Stuck In A Rut? Here’s Your Ladder Out!

Episode #749

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Doug Holt  00:26

Hey, guys. Welcome back to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. And if you’ve been following us these last few episodes, I am once again blessed to have my best friends here with me. Arthur Magoulianiti, Tim Matthews. And we’re here again, guys, to have some fun and hopefully share some knowledge with you guys.

So, gentlemen, today, what I want to talk about is an idea that all of us have been through and all men get through is getting stuck in a rut where you feel stuck and unclear on what to do next. What I want to do is, for a man that’s out there just like, gosh, I’m feeling stuck right now. What can they do practically today? First, to identify where they might be getting stuck, two the best ways of getting out. And before you guys say The Alpha Reset, we’ll come to that another time a little bit later.

Tim Matthews  01:11

I think the guys need to get real with themselves because I think they know where they’re stuck and why they’re stuck. I think it’s very rare that the guys don’t know where they’re stuck or even why. I think they might be telling themselves a story and hiding. But if they just got real with themselves, look, they’re on the fence, right?

Typically, when they’re stuck, they’re on the fence, and a decision needs to be made one way or another. And they’re usually avoiding making that decision for whatever reason. Excuse story, it may be. Now, yeah, there may be some truth in the fact that they may not know how to get off the fence in certain situations, but I think, overall, the first thing they need to do is just get real with themselves and stop procrastinating.

Doug Holt  01:55

So let’s start there, because you’ve given two ways already to identify if you’re stuck in a rut and where you are. So I want to break that down for those guys listening, because I can imagine myself listening to this right now. I’m at the gym or I’m on a bike rider or maybe I’m watching this on my big screen, which I hope you guys are at home is okay. How do I know if I’m telling myself a story versus a fact, right?

And you gave a really good reason to do that, followed up with it, which is number two, which I really want the guys to get, is, do you feel stuck between a decisions? Is there a decision you haven’t been decisive about? Is there something that’s going on in your life where you haven’t made a conclusive decision to move one way or the other?

Tim Matthews  02:39

Yeah, that definitely resonates. I’m thinking about all the guys that we speak to, right? Who come to us and appear to be stuck in that scenario. There’s always a decision they’re avoiding making. Always.

Doug Holt  02:55

So sometimes I wonder, like, the idea of some guys are looking for just their next phase of life, though, right? Some guys are looking for their passion, their purpose. That’s a common thing we hear. That’s not always a decision of being seen.

Tim Matthews  03:05

True. I can see that.

Doug Holt  03:07

Yeah. But usually I would say you’re right. I’m just trying to think of other ways of doing it on how do you know? And we’ll start there because I have some solutions to getting out of that.

Tim Matthews  03:17

Yeah, but even in that scenario, right, we have a lot of the guys in the movement that do want to do something more purposeful. Right? And whenever we present them with the opportunity to be able to give back to the other men, they get excited and most of them take it up. I believe most of those guys knew a long time before we suggested it that they wanted to give back in that way, in some way, shape or form, but they were too embarrassed to say or they didn’t want to say or whatever it may be. And even in that scenario, I think they could still be decisive and take a risk and just say, hey, this is what I’m thinking of feeling. Don’t have a clue how it’s going to land, but just throwing it out there.

Arthur Magoulianiti  04:01

Yeah. I want to take you back to what you said earlier on and that the other option is they have a story, right? They have a story that they get stuck on. It’s either this or this. And I don’t know which one to make, but the premise of those stories may be incorrect, and that’s why they’re getting stuck. And so for me, just to throw another thing that they can do out there straight away is get outside eyes in, which is where coaching comes into play, which is where teachers and mentors come into play.

You stuck, because your mind is stuck across these two stories that for whatever reason you’ve made up, you’ve given meaning to certain things. You can’t decide which one to go for, which is a decision, as you said. And you need to get some outside thinking in to help you change that perspective because usually it’s just a shift in perspective that’s going to get you out of that rut. At least for me that’s what it was.

Doug Holt  04:54

Well, that’s exactly, yeah. That’s exactly why you got involved with the powerful man movement first becoming a participant or a client in the powerful man and growing through that. Also, when you think about it, you think of the boardroom scenario with the inner circle we just got back from, or even The Brotherhood events. When you surround yourself with peers playing at a high level, they don’t allow you to have those stories. But I also think there’s an element here of you don’t know what you don’t know. Right?

