Episode #1208
Many high-performing businessmen spend decades sacrificing their health, happiness, and relationships in pursuit of external markers of success. From the outside, they appear to have everything together: thriving companies, wealth, and status. Internally, however, they often feel isolated, exhausted, and unfulfilled. This disconnect commonly stems from a fundamental misunderstanding: confusing what they genuinely need with what they merely want. When a man mistakes external wants for core internal needs, he ends up chasing validation that never truly satisfies him while neglecting the fundamental elements required for genuine well-being.
In this conversation, Tim Matthews sits down with Stephen Fleming to deconstruct the difference between needs and wants, and why distinguishing between them is critical for personal leadership and marriage. A need is something that meaningfully contributes to your life and is necessary for your physical, emotional, spiritual, or relational well-being. A want is something you strongly desire but can ultimately live without. When men suppress their core human needs (such as the need for authentic connection, feeling heard and understood, or autonomy), those unmet needs inevitably turn into toxic neediness, passive-aggressive resentment, or workaholic overachievement.
The discussion explores practical insights to help men clarify and align their personal priorities:
Getting clear on your fundamental needs allows you to organize your life around what truly matters rather than endlessly chasing external milestones. Men who transition from feeling disconnected to grounded leadership often start by taking off the mask of performance, re-evaluating what are your standards, and participating in transformational programs like The Activation Method to build a fulfilling life from the inside out.
00:00 - Introduction: Exploring Needs vs. Wants
01:36 - Defining the Difference Between Fundamental Needs and Optional Wants
02:30 - The High-Achiever Trap: Sacrificing Well-Being for Outward Success
04:45 - What Actually Constitutes a Core Need
06:19 - Why Connection Is a Non-Negotiable Human Need
07:12 - The Danger of Suppressing Needs and Becoming Needy
09:25 - Doug Holt Mid-Roll: A Man’s Guide on How to Save Your Marriage
10:56 - Pendulum Swings: Boundary Backlashes vs. Real Collaboration
12:46 - Healthy vs. Unhealthy Expressions of Significance and Competence
15:30 - Defining Success: Financial Security vs. Waking Up Happy
18:40 - The Illusion of Control and Breaking Upper Limits
20:45 - Examining Core Needs: Connection, Respect, and Growth
25:14 - The Exercise of Writing 100 Wants vs. Core Non-Negotiables
28:38 - Simmering Down Your Needs List to What Matters Most
31:17 - Physical and Emotional Safety, Intimacy, and Being Understood
35:37 - Common Examples of Superficial Wants
37:49 - The Activation Method: Shifting from External to Internal Validation
40:18 - Taking Responsibility to Power Your Own Destiny
41:38 - Key Takeaways and Closing Remarks
What is the fundamental difference between a need and a want?
A need is an essential requirement that meaningfully contributes to your physical, emotional, spiritual, or relational well-being. A want is an optional desire that you may strongly prefer or enjoy, but you can live a healthy, purposeful life without it.
Why do high-performing men often confuse their wants with their needs?
Societal conditioning often teaches men that fulfillment comes from financial success, status, and material achievement. Men pour their energy into these external wants to feel significant, mistakenly believing that reaching the next business milestone will fulfill their unmet internal needs for connection and peace.
Can a man fulfill all of his emotional needs by himself?
No, human beings are social creatures, and certain needs, such as connection, intimacy, and being heard and understood, can only be met in relationship with others. While a man must take full personal responsibility for initiating and communicating his needs, trying to meet them entirely in isolation leads to emotional detachment and loneliness.
What happens when a man suppresses his personal needs in a marriage?
When a man suppresses his needs to avoid conflict or appear low-maintenance, those unmet needs do not vanish. Instead, they turn into covert contracts, passive-aggressive resentment, or an intense, needy energy that pushes his wife away and damages relationship intimacy.
If you want to dive deeper into identifying your core needs and running them through practical filters, claim your free Needs vs. Wants Cheat Sheet by emailing “Need” to VIP@thepowerfulman.com. You can also discover how to assess your relationship dynamics and learn our proven step-by-step methodology by watching the free video training at The Powerful Man Scales.
