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Episode #1060
In this episode, Doug sits down with his wife Erin for a real, honest conversation about what happens when women feel like they have to carry everything and what shifts when they start softening back into their natural feminine energy. Erin opens up about her journey from being the “Angry Wife” to creating real connection, trust, and intimacy in their relationship.
They talk about the difference between leadership and control, why so many couples get stuck in power struggles, and what actually works to bring the spark back. If you’re constantly walking on eggshells or feeling like roommates, this conversation will hit home.
You’ll hear practical examples of what small changes look like. Things like planning the date night, opening the car door, or even just saying “Come sit with me” can shift the whole dynamic when done from a place of care instead of control. This isn’t about playing outdated roles. It’s about learning to create a relationship where both people feel safe, seen, and connected.
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Transcription
Erin Holt 0:00
A few years ago, I was just like, I’m done being the angry wife. I don’t want to play this role anymore. I don’t want to walk around resentful, bitter, and angry anymore.
Doug Holt 0:06
Femininity is the most powerful thing. It’s absolutely amazing.
Erin Holt 0:11
When you allow yourself to be taken care of and seen like that, the trust deepens.
Doug Holt 0:18
How can two people love each other so much and can’t figure this out?
Erin Holt 0:21
Are you doing it from a place of love and care, or are you literally doing it from a place of manipulation? A happy and whole woman creates a happy, whole, and harmonious home, and raises happy and whole children.
Doug Holt 0:42
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of The TPM Show. And boys, you are going to want to pay attention to this one. In fact, I’m going to invite you to bring the ladies in your life to listen to this one with you. It’s going to spark some conversation, perhaps some debate. We had a clip that went out, as we do, the shorts and clips that go out throughout the internet, and it was a clip of something that my wife shared, who’s not only my beautiful wife but also a coach helping women.
And that sparked a lot of controversy. So we thought we would continue that controversy, or at least bring some light to the darkness. And I think this one is going to be for you fellas, to get more insight into where your woman could be. And also, if you want to bring your partner into this, I think it’s going to give you a bridge of connection. Babe, thanks for being here.
Erin Holt 2:15
Yes. Did you want to tell them what the clip was about? Okay, the clip was about a woman softening into her femininity and being able to be led by a man. I said things like, when the man takes the lead, she can soften into her femininity. I gave examples like, maybe choose an outfit for date night, or invite her in, bring coffee, say, “Come sit next to me,” have a conversation. When he takes the lead, the polarity, the softness, and the energy that can happen between you two, it’s powerful.
And there were lots and lots and lots of comments from both men and women, both praising it and desiring that, and asking how that happens. And then there was also the other side of it, from both men and women. Women saying, “Hell no, I would never, ever want a man to do that, that’s controlling.” And men saying, “That’s great. Find me a woman who’ll let me do that, she’d punch me in the face.”
Basically, “I can’t listen to that. I’m never going to do that because she’s her own person.” And so there was this wide range of comments, it was completely polarizing. And I can only come from my own lived experience. I was that woman ten years ago who was super tomboy, super athletic, wanted to be a boy growing up, thought boys were better than girls. Which translated into a belief system, not one I said out loud, but one that basically believed men were better than women. Which is kind of embarrassing to admit now, because I 1000% don’t believe that anymore.
Looking back, it hardened me up. Yes, I was hyper-independent, very capable and successful, and had all these outward successes. But on the inside, for years, I always felt unsettled, like, “There’s got to be more.” And I was so resistant. I was that woman who, if I had seen myself ten years earlier, I would’ve said, “There’s no way a man will ever be controlling me. No friggin’ way.” And I knew you during that phase, Doug Holt. We were young in our relationship at that point, how long have we been together?
Doug Holt
Fifteen years.
Erin Holt
Fifteen years, so more than enough time for evolution. And I just, with this conversation, I know there are lots of opinions. But I just ask that you have an open heart, an open mind, and a growth mindset around it. Because that was me, I was stuck in my rigid armor, walls around my heart, tough exterior. Which I know now was really a wounded feminine, disconnected from my own femininity and my healthy masculinity.
