Episode #1169
What is polarity, and why does it matter so much in a relationship?
In this episode of The TPM Show, Tim Matthews and Lawrence Davis break down what polarity really looks like in everyday life. It's not about being controlling or acting tough. It's about knowing who you are, being present, taking initiative, and creating a relationship where both people can thrive.
Lawrence shares how years of being the nice guy left him passive in his marriage and disconnected from himself. As he began taking more ownership of his life, making decisions, initiating conversations, and speaking up when something felt off, he discovered that leadership starts with self awareness, not control.
Tim and Lawrence also talk about why many men avoid difficult conversations, how passivity creates distance in a relationship, and why saying what you see can build trust instead of conflict. They explore the importance of having your own interests, staying engaged in your relationship, and finding a version of masculinity that feels authentic to you instead of copying someone else's approach.
If you've ever wondered how to create more connection, attraction, and emotional safety without becoming someone you're not, this conversation offers practical insights you can apply right away.
Ready to take the next step? Get the free training at https://thepowerfulman.com/scales and learn the proven framework that helps men rebuild connection, strengthen their relationships, and lead with confidence.
Hungry for more?
Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
Also listen on:
Tim Matthews 0:00
I want to talk about quality time.
Lawrence 0:02
The understanding of what quality time is is key.
Tim Matthews 0:05
Quality time usually has nothing to do with time.
Lawrence 0:07
What she's talking about is your presence.
Tim Matthews 0:10
She doesn't want more time with you. She wants more of your presence with her.
Lawrence 0:14
Intimacy being "into me see."
Tim Matthews 0:16
Quality time isn't measured in minutes; it's measured in attention.
Lawrence 0:20
Connect with my wife again.
Tim Matthews 0:21
Start making those small little deposits.
Lawrence 0:24
We've got to get used to being comfortable with discomfort.
Tim Matthews 0:26
Love is spelled T-I-M-E.
Lawrence 0:29
That's great.
Tim Matthews 0:41
Hey guys, welcome to another episode of The TPM Show. My name's Tim Matthews. I am your host, and I am joined by Mr. Lawrence "Wildcard" Davis.
Lawrence 0:52
Thanks, Tim. It's great to be here.
Tim Matthews 0:53
It is. It is. This is the third one that we're recording. I love the one on shame, and then I think you summed the last one up really well when you said, "Hey, we've gone right from shame all the way through to the enjoyment of being you." So maybe check out those last two episodes.
Okay, so I want to talk about quality time.
Lawrence 1:14
Okay.
Tim Matthews 1:16
So we often hear it, right, that men want sex, women want connection. Now, obviously, the way in which men feel connected typically is through the physical, usually. And the way in which women feel connected is usually via the emotional, which typically comes through time.
And for most women now—bell-shaped curve, I get there's women out there that this doesn't apply to—but in my experience with guys in the movement, the vast majority of their wives, their love language usually is quality time and acts of service. Would you agree?
Lawrence 2:02
Yes, 100%.
Tim Matthews 2:04
And I think oftentimes guys struggle to hit the quality time piece on the head. Would you agree?
Lawrence 2:16
Yes, I think the understanding of what quality time is is key.
Tim Matthews 2:24
Exactly. I was about to ask, why do you think that is? So, in your opinion, why do you think guys struggle to achieve the quality time piece?
Lawrence 2:35
I think because when your wife or partner says, "I really value quality time," if you've had that conversation, then that big question mark of, "Well, what does quality time mean to you?" can loom large. And I think people... I certainly have had an experience where my mind goes blank. I start to think, "Well, what does that mean? How can I do that?"
And for me, the concept of quality time is: "Right, well, what she wants me to do is sit there and stare into her eyes and have nothing else around." And that to me feels alien and vulnerable and something that we're going to need to apportion time to. And I need to work that out, and I have to have a plan of how I'm going to do that, and how do I fit that in, and is that going to... you know, that doesn't really give me anything.
So you get into your head, and you go round and round in circles about how you're going to deliver this deliverable output of quality time, and we don't realize that what she's talking about is your presence.
Tim Matthews 3:38
Exactly what I was about to say. Quality time usually has nothing to do with time. She doesn't want more time with you; she wants more of your presence with her.
And one of the mistakes I think a lot of guys fall into is scheduling more time. But it's not about proximity. It's not about being close to her in those moments; it's about the quality of the presence that you bring.
We talk a lot about being the CFO, right? The Chief Phone Officer. Scheduling undisturbed quality time—so phones away, whatever it may be—is a really good idea. However, if in that quality time the presence that you are bringing to it is poor... let's say you're distracted and you're thinking about work or whatever it may be, or you're tired.
