43 min read
Episode 1144
What do you do when trust has been broken, communication feels impossible, or you feel like you're growing while your partner stays the same?
In this live coaching Q&A, Doug Holt answers real questions from men facing some of the most common relationship challenges. From rebuilding trust after an emotional affair to handling a spouse who shuts down, managing anxiety, navigating personal growth, and bringing more connection back into a marriage, this conversation is filled with practical insights you can apply right away.
Throughout the episode, Doug shares why consistency matters more than grand gestures, how walking on eggshells can actually create more distance, and what it means to become a steady, grounded presence for your partner. He also dives into the challenges that come with personal growth, supporting a spouse through difficult seasons, and creating more fun and connection in everyday life.
You'll also hear coaching around professional transitions, overcoming self-doubt, dealing with relationship anxiety, supporting your wife through stressful seasons of life, and staying focused on becoming the best version of yourself regardless of what challenges you're facing.
This episode is a reminder that stronger relationships are built when men stop trying to control outcomes and start focusing on their own growth, leadership, and consistency. If you're looking for practical relationship advice, marriage coaching, or ways to become a stronger husband, father, and man, this conversation is for you.
Want to understand what's really causing disconnection in your relationship and what you can do to fix it?
Get the free training here: https://thepowerfulman.com/scales
Inside, you'll learn the key shifts that help rebuild trust, connection, respect, and intimacy in your marriage.
Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00 She doesn't need the “I'm gonna fix everything for you” guy. Allow her to be seen and heard. And when you walk on eggshells, you're showing her that you're unsure of your actions. And really, what you're doing is you're kind of being needy. But it doesn't come from a place of security or safety, because if you can't love yourself, you certainly can't love her. She didn't marry you. She married the guy she knew you could become. What happens when one person's growing and the other person isn't growing? It's not the man she married. It's not the man she fell in love with.
Hey guys, welcome to the first, I think, TPM live call. So on this call, what we're going to do is we're going to bring in guys one at a time. I don't know what questions they're going to ask. They may not even know what questions they're going to ask, but we're going to see. We're just going to answer the men's questions as they come up. And if you like this format, please let me know, and we'll do more of these. They're fun for me, and I really just love helping the guys. Such a great group of men.
So with that being said, let's get to the first call.
Jay 1:07 Good morning or afternoon.
Doug Holt 1:10 Good morning, good afternoon to you too, Jay. How are you, man?
Jay 1:13 I'm doing great. Yourself?
Doug Holt 1:17 I'm doing very well, thank you. So welcome to our first live call that we've done this way.
Jay 1:22 Thank you for having me. In my situation, I was the one who caused an emotional tear. And one of the things I've been dealing with a lot lately is anxious attachment and dealing with anxiety from a grayscale just everything falling apart trying to keep things together, trying to keep her more interested in making sure we stay on the same path.
And one of the things that I've been dealing with a lot is the fact of trying to separate how she is processing not just that, but around the same time her dad died. Being able to separate knowing that she is processing that, or she's processing this. And maybe there's other guys in my situation who were the ones at fault trying to figure out are we projecting shame? Are we projecting guilt into trying to feel like we're scrambling and grabbing at everything?
And how do I how do we de-escalate in our brains so we don't let it control us?
Doug Holt 2:23 Man, there's a lot there.
Jay 2:25 So we don't let it control us.
Doug Holt 2:28 Yep. No, I totally get what you're saying, Jay. You said, “I caused the emotional affair.” Did you have the emotional affair, or do you feel that you caused her to have one?
Jay 2:38 No, I did. I did.
Doug Holt 2:39 Okay, just want to make sure that we're on the same page here, man.
So a lot of trauma going on, right? Your wife finds out that you have an emotional affair, and as you're saying, around the same time her dad dies, correct?
Jay 2:53 So last year was basically a year from hell. At the beginning of May, one of my best friends killed himself. At the end of the month, her dad passed away. A couple of months later, in July, I watched a very traumatic accident happen. I watched somebody die in front of me.
Then all of a sudden, I thought I was helping out somebody that I used to be in a relationship with an ex-girlfriend of mine trying to help her and her son find a job. And then I got too caught up in texting and getting too close and never talking to my wife about it.
In September, she finds out, and I've been feeling like I've been walking on eggshells for eight months straight. I found you guys around that time in September. I joined the Navigate group. The group's been great. Everybody's great in there. Everybody's been supportive, and I appreciate everybody in there.
Right now, I just am dealing with a lot of anxiety that I'm just trying to figure out the best course of de-escalating in my own head.
Doug Holt 3:50 Man, well, first of all, what both of you are going through you and your wife is trauma, you know? I feel sorry for her in particular, just for the loss of her father.
So the thing that most guys do and women do the same thing when they feel they're at fault, right, with an affair, an emotional affair they try to overcorrect. And it's out of good intention. The intention is to make the other person feel better, right? You want to take away her pain, and you want to reconcile, is my guess.
So what they start doing is a version of horse trading. And what I mean by that is they start doing things or showing up in ways in that relationship with the expectation and hope that the other person will recognize their good intentions and thus appreciate them, change, or see that they made a mistake and that they feel sorry.
And what this can do at that time is it can seem disingenuous to the other person. And why is that? If your wife is intuitive which I'm going to guess she is she's going through this hard experience, and she's knowing that you, in this particular case, could be doing actions because you feel guilty, right? You're walking on eggshells, to your own admission. That right there alone she's going to feel that. She's going to feel the fact that you're unsure, that you're on unsteady ground now. Some of that may be warranted given the circumstances. So I'm not saying it's not.
And it's not the man she married. It's not the man she fell in love with.
So the key here isn't just acting like nothing ever happened. That's not it at all. The key here is being very steady, very stable, and grounded for her during this time of transition.
It sounds like she stayed with you through the emotional affair, and then she had something really big happen she lost her father. And this is where she's going to need you the most grounded version of you.
She doesn't need the “I'm gonna fix everything for you” guy. That's us as men. We want to fix things for people, which is natural for us. It's what we're good at. That's not what she's looking for. She's probably looking for the grounded version of you that can be there for her, that is going to be her rock, her steady place.
And that's going to take consistency. You're going to have to you get to consistently show up for her in a very grounded state.
So you've been through the Navigate program, which is one of our programs. And one of the things you're going to learn in there is the Alpha Rise and Shine. You've got to stick with that, because that's your routine that's going to help you out in being consistent.
The other thing is you really get to allow her to be seen and heard around her hurt around the emotional affair and around her father. Really anything else she has coming up for her in the relationship.
