Episode #1083
In this episode, Doug sits down with Andrew to unpack one of the biggest challenges men face in long-term relationships: staying consistent not just for a few weeks, but for the long haul.
They get real about why short-term effort isn't enough, why so many guys slip when things start improving, and how old patterns (especially the ones from childhood) keep showing up in marriage. Doug shares a powerful story about a man trying to turn things around after years of being emotionally checked out and why "two and a half weeks of trying" doesn't undo a decade of disconnect.
If you've ever felt frustrated because you're doing the work and not seeing results, this is for you.
If you're showing up with expectations and getting burned, this is for you.
And if you're ready to shift from surface-level fixes to real identity change this conversation cuts straight to it.
You’ll walk away with practical tools and insights to help you stop the pattern, drop the scorekeeping, and show up in a way that actually builds trust not just today, but consistently.
Want the step-by-step roadmap to turn things around in your marriage? Get free access to the powerful training at https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales. No fluff, just clear, actionable tools that actually work.
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Andrew 0:00
Most amazing week of my life.
Doug Holt 0:01
Still to this day, the key to consistency is doing it for yourself. You’ve made up a story, and part of you maybe kicks in to protect you unmet expectation and bad communication just an excuse to protect yourself. I’m able to recognize it a lot quicker and pull myself out. You feel like the person’s unstable, right? There’s no stability there. Find the smallest thing that allows you to be consistent, so the woman doesn’t feel unsafe and respond like a five-year-old girl.
Doug Holt 0:41
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of The TPM Show. I am joined by a very special guest and good friend, Andrew. Andrew, thanks for being here, man.
Andrew 0:49
What’s up, Doug? Thank you.
Doug Holt 0:50
Thanks for being at the ranch. So for people that don’t know, there’ll be The Alpha Reset here, and you’ve dedicated your time and energy to be here to hold space for these men coming through The Alpha Reset. What was that like for you? And that’s not what we’re talking about today, but I’m just curious.
Andrew 1:09
Most amazing week of my life, still to this day. I came in actually thinking that it was okay I mean, I’ve said this before on another podcast I came into it like I was telling everyone, “I’m good, I’m good,” because I was going through a divorce and everything, and I was just pushing everything down and trying to keep my head up.
It was an awakening. A lot of tears shed and necessary ones. You’re just finding out who you really are, who you haven’t been, and how you haven’t been showing up. The blame of other people kind of dissipates, and you start really looking at yourself.
That’s what I got out of it. Everyone’s story is a little bit different, but I looked inward and it was a little hurtful to realize what I allowed myself to become, and how I was not being the best father. You tell yourself the story that you’re the best father, but you weren’t doing it. You were putting yourself in a different place. I just wasn’t in a great place at all.
So it was amazing walking out of that really life-changing.
Doug Holt 2:02
That’s awesome, man. I appreciate you being here to support these guys. I always say we lie to ourselves more than we lie to anybody else. We tell ourselves these lies that things are “good enough,” “okay,” or “not as bad as Fred over there.”
And then, when we have the opportunity of being guided to look inward to peel back our own layers and take off the masks most men, I would say, are gobsmacked. They’re dumbfounded, like, “Whoa, things weren’t as good as I thought they were.” I’ve just been masking it, shoving it down, and lying to myself.
Andrew 2:38
Sure. And there’s that push-pull energy when you do that. You think you’re doing something like, “I just did this and that for her,” but you did that for a day or two, and then you went out with your friends for three days straight and left her alone with the kids, right?
We’ve all been there, right? And 100%, you don’t realize it. You think in the moment, “Oh, well, it’s my wife it’s normal,” but that’s not what they want to feel.
Doug Holt 3:00
Exactly. Well, one of the things we were talking about I asked you a question. I said, “Hey, you’ve been in the movement for a long time. You play at what I would say is a very high level.”
Meaning, one you’re consistently doing the work. Two you’re very active in the movement, the community, the events. Three you’re a member of The Inner Circle, which is our highest-level mastermind group. So you’re around a lot of the big dogs.
What are some of the things you see that men in general or what’s one thing that you see that men in general struggle with?
Andrew 3:30
To me, I think it’s a consistency issue. And I think it comes more with men who are in long-term relationships and still trying to work out their marriage. Maybe they’re doing well sometimes, then not.
