Episode # 1157
Being yourself matters. But if the way you're communicating keeps creating conflict, it may be time to change how you deliver your message, not who you are.
In this Ask Me Anything episode, Doug Holt answers real questions from men navigating marriage, rebuilding trust, parenting challenges, and personal growth. Through honest coaching conversations, Doug shares practical insights on how small changes in communication and leadership can create lasting transformation at home.
You'll hear stories from men at different stages of their journey, from rebuilding a marriage after years of struggle to learning how to communicate more effectively with a spouse and children. The common thread is simple. Real change starts when you're willing to take ownership and keep showing up.
In this episode, you'll learn:
• Why being authentic doesn't mean saying everything that comes to mind
• What your wife may really mean when she says, "You haven't changed"
• How to rebuild trust after years of hurt and disappointment
• Why taking ownership creates emotional safety in your relationship
• How to avoid complacency once your marriage starts improving
• Why personal growth is a lifelong journey, not a finish line
If you're looking for practical relationship advice for men, wondering how to improve communication with your wife, rebuild trust after conflict, or become a stronger leader at home, this episode offers real coaching you can apply right away.
The biggest takeaway is this. You don't need to become a different man. You need to become a better version of the man you already are, one choice, one conversation, and one day at a time.
Get the free training that shows you why your relationship feels stuck and what you can do to rebuild connection, respect, and intimacy. Watch it now at https://thepowerfulman.com/scales
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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
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Doug Holt 0:00
"What I'm doing right now ain't working."
Albert 0:02
It's not in the cards, because you require more.
Doug Holt 0:06
But when I own it, she gives me more grace. I screw up all the time. You're gonna keep screwing up, and your wife screws up all the time. "I'm scared to open it up again, because I don't want to get hurt again." You don't go to the gym, get in good shape, and go, "Cool. I'm done." You show up, because most people don't show up. The journey for almost every man who's kind of, quote, "made it" and anyone I've met has never been easy.
Doug Holt 0:41
Awesome. Welcome back, guys. I'm super excited about this. It is one of our first AMAs in a very long time. So, in the chat, go ahead and just raise your hand if you have a question, and I'll just kind of call on you guys one-on-one, bring you in, and we'll have a conversation. Albert, what's happening, man? Good to see you again.
Albert 1:00
Amazing days, amazing days.
Doug Holt 1:03
I love that. I love that.
Albert 1:05
It's summertime, like you said mass load of kids and a mass load of things.
Doug Holt 1:10
Yep, all great stuff. Remember, as kids, we used to look forward to summertime. It's like the thing to look forward to.
Albert 1:17
I look forward to school being back in.
Doug Holt 1:20
How it changes, right? How it changes.
Albert 1:23
I had this question that just kind of actually came up not a couple days ago, but there's this recurring comment that happens that I've noticed throughout relationships of my wife, every so often, will say, "Why do you always have a comment about everything?" And I have been thinking about that for like the last three days. And in your opinion, why do we always have a comment about everything? It's kids' life, you know? Like why why does what is that?
Doug Holt 1:52
Yeah, that's a great question. Not everybody has a comment about everything, but certainly a lot of people have opinions about things coming through, right? And there's nothing wrong with having an opinion. But what I want to know, what I'm curious about is: do you think your wife is really asking you that question, "Why do you always have an opinion?" or do you think she's trying to communicate something else underneath that?
Albert 2:15
Oh, I'm sure it's something else underneath that, because this is always this this thing is always centered around kids. I have five of them, so you know, there's there's always something. And in particular, has dealt with my daughter, because her and I are in that struggle phase. I mean, we're straightforward, open, and loving, and all that, but we are definitely... what I say comes around too harsh on a 16-year-old, too straightforward.
And so, Michelle and I came to an agreement, and she's openly active with it: I tell her how I feel about things with that, or she can ask me, but ultimately I'll let her answer and manage our daughter, so that way I can learn to be better in some ways. I'm not going to check out of that, so trying to figure out a way to compromise it, I guess.
Doug Holt 3:21
So, here's what's interesting, right? We started this conversation with, "Why do we have opinions?" and it went to, "It's always around the kids," and then with one kid child in particular, which is great, which means you're having awareness around the situation. And so, your wife's Michelle, I believe you said, right?
Albert 3:36
Yes.
Doug Holt 3:37
So if I was sitting down Michelle and I go, we meet, we're grabbing a cup of coffee, just chit-chatting, and I ask her, like, "What is it about Albert that triggers you, bugs you about the way he communicates about the kids?" she would say...
Albert 3:53
The shit that comes out of my mouth.
Doug Holt 3:58
That's fair.
Albert 4:01
Just, you know, just just, that's just it. Like, toning back.
Doug Holt 4:07
Is it? Did you feel you're being too assertive? Do you think, or too aggressive, too off-putting?
Albert 4:13
As I've said before, I am I'm just blah straight. I'm me, I'm forward, you know, and learning to not dim my light, but dial what comes out of my mouth back, being cognizant. So, that's that's really where I've been working, and I know that's what part of this is. So
Doug Holt 4:38
Yep. Well, I had some good news for you, but we'll get there, all right. So, first of all, I want to credit you, because I remember last time we talked, you turned your marriage completely around by applying different ways of being and different skills, right? And so, yeah, you've completely changed things in your world. Part of that changes how you chose to deliver the authentic you, right? You made some conscious decisions of saying, "Hey, what I'm doing right now ain't working," so... right? And I've been there, bro. So, no
Albert 5:11
That that was that was the gist. When she said, "I'm done," and I go... I mean, literally, I looked at her, took a deep breath, and said, "Fuck, I am the problem."