I can tell you wouldn't be in our program if you didn't love her, right? If you didn't care about the relationship, if you didn't care about her as a person, you wouldn't have put in the time, the effort, or the investment. And so that tells me that you really want this to work out. You want to take her pain away but you can't.
But you can be there for her as her solid foundation. And that's really what she's looking for right now, is my guess. Obviously, I'm guessing because I don't know her. But based on the tens of thousands of people that we've worked with at TPM, that's most likely what she's needing from you.
And when you walk on eggshells, you're showing her that you're unsure of your actions. And really what you're doing is you're kind of being needy because you're walking around or you're doing actions to get a result, right?
“I don't want to do this because I don't want to upset her. I don't want to do that because I don't want to upset her. I don't want to say the wrong thing.”
Which comes from a great place. It comes from a place of love. It comes from a place of good intention. But it doesn't come from a place of security or safety.
It doesn't mean you're a jerk. But I can tell you love her. So you do things for her and for yourself. Because if you can't love yourself, you certainly can't love her.
And so she needs to see that you're taking care of yourself, that you're loving yourself. It's not that she doesn't want to see you beating yourself up she doesn't but she wants to know it's not going to happen again. And that happens with consistency and staying focused.
Does that help, Jay?
Jay 8:24 That does help a lot. I've been doing the ARS. There are certain days where you kind of get caught up, or you're on vacation, you try to do it, you can't get to it. I notice a difference in myself when I don't do it and don't do the entire thing. That's the other part of it if you do the walk, or you exercise, or you do part of it, but you don't journal, then I get in a spiral. Because consistency breeds content, and that's where I’ve got to get to. I’ve got to keep consistent. I’ve got to keep doing the thing.
Doug Holt 8:57 Well, it's more than that, right? The consistency shows her that you're rock solid.
You weren't consistent in the marriage. Let's just say I'm her. For me to believe that Jay is a changed man and you're really just the same guy, you just screwed up but for me to believe and trust in Jay, I need to know that Jay is doing the things.
It's not the new car smell, you know what I’m saying? Like this is going to wear off. He took this course. Now I'm seeing Jay being the man I knew he always could be and always wanted.
But I'm too scared to open my heart up again to Jay because this may go away. What I need is consistency from Jay. Consistent proof that this is not the new Jay, but this is Jay. And this isn't going to go away when times get tough, when something else happens in Jay's life because it's going to happen that this is just who he is and he made a mistake.
So that's going to be consistency. That consistency allows me to have trust in somebody, but also trust in yourself that you're honoring your word to yourself.
Because if you can't honor your word to yourself, are you going to honor your word to me?
Jay 10:14 No, I appreciate that. That's where I've got it. It's not just about her and the relationship. It's about me and making sure that I put myself into that perspective and making sure that I'm taking care of myself.
Doug Holt 10:27 Man, she wants you to. She didn't marry you she married the guy she knew you could become, and the guy she knew you are deep down inside that you probably don't even know yet. And so what frustrates a lot of our wives is when we don't rise up to that man. It's frustrating for them. She's like, “I can see Jay. I can see how amazing he is. Why isn't he doing this?”
And then we can breed seeds of doubt when Jay says he's going for a run in the morning and has six beers at night and doesn't go for the run. I don't know you’re probably not doing that but you get the idea.
Consistency.
But you also get to hear her, man. Do the HIT. Use The Hidden Motives Technique you learned. Use the Clean Slate letter and method that you've learned and reinforce it. And if the same issues come up again and again, it's because she doesn't feel complete that you completely understand her pain or where she's coming from.
If this version of Jay that shows up as his best is the real you, you want to be this guy anyway, whether she stays or not. So just keep showing up as that best version of you, because it helps you out and also helps her out. And just keep being consistent, man. Keep showing up. You got it, brother.
Corey 11:47 All right.
Doug Holt 11:47 Never know what Corey is going to bring here. What's up?
Corey 11:55 Good deal. Okay, so my question is, when my wife stonewalls me like completely shuts down, goes silent, kind of acts like I'm not even there I find myself stuck, basically, with two options: either chase her, lose my dignity, or kind of go cold and drift apart.
How do I do my inner work, stay rooted in my own strength, ground myself with love, and remain a steady rock for this relationship without falling into either of those traps?
Doug Holt 12:29 This all comes back to taking care of you filling Corey's cup.
You fall into those traps when you're more worried about your wife's external validation when you hold what your wife thinks about you and how Corey shows up higher than how Corey thinks about himself. Does that make sense?
So as soon as I value Erin's opinion of me higher than I value my opinion of me, that's when you go into DEER mode Defend, Excuse, Explain, React. That's when it's hard to hold boundaries because you're scared, naturally, because you're running up against this dominant paradigm or viewpoint of who Corey is or who Doug is.
So the example I like to use: I think I'm a really good dad. So Corey, if you come up to me and say, “Doug, you're a horrible father,” look at your reaction. You're just laughing. “Whatever, dude. You're so full of shit, Doug. You have no clue what you're talking about,” right?
Now, if there's a part of you that holds my opinion equal to or higher than your own, and I attack your relationship “Corey, you're horrible at holding boundaries” if you believe that to be true, you'll shrink naturally. A little part of you inside shrinks, as much as you want to fight it.
So when we double down on self self-care, taking care of ourselves, filling our cups, believing in the value that we have and I know you hate me saying this but you're going to an Alpha Reset. It's going to help so much, brother. I'm so excited for you.
When we refine the man inside it's like finding the 20-something-year-old version of Corey, but with the wisdom of 37 or 38 that's when the magic happens. And you know who you are at a very rooted level.
When I first started this journey, I would have laughed if someone said, “You don't really know who you are.” Of course I know who I am. But at a rooted level, I didn't. And that made me unstable. You could shake me a little bit.
The more we get to know ourselves at our core, the harder it is for outside people in this case, your wife to shake your paradigm. That doesn't mean don't value her opinion. Of course you do. You married a smart, powerful woman.
Strong men do not marry weak women. They just don't.
So I'm going to assume you married a very intelligent, very smart, very strong and independent woman. And she has every right and should test you.
Corey 15:27 Honor those tests.
Doug Holt 15:30 The tests are there for you. It's her checking to see if she's safe. That's why we call it a safety test versus a shit test. It's a bid for safety. “Am I safe here?”
So how do we get into that mode?
One is recognizing it. When my wife comes at me it feels like she's coming at me even though she doesn't feel that way. But if I remember it's her checking to see if she's safe, it de-escalates it for me.
