Episode #1178
Many high-performing businessmen reach a point in their marriage where they expect deep physical intimacy and emotional closeness, yet find themselves facing distance. When evaluating the relationship, a common disconnect emerges: a man's inputs into his marriage nowhere near match his desired outputs. It is akin to standing at the starting line of an Ironman triathlon expecting to perform at an elite level despite only training once a week. While men dedicate immense time and discipline to their businesses, fitness schedules, and personal hobbies, they often give their marriage only leftover energy, expecting maximum relational profit from minimal intentional preparation.
To resolve this imbalance, a husband must move away from transactional scorekeeping and align his daily habits with relational standards. In this practical conversation, Tim Matthews and Lawrence walk through actionable diagnostic exercises designed to help men audit their calendars and identify where their time actually goes. By looking closely at the past two weeks, men often discover that most time spent with their partner falls into accidental co-existence or functional logistics rather than deliberate connection. This is why learning to invest in your relationship consistently matters rather than waiting until the marriage is already under pressure.
The episode introduces core frameworks for building sustainable intimacy:
The Three Quality Time Buckets: Categorizing relationship time into accidental time (scrolling or watching TV side-by-side), functional time (handling chores and logistics), and chosen time (deliberate, phone-free, high-presence engagement).
The Three Types of Quality Time: Balancing soft connection time (low stimulation, high presence), play and novelty time (shared adventures and fun), and intimate reconnection time (deep emotional check-ins).
The Quality Time Pyramid: Building connection across four structured levels, moving from daily micro-commitments to weekly chosen blocks, monthly novel experiences, and quarterly deeper resets.
The CHOSEN Framework: Practical steps to Calendar connection, Hold the frame, Open attention, Strip the agenda, Energize with novelty, and Notice what works.
By approaching relationship habits as an ongoing standard of identity rather than a temporary project to extract sex, a man can build a genuine body of proof in his calendar. Consistently stocking the emotional bank account ensures the relationship remains resilient, grounded, and deeply connected. It also helps prevent unmet expectations in marriage from quietly turning into frustration, resentment, and disconnection.
00:00 - Introduction and Episode Overview
02:11 - The Ironman Metaphor: Inputs vs. Outputs in Marriage
05:09 - The Knowledge Gap for High-Performing Men
07:05 - The 14-Day Calendar Audit Exercise
08:35 - Accidental vs. Functional vs. Chosen Time
09:55 - Presence vs. Proximity and Emotional Texture
12:23 - The Three Types of Quality Time
15:08 - Stoking the Fire: Avoiding Zero-to-60 Expectations
17:05 - Identity and Standards: Building a Body of Proof
21:08 - Real-World Example: Structuring Check-Ins and Dates
28:17 - Stacking Positive Experiences in the Emotional Bank Account
30:21 - The Quality Time Pyramid: Daily, Weekly, Monthly, Quarterly
32:45 - Six Guidelines for High-Quality Connection
34:30 - The 3-2-1 Weekly Review Checklist
35:08 - The CHOSEN Framework Breakdown
38:53 - Key Takeaways and Free Quality Time Guide CTA
Unlocking the Power of Attention: The #1 Secret to Deepening Your Connection with Your Wife
It means you are expecting a high level of intimacy, trust, and connection from your wife without investing the necessary intentional time, presence, and emotional energy required to build those outcomes. Like expecting to finish a marathon without training, expecting deep intimacy without regular relational inputs creates frustration and unmet expectations.
Accidental time is time spent in proximity without intentional focus, such as watching TV or scrolling on phones together. Functional time revolves around running the household, managing schedules, and handling chores. Chosen time is deliberate, distraction-free quality time where your partner feels fully prioritized and focused on.
Relationships require soft connection time (low-stimulation, high-presence moments like drinking coffee together), play and novelty time (fun, adventurously led experiences), and intimate reconnection time (deep emotional conversations and check-ins).
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Tim Matthews 0:00
Do your inputs match your outputs?
Lawrence 0:02
It would still be a push, but I would be able to do it, and I was confident that I'd be able to do it. But...
Tim Matthews 0:06
Their inputs nowhere near match the desired output.
Lawrence 0:12
These are the reps you need to be putting in. This is the way you need to be working out.
Tim Matthews 0:15
This is about presence. It's not about proximity. Hey, I'm sat beside you.
Lawrence 0:18
I am prepared. I've put the yards in.
Tim Matthews 0:21
Low stimulation, low agenda, high presence.
Lawrence 0:25
It's like alchemy. You're creating something out of nothing.
