Episode #905
Why do so many men feel like their efforts at home go unnoticed?
In this episode, we dive deep into the challenges men face when their relationships feel stuck. Joined by Coach Chris, we explore how cultural ideas of manhood often miss the mark when it comes to emotional connection. Chris shares his transformative journey from feeling trapped in repeating patterns to unlocking a new understanding of himself—and his marriage.
You’ll learn:
- Why being a provider and protector isn’t enough.
- The role of emotional safety in a thriving relationship.
- How taking ownership of your own growth can transform your marriage.
If you’ve ever thought, “Why can’t she just accept me for who I am?” this episode will challenge you to see things differently.
Take the first step toward the relationship—and life—you really want.
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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
So many men enter the program, a large percentage of them with this idea: “Well, if my wife would just change, if she would just take care of her stuff on her end, then we’d be great. When is she gonna realize how amazing I am?”
Christopher Hansen 0:12
Or, “Yeah, why don’t you just love me for who I am?”
Doug Holt 0:15
Yeah.
Christopher Hansen 0:16
“This is who I am. Just accept me, yeah, right.” That’s the thing that was me, like, “Okay, I can’t make you happy. Why can’t you just love me for who I am? I’m a good person, right?”
Doug Holt 0:26
And then, when you wrote your letter, you went, “Wait a minute.”
Christopher Hansen 0:29
Oh, shit.
Doug Holt 0:29
Yeah. I’ve been feeding myself a story.
Hey guys, welcome back to the TPM show. You do not want to miss this episode because we are here with Coach Chris. Chris has been through the program, and his journey is an epic one. Today we’re going to talk about that. Also, if you stick to the end, we’re going to tell you about a new program that is coming out for TPM. Chris, thanks for being here, man.
Christopher Hansen 1:03
Yeah, Doug, great to see you, man.
Doug Holt 1:04
Yeah, it is. So last time you were here, you were going through kind of an advanced retreat—we won’t go into details with TPM—and you had an epiphany during that time, which was to continue your journey. Let’s go back to give these guys who may not know your story—I know your story really well, but guys who may not know your story—talk about where Chris 1.0 used to be.
Christopher Hansen 1:26
Yeah. It’s been quite the journey for me. You know, I found I was a business owner and had bike shops for years and was married. I’ve been married for a long, long time, and the relationship was difficult, up and down all the time. Like, I thought I’d have it figured out, and we’d crash again, over and over. I got kind of fed up with things, and then you guys popped up, and I signed up. Now, I think it was 2020 when I joined that program, and it was definitely kind of my activation. It was my awakening of what I was doing. I just realized my whole life I was kind of just leading with my head and not really with my heart. There was a lot of ego, and it was just really a hard, hard time. I just felt like I was always kind of smashing through walls that were just always being put in front of me. So I don’t know if that makes sense or not.
Doug Holt 2:23
No, it totally does. I think a lot of guys can relate to that because it feels like if you don’t smash through those walls, your wheels are just spinning, right? So you have to. A lot of us guys will find a way to get through. Whatever they do, they have to take more caffeine, work more—if I work harder, then I’ll get through it. And then, when things at home aren’t working well with our ladies, right, it feels like everything’s a bigger deal. There’s more pressure. It’s hard to focus on our jobs because home base is insecure.
Christopher Hansen 2:51
That’s it. It was such the truth. As soon as the relationship was in turmoil, I couldn’t focus on anything else. I couldn’t do anything else. I was just in this stuck spot. You kept trying to go back to the wheel to reinvent it and try to find out: How do you become better? How do you do this? How do you fix this problem, over and over and over again? And so, when I finally met you, found you guys, signed up for the program, I started recognizing so many things that I was missing. Like you guys talk about all the time, you know, we think we’re just supposed to be providers, protectors, right? And I did that well, right? But I was missing so many parts. I was not that comfortable, safe, emotional spot for her. I wasn’t showing up. I was showing up the ways I thought, culturally, as a man, I needed to show up, right? Yeah. And I just missed the target for what her needs were.
Doug Holt 3:50
I was in the same boat. And when I think about “protect her,” right? As a guy, we think physical protection. “All right, I’ll keep you safe. You know, if someone breaks in here, I’m on it.” You know, my wife has me sleep everywhere we travel—I sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door. Sometimes I’m like, “Wait a minute. Why am I supposed to be the one?” But what I missed, and it sounds like maybe you did—and maybe guys listening too—is the provider, protector… we forget that there’s an emotional protection that gets to happen. And most women, when I talk to them, will say that the emotional protection is more important than the physical protection.
