Episode #958
What happens when two of our top coaches stop coaching—and step into the Alpha Reset as participants?
That’s exactly what Mike and Neil did.
In this episode, they open up about the resistance that came up before the Reset, what it took to drop the ego, and what it really means to lead from the front—not just for others, but for themselves.
Mike shares the moment he FaceTimed his wife right after it ended. She just stared at him, smiling.
“You look different,” she said.
“I like this version of Mike.”
That moment? That was the result. Right there.
Neil’s story is quieter—but just as powerful. He didn’t come home and give a big speech. He didn’t have to. His son just felt it. The calm. The shift. The safety. No words needed.
In this episode, you’ll hear:
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What it looks like when high-level coaches stop leading and start doing the deeper work
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Why emotional safety is a game-changer—for your marriage and your kids
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The real reason so many men blame their wives (hint: it’s not about her)
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How showing up differently creates a ripple effect across your entire home
This isn’t about theory. It’s about doing the work—especially when no one’s watching.
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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
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Transcription
Mike 0:00
When I was done, I FaceTimed my wife, and so I FaceTimed my wife, and I was talking to her, and she was just smiling ear to ear. And she was like—she just kept saying, “Wow, you look different.” She’s like, “You look different.” And she was like, “You’re so handsome.” I said, “What did I look like before?” And she kept saying, “It’s like—you look so different.” She’s just smiling ear to ear. She’s like, “I like this Mike.” So to me, that is the result.
Doug Holt 0:44
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM Show, and once again, I am joined by some special guests. As you guys—if you listened to the previous episode—know, we just got off fresh from an Alpha Reset. Now the Alpha Reset is our flagship experiential program that takes place over three and a half days. Really, today’s the checkout day, and we’re at The Ranch having a good time here. And this time, at this Alpha Reset, we had two of our top-tier coaches actually going through as participants. So one of the things we like to do is, you know, we want the chef to eat the cooking, right? Eat their own food, so to speak, and go through the experience to understand it. So this conversation is going to be great. Guys, you’re probably going to want a notepad just to make sure you get some notes here. But I have Coach Neil and Coach Mike with me today, and we’re just going to have a conversation. Gentlemen, thanks for being here.
Neil 1:34
Thanks for inviting us as well.
Doug Holt 1:36
So how are you guys feeling?
Neil 1:38
Awesome. Very relaxed and grounded.
Mike 1:44
Yeah. Present. Alive.
Doug Holt 1:48
I love it. So guys, obviously you’ve been coaches. You’ve been leading men for a very long time, coaching with TPM and helping guys go through. And as I was telling you guys—I told the guys last night, I told you guys—there’s, to me, there’d be trepidation stepping into an experience where you’re amongst your peers and men that you’re coaching yourselves, and to go through an experience like the Alpha Reset. If you wouldn’t mind, share with me a little bit about showing up on what we call day zero, right? And the man that sits here now—is there a change or a contrast, or anything you’re willing to share?
Neil 2:31
Go ahead, Mike.
Mike 2:31
Okay, definitely there’s something different. To say I had trepidation is mild. I was very resistant to showing up, because I work for The Powerful Man, and I participated in other things before—as a participant in workshops or different things along, you know, throughout my life. But I was feeling so much resistance to just show up and be a participant, because I’m a coach, and I coach all the time. And so it’s—that’s a hard thing for me to turn off. And I remember you sent me a message and said, “Hey Mike, like just go here and be a participant. We really want you to do that.” And I was like, “Okay, okay, I’ll do that.” But coming in, there was just a part of me that was like, I don’t think I’m really going to do that. The cool thing is, this guy right here—I don’t think he had that so much, because he came in full participant on the jump. And so I’m looking at him like, “Oh, he’s being a full participant, so that means I have to do it too.” So he kind of—leading by example—it pulled that out of me. And then I said, “Okay, I’ll do it. I’m going to do it.” And then I remembered your message to me, so I said, “Okay, I’ll just trust it and I’ll do it.”
Doug Holt 3:50
Good for you. Neil, how about you?