And look, this may happen at times, which if it does, and that's the exception and not the norm, I think it'll be okay. You'll get a bit of a pass on that one. However, if that's the norm, and the exception is that you bring a playful presence that's engaged and is curious and initiates the things that we've said on the last episode, then it's not going to go too well if you don't bring that kind of energy.
But like I said, I think given the importance of quality time for a lot of the men's wives, and also for the relationship too—because it's not just about it being important for the wife; it's important for the relationship that you guys spend quality time together—that doesn't have to mean more hours in the calendar. It doesn't have to mean more scheduling and more effort. It just means more foresight about the presence you're going to bring.
Lawrence 5:35
I think that's really key. My mind wandered a bit then because I actually felt like a lot of the women... or the guys that describe their women's needs, they do talk about quality time, and the guys overwhelmingly say their need is touch: "I want to be touched" and stuff.
And we're having some quality time now sitting here with cameras on us, but actually, the conversations we've had have been really deep and quality. It's been quality time. But if I ask you now to get a fist pump, the touch there or the kind of grab in the hand, that would add something to that.
And if it was a woman, it would just be holding her hand. You can have your need met as well for the touch, and it's not just about you receiving that need, but that amplifies that quality time and that presence. Because I've had better quality time with a woman by just a touch, just a hand around the back of the neck, and I look into her eyes and I walk away. That can speak... can give more in terms of understanding that she's been seen, that we've experienced a connection, than an hour sitting on the sofa talking about stuff.
So you're right. It's not about time. It's about consistently bringing your presence to where it is. It doesn't have to be all the time, but consistently bringing presence.
Tim Matthews 7:09
I mean, look, it's the idea that quality time isn't measured in minutes; it's measured in attention, right? The quality of the attention that you bring.
And if you were to have five minutes where you just say to, let's say, your wife or your partner, "Hey, I've made you a coffee. Let's just go sit down outside, away from the kids. Tell me what's going on." If you were to just do that, 5–10 minutes, just sit there, that would have such a meaningful impact on her, because it shows her that you're attuned to something going on. If there is, right?
If there isn't, it can take on a different tone: "Tell me what's going on." You've initiated it, you've shown her that she's a priority to you. You have carved out the energetic space to be completely present in that moment.
I would argue that that would potentially have more of an impact than planning some sophisticated date night where you—I don't know—plan this perfect date where you go off for three hours. It's in that moment where she feels completely seen by you that it's going to really... you know. Doug talks about this idea: "him and her" in love tank. How full is your love tank, right?
You grabbing her for that coffee, initiating in that moment, is going to make a way bigger deposit in the relational bank account than, like I said, planning that three-hour-long date night.
Lawrence 8:47
What you just described is foreplay.
Tim Matthews 8:50
Exactly, you know.
Lawrence 8:52
Carving out that space. You talk presence and energy. You bring it into that space. You sit down, and you're just there, present with her for that moment.
I mean, I'm getting quite hot thinking about that. That is absolute catnip.
Tim Matthews 9:07
Eye contact.
Lawrence 9:08
Yep.
Tim Matthews 9:09
No phone.
Lawrence 9:10
Nope.
Tim Matthews 9:12
Completely present, tuned in.
Lawrence 9:14
Yep.
Tim Matthews 9:16
Listening to what she's got to say, connecting into her, interested in what she's saying, asking questions, validating.
Lawrence 9:24
Not being attached to an outcome.
Tim Matthews 9:26
Not being attached to an outcome is huge. I mean, this is the kind of thing that happens when a couple gets together. There's all that curiosity: "Tell me about you. Oh, really? You did that? When did you do that? Wow, that must have been such a great experience. Oh, you went skydiving." There's so much engagement that goes on, right?
Lawrence 9:45
But likewise, you could be in a relationship for 10, 15, 20 years, and you could sit down and have that five-minute conversation, and she says how her day's been, and you had no idea that actually she'd met Barbara at the hairdresser's, and Barbara had just split up with her husband, and that was making her question her relationship, and blah blah blah, and she'd had this, you know...
And because you've carved out that time, you get to hear her insecurity about that or whatever it is, because she's living her different life. And otherwise, you just assume that you know everything about your woman just because of the time you've spent with her. And actually, just being aware that she is another individual person—she's having her own experiences in the world—and checking in on that, it doesn't have to be a new relationship.
Tim Matthews 10:26
I think two of the issues that guys face taking this approach with quality time:
One is, "Well, you know, she won't open up to me when I ask questions." Well, she won't open up to you because you haven't asked questions for a long time, so this is weird.