I've changed the paradigm to think, “That's kind of cool. She wants me to provide safety. She's not going somewhere else to get it. She's coming to me.”
And when I screw up which I do I get to laugh at myself. Not in a degrading way, but you've been around me long enough to know I tell a lot of dumb jokes. I like to laugh. I like to have a good time. I like to make people smile, and sometimes that person is me.
So I'll think, “Doug, come on, dude. How did you get upset with that?” And then I go clean it up with my wife.
I call it the elephant in the room. Because she knows when I don't pass the test consciously or unconsciously she knows. And then I can clean it up.
“Okay, you know what, Erin? I didn't like that last interaction. I didn't show up as my best version of myself.” And then I'll explain what was going on, assuming it's appropriate. You’ve got to read the situation.
That also allows me to hold boundaries. Because the boundaries I set in my relationship are not just boundaries for me they’re the best boundaries for her. Which means they're done with love.
Because if I let her walk all over me, I'm no longer safe. I'm no longer the man she wants me to be. I'm a doormat. And she doesn't want a doormat. She would have bought a Labrador.
When I set a boundary, I'm setting it from a place of love for myself and for our relationship. “This is what's best for me and our relationship.”
I'm not a jerk about it. And if I truly believe it's the best, then I need to fiercely hold that boundary. Because I need to do what's best for her.
Coming through.
Corey 18:07 Great, thank you.
Doug Holt 18:08 Does that help?
Corey 18:09 Absolutely.
Doug Holt 18:11 Awesome, brother. Great to see you, man.
Corey 18:13 You too.
Doug Holt 18:13 How you doing, Eli?
Eli 18:15 Good. Now, I lost my screen, but if you could see me, I'm fine.
Doug Holt 18:18 I could see you just fine. Looking good, man.
Eli 18:21 I lost you.
Doug Holt 18:24 Well, you're win what's your question, Eli?
Eli 18:29 So… hey, first of all, I appreciate what you and your wife… I love watching your podcasts, and Franco was a great coach.
Doug Holt 18:37 Awesome.
Eli 18:38 Your discussion with Corey there kind of rang the same question I had. You know, how to proceed on this journey in life and to connect to the 20… I'm, you know, trying to connect to the 22-year-old of myself. It's just an interesting journey. You know, you're kind of journeying forward to connect to the person you've lost and how to do that. You know, some pointers in how to do that process.
Doug Holt 19:11 I can tell you the number one best way, and we’ve got Mr. Peter Smith here in the waiting room too. So don’t just take my word for this and it’s going to sound self-serving, and it’s not, because nothing changes in my life but The Alpha Reset is an event that’s transformational. You embody that change, and it happens hard and fast. But again, thousands of guys have been through it. Don’t take my word for it. Ask any of them. They’ll tell you it’s the best thing, if not the top two, of their entire lives including kids being born, people’s religious experiences it’s that transformational.
So you can go in the community and just ask them about it. But short of that, because that’s just too easy of an answer to be like, “Hey, just go to an event.” But again, I would encourage you to ask any man that’s ever been to one. Don’t have to talk to me I’m not the only one in the company ask them their experience based on what you just asked, and I guarantee they will tell you, run, don’t walk.
So short of the Alpha Reset, let’s say for some reason you can’t ever go to something like that. Really the key is getting real with yourself of what it is you lost and when you lost it. When did Eli stop being that aspirational 20-something-year-old that, you know, had the dreams and all the energy and all the things that he wanted in life?
And what are the stories that did… what stories from society, from your parents, from your wife, from your friends, from your community did you accept and allow them to put upon you? Because when you’re in your 20s, you don’t accept those stories as easily, and that allows you to be a little bit more true to your center.
Now, the difference is, I’m going to guess you’re not in your 20s anymore. And so you’re probably in your 40s or so. You’ve got a lot more wisdom and knowledge under your belt than you had in your 20s. I always jokingly say, in your 20s your testosterone is here, wisdom somewhere here. If you were me, it’s a little lower you can’t see me, but you can guess where my hands are, right? And that analogy.
And the key is marrying the two getting them back. But you have to get rid of those old stories that are holding you back. And those old stories and those old beliefs weigh you down, right? I’m not talking about religious beliefs or things like that, although those could play a part. What serves you, Eli, today to your highest level, and what doesn’t? And have you taken inventory of those?
Most people never think about it, right? And that’s the funny thing. I use this analogy all the time, Eli. I have an iPhone, and it probably asks me to update it four to six times a year update the software. So you update the software, but when’s the last time Doug took the time to update the software between his ears, the software in his heart?
And there’s a reason they say the longest journey for a man is from his head to his heart.
Eli 22:28 Love it.
Doug Holt 22:30 And the more you can do that, brother, the closer you can get. And that’s when you can taste it. Because I’m sure you’ve seen it at times glimpses of it. Felt it. Kind of like, “Where is that guy again?” Yep. Where is he?
Eli 22:41 He’s coming.
Doug Holt 22:42 That’s right. It’s more uncovering than adding. Subtraction is better than adding right now.
Eli 22:52 You said something when you started about fun. I think that’s very important. Fun creates connection. It creates an opportunity for openness. You know, I think even for me, coming on, you know, we have the fun drained out of us. We come in with straight faces. We forget to have fun.
Doug Holt 23:15 Yes. I mean, Eli, I told this story. For some reason, my wife and I always fought about money. And we’d have conversations around money, but I would show up to those conversations around our dinner table like it was a board meeting. I’d have the spreadsheets ready, man. I’d have everything looking good. Why are we arguing? Why isn’t she finding this fun? Huh? Like such a moron, right?
When I started making it fun and saying, “Hey, what do we want to do this year? What do we want to dream about?” then my wife would get excited. I’d get into her world, she’d get into mine because I changed it and allowed myself to have some more fun with it.
Awesome job, man. Great having you here. Thanks for being here.
Eli 23:59 Thanks.
Doug Holt 24:00 Got it, buddy. Mr. Smith.
Mark 24:03 What’s up, dude?
Doug Holt 24:04 Hey, great to see you, brother. It’s been a while.
Mark 24:06 Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Doug Holt 24:07 Still looking good.
Mark 24:09 You’re gonna recess.
Doug Holt 24:13 Nice, nice. What’s going on?
Mark 24:16 Get to one, that’s all I can tell you.
Doug Holt 24:19 Yep.
Mark 24:21 I’ve got… my question’s kind of weird, but we’ll see what happens. So I’m going through a really big professional transition where some really great opportunities have presented themselves, but it kind of requires shedding, you know, 10-year-old skins and ideas and goals that, upon reflection, might… like maybe weren’t even mine. You know what I’m saying? Just following somebody else’s lead.