Tim Matthews 0:27
This is my standard as a partner. This is my standard as a lover.
Hey, guys, thanks for tuning in to the TPM Show. If you're anything like me, you are super busy. You want to know what you're going to get out of an episode before you watch it. So, in this episode, we're going to dive into inputs versus outputs, and I'm going to take you through a series of exercises.
This is a practical episode where, if you want to follow along, you can sit down, get your journal out, whatever it may be, and do some of the actual exercises that I'm going to be walking Lawrence through. Things like the chosen framework, the three types of quality time, the calendar audit. All of these things help you to align your inputs so you can get the output.
We talk a lot about how do you want to, how do you want to feel on the start line of a triathlon? We use that. We dive into that metaphor, and I think when you hear that, it's going to give you a different way to look at your relationship, so you can align your inputs to your outputs, so you can lower the stress, make it easier, and get more of what you want. We'll see you inside.
Hey, guys, welcome to another episode of the TPM Show. I'm your host, Tim Matthews, with Wildcard. I'm trying to get through this intro fast so he doesn't delete anything from his calendar because we're about to go something through something really fun. It's going to be quite revealing, and he is a wonderful subject who is ever willing to go in the hot seat and reveal all, isn't that right, Wildcat?
Lawrence 2:03
Absolutely right. I am. I'm. Thank you for asking permission for this. That's really good. Good, I appreciate it. You're very willing, more than willing.
Tim Matthews 2:11
Fantastic. So we kind of touched on this on the last episode, but I want to go deeper on it. It's this idea versus, well, the idea of, do your inputs match your outputs?
So let's think about health, for example. Right, super easy one. Let's say you want to get in shape. So the output is you want to be a particular body fat, or you want to look a certain way, or whatever it may be.
If you think about the guys in the movement, we've got guys who have gone into natural bodybuilding competitions, who've just cut body fat, who have competed in sporting events, Ironmans, all sorts. So whatever the health goal is, let's say that is the output that you desire.
Let's use the Ironman, for example, right? So you get to the day of the race. Are you laughing? No, you're going to do an Ironman.
Lawrence 3:11
No, definitely not.
Tim Matthews 3:13
We'll see at the end of this. So you get to the day of the race. How do you want to feel as you line up at that start line?
Lawrence 3:25
Prepare.
Tim Matthews 3:26
Perfect. What would that mean in that moment to you?
Lawrence 3:29
It would mean that I felt that I had done enough training to be able to. It would still be a push, but I would be able to do it, and I was confident that I'd be able to do it. Confidence.
Tim Matthews 3:41
Perfect. Would you stand at that start line expecting to finish it if you hadn't stuck to your training program? Let me be more specific. If you had only trained once a week, if you hadn't dialed in your diet, if you'd not even considered your sleep or recovery, like, how would you feel standing at that starting line, and what would the output be that you would be expecting?
Lawrence 4:11
Well, the reality is, I probably wouldn't even be on the start line because I, I wouldn't, I would know that I was not gonna, it was gonna be hell, and that I, I wouldn't achieve it, and I'd, I'd run away from the failure probably. I wouldn't want to fail.
Tim Matthews 4:26
So this is what a lot of the guys do in the marriage. They have an output that they think they want: sex, intimacy, but their inputs nowhere near match the desired output. So they're at the start line, having not done the training, having not made the deposits in the emotional bank account, whatever it may be, and they're about to run the race, and they expect to finish, yet they've barely done any of the prep.
So there's an issue here. I mean, do you see this with the guys?
Lawrence 5:09
I think a lot of the guys. Well, I think all of us. I, every person I've spoken to didn't know what the preparation was until they joined the movement. They didn't understand where they were.
You know, they, they thought that being a leader in business was building themselves up into this great man, but no one actually sits you down like the movement does and says, actually, this is what you need to be doing. This is what, you know. These are the reps you need to be putting in. This is the way you need to be working out.
This is, you know, the, the regular contact with the wife, the, the qualities of time, the, you know, the, the, the lack of, I was going to say lack of codependency, but you know what I mean, the interdependency that you're being yourself, all of those things.
I think the guys in the movement would, would be standing on that line thinking they've got a good chance of succeeding, not realizing that they hadn't been, you know, that they'd been, they were going to do an Ironman, but they'd been training for a swim meet.
Tim Matthews 6:05
Do you know what? I think you've, you've said something that's brought up a distinction for me. I think a guy coming into the movement versus a guy that's been in the movement for a year, two years, three years. I think knowing the guys that I know in the movement have been in it for a while, I think their outputs do match their, sorry, their inputs do match the output.