Lawrence 10:41
And the moments between, or the time between you asking questions, is too long. So you need to ease her into it.
You could still grab the coffee, for example, and say, "Let's go outside. Tell me what's going on."
"Oh, nothing. Everything's fine."
"What do you mean by fine?" Get curious. Ask open-ended questions, and if you stick with it, you show genuine interest. Because in that moment, there could be a test as well.
Lawrence 11:07
Yes.
Tim Matthews 11:08
"Well, if I just stay shut down, is he going to persist with me? Does he really want to know how I'm doing? Is he really that bothered?"
And as you stay with it and you show her that you are bothered and you genuinely do care—be it, like I said, the eye contact, the body language, open posture, looking at her, facing her—she's more than likely going to start to open up.
And even if she doesn't, ask her, "Hey, what's going on right now? Why don't you want to open up?"
Lawrence 11:38
That's the thing, isn't it? It's like you're in the middle of this conversation, she's not really opening up, so you open up: "Well, I had a really good day today. I did this, this, and this," you know, and then allow her to have an opinion about your day or what she thinks, and then leave it. "It was a great chat," and then come back again and do it again the next day.
So it doesn't turn into an interrogation: "Well, you say fine, what do you mean fine?" And then she starts feeling like... well, it is weird when you first start doing it. They're like, "Really, this is really odd. Why are you doing this? What's going on?"
Especially if you just joined TPM—it's like one of these weird guys trying to teach you to do it, and it's been years since you paid her any attention. So why now? What's going on?
That's the key: the attention you were coached to give.
Tim Matthews 12:25
"Do you want to do this, or have you been held accountable to do this? Are you checking a box, or are you really here with me? Do you genuinely care, or are you just trying to get something?"
Lawrence 12:38
Yeah.
Tim Matthews 12:39
It's so key. But that word, "attention." Quality time—and I've said it before, but it's so key—it's not measured in minutes; it's measured in attention. And it doesn't need to be this big thing. It doesn't need to be a huge act.
You hear a lot of people struggle to come up with ideas or say they're too busy or whatever it may be. It could just be a thoughtful little voice note in the day: "Hey, thinking of you. Just wanted to check in," whatever you may say. "Hey, this happened today. Reminded me of you," or "reminded me when we did this" or "we did that." Whatever it may be.
There's all these little ways in which, really, you just tell her, "Hey, I'm thinking about you. You're on my mind. I've got you. I'm here."
Lawrence 13:27
Twenty years ago, that could have been an excuse: "I'm struggling for a date night idea." Now you've got the internet and about a zillion different resources that you can pick from if you're conscious and aware enough. There's 1,000,001 date nights. There's 1,000,001 things you can do to send her a little text.
Doug Holt 13:43
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I'm sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what's broken—and not only need to know what's broken, but a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That's the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you're going to be toiling with things.
That's why I created a free training—a training that not only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have, to how you get it back. How do you retain that? Where your wife's looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said "I do."
You know, I don't know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I'm her man, I feel like I can conquer the world, and I want that for you. Simply go over to thepowerfulman.com/scales. That's thepowerfulman.com/scales, and I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates for you. Now back to the podcast.
Lawrence 14:45
There's even an app now that will help you to draft your text so you don't sound so sappy, you know. And I've not used it myself, because I don't need to. Obviously, I'm so good at texting! But there is, you know... there's help out there if you're struggling, if you want some ideas. There's absolutely no excuse. And like you said, it could just be a one-line text, just checking in: "Hope you're having a great day." Whatever it is.
Tim Matthews 15:10
Just start super small, because let's say you're trying to plan a date night and she's resisting it—which she probably will if you've not been on a date for a while and you've got busy lives and young kids, or just kids in general, and the idea of her getting ready... that whole thing can just feel like too big of a jump from where you might be today.
But I tell you what, if you start making those small little deposits—could be daily, every other day, whatever it may be—it's easy to make small deposits daily. That can be done.
Lawrence 15:44
And if a big date is too much, take a picnic blanket, go out onto the back lawn, make some sandwiches or whatever, and say, "I'm inviting you out for a bit of lunch."
And if she says, "Oh no, I'm too busy," say, "Well, I've prepared lunch."
And if she says, "Oh, I'm not interested, I'm too busy," go out and have lunch on your own on the thing and enjoy the sunshine.
Tim Matthews 16:03
The key with this is like start small, right? Kind of the shame piece. Start small, because as soon as you start to make these regular deposits—and again, she knows that you genuinely are doing it for the right reasons, not to get something—then the likelihood of her wanting to go on a date with you is going to increase exponentially.