Doug Holt 5:22
And I did the same, man. So, I get it. And so, what I want to talk to you about is what you chose to do, which most men don't: is you took action, said, "Hey, the things that I'm doing today aren't getting me the results that I want, right?"
So, it would be like a guy going, "Hey, I need to lose 100 pounds," and then looking around, going, "You know what? I'm still going to keep eating pizza and drinking beer all day." That would be insane. We look at that guy and go, "Dude, what are you thinking? This is obviously not not going to work for you." And you did the same thing; it just wasn't pizza and beer, it was just the way that you were showing up in your marriage.
So, I share all this with you because I know you're also on a quest to be the authentic version of you, which I love, right? And you deserve that, and everybody deserves to be the authentic version of them. So, I'm a steak eater. Do you like steak?
Albert 6:15
Yes.
Doug Holt 6:15
Yeah. Okay, so imagine going into the nicest steakhouse in the world it's you and me. We're going in there, and I've had the pleasure, because I travel a lot, of being able to do some of these things. And you sit down, they put the napkin in your lap, right? They got the plate, the charger, the small plate that's on there. They take those away, you order your steak, and they go, "Albert, sir, I recommend, you know, you get a little bit of butter on this. I recommend the chives," and they're going through the whole presentation.
They come back out and they deliver a hot plate not your steak yet, but a hot plate. Then the waiter comes out, and the steak is on a plate, sizzling. I mean, that thing is sizzling. You can smell the butter, you can smell everything. His arm's behind his back, he delivers the steak and puts it in front of you. The presentation is amazing. It's sizzling. He says, "Sir, enjoy." I'd also recommend... refills your water cup coming in, and you have an amazing meal.
Now, the next day, you say, "You know, I'm gonna have steak again, but I'm traveling." And you go to just an off-the-road country diner, you know? You order a steak, and the waitress has just had a bad friggin' day. We've all been there, right? She doesn't want to be there, she doesn't want you to be there. You order the steak, she goes, she turns around, doesn't ask you how you want it, comes back not too long later, just drops the plate, steak slides off the plate, she picks it up with her fingers, throws it back, and walks away. Same steak, different delivery, therefore different experience. And so, I share that with you. Obviously, that's a weird analogy, but you kind of get it, right?
Albert 7:49
I definitely get it.
Doug Holt 7:51
It's... you can... my point is, you can still be the authentic you in all your relationships, but if you're not getting what you want out of the communication, you can choose to deliver it a different way and still be the authentic you.
Albert 8:06
And that's honestly what I'm journeying with, you know? There's just days where she goes, "You're so sexy till you open your mouth," and then there's other days where it's like, "Yeah, it's," you know, "it's great." And so, and I laugh about it, and I go, "Yeah, I get it."
Doug Holt 8:26
And be playful about it. So, something I would do as a retort there, too, if you like me are on the journey of always bettering yourself which I happen to know enough about you to know that you are then laugh about it just like you did, because you got a great laugh, man, and she's gonna laugh, too. And go, "Babe, this is my journey, right?" And and you can bring her into it, and go, "You know, what'd be super cool is if you notice I'm going off a little bit, just just kind of use the word 'peanut butter,'" you know, get like a code word.
And you know, I'm not gonna... I told my wife this whole time, "I'm not gonna get it always right. I'm just not, all right?" I'm a value I'm not a perfect human, and nobody is. My wife's not, either. But when I own it, she gives me more grace, because she knows I'm working towards that.
Albert 9:16
Yeah, she's... she said that even the other day. She was like, "Oh, you're slowly becoming the man you were."
And I was like... I totally disagree with that. I was like, there's... I'm not even close.
And she goes, "Well, yeah, but you know, you need to work on this."
Okay, cool. You know, she's... obviously there's the safety test in there. But sure, which is just funny. I mean, it's just funny how they bring they, they throw all this stuff. And it's it's it's just fun to be able to take ownership, and then actually apply it, and, and see how the next day is so much better, and the next hour so much better.
Doug Holt 9:59
Brother, how beautiful it is that you have a woman that sees the awesomeness in you, right? So, she's going to call you out if you fall anything short of the amazing man she knows you to be.
Albert 10:11
You ever get to meet my wife, you'll be like, "That woman is a woman that definitely calls." I mean, I love her. She's, yeah, it's been the best thing that's ever best choice I've ever made in my life to continue this, even as hard as it is. Even at times when you're like, in a lot of ways, it'd be so much easier to start over, but it's not what we want, and it's not worth it.
Doug Holt 10:37
And it wouldn't be; we've done it.
Albert 10:44
Oh, we figured I figured that out. That's like, it's... it's not, no. But the idea of trying to train two new puppies versus just being old dogs and training each other is much better.
Doug Holt 10:56
It's easier in a lot of ways, right? It is. Is it as rich? Everybody's different, right? That's the thing, is the richness. But what I love for you, my friend, is each time I've talked to you, is you become a better version of yourself. So, at the end of the day, Albert wins, right?
