One Thing You Can Do To Break A Sexless Marriage

Episode #302

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Episode Transcript

Doug Holt  0:00  

You and your wife, she leaves you, you leave her, you guys get divorced, you split up, and now you’re back in the game, you’re down, you’re back in the sexual marketplace, as I like to say you’re trying to pick up other women, right? You’re trying to find the next woman. Now, I know this is hard to believe. But let’s imagine for a second that you’re back in the marketplace. For whatever reason, what’s the first thing you do without missing a beat? He’s like, oh, man, and he’s like, I would hit the gym hard. The first thing he said, I thought it was interesting. I said, “Okay. Okay. Well, what else would you do?”

Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim, “The Powerful Man” Matthews. Tim, you doing all right?

Tim Matthews  0:43  

Doing all right!

Doug Holt  0:45  

We were joking off of there, guys from the States and the guys in the UK. We have a large, I’d say about half our clients from North America, half from Europe and the UK. And so it’s kind of funny because the guys from the UK always go, “Hey, Doug, you doing right?”, “You, all right?”. In the States, we don’t say that. So it’s just kind of a funny thing. So Tim and I got this call, and right away, Tim goes, “You all right?”.

Tim Matthews  1:12  

Hey, have you? Have you heard of Ali G?

Doug Holt  1:16  

Oh, yeah. I always call you Ali G. What are you talking about? Of course, I heard of him.

Tim Matthews  1:22  

Oh, God. 

Doug Holt  1:24  

Yeah, it’s just funny. Like, you know, the similarities. There’s like a 99.9% similarity. But it’s that point 1% of differences in languaging and things we do like, crisps or chips, right. And things like that, that are just slight differences that are fun to do. So Tim, what I want to talk about today and running into it. And I was talking about this with one of the guys in our Facebook group. And he was talking to me, and he’s going through a situation in his marriage, where things aren’t working out. Well. Now, I’ve shared that I’ve been through this situation before as well, where things just aren’t going the way you want to in your marriage. Sex is dropping off. You’re fighting a lot; in my situation, sex was partially dropping off because I didn’t want to have it. So I was so mad. I used to be able to hold grudges, which I know is hard to believe. When I get angry, it stays with me for a while. But we started talking about it’s. He is kind of like, “Doug, what do I do next?” So I asked him one simple question. I said, Look, let’s say you and your wife split up, right, you and your wife, she leaves you, you leave her, you guys get divorced, you split up, whatever it is. And now you’re back in the game, and you’re down, you’re back in the sexual marketplace. As I like to say, you’re back out there in the field. And you’re trying to pick up other women. You’re trying to find the next woman. Now I know this is hard to believe, I’m telling them, because I know you love your wife, and you never do that. But let’s imagine for a second that you’re back in the marketplace, for whatever reason. What’s the first thing you do? 

Tim Matthews  3:06  

Work out!

Doug Holt  3:07  

Without missing a beat? He’s like, “oh, man, he’s like, I would hit the gym hard.” The first thing he said, and so I thought it was interesting. It’s okay. Okay, well, what else would you do? 

Tim Matthews  3:20  

Buy some new clothes. 

