Episode #945
What do you do when you’re committed to personal growth, but your partner isn’t? How can you encourage them without making them feel judged or pressured?
In this episode, Doug and Chris break down a common struggle for men—wanting their wife to invest in herself but not knowing how to support her in a way that actually works. They reveal why pushing too hard can backfire, why leading by example is the most powerful strategy, and how to create a space where growth happens naturally.
They discuss the difference between sharing your journey with excitement versus telling your wife what she “should” do. Doug opens up about his own experiences, the lessons he’s learned, and how he’s seen transformation happen in relationships when men focus on becoming the best version of themselves first.
If you’ve ever felt frustrated watching your partner stay stuck while you evolve, this conversation will give you the clarity and tools to lead in a way that inspires—not pressures.
Listen now and start leading by example.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
When I’m talking about when I’m coaching men, I’m also thinking about my life and the gaps, and I don’t want anybody to ever think that, A, I’m perfect, or even think that I’m perfect, or everything’s amazing. I have a very blessed life. I think my relationship’s amazing. I think the stuff I do is—I love the work that I do. I feel it’s my calling, truly. So I have a lot of those check marks, but dude, I’ve got enough things that I’m working on too, so I don’t want anybody to ever think it’s perfect. And so when I answer these questions for the men that are coming in or coaching, I’m also seeing tweaks that I can constantly make in my world too.
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM show. And if you’ve listened to the previous episodes, we are taking your questions directly in here. And once again, I have been graced by Christopher being here with us. So this is gonna be a fun show. We’re having a lot of fun. Show fun. Not fun show fun. At the TPM Ranch, I’ve had too much coffee, so let’s go. We got time for one more question? Let’s hit it. What do you got for us?
Christopher 1:09
Yeah, so this was emailed into our inbox from Brian, and another one that I hear a lot: How to encourage a stagnant partner to pursue personal growth.
Doug Holt 1:22
I hear this one a lot too, and so I’m gonna have a multitude of answers here. So if I go to you, Chris, and I say, “You know what, Chris? I’m trying to make some of that. You need to work out more.” You know your initial reaction is gonna be like, “What the—screw this guy? Like, work out? What’s wrong?” But you and I have talked about working out together, and we’re going to be doing that soon, which I’m excited about. But the initial reaction for most people is, “You’re saying something’s wrong with me.”
So what guys do, in our best interest, is we tell our partner they should do personal development, or they should work on themselves, or they should see a coach, or they should do that, and what their wife is hearing is, “I’m not good enough. There’s something wrong with me.” And so they are going to react and push back. And the last thing they’re going to let their husband see is them doing any personal development. But they may do it in the background. I see this thousands of times.
So, okay, how do you do it, right? My wife coaches women. Her website, Sweat Dirt and Soul dot com. She coaches women, and what she would say is, “Just be the result of the work.” And I see this more often than not, Chris. When a man is doing his personal development and is growing and sharing with his wife, not from a place of, “I’m better than you,” or, “I’m doing this thing,” you know, the holier-than-thou type approach that a lot of us guys can take, but more from an excitement, like, “Oh man, this is so great. I’m doing this thing called the Alpha Rise and Shine. It’s different than a typical morning routine, and I’m just loving how I’m feeling and the energy.” Now, I can invite her in to participate if she’s interested.
You know, “Part of this is the thing that you’re doing that Coach Doug wants me to do is I come up with five things I’m grateful for in the morning. First thing. I love to share that with you. Would you be interested?” Most likely, she’s going to be receptive. Now, unless there’s some massive problem in the relationship, then you don’t—you just share that. And, “Five things I’m grateful for, I just wanted to let you know that you’re one of them,” and you walk away from that. Her interest is going to catch up to her, right? She’s going to want to know.
Now, the way my wife does personal development is totally different than the way I do it. Very, very different. We’re not interested in the same things all the time. She’s very into coaching women on how to get into their femininity and how to surrender into it, right? That’s not something I’m interested in. Sure, I want women to surrender into their femininity, but that’s not my thing. And so my wife studies deeply on that stuff every day. She’s reading about it so she can be a better coach for the women that she works with, and a better woman for me. And it’s a great thing, right?
But if I came to her and said—I did this. So she was asking me to help her with her coaching business, and I dropped a book. I said, “Hey, the marketing team is flying out to the TPM Ranch, and I’m gonna be meeting with them all next week. Here’s the book that I’m giving each person.” And I go, “I think this would really help you.” She hasn’t touched that book. Now, she was excited, “Oh, thank you very much. I think it would help too.”
All her books that she has by the—we have a couch and a coffee table next to it. That’s where my wife likes to read. She’s got, I think, off the top of my head, I’m just picturing from this morning, because we drink coffee in the morning, connect there—she’s got about four books that are on there, right? And one book in the corner of the couch that’s kind of been damaged recently because of the kids jumping around.
