, have you ever been in a room with a cat before? What happens if you chase that cat? If it's on the couch and you run over there to go see how the cat's doing and go pet it, odds are the cat's getting up and it's running away because the energy you're coming out with is aggressive and needy.
But same room, same cat. You walk over, the cat's on the couch, and you sit in the chair across from the couch, ignore the cat, do your own thing. What's gonna happen? Nine times out of ten, that cat's gonna be on your lap, purring.
Okay? I don't want people to get upset like I'm comparing women to cats or men to dogs, but the behaviors are similar. A woman wants a grounded man who is chasing his own ambitions, his own purpose, if you will, that wants to be with her but doesn't need to be with her. She doesn't want a child.
So when you have the expectation that she is, that going back to the bedroom is going to lead to sex, right? She can feel that a mile away. My wife often says, like, I could feel your energy before you walk in the door, right?
And so this is where expectations become a problem. Change expect, and expectations only give you one or two outcomes. You either get what you want, or you don't. And if you don't get what you want, right, you're going to be upset. But if you have possibilities, go to that same bedroom, like, huh, there's a chance, you know, we could have sex tonight. That's possible. It's also possible we have a great conversation, or I could give her a massage, or she can give me one, you know.
Neil 8:52
The engaged indifference is huge. It's like, if you're just like, you know, just want to give you a foot massage, there's nothing else. No. If you have that engaged indifference and you’ve taken it away, and it's not that we talked about in another podcast, it was like caring. It's like, I don't care that I get sex, that's the transaction. What I care about is that I'm connecting with you, and the connection is through physical touch, or it's what are your love languages.
There's another story about that, but it's like, I'm expecting something when I have, and in a lot of relationships, they give from their own love language, expecting the other person to reciprocate that. And people go for years thinking it's not working. It's not working well because you're not, as you said, let's write down what we did in our whole households.
And I think that's where you talk about a contract where you get married, but what is the sitting down and saying where the communication and the connection really happen is, how are we going to move forward as a couple? How? Set the expectations and then hold each other to that and lovingly call each other out in a great way. But poison in relationships is unspoken expectations, and it causes so much resentment and loss of trust.
Doug Holt 10:17
It's huge. And I think a lot of guys, a common thing you hear men say, well, I provide, I bring home the money, I do this, and then she should be doing that, right? She should drop to her knees as I walk in the door, you know, but that's transactional. And did she agree to this? Did you? Did you say, hey, look, I'll go out there and I'm gonna work my job, bring home money. This is what we'll do with the money, and in return, you're gonna have sex with me as soon as I walk in the door, and you're gonna love me. Is that agreement? No. That conversation just doesn't happen.
So it's unmet expectations, right? And uncommunicated expectations. That analogy I've heard used before early on, it was in my early 20s, when I was doing some coaching, or I was receiving coaching, and the analogy on expectations versus possibilities was, let's say, man, you really want a Reuben sandwich, right? Like, oh man, you've been looking for a Reuben sandwich, and so you're expecting to have one. You're expecting the deli.
And you walk up to the deli and you say, I'll have a Reuben. They say, oh, I'm sorry, we don't do Reubens here. Usually, you're going to be upset. I had an expectation of it happening. A possibility like, oh, it would be cool if, you know, a Reuben sandwich would be nice. And you go in the possibility of it, and you say, hey, do you have Reuben sandwiches? They say, no. You go, okay, great, I'll have a roast beef then.
And you're more, you have more malleability, I guess is the word I'm looking for, the phrase. And that gives you more power. That's what men don't realize that the power is in possibility, and you're able to maneuver through that. And we see it in so many men that switch from expectation I'm expecting my wife to do this to possibility, or what we call an engaged indifference coming through. They're able to change their relationships super quickly because now their wife's got a grounded, masculine man who can roll with the punches, so to speak, and make the best out of it.
Neil 12:16
It's being in flow, isn't it? So if you stand outside and you're in the wind and you hear in the trees, it's like there's no real direction. The direction is the direction of the wind, but is it complaining? But it feels so like there's so much power with it, not force. And that's what I love about that. It's like the 100% possible, 100% of the time, if you are engaged but indifferent to the result. And when you have that, it's like I go to play a football game, and yes, I would love to win, but I'm not attached to the winning, because then I'm losing. I'm losing the point of being present to my team where I want to win, because then I'm not focusing on the moment.
Doug Holt 13:00
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I'm sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what's broken. And not only need to know what's broken, but a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That's the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you're going to be toiling with things.
That's why I created a free training a training that not only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have, but also how you get it back. How do you retain that where your wife's looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said, "I do"? You know, I don't know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I'm her man, I feel like I can conquer the world. And I want that for you.
