Episode #960
Ever catch yourself staring in the mirror thinking, “This can’t be it… right?”
That quiet pull, like there’s gotta be more to life—but you’re not even sure what “more” means anymore?
Yeah. You’re not the only one.
In this episode, we get into what a lot of people call a midlife crisis—but we see it differently. We call it a midlife awakening.
Steve and Mark, two of our Alpha Reset coaches, join me for a real conversation about what it actually looks like to hit that wall… and then move through it. These guys have walked with a lot of men through some serious turning points, and they don’t sugarcoat it.
We dig into:
– The silent weight a lot of men carry around without even realizing it
– Why reading all the self-help books in the world won’t move the needle unless you’re willing to get uncomfortable
– What it means when your “little boy” shows up in your marriage—and why your wife feels it even if you don’t
– How most men are chasing a “dream life” they’ve never actually defined
– And yeah… we even talk about a guy who had a realization about his own ashes that completely changed where he chose to live—while he was still alive
This one’s not about fixing yourself. It’s about waking up to what’s real—and maybe starting to live like you mean it.
So if you’ve been saying “livin’ the dream” with an eye roll and a tired laugh… might be time to find out what your real dream actually looks like.
.
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Transcription
Steve 0:00
One of the things that got me into coaching was mid-career, walking around and talking to my colleagues and saying, “How’s your day going?” They’re like, “Living the dream, living the dream, Steve. Living the dream.” And after a while, I was like, “Oh man, I don’t want to be around people that are sarcastically living their dream.” Yeah, you know, this process actually enables people to live the dream—yeah—and find out what it is, and then go out and live that dream.
Doug Holt 0:47
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM Show. Today, I have two special guests. I have the magician and the waymaker—the great coaches that led the Alpha Reset. We got Coach Steve with us and Coach Mark Hainsworth. Guys, thanks for being here.
Mark 1:02
Thank you, Doug.
Doug Holt 1:04
Yeah, you guys led another group of fine men, you know, from the starting point of coming in to the actual resetting those men back to their, you know, kind of back to their whole selves, I guess you’d say. And I’ve had an opportunity to talk to all the men that went through the program. So great job.
Thanks. Thanks.
Tugging means a lot. Yeah, well, I’ve heard “life-changing.” You know how it is as coaches, and you hear it. You hear “life-changing, life-changing.” You almost hear it so many times that it loses its impact. But as somebody that wasn’t leading it—coming in—and you guys are leading it, and I get to hear it like the third person almost, that impact comes back again.
Mark 1:46
You know, every man’s process is different. Every man is unique. Every man’s way of reconnecting is different.
Steve 1:56
We saw it all. He saw it all. He saw it all this week. It was just—yeah. Amazing to see—yeah—each guy come into their individual wholeness, right? And there was wholeness of the group too. It was a wholeness of the group.
The guys asked, they said—one of the guys said—”Can I give you some feedback?” I’m like, “Sure.” Because you took a group picture of us at the end. He said, “I’d love to have seen what the group picture of this was like at the beginning.” Great point. A really good point that had—yeah—because the group energy was—yeah. I mean, you would have gotten an image of it, which you could have seen in their eyes and their closeness that you would have seen.
Doug Holt 2:44
So a lot of times, you guys know, we do before and after pictures with the guys, exit interviews and such, and you can see it there. Men often look 10 years younger, right? Because the weight is just off of them. The stress is off of them.
We had guys in here looking at each other, going, “You, you’re a different guy.” Since he shared it on the last podcast we did—Coach Mike said he got into FaceTime with his wife, and she said, “You look really handsome.” And she repeated it like eight times to him. It’s like, “Well, wait a minute—what did I look like before?” She’s like, “What’s going on with you?” She’s like, “I like this guy.”
Mark 3:19
Let’s chat about that. Because when he walked in, we had—we actually, we four coaches sat down this morning and we gave each other feedback, okay? And we said to Mike, “Mike, what happened, man?” He’s about three inches taller. He’s walking straight. He’s got a bounce in his step.
And when he arrived on day one, he looked—he looked dead beat. I mean, Mike and I have got a great relationship. “Mike, you look deadbeat today.” He looked alive again. And just—and what it brought home to me is we all need a reset regularly, in a way.
Doug Holt 3:55
Yeah. I didn’t realize that you haven’t been through it. So it’s just you. Tim and I are the only three.
Mark 4:00
Yeah? And it’s interesting because, you know, sometimes we need someone to step in and help out. I’ve done all but one of the processes. I’ve actually participated. But I’ve done it across eight Alpha Resets, really.
Doug Holt 4:10
Yeah, yeah. Interesting. You’re getting it piecemeal, yeah?