Christopher Hansen 4:26
Yeah, and I think I just don’t think all of us were born maybe with a high emotional IQ, or we didn’t have the parents that provided us with that education, because you’re not getting that through the school systems, right? And so you only know what you know, right? And so that was the big part. I just didn’t understand what I was missing. And that’s how you guys helped me with it—was really finding myself, learning those more difficult levels of emotional intelligence and intimacy. I was missing that too. You know, I think as guys, we find this formula that does the trick. It seems like we’re happy, and then we rinse and repeat. Well, that’s not what true intimacy really is, right
Doug Holt 5:09
Yeah, you’re right. I remember 2020—you coming. You went on to go to The Alpha Reset that time we did in Wales. That was great. It was kind of a reunion because everybody knows what happened in 2019 and 2020. We had the pandemic going on. Also, a lot of guys don’t realize we’ve been around for eight years, right? So it’s been quite a while. I can imagine some people going, “2020? I just found this.” You go through The Alpha Reset. I’m going to guess—because I was there—you had a few insights. One, I remember day two in particular. But if you know, you know. It was a very powerful day. Tell us what evolved, because we know, hey, stuff at home wasn’t going well. I was in the same boat with my relationship. What happened afterward?
Christopher Hansen 5:51
Yeah, that event in general is the most life-changing event of my life. And not just to say that, but it really was. You dive into spaces that you’ve been burying a long time, right? And it brings up emotions and feelings that you’ve done an amazing job stuffing. Getting those out in a space where you feel so supported. At that point, I got kind of an advantage because we had to push it off so long. So a lot of the guys in my group—I knew them pretty well. When I showed up there, I had some really good friends already there.
Doug Holt 6:33
Hey guys, I wanted to interrupt this episode because it’s dawned on me that many of you guys aren’t aware that we actually have a book on “How To Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It“. Now, thousands of men have read it, and they’ve reviewed it. I want to give you the opportunity to do the same. If you’re interested in grabbing it, it’s a short read, but it’s helped a lot of men just like you. Maybe you’re not interested in The Activation Method yet, but this is a small entry point that can really turn things around for you. Go over to Amazon—we have it priced as cheap as Amazon will let us—and that way, you have a resource that you can use right now to start getting some results in your marriage. Now, let’s get back to the episode.
Christopher Hansen 7:10
So, yeah, it was just to really kind of release a lot of that deep turmoil that I’ve had in me for so long. When you leave that event, you feel so light and so ready to take on more challenges in your life.
Doug Holt 7:29
And you took on quite a few more challenges after that. As space becomes free, right—especially for us men that are high achievers—you go after it. What happens, what a lot of guys don’t realize, at least happens a lot for men, is when home base starts to get taken care of, it frees you up so much. A lot of guys will say, “I didn’t realize how much this was weighing me down until it’s released.” Or it comes back again, and then you realize, “Oh, crap, here I am again.”
Christopher Hansen 7:58
I think, truly, we like to think we don’t have a capacity, right? We think we can just keep filling ourselves, filling ourselves like that. But that’s not the case. It really is—we have to take, if we have that negative impact, we have to deal with that. We have to fix it before we can move forward, right? And that’s what happens. Guys, I think, we get stuck. We get stuck in these loops, and we’re holding on to this negative—maybe it’s traumas, maybe it’s just a negative part of a relationship—and you just can’t move forward until it’s dealt with, right? And especially in the relationship, I think, with guys, we get so wrapped around that. How do we ever get into the opportunity to go accomplish these goals that we need to do over here when we’re just still looping right here? There’s so much energy and focus there.
Doug Holt 8:41
I agree. Well, when you were going through The Activation Method, was there a time when you had the “aha moment,” as Tim would say—as the penny drops—when you go, “Oh man, it’s not her” or whatever your story was coming into it?
Christopher Hansen 8:55
Oh, shit, yeah. I mean, every week, yeah, of it. It was that for me because I was missing so many parts of what I needed to do. But I think the big one was when I was working on that clean slate letter. That letter, when you’re writing down everything and just taking ownership and accountability for yourself for the first time—you stop pointing the finger, right? Yeah. And that was a big one for me.
Doug Holt 9:24
Essentially, you’re putting a mirror in front of your face, right? So many men enter the program, a large percentage of them with this idea: “Well, if my wife would just change, if she would just take care of her stuff on her end, then we’d be great. When is she gonna realize how amazing I am?”
Christopher Hansen 9:40
Or, “Why don’t you just love me for who I am? This is who I am. Just accept me, right?” That’s the thing that was me. Like, “I can’t make you happy. Why can’t you just love me for who I am? I’m a good person, right?”
