Episode #877
Are you constantly seeking your wife’s approval, only to feel her slipping further away? Ever wonder why your best intentions seem to push her even more?
In this episode, we’re breaking down the common trap men fall into: neediness. That anxious energy repels her, even when you’re trying your hardest. We’ll talk about how to stop chasing and start leading as the grounded man she’s naturally drawn to.
We’ll dive into the key concept of polarity in relationships and how flipping your approach can reignite the spark between you. Plus, you’ll get clear steps to lead your marriage without having to chase or fix everything.
Here’s what you’ll discover:
- Why chasing her isn’t working—and how it’s actually driving her away.
- The power of polarity and how to restore balance in your relationship.
- How to stop relying on her for validation and step into your own power.
- A simple, proven method to turn things around—no endless talks required.
It’s time to stop chasing and start leading. Tune in and learn how to transform your marriage from the inside out.
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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
You try to put two magnets together that have the same polarization, and they repel. You can’t get those magnets to attach, but when you flip one of those magnets, it’s hard to get them apart, right? And the reason is because of that magnetism, that polarity, that’s there. When a man has needy energy, that’s a very feminine energy, right? We all have needy energy, but when you’re consistently like that, it’s feminine energy. And if your wife is naturally feminine, which she is, or you wouldn’t be listening to this show, then you guys aren’t going to have that polarity, and you’re going to repel her.
You stop chasing your wife. What I mean by that is stop over-pursuing her. If you are in a sexless marriage, or you’re in a situation where your wife seems closed down, she’s not being as expressive with you, or maybe she’s avoiding you altogether, what a lot of men do is start chasing their wives. What I mean by that is they start really pursuing her; they’ll follow her around the house, send her a ton of text messages, emails, phone calls, and just check in to see how she’s doing. Now, it’s one thing to check in with your wife, like you would with anybody you care about, to see how they’re doing, but that’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is men, men who are in a marriage that isn’t working well, and men who are in a relationship where the woman just seems to be avoiding them. She’s not in her feminine energy. And guys try to solve it, right? We try to fix this problem, and a lot of guys try to do so by being a nice guy and then also exhibiting very needy energy.
Now, what I see often when I’m talking to men is they’ll tell me about how they actually are pursuing their wives. They’ll say, “Doug, you know, when I come home, I’m asking her how she’s doing, and she just says, ‘Fine,’ and she walks away. She’s avoiding me, right?” But that’s not really the case. She might be avoiding you, but what she’s doing is avoiding the needy you, right? When you come in with this needy energy, this feeling, right, that you need to check in with her, you need to find out where she’s at. So, you know, is she in a good mood? Is she in a bad mood? One woman, when I spoke to her, described this as soon as her husband walked in the door, it felt like tentacles all around her. She could feel his needy energy. She could feel the fact that he needed some kind of assurance, or some kind of reassurance, that the relationship was good, and he would then act based on her mood. She didn’t want that. What she told me directly, she said, “I want a man.” And what she meant by that—and her husband is a man—was, “I want a guy who is so in tune with his own inner power”—that’s why we call it *The Powerful Man*—”it’s the inner power within you, that he is not shaken by my mood.”
Now, she could be in a bad mood because of the kids, her cycle, or any number of things, but when the man reacts to her energy directly, he is no longer in control, right? Because external forces are causing him to change his mood and change the way that he acts, therefore reacting to the situation. And she knows, at a core level, that if her mood can affect him that much, then how the heck is he going to protect her, right? Not only protect her from physical pain or physical attacks but also emotional things. She can no longer be wild and free in that flowy feminine energy because he can’t handle it. That’s what he’s sending to her. And guys do this all the time. They’ll follow their wives around the house, checking in to make sure they’re doing the right things. “Hey babe, I just want to let you know I did the dishes,” or, “Hey, I vacuumed the floor,” or, “I changed the oil in your car.” And they’re saying this so they can get a good boy-type response, right?
This is ridiculous. The woman’s now thinking, “Well, first of all, the fact that you have to tell me you did the dishes or changed the oil, and now you’re looking for something in return, we are now in a transactional relationship. You’re not just doing it out of the kindness of your heart.” And now, guys, you’re thinking, “Well, Doug, yes, I am. I’m doing this because it’s a kind act.” But that’s not the way it’s being received. It’s being received as if you’re chasing her, you’re chasing her attention, and you’re chasing her approval. And when you’re chasing her approval, you become a beta. You become a needy person, right?