Those four books are all about women surrendering into their femininity, moon cycles, menstrual, all kinds of menopause, all kinds of stuff. The book that’s kind of crumpled up is the book I gave her. The kids are jumping on it. And it’s not that she doesn’t think that that book would help her or that she wants—she’s just not interested in it, right? Yeah, it’s just not her thing. That’s my jam. I’ve read that book cover to cover.
So for this guy, if he wants his wife to be involved in personal development, the key is be the example, right? Be the person. So going back to you and me, and this is—this is a made-up example, for sure. Should be the other way around. But if I want you to exercise more, and you’re somebody I care about deeply, then what I get to do is be that example, right?
I gotta be the guy who’s already exercising. And not now—hey, the first five weeks or whatever, that’s the easy part—but I have to adopt this into my lifestyle. So when we’re around each other, it’s infectious for you. And you kind of go, “Hey, I want some of that too,” right? And then you’ll naturally just start exercising. Vice versa, right?
You know, I come to the TPM Ranch sometimes on the weekends, and you’re running. You’re out there doing a run or something like that. I’m like, “Dude.” You never say, “Hey, Doug, you really should—dude, you’ve gained some weight,” which I have, “and you should be out here running.” You just go for a run. And I’m like, “Man, I want to be more like Chris. I want to come out here and run.” And I legitimately—it’s a true story—I legitimately think about that.
Whereas if you were just saying, “Hey dude, you’re fat,” like, I would appreciate that, by the way, but “Come out here for a run,” that has a little sting to it, right? Yeah? But just by you being the example, in this situation, you’re infecting other people in a positive way.
And so when I’m doing things for my wife, like, as in, when I get up and I start just cleaning the house, my wife starts cleaning the house. Like, when I get up, or I go, “Hey, I’m gonna go for a walk,” my wife now goes, and I do this at night, “I’m gonna go for a walk.” She now is like, “Hey, can I join you?”
And so leading my home and being a leader in my home is something I practice regularly. Not as consciously now as I used to because I’ve been in this practice for so long. But my wife follows. She wants to be led. And it’s not a degrading thing at all. I think femininity is more powerful than masculinity, but naturally, the feminine spirit wants to be led by the masculine spirit. And so I can lead my wife to do those things.
If I really wanted to lead her to do more business development, right, I could steer her in that direction. But it may look different than the way I would do it.
Christopher 7:33
Yeah, I think it comes back to being detached from the outcome of what it’s going to look like, right? And then just being undeniable, like, do the work yourself. So many times in my life, and I just use myself as an example, because I feel like I, you know, I’ve been through a lot of these things.
Doug Holt 7:52
Hey guys, sorry to interrupt this episode, but the reality is, if you are watching or listening to this right now, then you are looking to better yourself, and I applaud you. You’re one of my people, and I want to give you the opportunity of taking massive action. So if you haven’t joined The Activation Method yet, it’s our flagship program. Do what thousands of other businessmen, just like you, have done, and take action. Be one of the one percenters that actually does the work and takes action. There’ll be a link in the description that’ll take you right to a page. It’ll just give you more information. There is no obligation. Just go check it out and see if it’s a good fit for you. All right, let’s get back to this episode.
Christopher 8:35
My asking my wife to do any sort of personal development is truly just a reflection of where I’m at in my own. Yes. Why do I even have time to ask that question?
Doug Holt 8:46
What’s judgment? Yeah, you know, if I say you should be doing personal development, I am innately judging you, right? I’m showing a gap, right? And we all have gaps, right? There’s a gap between the man that sits here now, talking to you, and the man that I foresee myself becoming. Now, if I focus on the gap, I’m anxious, depressed, sad, angry—all of those emotions—because I’m not where I need to be, and that doesn’t allow me to sit here and be present with you right now, having a conversation, sharing an experience. If I realize that gap is part of my journey, and I’ll get there, whether it be a day, a week, ten years, when I’m resolute that I know I will become the man that I foresee, then it doesn’t matter to me how long it takes, right?
So when I do this with my wife, when I want her to work on her business, her marketing, she asked me about it, I can’t judge her for not taking the book that I gave her and reading it cover to cover. Now, innately, I have a reaction in me, like, “I gave you the book. It’s the same book I’m giving Colton or all these other people that are in our marketing department. This is going to help. I have a proven track record of building companies, so you should listen to me,” right? But maybe she doesn’t want to. Maybe she doesn’t want to give me that authority. She wants to see me as her lover, not as her business coach.