Doug Holt  3:22  

So he didn’t say buy some new clothes. But he said, “I would start going out more,” right, I would start going out and being seen more, being more social start going to events or going places, right? He talked about changing his appearance, buying new clothes, getting a haircut, cleaning himself up, trim, his nails, and all that stuff. But that was like the fifth or sixth thing that he mentioned in his list. And so I just kept asking them, you know what we do as coaches, you know, what else? What else would you do? He was like, “Wow, it’s like, Man, it’s been a while. I need I start to need to start working on myself. Start growing myself is I’m gonna be honest with you. I haven’t done a lot of work on myself. And I think if I want to upgrade, Doug, then I need to upgrade myself as well.” So we started talking about this in this list, and the workout was number one for him. Workout and change my diet. Right two things right away. And I put a quick post about this in our Facebook group. We have a fee-free Facebook group. For those guys that are listening and aren’t aware of it. You can go, fine. And I asked him one simple question. Do you know what it was? why aren’t you doing it now? Oh, well, and you’ve heard my excuse machine, right? Just having my baby girl. You’re tired. All of these things. His kids were older. And he had his excuses as we all do. We’re all human. Right? We’re none of us perfect here. And I asked him, Why aren’t you doing it now? And I said, Wait a minute. Do you want to be with your wife? “Oh, absolutely. You know, we fight she can be a bitch. But I love her. Bottom line is I love her”. it says good because you know it’s a lot harder to go back out in the marketplace than it is to make a relationship better. repair a marriage is much easier than going through a divorce where you have separation of assets, right? Your Money, Your kids, the house, everything’s entangled, your friends would have you at one point, this woman loved you. At one point, she believed that she wanted to get your pants, and she was dying to do so. Right. It’s easier to get back to that point. Tim, you and I’ve seen this hundred times, or men reconcile the relationship and get to a point where the woman is dying to be with a man have sex. We had one guy in The Brotherhood who had who went from a sexless marriage to five times in the night, five times by his wife, and his wife wanted it. That’s a change. When I talked to him about this, I’m like, why aren’t you doing those things now? And he started to think about it, which got me thinking and why this episode comes up: what things you would do are? If you’re back on the marketplace? Make a list, and guys, write those things down? and be honest with yourself? I mean, Tim, you didn’t miss a beat was saying workout because we know that’s a big change, right? That’s usually a catalyst for a lot of the guys. It’s part of the Alpha Rise & Shine. But make a list, guys, of what are those things that you would do if you’re put back onto the marketplace? Right, you, your woman, I’ll use a crude analogy. But one that served me well is to imagine you’re stuck. When you got married, your wife bought into that stock that company. And when you buy into a stock, you don’t buy into a stock that will stay the same. You certainly don’t buy a stock or an asset that’s going to go down in value. So I asked you as you’re listening to this, and be honest with yourself and say it out loud, guys, if you’re driving, you’re on the treadmill, run in whatever you’re doing, say it out loud. And be honest, the first thing that comes to your head, the first honest answer, has your stock has gone up or down and the market value not to your wife, but in the market? If you’re a girl out there, would you be able to pull the same quality woman you did when you got married? Yes or no? My guess is most men would be no. Now we can factor in aging and things like that. But for men, that’s not as big of a deal as it is for women. It’s not always to say that men were like a fine wine, right as we age. But then, well, like wine, as you age, it gets better. Right? The tan starts to open up and everything else. So where are you? Are you working out? Are you lifting heavy weights, is your diet on point? It doesn’t have to be dialed in. You don’t have to be a male cover model but are you doing those little things? What about your personal development? are you growing? Are you doing things that are going to change? Are you going out? Like this guy talked about. One of the I think that was number two or three on his list is going out and being more social. Well, guess what? You’re going out and being more social, your wife’s gonna start paying more attention too if you’re working out into those other things, because she’s gonna say, “Wait, his stock is going up. And he’s going out, other women are going to start finding him more attractive. Hmm, maybe I should start doing some things”. So she’s going to take notice…we’re social creatures. We pick up on these cues that are out there. Now, COVID here, right? Where I live, in Deschutes County, is right close to Bend, Oregon. We’re on level four, critical lockdown, whatever it is. You can’t go into restaurants, or you can’t go inside of a gym and exercise. So it’s hard to be social, right? You got six feet distance. So that makes it a little bit more difficult. But there are other ways to be social, there are other things that you can do, or you can work on the other aspects. So for this guy, he can work out at home, he can clean up his diet, he can work on personal development whether it’s taking The Activation Method, which is something he was interested in, right or even reading a book in the morning, right or before bed, turning off the TV and stop binge-watching Goliath or one of the other shows that people are talking about take those actions and make an action plan for yourself.