Neil 3:53
Well, first, thank you for—you know, if that’s what it took for you to move—then never mind. You know, this work is my joy. It’s my zone of genius, I believe. And I have a gift that I want to give away. And my passion is to—you know, like you said, eat your own cookies. My favorite expression. It’s like, I gotta show up like I mean it. Otherwise you’re—you know, to me, it’s a fraud. It’s like, I got to do this work. So I dove right in, because I’m excited. I just love this work. So I was already in. And like—you sent me a message in our conversation in the car the other day—just a reminder of, like, taking my hat off. I’m not going to be the coach. I’m just going to be the participant, because I wanted to see where I could go. And you know that conversation we have in our heads, right? I still have those conversations, but I’m like, “And what are people gonna think?” And I suppose, “Well, these guys thinking I might…” You know, I’m just gonna let that go. I gotta—you know, because I want to be the permission for the men. Just to me, it’s everything. And what a result. Man, what an experience. It’s like—I’ve had many experiences like this, and it’s like—it’s right in that same line. You know, so beautiful. I just feel—so compared to where—I’ve shed some layers, man. I feel it. Feel lighter. Feel powerful. Now I’m excited to go back, because it’s only going to support my work. When I go back to my TAM group and say, “Hey guys, this is what I—you know, I learned about me,” and I think when we do that, especially—and you know, they’re curious—of course, I want to create that curiosity that really gets them to be enrolled in, “If he’s doing it, he’s done it, then I want to do it,” because eventually we create that beautiful relationship over time. And to me, it works.
Doug Holt 5:55
Yeah, I was talking to Eric, who was one of the volunteers here, and he was talking about—he’s like, I stumbled across The Powerful Man. I thought, this is kind of hokey, right? And I think I would think that too. Listening to, wait, three days, people are transforming? Come on. What are you trying to sell me here? That kind of an idea. But what I love is—I mean, the reason I show up on day three is obvious. I love meeting the guys when they walk in the door, and the men that I get to meet on the other side of this experience is absolutely profound, you know, the change. And I think I would have thought that, but I love the hope that gets put out in the world of like, “Hey guys, there is another layer you can peel back in—and boy, does it feel good.”
Mike 6:39
Oh, there’s always another layer, yep. And so even when I came in here—and see, I came in feeling like I’m powerful, and I am free, and I’m fully expressed. Like, I just—I’m already that way. But I also did know that there is always another layer. So I just said, “Okay, well, I’m just gonna go for the next layer of me.” The result I want to tell you is, is when I was done, I FaceTimed my wife, right? And so I FaceTimed my wife, and I was talking to her, and she was just smiling ear to ear, and she was like—she just kept saying, “Wow, you look different.” She’s like, “You look different.” And she was like, “You’re so handsome.” Beforehand—like, kept saying, “It’s like he looks so different.” She’s just smiling ear to ear. She’s like, “I like this Mike.” So to me, that is the result. When I saw her face looking at me and talking to me the way she was talking to me, I was present to how I was different right then and there. I mean, I was still me, but it’s like I was more of me. Yes, it’s like that layer thing. And I know—and I just know this for myself—as long as I’m alive and breathing, there’s always going to be another layer, and another layer, another layer, another layer. And so I’m good with that. And so it just felt good. It just felt good.
Doug Holt
Man, I love that. It’s a fun ride, right?
Mike
Thank you.
Doug Holt
Man, yes. Thank you for creating this and for challenging me and saying that to me—to be a full participant. Because man, if I didn’t do that, I would have missed something. And I don’t—I can honestly, God, say I did not miss anything. I got everything.
Doug Holt 8:36
I love that. There was a gentleman I was talking to in the main house a moment ago, and he said, “Look at this text I got from my wife.” He said, “Keep in mind, I FaceTimed her,” and he’s got a number of kids, and he’s like, “I only talked to her for 20 seconds because the kids grabbed the phone and they want to see me.” And the text message he got was, “I love the way you looked at me.” Like, she could feel him in that 20 seconds—that he had shifted, right? And that’s the power of like—man, I’ll go back. And this guy said something similar to me, but I remember when Aaron, my wife, told me—said, “I don’t feel safe with you.” I thought, well, what the—I’ve told this story 100 times—but what the heck you talking about? “You don’t feel safe?” I’ve never hit you, never pushed you, I don’t yell at you, I’m physically fit, I can protect you. At the time, I was doing jiu-jitsu and boxing, so I thought I was, you know, a very safe man to be around. That’s when I first learned the idea of emotional safety, and how women can really feel our energy so much more, and the feminine can feel when the masculine shows up. And when the masculine doesn’t show up safely, that creates a void for them. Totally. And that’s why suddenly they make—they start thinking that we look good, you know? You show up that way.
