Navigating Comparisons in Marriage: Finding Connection and Growth

Episode #1071

If you’ve ever wondered whether your wife is comparing you to other men, coworkers, friends’ husbands, or even her dad, you’re not crazy. She probably is. And while it’s uncomfortable to think about, it doesn’t mean she’s a bad partner. It usually means she’s hurting, disconnected, or missing something that used to be there. In this episode, Doug and Erin break down exactly why these comparisons happen, what they actually mean, and how to shift the dynamic without playing the blame game.

Erin shares the raw truth about how women experience disconnection and why bitterness and criticism are often just cover-ups for sadness and longing. Doug opens up about the patterns he’s seen in men who unknowingly slip into the nice guy trap, and what it takes to rebuild trust, respect, and attraction without begging or forcing conversations that go nowhere.

If you're feeling like something's off but can't quite name it, this episode will help you see it clearly. Sometimes the issue isn't that she's changed, it's that you’ve lost connection with yourself. And when that happens, she feels it. Your energy matters more than you think, and when you’re checked out, she checks out too. The good news is, there’s a way to turn this around that doesn’t involve chasing or convincing her to talk.

Want a proven way to start leading in your marriage again without long talks or therapy?
Get the free training here: https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales
It’s simple, actionable, and gets straight to the point. No fluff. Just a clear path forward.

Hungry for more?

Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.

Also listen on:

iTunes
Spotify

Transcription

Erin Holt 0:00
People get to make room for their partners to have similar traits, but also to be their own selves. But the guy has become a yes guy. He’s trying to make her happy. He’s become needy. We’re not our true selves because we are hurting. So there’s lots of comparison going on. Life might look really good from the outside, but it might feel a little dead on the inside. So what do you need to do to feel alive again?

Doug Holt 0:19
Like he knows his wife’s comparing him to other husbands, other men.

Erin Holt 0:24
Underneath it, we’re hurting and we’re sad.

Doug Holt 0:26
Oh my gosh, I can’t believe my partner’s bettering themselves.

Doug Holt 0:40
Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the TPM show. I am, once again, joined by my gorgeous wife, Erin. Erin, if you don’t know, is not only the mother of my children and my amazing wife but also a coach who coaches women. And with that, she brings a unique perspective not only her own but also the groups of women that she’s coached and mentored over the years.

Hi, babe. Thanks for being here.

Erin Holt 0:59
Thank you so much for having me.

Doug Holt 1:00
So this was an interesting question Colton, the producer, brought up to us which I thought was one we’d never really covered before. And the idea was: Does your wife compare you to other men? And is she thinking about other men?

Let’s just say you’re in a relatively sexless marriage. The guy has become the stereotypical “Nice Guy” or doormat. For those that don’t know what I’m talking about, there’s a guy named Dr. Robert Glover who wrote a book, No More Mr. Nice Guy, which I think showcases it from a man’s point of view pretty clearly.

But the guy has become a yes guy. He’s trying to make her happy. He’s become needy. He probably bites his tongue a lot to keep the peace in the house. Probably decided, “You know what? It’s better to follow her lead.”

“Hey, what do you want for dinner? Where do you want to go? What are you doing? What’s going on?”

All of those types of things and they’ve become roommates.

Erin Holt 2:15
So, is she comparing him to other men? Yep. I’m just gonna say if you’re here and listening to this, I know you want to grow, and some of this might be like, “I don’t really want to hear that,” but I mean, the answer is yes.

I don’t think it’s shocking. Does it make her a mean, bad person or a terrible wife? No. In any partnership that’s going to be long term look, you’re working out your childhood wounds on your partner until you get to the point where you sign up for some sort of interpersonal work and start looking at your own shadows. That’s where Mr. Nice Guy can happen a lot.

So during that phase, it gets to the point where it’s like, “Wow, it’s really attractive that, I don’t know Larry the landscaper over there is super manly.” And I’m just totally pulling that out, I don’t have exact examples, but 

Doug Holt 3:11
Our landscaper named Larry?

Erin Holt 3:13
No! But say he’s physically fit, very masculine, and strong. Those very basic masculine traits become pronounced whenever there’s a big disconnect.

And I think you started off with a basically sexless marriage which, everybody’s in pain when that’s happening. So yes, that’s the answer.

Doug Holt 3:37
So let’s go some levels deeper here. With that level of comparison and we’ve all been in situations where I’ve seen this play out in social settings it’s painfully obvious.

I’ve also seen it play out where I felt it was painfully obvious. And it’s always the man, from my recollection, who’s painfully oblivious self-protection to the comparisons.

So, what’s going on for a woman when she’s comparing her man? Say she’s looking at Larry the landscaper, or whoever else it could be Dave, her best friend’s husband. I’ve got to imagine it’s often someone she’s close to.

Erin Holt 4:22
It is.