I think it’s a little different for guys who are newly divorced or dating it’s a different energy. It’s easier to show up consistently. But something about that long-term thing I see these guys, and they can do it for two, three weeks, and they’re like, “Things are great, things are great.”
And then, all of a sudden, things are not great. They’re back on calls, sometimes in tears, saying, “We just had this happen, that happen,” and from my perspective, I’m like, “But you shifted. You didn’t keep doing what you were doing.”
And I’ve called guys out on it. That’s hard for them and for me. There’s a lot of history in these long-term relationships, right? And truthfully, they don’t know the answer. I’m here that’s why I’m being coached.
Doug Holt 4:25
Well, I think it helps you too, right? And something I know about you is you love the guys in the movement. You’re always looking to help them.
So when I work with a man who’s in a similar situation a long history, long relationship in fact, I shared this on a podcast recently with Coach Neil. I had a guy that I worked with one-on-one, and he came to me typical start to a call: “Hey, how are things going?” Just catching up, and we’d become good friends through the coaching.
And he says, “Man, I blew up. I got frustrated, blew up.”
I said, “What are you doing? You were doing so well!”
He was in a long-term relationship and had been showing up consistent. And he says, “Doug, I showed up consistently for two and a half weeks. Two and a half weeks! I was doing all the things you told me to do, and I still wasn’t getting laid.”
So he blows up at his wife. Yells at her.
And I said to him, “You told me you used to be an asshole your words, not mine. How long were you an asshole for?”
He says, “Oh, for more than ten years. I was bad.”
I said, “Okay, so you’re telling me that for ten years by your own words you were an asshole, which probably means it felt even worse for her. And you couldn’t go three weeks of not being one?”
Of course she’s going to react the moment you snap. “Yep, there you are.”
The reason is he was doing it for something. And that’s the key. The key to consistency is doing it for yourself.
A lot of these guys in long-term relationships are doing it while looking for a response. It’s like business: sure, we adjust based on feedback but they’re using such a short timeline. They’re waiting for instant gratification.
“If I’m nice to Andrew, then Andrew’s going to be nice to me. He’ll make me eggs over easy.” That’s horse-trading it’s transactional.
And women and people can feel that.
The other thing I see, Andrew, and even more so lately, is that when things start to get good, men slip back into old habits.
And what’s the difference between those guys and the ones who stay consistent? It’s identity.
It’s like me saying, “I quit smoking 33 days ago,” versus saying, “I don’t smoke.” There’s a difference in mentality. The guy who says, “I quit smoking 33 days ago,” knows exactly how long it’s been because he’s still identifying as a smoker. The guy who says, “I don’t smoke,” has shifted identity.
That’s what happens with consistency. The men who stay consistent have made an identity shift. They’ve redefined what consistency means and it’s always for themselves first.
Because if they’re doing it for their wife, and let’s say she leaves, there’s no reason for them to keep doing it. They have to embody the change, not just perform it.
Andrew 7:49
That’s actually wow, I guess I’m smarter than I thought I was.
I said almost the same thing to a couple of guys who were dealing with this. I told them, “You’re focused on the expectation, on the outcome. You’re not getting your outcome, and now you’re being a little baby running off and going right back to what you were doing.”
I said, “How is she ever going to feel safe if you do that?”
I didn’t say it as eloquently as you just did, but yeah it’s that lack of ownership.
One of the guys you were there, at the IC thing I’m not naming names, but I told him, “Okay, when you revert to that behavior, what happens? How do you show up?”
He wrote it down, and I said, “Good. Now you know how not to behave ever again.”
Doug Holt 8:27
Exactly. Do the opposite of that.
I typically use a mix of IFS Internal Family Systems and deep shadow work at the same time. Because a lot of times and you’ll know this since we know some of the same guys when that man snaps or gets triggered, it’s not the 50-year-old or 40-year-old version of him reacting.
It’s the five-year-old boy. The 12-year-old abandoned child. Somewhere along the line, something happened and it’s that boy who’s reacting.
And here’s the crux of it: the woman doesn’t feel safe, so she responds from her five-year-old girl.
Now you’ve got a five-year-old boy and a five-year-old girl trying to do adult things.
That’s where all the unmet expectations and covert contracts come in.
“If I’m good and do the routines for three weeks, then you’ll love me unconditionally, I’ll get laid all the time, and I’ll never have to do these things again.”
But none of those guys ever sat their wives down and said, “Hey, here’s my expectation: if I behave, you’ll give me what I want.”