Mark 4:12
I get a piece at a time, yeah. And of course, as I go through it, I learn new tricks. “Oh wow, this will be really potent.” And I bring that in at the next reset.
That’s why you’re the magician.
Of course, I eat my own magic.
Doug Holt 4:27
Definitely, definitely. So as you guys are going through this journey, I know you guys are exhausted emotionally. And so for those that haven’t been to this, and you’re holding space for so many men—coming through different time zones to be here, leaving your families as well and your other obligations—when you think about the guy’s journey, right, when they’re coming through with trepidation, they’re coming into this, what do you think separates men who show up for an event like this versus men who are constantly, you know, considering change?
Steve 5:01
I had a bit of a conversation with one of the men afterwards, and he had been reading all the books. He’d been digesting all the information. And one day, he realized he wasn’t changing—like he would just read it and nod his head, and it’s like, “Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.”
And it wasn’t until he made the commitment to join TAM—The Activation Method—that he’s like, “Wait a second, I actually have to do something.” And once I started doing something, I saw changes. Yeah, I saw changes, right?
And so as it is with the Alpha Reset, it’s the same thing, right? Once they started doing something, they started to see the change—sure—and it gained momentum, and it grew, and it grew, and it grew.
Doug Holt 5:55
Yeah, I think, you know, it’s like anything—shout out to Chef Gregory—because, you know, he teaches men to cook. I’ve watched tons of cooking shows and, you know, little tidbits on cooking, but you put me in the kitchen, I don’t know what I’m doing, right? And there’s a difference between institutional knowledge or understanding something conceptually versus actually doing it.
And to your point earlier—you’re doing the processes, we are going through that process—you probably have a different understanding of the process versus just knowing how the process works.
Mark 6:29
Absolutely. I mean, there’s nothing—for me—there’s nothing better than the experience of going through my process as a participant and just noticing, “Ah, something happened there, and what was the impact on me as a participant?” And whether that’s being able to help create an impact like that—if it’s good, how can we facilitate an impact? And if it was really, really bad, how can we make sure that that doesn’t happen, if it was something that was damaging maybe?
So I use that. So as I say, I go in and eat my own medicine, but at the same time, when I’m in the process as a facilitator, you know, taking men through the process, all the time I’m checking, “How’s this landing?” And I’m picking up on cues, and sometimes I say something and I see a shift. I go, “What’s just happened? Yeah, what’s just happened? Did it land well? Did it not land well?” And something I said—it was kind of an offhand comment—one of the guys on this particular The Alpha Reset said, “I want to say something. I’ve never spoken up about this before, but I feel it’s maybe safe enough here to speak up about it.”
And so there’s this really—there’s a potent conversation, wasn’t it? Yeah. Just an offhand remark can land really badly, and then it might cause a guy to just detach—yeah—go back into his cave, hide, shut down. And what was beautiful—he stepped up and, “Oh wow, thank you for giving me that feedback. It helps me to do a better job next time.” And he got something for himself as well.
Doug Holt 8:13
Yeah, that’s the key, right? I think as coaches, you know, we have to be, one, empathetic—right? We have to be in the muck with the guys as they’re going through the process, or you can’t help them.
And that’s why it can be so draining, because you’re going through nine processes, let alone whatever’s coming up for you during that time period, and prep work and all the other things that come into it. And you really have to be—for something to be this transformational within a three-day period—you really have to be able to get down in that ditch with them and see what it feels like, see what’s down there, so you can offer a light.
Steve 8:49
Yeah, yeah. And back to your original question—what’s the difference? Yeah. Unafraid. Just unafraid to step in.
Doug Holt 8:57
Is it unafraid, or is it courage? Right? In other words, I’m still scared—well—and I’m gonna come in.
Steve 9:04
It is actually courage. But to know that something might happen that you were afraid of—you’ve got the courage to face it. Yep. Either as a participant or even a coach. Yeah, that’s what we’re talking about. It’s like you said—being in the trenches. Yep. Like having the courage to step into the space. Maybe you’re not knowing what’s exactly going to happen here—yeah—but you trust that you have it, the guys around you will support you, guys like Mark, the coaches have your back. It just makes that happen. It helps you to move.
Doug Holt 9:49
It does. It’s not lost on me—the level of trust the men put in us when we run an event like this. That, to me, is always astounding and such a privilege.
Steve 10:00
Yeah, that’s one of the hugest things I took away from it—was the humility of the experience, because it was such a privilege.
Doug Holt 10:10
And so when you’re thinking about these guys that ran through this experience—and imagine, if you would, there’s a fourth person in the room with us, someone listening to us talk right now—how would you describe the Alpha Reset?