So I was just like, I know that they’re great opportunities. I’m all in. I’m all into the transitions in my business and everything, but there’s a little bit of like imposter syndrome or like having to convince myself that I didn’t necessarily fail in what I was doing. I just failed at certain aspects of what I was doing. And if any of that resonates with you, I was hoping maybe you could just speak to that or offer some advice. I know you’ve transitioned in several businesses, so figured let’s see what Doug had to say about it.
Doug Holt 25:26 Never failed before, Peter. Sorry, can’t help. Perfect, man.
A lot of times when people make pivots, they think, “Hey, I’m going from A to B,” and if they pivot right or pivot left, that’s failure because I haven’t reached B, right? I haven’t committed. And there are some caveats here, and I’ll come back to the caveats.
The thing is, when you’re sitting at A, the place you are now, and you’re going towards B, you didn’t know C existed. You couldn’t see it. So a paradigm shift could be that you were going towards the best opportunity that was in front of you or presented to you based on the information that you had. And along that journey, new information presented itself. And you would be foolhardy or aka super stubborn, which I know you’re not just to keep going to B, even though C is there, right?
So the rubric I use for myself, because I’m an entrepreneur, so I start seeing C, D, E, and I want all of them… the rubric that I’ll ask myself is, am I switching directions because it’s boring or hard, or is this truly a better opportunity?
And when I look at the opportunities, what happens? What are the pros? What are the cons? The classic pro-con list that stuff’s the easy stuff. It’s the psychology that’s the harder part, like that paradigm shift, right? And that’s an identity issue, right? Am I a quitter? Am I giving up too early?
You know, business is hard. The game of business is hard at times. Am I quitting because it’s hard and starting over is easy? It’s like relationships. Dating the first date’s easy, man. If you had only first dates your whole life, it would just be easy. It’d be boring, probably, or it wouldn’t be as meaningful, fulfilling, or rich.
But a lot of guys will stick through the hard parts because it’s worth it. Some guys don’t, right? Some guys go, “Hey, this is not worth it.” That’s the decision you get to make with the business opportunities. Are you switching business opportunities because it’s the flavor of the month? Are you switching business opportunities because the other one is tough right now? Or are you switching business opportunities because it’s a better opportunity?
Mark 28:09 I like that. And I know the answer it’s a better opportunity. And it’s smarter. It’s easier. It’s all that. But there’s, you know, you still get that little gremlin in the back of your head. Like even though… it still takes work. It still takes all the same amount of work. It’s just, hey, it’s just a better opportunity. You know? That’s all there is to it.
Doug Holt 28:31 I mean, new is always sexier, right? It just is. And so you get to look at, you know, if this opportunity became as stale five years from now, one year from now nowadays, right or even six months, would it still be a better opportunity? If the answer is yes, then you have pretty much what you need.
You’re a smart guy. You know if it’s a good opportunity or not, or if it’s worth your time.
Mark 28:55 I already know that. It was the mental framing, like you said the psychology. And you hit like three completely awesome points there, which I fully expected.
Doug Holt 29:07 It’s good seeing you, man. It’s good seeing you. Love to do a catch-up with you at some point soon.
Mark 29:11 That’d be great.
Doug Holt 29:12 Anything else I can do for you, sir?
Mark 29:14 Man, you can just have the best afternoon humanly possible and tell your wife and kids hello, you know.
Doug Holt 29:20 I will. I certainly will.
Mark 29:22 Appreciate it, brother.
Doug Holt 29:23 Take care. If you can start your video, if you can
German 29:27 I’m driving right now, so unfortunately I can’t.
Doug Holt 29:30 No worries, man. No worries. I always like seeing you guys’ faces, but that’s all good. That’s worth what we got. I’m here to help.
German 29:37 Awesome, man. Well, thank you so much for the time. And this is pretty cool, the time you're giving to some of these gentlemen.
So my question is, my wife and I, we’ve been going through some stuff, and we’ve actually reconciled and fixed the relationship. November, December, we had great connection. Intimacy was up. Communication was up. Just everything was great.
After December, things were still good, but they kind of reverted back a little bit more. Not roommates with rings, but it was kind of just an old, mundane relationship. And you know, I’ve kept my frame, I’ve kept things fun. We’ve been going on more dates together. We’ve been hanging out more with our children in the backyard, doing more projects in the house. But it’s more of the mundane, obviously.
We want to spice up the relationship. I want to spice it up. I don’t want the same old everyday thing. I want the intimacy, the whole night. And there’s times where… just like… and I understand my wife is under a lot of stress at work with her job and everything. She’s probably going through some female hormonal stuff on her own. But what would you suggest bringing that I don’t want to say spark but bringing that fun back? Because, I mean, we do, like I said, we hang out at the house, we do all these things, but there’s times where it’s just like I just want more.
Doug Holt 30:57 I bet she does too, though, right? Maybe different, but more in a different way.
So first of all, kudos to you for wanting more for you and wanting more for her, and getting you guys to a place where things are really good. You know, most people don’t get to touch that again. So awesome job for putting in the work and making that happen.
So, you know, we talk about at TPM this being a CFO the Chief Fun Officer and sometimes that can be tough. Like, what are those creative ideas I can do? Because life is routine. You mow the yard, you’re driving to work, you got kids, you’re cooking dinner, cleaning the house. These are just routines that can be more difficult to make fun, though some guys make them fun. A little bit more difficult for me to naturally do it.
So one thing I’ll do is I’ll actually go to the community in the app for TPM and ask, and I’ll start getting ideas from guys like, “How do you make dinner fun?” Well, there’s a guy you tag him Chef Gregory, Gregory Jackson. He’s a professional chef, awesome, fun guy. He can give you a million ideas on how to make dinner super fun, dancing with them, spicing it up.
To spice things up when I hear “spice things up,” what I hear is bring in something new, right? The opposite of spicing something up is bland or monotony or routine. So how do you change things up?
Now changing things up for some guys could be as simple as switching up your routine. Your wife probably knows exactly when you get home what you do. You walk in the door, you put your keys in the same place, your shirt, your hat, your shoes, whatever it is. How do you spice it up? Do you come home with a different outfit on? Do you come home and crank up the music a different kind of music and start dancing? Do you spice things up by asking questions?
I have, back over my shoulder, a card game book of questions. I think it’s Brene Brown’s. I think I’d have to look. I get it wrong whose it is. But I have a bunch of these things, and these are like question cards that you can bring into play. Some are risqué that I have, and I’ll bring those.