That prevented me from deepening with you, or with other partners in relationship. It brought up a lot of the common problems that you hear about, and that I hear about: disconnection, constant tension, walking on eggshells, not feeling seen or heard, or truly allowed to be who I am in the relationship. Lots of arguments about things that weren’t really the argument, the trash, for example. Lack of emotional intimacy, lack of physical intimacy.
So that kind of sums up my journey from being disconnected and wounded to understanding that version of me was emotionally young. And so what we thought we’d do today is look at some of the questions and dive into it a little bit.
Doug Holt 5:50
Before we do that, I want to dispel a couple of things. There are two big myths about TPM and what we’re about that I hear often, from the men or from the men’s wives through the men. One, I want the listeners to know, because if wives or women are listening, the guys who either listen to a podcast like this or join a program within TPM absolutely love and respect women.
One hundred percent, or they wouldn’t be doing this work. That’s a misconception. A lot of people hear the name The Powerful Man, and the name itself is polarizing. But it’s not about dominating over someone, it’s about a man finding his own power within. The men who go through our programs love, respect, and cherish women. That’s why they do the hard work, to better themselves for the women they love.
The second thing that’s really important to understand is, the men who join our program don’t marry, or aren’t in relationships with, dumb women. You are an extremely capable, intelligent, powerful woman in your own right, and so are the women the men are in relationships with. I just want to throw that out there, because the guys know they’ve married strong women. Strong, independent women. You’re a very independent woman.
And I think when people hear about a woman’s desire to be led, they assume she must be less than or weaker than. And I think that’s a misconception we get to dispel, 100%.
Erin Holt 7:29
And I used to have that belief as well. When I talk about this now, I think of the tango dance. It’s a beautiful dance to watch, the man leads and the woman follows, and they’re both powerful in their own right. If he doesn’t fully lead, the dance doesn’t work and it doesn’t look good. If she doesn’t follow, same deal. It just doesn’t work. The energy’s off, and people watching can feel it. Nobody’s winning.
So it’s about energy. It’s about trust. It has nothing to do with control. It’s actually the complete opposite of control. It’s love, it’s being able to receive and give, to trust, to be open, to be vulnerable, to create intimacy. It’s absolutely the opposite of control.
I used to hold that belief as a woman that if somebody tried to tell me what to do, my partner, my man, Doug, I would have a visceral reaction, like, “Don’t tell me what to do. I’ll figure it out.” And I would actually have this teenage inner response of, “I’m gonna do the opposite.” It was so young, and just me trying to do my best. And I know I coach women who have this too. It wasn’t until I dove deep into myself, into learning and healing around my femininity, feminine practices, and the differences between men and women, and learned to respect our differences because we’re so different, that I was able to put my armor down.
I’ve shared this before inside TPM with different groups, but one of the things I said a few years ago was, “I’m done being the angry wife. I don’t want to play this role anymore.” And I knew I had a huge part in this. So I asked, “What do I need to heal inside me to be the type of wife I want to be, the type of woman I want to be?”
I didn’t want to walk around resentful, bitter, and angry anymore. I got stuck in that role for a while, and you had your journey too, which I’ll let you talk about. But I got fed up with being fed up with myself. That was the drive for me, to go, “There’s got to be more available here.”
The goal was, I wanted more connection with my husband. Emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy. Literal enjoyment, laughter, play. I wanted access to that part of myself I felt I had lost. And it’s one of the best gifts I’ve given myself, and you, and our family. So that’s really powerful, ladies, if you’re willing and open to look at your role and realize that femininity is actually one of the most powerful things you have.
It’s your superpower. It’s your connection to yourself, your intuition, your internal wisdom. We can sense energy and the unseen. We have deep knowings. We provide so much, in a completely different way than men provide, and that’s perfect. Once you learn how to step into that and own it, what it opens up in yourself, your life, your marriage, your parenting, your work, it’s incredible. You tap into your superpowers, and it allows your man to rise up into his masculinity, which is very sexy. Very sexy.