Mark 10:26
So the way I approach it when I’m facilitating it—there is the program that we take the men through, but it’s an inquiry as to: What’s difficult? What’s the burden you’re carrying on your heart? What’s the thing that’s holding you back? What’s the thing that’s keeping you hidden? What’s the thing—what’s the thing that’s hardest for you to just show up in your own glory?
So that’s how I approach it, because, you know, having been part of so many of these now, the common thread that goes through this is: How can we just help a man be himself? Yes, that’s my—that’s the fundamentals as far as I see it. How can I help a man see himself, hear himself, be himself, when he possibly doesn’t even know that he—that that’s what the challenge is? Yes. How do we ask the questions that allow the guy to suddenly go, “Oh my goodness, this is what I’m doing to myself”? Yeah? Unwittingly, unconsciously.
Doug Holt 11:36
Yeah. So if I’m going to paraphrase that, The Alpha Reset to you is—from a man’s point of view, from a participant’s point of view—uncovering who they really are.
Mark 11:48
Yep, yeah. And then connecting to that. Yes. There’s so many—my experience—are actually disconnected from themselves. Yeah, some don’t even realize it though.
Steve 12:02
Yeah, it’s like opening those doors that they don’t even know are there. You have no idea. It’s not even about they’re locked or not. You don’t even know they’re there. They’re actually wide open. They’ll just go wide open. But if you don’t know it’s there, you’re not gonna walk through it And so the process allows them to walk through multiple doors to find who they really are. And just—you don’t know what those doors are gonna be sometimes, till they unveil themselves.
Doug Holt 12:31
Yeah. So one way I describe it to people when I get asked is, you know, have you ever looked in the mirror and just felt like there was something more, like there’s a part of you that’s just missing? There’s something more for you. And most guys are like, “Well, yeah, yeah.” A lot of guys can’t look at themselves in the mirror, stare in their own eyes. I go, that’s what this does. And I think a common pop culture thing is being unplugged from the Matrix—taking the stuff away that society, your wife’s put on you, media has put on you—and just finding who you are, your true essence. And hence, watching some guys walk in the first day not being able to make eye contact—all powerful men in their own right—but then next thing you know, they’re giving you a big hug. And you can just see the love in their eyes for themselves and for life. That it’s like, it’s like a renewal, right? It’s like, “Hey, here’s your second ticket to the game we call life.”
Mark 13:24
I’m gonna almost say it’s the midlife rebirth.
Doug Holt 13:28
Yeah, or like an Alpha Reset.
Mark 13:35
Or an Alpha Reset, yeah. And each guy’s gateway is different—defining himself.
Doug Holt 13:41
I couldn’t agree more. So it all happens at different times too.
Mark 13:48
I’ve actually seen one guy get it. He got it as he walked away from—it was another program—but as he walked away from the weekend, I looked at him, and he went, “I’ve got it.” It was the departure that really gave him what he needed.
Doug Holt 14:01
Okay, interesting.
Steve 14:05
Yeah, very cool. What comes to mind for me too is—one of the things that got me into coaching was mid-career, walking around and talking to my colleagues and saying, “How’s your day going?” They’re like, “Living the dream, living the dream. Steve, living the dream.” And after a while, I was like, “Oh man, I don’t want to be around people that are sarcastically living their dream.” Yeah, right? And so, you know, this process actually enables people to live the dream—yeah—and find out what it is, and then go out and live that dream. So that’s another way I like to look at it.
Mark 14:51
Well, yeah, I just wanted to check—you said, so it’s living the dream, but they’re actually getting to create the dream that they want to live. They’re tapping into what that dream could be for them.
Steve 15:02
For sure. For sure. One of the reasons they’re not living the dream—there’s tons of reasons they’re not living the dream—but, you know, one of the things you just spoke to is they have no idea what it means. What it means, right? So yeah, we give them that too. So it’s a number of things that go into it. I mean, honestly, I’m living my dream. Yeah? Like, I am living my dream working with these guys in this place. I don’t know—I don’t think of anything better than living that dream.
Doug Holt 15:30
And the coach is next to you, yeah? I was talking to one of the guys in the kitchen after. So I came in—so people listening to this know—I came in, the event’s over, just to say hi and, selfishly, just soak up some of that energy that’s in the room. And I was talking to one of the gentlemen that’s been through—one of the participants—and he’s going to live his dream now. He’s going home. He and his wife have a goal and a vision of what they want to achieve, and as a result of this process, he’s going to pull the trigger and make it happen, you know?
And I always say this—I have a big poster above, near my desk—and it says, “One ticket,” right? And your ticket for life, you know, you can only redeem it one time. That we know about, anyway—at least that I know about—maybe there’s a second or a third, who knows? But why would you not live this life doing what you love, right? I mean, some people are in circumstances—I get that—but anybody listening to this isn’t in that circumstance. So why don’t you really shoot for the stars and do something, right? So if your marriage isn’t working, get help or change something. If it’s your physical fitness, if it’s your business—you don’t like your business—either refine the passion for the business or change businesses.