Doug Holt 9:53
And then you wrote your letter. You went, “Wait a minute. Oh, yeah, I’ve been feeding myself a story.” Well, I always say—and someone told me this a long time ago, early in my journey—I started working on this stuff in high school. I was just always gravitated toward it. So I would get my dad’s business cassette tapes. I’d go to the library, I’d check out personal development. I don’t know why I was always into it, but I’ve always been into this journey.
When I look at this, it’s kind of like this concept of, how do you own your side of the street? How do you actually be able to look at yourself and realize that reflection—like, “This is who I really am” versus “This is the mask.”
And what I was getting to is someone told me: we lie to ourselves more than we lie to anybody else, and it’s a safety mechanism that’s built in. It’s built into every human—to tell ourselves a story to make ourselves feel okay.
Christopher Hansen 10:44
Yeah. It’s a quote that I just ran across. It says, “If you don’t make a change, you’ve made your choice,” right?
Doug Holt 10:50
Yeah. I love that one. I love it. And it’s true. The most common thing I hear, Chris, from guys that come to The Alpha Reset—which, you know what that is, it’s a life-changing, as you said, event—is, “I wish I would have done it sooner.” We have thousands of testimonials at this point, and within that, guys will say, “Hey, this is the most life-changing event, but I wish I would have done it sooner.”
Two Alpha Resets ago, I had the pleasure—I didn’t run it, but I had the pleasure of coming back here to the ranch. We have a 106-acre ranch here in Oregon where we run events. I just came in to say hi to the guys. Of course, I come in at the end when everybody’s on cloud nine, right? Sometimes I come in at the beginning too. Two of the guys approached me. They were just talking to me, saying, “This is amazing. I wish I would have done it sooner.” I asked, “When did you start?” One guy said, “I’ve been listening to the podcast for three years.” Another said, “The podcast for a year before I finally pulled the trigger.”
A lot of times, we just keep putting it off because we want to feel safe.
Christopher Hansen 11:50
Yeah. And I think sometimes we don’t have a good map of what to do. So we consume information, we consume it, but we don’t really have a good action plan. And that’s what you guys do so great, right? You put that action plan in place, and it’s not just “consume, consume”—you’re actually making moves.
Yeah, my testimony was that I wish I would have found you guys sooner. I wish you guys were around when I was a teenager, in a sense, right? Because I was almost 40 at that point—or I was 48 years old.
Doug Holt 12:21
Yeah, well, it’s been a great journey. So fast forward—you and I have been talking over the years about your calling to work with men. You started working with men, and you’ve been working with business owners and non-business owners. What’s been the difference that you’ve seen when you’ve sat at the same table with guys who own a company and guys who work a typical nine-to-five?
Christopher Hansen 12:45
That’s the crazy part. What I’m seeing is not that different. I mean, all these guys are dealing with the same issues. And for some reason, it’s all around me right now—maybe because I’ve opened up to this part of me. But yeah, it’s the same stories, it’s the same problems in their relationships. So I don’t feel like there’s really that big of a difference. I think we’re all kind of dealing with the same thing, regardless of where you’re playing.
Doug Holt 13:15
I’m in 100% agreement. When I’m at barbecues or other things, when people find out what I do—because I usually don’t talk about it—I’ll usually get a couple of guys pull me aside and say, “Hey, tell me about that thing you’re doing.” They’ll want to talk. It’s the same situations because, really, what we’re dealing with here are the dynamics between men and women, masculine and feminine energy, right?
Our society doesn’t teach us. It’s just assumed, right? “Hey, I get married, everything’s gonna be great. I’m not gonna be one of the 50% that gets divorced. That’s the other guys.” Yeah, right. We think we’ve got this all figured out, but we’re not taught the skills necessary to relate—to be in relationship with our female partner.
Then men and women tend to drift apart. You fight. Both needs aren’t getting met. That skill set just isn’t developed.
But my guess is, if I asked any guy listening to this right now, we do the rocking chair test. I know you’re familiar with this, but you’re 85, sitting on the porch, sipping lemonade, looking back at your life. When you look back over those 85 years, what are the things that are most important to you? Almost 10 out of 10 guys say the same thing. I’ve only had maybe five guys, out of the thousands I’ve asked, say something different. Everybody says their family. Their family is on that list. It could just be kids, it could be wife and kids, but usually it’s a combination of those things.
What got me thinking about this, when I started doing this early on in my coaching career, is I’d say, “Show me on your calendar where your family is. How much time and money are you investing in learning how to relate to your kids or in your relationship with your wife? Where is that in your calendar? Pull that up for me.”