Neil 9:55
Energy is everything, isn’t it? Energy is everything. I had a FaceTime call with my son this morning, and I had this story that, “Where are you, Dad? Why didn’t you—why—where have you been?” It wasn’t that at all. The calm I saw in him, I was like, wow. He’s a boisterous kid, and he’s got to go off to school, but it’s like, “Hey Dad, I’ve only got a couple of minutes. I’ve got some homework to finish.” But it was just this sereneness about him, which was unusual, but it was like, “Hey.” And he goes, “Where are you? Is it snowing?” you know? And I’m like, “No, it has been.” And I just showed him. And he’s like, “Oh, that’s amazing.” But it was just like—beautiful. Before that, it was kind of frenetic. But I’m like, okay, how am I showing up? You know, the energy exchange. And that’s, you know, what you good gentlemen are talking about. It’s like, energy is everything. I come off that call just feeling like—looking forward to seeing my boy later. Can’t wait to see him and give him a big hug. And it’s like—but it was just everything. Like you said, “You’re a handsome man.”
Mike 10:49
Thank you. You’re a handsome man too. You know, another thing I want to say, Doug, about my kids. So, you know, you asked me to come do this. I said, “Oh man, I don’t know, man.” Like, because I don’t like leaving my kids, man. And so I was like, “Oh man.” But then my wife was like, “Go do that.” My wife’s a coach too, so she’s like, “You need to go do that.” So I was like, “Okay, okay, okay.” And so we kind of worked that out quick. I got back, I said, “Okay, I’m gonna do it.” Well, it didn’t hit me until I went to the airport to come here, right? Because I was gonna be here for like, five days. So when I went to the airport and I sat down, and I was sitting there, and I was on a coaching call, actually—I was on a coaching call with the guys—and I was just like, man, it impacted me. And I was like, I realized I hadn’t been away from my kids—and my kids are nine and ten years old—for more than a day since they’ve been alive.
Wow. And so I was like, “Oh my God, I’m gonna be away from them.” I was ready to go home. I was like, “I’m not doing this.” I said, “I can’t do this.” Like, that’s five days—that’s like five months. And I know it felt that way for them. I knew it was going to feel that way, because I’m there. I put them to bed every day, I play with them, I’m with them, right? Now, the cool thing about this, Doug, is that that came out in the workshop for me. I felt like—because at some point I realized when I was growing up with my dad, he wasn’t there. But not only was he not there, like, he would be in the room—but he wasn’t there. When he was in the room, sitting right there, right in front of me, watching the news, reading the newspaper. And then at some point, he did leave. Like a moment—I was about eight or nine—he left. And then we hardly were ever together, right? And so—and that’s kind of what I got. And I know this about this work. Like, I overcompensated with my kids. Like, I can never not leave them alone, because I was just like, wow, how could I—ten years—and not, like, I think they spent a night at their grandmother’s house one time, you know, but like, five days? I was like, how could I go five—how could I go ten years and not have like, two or three days that I wasn’t around them?
That’s your self, right? That would seem normal, right? But then that—it just occurred to me that I’ve extremely been with them. Extremely.
Doug Holt 13:26
Well, that story is a protective, loving father. You’re like, I’m not gonna let this happen on my watch.
Mike 13:31
Right, right, right. I’m never gonna let them feel alone. And believe me, man, they felt it, because when I got on—I got on the phone with them today—and they were like, “Daddy! Daddy!” And they were like, “When are you coming home? I want you to come home right now.”
Neil 13:45
And how do you feel about that now you’re on the other side of it? How do you feel?
Mike 13:49
Yeah, I’m glad you said that. So then I realized I need to do this. It is for them. It’s for me, but it’s for them, and it’s for my wife. So it’s for me, but they are going to benefit from it. I’m very clear on that. And I kind of—I already knew that from having done things before, but man, that just—I just wanted to share that.