Andrew 9:52
Exactly. It goes back to the poem I wrote The Gift.
It’s about doing something because you want to, not because you’re expecting something in return.
You do it because you want to do it.
And sure, maybe some of these guys are doing stuff they don’t love like cleaning up dog poop. Nobody loves that. But that’s not the point. It’s about being present. Showing up and being present.
That goes so much further for most people than grand gestures. Maybe it’s taking out the garbage or doing small things that just make her feel supported like someone’s helping pull on the same side.
Because a lot of these guys especially the ones making a lot of money think, “I work, you don’t. I don’t need to do that stuff.”
But you and I both know how that works.
Doug Holt 10:34
Oh, I do. And I want to go back to the shadow work for a second but first, how many of those guys have an agreement with their wives that says, “I’ll work and make the money, and therefore when I come home, you need to cater to my emotional and physical needs”?
Andrew 10:48
They have an agreement in their mind.
Doug Holt 10:51
That’s a covert contract. That’s a covert contract. So it’s not an agreement, right? And that’s one issue that they’re missing. One of the gentlemen I was working with he’s completely flipped it around on his end we’ve done a lot of shadow work together, and when he gets triggered, one of the things I have him do, because we’ve identified the parts within him (not all of them), is through IFS. I’m not going into all the details, but it works with parts of us.
In layman’s terms, different parts of us show up at different times to protect us. We have triggers. When you get upset, it’s usually something inside of you protecting you, right? If you get upset at something or sad about something if I do something you’ve made up a story, and part of you maybe kicks in to protect you.
So for this gentleman, the part of him that showed up was the part worried about being alone being left alone because that happened to him as a child. He was alone all the time. He started going through old family photos like, “Why am I always by myself and not next to the family?” His story was about being alone.
So when he felt that his wife was rejecting him or doing whatever she was doing, he associated that with, “I’m going to be left alone unless I do something drastic to change that.” Once we got to the root of that, we did shadow work calling forward that 12-year-old boy. There are conversations that get involved, and it becomes very real.
Once we could reassure the 12-year-old boy in this case that he’s not going to be alone, that he’ll never be alone, that this man is always going to be there for him his trigger response lessened. It didn’t go away completely, but it lessened when his wife started behaving in certain ways.
Now he can be inquisitive “Okay, what’s going on here? This is interesting.” And a couple of things happen. One, his wife becomes more drawn to him because that’s grounded masculine energy. He’s not getting triggered by everything she’s doing. Two, he finds out she wants to do the work and the reason she was acting that way was because she was scared. It had nothing to do with him.
So again, just to reiterate you have this man, a masculine man, acting out his 12-year-old boy’s wounds because he thinks something his wife is doing means something. She’s doing the same thing. So now you’ve got two very intelligent yet fused people who love each other but don’t think it’s going to work out because they can’t get past that hurdle.
You multiply that by 20 different actions and wounds that could happen in a long-term relationship and the stories and scorecards that people keep. Totally scorecards. “Hey, I took you on vacation. You didn’t do this, that…”
Andrew 13:52
And the other expectation of an outcome in return that you didn’t get.
Doug Holt 13:56
Exactly. And not communicated. The two biggest issues in intimate relationships unmet expectations and bad communication. Thwarted communication. Communication that doesn’t happen, essentially.
And in the scenario we just presented and that you brought up both of those things are happening at once. Both of them. And that’s a recipe for resentment. It goes beyond just your intimate lives. The more history you have with someone, the more story can come up. You have to be willing to drop that story.
Andrew 14:29
I mean, I can definitely relate. I look back at what you said about shadow work I’ve done shadow stuff before and for me, it was “not being good enough.” That was always the story from being a kid. I never felt loved enough by my mother. There were certain things, and because of that, it spawned the people pleaser. The people pleaser wants to so you flip from one side to the other. And it’s not a happy place to be.
Then, when you identify the reasons why it’s happening and I still have more work to do on that you dig, you cut through layers, but there are more layers, you know?
Doug Holt 15:01
So if it’s “not good enough,” if that’s what you’re told by your parents or somebody, or just the way you feel you feel like you’re not good enough then you switch to being a people pleaser. “If I make everybody happy, they’ll love me. Then I’m good enough.”
You’re constantly seeking acceptance approval and when it becomes your core identity, you’ll die to protect it. People will literally kill themselves, run themselves ragged, work themselves to death, whatever it takes, to protect that core identity.