Albert 11:16
Oh, yes! I win no matter what. Yeah.
Doug Holt 11:18
And that's the beautiful thing. And it's so interesting, is I had a woman tell me, like, "Guys that go through TPM, they're sexist."
I was like, "Huh?" I go, "We love women; that's why we do this work. It's the opposite easier not to. This is this work isn't easy, it's fruitful." I love it. It's not easy, though.
Albert 11:42
No, it's definitely hard. You can't be shallow about your relationships anymore. Now you're holding such a high aspect, you can't just go out there and just be like, "Okay, I'm gonna go have fun." It just... it's not in the cards, because you require more.
Doug Holt 11:57
And you realize that you deserve more, too.
Albert 11:59
I appreciate your time, as always.
Doug Holt 12:01
Awesome, brother. You have an amazing day. Hope to meet your wife sometime.
Albert 12:04
I will.
Doug Holt 12:05
Make it happen.
Albert 12:05
Oh, you will.
Doug Holt 12:06
Okay, brother. Take care. Hey, Joe. How you doing, man?
Joe 12:10
Oh, not bad. Yourself?
Doug Holt 12:11
I am doing great.
Joe 12:13
Kind of new here, so I don't know what's going on. But yeah, our marriage has been rocky for the past many years. Probably started in 2010 really got bad, went off the rails. And that was my fault because and it's going to get deep and dark, I guess because I allowed myself to be in a place I shouldn't have been.
Doug Holt 12:33
Gotcha.
Joe 12:34
Ended up being raped by another guy. And so I hid that, kept it to myself, never told her, because, as men, you know, we are to be, I guess, strong and not allow things like that to happen.
Doug Holt 12:48
It's our perception, right?
Joe 12:49
Right. And this is where it gets really even worse, because I donated blood at Red Cross and they called me in and told me I was HIV positive.
Doug Holt 13:03
Oh, man. Sorry to hear that.
Joe 13:05
And so now, the total trust bond that we did somewhat have is like totally out the window. And it's like, now it's like every argument always goes back to that. I do have a tendency of shouting down and not wanting to argue, because I don't like to fight. I'd rather talk about the issues instead of fighting about it, but she wants to drag everything into it, so it ends up that the arguments always go, "Well, at least I'm not the one that allowed myself to be raped, and I'm not the one that's HIV positive."
So, it's like always slapping me with that. It's like, trying to get her to move past that has been my biggest struggle.
Doug Holt 13:43
I could see that. So, first of all, sorry for what happened to you, man. It's not uncommon that I hear these stories. Unfortunately, been doing this for a long time as I think you know, Joe and coming through there, there's one thing that you said I thought was really interesting: was that the trust is gone from then, and I think that's true, and the trust can be rebuilt from today, and that's the difference that most men miss, right? You can't go back to the old marriage, if you will. In my experience, right and I've worked with thousands of men, and I used to coach women but you can start from today, right? You can start with a line in the sand.
We teach during The Activation Method, which is our core eight-week program for relationships and I talk about in the book that I wrote, too about the Clean Slate Method. And the idea of the Clean Slate Method is drawing a line in the sand, if you will, or concrete, even, and starting from scratch. And in my experience, the reason a woman, or anybody, brings up the same thing over and over again is because they don't feel that you recognize the significance of the pain, stress, trauma that's been placed on them, right? And so they'll keep hashing it out over and over until they feel and I use that word very deliberately, Joe feel that you understand the impact on them.
Now, I realize that sounds could sound super selfish, given that you are the one that was perpetrated upon, and I agree. And what I'm hearing you say is, "Hey, I want to be with my wife." It sounds like she's still with you, so you guys are together. Then this is a good time to draw a line in the sand and say, "Hey, are we moving forward or are we not? Are we willing to work on this, and how can we work on this together going forward?"
Joe 15:56
We'll go like a whole stretch, like six months, and at least I feel things are doing great, doing good. We're talking, moving forward, doing things as a family, and it's like, inevitably, I always do something dumb. It's, "Well, see, you never learn from what you did. You're the same person."
Doug Holt 16:16
So that's what we call, Joe that's what we call a safety test. We used to call them shit tests, but we realized they're really bids for safety, right? "Are you going to go back to being so...?" What happens a lot... I know you're new to this, which is, first of all, great for being on here. My advice to you is, get on as many of these as you can, and be as active in the community as you can, right?
Joe 16:36
Yeah, but I've been listening to your book every night, trying to get through it, but yeah.
Doug Holt 16:40
Yeah, I get that. Getting through my book is a challenge in itself, my friend. So I get that, and the idea of being in the communication to be in the communities, you're in communication around these new skills, these new thought patterns. Guys like myself, you know, gosh, 40 years of doing it one way... I used to tell myself that I would shut down and not argue because I was being the bigger man. Really, I was hiding, right? I was avoiding the conflict, which made my wife feel unsafe not physically unsafe, but emotionally unsafe.
And so, back to the safety tests. Oftentimes someone could say, when you screw up and Joe, by the way, I screw up all the time, you're gonna keep screwing up, and your wife screws up all the time, right? We're humans. If you show me a perfect human... I've never met one, and I've had the pleasure of meeting a lot of people in my lifetime. Nobody's perfect. And so when we screw up, she's gonna give you a safety test. "See, I knew you haven't changed," right? And what she's really saying behind the scenes is, "I'm scared to open my heart to you again, Joe."