Tim Matthews  9:13  

Yeah, for sure. A big underlying theme here as well. And I remember this coming up in a session Amelia and I had a while ago was our whole idea of look Tim you going out. Pursuing your passions mountain leader and coming back from that full is handsome and sexy to the woman because you bring that fullness back with you. So I imagine part of the socializing piece and going out with friends and having the banter a lot of fun stuff. Now, I know for myself, it made me feel full right. So I bring that fullness back but like you say if you can go out there and socialize right now. At least the passions piece. Now, what can you do to dive into your passions? And it’s interesting. Because from a business perspective, if you start the year, right, you might be thinking about, okay, what are your goals for your business? For this year? And then naturally, maybe the question is, okay, so if the business is in that position by the end of the year, who do I get to become? Who am I, as a leader of that business? How am I showing up? How do I behave? The point being is, in my opinion, if someone was to ask me as well, let’s see, to ask me you single you’re gonna do? And part of what I also look at is okay, who do I want to attract? Now, what is the type of relationship that I want to be in next? And then it’s a case of cool, okay, and who do I get to be? To be in that kind of relationship? It kind of feeds into the personal development angle, right? But it’s the same thing. You don’t have to be single to entertain that question. And you don’t even need to involve your wife, either, to begin with, to entertain that question, you could start to play with it and, you know, play with the possibility of what you would like that relationship to look like and who are you in it, and then start to be that guy. And again, I’m sure it would work out. I’m sure he would dress a certain way. I’m sure he would flirt and be playful and maybe going on dates. There are all sorts of things that go into it. Right? And yeah, it’s powerful to do those things then. Now, instead of waiting for the external event, be it the emotional affair, which I seem to be speaking to a lot of guys at the minute whose wives have had, or having emotional affairs, even guys that are coming to us with the desire to Hey, I want to be the number one guy again, I want to win her back from the other guy. I mean, we’re a shitty position to be in, you know, to even a winner back then just to be thinking of, there’s just trust, and there are all sorts that get to go into that to rebuild it. Right. The point being is, chances are, should never have gone run into the arms of the other guy. Had you been doing these things that we’re talking about?

Doug Holt  12:25  

Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing, like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it? I get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan/Bonus to discover the system that other business people just like you are using. We’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you. Go over to ThePowerfulMan/Bonus right away. Now let’s get back to the show.