So you’ve got to come to peace with that. I’m going to guess the people I know the people pleaser caused you just as much pain as anything else, right?
Andrew 15:43
Oh sure. If not the most, I would say.
Doug Holt 15:47
Exactly. And it’s the same thing for these men in long-term relationships who can’t keep the consistency up it’s because they’ve got a story about what it means.
So when you boil it down, I’d ask: “What happens if you’re not good enough?”
Andrew 16:12
If I’m not good enough, I’d feel like I’m going to be left alone. I’d feel like, “Oh wow, I’ve got to do something she’s going to leave me.” If you’re talking about a romantic partner, right? In other situations like work “Oh man, we’re going to be in trouble. We’re not going to have any business. I’d better do something drastic.” It shows up in so many different ways.
Doug Holt 16:34
And now what? What does that mean? If the business fails
Doug Holt 16:36
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Andrew 17:29
I'm a failure. Everything I did my whole life, my whole identity is a failure, right? It goes, and then, what's next? What's next, what's next.
Doug Holt 17:39
That’s the magic getting to that root, the root thing. Because what our mind does is it associates that top level of “If I'm not good enough, I might not get the business.” Cool, that’s a surface-level thing. My answer? “I’ll grind it out. I’ll be nice to the guys I don’t want to be nice to, or whatever. I’ll take them out to dinners. They’ll come over.” You know, you have a driving range in your garage, which I’m envious of. I love that thing.
Andrew 18:10
Jealousy isn’t good, Doug. Just come play.
Doug Holt 18:13
I will. So we do all these things, but at the deep-rooted level, you’ve associated not getting that contract or something in this scenario with business with that root level, which for most men is the same. So if we kept going, this is what I’d presume it would be and this isn’t supposed to be a coaching session for you, so I’ll just fast-forward it and give you the answer. Typically, if I’m talking to a guy about his business and he says, “If I’m not good, then my life’s a failure,” I’ll ask, “What does that mean if your life’s a failure?” “Well, the women I want to be with aren’t going to want to be around me.” “Okay, what does that mean?” “Well, I’m going to be alone.” “Okay, what does that mean?” “Well, then my kids aren’t even going to want to see me.” “Okay, what does that mean?” “Well, that means I’m sitting at home with a TV dinner, drinking, watching TV.” “What does that mean?” “I might as well not be alive. I might as well not be here.”
Andrew 19:07
It takes a dark, dark place, right?
Doug Holt 19:09
Very dark place, quickly. The subconscious mind moves so fast that as soon as you lose the contract in, say, the business scenario it instantly links that to death. Or in the relationship: “If she leaves me, I’m not good enough, therefore no other woman’s going to want me, therefore I’ll be left alone, therefore Christmas…” It happens so fast, and it links straight to death. So you can see why people fight for it, right? Or they do the opposite “I didn’t try, so it’s not me that’s the problem. It’s the fact that I just didn’t really go all out.”
Andrew 19:45
Which is just an excuse.
Doug Holt 19:46
Just an excuse to protect yourself.
Andrew 19:48
And I like how you just did this too, because I’m actually dealing with this in a real-life situation right now, and you just somehow managed to weave that in. That’s how good you are. You were talking and I was like, “Oh, wait… that oh no.” And I don’t feel like a failure, but it’s true. That situation is very similar. It just happened in business. I lost a contract. Could I feel not good enough? I don’t feel not good enough now, but could I have? A year ago, two years ago, I would’ve shifted to, “Oh my God, I’m not good enough. They don’t want me.” I’m not doing that now but, you know, it’s because you’ve done the work.
Doug Holt 20:23
You’ve done the work.
Andrew 20:24
That’s a dangerous slope. It really is.
Doug Holt 20:26
And it’s easy to get there and we all still go there. I still go there myself; I just don’t stay there. I’m able to recognize it a lot quicker and pull myself out of it. I mean, gosh, imposter syndrome everybody has it. Ten years ago, I’d be sitting here going, “Oh my gosh, why are people going to listen to what I have to say?” Going through that whole thing like I just ate a quarter of Andrew’s cookie.
Andrew 20:52
It was more than a quarter.