I'm gonna guess you feel that your wife's closed it down; that's just a guess. "I'm scared to open it up again, because I don't want to get hurt again." I've got a six-year-old daughter, and I'm not degrading your wife by any means, but I think of a lot of our hurts... so, my personal hurts come from the younger version of me. Your wife's come from the younger version. I picture my wife as like a six-year-old girl who's hurt. She's bidding for safety. "Can I be safe with you, Doug?" you know, "or are you going to hurt me again?"
And the answer is yes, I'm going to hurt my wife again not deliberately, but unconsciously by something I say or the way I act. Maybe I've just had... the other day, Joe, I had a bad, bad day. I hadn't slept in a couple days. I have some sleep issues I'm working through, so I was just quiet, but my wife's mind she thought something was wrong. She thought she did something wrong, or I was mad at her. So all day she went through with that story that I was mad at her, so she felt hurt. Now, we cleaned it up, and that's the difference between me now and where I used to be. Soon as I recognized something was wrong, we addressed it, cleaned it up, and everything's hunky-dory now. It's all good, but all of us create stories.
Joe 19:06
And that's something I want to try to do, at least for myself. You know, when she does attack that way, of saying, "You haven't changed," to say, instead of trying to convince her I've changed, how to, I guess, validate the fact that she doesn't feel that I have.
Doug Holt 19:21
So, "That you haven't changed" is a super common... it's like one of the top three common responses wives give their husbands. And the reason I figured it out after talking to a lot of women is, again, I'm going to just reiterate this, is they don't want to open their... all of a sudden, Joe's being great, Joe's awesome, things are good. Your wife's like part of her is like, "Oh my gosh, yes, this is what I wanted, this is the marriage I want." And then another voice comes in and goes, "Uh-huh, be careful. If you let your guard down, Joe's gonna hurt you again, and that hurt a lot, so watch out." So she tests you.
And so she goes, "Hey, you haven't changed, you're still the same, Joe." You could say, "You know, look, if I've hurt you, I really apologize. I never want you to feel hurt. I'm working on myself every single day, you know, and it's up to you."
I like to make a lot of jokes sometimes, self-deprecating, because I don't really believe them, but just joking like, "You know what they say about old dogs and new tricks, but this old dog's learning some new tricks, and sometimes I'm going to stumble and fall. But what I can promise you, babe, is I'm always going to get back up, brush myself off, and be better. So, if what I did hurt you or scared you, just know that I never want that to happen."
So, in what the way I just said, Joe, I never apologized for what I did, but I apologize for the way it made her feel, because the truth is, I never want my wife to feel scared. I never want my wife to feel bad, right? I may do things that do scare her, and maybe I'm not apologetic by what I do. Like, I wasn't apologizing I wouldn't apologize for being quiet because I hadn't slept in a few days. I don't think I did anything wrong, but I do feel bad about her creating a story that she did something wrong. Make sense of the difference?
Joe 21:09
Yes, because I do hear that a lot. "What did I ever do so wrong?" So it's like she's trying to take ownership of my actions.
Doug Holt 21:17
Yeah, no. Joe takes ownership. Right, Joe?
Joe 21:22
All right. Well, thanks.
Doug Holt 21:24
You got it, buddy. Hope that was helpful. I want to see you in the community more, Joe.
Joe 21:26
Yes.
Doug Holt 21:28
All right, sir. Take care. Gordon, there you go. Good to see you, brother.
Gordon 21:31
Hey, how you doing? So, my question is, is I've been through TAM, been through TAR, just got out of TAR in April.
Doug Holt 21:40
How was that?
Gordon 21:42
I don't have words. I mean, it the... what I left there. I mean, I know people are still tripping over, but my question my question for you is, is that I am in the best place I have been in my marriage. I've been married 30 years, and I'm in the best place I've been in over 20. And we are at such a wonderful place, and we're in a state right now where everything is just autopilot, and it's amazing. My question is: how do you keep that going and not step into a place of complacency where you don't keep driving in the right direction? So, I'm still driving because I'm an extremely driven human, but how do you keep that flow going, or is it naturally keeping itself in tune?
Doug Holt 22:45
A question I get asked a lot. Gordon, Rune's on here, maybe I can take him off in a little bit. Go look at Rune's post in the community, search it out amazing man, amazing journey. His post brought tears to my eyes. You'll get I think you'll get a lot out of it.
So, it's not as natural as we'd like it to be. It's like anything; it's like it takes it takes work. You don't go to the gym, get in good shape, and go, "Cool, I'm done," right? You got to go back to the gym again and again and again. You got to eat well again, again, and again, because it's easy to fall back into old habits and old patterns of being. Now, you went to an Alpha Reset, and as you know, you don't come out of there as the same man. You come out of there as the real man that you've always known yourself to be, or hoped yourself to be, I guess. Maybe some guys, but an amazing experience. It's almost like a born-again experience, right?