Mark 16:49
You know, short story—we just go down a little rabbit hole here, please. At some stage in my 30s, I wrote my first will, and one of the questions was what I want to do with my ashes, or whatever—the body—and I wrote down where I wanted the ashes spread.
And then a few years later, while my marriage was in pieces, I suddenly thought, “If that’s where I want my ashes to be when I’m dead for the rest of all time, why don’t I go and live there now?” Yeah, and that was, like, the wake-up call. And that’s where I’m living right now. Really. Yeah. That’s cool. I ended up back there.
Doug Holt 17:27
Yeah, that is very cool. It’s so interesting how we can have these little insights, but also that people can put pressure on us in society. When I left Santa Barbara, I had a lot of very successful, smart people—by a lot of standards—tell me it was the worst idea ever. And it turned out to be an amazing adventure, right? It was my adventure, and it wasn’t theirs.
And I think really what happened, when I look at it retrospectively, is me going after what I wanted made them realize that they weren’t going after what they truly wanted. Bingo. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Crabs in the bucket, right?
Mark 18:00
Yeah, there’s someone going for his dream. Oh—oh, maybe I’m not doing mine.
Steve 18:08
100%. My wife and I had a very similar experience. I think I’ve shared it with you. Where, again, we raised our kids, and there’s things that we love to do that were difficult to do where we were living. And one day, we’re just driving along the freeway on the way to one of these places that we love to go to. Got off on the wrong exit. She looks around, she goes, “It’s like a pretty good place. I think we should move here.” Three months later, we were living there. 25 years later, we raised our family there.
It’s the most wonderful place. But we had the courage and the desire to just live our—just buy the ticket, live the dream. Yeah. And just see where it takes you.
Doug Holt 18:54
Yeah. I mean, worst-case scenario, it doesn’t pan out. And guess what? You do something else. Yeah, yeah. It’s the stagnation, I think, that gets most people—myself included. When I find myself in indecision, I know that’s a warning sign for myself. Like, okay, there’s an issue there. There’s something that’s blocking me from moving forward or moving in the direction of my intuition. And that’s why I just pick one, right? Because you pick one, you can always go, “Okay, that’s not the right one. Now I know option two is the right one,” versus just standing in the middle.
Mark 19:25
Yep. I’m wondering also, just as you’re saying that, whether there’s a time in a man’s life when it happens more frequently—and we might call it midlife crisis—but to me, it’s early 40s to late 40s that questioning comes in: “Is this what I really want for me in my life? What’s my purpose in life?”
Doug Holt 19:45
I think I went through one in my 20s. Several.
Steve 19:50
There are several. But that—yeah—“live my dream” was definitely in my 40s.
Doug Holt 19:54
When I think back, I talk to the men and guys listening—I think the reason it happens in your 40s is multifaceted, right? There’s biological reasons. But also, we’re sold—a lot of us—by this story that, hey, if you put your head down, you get married, you get the 2.3 kids, the dog, white picket fence, you work, you work really hard, and everybody’s gonna love you, and everything’s gonna turn out great. And so men do that. And they hit about their 40s or so, and they’re like, “Wait a minute, this wasn’t the dream I was sold. Like, what’s going on? All right, I’m gonna start taking care of myself.” And they call it the midlife crisis, but I wonder if it’s more of like a midlife awakening, of like, “Hey, I’m in the back 40 now. Like, this is starting to get real—that time is running out now.”
Mark 20:45
And time runs out faster—or seems to run out faster—the older we get. Yeah, you know, I’ve been looking at this recently. I’m going, “How many years have I got left, and how much can I squeeze into that time?” And yet I asked myself the same question at 22, when I came out of college. Life seemed to go on forever, and I just went to play. Achieved an awful lot in that quite short time.
And then as I get older, I’m realizing, “Hang on, I haven’t maybe got the bandwidth that I used to have when I was young.” Yeah. So then the choice becomes much more important. And then the bucket list starts to get drawn up.
Doug Holt 21:25
Okay, yeah, yeah. You want to share a bucket list item with us?
Mark 21:31
I want to go to China. I’ve never been to China. Cool. And I’ve got this itch to do—whether it’s Tibet, Nepal, Bhutan, or some kind of trek. And then also, I’d like to get on a sailing boat and go down to the Antarctic Peninsula.
Steve 21:49
I’m gonna tag on to two of yours, because two of yours are mine. Which is—I don’t know about Antarctica, actually, for the war motion in water. So I know you can captain. Love to go on a, like, a week-long, you know, port-to-port sail—that’s on my bucket list. Nepal—like hiking in the Himalayas—is definitely on my bucket list after my Alps last year. So that’s the next step for me. Those are bucket list items.