Doug Holt 20:56
It’s a big cookie, man. That was a big piece, for sure. So we get to dig through those and keep uncovering the layers, finding more and more. When we talk about consistency or men in long-term relationships, they get to look at the root cause. And I get the feeling that some of these guys like you said they’re making expectations, creating a story that “When I do this, she’ll do that.” And when they do that, the energy there is 100% transactional.
The third thing is, when they screw up, instead of laughing about it and calling it out, they go into victim mode and blame mode. And the fourth is they’re not really getting to the essence of the issue. For a woman especially but really for anyone you feel like the person’s unstable, right? There’s no stability there, and that’s scary.
Andrew 22:01
I imagine there's a way that these guys could handle it. And of just something that just came up for me with the business side of things, right? I told you earlier that, you know, when I lost it, what I did before is I called up the executive who was kind of mishandled it slightly, and I called him up and said, “Hey, look, I just want to thank you for, you know, pushing forward for us and really trying,” whatever. Now, would I have done that before? No. But I was like, “Look, you know, there’s future issues.” So now you take that in a business sense, fine, like you’re preserving relationships for the future, and that’s the smart thing to do. I could get mad and yell at him, and where does that get me, right? Yep, now he’s gonna resent me forever, and I’m probably not gonna get any more, right? I’m gonna get exactly what I don’t want, right? But on the relationship side of things, there is a possibility in that where you don’t get what you want, right? And you can still thank them for doing something else, and you can bring that energy back and, you know, shift it instead of wallowing in it, right? I mean, that’s, it’s hard, though. It is hard to recognize it and say, “Hey, you know, all right, I didn’t get what I was expecting,” and recognize that you weren’t showing up, you weren’t doing what you should have been doing, and then, but still find gratefulness to shift the energy, right?
Doug Holt 23:05
This is some of the work we’re going to be doing in Japan. So Japan is coming up in February, so we’re doing a trip for The Brotherhood Inner Circle guys, and it’s going to be on grounded, masculine leadership. So that’s what it is, how do we get into that energetic state? We may or may not talk about this portion, but something that these guys could try on is a practice of when they feel their wife is being nagging, bitchy, whatever story they want to say, what part of her is actually showing up? If you start looking at her as the hurt, wounded five-year-old girl, now you can have empathy, understanding, and caring. It takes the sting off, right? Because she’s not lashing out at you. So my daughter happens to be five. She’s a very lively five-year-old. You know, I say she’s a reincarnated Viking. But when she comes at me and lashes out, it’s easy to get triggered or get upset. But it’s also, she’s a five-year-old little girl, right? Like, no big deal. “Okay, babe, hey, it’s good. What do you need right now?” And so when I do that same energy to my wife, she just melts like, “Hey, what do you need right now?” And I’m just super stable, because my wife will do this thing. I can tell every time she’s releasing, shoulders go down. She’s like, “Oh, it’s just been such a hectic day,” and then she unloads the burdens. I’m like, “Oh, it had nothing to do with me.” So when you approach, when a man approaches that, that you can be grounded and masculine, you can create the container and the space for the woman to feel safe. And when she feels safe, she can now feel seen and heard, where a lot of guys go for is the seen and heard first, and they miss the safety component. Sure. And so that’s just a trick that I would use. Again, you can think about your ex, or you can think about other women. Like, if you approach them like a five-year-old wounded girl, it changes things a lot.
Andrew 24:56
With an ex, when that happened, I just remember I had to go over and like, just tickle or something, just be silly and like, just snap her right out of it. It didn’t even have to talk about it. Just like, and if you want to talk, I’m like, “Hey, what’s going on?” Like, then you talk, right? But everyone’s different too. You go tickle one woman, she might, she might slap you if she’s in a bad mood, right? Gotta be careful. You have to know your wife.
Doug Holt 25:17
Exactly. And you have to have relationships. You say that this is off tangent, but I talk about a lot of times I walk by Erin, and my wife and I, I slap her in the ass all the time, right? And I had one guy go, “I tried that, it didn’t go so well.” But my wife and I are good, like we used to be.
Andrew 25:35
And I do that anyway, normally.
Doug Holt 25:38
You’re trying something. Like, you guys haven’t been intimate, haven’t done anything, you just, who is this? But he got curiosity out of it, right? And so we look at those again, bringing it back to this, these long-term relationships. It really comes down to getting to our own, doing our own work. And we have to do our own work for ourselves first and foremost, you know, and that’s in The Activation Method, right? A lot of the time we can’t affect the wife, we don’t have the wife there. So we had to teach the men the tools and techniques to do their own inner work and how to communicate to women in a way that is probably very foreign.