In fact, I took my wife on a date night, and for that date night, something we don’t normally do is go to art galleries. So we went to a bunch of art galleries, and they had wine and they had cheese, and it was fun. We had a really good time. We played a game of which picture would we put on our wall if we bought them. We didn’t buy anything.
Then we went across the street to a restaurant, and we ended up going, “Hey, let’s just grab a drink real quick.” We ended up seeing some other couples that we knew, and we knew the owners of the restaurant.
But what unbeknownst to her, German, is I put about 40 of those question cards in my pocket. And they’re mixed they’re a mixture of intimacy cards, risqué cards, dream cards, you know, get-to-know-you type questions. And I pulled in my pocket and I just started asking her questions, and she would ask me in return. And that ended up being such a fun thing. The other couples were looking at us and asking us questions about them.
So that was a unique and different experience than our typical date nights are, because it was just different. It wasn’t just a boring, “Hey, let’s go to dinner.”
And Chris Andreessen does a great podcast episode if you go to the TPM podcast with me and he talks about this. And he goes, “Taking your wife to dinner is not a date. It’s dinner. You can make it a date, but it’s dinner.”
So I would encourage you to really think about, how can I I know you don’t use “spice it up,” but I’m going to use it how can I spice it up by bringing newness and fun into it? How can I bring vibrancy and life into the areas and try new things?
And sometimes those new things aren’t fun. Sometimes they suck. I mean, I got dance lessons for my wife and I, and I can tell you, man, I cannot dance. So it was pure comedy. It’s not my thing, but it was different. And it made us both laugh both at me and at each other and having fun. And we tried something new, so we had more connection coming into it.
German 35:10 That does help. And those are the things we have done. Like we have done dance lessons, we’ve done escape rooms, we’ve done, you know… like you should be in the room with us, with the kids, and I’ll just kind of come in doing like the brown chicken, brown cow just being silly. Just being stupid and silly and being the CFO is, you know, one of the things that I have definitely learned to do.
My children always tell me, “Hey, you’re so much more fun.” I watch shows with my kids. My daughter and I went swimming the other day. So it’s just I definitely see where you’re going with being more fun around the house. Coming up with new things sometimes is the difficult part.
Doug Holt 35:51 Dude, 100%.
So in the TPM community, in the app, there are over 2,600 guys. Use them. I post in there frequently in the different groups. So I’m in about 50 actually more I’m in over 100 different groups in there. We’re going to narrow it down because the app becomes hard to navigate the more groups you get in.
Post in there like, “Hey guys, I’m looking for creative ideas to spice things up inside and outside the bedroom,” depending on where you want to be, right? Or “I’m looking for fun date night ideas.”
You’ll probably have ideas that I haven’t thought of, and I might have ideas you haven’t thought of. And I can tell you, German, there are some creative dudes in there that have some just amazing ideas.
And I also do this with my kids, right? I run out of things for my kids sometimes. I don’t know if you do, but I run out. So I’ll go, “Hey guys, my six-year-old daughter I want to do something special for her next week. Anybody got an idea?” And they’ll throw them out.
And that’s where I start. I call it liberating ideas. Some say stealing. I’m freeing them and starting to use them. And even if I might not use your exact idea, it may give me a variance of it.
And that’s the thing I think most men in the community forget about. You have over 2,600 like-minded men who are in there to better themselves for their families. That’s a special kind of dude. And I would use those guys in the nicest of ways to help me and give me some creative ideas.
German 37:22 Sounds good.
Doug Holt 37:25 And I’m looking for you to post your ideas in there so I can use them.
Awesome, brother.
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I’m sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what’s broken. And not only do you need to know what’s broken, but you need a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That’s the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you’re going to be toiling with things.
That’s why I created a free training a training that not only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have but how you get it back. How do you retain that? Where your wife’s looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said, “I do.”
You know, I don’t know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I’m her man, that feels like I can conquer the world. And I want that for you.
Simply go over to thepowerfulman.com/scales that’s thepowerfulman.com/scales and I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates for you.
Now, back to the podcast.
Doug Holt 38:34 Al.
Al 38:34 Hello.
Speaker 1 38:34 Hey Al, how are you, buddy?
Al 38:38 I am multitasking and not multitaskers so there you go. We got my wife, I got a customer, I got a gate thing, you know, and I’m listening to all this. But listening is my biggest thing.
And I want to say hi to German, because German and I are in our five our group of five even though I only have a group of three because I keep room for two, but I haven’t found those two yet.
Anyway, I appreciate everything. German and I have journeyed together so well, and our wives are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. So it’s been really, really good to be able to share that space with each other.
Doug Holt 39:28 Did you find it interesting when you first got involved? One is how close you can get to someone another guy and how similar?
Al 39:40 I mean, German, Eric, and Darren those are my three guys and we talk daily. There’s no doubt that we’re close. And I would drop everything in the world across the country if one of those guys needed it. Not that it’s not the guys in the TPM, but those guys we really, really hit some neat spaces. And when we all three get together, like this kind of podcast, it’s great. We talk about everything under the sun.
Doug Holt 40:18 Yep, I love it, man. It’s always funny when I talk to guys they’re like, “I can’t meet any guys in my area where I live.” I’m like, man, I can tell you, face-to-face isn’t always the best, but there are lots of great men out there.
Al 40:34 I’ve always been I just don’t like people. I love I can be fun and enjoy being out and being part of that, but I can really enjoy a person. But people themselves just drive me crazy, which is no big deal. I don’t have to do that.
But anyway, so I’m coming up to my year in TPM, in the Activation. I’m really curious about where the statistics lie, and it’s hard for me to say how this is going to be.
And if you hear my kids, it’s great, because you know they’re getting out early, and they don’t have track, and nobody knew this was scheduled but me.
Anyway, so on this journey, it seems like, you know, there’s the guys that they get divorced. Then you have guys like me, who are poster child for TPM: “Save their marriage today.” It could change any day.
Doug Holt 41:40 Certainly.
Al 41:41 We’re both here because we want to be, and we realize that that can, in any second, any time, just go really crazy.
And then there are guys that save their marriage and then decide to move on. So it seems like there’s really just pretty much those three paths, and eventually you’re going to land on one of those three, which makes sense if you think about it.
But for me, and where I’m at in your experience, because you’ve got a ton of it watching guys go these paths I’m coming up to a year. There are some other guys who pass a year or two years, and it’s all different times, but I watch guys kind of journey over.