And whether that output, they lower their expectation because they know they're not willing to make the input, or they keep the expect, the output expectation high, and they do the inputs. I think they have an alignment. I think that's probably one of the biggest words I'd, phrases I'd use to describe it: alignment. Are the expectations you have around your outputs and your impact aligned?
Lawrence 6:49
Right.
Tim Matthews 6:49
Are they proportionate? And I think for a lot of the guys in the movement, they are. For guys coming into the movement, I don't think they are. And I, I think it's because, to your point, there's such a knowledge gap.
They have been fed a lie by society that, well, if I do these things, if I make these inputs, work hard, make money, whatever it may be, then I will get this output. And then when they don't get the output, they don't understand. What is this? I don't get it. I've done everything right. And to be fair, even some of the guys in the movement can fall into that trap as well, right? For various reasons.
So, I'd like you to take out your calendar, please. Now, there's a little caveat to this because you are in a dating relationship right now. It's a little different. However, if you are watching this on YouTube or you're in a place where you can kind of sit down, then by all means, please follow along.
So the first thing that we're going to do is open up your calendar and look at the past 14 days. Now, as we look at the past 14 days, what I would like you to do, Lawrence, is identify how much time has been deliberately set aside for connection, and how much of it has been planned, how much of it has been accidental, and how much of it has been squeezed into the leftovers.
As you're doing this, you're also going to consider how much of it has been genuinely phone-free, and also how much of it has been kind of novel. So just have a look through your calendar.
If you are listening or watching, you're doing this, and by all means, feel free to pause it and come back when you're ready to crack on. But as you're looking at your time and taking stock of it for the past 14 days, however you want to do this, you could, you know, write down the number of hours or do a rough calculation of percentage, whatever it may be.
You're going to start to look at how that time essentially groups into three buckets: accidental time. So that would be time where you are technically together with the woman you're with, but nobody has really chosen it. So you could be watching TV, being in the kitchen at the same time, scrolling next to each other, whatever it may be. It's accidental time.
The second bucket is functional time. This is logistics time spent, admin, house stuff, all, all of that kind of stuff. A lot of guys will think that this is relationship time because it's time spent together communicating, but it's, it's not. It's logistical time, right? So that's functional time.
The third bucket is chosen time. Now, this is the, this is the gold one. This is the, the magic bucket, if you will. This is time where the woman you have with feels chosen because you made it about her, so she thinks, you've thought about me. You wanted this. You are here with me. There's no phones. There's complete presence. There's high presence. There's low pressure. It's just engaged. It's just there.
Now, as you consider this and you look at how much time goes into each of these three buckets, I then want you to consider what is the emotional texture of the quality time. Who are you being when you enter into that time? Are you coming with an expectation? Are you coming with a sex spectation where you are trying to get something, get sex? Are you trying to avoid conflict in that time? Are you trying to keep score? Are you coming with an agenda?
Like, what is the emotional context? Because what a lot of people will do is they will give the gift of quality time, and if there's resentments and things in the relationship, they'll give the gift an invoice for it later.
Lawrence 11:15
That's a great way of putting it.
Tim Matthews 11:17
And that's not the way to go about it, especially if you want the person you're with to feel chosen and not just like some habitual thing that you do. And obviously, the story in the woman's head, for the most part, is, well, if it was good enough in the beginning, why is it not good enough now?
Because oftentimes, when you've been with somebody for a while, one of the things that the guys can often say is, "Well, it's a little bit boring. I don't just want to sit down. I want to do something. It needs to be more exciting." Well, it can be, but there also needs to be time when you do just sit, and she does feel chosen, and the phones are away, and you've cut out the distractions, whether that's the kids, work, whatever it may be, and you have to consider who are you going to be as you enter into this space with her.
Become intentional about it, and within that, the emotional texture of that time is going to change. It's going to shift. It's going to improve, and she feels it. This is about presence. It's not about proximity. Hey, I'm sat beside you. It's about presence, the quality, the presence that you're going to bring, right?
Now, ultimately, there are three types of quality time, and I delivered this as a training on the monthly pack call last month, I think, and then went through this with the guys in the Inner Circle as well. So, three types of quality time.
So at this point, you've looked at your calendar, the past 14 days. The other bit I should have asked you to do is the next 14 days. So how much time do you have planned in? You've now started to bucket that time into, or categorize that time into three buckets: one which was accidental, the other was functional, and the third was chosen. That's where it's a lot more intentional.