So, the key is to continue the journey. So, at TPM, what we say is... so, let me back up for a second. As as men, and especially as men that TPM attracts, which are going to be very goal-oriented guys, right? We look for a goal, and then we aim everything we have at that goal till we hit it. And as soon as we hit it, what do we do? We we maybe celebrate for a day, we we we set a new goal, and we start moving forward. So, for here, most people are looking for the destination, right? Your marriage been married 30 years, you said marriage is the best it's ever been in 20 years, right? And I'm going to guess, having this conversation with a lot of men, you probably never thought was possible either, did you? Right.
And so now you're at a place where the journey is the destination; there is no "get to this place." And so I want you to be in a mindset, Gordon, of: "This is awesome. I've never thought our marriage could be here again. Let's make this the new floor, the bottom, right? This is as the worst it gets. How can we make it better? What are the things that we get to do to make it better?" And make that the next part of your journey.
Something that I see a lot of guys falter on is they stop doing what got them here your Alpha Rise and Shine, your check-ins with your packs, your posting in the community, if that's what you do. They stop doing it because they go, "Hey, I made it, I'm here, things are good." And then I stop seeing those guys in the community. I stop hearing from those guys, which is fine, until about six months later when I go, "Doug, crap, things started to fall apart." First question I ask, Gordon, every time: "Are you doing your routines, yes or no?"
Gordon 25:37
Yes.
Doug Holt 25:37
It's get good, right? And that's why you're still going good. Most guys, what I'm telling you is, what the reason most guys falter is, they stop doing them. They stop growing. They... the most dangerous time in our lives as men is when when we're teenagers, right? Testosterone: high level. Wisdom: least for me, very low. And one thing as a teenager, this is like business, is you think you've got it all figured out in business. If you think you've got it all figured out, you're done. Competition is going to come eat your lunch right soon as you figured think you've got this all figured out. That's when you get scared.
Gordon 26:20
So, I know one of your comments was about sticking with your pack and spending as much time as you can with them interacting. The other problem that I have, too, is that as I move forward in my progress
Doug Holt 26:35
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I'm sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what's broken, and not only need to know what's broken, but a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That's the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you're going to be toiling with things.
That's why I created a free training a training that only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have, to how you get it back. How do you retain that where your wife's looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said, "I do"? You know, I don't know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I'm her man, that feels like I can conquer the world, and I want that for you.
Simply go over to thepowerfulman.com/scales. That's thepowerfulman.com/scales, and I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates for you. Now, back to the podcast.
Here is the final section of your transcript. The spoken words have been kept exactly as they were, speaker names are bolded, and the capitalization and punctuation have been cleaned up to make the text readable and polished.
Gordon 27:37
I'm having a harder time tuning in to some guys in the pack that not necessarily have fallen behind, but they're not at the same place anymore, and I'm having a hard time with that because those are the people that I want to interact with and relate to. But at some point, do you have to just keep moving forward and create a whole new band of people? And that's hard.
Doug Holt 28:06
Yeah, it is. But so, The Alpha Reset wasn't a walk in the park either, was it, brother? So, especially Day One and Two. So, you want three types of men in your life. Okay, you want men that are at the same level as you, walking the same path. You want men that are ahead of you, showing you the light in the path, and you want men that are slightly behind you that you get to mentor. Anything in life that I have, quote, "mastered" if I've mastered anything, anything I've been good at I've been able to teach other people how to be good at it. Sometimes I demand it from them, like, "Hey guys, I need you to step up, get your behinds to an Alpha Reset, do this."
And there is a time, though, right? Let's just... so, you need those three people in your life. You need to find them. That's why a lot of men join The Brotherhood or the Inner Circle, which are one-year mastermind programs. They want to be surrounded by different guys not pitching that to you by any means, that's just not who I am. But that's one of the reasons they do. Iron sharpens iron. How do I get around more men that are on this trajectory that I'm on?
Let's just say you have those three, and I've done this many times in my life. You take an audit: do the people around me fill me up or drain me? If they drain me, then I want to decide, am I going to give them a chance in the sense of, have I done everything I can to position them or to set them up for success? And if the answer is yes, and they're still draining you, then I lovingly let them go.
Let's just say it's you and I, and for the argument's sake, I'm a little bit further ahead. I might say, "Okay, well, Gordon's not doing the work. I keep trying to help Gordon out. He's just holding back. He's he's bitching about his wife, his kids, his job," you know, "all the time. All he does... he's become an energy vampire." And Gordon, you're not, as you know, so... but I'm using you as the example. I might choose to go, "Okay, you know, Gordon, I love you, man. I want the best for you right now. I need to focus on my family and my trajectory. I'm here for you when you need me." And then I slowly just let go, and I still think about you. I still hope for you, maybe pray for you whatever my... however I celebrate the people in my life, gratitude for you being in my life.
And I've only got so much bandwidth. I get hundreds of messages a day; I can't answer them all. It doesn't mean I don't love the people that are messaging me or care about them. Some people get a lot of people get offended that I don't respond. I can't; it'd be a full-time job and I still couldn't do it.
So, the point is, Gordon, sometimes you do have to let those people go. But I know for me, I want to give them every opportunity, and I'm like the sports coach that yells at people, right? So, you know, "Get off your ass and get to work. All you're doing is bitching and moaning about your job. I'm tired of hearing about it." And a lot of people are scared to do that because they don't want to call out other men because they don't want those people not to like them.