And I’ll be talking about saving their marriages, but it could go a lot of different ways. But they either go down a real big rabbit hole where they’re really getting into personality types and just really dig and dig deep and really ripping their souls apart. Then you have the guys that are okay they just stay in the okay lane.
And then where I feel like I’m going is I’m really diving more into the now. And I don’t really care so much about personality types, but I love being in the now the time now and surrendering and just letting acceptance of where everything’s at and letting things come to me, which is leading me towards a lot more breath work, grounding
Doug Holt 43:32 Somatic work.
Al 43:33 I mean, and for lack of a knowledge base, more of a spiritual energy sense which can be religion, it can be a lot of things.
So I’m just curious where, in your experience, you see statistically guys go. You know, they’ve got these different paths.
And I guess I’m just curious some of the real fears would be that I outgrow past my wife because she doesn’t come along with me. And even though I love her so much, and she means everything in the world, at what point, you know, as you’re doing this pull and trying to grow at what point, at some point, do you do this and you let go?
So just curious kind of where the general stuff tends to go.
Doug Holt 44:21 I don’t have the stats, obviously, so I’m just going to give you my opinion.
So you’re right. When men enter TPM, they enter through two different paths. One is the guys that want to save or make their marriages better that’s the primary goal, is the marriage and relationship. Some guys aren’t married.
The second path is men who are just stuck and unclear. That’s a different program we call it the Ascension Blueprint. We’ve had that for a long time too. We just don’t market that one right now, but guys still find themselves in there.
So those are the two areas that guys come in.
Now, I’ve been with TPM for 10 years now. I’ve been doing TPM before that. I coached men and women, and I did a lot of business coaching. So this answer is going to give you like business coaching.
Where does a business owner need to focus on their business? It depends on what the constraint is and what their strengths and weaknesses are, right? So it’s not just one linear path that guys go on. That’s why at the beginning we focus on five territories: self, health, wealth, relationships, and business. So it could be any one of those five.
Now ideally, when guys come in from the relationship angle, my goal is to save the family. Selfishly and honestly, I’m more concerned about the kids than I am anybody else in there.
Al 45:47 I don’t disagree with that, because that is literally I let go of the marriage and wanted to save and build my relationship with my kids, which is actually just letting go of her and all of that and just accepting it’s done, whatever. We’ll rebuild, it’ll become something new, or it won’t. But my kids are the priority.
Just doing that and going all in like the first 90 days I tell you guys, you just really got to get to a point where you let it go, and you’re going to realize you’re just fine with or without her, but your kids are your keys.
Doug Holt 46:31 And the funny thing is, for most guys, that causes them to stop being needy and a bunch of other things that come out. And all of a sudden they become more attractive. So the woman starts going, “Hey, there he is.”
So my goal is for the guys to save their marriages.
Sometimes guys come in and their wife is playing at a higher level than them, right? So the goal is for him to rise up to meet her, and the couple comes together.
Sometimes it’s fractured and the guy rises up above his wife, right? And ideally she rises up to meet him. Maybe neither have done any personal development or personal work. He goes through The Activation Method which is only eight weeks or The Brotherhood, which is a year, and he’s rising up. He’s learning all these things.
It’s like working out. The first year is the best year because you can gain the most muscle, lose the most fat.
And then ideally she comes along, and then they happily ever after.
Sometimes the guy comes in and he starts to rise up, and he goes, “Wait a minute. I didn’t realize I’ve been putting up with X, Y, and Z. I no longer want to be involved in this. I’m out.” And that happens too.
And guys go into a different program, they stay with us, they go on their own way whatever happens, happens.
I think the key when a guy finds himself rising above this is where he gets to show patience, gratitude, and empathy in most cases not all cases because to look down is judgment.
She’s on her own path right now.
Having said all that, there’s a lot of ways I can look at that, because my wife and I have been like this in different growth areas. And I also notice my wife is one of those people that I’ll find out a year later she’s been studying for a year or doing personal development, because she has to have it perfect before she comes out and tells anybody she’s doing anything.
I’m not that guy. I’m an entrepreneur. “Here’s where I’m going.”
Al 48:41 I’ve always jumped off a building face first, repelling, because I’ve just always felt like I would rather take it face first than get hit from behind. I just I won’t say it coming.
Doug Holt 48:53 And your wife then probably is opposite, right? That’s probably one of the reasons you got together.
Al 48:58 My wife is phenomenal, but she is one of those top-tier shit testers or I’m sorry safety testers. Either way.
Doug Holt 49:10 It’s all good. But that’s the thing if you know it’s a safety test, that’s great, right? In that sense, every day, all day long.
So the key theory what I see a lot of guys do wrong, I’ll tell you that, Al, and maybe this will help you, maybe not. What a lot of guys do wrong is they try to help their wife grow without her asking. And what it can come across as to any of us could be like, “Hey, Al, you know what you need to be doing? You really need to do X, Y, and Z.” Now we have a different relationship, but your wife and you it’s so much closer that could be much more triggering, and she might hear in her listening that she’s not good enough.
Al 49:51 I think I’ve become really good at like this is one place that I’ve excelled in not fixing it. Because I am… I would be that guy that was just always like, “This is what you need to do.”
And I mean, honestly, she’s been through two job changes in the last two months. It’s been huge, huge upheaval. And I’ve completely just been supportive. And actually, you know, she’ll I mean, she dumps her burdens all the time, and it’s just like, I just empathize and relate.
And there have been some points where I’m like, “Do you want to know what my opinion or how I feel about this is?” And she’ll say, “Absolutely,” and then I give it. Otherwise, it’s not that.
Doug Holt 50:41 So you’re kind of asking two questions am I listening? One is, what do guys do along their path? Two, what happens when one person’s growing and the other person isn’t growing?
Al 50:56 I mean, you know, honestly, for me it’s probably more of just… I mean, she’s got her journey and her thing. I can’t heal her. I can only be here, support, and listen. And that’s just it.
I think there’s also a deep fear that at some point I may grow past that. I don’t know if it’s just a fear it’s just a reality that it could happen because she isn’t… she does all her own self-growth. She probably is the type of person that can do that because she’s very, very into that.
And in a sense, I think maybe she’s shadowing because I’m leading and we’re communicating, and she’s intuitive enough to do that. But I would definitely say that I would hate to get to a point where I would have to let her go.
Doug Holt 51:50 Man, what a perfect example for your growth right now. Because you told me your growth path is about being in the now. You told me your growth path is more on the spiritual side. Yet your fears are all for the future.