And now, going to talk about the three types of quality time. The first one is soft connection time, and that's where it is essentially low stimulation, low agenda, high presence. So that could be sitting on the sofa together, right? Could be having a coffee. It could be going for a walk. It could be, it's soft connection time. Low stimulation, low agenda, high presence.
This is the one that a lot of high-achieving men struggle with, right? Because they get restless and the mind starts to wander and not the need to have an outcome attached to it, right?
Lawrence 13:50
The next one is play and novelty time, right? This one you're very good at. This is where there's fun, adventure, newness, and energy. This is where you can bring in anticipation as well. There's lots you can do with this. The skill here is in leading the experience.
Now, if you've got enough of the soft connection time, and you are choosing her, there's, there's good, there's high presence in those moments. It makes the play and novelty time much more likely and much easier, right?
A mistake I think a lot of the guys make when, let's say, we go back to the top of this episode, the output being sex. They're trying to get something, get an output. When I'll use a metaphor of the fire, right? From the last episode, the fire's gone out, and they're wanting a roaring fire. They've stopped tending to the fire, and essentially trying to go from zero to 60 in two seconds. Right, never going to happen.
You got to keep stoking that fire, slow simmer. That's what the soft connection time does. And that soft simmer where she feels chosen, and there's play and novelty as well. That adds a little more fuel to the fire. It takes on a little bit of a bigger, a bigger roar, kicks off more heat.
And then the third type is intimate reconnection time. So this one would be where it's deeper emotional intimacy, a weekly check-in, a bath together, a slow dinner with deeper questions. The key here is the emotional courage. Having the emotional courage to lead that kind of quality time and to create the space where she can soften and open, and, you know, you can get curious and ask questions and, and just be real and open and soft.
So again, the, the big masculine blind spot here for most guys is story in the woman's mind is, well, if it was good enough in the beginning, why is he not good enough now? Why do I have to be doing something? Why can't he just be with me? Am I not good enough for him to choose me? And I'm not. Am I not interesting enough?
So the guy has to be able to let go of the distractions, make sure he's been intentional about who, who he's going to be in the space with her, and this is an example. Everything we're talking about here, when we talk about matching your inputs to your outputs, when you look at your calendar and you consider how much quality time is chosen versus accidental or functional, and you look at the next 14 days and you consider how much chosen time is planned and what does it fall into? Play and novelty? Does it fall into deeper connection? Does it fall into the low stimulation time? That soft connection time
If you have these inputs and they are done consistently, because the other issue, the other trap, is if you do these with an, an outcome in mind, I'm going to do this because I want this particular thing, sex. Right. The issue with that is you're going to stop doing it the moment you don't get the thing.
The other mistake a lot of guys make is they leave too much space between these moments of connect, of quality time, far too much space, weeks, which goes back to the idea, the idea of the fire going out, right? Not stoking the fire.
You get to do this not because you want a particular output, but you get to do it because this is who you are. This is your standard. Be, do, have. This is my standard as a partner. This is my standard as a lover. This is how I want to be for me because I enjoy being this way. And again, this is my standard.
Go back to the start line at the triathlon. You line up at the start line. By that point, you've gone through all the training. Your identity's changed. You don't see yourself the way you saw yourself 12 months prior. You've had consistent inputs over that time. You see yourself as a triathlete, regardless of, of where you finish the race or whatever. You see yourself as a triathlete.
You can see yourself as a lover, a great partner, whatever kind of word you want to put to that identity. But you can see yourself that way because you've got evidence. You can look back in your calendar, and you can see that you've been doing these things consistently. You have a body of proof to say, "See, this is how I show up." And when you do this, your inputs become way more aligned to the outputs that you're expecting.
Lawrence 18:53
So, what did your calendar say?
Lawrence 18:55
Okay. Can you just go over the three things, the three types of quality time again? Just the titles.
Tim Matthews 19:01
Do you mean the three buckets? Okay, you got soft connection time.
Lawrence 19:06
Soft connection, yes.
Tim Matthews 19:08
You have got play and novelty time. So soft connection is low stimulation, low agenda. That's where it's high presence, low stimulation, low agenda, high presence.
And then you have got play and novelty. This is where, well, it's novel things. Trying a new restaurant, a surprise date, whatever it may be. The skill here is leading the experience.
And then the third one is intimate reconnection time. That's where, again, it's deeper emotional intimacy. So it could be low stimulation, low agenda, because you could have a bath together, could do a check-in, whatever. The tone of that is deeper emotional intimacy, and the skill there really is you having the emotional courage to lead it, to step into that space.