Doug Holt 13:49
Yeah. I mean, sometimes it’s remembering, right? Like, you guys both have done so much work, as you peel back the layers. And you know, none of us are perfect—at least I don’t. At least I’m not. And it’s that remembering of like, hey, we’ve all done a lot of work, and sometimes those lessons—we gotta relearn a different way, or get those patterns back. But kudos to you, because as you said, you know your kids—you’re filling yourself up. You’re coming back a better husband, a better father, a better man, and you’re showing your children the fact that, hey, even Dad goes and betters himself. So that gives them permission to go better themselves in whatever manner that they feel is necessary.
Mike 14:54
You know, I’m glad you said that, Doug, because I didn’t even tell them that. I’m gonna say that to them. I didn’t tell them—I mean, I think I told—but I didn’t tell them that that way. But I’m going to say that to them just like that. So thank you for giving me that.
Doug Holt 15:08
Sure, absolutely. It’s an amazing experience. I think it’s so great that our coaches—I always talk about for TPM, you’d be surprised at how difficult it is to find really world-class coaches, like you guys, who are willing to jump two feet in. And something that I think you guys would notice—and you guys have both led groups at various organizations—and in my experience, it can be very ego-led, where you have one coach who’s the domineering coach and doesn’t want anybody talking, and “I have all the insights. I’m the guru,” right? And my experience has been just the opposite with all the coaches I’ve worked with at TPM. It’s kind of more of a collaborative, like, well, if you see something, please say something, because I can’t see the whole room. I’m all about that. We’re all here for the end result, which is the men that are here. Like, at the end of the day, it’s not ego-led. It’s whatever we need to do to help these men get across the line—as we call it—we’ll do it.
Neil 16:11
Where’s the focus, you know, when you’re on that? And I’m all about team. My whole life—it’s like team, to me, is where the gold is at. Because if you think about every single man that’s in that room, or every coach, has a different perspective. The gold in that room is like—wow—yes. It’s like, one plus one equals five.
Doug Holt 16:31
It really is. And different personalities, right? We all have different backgrounds, different stories—more common than not, in my experience, people are just alike—but those little subtle differences…
Neil 16:42
It changes the aspect. One coach can land with a client or participant in something, or it might not land with another. So it’s like having that, like, you know—a good cop, bad cop type experience, right? To really bring that essence of elevation. And, you know, if the story is that you’ve got to run the show, it’s like, where is your heart, really?
Doug Holt 17:08
Yeah. No, it’s exactly what it is. And why are you really doing these things? You know, if any man listening to this thinks that we’re invaluable, then they’re in for a surprise, right? Coming through—since you guys, coming into this, did you know anything about what was going to take place without saying?
Neil 17:30
Not at all, no.
Mike 17:31
And I’m glad I didn’t. That’s—glad.
Doug Holt 17:34
We’ve—for eight years—we’ve never asked anybody not to say anything. The men that go through this process have chosen, because they want other men to have that exact experience that you guys had.
Mike 17:46
Because steal something from them.
Doug Holt 17:48
It does. 100%.
Neil 17:49
Yeah, and it creates that ego conversation. They have preconceived notions, and it’s like—they talk themselves out of it if they know what’s going on.
Doug Holt 18:02
Yeah, it just gives them more excuses. And the men that—in my experience—if someone, if I were to share something with somebody else, I would be doing it for my own egotistical reasons. “But I know something. Let me show you my power of sharing something with you, therefore I have more worth.”
Neil 18:19
My other coaching programs were exactly the same. It’s like the people, “Well, what’s going on?” I said, “Well, I can share some mechanics, but not the actual experience. I can share how it felt for me, but not the, you know, the certain parts of it that I can do.” Like, you’d be in dyads or whatever—one of my other programs—but nothing else more than that, because—
Doug Holt 18:41
Hey guys, I wanted to interrupt this episode because it’s dawned on me that many of you guys aren’t aware that we actually have a book on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Now, thousands of men have read it, and they’ve reviewed it, and I want to give you the opportunity to do the same if you’re interested in grabbing it. It’s a short read, but it’s helped a lot of men just like you. And maybe you’re not interested in The Activation Method yet, but this is a small entry point that can really turn things around for you. Go over to Amazon—we have it priced as cheap as Amazon will let us—and that way, you have a resource that you can use right now to start getting some results in your marriage. Now let’s get back to the episode.