Doug Holt 22:18
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Mark 23:10
I’m gonna have to hold him accountable now. Yeah, exactly. The problem is he’s gonna hold me accountable.
Doug Holt 23:17
We’re recording this—masking. That’s awesome. When you think about, you know, kind of the bucket list things that a lot of people have, a lot of it’s traveling, right? That’s a very common thing people have when they come through here.
I wonder why—and you guys are in the situation—but for the men listening to this, most of the men listening to this either are having or have had recently problems in their relationship or are feeling stuck and unclear on life, right? That’s the audience we cater to. How come men don’t have a bucket list of improving their relationship or having an amazing marriage?
Steve 23:53
They don’t know it’s possible.
Doug Holt 23:56
Okay, I can see that.
Steve 23:57
Yeah, a lot of times they’ve just resigned to the fact that it’s not possible.
Doug Holt 24:02
It’s going to be, “This is the way it’s going to be,” and that’s it.
Steve 24:05
That’s it. And maybe that’s what their parents were like, and so they’re just settling for that.
The other reason would be—it’s too hard. Yeah, it’s too hard buying the ticket. Yeah, it’s much easier—it’s much easier to look somewhere else than to look here. And it just—it blows my mind because I’m not like a lot of the other—I am like a lot of the other guys, right? Mid—into the end of the relationship, 15 years or so, you know, it’s not the same. And you do start wondering, right?
Yeah. But then you start thinking, you know, you’re like, “Wait a second, doesn’t make any sense. This is the person I have kids with, the person I’ve spent all this time with. Wouldn’t it be a little better to do the work on this one?” One—yeah—because of all the stuff that we have. Just think of the richness that we can have if we do the work on it. The richness is just so much more—so much more. The possibility is so much greater than starting over.
Doug Holt 25:15
I agree. I mean, sometimes you have to start over, right? That just—it happens. Happens. But if you’re going to pick your choose—I wonder if, in listening to you, I’m wondering if a reason men don’t put that on their bucket list is because going to China—I can’t fail. I buy a ticket, I go.
If I work on the marriage, I could fail. And then what is that? How does that play into my identity, right? That’s what I’m wondering. Like, there’s that—going to China, the Himalayas—I mean, these are all great trips, and I have some recommendations if you guys want to do either of those. But there’s a failure aspect, an identity play of, “Who am I as a man if this fails?”
Therefore, I’ll take the easy route, and I’ll just go on the adventure.
Mark 26:03
And also—because I’m considering this—if I’m to look at creating the relationship that I want consciously, I’ve got to look at, “Well, what isn’t there right now?” So immediately there’s, “Oh my goodness, I’m not showing up how I could do,” and that’s possibly causing an impact.
And so I’ve got to start looking at me as to the contribution that I’m putting in—or not putting in—that’s causing me to feel like…
Doug Holt 26:39
That’s what happened to me. So when Erin and I—I was looking at leaving the relationship with my wife—I was down in Solana Beach, California. I was lucky enough to have clients I was working with at the time that had a beach house, and so I was staying there. And I was staying there—maybe indefinitely, or not—and I was ready to go. Like, I had things in order, another potential… potentials lined up, you know, I was gonna have a safe landing spot.
So I was running on the beach—waves—kind of one of those idyllic days that isn’t long. Beach, wave hitting your face. And I go—I was kind of running, I was like, “Huh. Have I been the best husband I could be for 30 days straight?”
And the answer—it wasn’t like a long debate—it was like, No. Like a slap in the face. I go, “Man, I’m going to take this into the next relationship. So why don’t… you know… why don’t I try to work for 30 days?” It’s such a short period of time. Why don’t I try to do the best thing I can for 30 days?
And I failed. I couldn’t even consciously do it for 30 days. I would slip up, because I didn’t have The Hidden Motives Technique, or try to connect—things like that. So I was just out there, reading books—yeah—podcasts, whatever I could find, taking courses. But none of it put it all together. And—but that was also the realization of, like, “Wait a minute. I think that I need to look at this side of the street a little bit more closely before I start telling her that she needs to clean up her side.”
Steve 28:02
Yeah? Took me eight years, roughly, to clean up my side of the street—or just to realize, to come to that realization. Yeah, like the awakening. There was an awakening, and then there’s the, you know, working, then—yeah, just—and putting it all together. Yeah, like, basically putting the— That’s why eight years rings for me, is because we have an eight-week program, so it’s like—it’s literally—I feel like in eight weeks, you know, we accelerate the process. Took me personally eight years.
Doug Holt 28:36
That’s what one of the volunteers said to me off camera. We were walking away. He’s like, “What you guys teach isn’t exactly new.” And I go, “No, it’s not.”
