Episode #850
In this episode, Doug and Brad delve into the often overlooked but critical issue of invalidation within marriages. They explore how invalidating your wife’s feelings, whether intentionally or unintentionally, can create deep wounds and erode the foundation of your relationship.
Invalidation can take many forms – from dismissing your wife’s emotions, minimizing her experiences, or failing to acknowledge her perspective. These actions, although sometimes subtle, can have devastating effects, leading to feelings of isolation, resentment, and a lack of trust.
Listeners will learn effective strategies for creating a safe and supportive environment where your wife feels heard, respected, and valued. By fostering emotional safety, you can strengthen your bond, increase intimacy, and build a more resilient and loving marriage.
Tune in to discover the steps you can take to stop invalidating your wife, start validating her experiences, and transform your relationship for the better. Don’t miss this insightful and transformative discussion on building a safe space for your wife.
Hungry for more?
Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
Also listen on:
Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
and validation allows the other person to understand. Okay, they actually get me they’re not just hearing the words, but they’re hearing the intent.
Brad Holt 0:09
Yep. And so if they’re validating, that’s great. That helps them get into a safe place. Now invalidation is when a lot of men try to do things from a loving place but are accidentally invalidated by their comments.
Doug Holt 0:37
Guys, we all know the importance of validation making someone feel seen and heard. But do you know about invalidation and what it might be costing your relationships? Well, today at the TPM show, it’s exactly what we’re going to break down. So please stick around and stay to the end because we’re gonna give you some tips on how you can make sure that you aren’t invalidating the people that you love. Today, we have special guests, Brad Holt, my brother, and also the CEO of TPM. Brad, thanks for being here.
Brad Holt 1:03
It’s great being here. It was a fascinating topic because validation itself is so so important. And as men or just as individuals, learning not to be so self-focused is tough. And we learned how to validate others. But now there’s the whole topic of invalidation. And a lot of the men that I coach are now going to Oh, no, I have accidentally invalidated my wife.
Doug Holt 1:26
Yeah, it’s really interesting. I think what we want to do here, first of all, Brad, let’s break down what invalidation is, when we will start by just explaining to some of the guys first just give them a definition, of what validation is. So they can, and we can all be on the same page. And we can talk about the opposite validation, right? Something that we teach all the time. And a lot of guys, that’s their starting point, right? They, we all know that a woman needs to feel emotionally safe. But she also needs to feel seen and heard, right? You can’t have desire until she feels seen and heard. We teach a special type of validation, which we call The Hidden Motives Technique to our men. And guys, if you’re listening to this in the podcast, or watching this on YouTube, you can go back, we’ve done a ton of episodes on The Hidden Motives Technique, it’s all there for you over 850 episodes, I think now. And validation allows the other person to understand, okay, they actually get me they’re not just hearing the words, but they’re hearing the intent.
Brad Holt 2:21
Yep. What I like to say is that there’s the data, the words, and then there’s the emotions. And really, regardless of what they say, I accept it, and I don’t try to go into defending what they’re against, I don’t try to explain I don’t make excuses. I don’t react to it, which we call DEER mode, which most men go into, like, Hey, let me do logic-based. And so if they’re validating, that’s great. That helps them get into a safe place. Now invalidation is when a lot of men try to do things from a loving place but are accidentally invalidated by their comments. And one example would be, if my wife says, I’m feeling, feeling fat, I love my wife, I think my wife is beautiful. I would say, oh, you know, you don’t look fat, you look great. Now, I really think as a guy that I’m doing a great thing, what a nice compliment. I’m being really good. But in essence, I’ve stayed on the data level and didn’t hear her emotions. And instead, I’ve just invalidated her comment
Doug Holt 3:30
on the flip side of that, because what you’re saying is she’s coming to you, and she’s just sharing. She’s just sharing something that’s not necessarily factual. It’s how she’s feeling in that moment. And you’re, you’re trying to be the nice guy, and say, Oh, no, and reassure her that everything’s okay that she’s beautiful, etc. But you’re missing the actual deep undertone of what’s really going on.