Also listen on:
Tim Matthews 00:00
How familiar are you with needs versus wants?
Stephen 00:02
I think that a need might be different to things that I want.
Tim Matthews 00:06
A need is, does this meaningfully contribute to my life?
Stephen 00:11
A need for me is something that's fairly fundamental.
Tim Matthews 00:17
The things that really matter to me are these handful of things.
Stephen 00:21
No one is going to come and save you. You have to initiate all those things for yourself.
Tim Matthews 00:26
It's very easy for us to become needy.
Tim Matthews 00:38
Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the TPM Show. My name is Tim Matthews. I am your host, and I'm joined by the incredible Mr. Stephen Fleming.
Now, on the last episode, we spoke a lot about this idea of what if you had 24 hours to live? What would you do?
In this episode, we're going to dive into needs versus wants, which fits nicely into this idea of really maximizing your time on the things that mean the most to you.
Mr. Fleming, I asked you a question a moment ago before we hit record, which was, how familiar are you with needs versus wants?
Stephen 01:13
It's something that I feel, I think I said to you, it's something that maybe I occasionally struggle with. I'm aware of the difference between the two, but sometimes maybe things I think that I need might be different to things that I want. Maybe a bit of confusion there for me. So always good to discuss.
Tim Matthews 01:36
How would you define the difference between a need versus a want?
Stephen 01:42
I suppose a need for me is something that's fairly fundamental. A want to me feels like something that maybe has an element of optionality to it. That maybe there's less importance attached to a want. It's maybe a would-be rather than a should-be.
Tim Matthews 02:05
Yes, in essence, you're in the right ballpark. I mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to obviously determine, hey, a need is something that is actually a need. A want, there's some optionality, like you said. I think you summed that up really well.
However, for a lot of guys that come to us, and maybe you'll remember back to when you first started TPM, this idea of needs versus wants is foreign to most guys.
And it was foreign to me as well. A lot of guys oftentimes don't even understand, don't even know what it is that they need versus what it is that they want, because typically what they've done is put themselves in a position where they just go and put the foot to the floor for a decade, two decades, whatever it may be, sacrificing themselves, their health, their happiness, wearing a fake smile as they get more and more successful.
Because everyone outside looks at them like, "Hey, that guy's great. That guy's got it all together."
Yet internally, although it might look like they have it all together, internally they feel like everything's falling apart. They don't have anywhere to turn. They don't have anyone to talk to. All that they know is to try and keep on putting one foot in front of the other, and they continue to take on everybody else's burdens.
"Hey, give me that problem. I'll solve it."
So often we've heard from the wives that the men are so good at going out there and helping everybody else, yet then they won't come home and help the wife. So the wife feels less and less like a priority.
And some of this is because of the unconscious drivers that go on for a lot of men. They need to feel significant and all the rest of it. And sometimes the way in which they go about getting it, they choose vehicles that aren't conducive to giving them what it is they actually want or the life that they're looking to create.
So the purpose of this is to really get clearer on needs versus wants and bring them into more conscious awareness, if you will, so that you can get clear on what your needs are versus your wants, because there is a difference.
Ideally, your needs are going to be a very short, not very, but somewhat of a short list versus a long laundry list. Wants might be a longer laundry list.
But the clearer you are on your needs, and essentially they're non-negotiables, and why they are your needs, what it is they provide you with, it's then up to you to make sure you organize your life around them and you live a life that is congruent to the things that are important to you.
Because the more that you do that, the happier and more fulfilled you're going to become.
Now, to your point, if we were to define the difference between a need versus a want, a need is, does this meaningfully contribute to my life? Is this necessary for my well-being?
It could be your emotional well-being, your spiritual well-being, your physical well-being, your sexual well-being. All of those different elements of our makeup are absolutely key in order for us to live a whole and purposeful life.
Obviously, everybody's different, and the degree to which we need, no pun intended, those various different things is going to be very individual to you, which is key.
Whereas a want is something that I strongly desire, but I could live without.