Doug Holt 4:23
It’s proximity somebody nearby. It’s gonna be a coworker, oftentimes, or a friend and that friend could be a friend’s partner. I gotta imagine women compare their friend’s husbands to their own husbands.

Erin Holt 4:45
Or to their dad.

Doug Holt 4:46
Or to their dad.

Erin Holt 4:47
Very much often to their dad, if they had a good relationship with their dad.

Doug Holt 4:51
Okay, say more.

Erin Holt 4:53
Well, a lot of times, if a woman had a great relationship with her father like as a little girl, your father is your first love. If you have a son, your mother is his first love. When that relationship is healthy, there’s a strong set of standards that forms around what a partner should be.

I have a very close relationship with my father. I have a lot of respect and admiration for him he was a great dad. So I came from a place of wanting a great man as a partner. People need to make room for their partners to have some similar traits, but also to be their own person.

For example, from my lived experience my dad’s an engineer. He can fix literally anything: the car, the house, a broken pipe anything. I was used to that type of fixing. Those were my examples of masculine traits.

Now, those aren’t Doug’s skill sets. Doug’s skill sets are very different he can build any business, fix any system behind the scenes, solve problems that way. He expresses his masculine energy differently. It took me a while not to compare Doug to my dad. Like when something would break, I’d immediately think, “Oh, Doug will fix it,” because that was the role my dad played in our house.

It’s really common for a woman to compare, on some level, her partner to her dad until she learns how to honor her partner for who he is and what she actually needs in a husband. That’s when she starts to realize whether she wants something similar to her dad, or something completely different.

And I would say the opposite goes for men, too.

Doug Holt 6:44
Awesome. So a guy’s wife like you you’re comparing your husband to your father, maybe to your friend’s husbands, possibly to coworkers, and possibly to Larry the landscaper. So there’s lots of comparison going on.

Erin Holt 7:08
I will say, there are different layers of comparison. If we’re just attracted to Larry the landscaper, that’s normal everyone notices other people. That can be innocent, like, “Oh, he’s strong and muscular.” No problem.

But if the energy shifts into, “I’m extremely unhappy in my marriage, we haven’t had sex in eight months, I don’t know how to reconnect,” then the comparison becomes dangerous. That’s when it turns into glorifying other people while villainizing your husband.

It’s not a good place for anyone to be and honestly, it doesn’t even feel good for the woman. It’s a painful kind of disconnection that can grow rapidly out of control if left unchecked.

Doug Holt 7:54
And I also have to say, a lot of the guys listening to this their wives don’t do the work that you do. So they might not even realize it doesn’t feel good; they just know that, “Oh, Joanne’s husband is funny and outgoing, and I feel good around him,” while their own husband feels stale or distant.

So do women talk about that with other women?

Erin Holt 8:27
Women talk about everything.

Doug Holt 8:29
I know. I hear you guys three times a week in our garage gym. I do everything I can not to listen.

Erin Holt 8:39
It’s interesting. There are certain friendships where those kinds of things are talked about, and certain ones where they’re not. But usually, every woman has at least one or two friendships where those conversations happen.

And honestly, in the healthiest friendships, that friend will eventually challenge her like, “Hey, what are you doing? This isn’t who you are. What’s really going on in your marriage? What do you need to do to get back there?”

Doug Holt 9:00
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I’m sure we can all agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what’s broken and not only that, but also have a step-by-step method to fix it.

That’s why I created a free training that not only shows you how you got to where you are where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and intimacy it used to have but also how to get it back.

How do you rekindle that spark, so your wife looks at you the same way she used to when she said, “I do”?

Because when my wife looks at me like I’m her man, I feel like I can conquer the world and I want that for you, too.

Simply go to thepowerfulman.com/scales. That’s thepowerfulman.com/scales. Watch the free video training and see if it resonates with you.

Now, back to the podcast.

Erin Holt 10:03
So, what do you need to do to get back into your marriage and clean up what’s going on if you want to stay married? A lot of women will talk to each other like that, which is great. But not everyone has that kind of friendship.

The deeper friendships are the ones where someone can lovingly call you out and help you reconnect with your values and your marriage, not fuel the resentment.

Doug Holt 10:26
Okay, so let’s go there. Because I don’t think any of the husbands listening to this think that the four women who work out in our garage are comparing their husbands to each other. Are they?

Erin Holt 10:38
No.

Doug Holt 10:38
Okay, phew.

Erin Holt 10:40
Well, I’m not gonna throw anyone under the bus.

Doug Holt 10:43
You guys are always talking about me.

Erin Holt 10:44
We just talk about how great Doug is. That’s the whole topic of conversation.

Doug Holt 10:49
That’s why I give you your space.

Erin Holt 10:51
Here’s the thing we have a solid feminine bond. When women connect and share, we release oxytocin, which helps us feel relaxed and close.