Doug Holt 20:06
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That's why I created a free training, a training that not only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have, to how you get it back. How do you retain that? Where your wife's looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said, "I do," you know.
I don't know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I'm her man, that I feel like I can conquer the world, and I want that for you. Simply go over to thepowerfulman.com/scales. That's thepowerfulman.com/scales, and I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates for you. Now back to the podcast.
Lawrence 21:08
That's fantastic, and I love what you said about the body of proof. You know, you stand on that start line, and you said you could look back in your calendar and you could see all the training you've done. But I think also you could feel the muscles in your body.
You stand on that. If you're thinking, your mindset is, I'm a triathlete, I am prepared, I've put the yards in, and then you can look at your body, or you can touch your arm, or you can touch your thigh, and you can realize, you know, my muscles are there. I'm, I'm built for this. This is, this is my day, sort of thing.
So, that is how you want to be standing on that start line. Like you said, it is a little bit of a different thing for me. I'm, I'm in a dating relationship. I, I see my partner on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and my diary is, has some things in it that are planned for all, in all of those buckets, actually.
We have a text check-in every morning. We have a text check-in every evening. That doesn't go on the calendar because it's standard. That's what, what we do. And, you know, we're, we're, we're a bit flexible about it, but, but generally...
Tim Matthews 22:14
When you say a check-in, what was so...
Lawrence 22:17
Just, just a, you know, I wake up, she's on my mind. I'll text her, or I'll send her an Instagram reel or something. You know, how I'm feeling today, how she is, hope she has a good day. But just a bit of connection.
Tim Matthews 22:28
All right, okay. So it's not like a formal check-in.
Lawrence 22:30
Not a, not a formal check-in. No, no. In the evening, we'll do the same. Same, and we, we may, we may text backwards and forwards or whatever. We're both busy people. She's got, she's got a job. I've, you know, I've got a business to run, but we, we keep in touch throughout the week.
Come Thursday, we have our check-in. We always have a check-in, whether it's on the phone, on FaceTime, or face-to-face. Sometimes you'll come over Thursday evening, and we'll spend most of that evening actually connecting. We, we've got a, a standard check-in that we use.
It covers state of self. So, how have you been? How are you arriving into this week mentally and physically? What's been draining you? What's been filling you up? Where are you feeling strongest right now? Where do you feel stretched or off balance?
This is the, the full check-in. State of us. Where did you feel most connected to me this week? Where did you feel distant, even slightly? Is there anything left unsaid or lingering that needs to be cleared up? Do you feel safe, seen, and understood right now?
And sometimes I'll ask her these questions, like, verbatim, and other times we'll just, we'll have a conversation around that. Do you feel?
Tim Matthews 23:32
I was going to ask you, how do you do that without turning or feeling like a meeting?
Lawrence 23:36
It's not a checklist. We don't.
Tim Matthews 23:39
Have an organic conversation.
Lawrence 23:40
It's an organic conversation. We try and hit. We, we did do it a couple of weeks ago. We went through the whole thing and asked every single question, and it was, by the end of it, was like, hydraulic. Please go to bed now, please.
But, but, so you just, you pick and choose the things that, because. But what, what I would say is the taking the time to do that is really important because it's not non-normal until halfway down this list that something will then come out, and it'll be like, actually, I, I did think this, and I've been meaning to say that.
Tim Matthews 24:08
I wonder if there's an opportunity for, to ask two questions, and you'd flick through that list, and you'd pick out one question you really want to ask her, and vice versa. And then she can flick through the list, and she can pick out one question she, she really wants to answer.
So imagine the, you know, the, there'll be a conversation around whatever the response is to the question, right? And then it leaves it quite mysterious, organic. What's going to get picked? Where's it going to go? That's cool. There's still some fun and lightness.
Lawrence 24:41
Like that. We, we will often, we'll go through it and we'll, we'll pick questions. So she'll ask, and then the other thing is, it's not about an interrogation. So I'm not asking her these questions. Or, you know, how are you? This, how, how do you feel about that?
So often I'll lead by, by saying, you know, by answering a question. Well, the question is, you know, so the next one. Dynamic check, you know, how, you know, what's the strongest in our dynamic? Is it a bit too much, bit too little? Did you feel led? You know, and all that sort of stuff.
And sometimes I'll have something on my mind and I'll ask her, but sometimes equally she'll ask me and, or I'll answer the question first because it's, you know, let's say it's got to be flexible. This is just a framework. It's not.
Tim Matthews 25:18
Some good ideas on there.
