Episode #955
Ever feel like you’re walking on eggshells in your marriage? You want your wife to feel emotionally safe, but you also don’t want to lose yourself in the process. So, how do you strike the right balance?
In this episode, we’re breaking down what emotional safety really means for women and how you can create it without becoming someone you’re not. We’ll talk about how to clear the past so old arguments stop coming up, how to communicate in a way that actually lands, and how to stay grounded when things get tough.
We’re also tackling a big question: how do you lead at home, at work, and with friends without feeling completely drained? If you’ve ever struggled to set boundaries or find time for yourself, this one’s for you. And for the guys looking to keep date nights fresh, we’ve got some creative ideas to keep things fun and connected.
If you’ve been feeling stuck in your marriage—or just want to step up as a stronger, more confident leader—this episode will give you real, actionable steps to make an immediate impact.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
When people find out what we do, they’re gonna ask a lot of questions. The number one challenge—in fact, I was talking to a counselor who specialized in suicide prevention. We’re bringing him onto the TPM show because suicide’s so prevalent, and we unfortunately lost one of our guys recently, which is absolutely heartbreaking. I just—I want to reach out to as many men as we can. He also happens to be a marriage and family counselor, and I started telling him about our philosophies, and he was like, “Holy cow.” He’s like, “The number one thing, eventually, it always comes down to relationships, right? Even when it’s with suicide, it’s the relationship you…”
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM show. If you haven’t listened to the previous two episodes, we’re taking your questions and doing our best to answer those here on the show. So, Chris once again is joining us. Chris, as I like to call him, is one of our advisors over at TPM.
So, what’s an advisor? Well, an advisor is somebody who, once you go through the application process, you will actually talk to—someone like Chris—to see if TPM is a good fit for you. Yes, we do have an application process, guys. We’re looking for great guys, probably like yourselves. If you’re here, you’re probably going to qualify to come into the program—one of the programs that we have.
Now, we’re going to take your questions. So, the way we get your questions is – Men on the app—so, men that already have access to the TPM app. First of all, you are the lucky few. We will be opening this up to greater numbers in the near future. Emailing into VIP@thepowerfulman.com—Very Important Person—like VIP@thepowerfulman.com. Put your questions in there. We do have a free Facebook group, which is monitored by a couple of our advisors and coaches. We’re trying our best to achieve our mission of helping men all over the world.
So today, we’re going to take a couple more of your questions—two or three—and see if we can do our best to answer those. Chris, thanks for being here again, man.
Chris 2:03
Absolutely, Doug.
Doug Holt 2:04
Glad we were able to talk you into sticking around.
Chris 2:08
For sure. Yeah, this is super fun, so I love it. Okay, jump in. I don’t have a name for this question, but it did come out of our Facebook group. So, “I keep hearing about emotional safety, but man, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. How do I actually make my wife feel safe while still being authentic and not some fake version of myself?”
Doug Holt 2:30
Triad of connection? So that’s the easiest thing. In The Activation Method for Relationships, what we’re doing in that program is—it’s a short program—and during that time period, we’re teaching men how to become activated. One of the tools that we give them, well, it’s a series of tools, but we call it the Triad of Connection. So first and foremost, all women need to feel safe. That’s just a byproduct. Now, do I mean physically safe? Well, yeah, but I’m talking about emotional safety. Once they feel safe, which to me should be a base layer—now, this is me. I didn’t understand this previously, and this is where I screwed up big time, Chris. Then, once they feel safe, they need to be seen, heard, and desired.
How do we do that? That’s where the triad comes in. So the first thing we do is use a process called the Clean Slate Method. Now, in the Clean Slate Method, what that allows somebody to do is wipe the slate clean. Now, I don’t know about you, but previously in my marriage with Erin, I remember she’d bring up the same problem over and over and over again. I’d be like, “How many friggin’ times do we have to hear the same thing? I apologized! Like, what the heck, right? What do you need from me, blood? Come on.” Yeah, well, I didn’t wipe the slate clean. So the Clean Slate Method allows you to start from scratch. It’s a methodology that allows you to put a line in the sand—or in the concrete, really—and say, “You know what? We are starting Marriage 2.0, if you will.” And that was a huge game changer for Erin and me in our marriage—having that. So once you have the slate clean, now you can see each other. You know, before, you feel like roommates. Now you’re kind of like, “Okay, I can see you. I see your side of things.”