Now, part of the trap that I see a lot of guys fall into with this is they get confused because they think that they should be able to meet all of their needs on their own, and that's not possible.
In order to live a whole and purposeful life, there are some needs that we have as human beings because we are social creatures.
For example, the need for connection is a need. Hence why there is a loneliness epidemic. People feeling more lonely than ever, and that being shown to have very detrimental effects on mental health, emotional health, physical health. There's all sorts.
So the need for connection is a need. We cannot get that on our own. We can only get that from being in relationship with another.
Now, there could be a friendship, because some of the need for connection could come from a social aspect. There is a need for an intimate connection, both emotional, physical, sexual.
And the reality is, when we don't get our needs met, it's very easy for us to become needy. And when I say us, I'm talking about human beings, not just men.
Most men don't like that. Well, nobody likes that feeling.
But what most guys do, that I've seen anyway, and we've worked with thousands by this point, is they'll shove their needs down because they're afraid of not getting them met, and they're afraid that that's then going to put them in a position where they're going to have to make a choice.
So they pretend like their needs don't matter, and they pretend like they don't really have many of them.
But they also, like I said a moment ago, mistakenly think that they should be able to meet their needs on their own.
This happened on a call last week, on the monthly pack call. Oh no, sorry, it was the Academy office hours call.
The Academy is the program that the guys work through in The Brotherhood. The Brotherhood is a year-long mastermind.
I always feel the need to say the program and explain it. Doug's always reminding me, "Tim, we've got people listening that don't know the program. Can you say something? You've got to explain it."
But the issue that they fall into is they think they should be able to meet them on their own. Like I said, they forget the caveats here.
So then, when they're not getting connection, let's say, they can then start to bottle it up because they can often see it as a reflection of them and something that they are or aren't doing.
And they're like, "Hey, well, I thought I'm supposed to lead. I thought I'm supposed to not really care. I thought I'm supposed to just let things wash off me."
Well, kind of. Yes, you want to be grounded, and yes, you want to have engaged indifference. You want to be engaged with what it is that you want, indifferent to the outcome.
Doug Holt 09:25
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you.
I'm sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what's broken. And not only need to know what's broken, but a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That's the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you're going to be toiling with things.
That's why I created a free training, a training that not only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have, to how you get it back.
How do you retain that? Where your wife's looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said, "I do."
I don't know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I'm her man, I feel like I can conquer the world, and I want that for you.
Simply go over to thepowerfulman.com/scales. That's thepowerfulman.com/scales, and I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates for you.
Now back to the podcast.
Tim Matthews 10:28
And at the same time, you also are going to have boundaries. You can have things that are really important to you that you get to share.
And this is the other trap that I've seen a lot of guys fall into when they hear us say things like this. They can swing the pendulum too far and go, "Right, well, this is my need. I'm going to create a boundary around my need. I have a need for connection, and if I'm not getting my need for connection met, then that's just it."
Stephen 10:56
And have the opposite effect.
Tim Matthews 11:00
Well, yeah, because they go from denying their need for connection and/or suppressing it, or whatever it may be, to swinging the pendulum and owning their need for connection, but typically coming from the same place, really, that they were in before energetically, which just creates the same result: disconnection.
There's a whole middle ground there because let's say you realize that connection is a need for you and it's a non-negotiable. Then there could be a whole journey that you get to go on in order to reconnect with the woman that you love, because you may make a conscious choice that she is the one that you want connection with.
Now, obviously, you get to be on the same page and see whether you want the same thing. That in itself can be an exploration and a conversation and all that fun stuff.
And if you do want the same thing, then great. How do you go about getting that? There can be a journey there.
It's not a case of, what's the word here, being reactive and just laying down the gauntlet and saying, "My way or the highway."
Stephen 12:04
No, definitely. It's a two-way street, isn't it? As you say, there are two people in any relationship, whether that's an intimate one or a friendship. Things change over time.
Tim Matthews 12:14
Exactly. So a need is something that meaningfully contributes to my life and is necessary for my well-being. A want is something that I would like, strongly desire, but I could live without.
So I'm going to give you some examples of some needs.