Simply go over to https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales. That's https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales. I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates for you.
Now, back to the podcast.
Neil 14:02
It's like children. Children are always present and live in possibility with everything. And I just love sitting with them, because I learn so much from that possibility. "What's next? What's next? What are they going to do next?"
And so, when you turn to your wife and she doesn't smile, and you just smile back not worrying about if she is going to or not and I think that's, and it also, what does that create when you're grounded? It also creates there's no stress. You're breathing at a level that is using your whole body. You're using the oxygen that's available to you the 70 liters that are available in your lungs to create this space for your woman to be in her grace and feminine. So, guys, expectations let them go.
Doug Holt 14:56
I think, just bringing it back to some point, practical tips. Those guys like those kinds of things, I would think write what's your story that you have right now about your wife, maybe your business, that's bothering you. If it's bothering you, you have an expectation that it should be different. Write that down.
Make a list of all your expectations in your relationship. Make a list of the expectations in your business, expectations in your health. At TPM, we start off with five territories self, right? What are your expectations you have around you? Health what are your expectations around your health? Wealth, abundance, finance, spirituality if you will, your relationships with your wife that's an easy one. Maybe your kids.
And what about your business? What are those expectations? Start writing them down and look at them. In relationships in particular, a lot of times when you have an expectation of something, it means there's a gap. You're not hitting it. Otherwise, it really usually wouldn't be an expectation. What about sex? What's your expectation around sex? Write that down. "Hey, I expect that to be in a marriage. I agreed for monogamy, therefore I should get laid three times a week, and this is how it should be," right?
Write that down, and now go ask your wife, what are her expectations? And do they match? And if they don't, chances are you have a covert contract, and this is where you're having some problems. You're having problems in these areas.
Neil 16:26
Which I think is a great thing. It's like, if you go home to that and she goes, "No, this is what I I'm not expecting that." Okay, so what's in our way? It's an opportunity to get into a conversation, not a confrontation, and not get pissed off and saying, "Oh." It's like, "Oh, this is awesome," and that's the wonder.
And I stress this a lot. When I'm in a situation where something uncomfortable is taking place, I call it a yes moment. And it's like, "Oh, it's a growth moment. Okay, cool. Let's talk about this." And that what does that create? When you can sit down and have a conversation about, "Oh, now I see where we're at," it suddenly creates intimacy. It creates presence with each other and acknowledgment and validation of each other's feelings. That's beautiful.
But what do we do normally? We turn around and walk out, getting pissed off, and we don't talk about it.
Doug Holt 17:18
I had one with my wife that was an interesting one for me, and this is gonna be a very subtle thing, but it came to my mind, so I'm gonna share it. I have this thing about the toilet seat, right? Put the toilet seat down, right? For women, I'll go, well, lifting the toilet seat up is one action. Putting it down is two actions. Or a woman could put the toilet seat down that’s just one action. She can leave it there. So therefore, ergo, I shouldn't have to put the toilet seat down, because that's two actions.
Anyway, that was my argument. Had been for a long time stupid, dumb but that was my argument nonetheless. And my wife said, “You know, when you put the toilet seat down, it makes me feel like you're a woman, and it makes me feel respected.” And I thought, no problem, put the toilet seat down every time, right? But it was the expectation she had, the expectation that I had the belief that men should do this for women every time. I had the expectation that I shouldn't have to do that, right?
So once we came to, “Hey, let's come to an agreement on expectations,” and I have a relatively strong personality, I've been told that. So if I don't want to do it, I won't do it. That goes with my wife or anything else, or I'll give pushback. But when we came to an agreement like, “Okay, I understand where you're coming from. This makes you feel better. I want you to feel loved and respected. Cool.” She tied it in perfectly to my desires as well. This is now our expectation, and if I violate that expectation, hold me accountable to it.
Neil 18:52
That is the point, right? It's like, I am not just doing something, and it's another chore. No, it’s what’s available when I do that, or I do that for somebody is that showing love? That’s because you’ve talked about it. That’s a powerful analogy. It’s like, wow, thank you. That’s communicating in such a way, like having a coffee in the morning, and you have it on a timer, so when your wife comes out of the bedroom, you’ve left for work and there’s a little note with a coffee, and it’s ready to be made, and she’s just got to pour it out.
That can make all the difference in the world. That says everything. Having the electric blanket on in the bed for that she would try to fiddle around with it you’ve already got it set up. Having those conversations, how does that make you feel that I do that, is really important to get intimate with. Those little, those micro wins are huge. Just something as simple as that. It’s wonderful.