Andrew 26:13
It is all within us. All the answers are within us, right?
Doug Holt 26:17
Yep, 100%. What else are you seeing around consistency that you think would help the guys listening to this?
Andrew 26:23
It’s probably routines. A lot of people, I’m not a big routine person, I’ll just say that right off the bat. I mean, there’s, like, guys who do their ARs all the time, and that’s great, and it works great for some people. It just, it’s not me, you know, so, but I guess routines could help consistency, because if you’re feeling good, if you’re on top of your game, you’re gonna show up different, right? If you’re waking up and you feel like a bag every morning, you’re not, you’re not gonna, you’re not gonna show up the same way, right? You’re gonna show up the same way for kids, you’re gonna be tired and grumpy and whatever, right? So I think good sleep for one, right? That’s, that’s amazing. And, you know, maybe some people less alcohol, don’t drink as much, right? And there’s, there’s, there’s a lot of things that will help consistency, right? Yep, 100%. The gym, just in general, makes you feel better, right? Some people need it more than others, and just get that, you know, get that stress off, right? Other people meditate, you know.
Doug Holt 27:13
Commit to it, right? No, you’re good, I’m with you. Just commit to it and be in the conversation. That’s one thing that I’ve learned over my years, is whatever I want to learn, or whatever I want to envelop around me. So one of the things I pride myself in and want to continue to do is to be a great father. I think I am, I think I am a great father, I know I am. And so I know I become a better father when I surround myself with good fathers, like men that not only do the work, but also talk about it. Sure. So when I’m in the conversation, it’s the forefront of my mind. And so if you want to be a good husband, a good father, a good businessman, if you want to be a great businessman, what’s the best thing to do? Surround yourself with other great businessmen, right?
Andrew 28:04
So, by default, just being in this group, being around these men who are doing the work, right? You're going to keep raising the bar, no matter what. I mean, you have to find your own way of doing the work and, you know, the consistency part of it. But just hearing the stories, you know, you're growing. It's amazing, right?
Doug Holt 28:20
It is. It reminds me, when I was 21, maybe 22, I was one of the head trainers at Gold's Gym back in Santa Barbara, California. People would sign up for personal training, and they're like, “I always quit.” And, you know, these are the excuses. And I said, “Look, you don't have to work out. You don’t want to work out? Don’t work out. All you have to do is check into the gym. Just scan your card.” But once you go to the gym and scan your card because I’ll look at the scan logs you turn around and walk out, go home, no big deal. And people look at me dumbfounded. Guess what happens when people do that? They walk into the gym, they scan their card. Guess how many people turn around and walk back out to the parking lot? None, right? They made that initial effort showing up.
So, the reason I bring that up is, find the smallest thing that allows you to be consistent. The smallest thing. Because that small step usually leads to another one, then another one, then another. That’s why the ARs work so well for so many men. You’re getting grounded, you’re doing a ritual. For a lot of guys, all of a sudden their wife’s like, “Wait a minute, what are you doing? Why are you working on yourself?” And that brings intrigue, right?
Andrew 29:28
So, what would you say for someone that’s in a 30-year marriage? Say they’ve been married 30 years, you know, it’s a little more, you know, they’re coming home. What would be a tool for their consistency? Because, you know, the typical thing they have their routines. I mean, they may have new routines that they’re starting, but the old routines are so prevalent, like you said before, right? So, you know, short of, I mean, you could buy your wife flowers every here or there, something simple to, you know, change the mood. But maybe it’s just a quick check-in, like just your first goal when you see her give two minutes to immediate presence, right? I don’t know, I mean, what would you think?
Doug Holt 30:03
So, what I would do is it’s a bigger question because it would be individualistic but I would have a guy coming home from work, in that scenario, do a decompression routine and an anchoring routine in the car ride home. That has to happen. Because it’s not the flowers that you bring home that she’s like, “Oh,” it’s the fact that you thought of her and took time to do something. You could write a post-it note, you could do a lot of things. Flowers are just easy, right? You go to a store, you spend money, they give you something, you give it to her. It has nothing to do with that or a ring, or what have you but it’s the energetic state you show up in.