Gordon 31:23
Hard to surround yourself with people ahead of you, because, like in my situation, I don't have the financial means that I would like to have to jump in and commit to The Brotherhood right now. I will, but I just don't today. So, how do you create out that? It's tough, yeah. Tough.
Doug Holt 31:42
So, imagine I'm an 18-year-old kid, Gordon, and I want... and go, "Hey Gordon, let me buy you coffee."
You're like, "Hey man, I can buy my own coffee. Like, I don't need you to buy me a $1.50 coffee." You're asking for my time, and maybe you do it out of the kindness of your heart a few times, but eventually Gordon needs value to keep having that coffee with that 18-year-old kid, right?
So, a couple things: there's over 2,600 men in the TPM general community. All the guys in The Brotherhood, all the guys in the Inner Circle, all the guys who invest to do one-on-one are in that community. So, how do you provide value? And maybe it's just you sharing your story on a regular basis in such a manner that you attract those people to you. I mentioned Rune's post earlier. Rune's post was amazing. I read it; it inspired me. I've talked about Rune twice already, you know. He provided a ton of value through his vulnerable share, and so I think that's where a lot of guys miss out.
Hear this all the time, like, "I don't have men to talk to. I don't have men around me." We have the internet. We have a community. The TPM community is free this is for now, right? But you do have to go in there and provide value. And sometimes you're... the question is, "Well, I don't know what to say." Well, tell your story. Rune did. Rune just shared his story, and his story provided me value. I'm not saying I'm ahead of Rune, or that Rune even wants to talk to me, but I have broken bread with Rune and had a glass of wine or maybe four. And yeah, that's how you do it. You show up, because most people don't show up.
Awesome, Gordon. Hey, man, I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy that your marriage is in the best place it's been in 20 years. Your TAR sounds like it was an awesome experience, as it always is coming through there. Speaking of Rune... Rune, if you got time, I'm gonna take you off. Yeah, good to see you, brother.
Rune 34:05
Good. Likewise, I was very impressed with you remembering it, because I remember Breckenridge. But yeah, I shared I shared the journey. It was almost two years in total in TPM. Two years in total, and yeah, I didn't believe it. I did not believe I could be in that place where I am now. There's no way. It's it's been really, really good on so many levels, and all my interactions with people as well, yeah, as a person and everything else, and cutting this off.
And it was the same with with continuing with it, you know? Like, I'm not in The Brotherhood at the moment, just because it was time-wise with my kids it was always the time when I was picking up, so it's like I prioritized, "That's my hour, we finished school, and we do that," so so that's really good. I do miss the pack calls, though, a lot right now, but yeah, no, it's been been pretty real. I mean, but I'm also demanding now, Doug. I'm demanding of other people to show up and step up and and be there, and be present, and be present in their own life, and not put autopilot on, because that annoys me now. Like, drifted across, you know, like, "Yeah, okay, well, you know, get in gear and start living," you know? So, yeah, yeah.
Doug Holt 35:22
One of the things we teach we don't teach it as much as we used to, we should do it every TAR, so you may have seen it. I know you've done the TAR, the Rising, been at the events. We call it "One Destination, Two Paths." And I can't go through it in detail right now because I like to use imagery for it, but essentially it becomes a time in a man's life where he's kind of figured it out, if you will not all of it, because we never figure it all out, as you know but we've... some stuff's clicked for us, and then those guys reach a hand across to the other men to pull them forward, right? We feel called to demand more of them, to offer a helping hand, to lift them up. And a lot of times people look at a guy like you, Rune... so, if I met you, just say, "I met you today, right? Man, you got it all together, you figured it all out. Your family's good." Yeah,
Rune 36:18
I'm laughing. Yeah,
Doug Holt 36:19
"It's always been easy for you, right?" And then we make excuses about that guy, right? "Well, of course, it's easy for Rune. His dad must have left him a ton of money. He's always been good-looking, he's always been smart, big, you know. It's just been easy for him." And the truth is, when we look at the guy at the other end, we were just making excuses about him to make ourselves feel better. The journey for almost every man who's kind of, quote, "made it" and anyone I've met has never been easy.
Rune 36:51
That's one of the beauties of the TPM, Doc, you know. Thank you for that. Is, you know, because I still speak to a lot of the brothers, and we have a few things going together, and because we can be vulnerable with each other, you know, you can actually get to hear them as the real them. Like, what happened 20 years ago? How did they go through it, and how were those years, and and what did you do to overcome it, and so forth? That's the beauty of it, because this is what I said about the shame in my post, which is a lot of it. I'm not ashamed of having gone through this, you know.
I was just talking to another guy earlier about... because he's just been through the divorce, and I my first question was, "I don't know if I should say I'm sorry to hear, or, you know, like, where are you at?" and so forth. But you can sort of ask more people because you're not insecure in where you are. I'm not insecure about it. I'm not... "Okay, well, that was a bump in the road," you know, like... and that's what you do. There's bumps in the road, but ask me two years ago about that loader, though. You know, all the shame I'm gonna go through this, that hiding under a rock, climbing into a hole, and all of the things like, I can't recognize that anymore.