And so oftentimes you could be stuck or feel stagnant and you didn’t know there was another. It’s like this or that and you go, well, wait a minute, what about that third possibility or that fourth possibility? You and I have talked about this before. With any problem there’s always at least three solutions. And so you got to find that third solution and sometimes you can’t. Sometimes you got to raise your hand or surround yourself in a group of peers or coaching. And mentoring is the easiest. Right?

I think the best coaches in the world, we just ask questions. We don’t have the answers. We find the answers that you already have within side of yourselves and help you pull them back so you can look at them objectively. Now with that being said, the peer group is another way of doing it. When you combine both of those together, effective coaching, so it’s different than coaching. Effective coaching and a peer group of people playing at your level or higher, that’s a really way to get clarity around it and get unstuck from there.

Tim Matthews  06:14

Yeah. I think when I imagine someone. I agree, by the way. I think when I imagine someone been stuck and been on the fence, there’s a big level of indecisiveness there on.

Doug Holt  06:24

The fence for sure.

Tim Matthews  06:25

Yeah. And they’re not raising their hand, they’re not asking for help, tell themselves a story, they’re procrastinating because I agree. I think it can just be perspective. But if they raise their hand and they get the perspective they can, assuming they’re going to take action, they could shift within a day. Right? As long as it depends how quickly they’re going to take ownership of the fact that, hey, I’m on the fence, there’s no movement here. I will allow that. I’m going to raise my hand.

Doug Holt  06:51

I think we’re talking about two different things here. I want to make sure there’s clear distinction.

Tim Matthews  06:55

Yes.

Doug Holt  06:56

Okay. But for the listener, we talked originally about getting unstuck, and then you said earlier, most of the guys are on the fence, which I think is true, but they’re two distinct things. Getting stuck, getting stuck on something and then being on the fence, they can be the same thing. Right? If you’re on the fence, you’re stuck, but you can also be stuck and not be on the fence.

So I think that’s just a very clear. So if you find yourself and you’re listening to this and you’re like, I’m stuck and I’m stuck between a decision, then you’re on the fence. Right? Then it’s this or that. But you could just be stuck and not be on the fence. You could just not know what the next pathway is or what pathways even exist.

Arthur Magoulianiti  07:33

Exactly. A lot of guys get stuck in the heads going round and round trying to find an answer to a problem. Right? And they’re in the rut because they’ve spent so much time trying to find a solution within themselves that isn’t there. All right? And so that’s where they got to go outside of themselves. Because the thing is this, guys, if you are sitting there ruminating on trying to find a solution and you’ve been doing it for ages, it’s just not there for you. You got to change the pattern, you got to change the method, the routine, to go outside of yourself to find that, whether that’s gaining more knowledge, speaking to a person or whatever, that answer isn’t in your head, so stop trying to find it.

Tim Matthews  08:11

Yeah.

Doug Holt  08:12

Yeah. There’s another variable to this that I think doesn’t get talked about. I haven’t heard it really talked about in any business development or personal development discussions around this subject, so I want to bring it to the table. I like to hear what you guys think because I also think that some people think they’re stuck and they’re really in a growth phase. And what I mean by that, in a traditional growth curve, it goes very linear and then it drops off into a dip.

Tim Matthews  08:35

Yeah. We speak about this a lot with the guys in the IC.

Doug Holt  08:37

Yep. Before it shoots back up again.

Tim Matthews  08:39

Exactly. Yeah.

Doug Holt  08:40

So the famous one that I’ve always heard talked about is Tiger woods almost at the pinnacle of his career, completely changed his golf swing.

Tim Matthews  08:48

Yeah, you solve a problem that doesn’t exist. Right? Because you don’t take into account where you are. Hey, I’m in the dip after the last phase of growth. Ready to go again. No need to freak out about this. I’m just in the dip and I’m going to come back through.

Doug Holt  09:03

And you get to enjoy that dip.

Tim Matthews  09:04

Yeah, big time. It’s where you can rest, recover, take stock, celebrate. Yeah, big time.