Neil 19:17
You can’t really explain it. You can’t. It’s not about a mechanical experience. It’s an emotional, like, powerful experience. Like the heart just gets so big, and you’re just like—you can’t really… “Well, what does that mean?” It’s like, you know what I mean on the other side of it, and there’s no words that are said. I look at that person, and they just look at me, and they’re just like—I go, “I know.” It’s beautiful.
Doug Holt 19:43
Oh, it did. I mean, that’s why I have so many… In fact, we had one guy who I talked to the other day who knew another participant. He’s like, “I cannot wait to talk to him when he’s up through this.” In our packs—we put men, for the guys listening—we’ll put men, depending on the program, in a small group together, right? And so this group, I think, had five or six men. And he said, “Gosh, we’ve been waiting for this guy to go through this process.” He was supposed to go in December, and everybody was happy for him. Then he had a catastrophe, unfortunately, a natural catastrophe. And then here he is, and the guys are just clamoring, because they know what’s possible on the other side. So good, isn’t it? It’s a beautiful experience when you see these guys rallying around each other. And like you were saying—it was like—you’ll know, these men have a bond for life.
Neil 20:28
That’s right. That’s correct. And we have that with them. We have that with them. And they’re coaches. We are human beings.
Mike 20:35
That’s the thing. At some point, I told you—I had that resistance—and that resistance went away at some point. And then I was not even thinking like, “I’m a coach and you’re this.” That went away. And there’s like—I’m just with all these guys, and we’re together. And then we were all connected. And I realized, wow, we’re connected forever. Like, I would be connected with that group of guys forever in a deep and profound way.
Doug Holt 21:02
The more you’re talking about it, the more I’m regretting not coaching or leading this one. It’s just such a wonderful experience, man, on both sides of the table, right? It’s such a beautiful thing.
Neil 21:13
In 15 years I’ve been doing this work, it is absolutely top, top drawer. Anybody that’s watching this show, just like—I’ve seen it all. And I know the great, you know, programs out there—and this is it. It’s a great show. It’s a great program to, you know, dive in and change your life in three days of intensive work. That’s the magic, man. It’s like—I honor you for taking this on and creating this experience. I’m just so joyful to be part of it.
Doug Holt 21:48
Yeah. I mean, this is—I think this is my… I’m here. This is my time.
Neil 21:53
Energy is like…
Doug Holt 21:55
It’s absolutely amazing. I’m gonna switch gears a little bit. I’m gonna put you guys into coaching mode, if I can, but stay in the same energy, obviously, coming through there. As coaches of The Activation Method—as you guys come through there—what are, when guys walk in on their onboarding, on their day one, what would you say are one or two of the biggest issues they think that they have?
Mike 22:21
I’ll go. So I think one of the biggest issues I think they have is that their wife is the problem. That is the number one biggest issue that they have. It’s her. And that’s a challenge in shifting that energy in them to say, “Hey, she’s not the problem. She’s actually the solution. Go look in the mirror. That’s where the problem is.”
Doug Holt 22:44
So—and that’s exactly it. Guys will jokingly—I’ll just say this publicly—jokingly say, “Hey, this is kind of a bait and switch. I came in here to help you—to tell me what my wife needs to do. And then I figured out, oh, wow, it’s me.” You know, that idea. And I think a lot of men don’t understand—I’m trying to think—thinking back to what I’ll call Doug 1.0, if I would have understood this: that me changing my behavior and the way that I lead my energy would allow my wife to shift the way that she behaves and her energy, and I could lead her in that direction. That would be a—that’d be an odd concept, I think, for me back then, with that paradigm. But it is so true that when we have the men come through the program, really what we’re giving them are tools with which to lead their lives and their families. And when they step into that, then they become emotionally safe, yes. And now their wife, all of a sudden, can open up and let down her guard and explore her femininity.
Neil 23:42
Totally. I think one of the things—the word I keep hearing is “frustrated” because they couldn’t figure out why they couldn’t communicate. I say it’s because we were never taught how to communicate. And that was every time—the word “frustration,” “I’m frustrated,” “I don’t know why,” “I don’t know how,” “Why is this not working?” And so it was—it was not so much blaming the wife or “it’s her fault” or whatever, but it was just this, like, “I’m just—I feel like I’m going around in circles,” the revolving door of life, right? It’s like, okay, I keep getting a feather, feather, rock, truck, as I call it. How many more times do they want to until I decide to do something? “Why is this not working? I’ve done it again.” That’s what I get.