A lot of men, businessmen especially stressed, anxious, you know, they’ve had a long day, decision fatigue it’s been a long day. “I’m gonna come home, sit on the couch, pour a cocktail. I don’t want to talk about it or maybe I do whatever. I’m gonna unload all these problems on my wife because she’s my best friend. ‘Here you go, you know what happened at work? George was such an asshole!’”
So, instead of doing that, use your decompression routine. Let it go. You’re switching roles. You’re going from business tycoon, businessman, whatever, to the role of lover not just husband, but lover and find a way to do it. Could be music. There are tons of anchoring techniques that I’ll teach people. We have to figure out what the anchor is and what we’re trying to achieve, but do that on the way home. So when you come into the house, you come in with the energy that you want. And guess who’s gonna respond to that, regardless of gifts? Your wife.
Andrew 31:41
What’s coming up for me is the energy of wanting to see her, actually like having that glow around you that you truly want to see her. Not that you’re just trying to show her that you want to see her, but you do want to see her. You haven’t seen your wife all day.
Doug Holt 31:55
Reminds me of a story I heard way back when this is probably my early 30s. This guy was relating something similar to what you’re saying. He was working from home, I think he was writing a book or something, and he was in deep thought, right? The dog was next to him, and his wife knocks on his door and walks in. He’s out of flow now, like, “What?” She’s like, “Oh, I just had a question about this.” He’s like, “I’m focusing, I’m busy.” So she shuts the door and leaves.
He kind of felt bad, but it happened a couple times, and he noticed his wife was starting to get distant at the end of his workdays. Then he noticed something else every time his wife walked into the room, the dog got up and wagged his tail. Even if the wife only walked away for 30 seconds and came back, the dog was right there, like, “Oh, so good to see you!” That kind of dog energy.
And that’s when he realized, “If I was more like the dog…” Because the dog was getting what he wanted the affection, the attention. The wife would go down, pet the dog, talk to the dog, and do all the things he wanted her to do. The dog was just showing love and desire.
Andrew 33:05
You know, it brings up for me with my ex-wife, she used to, every time she’d leave work, she’d call me on the phone, right? And she was a teacher, so it was 2:15, 2:30 in the middle of my day, and sometimes I’d be like, “Hey, you know, quick answer, like, hey, I’m on a call, I’ll call you back,” right? And I did that time and time again. At the beginning, I would talk to her a lot, and I did, I spent a lot of time talking, then just got busy, right? Guess what? I got what I asked for. She stopped calling me, right? And that was the beginning of the end of a relationship. It was me just not paying attention to the signs of what she needed. I could have taken five minutes out of my day and just said, “Hey, how was your day?” Right? It was a simple thing. Yep. And do it.
Doug Holt 33:44
It's a great lesson. And remember, it's for all of us. You know, I know when I got married, Andrew, I thought I checked the box. Cool, got that done. Now I'm gonna go build the businesses, and then we can have the dream house and the dream this. Meanwhile, my wife was like, “Whoa, I thought we’d get married, we’d hang out all the time, we’d spend time.” I was working the whole time, you know, building the empire in my mind. And so that was a disconnect of not knowing. Today, when I left for the ranch from my house, my wife was just following me around, hanging around. I turned around and go, “What do you need?” I was busy, I was on business calls, walking around as I was packing, and she goes, “I just need us to be connected before you leave.” I go, “Cool.” I went down, sat on the couch with her, spent some time just chatting. You know, unfortunately, she wanted to have some intimacy before I left. I didn’t have time for it. Life is bad. But that’s it, right? It’s listening to those things. And I could do a better job of that for sure. Like you said, the phone call I’m so short on the phone.
Andrew 34:51
But you know, the funny thing is, like, she needed that. She needed that connection before you left, but you actually needed it too, 100%, because you’re stepping into this, and this is gonna be a heavy week, right? I mean, you’ve done a million of them, but you needed it.
Doug Holt 35:03
Well, I probably needed it the most, because, I mean, TPM is a movement. We’re a coaching company that helps men, but like any company, things go wrong, right? Or at least not the way I want them to go. And so I was in a two-hour conversation on the phone, talking about stuff, getting ready for our annual leadership meeting, planning 2026, where we want to go. There are all these moving pieces that suddenly shook apart, and I needed to put them back together in this phone call. And so I was doing that. And I’m sure she could feel that frantic energy, sure, of that all happening which is an amazing thing. Now, old Doug, right, would have been like, “Why is she so needy? Doesn’t she realize how much work I have on my plate? And I’m gonna go leave now, and me leaving means I’m providing for my family so she can do all the stuff that she wants to do. Why is she so selfish?” I totally would. Now I’m just like, “Wow, how awesome is it? She’s taking care of the kids so I can go live my dream of helping men.”