Now, some of these needs that you have can be met from within. Some of them have to be met from without, if you will, in relation to another. Connection is an example of that.
Some of the needs that we have as human beings, one is a need for significance. And what I mean by that is the need for us to feel like we matter to someone or something.
Now, that could be met through family. It could be met through business. It could be met through whatever. There's lots of vehicles through which you could get this need met.
The key is whether or not you give your needs an outlet to be expressed consciously or unconsciously, whether they come from a place of woundedness, if you will, or a place of wholeness.
Let's say, for example, this need for significance. If that comes from a place of unconscious wounding, if you will, then that could show up in somebody's life as them being an overachiever.
We see this all the time in business.
Stephen 13:53
Got a point to prove.
Tim Matthews 13:54
However, the success is never enough because you're trying to fill something on the inside with something from the outside, this material.
And it's never going to land because typically the one person they want to feel the most significant to is the person they love the most.
But the vehicle they've usually chosen in that moment is destructive to their connection and presence with the one person they really want to feel significant to.
So significance is a need.
Competence, that is a need. That is a need for us to feel like we are good at something.
If you take competence a little bit further, it would be mastery. It's a need for us to feel as though we are not good but great at something. That is a need.
Connection is a need. You've also got community. Overlap between these, obviously, because within connection, you've got community.
Stephen 15:03
But the two go hand in hand, don't they?
Tim Matthews 15:04
Community is a need.
Within this, you've got to be mindful of not only what your needs are, so you can distinguish between the needs and the wants.
For example, it sounds obvious, me saying this, but I don't think... Let me take a sidestep.
I put a post in the community last week, I think, and I asked the guys, "Hey, what does it mean to you to be successful?"
Now, in this community, in the private app, you've got guys that are new, literally brand new to the movement. They came in, this is in the general channel, let's say today. And you've got guys in the movement that have been in six years, seven years, whatever it may be.
So you've got guys who've been on various journeys, varying degrees of connectivity to themselves, if you will.
The answers ranged. I don't know if you saw it, but they were way across the board.
One of the first answers was, "Well, financial security. I need to know that I can provide financially for my family or the people I love," or something like that.
Whereas, on the other end of the scale, "Waking up happy."
That guy who said waking up happy, he's been in the movement six or seven years. He's been through a hell of a time, and he's very successful financially, relationally. Actually, with his health, he's across the five territories. He's successful.
The guy that said the financial piece, he's been in the movement a few weeks.
Now, I'm not saying one guy's right or wrong or good or bad or whatever it may be, but I would suggest that the guy that said the financial piece, he would probably think that making money is a need for him.
I would argue it's more of a want. It's not crucial for his well-being or for the things that matter most to him in his life.
But in order for him to be able to challenge that, he needs to be able to understand, well, what does matter most to me in life? What are my needs versus what are my wants?
And therefore, how do I get to arrange my life accordingly?
Stephen 17:30
And I think it's not a surprise that that is something we see a lot of, because I think society teaches us that the way to get all our needs met is through financial success, through climbing that ladder in that way, and it doesn't.
Certainly, I've learned some of the needs that I have are more... They're nothing to do with money. It's all about that waking up happy, that need for a bit of space, a bit of daylight, a bit of grounding.
And the other things that are needs or wants in your life will then follow through.
Just purely chasing a financial need, as you say, is probably going to push other people away or not let you focus on those other needs for connection or for community or whatever.
It's been enlightening for me over the years to realize that some of the things I thought I needed to get to a happy life, or whatever, a satisfied life, if you push things down as well or ignore them, then that energy just comes out sideways and comes out in a negative way as well.
Tim Matthews 18:40
Think about comfort. The last episode where we spoke about, hey, if you had 24 hours to live, how would you live, basically?
There is no comfort zone really in that scenario.
But I've got to imagine some guys might be listening, and as they reflect on this, if we were to purely look at their actions, not look at their words, purely look at their actions, I've got to imagine we could probably surmise that one of their current potential wants, and maybe even needs, is the need for comfort.
It's a need to feel comfortable and in control. That comes up a lot for the guys we work with. The need to feel in control.