Yeah, absolutely. And so, talking to this guy and speaking with him, once he started coming up with his stock’s realizations, and when I was talking to him, this guy happens to own an investment company. So it’s easy for me to talk about what he was doing in his relation to a business or what have you, as you said, and if you were to invest in Tim Matthews.Inc, right Tim Matthews.Inc, it’s the internet boom. Tim Matthews Inc, Incorporated. If I’m investing in there, I want to know what Tim Matthews is doing to better himself. Right? If I’m gonna invest in Tim Matthews. Now we invest in people, especially business leaders, staff, teams, other businesses, etc. But our wife is also investing in us, our partner in your case, but my wife is also investing in my case. And what’s the ROI there? Right, realistically now. I know this is superficial. She’s supposed to love me just because, yeah, it doesn’t work that way. Right. I found out as well. When you get married. It’s not all perfect. Right? It doesn’t automatically switch go off and “Oh, it’s all great!”. So what would she want? Not that you would do it for her, but it helps give you optics. What would she want? Right? She’d like to see this. Tim Matthews Inc. is working out exercising, so he keeps his physique or better. Is it okay great that he’s taking courses, probably getting coaching? So he’s bettering himself. So he’s constantly improving who he is and also not going backward. That’s a big thing, guys. Many men are backsliding into old habits or ways of being, and if your wife is growing. You’re not, and guess what most audiobooks, personal development, Brene Brown, all these things that women are listening to these days, Rachel Reyes, now it’s, anyway, there are all these people A lot of women listened to who talked about relationships, they always talk about personal growth and then growing. So women are growing quietly, and as they’re growing, if you’re not, especially if you’re backsliding, that’s a big issue. So coaching is huge, right? I’ve always had a coach in my corner, which is proved to be amazing for me. And then also, what other areas are you doing? Right? We’ll talk in another podcast about alpha versus beta traits because that’s important to party being a great husband. Are you helping out around the house? It doesn’t mean you have to do everything. But are you just helping outright? You’re just not being a dick. You don’t want to be a kid, and your wife doesn’t need another child. If you look at all the memes, Tim, I looked at this, gosh, three days ago. And I was looking actually for memes for husbands talking about their wives. Just funny stuff to share with guys. In The Brotherhood, right, we have a channel, And actually, the alumni channels name The Brotherhood, it’s just for fun; I was looking for funny memes about husbands. And so I typed in on Google finding means husband, something like that. And I gotta tell you, that was probably 100 to one, wives making fun of their husbands to husbands joking about their wives 100 to one at least, maybe that’s probably an exaggeration, because probably closer to two 300 to one, ridiculous. But most of those memes had a similar vein to them, which was saying, you didn’t marry the guy to have another kid, right, talking to the person to take care of, you didn’t marry him to watch him backslide to get fat too, etc., etc. And there’s a reason there’s a continuity to these memes. And it took me back. But holy cow one, the ratio of these. Two, just the flow of them and it also led me to the idea, you know, we look at this, we’ve had men come to us, and guys, if you’re listening to this, with their wives will say, look, I love you. But I’m no longer in love with you, and often what that happens is because of the backslide, right, the stock has gone down, the excitements are gone down. Right, and you’re looking at it. So, guys, what you want to do is take stock right away? If your take stock, and no pun intended, but what would you do if all of a sudden, and this is an easy exercise, right? Because it just gives you the 80-20 here. If you were single, and you want to attract another woman, right to be your partner, what are the things that you would change to get your ideal partner, not just to get a woman, right? It’s easy. Anybody can go to a bar and pick up somebody, but to get the woman you wanted? Who do you get to become to attract that person? Most of you, it’s going to be working out and diet. Some of you got that area dialed in some of you guys. It’s business. I gotta make more money. The truth is, I’m bankrupt, or I’m poor, I’m not pulling it in, or I’m working for somebody else. And I’m not making money I need to, and I’ve always talked about this side hustle or this business. I just never started. Don’t be that guy. Right? What do you get to do to do that? And then, as soon as you figure that out, you write those things down. Maybe it’s five to 10 things. Get granular with yourself. start breaking down. What is the next action step you can take? quickly as possible. All right, need to work out? Why am I not working out? Okay, I got gym equipment. Cool. While I’m not doing it? Oh, cool. I’m going to get a personal trainer, 75 or 100 bucks. I don’t know if I want to spend that money. divorces, more expensive boys. Right? Think about it. Call a trainer, call the gym, book your session. Now. You don’t have a trainer for life. Right? Maybe the trainers get you in the gym. Right? Start do it now. Diet, start ordering. There’s in the States, at least. And Tim, I’m sure everywhere in the world, especially the UK. There are meal delivery services, meal delivery. If you’re on keto, there’s a factor here in the States. You could do all kinds of stuff to get meal delivery, call it today, right? Take care of that until you learn to cook for yourself or make better choices, right? eliminate the bad habits with being social, right? Join some social activities, even if they’re online; start. And then, if it’s growth, right, get involved in the Facebook group. If you’re ready, join The Activation Method. If you haven’t, The Activation Method is designed to activate you. Right, It’s purposely designed. You’re gonna get the alpha Rise and shine. Live Like A King system to try to connect. We’re going to go over that with you. We feel it’s the best program. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be involved, quite honestly. And then also if it comes down to another area, maybe as Tim said, your style. Right, look at your wardrobe. Are you still wearing shirts from high school all the time? It’s COVID. It doesn’t matter. I’m gonna wear my sweats all day. Not comb my hair, not cut my nails, not wash my balls, all those that no. Do it as if you’re going out on a date. If you’re going on a date, in the morning, you’re going on a date. Take care of yourself. Take a shower, wash all your parts, boys shave and trim if you want to. do what’s best for you. But take care of yourself as if you’re going out on a first date with a hot, hot woman. If you do that daily, I guarantee things around your house are gonna change, and you gotta pass the shit test, you’re gonna get a lot of shit tests. If you start doing this. You’re also gonna get a lot of questions about whether you’re cheating on your wife. As a caveat here, Tim, a big caveat. Can you guess what that is?

Tim Matthews  20:26  

No.

Doug Holt  20:27  

Maybe it’s a warning. So what happens here, guys, is

Tim Matthews  20:31  

If she doesn’t show it, this doesn’t pick her interest? If she doesn’t know it’s, then there are bigger problems. 