Lawrence 25:19
Practical, and then there's a practical reality check as well.
Tim Matthews 25:21
The key is the energy, right? In that particular exchange, because if we group it into the whole quality time piece, I mean, that could be classed as intimate reconnection time. But I think it would. I don't think it'd be soft connection time. I think that's more intimate reconnection time.
Lawrence 25:41
No, I think you're right. I mean, some of the conversations around it and the time we spend doing it can be that soft time because we're just cuddling on the sofa, just tatting it through. But I think that's a, that's something we do. And like I say, if it's on the phone, it's much, it's much less. It's just a conversation and one or two things out of it.
Tim Matthews 25:59
I think when a relationship is really healthy as well, you're gonna flow between these three types of quality time. Like you've just said, you'll be on the sofa, soft connection time. You then might just flow into some deeper reconnection stuff. You could even then flow into some play or novelty.
Like, I think the, the, the healthier the couple, the more that you're going to organically move through these types. And the more a couple wants to reconnect, the more, honestly, structure and planning. Obviously, if they have busy lives too, kids or whatever, I think the planning is going to be key.
But if you're looking to reconnect, I think the more planning and intention around making sure you've got these three types, the more important that is going to be.
Lawrence 26:42
No, I, I think that's really key. Actually, if you were just doing soft time all the time, and it wouldn't feel like there's any progression, any depth of intimacy, no excitement, no novelty. So, I think that's, that's important.
So Thursday nights we always do that. Friday, last Friday we went, went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I don't know if you know the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I got dressed up, stocking suspenders, a lot. I mean, I think we can put that in the novelty category. She got dressed up as well. We had a good sing. It was great.
Barbecue on Sunday to get on Saturday together, and then I took her out for a motorcycle ride on, on, on, on Sunday, so we fill the weekend. So we are now...
Tim Matthews 27:23
So we are not taking applications to be Lawrence's partner.
Lawrence 27:27
So if that spot's filled right now, but there is a waiting list. I'm, you can join the waiting list.
So we have, we have full weekends because, because we don't, we only get to see each other, you know, three or four days, two or three days a week, every other week, and so...
Tim Matthews 27:44
She's great when we meet. Builds participation, builds mystery, longing, all those things.
Lawrence 27:50
No, it's, it's, it's really good. So it's a, it's a bit unrealistic to expect to pack a diary for that seven days a week if you were a married man, and you were. Oh.
But I think the, the, as you say, I think the key is the mix. So we've got some intimate time where we're sitting down, we're talking about our, our relationship, and then we've got some fun time where we're getting dressed up and going out and, and, and having fun, and then we've got some novelty time where we're riding the bike and...
Tim Matthews 28:17
I mean, go back to inputs and outputs. This is about stacking the positive experiences in the relationship. You know, a lot of people, a lot of guys. I'll speak to guys because I'm so familiar with that. We will maintain the expectation on the output, sex, even in a difficult season in the relationship where the inputs are just not there.
And that can really, because obviously that's the way in which most men connect and feel connected to the woman they love, is through the physical. It can be really tough. It can be really tough to deal with, and in that, in that dynamic where there's disconnect, typically there's a lot of criticism too, and that is so detrimental to a relationship.
I think the, the science says that usually it takes, is a five-to-one ratio, appreciation to criticism. So five, essentially, acts of appreciation to every one criticism because criticism weighs so heavy.
So to me, this, this idea of the quality time is all about stacking those positive experiences so that the relationship can be held in, in a good space, so that if there is something else that comes up, a disagreement, a criticism, whatever it may be, it doesn't really impact or weigh that heavy because the relationship is, is, has such a good balance within the emotional bank account.
Lawrence 29:41
But if the bank account's overdrawn and you get one negative thing, boom, it hits that. Oh, for sure. And that leads, that, that sort of touches on what I always, I've recently heard Doug say as well, which is that kind of, you know, the, my mind's just gone blank then. What does Doug say?
Tim Matthews 29:58
Doug says a lot.
Lawrence 30:00
It's the, no, it's still not there.
Tim Matthews 30:03
Well, going back to that point, you know, again, this practice, that's what it is, a practice, becomes even more important, especially when the relationship is suffering. Because you've got to take these moments to connect. I'm going to share with you a little, a little pyramid.
Lawrence 30:21
Okay.
Tim Matthews 30:21
You can draw this on your notes if you want. So this is the quality time pyramid.
Lawrence 30:29
QT pyramid.
Tim Matthews 30:30
Yes. So on the, on the, the bottom levels, the foundation, there are, just so you know, there are four levels to this. Okay. So level one is daily micro commitments. So that's the foundation of this quality time pyramid.