It's been coming up on the inner circle calls the past few weeks, for the past few weeks in a very in-depth way, as people keep going, breaking through upper limits, and it keeps coming back to this need for control, because it feels like a survival instinct to some of the men.
But anyway, I don't want to digress too much.
I want to share a little bit more with you here because I want to really shine a light on this whole thing between needs versus wants, but also how a need and a want has a dark side and a light side.
Because even success that isn't making money, let's say, that isn't inherently a bad thing. It all depends on how you go about it.
Significance in itself inherently isn't a bad thing. Again, it depends on how you go about it.
So I'm sharing all this in the hope that, as you go away and reflect on this, the listeners, it gives you a slightly different lens to look at these needs versus wants.
Again, the overarching theme here is a need is something essentially that you can't live without. The want is something that you'd like, but you can live without.
Now, I'll read a list of a few here.
So we've got connection. The healthy expression of connection would be, "I need meaningful human connection in my life. Connection is part of a life well lived," which is true.
Now, the unhealthy version of connection would be, "If these particular people don't want me around, then something must be wrong with me."
At which point, you are putting your sense of self-worth ultimately on the need for others, really your wife, thinking your wife predominantly, to accept you and therefore for connection to occur.
Which, if you're coming from that perspective, yes, it can still remain a need. However, it's going to be very difficult for you to get that need met because you're coming from a place of external validation, ultimately.
Respect. That is a need. We all have a need to feel respected.
"I won't remain in a relationship where contempt and disrespect are normal."
That would be a healthy expression of your need for respect.
An unhealthy expression of it would be, "I need everyone to respect me in order to feel powerful or significant."
Which, again, is when I hear some of the guys when they begin their journey with us, that's one of their common complaints. They feel disrespected.
Stephen 22:21
Sounds familiar.
Tim Matthews 22:22
Sounds familiar?
Stephen 22:23
Yeah, partly from my own feelings coming into the movement, but also hearing that from lots of other people.
"Oh, well, I'm not respected in my home or in my business," or whatever.
Tim Matthews 22:36
There's a couple more here.
So achievement, a healthy expression of that as a need. Achievement could be seen as competence, really, the need to feel like I'm good at something.
It could also go with growth. Usually, there's a need for growth for a lot of people.
So the healthy expression of that could be, "Growth, challenge, and contribution are important parts of the life that I want."
That's all part of the idea of achievement.
The unhealthy expression of that would be, "If my business isn't growing, I'm failing as a man."
So the need can remain.
Hence, it goes back to your point a few minutes ago. The need can remain.
And again, I'm saying this because I imagine some of the guys reflecting right now on their needs and thinking, "Well, what is a need for me and what is a want?"
I think there'd be a likelihood, I think I would have done this years ago, "Well, is that thing a need? I mean, it's kind of destructive in my life. Maybe it's not the best thing. Well, maybe I need to change that. That shouldn't be a need. It's not good for me. That needs, I guess, to be a want. The business is a want."
But in actual fact, the thing itself isn't necessarily the issue. It's the place that you're coming from.
And if you're going to come from a place of wholeness or consciousness, whatever you want to say, then you're more likely to get that need met in a very healthy way.
Stephen 24:14
That's it, isn't it? I think that's the crux of this.
It's having those needs and having them met in a way that's healthy.
And for me, it's realizing what those needs are.
I mean, that need for connection and community is something that I think, like a lot of people, I had a thing of the kind of, "I can solve everything by myself. I don't need help, and asking for help is a sign of weakness."
And actually, then being vulnerable enough to put yourself out there, that need then becomes met because you get a sense of community and connection with others by opening up to that and not pushing it down.
Tim Matthews 24:53
Absolutely. I'm looking at some of the stuff that I produced for the guys last week because there's a better list of needs versus wants.
I'm curious. Obviously, you've done some of this work before with us over the years.
What do you think's on your list of needs versus wants?
Stephen 25:14
I think the list of wants can become a hard thing to think of.
I was set a challenge a couple of years ago. I think Arthur asked me to write a list of 100 things that I wanted, and it was really difficult to come up with.