So what a great dojo for you to train your spiritual path in, right? I didn’t think of it that way. How cool is this? This allows me to confront my fears and force me to be more present, to develop more of my spiritual path so I can truly let go.
Because if you’re worried about the future, you haven’t let go, right? So this is like the perfect voice just the way I look at it.
Al 52:34 Actually, the way you say that explains why I’m constantly just amazingly energized and challenged. I’m always 100% in with her, and I don’t let up, because anything’s possible with us. Anything’s possible for me. I create this world. She’s just with the journey, and she’s chosen to do it for now.
Doug Holt 52:58 Yes, I love it, man.
For me, it’s a great like I need paradigm things. When I think of the challenge as a fun challenge, right? Then all of a sudden it’s like, “Oh cool, it’s not a problem, this is a challenge.” Like now for me, it’s the dojo.
When I’m looking to grow, can I put myself in the dojo where I can train? I don’t want to go… I’m doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu now, right? I don’t want to go against the guys that just started yesterday. I want to go against the guys that are going to pummel me, because I’m going to learn faster.
Al 53:34 I want to learn by getting my ass kicked.
Doug Holt 53:37 Who better than your wife for this particular thing?
Al 53:40 Oh man, she’s perfect. She’s perfect for it, because she always has kicked my ass. She’s always held me to be a better person.
Doug Holt 53:48 Strong men marry strong women, brother.
Al 53:52 You could ask Jeremy. When we started this, he was like, “Man, I wish your wife… you guys have these conversations and stuff.” And then it got to the point where he’s like, “You know, I’m pretty happy we don’t, because you guys just go.”
And we do. Not in a bad way. It’s just she and I just enjoy riding that like a 10-second bull or whatever. It’s just… right? I fall off, I do, I screw up, and it’s okay. I get back on. It’s okay. It’s cool. We’re going to keep rolling.
Doug Holt 54:23 I always laugh at it, Al, when people say, “Oh, TPM, they hate women.” I’m like, no. All of these guys love and respect women. That’s why they’re here.
Al 54:34 This whole thing, it’s… man, I tell you what. Darren and I joke a little bit about it because he’s on a different path. You get to see him going from leaving the relationship to using the skills. He loves watching me and my wife’s interaction, and I love hearing about his new engagement.
Michelle said before, “You should just go find somebody new. It’d be so much easier.” And I say, “It would, but it’s not what I want.”
He’s gotten to watch me save my marriage and make it better than it’s ever been from the time we even started. And we’re fixing things. And I get to watch him grow and use his skills and sit in the unknown. Just everything heats up, you know?
And it’s really cool. Same thing with German. Same thing with them. Watching them really embody this. And we help hold that space and really accelerate all of this for each other accelerating ourselves on our journey.
And that’s what we try to tell the guys: find people that you click with and engage. Become part of that group. Post things. Vent things. Just carry each other. You will propel yourself. Otherwise, you get stagnant when you sit there and try to do it by yourself.
Cry when you got to cry. Let it out. Live in your emotion. It’s just amazing.
I don’t know where I was going with that because I’m just… oh, I know. I was thinking about the fact that you don’t force a program. It’s all a person’s own motivation. You either get what you give, period. And if you give 30%, you’re going to get 30% back.
But the guys who go all in and find this man, it is just like you said an awakening, an activation. And then it spirals. It just goes.
And people that are doing it and know it and want to be part of this they… at first, I just wanted to share it with everybody. And it just doesn’t work that way. You gravitate to the people.
I find people that are in that 1%, whether they’ve been through TPM or found it some other way. But it’s an amazing journey. I’ll never stop. I mean, it’s pretty cool. I love it.
Doug Holt 57:29 People gravitate toward people with like interests and values.
So our marketing is toward men who love growth, value family or the integrity of family not necessarily… those are the things. And then they usually have an adventurous mindset. Those are kind of the checklists that we look at.
So when you come in, you’re meeting guys who have invested time the most precious and invested money into bettering themselves for themselves and for their families. Not just guys who say they’re going to do something, but guys that actually do something.
And that’s a rare breed, man.
So you have aligned values. You have aligned interests. And you’re on a similar journey.
And for men like you you used the word engage you have to engage. You have to go all in, is what you said. And guys that do that, they meet guys like you who have their back, who say, “Hey, look, I’m willing to fly across the country to help these guys at the drop of a dime.” And you mean it.
And that’s because you’ve built a bond out of respect, love, mutual interest for each other, and you’ve gone all in.
Most people weigh on the sidelines of the game of life. And some people jump off the building headfirst.
Al 58:53 People don’t. I tell people, “Man, you want to talk to me about this stuff? I am going to be the most brutally honest, and you’re going to admit it, not me.”
I don’t hold anything back because honestly, I don’t have time for anybody to leave anything on the table. Just let it go. Really. You don’t have anything else to lose. Everything’s going to go to where it’s going to go, so why not just get it done?
This is hard for some guys, but they love it and they hate it. But the guys that call me and they’re asking that’s what they’re looking for. And they definitely move forward.
Doug Holt 59:43 Love it, Al.
Al 59:44 Love it. Just part of me, man. It’s a passion. Found a passion.
Doug Holt 59:50 Well, thank you, sir. I love all you’re doing in the community. Love having you here, man. All these guys cool.
Brother, well, thank you. I appreciate you.
Al 1:00:02 Thank you for your time.
Doug Holt 1:00:03 You got it, buddy. Take care. Bye.
Owen 1:00:05 Hey, sir. How are you doing? How’s everything going with everybody today?
Doug Holt 1:00:13 Everybody here’s good. You’re the only one on audio and video, so this is your chance to ask a question, if you’d like to, sir.
Owen 1:00:19 And that’s okay, I’ll take it. Sorry, I’m not normal skiffs. We are in Omaha, Nebraska right now and rather busy. If you’ve been paying attention to the news, I work up here at UNMC with the military contingent, so we’re staying rather busy.
Doug Holt 1:00:35 Okay. Well… what can I do for you today?
Owen 1:00:39 So I was just wondering if you had any suggestions on helping out the wife with little kids. We have a nine-month-old and a four-year-old, and it’s really that youngest age that’s really hard. The wife is still switching her body back. It’s still less sleep and everything like that. So just thoughts on that.
I get a pretty good idea on what I’m doing and helping her sleep, get her time to herself. Anything you have on that? So life with little kids.
Doug Holt 1:01:21 Man, totally get it. I have a six-year-old and a nine-year-old, so I’ve been through that stage of it.
Have you asked her what she needs?