They are things like 10 minutes in the morning, you know, a kiss when you arrive home or when you leave, a fun, a fun-free coffee, just small daily micro commitments. Not logistical stuff necessarily. It might come in at times, but just small daily micro commitments.
Level two, after the daily, comes the weekly chosen time. Yes, we've moved from the daily to the weekly. This is one intentional block per week of an hour to two hours, whatever you can do, where you are choosing her, you are choosing one another. No phones, no distractions. It's planned in advance, and there is a clear, there is a clear emotional intention with this. And that can come from your side, doesn't need to be a joint thing necessarily.
After the weekly chosen time, level three is monthly novelty time. So once a month, you just do something new. You just do something novel. Gonna, gonna hike together, gonna date together, new restaurant, whatever it may be.
And then level four beyond that is a quarterly deeper reset. You have your daily, your weekly, your monthly, your quarterly. This would be a weekend away. It could be a relationship review, a deeper conversation, a shared vision session, whatever it may be, but I think...
Lawrence 32:23
Love that. It's amazing.
Tim Matthews 32:26
That nice cadence, daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly.
The final thing I'm going to share with you is, well, there's, there's two things I want to share. There's, there was a lot in this training, so, and I'll keep saying there's one more thing, and I'd like another thing, another thing, another thing.
So, six guidelines for high-quality quality time. Number one is decide before you arrive.
Lawrence 32:53
Nice.
Tim Matthews 32:53
So, what state are you going to be in? What's your intention? How are you going to enter into it, essentially?
Number two is remove the third thing, be it work, be it kids, be it for fun, whatever it may be. The third thing that is trying to steal your attention, remove it.
Number three is to give without extracting. I heard this thing recently that I love. Imagine being in a relationship where both people try to outgive one another. How cool would that be? But give without extracting. Again, it can go to your standard, just like your identity of being a triathlete on the start line. I am a giver. Whichever way you want to take that, guys. I am a giver, right? And I give without extracting.
The fourth piece is create anticipation. Fourth guideline. Obviously, you can do that a little bit better with the novelty piece, but create anticipation.
The fifth one: add novelty, but don't become dependent on novelty. That's the key. That kind of goes back to that point of, hey, it was good enough in the beginning. Why is it not good enough now?
Number six: learn to enjoy the low stimulation moments. This one's key. Learn to enjoy the low stimulation moments.
Now, this, I was going to say this really is the final thing, but it's not. There's two more. As you do your weekly review, there's a little audit that you can do. 3-2-1 checklist. What are three moments this week where I can create micro connection? Or you could ask, you know, what were the three moments this week where I created micro connection? What are the two blocks this month where I can create chosen time? And then, what's one novel experience I can lead this month?
Lawrence 34:59
Nice.
Tim Matthews 35:00
Now, final thing, and this is the final thing: the CHOSEN framework. And again, this all comes off the back of the training, where it's this idea of having her feel chosen, essentially. So, C is calendar it.
Lawrence 35:17
In the calendar.
Tim Matthews 35:18
Put it in the calendar. If it's not, if it's not protected, it won't happen. H is hold the frame. Essentially, lead the time, don't outsource all the planning.
Lawrence 35:31
So important.
Tim Matthews 35:33
O is open your attention. Arrive emotionally, not just physically. Goes to that other guideline of remove the third thing.
S is strip the agenda. Goes to that point of, you know, give without extracting, right?
E is energize it. So that's novelty, play, that kind of thing. Dressing up in stockings, whatever you want to do.
And then N is notice what works. Pay attention to what makes us soft and smile, open, and feel safe.
So, I know that the whole point of this episode was inputs and outputs, and I wanted to share some inputs with the men as it relates purely to quality time because it's such a key input. That's typically most women's love language alongside acts of service, without being asked, but also given a few other tools and frameworks as well.
So, as we wrap this episode up, is there anything else you want to share or say?
Lawrence 36:36
I think, I think this is brilliant. I think the men will get loads of benefit out of this. This is fantastic because it is such a key area that I think is misunderstood, or people don't. The guys don't seem to under, understand always what the benefit, particularly of those low-level, intimate moments and creating them.
I think being intentional about creating all of these things, and I think the big thing that jumped out at me there at the end there was holding the frame. Is doing this. You're not doing this out of a needy thing. You're not doing this, get, you know, doing, doing this to try and get anything. Doing it because you enjoy doing it, and actually, it's a really pleasurable and enjoyable thing to do to create intimacy.