Christopher Hansen 15:07
Yeah. I mean, I think it’s how many deep emotional connections we can have in our lives. Those are what we’re going to remember, right? That’s kind of what drew me to this work. I like sitting down with these guys and understanding who they are on a soul level. Those are the conversations I want to have. My friendships are getting deeper, and those are the things I’m going to remember, right?
Doug Holt 15:30
Yeah, yeah. When you’re making an impact and coming in here—and guys, I’ll give you a little bit of a teaser—we’ve been asked this for probably the last seven years: “Why do you guys just work with businessmen?” There are reasons, right? We wanted to make sure there was a niche where we have a proven track record.
We are going to be opening up a version of The Activation Method for non-business owners. If you guys are interested, you’ve got to go to thepowerfulman.com. We do have a program, and Chris is going to be running the first group going through. It’s going to be the same training that everybody gets results from. You’re going to get access to a very similar program that we’ve been running successfully for almost a decade now, with proven results.
So, we are opening this up. I know a lot of guys are going to be contacting you, Chris, as we do that. But this is going to be a separate program for non-business owners as well, and that’s something guys have been asking for a long time. So thank you for stepping up to the plate and leading the charge.
Christopher Hansen 16:33
I’m so excited about this, Doug. I know the need is out there so much, and what you guys do is so incredible. To be a part of that is kind of a dream come true for me—to be out there and help guys at the capacity we’re going to be able to.
Doug Holt 16:48
Yeah, I mean, this is something people have been asking for a long time. We’re a movement. I’m a normal guy. I’ve got two kids. It was so funny—someone came up to me at this last event we ran, the Alpha Rising, which is the second level of The Alpha Reset. One of the guys goes, “Hey, Doug, did you do that thing?”
I said, “No, I haven’t had time.”
He said, “It’s only 20 minutes. It’ll only take you 20 minutes.”
I said, “Buddy, I’ve got 10 twenty-minute things, and right now I’ve got a four-year-old girl that’s upset that I’m here with you. That’s a priority for me. So, although this twenty-minute thing is important to you, and I honor that, my four-year-old girl is important to me.”
We just haven’t had the bandwidth to expand and open up like this without risking the quality of what we do. But you coming on board has been like the perfect marriage of this idea, and now is the time we can do this.
Christopher Hansen 17:39
I agree. I think it’s going to be great. I’ve talked to a couple of just my close friends about it, and they’re all really excited to hear what this is going to look like.
Doug Holt 17:49
From my experience coaching so many men—and previously, I coached men and women before TPM, so before eight years ago—it just reinforces what you’re learning.
I’m always in the conversation of being a better father. I’m always in the conversation of being a better friend, a better husband, a better lover—all those things—because I’m not perfect. You know me well. You know I’m not perfect. I never claim to be, but I’m always striving for more.
You get to be in that conversation day in and day out. Iron sharpens iron, right? And when we get these men together, it forms that brotherhood, as you know—that bond—and everybody rises.
Christopher Hansen 18:27
Yeah. I mean, I believe in this work so much. I know that showing up better for yourself allows you to show up better for your family, and that allows you to show up better for your community. This is the work that changes the world. It truly is. We’re all looking for something to flip that switch, but this is it.
Doug Holt 18:46
I mean, I don’t want to go down this tangent—I want to make sure we’re giving value to these guys—but when people talk about us, they often wonder, “Hey, is this a scam? Does it really work?”
We have real guys like you come through the program. Normally, they wouldn’t want to get on camera and talk about this. But they’re like, “Get me in front of a seat. I need to tell everybody about this because this stuff works.”
We’ve been around for eight years—literally hundreds upon hundreds of testimonials, if not thousands at this point. In some form, we have over a thousand—whether it be texts, emails, or videos—of real men, just like yourself, just like myself.
We have kids. We have real lives. I still go to barbecues with my friends. I still think I’m an athlete at 47, hurting my shoulder or whatever, but I can still play softball.
We’re real guys doing real things, but we’ve dedicated our lives to learning and honing these methodologies that we want to pass on to other men.
So when you think about, “Is this a scam?”—we’ve been around eight years. We’ve invested in a 106-acre ranch because we’re serious about this. This is what we’re doing for the rest of our lives.
You’ve exited your companies to do this. I have with all my other stuff. This is what we do. And you can look at testimonials from real guys saying, “Yeah, I’ve been through this situation. This is what I needed help with.”
And when you meet the guys, as you know, you form bonds you never thought you could form.
Christopher Hansen 20:11
Yeah, yeah. When I’m talking to these guys and the guys I work with, you just feel it because you’re there—you’re in the trenches. You feel that pain they’re going through, and it just drives you to help them take that next step.