Arthur Magoulianiti  09:10

Celebrate.

Tim Matthews  09:11

Because you can’t always be full throttle. Right? And you can’t always get exponential growth. There’s going to be a dip as long as you’re trending upwards. But, yeah, we see it a lot with the guys in the IC and.

Doug Holt  09:21

Doing the things that got you there. Right? The thing is, when people go into a dip, they stop doing their for us and the men we work with, they stop doing their Alpha Rise & Shine, they stop doing their decompression, stop attending calls. I was just going to say stop attending calls and their coaching because they think, oh, this is not working or something’s going wrong. When really they’re just about to launch. They’re just about to launch.

So I would say get feedback from your coach in this situation, if you’re working with a coach and just see what they have to say because a great coach is going to tell you, hey, you’re send a dip or, yeah, you’re just not doing the friggin work. There’s a problem here.

Tim Matthews  09:52

In those moments, I love reminding the guys, look how far you’ve come in six months. And they forget, of course they forget that they’re living a completely different life at different levels of performance because it’s become the new norm. Right? But when they actually zoom out and reflect and think, oh, wow, crap, yeah, you’re right. I’ve actually completely shifted my identity, the standards in my health, my relationship. But yeah, to your point, at that point, they just get to take stock, rest, recover, reflect, redefine what it is they want to achieve in the next growth phase and go from there.

Arthur Magoulianiti  10:34

Thanks.

Doug Holt  10:35

Something that go on to that, if I can, is one thing you can do. Listening to this right now is engage in weekly reflection.

Tim Matthews  10:42

100%.

Doug Holt  10:43

Weekly reflection is going to be a huge way of doing it because the analogy I constantly use is you could have the best day of your life and you’re heading home and a guy pulls in front of you, cuts you off and gives you the finger. That’s what you’re thinking about the rest of the day, you forget about those hundred other great things that happen. And so weekly reflection, if I could speak, gives you the ability to look back and start looking over the weeks, the months and the years of all the things that have happened, the wins, so you can see your growth momentum.

Tim Matthews  11:14

I’d say one of the most impactful things I see in the coaching I do with the guys, be it one on one or in the IC, is just get him to reflect. It happened today on a call with one of the one on one guys. He’s got a lot going on in business. Just off the back of most successful month I’ve had. Then it took a bit of a dip. He’s stressed out about it on the phone with him and he’s, oh, hang on a minute. My wife’s just text, she’s at the door. This has never happened before.

So he goes out to see her and she just wanted to stop by and see if he was okay. And I’m like, oh, my, that’s incredible. He’s like, that’s weird. That’s never happened before. I’m like, yeah, it’s because you’re so consistent with what you’re doing and she feels so connected that she’s gone out of a way. I mean, look, if you would have got home tonight, you wouldn’t have said to her, hey, how come you didn’t stop by today? Like, no, of course not. Exactly. But look, this is you being consistent. Your relationship is the best it’s been in a long, long. At which point he starts to zoom out from all the problems at work, zoom out from what happened yesterday in his relationship or the past few days, and he’s realizing, oh, crap. Yeah, you’re right. These past three months are the best they’ve ever been, culminating in this thing here that would have never happened before. And he was just blown away for a couple of seconds, speechless, really.

And, yeah, again, for me, I think one of the most impactful things we can do as coaches is get them to zoom out and have those moments of reflection, tune out from the constant achievement and next, next, next. And just hit the pause button for them and have those moments of reflection and insight, really, because they always, always land in a magical way and what they think is a losing streak because of this dip, because it feels different. They realize, oh, actually, I’m exactly where I should be and things are better than they’ve ever been.

Arthur Magoulianiti  13:14

Yeah. I mean, we often talk about the gap in the gain, right? And this is exactly what we’re talking about here. Most guys are so focused on what they haven’t achieved and on the next thing, on the next thing to get that external validation, then looking backwards and saying, wow, look how far I’ve come. And that is more internal validation. It’s you saying, actually I’ve done a great job. I’ve got to this point, right, instead of just looking for that external validation the whole time. So yeah, we get to look backwards as well and celebrate how far we’ve come.