And he actually said most people won't get beyond about 20.
It's an interesting exercise because you start to realize that the things that maybe you think you want, or maybe there's not many things that you do want, but also some of them can become quite material and a bit trivial and not that important.
That focuses you down on things that you really do want.
But the needs, I definitely have a need for myself in terms of peace and calm and space, which I think it is because I think it helps me function. It helps me wake up and become...
I have a need every morning to get outside into the air and stand on the lawn and breathe. I would say that's a need for me. If I don't do that, I don't function so well.
Tim Matthews 26:25
But is it a need? Is it a want? Sounds like a want to me.
Stephen 26:34
Well, this is where it's an interesting subject because if I don't get that, maybe it's a want.
Tim Matthews 26:47
Let's use that filter of the 24 hours.
Stephen 26:49
Yeah. If in the last 24 hours, would I be saying I need to go and do that? Applying that filter tips it into the want.
I have a need to feel connected with my wife, my children. That's a definite need, and then the 24-hour filter, for sure.
Other needs, need for significance or importance. I'm not sure how important that is for me.
Tim Matthews 27:24
Well, remember, significance could be... I mean, there's overlap between significance and connection as well.
I'm just making a list of some of the needs out of mine.
I think because the need, in its healthy expression, significance would be the need to feel significant in the eyes of the other.
Stephen 27:43
Yes. So say in the eyes of my children.
Tim Matthews 27:46
Yes. But significance in an unhealthy way would be more egoic ways of, "Hey, I'm going to make all this money and buy a flashy car and buy a big home so I can point to things to say to people, hey, look at how good I am. Look, I told you I was good enough."
That obviously isn't.
Stephen 28:07
No, that's not the same as that.
Tim Matthews 28:09
No, no. So what else? What are your needs?
Stephen 28:13
I think there's a physical connection. I need to feel a physical connection, to be touched, to be held.
I think that is an important, just a human need.
It's a difficult question to answer. I think it's one that we don't spend enough time thinking about.
Tim Matthews 28:38
I've just been making a list of some of mine.
Obviously, the smaller the list of needs, the better, because the clearer you are on what matters most to you, the easier it is for you to say no and to say yes.
It's kind of like having kids. The fewer rules you have, the better, because the rules you do have are actually rules and they're non-negotiables.
Whereas if you say everything's a rule, nothing becomes a rule.
It's the same with your needs. So the more you can really simmer down on what they are, it's key.
So for me, I would say absolutely connection is a need. I don't know if it'd be number one. It might be.
I'm just going to say what my needs are without necessarily prioritizing them first or organizing them.
I have a need for connection, absolutely. I have a need for growth, absolutely. I have a need for adventure.
I have a need for... I've put respect in a question mark. Is that real? I don't think that's a need for me.
If I have connection, growth, absolutely. Significance? Do you know what? I don't know if it is.
I think connection.
Stephen 30:01
It's a short list, isn't it? I think connection.
Tim Matthews 30:03
Connection. Contribution, that is definitely a need for myself. I love helping people.
So contribution, adventure, growth, connection, and I would probably say competence.
I mean, competence and growth, there's some overlap there for me. If I'm growing, learning, feeling good, feeling competent, I would...
Stephen 30:39
It's funny, as you're talking about yours, it makes me think about mine.
And certainly I'd agree about the growth and competence.
I mean, it's one of the reasons I've driven across here today, in a way, is because there's some growth.
I know I'll always take something from coming to do these podcasts, and I enjoy growing and learning.
And adventure as well. The conversation that I had with Jane last weekend when we were out talking about, we always want to do new and different things rather than just being stuck in a routine and doing the same thing.
So I feel like I've got a need for growth and adventure as well. But it's a short list.
Tim Matthews 31:17
So I'm going to read out, I've pulled up a different list here of needs.
Obviously, you've got Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which goes through psychological needs, physiological needs, all that kind of stuff. So I'm not really talking about them.
You've got physical safety, food and water, sleep and recovery, physical health, emotional safety, connection, love and affection, belonging and community.