Doug Holt 19:54
Well, they are huge. And bringing it back to expectations if your wife expects you to turn the heater on in bed and you don’t, then she’s going to be resentful and be upset. And that’s on her though that’s a covert contract or unmet expectation that hasn’t been communicated. Now, I’m going to guess, I don’t have these stats, but I’m going to guess that 85% of our listeners are men, so I’m gonna speak to those guys. We have a lot of women, a lot more than I even knew. I knew we had a lot of women listening, but a lot more than we knew. We were talking about this offline. Guys, your wives are calling our advisors to enroll you into the programs. This is happening. We don’t allow them to do that, obviously.
Neil 20:38
There is something behind that too, which is gentlemen, I want you to understand this. Your wives are your biggest cheerleaders. Yes, they married you for a reason, because they saw your greatness. And if they're doing that, when you push back on that, what that’s about is you. And she loves you enough to be honest and wants this for you because she sees something. So we’ve got to let go of that ego conversation, which is all about coaching, by the way, so you can be supported around that.
So if there’s anything I would like to say on this show, it’s this allow your wife to support you. Because when you first started dating, you let her be anything she wanted, and she was your biggest cheerleader, and vice versa. Like, “Oh, I’ll do that with you.” So allow her to support you where she sees, because she’s also your coach. She can see your blind spots and vice versa. It’s not just about us it’s about the guys too, being the cheerleaders.
Doug Holt 21:37
So 100% right. And over time, resentments can build. Expectations that aren’t met cause resentments, and you start being adversarial towards your wife’s comments. She says, “Hey, look, you should do a program.” And it’s like, “What do you mean? What are you trying to say that I need to be fixed? I need help?” She’s advocating for you, that’s it. And it becomes an issue. Well said, Neil.
Neil 22:00
You’re not broken, none of us. You know, it’s nothing to fix. It’s we’re going to do something different. There’s a behavior here that’s not working. That’s all it is. You have a skill set. You are great at what you do. You put food on the table and a roof over our heads for the kids, and you love your family. I know that you love your family. But there are parts of us not all of us, of course but there are parts of us that we need to shift and change, to create a new behavior.
Just like, okay, I want to lose weight. You’ve got to change your behavior to lose that weight or as I like to say, to release weight. So I’ve got to look at my men, you know what am I eating? That’s a different behavior. It’s not like, okay, I’m going to fix this problem. It’s not a fix, because we use that word all the time, and that means it’s broken. It’s not broken. I’m just going to shift the behavior to change the trajectory of your life with your wife and your kids.
Doug Holt 22:50
I love that, man. Absolutely love it. So, gentlemen, just as a take-home you know, write down your expectations. What expectations do you have? Don’t sit down and write what you think your wife’s expectations are. This is not about fixing her. Let’s just work on our side of the street first. What are your expectations? And then start communicating them and see if they’re realistic.
I’ve caught myself, Neil, having expectations that I went, “You know what? That’s not fair. That’s not fair for me to expect that a person would do this just because I do it.” And for men, a lot of them, it’s acts of service and hard work, you know? So they expect everybody else around them to do the same. And not everybody has the same expectations.
Neil 23:27
I'm like that for myself. For me, it's a no-brainer to support anybody in the kitchen, in the household. I believe that that is my role as a man to support. And I don't even think about it. I don't look for a, you know, a pat on the back that doesn't bother me. I'm like, this is what I do. I'm in service to my family, and that's a no-brainer. I don't even think twice about it. Love that.
Doug Holt 23:51
That's such a great attitude to have. It's one I could adopt even more myself, truly. You know, because I, in just this conversation, am realizing it. So always, always growing, always learning.
Neil 24:02
Right? Love it. Me too, man. Right. I use that word, right.
Doug Holt 24:06
Gentlemen, as I often say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Do this work. Do this exercise. Write down your expectations. As I'm talking to you about this, I'm thinking of one individual that I have expectations of, and I'm realizing well, this is what's causing my resentment toward this person. I have expectations that I haven't fully communicated, so I'm getting my insights too.
So after this, I'm going to write down a list of those expectations, and now I'm going to get on the phone and talk to this person and say, "Hey, these are the expectations I have. Do you agree or disagree?"
And I'm also going to apologize for putting that upon them, because that's not fair. It's a covert contract, and a lot of times we have these subconsciously we don't think about them. You deserve more than average, and this is your chance to take action and do the work. It's easy to listen to these. It's easy to go on to the next one and the next one, but that's really educational masturbation.
Do the work. That's the hard stuff, and that's what makes the difference between a boy and a man. See you next time on The TPM Show.
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