Brad Holt 3:52
Yeah, and I don’t think I really got this in prob about five, maybe seven years ago, I was talking with my daughter, and my wife and my wife’s friends about invalidation. And what I discovered, and you just saw all the women go, yes. Men do this all the time. And I’m gonna like, oh, my gosh, this is a really big deal. We’ve been accidentally trying to prop them up and encourage them. And actually, by doing it, we’ve actually invalidated all their emotions. So let
Doug Holt 4:22
I give the flip side to this counterpoint that I teach the guys sometimes too. And you can do this in negotiations. Nobody can argue your feelings, right? Because they can’t feel into them. If you as a man are leading with, well, here’s how I feel. I feel. I don’t feel safe in this environment. I don’t feel safe with you going out with another man to dinner or whatever it may be. They can’t argue with the way that you feel about it. Conversely, when your example when your wife is sharing with you, hey, I feel that I’m fat. She’s not saying I am fat. She’s just saying I feel a little bloated today or what have you feel? She just wants to talk about what Healing is and what the undercurrent is occurring for. Yeah.
Brad Holt 5:02
And I think men, we do this all the time. And that’s why all these women were nodding like, they’re so used to men invalidating them. They just don’t say anything. Yeah, it’s kind of like, and so when I was commenting I see this just, I want to say heard by a group of women just nodding like, Yeah, that’s true. I go, Oh, crap, we do this more than I thought we did.
Doug Holt 5:24
Let’s give a couple more examples for the guys to understand. When this could happen, what are some other ways that men invalidate their partners or other people in their lives, it
Brad Holt 5:33
could be also just their political views. That could be how they raise children, it could be just coming home from work talking about, you know, something, we want to go and solve things. And we, by trying to explain or encourage them, sometimes invalidate those,
Doug Holt 5:49
a real common one, Brad that I hear from the guys, the scenario set the scene for it, is, you know, their wife has become maybe a stay-at-home mother, or she’s in a transitionary period in her life. And because of that, she can feel stuck, not sure what to do. Maybe the kids are a little bit older, they don’t need mom all the time. And she doesn’t know what that next transition is. So if she says, Yeah, I’m just not sure what I’m going to do now that the kids don’t need me anymore. What guys will do what I could do, and I’ve seen a lot of guys do this, is they go right into problem-solving mode, right? Let me solve the problem for you or with you. Rather than saying, Gosh, that’s, that’s got to be really tough to not know what your next move is. I’d imagine. You know, that’s got to feel a little lonely, a little sad, a little scary to some degree.
Brad Holt 6:38
Yep. And we’ve been doing it so long the wall they’ve built is they don’t share. And the eye-opening for the men that I’m working with is like, oh, my gosh, I have been invalidating her comments for 20 years. No wonder she’s upset with me and doesn’t trust me. Even though they’re using the validation, they’re using The Hidden Motives Technique, they’re really showing up, they still, in a way, try to solve the problem by encouraging them and propping them up and telling them how great they are when maybe they aren’t doing great. Yeah.
Doug Holt 7:10
Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt this episode. But the reality is if you are watching or listening to this right now, then you are looking to better yourself, and I applaud you, you’re one of my people. And I want to give you the opportunity to take massive action. So if you haven’t joined The Activation Method, yet, it’s our flagship program, do what 1000s of other businessmen just like you have done and take action. Be one of the one percenters that actually does the work and takes action, there’ll be a link in the description that will take you right to a page, they’ll just give you more information, there is no obligation, just go check it out and see if it’s a good fit for you. Alright, let’s get back to this episode. And you don’t only do this with your wife, you can do this with your kids, with your co-workers, your employees, your staff, or anybody. But in particular, to your point, guys that have daughters, you know, you and I have daughters. So you know, that’s a great place to practice using this technique and checking yourself on the invalidation.
Brad Holt 8:13
I’m a pretty positive guy. And so sometimes if someone’s been depressed or in a funk, they’ve been so not clinically depressed, but in a funk, just hey, you know, throw positivity, even my positive attitude, even without the words I say, can really express invalidation to another person. And or worse would be if I tried to give them advice, unsolicited advice on hey, here’s how you can be better. Just have a great attitude.