I think if I've got connection, I'm okay. The belonging piece, community piece, I'd say connection for me.
Intimacy. Again, I feel like if I've got connection...
Stephen 31:53
Yeah, it kind of overlaps.
Tim Matthews 31:56
I've got intimacy, physical, emotional. The connection piece, that also goes to connection to myself too. I have to feel connected to myself.
Stephen 32:03
And maybe that's what I meant earlier when I said about that time and space for me.
I think one of the things I was not good at doing until a couple of years ago was taking out time for me, and that's connection with yourself, isn't it?
Getting time doing something just for me in nature or whatever. It's connection with yourself, and you can be so busy that you overlook that need to connect with yourself.
Tim Matthews 32:29
I would agree.
Here's one I've just written down for myself: being heard and understood.
I think that is a need of mine.
I think of times with Amelia and with people that matter most to me in my life. When I feel misunderstood, and that could be because I'm not communicating well, they're not listening, whatever it may be, it definitely creates frustration and fuels disconnect and can lead to resentment and all sorts of things.
So I would definitely say being heard and understood is a need of mine.
You've then got autonomy. I think that's a need for me. I think that's a need. The need for me to feel like I have autonomy over my life.
I'm going to add that down.
Stephen 33:19
That could creep into that control thing you were mentioning earlier.
Tim Matthews 33:23
Well, yeah, it does. It all depends on where that comes from, because the need for control for some of these guys comes from a place of essentially self-sabotage.
Things are getting good, but in order for things to continue to go well, they get to let go and open up.
But that's scary. So they want to shut down and control.
And then they can start to sabotage things and start to tear things down because at least then it's within their control.
Because they worry that, well, it might just happen anyway. But if it happens and I've opened up, then holy crap, it's happened because I've been rejected versus me rejecting them.
So that in essence, that would be autonomy, yes. But to your point, there's a healthy and unhealthy expression of it.
Unhealthy and healthy expression of growth. If you're going to grow from a place of, let's say, insecurity, then you're just going to grow and grow and grow, and it's never going to feel like enough.
You end up in the five agonies of feeling greed, anger, shame, loneliness, uncertainty.
Same with significance, if there's the unhealthy expression of that, like we've said.
Same with competence. If that's unhealthy, you're trying to prove yourself. It'll go into mastery, but essentially just spend all your time working.
So I'll keep going through this list.
Respect, that's not there for me.
Purpose and meaning. Purpose and meaning, for me, if I've got connection to myself, if I am growing and I am contributing, then for me, and there's autonomy there as well, then for me, I'm going to have purpose and meaning naturally.
Because I'm going to be creating something that is an expression of myself, hence the connection and the autonomy, that is causing me to grow and making the world a better place. Hence, contribution.
Growth, challenge. Yep. Play and enjoyment are part of adventure.
Rest, self-expression, authenticity. I mean, personally, whenever you're doing these things, to me, that's...
Stephen 35:37
Yeah, you're going to be authentic anyway.
Tim Matthews 35:39
Financial security, shelter, contribution.
So taking it a little bit further, let's say you had a need for connection. The want would be everyone must like me, if it's unhealthy.
Some ideas of wants: bigger house, expensive food, luxury holidays, ideal physique, everyone liking you, popularity, constant affection, being invited to everything, a particular amount or type of sex, people agreeing with you, always getting your own way, admiration, status, that's a want.
Job titles, constant achievement, expensive hobbies or toys, perfect work-life balance, attention, wealth, dream home, recognition for contribution.
So I think for my list, if I was to summarize it down, then you've got connection, growth, competence, adventure, contribution, being heard and understood, and autonomy.
Stephen 36:45
It's quite a short list, isn't it, really?
Tim Matthews 36:47
Well, it is, because then it helps me to organize my life around the things that matter the most.
Stephen 36:52
I feel as well, when you were going through those ideas, suggestions of wants as well, I think the more secure you are in those needs, and they're coming from a good place, actually the list of wants becomes more trivial and less important.
And for me, a lot of the need really for me centers back down to connection.