He’s like, “Well, you’ve done this—you’ve accelerated it. Like, this takes decades to learn.” He said, “Twenty years. I wish I would’ve known this for 20 years. I’ve been trying to figure this out on my own. And now what you guys have done is put it in a system which condenses it—within eight weeks, a man can get to this stage.”
Steve 29:01
To be clear, I was trying to figure it out for a longer—much longer—point than eight years. But eight years is like, okay, I gotta figure it out. I gotta figure something out. And to piece all the puzzles together and get to the point where I’d say I was probably about where the guys that graduate fromThe Activation Method are—or is that? That’s about what it was.
And then the next thing was—oh, you’re not done, right? Yeah. And, you know, for my wife and I, going into our personal story, we sort of did our own sort of reset together. And the way we did that was actually through our coaching program. Yeah. So we did a coaching program together, and that was a little bit like—I’d done those eight years, we’d gotten to a certain point, and then we did our reset together, and our coaching program together, which is like a little mini reset for us. And yes, it moved us a little bit forward—even more.
Mark 30:03
It’s funny you mention that, Steve, because I was just—there was something bubbling for me around the times when there’s been a reset in my relationship with Debbie—is when we’ve gone and done some work together.
Either she goes off on a girl—you know, a women’s weekend—and comes back with something new. I go off, you know— There’s a lightness that comes in. It’s like she’s resolved something in herself. And I can appreciate that. You know, I get the benefit of that.
And I know when I go away on my men’s weekends, I come back with something slightly different, and she goes, “Oh…” You know, I’ll get some feedback around that. But when we go on a retreat together, and we’re going through a similar process—but we’re going through it together and separately—yeah, that’s really… it’s really good for the relationship, huh?
Doug Holt 30:53
Yeah. I don’t think Erin and I did that early on in our marriage. We haven’t—with little kids, we haven’t done it since, sure. Unless one of you guys wants to come babysit for a week…
Mark 31:01
I’m open to it. I heard Tim Matthews is quite good. I mean, he needs some practice. Yes?
Doug Holt 31:06
I thought that many times—but if you’re for his safety…
Steve 31:10
Yeah, but that—you know, that’s why we keep coming back and doing this too. 100%, right? She’s like—she’s—I’ve done a few of these now, and what Robin is starting to appreciate is—I come back slightly better than I was before. Every single time. Yeah, every single time. Because you’re doing the work.
Mark 31:30
I sent a message to Deb—you’re absolutely right. I work with these beautiful men. Actually, they’re all beautiful—the guys we had this—yeah, they were.
And I listen, and I go, “Oh, I do that too.” And I sent a message to Debbie, and I just said, “Wanted to let you know that I appreciate your support in me being able to come to do this—to do what I love.” And I said, “Because I learn all of the opportunities where I can show up better for you.” And she just sent me, “What a beautiful message.” And I’ve got to go and deliver.
Steve 32:03
Exactly. You got like 24-hour, 48 hours of travel?
Mark 32:06
Yeah. Figured out.
Doug Holt 32:10
Well, it’s true. I mean, Erin always encourages me to come, because I come back better, right? Because what—you’re just natural—with coaching, we are seeing yourself. To be empathetic, to be in the mud, you have to feel it and experience it. And by feeling and experiencing it, you’re looking at your own shadows as well—your own dark corners of your room—because you can’t shine a light for somebody else and then expect not to look in your own closet—for another analogy or metaphor.
Yeah, you have to. Sometimes it’s not the most fun, but—or sometimes it’s great, you’re like Indiana Jones exploring your own internal world. Ideal. But sometimes they’re shooting darts at you.
Steve 32:48
Exactly. Yeah.
Doug Holt 32:52
It’s amazing to see the development of the guys as they come through and as they’re going through. Now, you guys not only do the Alpha Resets, but you work with a lot of men in the movement. What would be—what’s one commonality that you’ve heard coming up recently that a lot of the men seem to be missing?
Steve 33:13
Instead of missing their wives when they’re here?
Doug Holt 33:14
That’s the great thing, right? The women listening to this, like, “I’ll send my husband.” Now, I’m thinking—why? I have the brain trust here of the two of you, and we have a microphone. We’ve had over a million downloads of the podcast. We’re trying to think of— I can think of one right away, so I’ll use my example. We don’t have to talk about it, but I’d love to hear yours.
One is—a lot of the men are being needy. I’m seeing that as a major—not a trend, it’s been for a long time—but I’ve seen it come up more and more in conversation, that the men’s need for validation of their identity as a husband, as a man, is causing them to act inappropriately to get the result they want.