Doug Holt 8:39
No one ever does that. Right? Yeah. Yeah, I think this is a really good gym. And again, it’s like that, that little tweak that everybody gets to do. And I think when you mentioned this before we started recording, I instantly started thinking of all the ways that I do this. Constantly. And it’s, it’s a reflex, right? Just to do it, because innately, I want people around me to feel good. And so if someone comes up to me and says, Yeah, I just, I feel fat. That’s a great one. I’m just feeling fat now, or whatever it may be getting to the root cause of that, and really talking about rather than just trying to problem solve. Yeah,
Brad Holt 9:15
I found this sometimes guys, we talked about the five-second rule, just wait five seconds. So I go, Hey, you know, you might say, Hey, I’m feeling really fat. I can’t just be quiet. And then you start to go into why you feel that way and give that space for people to talk more. is great, because for me, when I think of invalidation, how many times I’ve done it with my children, my kids are young adults now, and I never want them to feel bad. So when they run into a problem, I try to lift them up, when I really should have been quiet, listened, and really tried to tune in to the emotional wavelength as opposed to the actual words they were saying. They understand how they feel and make sure they really know that they understand it
Doug Holt 10:01
that makes a lot of sense and a lot of ways. And I saw this actually happen we had just a few days ago, we had 10 Men from their one-on-one clients and a few guys from the inner circle, which is our highest-level mastermind group here at The Ranch. And I saw this a lot. So around the table, we’re having dinner, or we’re just talking, a guy might share something, something that’s going on in his relationship, his business just for him personally, these are all high-performing businessmen. So we talked a lot about business, a guy would share something I thought or an idea. And many other guys would just bite their tongue for a little bit. And then he would go on to further explain what was really going on. So we could get to the crux of the issue of really what was happening to him.
Brad Holt 10:42
And a lot of times the other person doesn’t know, they have a feel feeling come in, and they go out. Yep. But if you actually start to invalidate it, it gets stuck. We cement that in there like now they’re in an awkward position.
Doug Holt 10:54
Yeah, absolutely. So what coming out of this, I imagine a lot of guys, you know, watching this or listening to this are going crap, I do that. What are some ways that men can catch themselves and course correct?
Brad Holt 11:05
Well, there are two things I recommend. One is using that five-second rule I mentioned earlier, really pause gives you time to think, and gives you space to talk more, so you really understand what’s going on. The second thing, be aware of your body language, and your tone of voice when you’re talking with them. Because sometimes we just get so focused on the words, because that’s really sending the bigger message. The third thing is just to really make sure you’re grounded. And so you can tune into that emotional wavelength. So you don’t try to solve the problem and understand that their emotions are real. And when you try to solve it, even from a good place, you can accidentally invalidate someone else’s emotions.
Doug Holt 11:47
But I love that. And then there’s one thing that I think a lot of guys want to do is write practice. So here I am, I’m a husband, and a daughter, my wife, my wife comes up to me, she says, ah, gosh, I just really feel fat today. And I tried on my bathing suit, and I just felt frumpy. And I then go Oh, babe, you look beautiful. Don’t worry about it walk away. But after I walk away, I catch myself going, Oh, that’s an invalidation thing that Brad and Doug were talking about? What do I do, then? I will
Brad Holt 12:19
use open-ended questions. And that’s tough. Why do you feel that way? Or how are you feeling about her? Ask her to give more and let him express it because it could be just biological and psychological. Just let them explain it by using open-ended questions. Okay,
Doug Holt 12:35
I love that. And we’re I’m picking up his guys that already screwed up. How do we go back and clean it up?
Brad Holt 12:43
Quickly, apologize. Hey, you know what I just noticed, you said this. And I really kind of invalidated I actually use that word, I value what you said. And I apologize. You know, I must suck feeling that way. Anyway, I can support you.
Doug Holt 12:56
Perfect. So it’s using the version that The Hidden Motives Technique. Were coming in and doing it. And guys, I don’t think you have to necessarily apologize all the time. But you can just you can just call out the elephant in the room. You know it. She knows it. Right? She knew it before you did. That’s the only case. Come back and clean it up. Give her a hug and talk to her.
Brad Holt 13:15
Yeah, recognize this. Take ownership. Okay, and then move forward. Ask more questions.
Doug Holt 13:21
I love it. This is such a great topic because we’ve never talked about invalidation on the show before. And actually never thought about it this way until you brought it up. So thanks for sharing. Oh, you bet, man. Awesome. Gentlemen, as we always say in the moment of insight, take massive action. Where are you invalidating the people in your life? Once you discover it, go back and clean it up just like Brad was sharing with you. But then also put it in your consciousness and start looking in your daily conversations where invalidation can come up. A lot of times it starts with a complaint, right? I’m feeling fat or whatever else it may be that your wife or people around you are saying, catch it. Use the five-second rule that Brad shared with you, and then go back and validate and you’re gonna see your relationships changing. Guys, thanks for being with us. We’ll see you next time on the TPM show.