It's like alchemy. You're creating something out of nothing, and I think that is our job. Really, I think I certainly, in my relationship, spent a long time, in my previous relationship, spent a long time waiting for something to happen. Why isn't it working? I've done all the work, you know. The things should be, and actually not creating the space.
And this is a very practical checklist and tools for creating that. So, brilliant.
Tim Matthews 37:45
Nice. The guys loved it. They did not like the calendar audit. No, I faced a lot of pushback. I think, but they didn't like the truth that got delivered by it.
And when I was able to stand firm and say, guys, I don't care whether you do percentages or hours because that's what they tried to, you know. Ah, guys, like, hey, just tell me what it is, be clear, and I will put it in a box and I will see. Guys, I don't care whether it's a percentage or hours. The point is, what does it say? What's the? Well, I'm clearly not doing enough. I don't like it.
And then I said, and now consider how much quality time, or how much time rather, you allocate to the things that you want to do. And then for these guys, it was their racing schedule because you race cars and various things. It was trips away. It was calls. It was, you know, they were doing loads of things for them. All these, but it was disproportionate. The, the inputs for the relationship were disproportionate to the output they expected.
Lawrence 38:53
And it's like you said about the Ironman. You know, we've done, you've done, you've done all this work on yourself, and you've built, you filled your cup, and you've done all this, and you've done all that, but you've not done anything of this? This is the key for the relationship, and that's when you, you can be prepared for the race.
Tim Matthews 39:05
Yep. So I'm going to start. Top three takeaways for me. The first one is do this because it's who you are.
Lawrence 39:15
Yes.
Tim Matthews 39:16
When you're able to get to a point of, this is my standard, this is how I show up in a relationship. This is the kind of partner, lover I want to be for me because I enjoy doing these things. I'm a giver. Game changer. Game changer. It becomes your standard. It becomes your identity.
Just like, to your point a minute ago, you start on that start line at the Ironman feeling like a triathlete, regardless of the outcome of the race, because you know you have a body of evidence that says, "Hey, this is who I am." That'd be my first takeaway.
Second takeaway is what? What are you gonna? What are you gonna make the next 14 days of your calendar say about who you are? If your calendar, if your calendar demonstrates votes for what is actually important for, to you based on how you spend your time, then what is it showing is a priority? What does it say?
So what are you going to do with the next 14 days? You've now been shared this insight. What are you going to do? You can change the next 14 days. How are you going to design those? Think about the 3-2-1. Think about the quality time pyramid. There's just, you know, what are you going to do with it?
The third takeaway. I don't have a third, but three just seems to kind of flow a lot better, doesn't it? There's always some pressure on three.
Lawrence 40:51
I'll give you a third one. You can, you can nick this one. This is not a project. I would say this is not a project. Don't treat this as another project, right? I've got to create some intimate, intimate time, and it's got to be a certain mix of this, and I've got to have it. It's a standard. It's be, do, have. Be this.
Tim Matthews 41:06
I love that.
Lawrence 41:07
Be a man that does this. Don't treat this as something you've got. Another thing you've got to do. A, it will make it easier for you to do it because it doesn't feel like another chore of, oh God, now it's got to swap a calendar out. And B, it will really feel more integrated into who you are if you just say, "Ah, you know, I'm a guy that..."
And the other thing I was going to add as well, this is my, my one of mine, is hold the frame, initiate. Initiate these things. Actually, take steps not just to put it in your calendar, but to share that, co-create, as we talked about in the, in the other, other, you know, video and say, at the other session, and say, look, you know, I'm thinking of doing this. I want to spend some time with you here. How do you feel about that?
She might have some. She might have some empathy. I want to spend time. I want to spend time with you, and I want to start thinking about doing it like this. Not, not, this is what we're doing for the next three, two weeks. I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do that. It feels like an imposition to her. So, that's what those takeaways are.
Tim Matthews 42:00
Fantastic, guys. Thank you again for joining us on the TPM Show. If you want to find out more about what we do here at TPM, send an email into VIP at The Powerful Man. That's veryimportantperson@thepowerfulman.com.
Whether it's The Activation Method, the Alpha Reset, The Brotherhood, the Inner Circle, whatever it may be. If you want the PDF version of the training that I went through with the guys, then just email in to that same place, veryimportantperson @thepowerfulman.com.
Email in "quality time." Just say that, "quality time," and I will have the team send you the PDF, so you've got it. You'll look through it. You can do it in your own time.
But anyway, thank you for being here. We'll see you next time on the TPM Show.Rise