This is totally different, guys, from just making sure your wife’s happy or making sure she’s good because you love her and care for her. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking to you guys who are in a sexless marriage, or in a marriage that just isn’t working well for you, and the way you’re trying to solve it is incorrect. It just doesn’t work. I’ve been there myself, and literally thousands upon thousands of men that I’ve talked to have been there too. Really, what you’re doing is going into the solution mode of being a nice guy, and you’re also checking in to see how she’s feeling. So you’re wanting to know, “Look, am I doing the right things to course-correct my marriage?” And you’re doing that by using her as your litmus test. And that’s not the way to do it.
In our Activation Method for Relationships, which is our flagship program that teaches you how to save your marriage without talking about it, the reason it works so well is that the power goes within you. We teach men a thing we call the triad of connection. In order to have the connection that we all want in our marriages, the one I have in my marriage currently, you need three things, right? You need to have a clean slate. What that means is you have to stop looking at the past, whether your wife’s cheated, you’ve cheated, or you’re dealing with constant complaints. You need to wipe that slate completely clean so there’s no mud in the glass, and so you’re not constantly digging up the same arguments over and over again.
I mean, look at this. I remember way back in my marriage, it seemed that my wife would bring up the same problem, the same issue, time and time again, and I would think that we resolved it, right? But she would bring it up again a month or six months later. And if that’s happening to you, you need to wipe the slate clean so you don’t have to deal with those issues anymore, and you can move forward rather than looking in the rearview mirror of your marriage.
Now also, you need to use something we call The Hidden Motives Technique. I’ve done a ton of podcasts on this. You can look through the archives—I think at this point, we have over 870 podcasts or so—so there’s a lot of material on there. But you need this methodology, and you need to master it, right, so you can actually have good communication with your wife. We, as men, were never taught how to communicate with women. Women communicate differently than men, right? And you, as the communicator, your job is to get your message to land on the other person. So if you’re presenting from the stage, if you’re doing sales, if you’re talking to your staff, you may change the tonality of your voice. You may change the way you say something so somebody else can understand you better. Well, The Hidden Motives Technique is just this. It’s just as a man, how to communicate to women so they feel seen and heard, right? And then you also need to do what’s called the *Live Like a King* system. We use that to make sure that all these foundations stay in place and that you eliminate needing external validation. The validation comes from yourself.
Hey guys, I wanted to interrupt this episode because it’s dawned on me that many of you guys aren’t aware that we actually have a book on how to save your marriage without talking about it. Now, thousands of men have read it, they’ve reviewed it, and I want to give you the opportunity to do the same. If you’re interested in grabbing it, it’s a short read, but it’s helped a lot of men just like you. Maybe you’re not interested in The Activation Method yet, but this is a small entry point that can really turn things around for you. Go over to Amazon; we have it priced as cheap as Amazon will let us, and that way, you have a resource that you can use right now to start getting some results in your marriage. Now, let’s get back to the episode.
You see, when you’re chasing your wife around, really what you’re saying to her is, “I need your approval. Am I being a good husband? Am I being a good boy?” Right? You’re saying that time and time again. When you’re following her around the house, you’re chasing her. You’re sending her tons of text messages. Now, I’m not talking about if you’re sexting—that’s a different story. You’re in a better place. But if you’re sending her text messages to check in, to see how she’s doing, to check in to see where she is, or anything like that, you’re telling her that you require her validation, that you’re a good man, that you’re a good husband, that you’re a good father, and that, guys, is just not sexy. It just isn’t. So you need to start looking for that power within.
If you’re a businessman and you’re interested in learning how to do this at a core level, then I invite you to read in the description. We’ll have a link there to look into The Activation Method for Relationships. And do it today. Take decisive action. Do it today, and just look into it and see if it’s the right fit. And it may not be, right? A lot of men that I talk to will listen to this podcast for a year or three years, but I will tell you, the one thing that everyone—100% of them—says to me is, “I should have done this earlier, Doug. I should have joined earlier.” And the reason is you’re getting a proven methodology, a proven set of skills that you can now use. And now you don’t have to chase your wife, right? You want to be magnetic to her. You want her to come to you naturally, and that’s probably what happened when you first started dating, right?