Doug Holt 24:30
Yeah, a lot. That’s a good point. I can remember again—I’m thinking back, we all do—relating it to my previous experiences. I felt like banging my head against the wall, right? Coming in there going, “Gosh, it turns into another argument.” And then you state your case. Here’s the logic of why I’m right. Let me put it on the table. “This is why I’m right and you’re wrong.” And for some reason, that didn’t work out for me, Neil. I just don’t know sure why. But completely—I was completely frustrated too back then.
Neil 25:00
Yeah. And I think as we go through that first call and really just dive into these men’s hearts, and the light going on when they realize it—and as they step through the process, it’s like, “Oh.” You know, it’s like you said, it’s like, “Oh, I’m looking in the mirror, not at my wife.” And within the first two, three weeks—magic. It’s amazing. It’s not that difficult.
Doug Holt 25:30
No. Like a lot of things, right? If you don’t have the skills—like, there are things that I’m really good at that I think are super easy because I’ve become very good at them, right? And so I think with the guys—it’s called The Activation Method for a reason. There’s a methodology, and you need these new tools. When you have the new tools and know how to implement them, then it becomes easy.
Neil 25:52
There’s a lot of theory around that, where somebody tries something once—”Oh, it didn’t work.” You did it once? Like, let’s go back to when you—what are you really good at? How long did it take you? “Oh, a few years.” Oh, okay.
Mike 26:09
Yeah. Like, you did one push-up. You did one push-up one day. It’s not gonna work.
Doug Holt 26:16
Yeah. I love that. I always—what I tell the guys, like, “Do you have kids?” Like, okay. When your kid was first learning to walk and they fell down, did you just give up on him? Like, “No, he’s not gonna walk,” or “she’s not gonna walk”? Let’s call it what it is. Just keep trying and trying, and get it and find your own groove. Some guys get it like this, right? Some guys just—they, “Oh, that’s the form, I see it now, I’ll go change it.” And some guys take longer. They do, right? They’re on their journey. But as long as they stick to it, they get there.
Neil 26:45
And we’re all—and I think as well, even when you’re in a group setting—there’s that, there’s what I love about, you know, group settings with men, anybody in all my career, is like—you did with me right there—is that I’m inspired. And they come to the core. Maybe they might be behind, you know? They just will learn something at different speeds. But they see something, and that motivates them to say, “Oh, if he can do it, I can do it.” That’s what I love about group settings.
Doug Holt 27:21
Yeah. And then the intimacy of the groups. Like, a lot of people don’t know that we do—when the groups—we keep them tight and really small. You know, it’s so funny, because we work with so many business owners. I’ll hear it from the guys—like the event you guys just went through—it’s a very small group. And from a business standpoint, it’s like, “Doug, well, you could do this to an arena,” but you’d lose the magic. Absolutely. I can guarantee—I can guarantee the results based on a specific number of men coming through here. We’ve never missed it once in all these years. But that’s the magic, and that’s what’s worth it.
Neil 27:54
Intimacy, right? I mean, I’ve done Tony Robbins’ work. I love Tony, you know, he’s inspired me to be who I am today—8,600 people in an audience. And I felt it was great. But I did it alone, even though I was with 8,600 people, yes. And then I went into this type of work, and it was 50. The most was 100. But there I was like, that’s a massive change. And then you went into small groups, and the bond—bond—that men get, it’s like, wow, this is beautiful. I love this. And all the feedback I get is, “I love this group of men. This is why I love coming back. This is why I want to be on this course.” Like, “I wouldn’t be here without you guys.” That’s what I hear all the time.
Doug Holt 28:36
Well, you know, everybody thinks I’m crazy when I say that. People walk into one of our events, and I say, “You’re gonna know the men here probably better than you know anybody in your life,” or vice versa. Like, you’re gonna have guys who are in your corner with no skin in the game other than your best interest. We’re gonna call you forward or call you out when it needs to happen. And we all need that, right? We all need that kick in the butt or someone pulling us up when we’re down.
Neil 29:01
Rising tide lifts all boats, doesn’t it?
Doug Holt 29:03
It does. Truly does. And it inspires—like calling each other forward and vice versa. I’m sure there’s other times when you were sharing things that Neil was getting stuff out of it, and all the men that were there.