Then we go into The Hidden Motives Technique, right? That’s the third thing. So the way I look at this, Chris, is think of scales—like the scales of justice—where they’re weighted on one side or the other. What happens over time is, when you first start dating, right, the scales are tipped dramatically in your favor. Everything you say is funny. You know, I always joke, like, you can fart, and she laughs, right? Yep, everything’s great. Then, over time, you get married, and then you have a couple of kids and work, and those little things—you’re leaving the toilet seat up, she’s getting mad, the trash isn’t taken out, she’s tired, you’re tired. And those little things, sarcasm, start to tip out of your favor. Over time, you start to realize, “Wait a minute, our marriage is sexless. I feel like I have a roommate with a ring, or we’re not even passionate about each other anymore.”
The scales are so tipped out of your favor that you could take your wife on a vacation—like, “Okay, I’m gonna take her to Bora Bora or someplace”—and you get there, and you’re fighting. And you’re like, “What the heck? This is ridiculous.” Well, that’s because the scales are so tipped away from you. What the Clean Slate Method does is bring the scales back to parallel, to even. Now, the problem is, most men want to stop there because it feels so refreshing to not be fighting all the time, right? To be in neutral. But as I always say, you deserve more than average, and I believe that. So what the Hidden Motives Technique does is allow you to tip the scales back in your favor, so your wife can feel seen, heard, and desired again. Once we get to that point, that feels amazing for most men. So this is really a methodology that we teach them, and we’ve done a whole course on that.
In fact, we have a course that guys can enroll in that teaches this at a very deep level, called Rekindling Connection. We don’t advertise it. It’s something that, if men need it, we just try to help guys out. So guys, if you’re interested, talk to an advisor, get in the Rekindling Connection course. It’s not very much. There’s a small fee associated with it—I can’t remember what it is—but it gives you this idea, and it really talks about the Hidden Motives Technique in a deep way, so men can start using it right away. And now your wife—like, all of a sudden, you’re communicating in her language. Because in most marriages, like for Erin and me, I thought I was speaking English, and she was speaking Russian back to me. And I don’t speak Russian, so we were missing each other, and she didn’t understand my English. So, for whatever reason, the Hidden Motives Technique is like a translator that allows your wife to—she’s like—”All of a sudden, he gets me. He sees me.” And so now she’s feeling very safe. And for women, if they’re not feeling seen or heard or desired, but feeling seen or heard, they’re not gonna feel safe, right? They’re gonna feel very protected in their shell.
So now we have the scales tipped in your favor. That’s good, but not good enough for what we want to do because we want them permanently pushed in your favor. And that’s where the third part of the triad comes in, and we call that the Live Like a King system. And within that system, that allows you to stay grounded in your masculine so when she does go to test you—a safety test, or what have you—you’re able to stay in that realm, thus providing her the emotional safety. She’s like, “Okay, my man—I don’t trigger him.” Because what most guys don’t get—or at least I didn’t get during this time—is when Erin would test me, consciously or unconsciously, and I would go into DEER mode, which is an acronym that you know. But if they’re new to the show, it’s Defend, Excuse, Explain, React—DEER. Defend, Excuse, Explain, React.
I was great at the reaction part, right? So my wife would test me. I’d react like, “Oh, what do you mean now? What do you mean I’m always late?” And then I’d go, and then I’d explain, “I’m not always late. This is happening…” Well, when I do that, I’m proving to her that she has more emotion—she can pull my chain, essentially, emotionally. But what happens subconsciously for the woman? She’s like, “Aha. If I—at 130 pounds—can tip you over and get you to react, what about the guy that’s 240 down the street that’s working like you? How are you going to protect me from that guy?” So they don’t feel safe.