And there was one time I was sitting with... because I didn't we were separated, and we didn't have that much time to talk. But there's one time I was driving her from somewhere in the car, and I'm not even thinking about it, right? There was nothing that, for me, was a planned thing, or I wasn't trying to over-conduct something else. When we're talking about a small situation with something I can't remember what it was but I just said, "I'm just so tired, you know? Like, in my life, I want to be real, I want to accept where I'm at, I want to understand what's what's real, and I want to take responsibility for what I've done and everything else." And she didn't say anything, right? She sat in the car.
Then a couple of hours later and there were no tricks, there was no... it wasn't like, you know, in TAM it's like, "Well, what should I reply?" and this stuff here. I was so insecure, I didn't think about it. It was just on autopilot, right? It was like, "I don't want this push in my life. I don't need to lie. This is where we are. This is what we're doing." And she came, you know, later that day when we were to pick up Alex. She was like, "Do you know what? That was the most refreshing I've heard a man say," you know? Like, just said, "Yeah. Well, I did these things," you know. And there was like, the everything in the... I can't remember the letter we were writing, and all this stuff. "Look, I own it. Okay, that was what happened," you know. And that's it no doubling up.
And that was the best thing you said, Doc. Was this thing about when you went back into it, and you said, "Well, if the boundary isn't set, if the boundary isn't there, it's like, how often could you bring it up?" I mean, she doesn't bring any of this stuff up anymore. There's no... on this one here, it's like, "Okay, you're solid." We had a big fight about the nanny who was involved in the court and everything else, and I just said, "Well, she's the best. She's the best, she's the best cleaner we have, right? And if you take it all away, I'm going to get stressed, you know. But this is what happened. Here's the truth. This is what happened. This was the thing that happened. You go talk to deal with this stuff here, but I'm saying, that's that's... I need that, my housekeeper, I need it." And that's it. And then three days later, it's like, "Okay, well, she was back," you know.
Doug Holt 40:10
Safety test, right? Well, that's the thing, is I think, guys... Rune, what I would love... one of the things I love to communicate to these guys is you do the work, right? You've you know, you and I, like I said, we got to break bread and have some great... I thought they were great conversations in Breckenridge together for that event. But you've done the Alpha, you've done the Alpha Reset, done Alpha Rising, you've done other stuff outside of TPM. You've just... you've stepped up time and time again to do the work, where some men will say, "Okay, cool, I made it, or I've done enough." You just keep showing up, chipping away at what I'll call the bullshit that was put upon you at some point whether you probably put a lot of it on yourself.
Rune 40:51
Oh yeah, I mean, I'll take responsibility for that, Doug.
Doug Holt 40:54
And she can feel it, that's why she... that's the difference, I think, for in my opinion, women know at a visceral level if a man is solid or not.
Rune 41:08
I think I think now I see it in other people as well, you know, like it's in the it's in the tone of voice, it's how they're talking, how they're acting, and like how they're moving on it. And it's so obvious now, and it's like, "Well, you're not at one with yourself, and you haven't forgiven yourself for whatever you've done and moved on with it," you know. And it makes such a difference in every transaction you have in life, you know. It's not just with a wife, it's with my son as well, it's with business, it's everywhere in it.
You know, it was not easy, because you had to go through the dark phases. Yes, right? You had to go into the shame, like, where does it come from? Where is it? You know, that's not an easy thing. Mark was very good at that. It was not an easy thing to go, "Where's the shame? Who put it on your dad, your mom, yourself?" You realize you put it on yourself, and this stuff. You know, it's okay. So, what if there isn't anything that judges this? Where are you going to go with it? What if you, unapologetically, live the life you want? Okay, it sounds simple, you know. Sounds very simple, Doc, but you know, like... you know, like... but going through it and being there. So, I just wanted to say thank you.
Doug Holt 42:11
Yeah, thank you for doing the work.
Rune 42:14
You know, I didn't believe some of the stuff. And before that, it was like, "Oh yeah, it's this mantra. It's these oh, you're learning these things and all these tricks," because I got I was so good at manipulating, you know? And I built this thing around myself of manipulating, you know, negotiations and tactics and stuff here. You know, I got really good at it, but I realized there's no reason to do that, you know? Like, I can say what I can say, and I'm gonna push back on this negotiation and that and this stuff here, and just be what my gut tells me, what my heart tells me.
But to do that, I needed to feel my heart first, you know? Like, connect with that. Connect with my gut what is it telling me? You know, that took time. Everything takes time. But you know, it continues, right?
Doug Holt 42:54
It always does, buddy. I love that. Now
Rune 42:57
There's so much more. I mean, you know, we'll see what next year is going to be more interesting as well, you know, like... nobs stepping forward with, you know, like a purpose.
Doug Holt 43:04
Yeah. One thing you said I want to touch on but there's a lot of things I'd love to touch on, but one right now is for men to understand, because I think guys get this, but I don't know if I would have believed it. Doug 1.0 is... you said like, "Oh, now I can see it in other people. Like, I can see guys or women, they're playing at a higher level, so to speak." My words, not yours.
And it's like vibrations, right? One of the things I tell the men after they leave the Alpha Reset, I go, "Look, when you go to the airport, you're going to recognize people, and they're going to recognize you." And it's people like you would have normally recognized that you walk by they're kind of smile at you because they go, "Okay, this guy's vibrating." I use vibrations at a higher frequency because they... you can't... when you're in the mud, you can't see people that are higher than you. You just can't. There's attraction like attracts like, I guess what I'm saying.