Mark 33:56
And it comes back to—I think it still comes back to—the little boy that lives inside each of us. And when guys are showing up asking for validation, or asking in—they might not be these words—asking to be seen, asking to be loved, asking to be felt proud of, asking to be appreciated.
I often sort of approach that question with, “Okay, so if you could imagine you had a little boy inside of you who wanted to feel that, what would you tell him?” In fact, imagine your little boy—or your little girl—was wanting that. What words would you use to pacify, validate? And then ask them to just look in the mirror and tell that to themselves.
And then there’s something emotional that happens inside. And I go, “So can you imagine that your wife is having to deal with the little boy you’re carrying inside of you?” If you could look after your little boy, it takes the pressure off her. And she might see you as a little bit more adult.
Doug Holt
Hmm, does that make sense?
Mark
It makes complete sense to me, yeah. And it’s like—you look after the little guy, and then she can see you as the man.
Doug Holt
I like that.
Mark
But if you’re demonstrating the little boy to her, she’ll feel that. Yes, she’ll feel a little boy. And at the same time, your wife’s got a little girl inside of her—yes. And that shows up from time to time. Maybe that little girl inside her just needs to feel safe. Yeah, so although you’ve got an adult safety-testing you, there’s a little girl inside who wants to know she’s safe.
Steve 35:37
100%. I use that all the time. Yeah, yeah. And if you ever want to see his little boy—come to an Alpha Reset. His little boy shows up.
Doug Holt 35:49
This is a euphemism—I wasn’t here for these last couple days.
Steve 35:58
This is his genius. Genius, yeah. And so when he’s working with the guys—sometimes your little boy comes out. But the way Mark—it’s just beautiful to see. It’s just beautiful.
Doug Holt 36:15
It is. That’s how I know I have genuinely you. Yeah, the real all-you. There’s no hiding. Nothing. That’s how I know—that’s my relation to it. Yeah, yeah. I like it. Makes me want—my little boy wants to… not play.
Mark 36:27
Yeah, and it’s when my little boy shows up with the tears.
Doug Holt
Yeah.
Mark
Because he does. I mean, I’ve cried for three days.
Steve 36:35
Tears of happiness. Sometimes there’s tears of sadness. Yeah, but—yeah. You know those little boys… we didn’t—most of us—sometimes we didn’t. And that’s one of the challenges. I was thinking about your question again though too. And the other thing I think that a lot of guys—and maybe they touched on this, the volunteers—is a lot of guys in The Brotherhood are thinking about their legacy.
Doug Holt
Yeah, oh yeah.
Steve
And a lot of guys walked into this room this week thinking about their legacy. Okay, right? So—sort of that mid—we’re talking about 40s, approaching 50s—they start thinking about their legacy. Yeah. And “What’s my legacy going to be?” Right? And so we’re seeing that a lot, I think, in The Brotherhood. And that’s one of the reasons why guys want to volunteer—yeah—and come back, because they want to give back. Right? Their legacy is going to grow the more they give back.
Doug Holt 37:31
And you’re coming—you’re doing a servant leadership work out of a place of love. It’s the most selfish thing you can do, right? Because you get so much more in return. Yeah. And in the best of ways, right? I think selfishness has such a negative connotation. But, you know, I always say—if anybody’s telling you you’re being selfish, really what they’re saying is, “You’re not doing what I want you to do.” Right? That’s really what’s happening. “So you’re selfish.” Well—yeah, you’re taking care of self, yeah? And that’s an important thing.
Steve 37:59
Yeah. Yeah. And then—they do that, and then they realize, “Wait a second. I do this, and then I can have such a bigger impact.” Yep. On others. One of the guys—his vision coming out of this was to lead other men. Absolutely his literal vision coming out of this. And he’s a man that, right now, does not have any children.
Doug Holt
Yep. Exactly what you’re talking about.
Steve
And that can hold us back, for sure—this idea that we don’t have any children. Maybe for other reasons we won’t. Don’t know. But there are so many opportunities to leave a legacy. Yes. And so I think that’s a lot—I’m hearing that a lot with guys.
Doug Holt 38:42
That’s one of the top topics that’s coming up for an upcoming Brotherhood retreat—is the idea of legacy. That’s been kind of passed.
Steve 38:51
Well, then you’ve already figured it out. What other things do you want to know about our brothers?
Doug Holt 38:56
I want the people listening to know—I’m going to add on to what we were talking about earlier, the idea that guys come across as needy. Because I hear this a lot from the women—that guys coming across as needy is one of the most repulsing things. True. A woman described it to me—it’s like bear spray, right? You want to run from it because it’s nasty. And they can feel it from a long distance away. The neediness is also transactional. So if I’m being needy, and I start to change my behavior—if I’m being needy to you, Steve, and I want your love, admiration, appreciation of who I am—I’ll change my behavior to get it. I’m going to start getting you drinks, cleaning up, asking to carry your luggage. If I’m not doing that just because I care about Steve, then I’m doing it to get something in return. That’s where a disconnect happens in couples—with the little boy and little girl within the relationship. Now you have a woman—probably her little girl—who just wants to be loved and cherished for who she is, but now she’s getting a guy showing up in a way that’s not authentic, therefore not safe, and therefore repulsive.