Andrew 36:07
Also, knowing your wife and knowing her methods, right? She probably knew that you needed it. She was like, “I gotta bring him down.”
Doug Holt 36:15
I’m sure she did. Like I said, I’m sure she was reading the room. It was mutual, right? She strives for connection. Sure. I always say for intimacy to happen, typically a woman needs to be connected before they’ll desire sex like, really want intimate sex with a man. Men, oftentimes, at least for me, I should say, I get more connected during and after sex. I feel more connected to my wife. So we’ll actually do a practice when both of us aren’t connected. I’m like, “Ah, all right, we need to go have sex.” Like, it’s a, “We need to go do this thing.” And both of us afterward are like, “Ah.” And so the same thing happens in long-term relationships, right? Long-term marriages. My wife and I had to consciously dump the stories that we had about each other and start rewriting them. And that starts with taking ownership too. I have to take ownership of my frantic energy and how that applies around the household. When I’m on the phone, walking around, talking, figuring things out, there are complex problems while I’m packing, while the kids are shuffling around, right? These things get to happen at the same time, but the energetic state I choose which I choose to do it with you know, that’s my choice.
Andrew 37:36
And it goes back to the consistency piece, right? Like you just said, intimacy makes you feel connected. Me, I’m more connected with anyone ever, and I feel like, okay, right? You know, now you get these guys in long-term relationships, and they’re craving that intimacy because they want to feel that way again, right? But they put in the effort, and then they don’t, and so you’re never gonna get what you want, because you’re not consistent enough to bring it to where they feel, “Oh, wow, this is not just a fad. He’s not just doing this for a couple of weeks. This is his new identity,” as you said before, you know.
Doug Holt 38:07
The thing that’s funny is, knowing the guys that we both know, they are naturally that man when they’re consistent. That’s who they are at their core. What throws them off is the wounded boy. And that’s the work they get to do. That’s that work and the parts work. I’m a big fan of it. Really realizing where it is inside them that these things are coming up, why they’re coming up, and understanding that the things that are coming up were, at one time, like being the nice guy, designed to serve them, right? Keep them safe. And so what a lot of men falter on, in my experience, Andrew, is they hate that version of themselves. They want I hear it all the time “I’m gonna destroy my stick man. He’s never coming back again.” Dude, he’s never going away. So what if you embrace him and allow him to go on vacation? So when he pops up, you’re like, “Dude, I got this.” And your stick man is gonna come up, and you get to let him know that you’re in control. And then, and only then, when you appreciate him, will he go away.
Andrew 39:14
Awesome topic. That’d be a great conversation.
Doug Holt 39:16
You sound surprised. Hey man, I really appreciate you being here. I’m gonna say this a lot while you’re here. I know you’ve left your family, your work, to be here, to hold space, help me out, to help these 12 men, and help these 12 men come through that are coming to the ranch. We have a small group, and I want to say this I apologize. We had a bunch of guys that wanted to also come before the Christmas holiday as we film this. It’ll probably be released afterward. So I apologize to those guys. We keep it at 12 maximum because we can guarantee the result. But thanks for all you’re doing.
Andrew 39:50
Oh, thank you. And what a great time for these guys they’re gonna be coming off this like superheroes going into the holiday season, full of energy. It’s gonna be amazing for them. So happy to be here. I love it.
Doug Holt 40:00
Awesome.
Andrew 40:00
Thank you, brother.
Doug Holt 40:01
Gentlemen, as I always say in the moment of insight, take massive action. And if you find yourself in a long-term relationship or a short-term relationship, all of these strategies apply. It’s just a little easier in the short-term relationship because you don’t have the baggage and the history. But your wounded boy will come out eventually, and her wounded child will come out eventually, unless you deal with it. And when you deal with it and you can do it with a short-term or a long-term relationship you come out as a better man. When you come out as a better man, your stock rises.
And look, guys, you’re not going to want to invest in a stock you think is going down. But ask yourself the question: has your stock gone down since you married your wife in her eyes anyway? And if the answer is yes, and you’re being real with yourself, then this is an opportunity, a call-out, or an awakening to change that and lift that tide. We’ll see you next time on The TPM Show.