Owen 1:01:33 I have, and her main response is, “I don’t know.”
Doug Holt 1:01:37 Okay, that’s fair. Then that becomes a little bit more difficult, and that becomes with you being consistent, right?
So the best thing you can do for her is be consistent and be there for her, right? Be the rock that she can count on for safety, because she’s going to go through hormonal changes. The not-sleep thing is real, you know, as you know.
And getting the things done around the house and helping out there’s not a magic button. It’s just really showing up consistently and lovingly and grounded each and every time.
So what my wife would say to me, Owen, is that my energy enters the house, and everybody in the house can feel it. So you have a high-stress job, right? There’s a few things going on for you. And the key for you is decompression before you walk in the door, probably more so than for me.
So you want to make sure that you’re grounded and decompressed, and you bring the husband that I know you are. I can see how much you care about your wife and your kids. That’s a beautiful thing.
Bring that guy in the door. Leave work at home to the best of your ability, and develop your decompression routine the one that works for you that allows Owen to show up, leave everything behind, and be there and be present for her.
I know when my wife and I had our kids, and they were young especially the little one my wife was like, “I just want to have an adult conversation. I just want to have a grounded adult conversation.”
So my job for her was to do all the things. As men especially a great doer I can do all the things. I’ll stay up. I’ll knock all that stuff out, right? I’ll get it done. But what she wanted me to be was a be-er. She wanted my time and my presence, which I wasn’t as good at, Owen, because I’m too busy knocking out all the details.
I can see the diapers need to be changed, this needs to be done, this I’m going to knock it out. But that was my love language.
If you came to my house when I was going through a hard time and said, “Doug, I got this. We’re going to build the deck. I’m going to knock it out for you,” I would be so appreciative, man. I’d be like, “You’re the best,” right?
My wife wouldn’t care. But if you came to my house and just hung out, sat on the couch, and chatted with her and were very present, she’d be like, “That Owen, he is the most amazing guy,” because that’s her love language. That’s what fills her tank up.
Okay? And what I did as a mistake is I thought by doing more for my wife she would be filled up more, because that was my goal. And it wasn’t working. She just wanted me to sit on the couch with her, which is not my thing, because I’ve got to be moving. I’m like, “Why are we sitting on the couch? There are plenty of things that need to be done here.” But that’s what she needed.
Owen 1:04:44 Even if she complains or maybe not complains but says, like, “This has to get done, this has to get done, we’re behind on this,” like it’s things she wants done. And I totally get she doesn’t want me to fix her problems. It’s just be there to support it.
So is it just continue with that? Just keep going?
Doug Holt 1:05:03 Ask her.
Go, “Gotcha, babe.” So in that situation, it’s one of a couple things. One is, “Do you want me to stop everything right now and knock those out for you? Because I’m happy to do so,” assuming you are, right? And she may say yes, she may say no.
Or you could say something along the lines of, “Cool, I got that. You don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it. What about you? Let’s just sit down, take a breath, and be together.”
And this is what everybody told me, man and you’ve heard this 100,000 times and again, my kids aren’t that old, but I’m starting to see it. It goes fast.
When you’re in it, it does not go fast. But as they say, the days are long, the years are short. I find that to be true as well.
So maybe you can just sit down and go, “Look, this is a season.” And if you can do all those things and take a breath for five minutes, sit down with her, look her in the eyes, connect with her, and if you want to do this and go, “I got that. Give me your list. I’ll knock that stuff out. No problem. But for right now, I want you to take a breath. I just want to see my beautiful wife,” and see how she responds to that.
Suddenly the trash might not be a big deal.
Owen 1:06:26 I think I’ve tried that, probably not with the right energy before. And it has still just been, “There’s too much to do.” Okay, too much. “I can’t just… no, we can’t just do that.”
So I’ve even moved it towards about five minutes. “Okay, well, you don’t need to, because we touch you. Let’s just take a break.” And it might last two minutes, but it’s something. And this is the season. I get it.
Doug Holt 1:06:55 100%, bud. Season.
And also, when I hear you say that like she’s saying we’ve got too much to do that’s anxiety, right? That’s fear.
Owen 1:07:04 Huge. Huge.
Doug Holt 1:07:05 And so what you get to do in this case is, how do I alleviate the fear, right? So she trusts it’s going to get done.
Like, “Hey babe, we got this.” Maybe you need her help to do this, because sometimes there’s just too much for one person to do. “Hey, we got this. We’re going to be just fine.”
She just may need that reassurance from her man, right? Just calm that anxiety down.
And what helped me and I don’t want this to sound… I’m going to say it what helped me is to picture my wife as that scared five-year-old girl.
Owen 1:07:43 I’ve heard you say that before, and I do try. I think that has helped me in the past. I think I did seven- or nine-year-old or something.
She also has a ton of trauma from when she was younger fear-based of losing her younger brother suddenly. So fear-based with the kids is a huge thing. Anxiety. So that does track with me.
Doug Holt 1:08:05 Well, the reason I do it is not to degrade my wife at all, because my wife is super intelligent, super powerful woman.
But it helps me because when I see that anxiety and that fear when I picture any five-year-old, right? If your kids were there, the first thing as a guy, as a father as just a nice guy I want to calm that child and make that child feel better.
And when I apply that to my wife, it doesn’t become “Doug’s going to go fix everything” anymore, which is my go-to. It becomes bring anxiety down, fear down.
Now from that calm place, I can go fix things. I can go to my default.
Owen 1:08:46 Okay. Answer the fear. Answer the anxiety.
Thank you for listening to me. That’s good.
I’ll say it’s been from all the podcasts and all the meetings and everything every little thing makes little steps forward. I don’t have any of those massive jumps, but every little bit works. So just keep struggling.
So it’s great.
Doug Holt 1:09:07 One step at a time. One percent better, baby, every day.
Owen 1:09:11 Better than yesterday.
Doug Holt 1:09:12 Yep. Enjoy those beautiful kids, my friend. I’ll talk to you soon. Take care.
Owen 1:09:15 Thank you.
Doug Holt 1:09:17 Appreciate you guys showing up for the first time we’ve done a call like this. Great questions. Awesome.
Well again, thanks guys. I hope this was good for you guys. We’ll see how this turns out. We’ll do more of them coming in here. It’s fun for me. This is what I love to do. This is why I think I’m here that’s coaching. I absolutely love working with you guys.
And I can’t believe we got the most handsome men of TPM all on the same call. It’s always a good thing coming through.
Awesome, gentlemen. As always, if you need anything from me, reach out to me, and I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.