Neil 29:15
Yeah. Every single—the hot seat channel—you’re sitting there and a person is speaking. I’m like—and I always ask them when I do my groups—it’s like, “Who else feels this?” And they all raise their hands. It’s like, every time.
Doug Holt 29:27
Yeah. Well, I swear we’re more alike than we’re different. Just—you know, the guys—I always picture myself when we’re having these conversations of like that third or fourth seat, in this instance, listening and remembering myself running, going for a run with my earbuds and listening to podcasts or whatever I was doing. And I just want the guys to know that they’re not alone, and their situation, although it feels unique to them, is probably more common. And someone’s figured out a solution for it and helped them get to the other side. And the other side feels pretty darn good.
Mike 30:03
Absolutely.
Neil 30:04
And I think as well with that is the empathy. And that—just to be—like our wives want to be seen and heard, so do we.
Doug Holt 30:20
Yes.
Neil 30:20
And that—just validation of that—is like, “You matter.” And that’s like—that’s gold, right?
Doug Holt 30:20
Yeah. What’s really interesting is we’ve now just recently opened our doors to non-business owners. And that’s a separate group that we’re working with. So we keep the groups separate, but you’re also with people with commonality, right? So as the business guys, as an example, they’re now talking to other business owners. So they understand the trepidation of making payroll, you know. You don’t clock off at 5 o’clock, your brain never turns off, and things of that nature. And on the other side, the non-business owner, you have a whole other set of things going on, right? So you get that commonality of like, “Hey, these people get my day-to-day and what’s happening,” and we can talk about that too. I was—hmm—I was just in the house where the conversation went from—literally, it was the gentleman showing me the text from his wife—went right to business. And we’re talking about a business situation, and just having that situational awareness and that conversation. And TPM started off working with business situations, first and foremost, and helping men. You know, we have two entry points, as you guys know. One—the relationship angle. One—for men who just kind of feel stuck, who are stagnant in life and want that little kick.
Neil 31:29
Kick. The one thing that’s for sure is, like, wherever you go, there you are. That expression—it’s like, you’re with you. It’s like—whether—you know—how you do one thing, you do everything, as my wife tells me a lot. It’s like, “Where’d you get that from?”
Doug Holt 31:47
Yeah, it totally—it reminds me of a story. When I was coaching at an Alpha Reset in Wales—I was leading one there—and there was a gentleman from Texas, that’s all I’ll say. This was many years ago. And he traveled. He left one company and went to another company. He was telling me about this town. “Oh, this town’s amazing. It’s in Colorado, Doug, you really should check it out.” And then it switched. “But it’s horrible there—the people this…” It was really interesting. And then he’d go on and go, “And then I moved to this other town, you know, in Texas, and, you know, the people there were this, that, and the other, but the scenery was beautiful. You really should go.” So he went through about five of these places. And now you gotta imagine, there’s 12 other men listening to this conversation too. And on one side, he’s describing how amazing each of these places are, and then he flips to how horrible it is, right? And that’s why he moved. And then I asked him, I said, “What’s the one commonality in all those places?” He couldn’t get it. And all the other guys got it, right? And so he started to get mad at me—literally—until a lightbulb moment happened, and he went, “Oh my gosh, it’s been me the whole time.” And imagine if he wouldn’t have figured that out, though—going from place to place the rest of his life, everything external of him is the problem. And this phenomenal man, by the way—that lightbulb moment for him that he got, just in that realization—that one little tweak allowed him to completely switch careers and where he lives.
Neil 33:19
That was—and he wasn’t ready to hear it until he was ready to hear it, right?
Doug Holt 33:21
100%. Always is.
Neil 33:23
And 25 years ago is the reason I got into this work—for that very same story. I’m the common theme in all my relationships. Something’s got to shift. And then I just dived into the work, and I was like—I knew exactly where I was when it happened.
Doug Holt 33:39
Me too. Me too. Somewhere different. I got into this type of work—I was coaching before—but I realized I was on the point where—you guys met my wife, who I love dearly—but I was on the point where I was ready to leave. And I was like, I was convinced at how messed up she was and all that good stuff. But I was in San Diego, California, and I was running on the beach, and that’s when it really dawned. I remember the exact conversation, but paraphrasing it in my head, I realized that, hey, I’m just going to take this—whatever this is—into the next relationship. Because why did I leave the previous relationship? And I left the one before that, and I left the one before that. Why am I always leaving, and why are they not working out?