And something again, really over my journey of the last five or six years, of realizing that I didn't really have any connection with anybody, with my wife and my family, with friends, peers, colleagues.
It was a big thing that was missing, and then that would lead into frustration of, "Well, why doesn't anybody get me? Why doesn't anybody like me?"
Those kind of dark thoughts that then follow on from there.
That actually comes back to the thing of being more open and connecting with others.
Tim Matthews 37:49
I'm with you.
I mean, think about The Activation Method. It's all about going from deactivated to activated.
And typically, when you come into The Activation Method, the guys are living from the outside in, relying on external validation ultimately to tell them that they are okay, to tell them that they are good enough and that they'll get connection and all the things that they innately need.
However, the vehicles that have been chosen aren't the right ones, and/or the place that they've come from with it.
As the guys move through the program, and like you've done the past few years, and continue to get more and more in tune with themselves and clearer and clearer on what their needs are, and like you said, it's good to review this stuff because it changes over time.
And the more they align their lives with this, the more authentically they live, which puts them in a place of living from a place of internal validation, where your worth is determined based upon who you are and how you congruently live, not from how the world responds to you.
So if you are living congruently with these needs, you are going to feel great because you are in alignment with how you want to live.
Stephen 39:08
And there are times when, I found this myself, I'm sure you have too, that occasionally you knock out of alignment.
It happened to me a few months ago where I, for whatever reason, became very unaligned, and I started to go down, and I saw myself going down a bit of a well of, "Oh, nobody likes me. Everybody hates me, and no one's asking me how I am or coming to rescue me."
And the realization was actually that's all on me.
It's about getting back into alignment for myself, because ultimately it is all about you powering your own destiny in that way, and not wallowing in a sort of pity party of, "Oh, no one's coming to check up on me. No one's asking me how I'm doing because I'm not doing great," kind of thing.
Okay, I'm going to pull myself together and get back in alignment, and get back into reaching out in a positive way.
And you meet those needs yourself, mostly.
There are some needs, yes, you need others, but the initiation of that, I think, is the thing.
That's it. No one is going to come and save you. You have to initiate all those things for yourself. That's the thing.
Tim Matthews 40:18
What are your top three takeaways from this?
Stephen 40:22
I think takeaway number one is, for me, how much sharing and talking about needs and wants is really important, because the conversation we've just had has helped me get a bit more focus on mine.
I think the second one would be how much connection, communication for me, probably topped my list of needs.
And it's not rocket science, but just talking it through and thinking about it is really there too.
The third one would be, for me, actually, all the wants are kind of secondary, and a lot of them are just for show.
And I think back, and I'm going to review that list of 100 things I want that I put together a couple of years ago.
I know there's quite a lot of them I've achieved, so there's something about noting them down.
But actually, I'm sure a chunk of it was like, "I'm just trying to get to 100, so I'm going to just write down trivial stuff."
The needs, and the right kind of needs as well, as you say, and you put it really well.
Tim Matthews 41:25
It's so easy when, again, I just keep thinking of the guys that come into the movement.
So often they fall into the trap of thinking that their wants are needs.
But in actual fact, when they really do the work and reflect and simmer it down and run it through various filters, you realize, "Hang on a minute. Actually, those things that I thought I needed, actually I'm okay. I'm actually okay."
And in fact, the things that really matter to me are these handful of things.
And this is one of the ways in which the guys in the movement go on to just live such incredible lives, because they get very clear on what matters most, and they very much align their life around those things.
They take a stand for those things very seriously because these are the few things that really mean the most to me.
And as a result, the world tends to respond and react accordingly.
Stephen 42:28
And as you said, applying that filter, the sort of, "What if this was your last day on Earth?" filter to say, is this a need or a want?
If I only had 24 hours, where would this thing sit?
Tim Matthews 42:40
I like that idea.
So guys, thank you for joining us for another episode of the TPM Show.
I'd love to hear what comes up for you in your list of needs and wants.
If you would like to get the cheat sheet that walks you through this in a little bit more depth and gives you more filters to run through, just email in "need" to VIP, that's very important person, at thepowerfulman.com.
We'll see you next time on the TPM Show.