If there’s a safe enough space in the friendship, we can hold space for one another when someone’s venting without disrespecting her husband.

We can support her while still holding her marriage in the highest regard. That’s the kind of friendship women thrive in the kind where you can be honest, but still honor your partner and the relationship.

Doug Holt 11:33
When I work out with the guys their husbands we just talk trash. That’s how guys connect.

Okay, so we’ve got an idea of where this comes from. And not you or your friends but the average woman out there who maybe hasn’t done a lot of personal work, maybe read a couple of self-help books.

Erin Holt 11:55
She’s stuck in bitterness.

Doug Holt 11:56
Stuck meaning what?

Erin Holt 11:58
Stuck in hurt and sadness.

Doug Holt 11:58
Tell me more. I know what you mean, but if you just told someone they’re “stuck in bitterness,” they might not actually understand what you’re trying to say.

Erin Holt 12:06
Under every criticism or sharp comment, there’s really a cry for connection with you. It might not come out great if she’s stuck in what I call bitterness. I hear men say that a lot “She feels so prickly; she feels bitter.” I’ve felt this before when Doug and I have gone through our dark times.

It’s like we’re not our true selves because we’re hurting. Let’s just cut through the BS. Underneath it all, we’re hurting and we’re sad. So we lash out a little bit. I’m not saying it’s our best selves, but we come across as cold. We’re trying to protect ourselves from you, but we actually want to deeply connect with you. It’s a conundrum we find ourselves in, so we come across that way.

Doug Holt 12:46
Prickly. Cool. So what would you recommend a guy do in this situation? He finds himself knowing his wife’s comparing him to other husbands, other men what should he do?

Erin Holt 12:58
I would suggest being really honest with yourself. How connected are you to yourself? Probably not very, if you’re in this situation. On some level you might not use this language but you probably feel like you’ve lost yourself.

You’re going through the motions. Life might look good from the outside, but you feel a little dead on the inside. So what do you need to do to feel alive again?

That’s where I’d start. Connecting to yourself is the first step, because that’s when you start bringing back your energy your zest for life. That’s attractive. It also feels safe.

A man who’s dull and disconnected from himself, going through the motions like Eeyore that doesn’t feel safe to us, and it’s not attractive either. Think about anyone who’s excited about their life that energy is magnetic.

Doug Holt 13:49
I’m gonna guess that 99% of men have no idea how to connect to themselves. I agree with your advice, so what do you recommend they actually do to connect to themselves?

Erin Holt 13:59
I mean, I know we’re on this podcast, but do one of The Powerful Man programs or something similar. Here’s the thing: the situation that got you here doing the same thing over and over again isn’t going to create a different result.

So if you’re listening to this, you’re smart. Do something different. Do something that helps you learn about yourself. Stop pointing fingers, stop blaming, and look at your role how you helped create this situation, and what you can do differently to change it.

Doug Holt 14:35
So let me recap. Women do compare their men to other men. When that happens, it can show up as bitterness the woman’s unhappy. The way the guy can counter that is by owning his side of the street and taking action to better himself.

Is that correct?

There you go there’s your roadmap. Five simple things, guys, right there that you can do.

One just notice it. “Hey, is my wife comparing me to other men?” At some point yes, for sure.
Two does that cause bitterness or disconnect in the relationship? Of course.
So if that’s happening, the antidote is to own your side of the street.

Ask yourself: What do I get to do better? What’s going on for me? And then take massive action. Don’t take a small step jump in with both feet and go for it.

The worst that can happen is your wife says, “My husband’s bettering himself.” No wife has ever said that and been mad about it, right?

Some women might get scared or unsure at first, but I’ve never heard any man or woman say, “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe my partner’s bettering themselves,” in a negative way.

Erin Holt 16:03
It’s good to have these conversations. And it’s like we make it seem so hard. Not that doing the work isn’t hard it’s worth-it hard. Choose your hard.

Living in that disconnected, sad, mopey place feeling like, “Man, I want more connection with my wife” that’s hard. But doing the work having a place to land where you’re challenged with love and accountability that’s also hard.

The difference is, one leads to growth and connection, and the other keeps you stuck. So choose your hard.

Doug Holt 16:40
I couldn’t agree more choose your hard.

Well, gentlemen, you heard it straight from Erin. It’s hard being in a sexless relationship. It’s hard being in a relationship where your wife is consistently comparing you to other men men she feels are somehow better than you.

But often, what that really means is that there’s something in you she saw originally that’s gone missing and that’s what she’s longing for.

It’s hard to face that reality, but it’s also hard to do the work to change it. The difference is, you can stay stuck where it keeps getting worse or you can do the hard work to better yourself and bring things back on track.

That’s the key it’s all about growth and taking action.

Alright, gentlemen, that’s a wrap for us. We’ll see you next time on The TPM Show.