So we use those three things—the Triad of Connection, and I talk a lot about it in the book, right? So we wrote a book on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It: A Man’s Guide. In fact, we’re doing a promotion coming up. So guys, if you want that book for free, I will mail it to you. Just pay shipping. That’s all I ask. I’ll buy the book—I have to buy it from the publisher too. I’ll buy you a book, you pay shipping, and I’ll mail it out to you. Go to thepowerfulman.com/freebook—that’s where it should be, right? thepowerfulman.com/freebook—and I’ll mail you a book. It breaks down exactly what I’m talking about in much more detail.
But once you have those three things going—right? The Triad of Connection, so that’s the Clean Slate Method, the Hidden Motives Technique, and the Live Like a King System—which I know is going to sound confusing to everybody—so get the book. Once you have those, then you have emotional safety, yeah? And you really have a harmonious home at that point, which has got to be the best thing.
Chris 9:29
Absolutely, yeah. And if somebody is struggling to find the website for the book, they can also just email in, and we’ll make sure that they get it.
Doug Holt 9:37
Yeah. So Chris’s team, the advisors, they manage the VIP@thepowerfulman.com account. So just do that, and they’ll just send you the link. Or, if you’re driving right now, I’ll put it in the show notes down below, so you can just click the link, go out, and fill in your information. Again, I’ll buy it. I’ll pay for the book itself—I have to buy it from the publisher as well, guys—but I’ll pay. I’m willing to buy that book and mail it out. We’ll mail it out directly here from the TPM ranch. Just pay for shipping. That’s all I ask.
Chris 10:06
This one’s from James. How do I find balance when I not only have my wife and kids coming to me to lead, but also when friends and family start calling, looking for guidance and leadership? I’m struggling to do this without being overwhelmed.
Doug Holt 10:27
I get it, man. At any given time, I have a couple thousand guys trying to get a hold of me and ask questions. And I get it—going to barbecues, people find out what we do, right? For a living, Chris, you and I happen to live in the same town, which is fantastic, but when people find out what we do, they’re going to ask a lot of questions.
The number one challenge—in fact, I was talking to a counselor who specialized in suicide prevention. We’re bringing him onto the TPM show because suicide is so prevalent, and we unfortunately lost one of our guys recently, which is absolutely heartbreaking. I just—I want to reach out to as many men as we can. He also happens to be a marriage and family counselor, and I started telling him about our philosophies, and he was like, “Holy cow.” He’s like, “The number one thing—eventually, it always comes down to relationships, right? Even when it’s with suicide, it’s the relationship.”
So I was explaining what we do, and the guy was amazed. It’ll be fun to talk to him. The reason I bring that up is we need to work on those relationships each and every time. And how do you do so? That’s really the crux of the issue.
And I already forgot the question.
Chris 11:39
So, yeah, just being in your position, I find this as well—there are always people that are showing up looking for some level of guidance, questions, whatever it is, and it can get overwhelming. I mean, I’ve certainly experienced that. It feels like a lot of pressure.
Doug Holt 11:56
It does. And excuse me, guys, I’m fighting a cold, so I didn’t sleep well.
So, yeah, the key is boundaries, right? I’m guessing this person—and I can certainly tell you for myself—I love being in that position of helping people. I love it. I feel like it’s my calling. So you have to set boundaries.
One, you can’t help everybody. Two, you’ve got to fill your cup first.
One of the first things we teach the guys in The Activation Method is this concept of pouring from an empty cup versus a full cup. As men, we want to be heroes. We want to be Superman. We want to save everybody. And most of the guys we work with, Chris, as you know, they’re the kind of guys that are like, “Shirt off my back, I’ll give it to you.” You know, “I’m not cold here. If you’re cold, take my jacket.” And then they’ll be over there shivering.