And also, if you're doing these little small things, it makes a date more fun. Because the date then doesn't become this thing where you have some heavy cloud lurking in the background where, you know, there's kind of things that haven't been spoken about that need to be spoken about. So you can go and have some fun and all the rest of it. You're having those moments where you just—to your point—foreplay. You're just making those regular, consistent deposits, which means when the date happens, it can be a lot more light. It can be a lot more fun. Those things hanging over your head have either lessened or gone away.
Lawrence 17:05
And I think the other thing is, once you've had a date, it's probably a good idea... and again, it's just come into my head. But what about this? You have a date Friday night. The date goes really well, or the date goes badly, or however the date goes. Next Tuesday, you check in: "Hey, how you doing? Just want to... should we have a check-in? Sit down for 10 minutes. How did you feel about the date? How did you feel it went?"
"Oh, I really enjoyed it."
"Oh, it was really unusual that we went to..." or "I didn't really enjoy it, because I felt like I was really uneasy, and I wasn't sure what your motivations were."
Brilliant! All of this is knowledge and information for you. You can have those kind of difficult things: "Well, the reason why I felt a bit awkward about the date is because we haven't been on one for so long, da da da," you know, and you can have a conversation about that, and you can become curious again. Then you can plan the next date and say, "Well, how about next time we take it a bit more easy, and we go and do this?"
"Oh, that's a great idea! I'd love to do that."
"What kind of date would you really like?"
And you can build that up. So the combination of small things and check-ins, seeing how that landed with her, another small thing... and then you can co-create your dynamic, your relationship along those lines, and see what she likes, and also check in with what you like as well. "I wouldn't be that keen on doing that, but I might be keen on doing this"—giving her the understanding that you have needs and wants as well.
Tim Matthews 18:29
And ebb and flow, right? Do something she wants one time, or something you might not want to do, but you'll try it, and vice versa.
I saw a meme recently, and it was a little picture of a father and son, and it said something to the effect of: "To a child, love is spelled T-I-M-E."
Lawrence 18:54
Wow!
Tim Matthews 18:56
I love that. To a child, essentially, time is love. And I think to a woman, it's the same. I think love is spelled T-I-M-E.
Lawrence 19:07
That's great.
Tim Matthews 19:07
Time, and giving the attention, and showing the interest, and being there.
And in those moments—again, I'll just keep using this coffee, because I think it's such a really easy thing to do, and a very effective and powerful thing to do—take talking about logistics off the table. And if she tries to make it about logistics, "Oh, we need to do this for the kids," just hold: "Hey, right now I want to find out about you and how you're doing. We can talk about and handle logistics soon. Right now, I'm here for you."
It's just, like I said, so powerful to sit... even, you know, let's take the relationship dynamic aside. Just have another human being sit you down and say to you, look you in the eye, have an open posture with you, and genuinely care about how you are doing, and look into your eyes, and you get the sense that they see you, and they feel you, and they connect to you. I mean, that's just huge. In that moment, you know you're not alone. In that moment, you feel seen. In that moment, there's genuine human connection.
It just does so much for us as human beings, let alone the person that you're choosing to be with, the person that you're sharing your highs and your lows with, the person where complacency could be so easy to creep in. Yet you choose to cut through that in this moment and take a moment to pause, sit, and just be.
Lawrence 20:59
We had a conversation a few podcasts ago about us needing interpersonal connection, you know, people being put into solitary confinement and going mad because they didn't have interpersonal connection. And what you've just described there is... and again, it reminded me of intimacy being "into me see"—into me you see. Into me you see. That is what that is.
It's a highly intimate moment where you've got the opportunity to be intimate with a person. And if you haven't done it for a while, it does feel really awkward, and it is alien.
Tim Matthews 21:42
Call that out, though. "Hey, I know this is... I know this is a bit weird, but hey, I want you to come outside and just sit with me. I want to..." Just leave it: "I want you to come outside and sit with me." But just call that weirdness out. Talk about the weirdness.
Lawrence 21:57
I did that in my previous relationship, and she was very suspicious about what I was doing and why I was doing it. And we had a reasonable, you know, just a bit of time together.
And it was a day or two later when she came back to me and went, "I'm amazed. I was blown away."
At the time, I felt like I was making her feel awkward, and in that people-pleasey way that I don't want to rock the boat, I didn't want to make her feel awkward, but I pushed through because I felt like this was an important thing to do: to break the ice and really connect with my wife again.