And so for this guy, for personal development, I would just share, and that’s something I wish I would have done earlier, is share what I’m learning. I was talking to a guy yesterday, a man that I deeply care about, and I don’t think he met—he found somebody very close to him had a letter and a plan to commit suicide, to kill themselves. And this guy’s got a heart of gold. And as you can imagine, he shared this with me and two of our other coaches, and I didn’t even read the whole thread. I just called the guy. Just got on the phone. Immediately, he’s like, “Yeah, I’m sure you saw the thread of messages.” I was like, “I didn’t read them. I saw one thing on there about this person you care about wanting to kill themselves, and I called you,” because there are two people here that are affected—her, this person, and you.
And I just called him. And it’s all about being that example, right? Of really going there, not worrying about the gap of what’s going on. So you can have these extreme things go on. What I told him to do, and the reason I bring this up, is I said, “Hey, man, one of the things that you said this person was having an issue with was self-worth, right?” A lot of times with suicide, it’s self-worth. And something I have this gentleman do is I have him send me every day something he’s grateful for—wins. I go, “Send me your wins. Send me something that you love about yourself.” So it’s three wins, three things he loves about himself. And I also have him send three things he forgives, right? Every day he’s letting go.
“If I go do this with that person, share it with them, and invite them to do the same with you. But first, you just share it,” right? And it’s in that sharing, and for these guys, sharing what I’m learning in personal development, not from a place of “You have to change,” but like, if I was like, “Hey, man, this is what I’m learning right now. I’m really excited about it,” and I just share it with you. If it clicks for you, you could say, “Hey, tell me more about that course, the Powerful Man course, their TPM course, or whatever you’re taking, The Activation Method. ” You’d want to know. Or you go find something else that was interesting to you.
Maybe it’s a piece of that practice, or it could trigger—like, the runs that I see you doing trigger me wanting to go to the gym. Do I want to go running? Yeah, but really, I like lifting weights better. That triggers another thing, another thought. Yeah.
And something else that I’ve also noticed is a lot of times men’s wives don’t have an outlet, so be ready or prepared to offer that outlet. When women come to Aaron, my wife, oftentimes they have a story that they shouldn’t be working on themselves, or they—because of the money, the expense, because it’s not cheap—but it’s also the time. Women have the same thing that men do, like, “I should be spending my time doing something else,” right? “Not investing in myself.” Yeah? And so you want to make sure your partner, if they have any stories around that, that you can help clear those up.
Christopher 13:08
Yeah, I love this. Great answer to the question. And yeah, it gives me insight. You know, I always appreciate just hearing yours because it, you know, it’s always applicable to myself and my relationship.
Doug Holt 13:21
And yeah, man, we’re on this journey. That’s something we were talking about off camera, and just for the guys, is like, when I’m coaching men, I’m also thinking about my life and the gaps. And I don’t want anybody to ever think that, A, I’m perfect, or even think that I’m perfect, or that everything’s amazing. I have a very blessed life. I think my relationship is amazing. I love the work that I do. I feel it’s truly my calling. So I have a lot of those check marks. But dude, I’ve got enough things that I’m working on too, so I don’t want anybody to ever think it’s perfect. And so when I answer these questions for the men that are coming in or coaching, I’m also seeing tweaks that I can constantly make in my world too.
Yep, absolutely. We’re all on this journey together.
That’s right, man, all doing our best. Guys, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. As Chris just said, we’re on this journey together, right? Surround yourself with a community, especially a community of like-minded men. Now, some of these questions we’ve taken over the last few episodes are from our free Facebook group because we have our own private community for the men that are in there, where we have thousands of men just like you who are going through our programs, sharing real-life stuff.
And we recently opened a branch we’re testing for non-business owners, and we’ve developed our own app. So we actually have our own app, our own community, all of our courses and everything on there. We are going to be opening those up. But if you’re not ready to jump into a program like The Activation Method, if it’s not for you, no problem. We do have that free Facebook group because we’re here to help.
That’s why we’ve done over 900 podcast episodes. We’ve been around for a long time. We’ve invested in an over 100-acre ranch where we sit today. We want to help you guys, but we can’t help you unless you speak up. So I appreciate these questions coming in. I’m going to do my darndest to get as many of them answered as possible.
But what I’m going to encourage you to do right now, I’m going to act as if I’m your coach—don’t go from one episode to another, to another, to another, right? That’s educational masturbation, right? You have to take action on it. If you found something that Chris or I talked about insightful, take action on it now. Print this out, hit pause, and you can come back to it if you want.
If you want to take the next step and surround yourself with great men like Chris and the other men who have been through our programs, then just go over to thepowerfulman.com and click Start. Get on a phone call with somebody like Chris or one of our other advisors and find out more information.
As always, gentlemen, you are better than average. You deserve the most in life, and I want that for you—whatever it is, whether it be in your marriage, your business—get better than average. We have one shot at this game we call life, at least that we know about, so take advantage of it.
All right. In the moment of insight, take massive action. We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