And what happens? What happened to me—I was talking about my story—I was running three companies, and I was running around helping all my staff out. Anybody that needed help—”You need help moving? I was there. You need this? I was there.” And I’d run myself ragged.
People would ask, “Do you need anything, Doug?”
“Nope, I got it. I’ll take care of it.”
I’d take care of whatever needed to be taken care of—any of the businesses. I was at Rotary functions back then, I was in Santa Barbara, whatever it was. Eventually, I burned out. And then when I burned out, I looked around and thought, Where is everybody? Why aren’t people taking care of me? Which then turned to resentment. So ironic, right? And I started recognizing I was creating this pattern here. I was running around, pouring from—if you can imagine—a cup of water sitting on my chest, pouring into other people all the time, not allowing anybody to pour into me, and not filling that cup up.
Then I’d get burned out, and I’d be like, Hey, pour into me!—and nobody would be around. Not because they didn’t want to. Just because I created the circumstances. So what we teach men to do is pour into their cup first. Imagine how much more effective I would have been if I had figured this out at an earlier age. I was in a great position to help more people. I could have run around helping people while filling my cup at the same time. I would have avoided burnout. I would have avoided resentment. Which—when you resent somebody—they can feel it.
So you don’t burn down those bridges. But part of filling my own cup would be setting boundaries. One thing I’ve done—or am doing—and I got this from somebody else, I don’t remember who it is—but here in Sisters, even where we live in Oregon, there have got to be at least 20 people that, at any given time, want to get a beer or something. And that’s just to hang out. And I love that—these are great people. So, what I’m going to start doing is a weekly ruck. You know, wear a heavy backpack and go, “Hey, love to get together. Let’s do a ruck—go for an hour—and then we can go down and grab a beer if you want to grab a beer.”
That way, one guy could show up, or 20 guys could show up. And that’d be a way for me to fill my cup. So I’m doing something with fitness, which is the journey I’m on. Two, I’m hanging out with cool people. And three, I’m having great conversations while also protecting my time.
Chris 15:02
Yeah, I love that. And keep in mind, with boundaries, it can be really easy to also resent when someone maybe is pushing on you harder. You’ve got to understand that’s their role, because they’re teaching you how to set boundaries.
That was the mechanism that took me a minute to land on—where, like, I’m trying to set a boundary with somebody, but it felt like I was being pushed on or even pulled on. And recognizing, still, that’s me. That’s me learning how to actually effectively communicate or whatever it looks like to set that boundary.
Doug Holt 15:38
Hey guys, sorry to interrupt this episode. But the reality is, if you are watching or listening to this right now, then you are looking to better yourself, and I applaud you. You’re one of my people, and I want to give you the opportunity of taking massive action. So if you haven’t joined The Activation Method yet—it’s our flagship program—do what thousands of other businessmen just like you have done and take action. Be one of the one percenters that actually does the work and takes action. There’ll be a link in the description that’ll take you right to a page that’ll just give you more information. There is no obligation. Just go check it out and see if it’s a good fit for you. All right, let’s get back to this episode.
You could ask me—I’m just trying to make this up on the fly—but you could ask me, “Hey Doug, I need to sit down with you, and I want to do another podcast,” as an example, or one of the shows. And I can say, “Ah, now I can’t do it.” But then you could also come back with new information, like, “Hey, we recently have had a—again, I’m making this up—we’ve recently had a guy who’s going through situation X, Y, and Z, and we want to help him.” Well, with that new information, I go, “All right, Chris, that’s a priority for me. Let me change something for that.”
And also, something I want to say is, what I see a lot of people have problems with when setting boundaries is that they’re not actually boundaries, right? And I know I’m kind of talking against my last point—I realize that—but you need to have firm boundaries. Once people realize that you have firm boundaries, they change.
So, we’re an international company. I live on the West Coast of the United States. My business partner, Tim, lives in the UK. So, 8 AM my time is 4 PM Tim’s time. I used to get up at four in the morning—I did naturally—and I would get on calls and be there, and I found myself being run down, a little more resentful. I stopped doing my morning routines, my Alpha Rise and Shine, all of these things that I was doing. So, I was like, “Oh man, but if I say I’m not taking calls until eight, I lose most of the day with our European counterparts, right? So, I can’t do that.”