And so I did, and it felt horrible to me because I was like, "This feels really awkward. She feels really uncomfortable." But as we eased into the conversation, it was a nice conversation. It was okay, and I left that conversation saying, "Well, this has been really nice. I'm glad we did this. Let's make sure we do this more often."
And then a day or two later, she'd reflected on it. She'd gone away, she'd reflect on it: "Wow. A, you took the initiative to do it. B, I felt really seen in that moment, and it was great."
And I think, wow, you know, it took two days to process, but it was really, really important to do, because her love language was quality time.
Tim Matthews 23:17
Well, I mean, it often is, you know. In order for a woman to want to have sex with the guy she's with, she's got to feel... typically, anyway, has to feel connected to him. And that comes with the attention, the presence, and thus, therefore, the safety.
It's like I said: I just hope that the guys listening to this take this to heart and give this a try. I'm trying to think of a situation where this could not be very good, but I can't think of that many. Even if the relationship is really struggling and you might be worried... I mean, I guess the only scenario might be let's say you've only got 10 minutes, and you might be worried that, "Hey, I'm going to sit her down for 10 minutes, maybe she's going to bring something up that is going to take more than 10 minutes to talk about."
In which case, you just need to set some parameters. Say that at the beginning: "Hey, come and sit down. I've got 10 minutes. I'd love to just be with you."
And let's say she starts opening up, the key there is just say, "Hey, look, I'd love to stay here and keep talking. I do have to go in a couple of minutes." Don't just say, "I have to go now." Give her a bit of a warning: "In two minutes' time, I do have to go in a couple of minutes, but I do want to continue this conversation. Want to hear the rest of what you've got to say. So once we put the kids to bed tonight..." Give her a time. Make sure you have a set time as to when you'd then continue the conversation, so it's not an open loop.
Here is the cleaned-up transcript with fillers removed, sentence structures strictly preserved, punctuation/capitalization corrected, and paragraph breaks added where helpful:
Lawrence 25:06
And importantly, have that extra... don't say it and then forget about getting sidetracked.
Tim Matthews 25:13
You got to follow through. But apart from that, I'm trying to think of what else could potentially be a bad situation for a guy to do this in. I really can't think of that many.
Lawrence 25:25
No, I think, like you say, if you think through what you're hoping to achieve, and don't get connected to the outcome, and just go ahead and do it... I can't think of a... if you do it right, and as you say, if it's a time restriction or whatever, you say that up front, you clarify afterwards... I can't think of a single time where this wouldn't be a good thing.
Even if your wife isn't that into quality time, she's still going to feel seen, and she's still going to feel like there's been a moment of intimacy, a moment of connection. And if her love language is more edged towards kind of touch, then make sure touch is included in that quality time. Hold hands together, or, you know, look into her eyes. And if she's more of an energetic, allow her to feel you.
But do something, because there's no downside to that—apart from, if it's been a long time, it might feel a bit awkward to you. But then hey, we've got to get used to being comfortable with discomfort. You know, if you want to break... if you're sick of the cycle that's going on right now, then something has to change.
And maybe this could be one thing that helps to move you from... because a lot of guys will say, "Well, you know, I see these other guys doing really well in the movement, and they're really having breakthroughs in that. But my situation is that I'm so mired in this, and we're on the edge of divorce," or, "we're in a difficult place, and that wouldn't work for me."
Something like this, where you can just implement a small thing that's going to feel a little bit weird to start with, but is going to pay off massively in terms of actually connecting with her again—not getting an outcome, but in terms of connecting with her again and just allowing some of that mud to be wiped off the glass, that ice to be broken... there's no downside to that. It's something that you can do, and you don't lose anything by doing it, and you could gain a huge amount.
Tim Matthews 27:26
Love it. So, guys, if you're listening to this and you are in the TPM app and in the private community, I challenge you over the next seven days, should you accept the challenge, to go ahead and do this little mini coffee break, if you will, at least once over the next seven days.
And if you're in the app, let me know how it goes. Okay? Post a selfie or a picture... well, in fact, don't post a selfie, don't post a picture, because then she'll think you're doing it for that reason. But let me know how it goes. Shoot me a DM or put a post in there, because I would love to hear from you guys.
And if you're just listening to this elsewhere—YouTube, Spotify, whatever it may be—then either way, let us know. Send an email in to VIP@thepowerfulman.com. That's Very Important Person, VIP@thepowerfulman.com. Let me know how it goes.
And again, Lawrence, thank you so much.
Lawrence 28:23
Thank you. It's been great.
Tim Matthews 28:24
I think you hit the nail on the head. Great wisdom. Hopefully, you take a lot of value from this, guys. And we'll see you next time on The TPM Show.