Doug Holt  13:49

Yeah, I agree. And before we share the number one thing that all three of us will go through, the number one thing, which I’m pretty sure we all agree the number one thing men can do, another thing that I’m going to say that’s unpopular is I think you should share this with your partner when you’re feeling stuck and in a rut. I think most men feel embarrassed and they don’t want to share it. They don’t want act like they don’t have all the answers.

And I think that is a sign of weakness, right? It’s a sign of weakness that women will take. And I’m not saying the men are weak. It’s a natural thing. We don’t want to show the fact that we don’t have all the answers and that we’re perfect or we’re not perfect, excuse me, or whatever else it may be. However, when done from a place of power and a place of vulnerability, it can be sexy as hell for a woman, for a man to say, hey, you know what? I’m feeling a little stuck. If he follows it up with this, I’m feeling a little stuck. I’m just not sure what to do next. Here’s my plan. Here’s something I’m going to do to move forward.

Tim Matthews  14:47

100%.

Doug Holt  14:48

And you can ask your wife. Guys that listen to this show didn’t marry weak women. They didn’t marry dumb women. Your women are smart. These are great women who are very smart and very intelligent and ask them for their opinion. They probably know you better than you know you, right? They know what you’re going to say before you even open your friggin mouth.

So by sharing them being vulnerable, you have the opportunity to connect with them, to increase intimacy and also get some friggin insights from somebody who knows you pretty darn well on what it is you might be doing. And I know when I’ve done this with my wife, she has really good insights. Sometimes it’s like you know what you’re doing too much. You just need to slow down. Or you know what? You always get filled up when you’re helping other people. You should move in that direction.

Arthur Magoulianiti  15:31

Yeah. The one thing I would say, though, is do that and don’t keep on hopping on that, though. I’ve been there and I’ve done that, and it bores the shit out of your partner after a while. They don’t want to hear you, so definitely speak with them, but don’t get stuck in there.

Tim Matthews  15:48

You got to maintain some level of strength and power within that from the direction. Right? Versus just dumping your problems and wanting to be saved, because that’s not what exactly they want to hear.

Doug Holt  16:00

Well, and that goes with anybody. Right? And your partner is even more so. But we’re friends, and if you come to me with the same problem over and over again, I’m going to tell you to shut the f up until you go do something about it.

Arthur Magoulianiti  16:09

Exactly.

Doug Holt  16:10

And that’s, I think what real friends in my world do is be honest. Like, hey, I’m tired of hearing the story. Go. Just go do something about it or stop friggin complaining. And I think it’s common for us, especially in a relationship, a very close, intimate relationship, to want to share that with the person we’re around the most, because it’s what’s going through our heads so much is we want to share it and voice it.

Arthur Magoulianiti  16:33

Yeah.

Doug Holt  16:34

All right, so let me ask this question. I will start with you, Arthur. In your experience, first of all, have you ever felt stuck in life?

Arthur Magoulianiti  16:44

Too many times.

Doug Holt  16:46

What’s the best thing you’ve ever done?

Arthur Magoulianiti  16:47

I’ve reached out for help.

Doug Holt  16:50

Anything specific?

Arthur Magoulianiti  16:51

Yeah. I mean, what got me into coaching, actually, I’ve been through maybe two, three careers. Coaching is my third. I had finished the one. I wasn’t clear on what I wanted to do. I got caught in a big know when you can do various things, you know, you don’t know what to do. But I also got stuck in my head. And so eventually, after p****** Penelope off with the same story over and over and over and over, I said, like, I’ve got to change something. Something’s got to shift here. And I reached out for help. So I attended a course, and that got me going. And that was a direct result, sort of three, four iterations down, of me being here today.

Doug Holt  17:32

Awesome, Tim?

Tim Matthews  17:33

Yeah. I was thinking game perspective. Right? And however that happens, whether it’s your partner, whether it’s journaling, and you realize that perspective can shift. Getting coaching, whatever, you’ve got to get a different perspective in order to be able to see it differently and move forward.

Doug Holt  17:52

Yeah. I’m going to give two things, because one’s going to sound self-serving, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say this. The Alpha Reset. Alpha reset. Maybe some looking the picture behind you guys right now of a group of men that have been through that experience. 100% of the guys say it’s one of the most transformational experiences they ever had. I would say most of them would say that have been stuck going into it, have become unstuck going out of it. And it’s only three days, right? Of a three full day experience coming through. So that’s one.