Well, then I set a boundary. “Hey guys, I’m not taking any meetings before eight, unless it’s an emergency. I’m just not doing it.” Well, the first week or two, people are still trying to schedule meetings, right? Like, “Hey, you know, Doug, sorry, I really need to talk to you. 6 AM Pacific Time, 2 PM UK, the only time I can make it work. Can you make a change here?”
If I say yes, I’m training them that my time is malleable. My boundaries are malleable, right? If I say no—”Sorry, I’ve got to do after eight”—then guess what? Three weeks into it, nobody’s requesting a time before eight because they just know, Doug doesn’t meet before eight.
And what you’ll find is—and this is a little bit different than the question, but it’s about boundaries—is that all of a sudden, other people’s schedules start to open up. Like, where they once said, “I can’t do anything after 8 AM, Doug,” now, I say, “Okay, I can’t do anything before.”
“Sorry, this is not going to work out.”
I can almost guarantee you the next thing I’ll hear is, “Well, on Thursday, I could do 9 AM,” you know, or something along those lines.
But you have to have your boundaries firm, and then you get to train people how to be in a relationship with you or relate to your boundaries and explain why you have them.
So, for this gentleman, if he’s got all these people looking for his leadership, that’s freaking awesome. That’s a gift. What a privilege. But he also gets to set those boundaries, like, “Hey, I don’t answer my phone past 6 PM.”
Personally, I don’t answer mine when I’m with my family—I just don’t.
So, he gets to train them on why, and then go, “Hey, look, the reason is, I eat my own cooking, right? I tell the guys to be with their families at night, and so I’m making sure I’m with my family at night. No disrespect to you, but I have to take care of home base first.”
Chris 19:29
Yeah, I love that. You have to teach people how to be in a relationship with you.
Doug Holt 19:35
Yeah.
Chris 19:36
Yeah, that took me a minute to learn, and it’s a very valuable lesson, especially if you have people showing up, wanting your help.
Doug Holt 19:43
Yeah, yeah. I mean, you also gotta train your partner like, “Don’t disrespect me. Don’t disrespect me in public. Don’t talk bad behind my back.” Like, you wouldn’t think you’d have to train certain people, but if they didn’t grow up in that household, if they didn’t grow up in that environment, you need to let them know, like, “Hey, this is something that’s not tolerable.” And you’ll radiate that energy over time. People will just know, getting a chance to meet you, like, “Hey, this person has respect for themselves and their boundaries.” And you’ll probably get more people trying to reach out to you because that’s—it’s attractive, if you will. And again, they’ll also respect the boundaries because that’s something they’re trying to achieve as well.
Chris 20:19
Absolutely. One more?
Doug Holt 20:21
Let’s do one more.
Chris 20:22
Okay, this comes from Derek: “How do you keep fresh perspectives and new ideas coming for date nights, adventures, doing things together? At times, I feel like I’m trying to reinvent the wheel and find new ways to do similar activities. Maybe just some additional ideas or inspirations on things to explore, just to try to keep date nights fun. I’m not out of ideas, but I’d love to have some new fun ways.”
Doug Holt 20:49
Love it. Derek, I don’t know if you’re in our community, our private community, or not, but the guys used to have a thread of date night ideas. And so, the idea was, you know, I go on a date night, if it’s a success, I post about it so you can look at it, and you do the same, right? And now imagine you’ve got hundreds of men doing this—lots of creative ideas. I was going through there thinking, Man, that’s a good idea. I’ll take that one. Write it down. Oh wow, that’s a good one.
That’s the best way of doing it, right? Crowdsource those ideas. So if you are on our app in our private community, guys, let’s get that going again. Let’s get that thread going for date night ideas.