Doug Holt 20:26
Absolutely does, yeah. So as you’re going through your journey now, as you’re on your path, having come to the ranch, what’s next for Chris?
Christopher Hansen 20:37
Wow, that’s a big question. Yeah, I would say, obviously, the new program and focusing on getting that launched and just being there to be supportive of that. My journey really started with you guys four years ago, and when you start down that path, all of a sudden, all these doors open up, right? I’m just excited for each new opportunity that comes. Before, I was so distracted with everything that I couldn’t always have the opportunity to see what’s behind that next door. There’s a lot more to that story that I can share as I get through these doors.
Doug Holt 21:12
That reminds me of an analogy someone shared with me one time. If there’s a party going on in the backyard of someone’s house—a pool party, loud music, barbecue, whatever—if you walk to the front door, you can’t necessarily know what’s happening. It looks like a normal house. You ring the doorbell, and no one answers.
As you turn the corner—that’s a new change in your life, a new chapter, a new thing you’ve unfolded. You go to the side yard, and all of a sudden, you start hearing faint music. You think, “Hey, there’s something going on here.”
As you go on your journey and get closer to that gate in the backyard, you start hearing the party more clearly. Then, when you open the gate and walk in, you see the party—kids or adults laughing, people in the pool, tossing a football, whatever it may be.
But you didn’t know the party existed from the front door. Along your journey, you keep peeling back those layers and taking step after step forward. That’s how you get to the party, even if you don’t know it’s there.
I’m going to guess that most men listening to this have an inkling in the back of their mind that there’s a party around the corner. They just don’t know how to get there.
At TPM, we have two entry programs. One focuses on relationships—we’ll be opening that up to non-business owners in the coming weeks. The other is about self—we’ve been doing that one for eight years. It’s for guys who feel stuck and aren’t sure what the next step is.
But either way—and guys, listen to me—even if you don’t want to go through TPM, do something. Take that step to find out what’s going on in the backyard. Take that step around the corner.
Going around the corner and to the gate can be scary, especially if you don’t know what’s back there, right? Maybe it’s a Doberman or a big dog that’s going to bite you—you don’t know. But you’ll never know if you don’t take that first step.
Christopher Hansen 22:56
Yeah. I mean, it’s scary—it’s a path where you just don’t know where to start or where to go. But there are so many more resources now. Just choose—you’ve got the podcast you guys have. You can punch in any topic you want, and you guys will have something on it, which is great. That’s new. Stuff like that didn’t exist 10, 15, 20 years ago. But you have to take that step.
Doug Holt 23:19
Here’s a pro tip someone shared with me. Guys, if you’re not watching us on YouTube, go over to YouTube and subscribe, of course, because that helps us get in front of other men. But also, YouTube has an amazing search engine.
If you go to The Powerful Man’s channel, you can type in any topic into the YouTube search, and it’ll pull up one of our podcasts or shows related to that topic—or a series of them. It searches through the entire transcript of everything we’re talking about.
So if you want to know more about Chris—Chris has been on a couple of times—you can find out about his journey. If you want to know more about relationships, or maybe it’s infidelity, or another topic that relates to you personally, go over there and type that in. Use YouTube’s resources, and you can download them and listen at your convenience.
Christopher Hansen 24:09
I’ve done it many times.
Doug Holt 24:12
Yeah, awesome, man. Thanks again for all that you do, and thanks for being here at the TPM ranch.
Christopher Hansen 24:16
Thanks for having me on. I’m so excited to be here.
Doug Holt 24:19
Awesome, brother. Hey guys, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action.
What I’m talking about is doing what Chris is talking about. He took massive action to change his world.
If you resonate with what Chris is saying, go back and check out his original testimonial from 2020 on YouTube. These are real men doing real work, getting real results. But the key is, you have to do the work.
As people say, no one can do the push-ups for you. You just gotta do it. But you have to take that first step. Start your journey.
Maybe your journey is just going over to YouTube and doing some research, getting more education—that’s cool. But don’t be like the people who wait three, four, five years of listening to a podcast and not getting the results they deserve.
Take the first action. If you don’t want to work with TPM, that’s fine—but go somewhere and do something.
Of course, if TPM sounds like something you’re interested in, we’d love for you to consider your journey with us. We do have a selection process, and we’re opening up to non-business owners in just a few weeks.
Go over to thepowerfulman.com and submit a form just so we know your interest level. Chris will reach out to you personally to have a conversation and see if it’s a good fit.
Again, these are just conversations—real guys, man-to-man: is this the right step for your journey?
But whatever you do, do something. And I’ll see you next time on The TPM Show.