But since people are going to say I’m biased, I can already tell, and I am, but I do think it’s the best. And I would be lying to our audience, which I won’t do. The second thing I would say is I have a set of cards called the creative whack pack. It’s not what it sounds like, boys. You can already see the giggles.

Tim Matthews  18:40

The paddle comes out.

Doug Holt  18:42

That’s not what he’s thinking. But anyway, what it does is the idea is it’s a deck of deck of cards. You pull out one card and it asks you about the thing you’re thinking about and looking at it at a different angle. So it gives you a creative way of looking at a problem or a situation that you wouldn’t have otherwise thought of. And I’ve been using that since I was probably 22, 23. I don’t use it all the time, but every once in a while I got to go friggin find the thing because it’s the only time I use it. But I pull it out and it has me look at the problem from a different perspective. Right?

And I think that’s really what it is. Whether you’re getting coaching or thinking about things differently, you’re getting a different perspective around the issue. Because one of the reasons we get stuck is we’re looking at it through our own lens. We can only go so far with our own lens.

Tim Matthews  19:25

Well, if that’s saying you cannot solve a problem at the same level of thinking that created it.

Doug Holt  19:30

It’s 100% true. 100% true. Awesome. I mean, we all get stuck. We all know that. We get stuck from time to time. You get stuck in your marriage, get stuck in your health, get stuck in your business. Often they’re intermingled, as we know. And so I think it’s interesting for these guys to take at least one of these perspectives to get changed because once you get unstuck. It’s like unking the hose for your energy and vitality.

Tim Matthews  19:51

Yeah. Just one final thing to add. I think the guys, anyone listening to this, they’ve got to embrace the vulnerability. I know we touched on this with the partner piece, but I think really embracing being vulnerable about the fact that you’re stuck and you need help and that you don’t have the answer and you need to figure this out. I think the quicker I know in my life, the more I’ve been vulnerable in those situations and really embrace the fact that I don’t know how to do this and I’m stuck and that I need help and I need some perspective and set my pride and my ego aside, the faster and easier it was to get out of it.

Doug Holt  20:25

Yeah. Something most people don’t know is we have The Activation Method for self. Now we haven’t released it. We ran it for years and we kind of put it to the side during the COVID era and we haven’t redone it. So we’re repackaging and redoing that. And it is specifically designed for men to get unstuck and get clear so they can move forward. That will be coming out in Q1 of 2024.

Tim Matthews  20:48

Yes.

Doug Holt  20:49

So if you’re interested in that and you want to be one of the first ones to get back in the same program, that’s helped a lot of our actual coaches and other people that have gone through this program get unstuck and get clear on where they want to go. If you want to be one of the first men to get the new released version of that and really it’s a similar content, it’s updated, better videos is what it’s going to be and better trainings. We want to get on that list. Email. You do have to email and I know that’s a pain in the butt, but that’s the only way you’re going to get on is VIP. Very important person at thepowerfulman.com and let them know you want to get on the waiting list for The Activation Method for self. That’s The Activation Method for self.

Got to be very clear to the person that responds to inbox because we don’t respond to that inbox transparently. Just don’t have enough time. Vip@thepowerfulman.com, let them know you want to get on that waiting list so you can be one of the first ones to go through. And that’s also helped thousands of men get unstuck, get clear and move on into their life for passion and purpose.

Guys, this is awesome. This is fun being with both of you here at the TPM ranch, having a great time sharing the knowledge and experience we’ve had so other men don’t have to go through the troubles as we’ve had and they can compress time and move forward quicker.

Guys, always great having you guys here. If you’re not watching us on YouTube, I’d appreciate if you just go over there. That’s where we’re going to be putting more unique, fresh content. Just go over to YouTube, hit the subscribe button so you can see the videos that we’re putting out so you can laugh with us and laugh at us.

We’re just a bunch of guys having a great time and we’re trying to shorten your learning curve so you can have more passion in life and shorten and compress the time so you can carry on, be a better husband, better father, and a better man for yourself. Until next time, we’ll see you again on The Powerful Man Show.