Mark 40:12
Safety, I believe, is right at the base of all of this.
Doug Holt 40:15
Yes.
Mark 40:19
How do we build the connection where it’s not safe?
Doug Holt 40:22
Yeah, I don’t think you can. It’s really difficult. Safety’s got to be the ground floor. After that—men and women—but when we say men need to be seen, heard, and desired, a lot of guys miss that. They skip safety and go to desire. There are guys in our private community who’ve said their wife thinks that every time they initiate anything—hug, kiss—she starts protecting herself because she thinks it must lead to intimacy. They’ve skipped the safety, the being seen and heard part, and went straight to desire. It feels transactional. “This is all you’re here for.”
Steve 41:16
Yeah, and we as guys haven’t walked the world as women. When women walk the world, they feel a lot less safe than we do. We just don’t think of it because we haven’t had their lived experience. Until we become aware—until we need something or become needy—we start asking, “What’s going on here?” and start figuring that out. It’s huge.
Doug Holt 41:52
It is. I was at an event with about 10,000 people. The person running it asked, “Men, if you’ve felt scared for your life in the last six months, please stand.” A few stood. “Last three months?” Fewer stayed standing. “Since you’ve been here at the event?” No one. Then: “Women, if you’ve felt scared for your life in the last six months, please stand.” Every woman stood. “Three months?” A few sat down. “Last couple days at the event?” Hundreds still standing. And they were in a hotel, at a secure event. I talked to my wife and she said, “Oh yeah, I’m always looking over my shoulder. I can’t walk downtown at night like you can.” She said, “You’re looking for a pub or a store. I’m looking at every corner, every bush—wondering if someone’s going to jump out and hurt me.”
Steve 43:27
Yeah. My wife told me something recently that blew me away. We’ve been married 30 years, and still new things come up. When she was a young woman, dating between 16 and 20, it was so scary for her that she decided she would only date one guy. She’d go out with someone and suddenly they’d drive somewhere unexpected, expecting something she had no idea about. She felt unsafe, so she figured, “I’ll just date one guy—it’s safer.” Probably three guys before me. Good thing something didn’t work out with them. But that experience really shaped her. The story she told was shocking to me.
Doug Holt 44:37
One thing I hear time and time again from women is that emotional safety is even scarier than physical. The idea of being coerced or taken advantage of physically is horrifying—but emotional unsafety is often worse. And that’s what most married women are dealing with right now. My favorite line is: “If an intruder came into your home, would you save your family?” All the guys say, “Yes.” I say, “You’re lying. You’re the intruder and you haven’t done shit about it.” They don’t like that. You’ve probably heard me say that before. It’s a wake-up call. You’ve got to do something.
Steve
100%, yeah.
Doug Holt
So anyway, wrapping up the Alpha Reset—for these men going forward—I just want to thank you both for showing up the way you did. Nine men will be forever changed. I’ll add in the three volunteers—twelve men in total had life-changing experiences, according to them. How many people get to say they’ve changed twelve lives? I know you’ve both done this before, but don’t ever forget the impact you’re making. It’s easy to lose the significance when you do it often—I’ve done that. “Just another Alpha Reset. Check the box. Go home. Lives changed. Sign the paper.” But from the outside looking in—it’s amazing what you two have done here to lead these twelve men. So thank you.
Mark 46:38
Thank you, Doug.
Steve 46:39
Thank you, man.
Mark 46:43
We did a good job.
Doug Holt 46:44
You guys did a great job.
Mark 46:45
Just being reminded. Yeah, yeah, thank you. Yes, absolutely, gentlemen.
Doug Holt 46:50
As I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. You have two amazing examples of what powerful leadership and powerful men look like. They’ve given you some insights and some cues, and until next time, we’re going to let these guys rest. They’ve held space for these men for the last three to four days in such an amazing and impactful way.
If you’d like to experience something like that, just reach out to our team and let them know, and maybe you’ll have the benefit of working with Mark or Steve—or even both of them—at that time.
But either way, guys, do something. Do something to take action. Don’t stand in the messy middle. Do something that pushes yourself forward.
As I always say, it doesn’t have to be with TPM. I hope it is, because I’d love a chance to meet you guys. But if it’s not with TPM, do it someplace else—and just make sure you’re not living average and that you’re actually going after those bucket list items.
See you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