She was curious about what you were up to. She wanted to spend time with you. She wanted to be in your presence because you were an amazing man. She saw the powerful man inside of you. And women tell me that all the time—one of their biggest frustrations is they can see the man that you could be, the man that they know is inside, and they get hurt, angry, and frustrated because you’re not showing up like that. Now, I’m not saying you need to be perfect. I’m not perfect. I’ve never met a perfect person. But they want to know that you’re striving to be that man. They want to know that you’re working on being that man. That’s why some guys, as soon as they join The Activation Method, their marriage completely changes, right? And it changes because now, all of a sudden, their wife is like, “Wait a minute, you’re doing something. You’re taking action. You don’t normally do this. You talk about going to the gym, or you talk about the stuff you’re going to fix in the house, or you talk about how you’re going to be a better man, but you don’t actually do it.” And now you’re taking massive action, and as I always talk about, that is sexy to a woman. Your wife is dying for you to take this massive action, whatever it may be.
Now, if you don’t join The Powerful Man, no worries, right? It won’t change my life if you do, but I guarantee it’ll change yours. But do something else, right? Just do something that’s going to push the needle. And that something can be stopping chasing your wife, stopping that needy, anxious energy. She can feel it. Like I was talking to this man’s woman, who described him as having these tentacles all around her. She was saying, “Like, I’m in the kitchen, and I can feel him as soon as he walks in the door. I can feel his energy like he’s trying to search for what my feelings are.” And that’s not what she wants. She wants a man. Those were her exact words.
Now, this guy course-corrected, and he is the man, right? But he is still the same human. He just changed his way of being. He just changed his needy energy. And as soon as he did that, she started becoming attracted to him, where he walked in the door, and she came to greet him because she was excited to see him. That’s totally different. That’s a completely different marriage, right? In the beginning, the guy comes in the door, and again, his wife describes it like tentacles all around her, and she’s repelled. She wants nothing to do with him. She goes to a different room. If he comes into that room, she gets up and leaves to another room. It’s completely repulsive to a woman.
Now he course-corrects, right? And now he’s finding the power within himself, which, a) he feels a lot better—he’s being the man he always knew was inside him, but he just couldn’t activate it. That’s why it’s called The Activation Method, right? The Activation Method. This guy also reset his Alpha, right? We have a program called the Alpha Reset, and he goes through that. Now he’s having more fun with his own personal life. He’s doing things that he enjoys. And guess what? He walks in the door now, and his wife is attracted to him. If he goes into the living room, she comes to the living room because she wants to be with him. If he gets up and he goes to the bedroom, well, she, nine times out of ten, is going to get up and go to the bedroom with him. And it’s not because she’s a dog or anything like that. She’s just attracted to him. It’s attraction. It’s polarity.
When you’re in this needy energy, like he was originally, that repulses. That’s like having the same magnetism, and you try to put two magnets together that have the same polarization—they repel. You can’t get those magnets to attach. But when you flip one of those magnets, it’s hard to get them apart, right? And the reason is because of that magnetism, that polarity that’s there. When a man has needy energy, that’s a very feminine energy, right? We all have needy energy, but when you’re consistently like that, it’s feminine energy. And if your wife is naturally feminine, which she is, or you wouldn’t be listening to this show, then you guys aren’t going to have that polarity, and you’re going to repel her. And the more you chase her, the farther she’s going to want to go away, to the point where she doesn’t want you around.
And that’s when guys will tell me, “Man, you know, I’m going on a business trip, and my wife can’t wait for me to go.” Fast forward about six months or so, after going through the program, doing the work, whatever it takes, now, the wife doesn’t want them to go on the business trip, or she wants to go along. And again, they’ve gone back to dating. Or usually, what guys will tell me is it’s better than it’s ever been. And one of the things that they’ve stopped doing is chasing their wives.
So, guys, I’m going to encourage you to look at how you’re doing it. Maybe you’re not physically chasing your wife, but do you follow her around? Are you texting her all the time to check in, to see how she’s doing, to calibrate or gauge her emotional response? You know, is it going to be a good night or a bad night? Is there an opportunity for sex? And you’re going out there, and you’re reaching—kind of just testing the waters a little bit to see how she’s feeling. If you’re doing that, she knows you’re being in needy energy. I want you to go ahead and turn that power inside of yourself. Get back to activated. That’s the baseline for us at The Powerful Man—being activated. Get back to activated, where you can do things that you want to do, fill your cup, and live your best life.
I always say, guys, life is too short for average. If you’re in an average marriage or below, if you’re in an average life or below, or in an average business or below, you’re not living the life you were meant to live. You’re not living the life that your Creator wanted you to have, right? You need to activate, step in, and step out. And as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. So, what are you going to do today to change your life around so you can stop being average and start living the life you’re meant to live? I’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