And so you mentioned business. I know you're doing business with some of the guys in the Inner Circle, The Brotherhood. And once you start vibrating at a higher level, you start attracting those people men and women into your life more and more, because they can tell. They can say, "Yep, Rune's got it good, right?" And now I can relate to Rune on a different level than I could in Breckenridge, even though I love Rune in Breckenridge. This is a different man that sits here right now.
Rune 44:24
Yeah, definitely. I was so nervous back then. All the amount of things, and the demands, and god knows what I was like, affected. I mean, I was I was running around constantly reactive, reactive, right? I was not responding to anything; I was just reacting, trying to keep every single ball in the air and everything else. It was a completely different story.
But on that one, there was one thing that I thought about, you know, like going back to that on the on the higher level: it was a very, let's say, this thing of being able to keep pushing through it when it's painful. That was a very cautious decision, and it was something where I think that was where the trust came in. Grant... no, sorry, Doc. That was where the trust came in because, like, who the hell am I going to be on the other side? I had no idea, right? Like like, can it really be that simple, or can it... can life really be like that? And you know, because you've never seen it before, you've never had interactions with people like that before. You were always running around in some kind of panic, reactive mode.
So the trust on that that took a lot of, you know, like soul searching, you know, going through that. And like, what's the point of being untruthful, you know? Where are you going to end up with your own life if you do, if you keep lying to yourself and making half-assed decisions? Where are you going to end up, you know? Because it doesn't get better; it just actually gets worse, you know.
And then when I just gave up on that... like, you know, like the reset in that way mental reset of like, to me, I just set the grounded, sir. Well, I've... you know, my wife left, bye-bye, my kid, and this stuff here, I might never see him in custody and all this other stuff. I reset that. What's the only thing that's there? And that was when I started the focus, and then I didn't look back, you know? That was when I looked inwards and just go, "Keep going, keep going, keep going," you know.
I kind of... when we were walking I can't say too much unless you know, you know, on the on the reset but we were walking at one stage, and you know, I started laughing because there's all these men all going through the stuff, trying to get better, trying to figure out who the hell they are and what they stand for and everything else. And I had been struggling a lot with masculinity, you know, like especially what Tim does like, what is masculine? Like, what is a real role model for this, right? Because it's not, you know, like it's not entertained, it's not the stuff. What is a real role model? Because they're not that noisy, right? So it's like, what is a real role model? And a man that stands for his word.
So I looked a lot of times of what is modern masculinity for me. But when we were walking through that thing you know... you know what I'm talking about I just started laughing and going like, "When you're going through hell, you know the best place to do is fight the brothers who's going to laugh with you, so you keep going, yeah," you know? And that was what it was for me in the end, you know? Like, in the in the last bit, it's like, "Well, we're all going through something a different place, but it's like, let's have fun while doing it," you know. And then the effort didn't seem as dark or as hard anymore. And it's like, "Yeah, well, you're going through that, I feel you," you know. "I understand you, I hear you, and then, yeah, you're going through that." And there was no complaining, no victimhood, no putting that way down. It's like, "Yeah, keep going," nudge, yeah.
Doug Holt 47:46
100%. 100%, man.
Rune 47:47
It was so beautiful. I got some real brothers now. I mean, like, they're still, you know, we're connected, you know. And I'll be back, yeah. So, yeah, yeah, so that's it like, I love it, man.
Doug Holt 48:03
Absolutely love that for you. And it's so funny, one of the things you said that I want to emphasize, because I know men are at different stages as you're coming through this, is a lot of us are running around trying to keep everything in the air and keep the masks on. We're so worried about what other people think of us and what other people are thinking and doing that we can't stop and actually be with those people, truly, because we're so crazy inside. And that's exactly what the women in our lives want from us. They just want us to be connected, and we're getting so worried about anxiety and the stories. I mean, the story I used to have, Rune, was: "I'm building this all for them."
Rune 48:50
You're so important, Doug. The important stuff you're making up for yourself, like, "I don't care, Doug," right? Are you Doug, or are you somebody who's running around building a story for yourself? Yeah, exactly.
Doug Holt 49:01
100%. 100%. I'm awesome, brother. Well, I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy for you, man. Love having you in my life and on my journey as well.
Rune 49:09
Thanks thanks for this one here. I'm not gonna say anymore.
Doug Holt 49:13
I love it.
Rune 49:14
Getting used every day. Okay.
Doug Holt 49:17
Take care. Much love, my friend.
Rune 49:18
Thank you.
Doug Holt 49:20
Please leave a comment or a post or something, and I'll try to get to you guys as best I can. Also, if you guys would like me to do more of these, I can try to get back into a rhythm. I was trying to get into once a week, and then get thrown off by traveling kids. It's never my intention to leave any of you guys hanging, and the reality is I do have to go. So, much love. Thanks, Brandon. Andy, you know I love you, man. We have also broken bread and had a glass of wine or two, as well.
So, guys, I hope this was helpful. Please let me know if it's helpful, because otherwise I feel like I'm just talking to myself here. Coming through, I will carve out the time. I just got to let my kids know that I'm going to spend an hour with my friends, and they're cool with it as well. Much love, guys. I will see you in the community. Please be active in there. That is the best place for you guys to be in the conversation and continue on with that conversation. Much love.