If you’re not, then I would recommend emailing VIP@thepowerfulman.com and downloading the Date Night Cheat Sheet. That’s going to give you some date night ideas that might spice things up. You may not want to do one, but it might stimulate an idea for something else. Not as good as crowdsourcing, because crowdsourcing is going to ask a lot of questions—you get more ideas coming through.
The third thing I think is important that I’ve really learned is you don’t have to knock it out of the park every time. You know, sometimes movie night in, or changing it to a picnic in, can be just as good. So sometimes my wife and I, as an example, for date night, we’re like, “You know what? We’ve been tired. It’s been a long week. Let’s just stay in and be together.” Or, “Let’s just go for a walk.”
Typically, we like to do active things and schedule intimacy at the same time—we’ve got young kids, so our date nights are like, “Yes, let’s go!” And sadly—maybe not sadly—it’s not our whole date night, so we have something else to do, but we’ll find a groove of things that we just like. So it doesn’t have to be as spicy.
There’s a previous podcast where we talked about icebreaker questions. You can include those and create a theme for your date night, right? You’re going to do salsa dancing? Go to a Mexican restaurant, and I don’t know, do something else—go for a drive. There are a lot of ideas.
Instead of me just throwing out 100 ideas that I’ve seen work for men, I’d rather go with the “teach how to fish” type thing. And I do think crowdsourcing is key. Guys in our Facebook group—that’s a free group out there—you need to start a thread in there too and get as many ideas as possible.
Chris 23:19
And I know Derek is in the Facebook group, so I think that’s a great place to start. Just throw a post up and get that going, and I’ll be happy to hop on there and contribute. I’ve got some great ideas, having moved into an entirely new location. We’ve had to get pretty creative with how we spend our time, and there are way more things to do out here—at least new things. So I’ll add some stuff to it also.
Doug Holt 23:43
Yeah, I’d love to see—I want to see what you’re doing too, because the funny thing I know is the women talk too, right? Yeah, it’s hilarious. Once the women in the community work out in my garage, which I’ve converted into a gym (as I’ve talked about on the show) for these women—my wife, it’s her community, if you will—I walk by there to get a cup of coffee because our garage is attached to our house, and I can hear them just gabbing away.
And I’ve worked out with them many times, and they’re talking, and they definitely talk about if their husband’s taking them out, what they’re doing. So I’d love to know because eventually, your wife’s gonna talk to my wife, and I gotta make sure you’re not beating me. No competition, Chris, but I think that’s the key here, right? Getting creative, having the theme, but also realizing you don’t have to knock it out of the park.
I think if you have genuine sincerity—at least from my wife and me, and I hear this from guys all the time—you’re out to have a good time. Also, do what you want, right? A lot of guys try so hard to plan what their wife wants, they end up doing stuff that they don’t necessarily want to do. Hey, every once in a while, that’s okay. But if you do something you’re truly excited about or interested in and take her along the journey with you, odds are you’re gonna have a good time.
Yeah, absolutely. And stay curious. Stay curious. Curious.
I love it. Love that theme. Love that, Chris. Love having you here, man. Thanks for taking the time. Thanks for coming back and sticking around this long.
Yeah, thanks, man.
Gentlemen, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Get the date night book, right? There’s a Date Night Cheat Sheet. Excuse me—get the free book. There are lots of opportunities here for you guys to grow, lots of free resources for you guys to jump into.
If you’re like, “Hey, I want to talk to an advisor like Chris or maybe one of our other advisors,” go over to thepowerfulman.com, go through the application process. Or if you want to just leapfrog that, email in at VIP@thepowerfulman.com and just say, “Hey, I want to talk to an advisor.”
If all of our advisors are as cool as Chris, you definitely want to do so. And they are—all great men and women in there. So talk to one of our advisors and just see if it’s the right fit for you. If it’s not the right fit, what they’re going to do is give you resources to help you with your specific situation. These guys want to be here. They’re on the mission with us within the movement to help more men like you.
So, gentlemen, your life is not meant for average, and I want you to take that action—whatever that looks like for you—but just do something.
We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