Doug Holt  20:37  

No, that’s not as bad as this one. I know this because I ran a gym in Santa Barbara, California, for over a decade of a fitness facility. So I saw this happen all the time. As soon as people break up, they go to the gym, especially women, especially women. I can guarantee you a single divorcee all the time. And in all the time, women on the verge right before the Separation, Divorce, etc. They’re going to the gym, and they’re taking they’re handling their business, women are good planners. The caveat is if you start doing this, Tim, you don’t have this worry. But so let’s say it’s an alternate Tim. The caveat is if you start doing this, other women are gonna start finding you more and more attractive, even more than they do now. And the problem with this one is your wife’s gonna go nuts, right? She’s gonna start checking your phone, think you’re cheating, etc., etc. The problem with this is the temptation. Because women are much more aggressive than men, they will start creating opportunities for you in my experience. So if you were a six on the scale of one to 10, sexual value, you bump up to a seven, maybe an eight, right? You bump up to an eight, and your wife’s still six; maybe she’s a seven. So your higher sexual value than she is. Women are gonna start making opportunities for you to come to their house, to their office to come to your office. You know, at the gym, they’re gonna start walking you to the car and talking to you. They’re going to create opportunities for hookups and a kiss. As many of the guys know, kiss even or going to the hotel room and knocking boots can destroy a marriage, you can destroy what you’re trying to do. So be careful, guys. This is like playing with a loaded weapon because, quite honestly, as men, we don’t always think as clearly as we could. Especially I’ve seen this happen a lot. Especially if you’ve been a six, I’ll use that analogy for a while, and you upgrade to an eight. And that woman, maybe she’s at work a co-worker, the barista or whoever, that you’ve had the hots for him and fantasize and jerking off to four years, all of a sudden, she starts noticing you, she starts coming on to you. The temptation of those fantasies built up can cause a lot of problems in marriages, guys. So that’s your warning, you’re playing with a loaded weapon.

Tim Matthews  22:54  

Quite literally,

Doug Holt  22:55  

Quite literally, you got it. Guys, we’ve given you some action points here, right. And it’s up to you to take action can’t do the push-ups for you. So you get to do the action or make that list—bonus points. I’ll give you guys double bonus points if you post your list into the Facebook group, right? And the reason I’m asking you to do this is purely accountability. There’s no one here who is going to judge you. 90% of your list is going to be identical. It’s a pretty common thing, no big deal. But make your list. And what is the action step you are going to take immediately? What’s the plan? Right, “Doug? I can’t afford the gym”, “I can’t afford The Activation Method.”, “I can’t afford new clothes.”, “I don’t have time to go shopping,” or whatever it is. All right, I want to see your plan on saving for it. I want to see your plan on creating time in your calendar. I want to see the no excuse BS action you’re going to do. You’re listening to this; you’re taking the time. So there are opportunity costs for you already. So do the steps, guys, do the steps. Double bonus points. How often you get that right in life. Tim, anything you want to leave the guys with?

Tim Matthews  23:59  

Yeah, it’s interesting. Yesterday, we had moved to a new place. And yesterday, we had a delivery box full of clothes and ordered on Sunday new clothes, all that fun stuff and put them on yesterday for the first time and is like “Why? Why are you doing that?” You know what, why are you wearing those new clothes you didn’t hear? And you know why? Because now it’s important for me to feel good to look or to feel good. When you could see it, something the cogs when it’s time to, so it’s true, guys, you get this, and you know, pass a shit test as well—see if I’ll go back to the slacks. But yeah, it works. This stuff works.

Doug Holt  24:50  

It does. It does. And you guys will notice, guess what? Your wife probably will start working out even better too. Right. If you’re at the same value. She will if she starts seeing you do it. She’s waiting for you to lead. What’s going on here, guys? Anyway, gentlemen, as always, thank you for being with us today. Man, if this is your first time with us, please go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus, where you can get free training. That’s ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus just for our podcast listeners. And if you’ve been with us before, you know what I’m going to say. If you haven’t already, please leave a rating wherever you’re finding this, whether, on YouTube, Spotify, Stitcher, iTunes; wherever this is put out, we’d love to hear from you guys. It helps us get found by other men just like you. I know it sounds tedious, maybe, because I’ve heard it all the time. But it does help, guys. And I would greatly appreciate it if you could take a moment to do that. All right, gentlemen, as always, take action, and we’ll see you next time.