Mike 34:24
What’s the common theme?
Doug Holt 34:25
Yeah, exactly. The guy running on the beach, right? It was very powerful for me.
Neil 34:32
Courage to step into that.
Doug Holt 34:35
And just—you know—I asked myself the question: have I been the best husband I could possibly be for 30 days? Small window of time, really, right? And I was like—it wasn’t even a second—the answer comes back right away: no. That’s a problem. If I can’t be that guy for 30 days, how can I expect her to do this laundry list of things that I think she should be doing?
Neil 34:56
Yeah. Becomes the transactional relationship rather than the embodied relationship.
Doug Holt 35:03
100%.
“Hey, I’ll be a better man once you start having more sex with me, cleaning the house, cooking me dinner, running the business…”
The formulas and stories we create, right? “Once you do that, then I’ll be better.”
Neil 35:18
Exhausting.
Doug Holt 35:19
It is exhausting. It really is.
Well, guys, I just want to thank you guys for showing up here and showing up the way that you showed up. I obviously wasn’t at the event itself, but I can tell—I see two different yet still powerful men sitting before me—and I just, I honor your courage. I honor all the things that you bring to the table, guys, and the work that you do with TPM, but just the work that you’ve chosen to do to help people, right? You’ve dedicated your lives to helping people, and now helping men—the men that are listening to this—and I think listening to us on the other side of this conversation, in other words, the guys listening to this right now, knowing that my coach was willing to do the work—right? That’s leadership to the highest level. I mean, there’s no one that’s going to doubt, like, you guys are doing it.
So thank you both for all that you do, brother.
Mike 36:13
I fully receive that, and also I want to bless you for creating this space—you and Tim—for creating this space for men to be able to do their work and become more themselves. That is awesome. So I bless you for that, brother.
Doug Holt 36:34
Thank you. That means a lot to me. Thank you.
Neil 36:36
Thank you, Doug. Yes, it was an honor to be here in this work. There’s nothing more magical than this. Just seeing, you know, heart to heart, men to men—you know, women to women—and the relationships we create. This is why we’re here. Life is about relationship.
And I’m all in. Every day.
Let’s go. Let’s grow, as I like to say.
Doug Holt 36:57
Yeah, let’s grow. I like that.
I mean, it’s crazy—not too long ago, maybe seven, eight years—it was Tim, myself, and one other person. Because today it’s like 36 people or so.
Mike 37:10
And you just had a piece of paper and you wrote.
Doug Holt 37:12
We’ve done a lot. A lot.
Lots of—you got a guy on the West Coast of the United States, a guy in the UK—and somehow we connected.
Best of friends. He’s a brother I just never knew I had. Still is today.
Neil 37:24
Just look at that. Look at the growth. Look at that expansion. And where it’s going. Yes. Beautiful vision.
Doug Holt 37:31
Thank you. Yes, yes, that’s awesome.
Well, gentlemen, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. And guys, look—these are two leaders, and they’re stepping in to their greatness, and I’m gonna invite you guys to step forward, as I always do. Now, it doesn’t have to be with TPM. You know, we happen to think this is the best, or we’d be doing something else, quite honestly, as I always say—and that’s true.
But just like these two men coming through and just taking the challenge, despite fear, right? Despite trepidation, their families, or anything else that’s coming up for them—that’s called courage, guys. That’s why we celebrate heroes. We celebrate firemen. Why do we celebrate firemen? Because they run into the burning building even though they’re scared, right? Even though there’s fear there. That is the definition of courage.
So whatever you’re going through, whatever place you find yourself—if you’re listening to this, you’re listening to it for a reason—and I invite you just to take a chance. Get on a call with one of our advisors. And look, if TPM is not for you, find something else. Find something else that’s going to allow you to grow and pay.
You never know—Neil and Mike, they might be your coach with TPM. And if that—that’s gonna be pretty cool, because they’re great guys, and they can share their stories, their battle wounds with you guys, and make your journey a little shorter.
Gentlemen, have an amazing day. Take massive action. We’ll see you next time on the The Powerful Man Show.