Doug Holt 10:35
I love that. And we’ll dive into these questions here in a little bit, I’ve got a couple for you as well. But I love that idea of femininity as a superpower, because I believe that with my whole heart. Think of wars that have been fought over femininity, Helen of Troy, for example. Countries have gone to battle over the feminine presence of one woman.
Femininity is the most powerful thing, it’s absolutely amazing. For you, two questions, actually. I’ll start with the first one. What was life like for you energetically, and by that I mean your ability to feel your full self, to enjoy life, to have vibrancy, when you found yourself being in your quote, “masculine”?
Erin Holt 11:27
Totally. Well, it was all I knew, and I was really good at it, man. I knew how to push and drive and be one of the guys. But it was completely and utterly exhausting, like bone-tired, because I’m not a man. I don’t have the testosterone levels you do. I was just exhausted. Honestly, a little bit of blues or low-grade depression a lot of the time because I was so disconnected from myself.
Feelings of confusion, “What do I actually want to do?”, disconnected from my truth, kind of lonely. Looking back, my heart was pretty closed off, lonely, unsettled. The way I can describe it, and I hear this from a lot of women, is that feeling of, “There has to be more. I want more.”
Craving more depth. Because when you’re disconnected from yourself, you can’t go deep with other people. You’re not even deep with yourself. So it’s a lot of yearning for more, but feeling kind of empty.
Doug Holt 12:35
Awesome. Thank you. I feel like I’m asking rhetorical questions, but I think they’ll help people. I just got back, as you know, from two retreats, we had the Brotherhood Retreat followed by the Inner Circle Retreat in wine country. Phenomenal retreat, all about legacy. And the concept of legacy isn’t something you leave behind; it’s something you live into now. Absolutely amazing.
I heard a lot of comments from the men. Some of their wives were doing coaching or inner work, most weren’t. Some are interested. So, with that being said, is it possible for a woman to dip back into her femininity after all these years, and still maintain her independence, her sovereignty, her intelligence, her confidence, her ability to have her man respect her? Is that possible?
Erin Holt 13:30
It would only be heightened. Honestly, ladies, you will actually feel better in your life. And that matters. That’s probably the most important thing for us as women, how we feel. I remember experiencing life and it just never felt true. Looking back now, I had a really low capacity for joy.
Sounds strange, but when you’re disconnected from yourself, that’s what happens. As you spiritually mature and grow, one of the things that comes online is your capacity for joy, which requires vulnerability, connection to yourself, connection to others, your ability to receive, your ability to soften, to stop trying to control everything (which, by the way, isn’t even possible).
It’s about trusting. Everything in your life becomes heightened. Things that don’t align will fall away, and that’s okay. I’m not saying the relationship will, but patterns within the relationship will die off. Because when you’re in a higher energy and a higher frequency, you just don’t do the same things anymore.
Doug Holt 14:40
Awesome. Let’s go into, I have tons more questions, because I know the men have questions and the women listening do too, but let’s dive into some of the questions that came from the comments. I can sprinkle mine in as we go. One of the things that’s often an issue I hear from the guys is, they don’t know whether they should open the car door.
Guys say, “If I open the car door, I’m a jerk. If I don’t open the car door, I’m a jerk. If I don’t pay the bill, I’m a jerk.” So men in society, just like women, are caught between a rock and a hard place: “What do I do here?” And there’s no polarity. Polarity, you can think of it as two magnets. If you flip the magnets so the poles are equal, you can’t make them connect. But if you flip one magnet so the poles are opposite, they attract and snap together, and it’s hard to separate them. That’s what polarity is like in a great relationship. It’s what brings the couple together.
They each still get to do their work independently, they live their own best lives, but also together. So she has her best life, he has his best life, and then you have the third entity, the marriage, the relationship, that they both get to protect.
Erin Holt 16:05
Protect, and also be willing to grow into, yep. I mean, it can’t stay stagnant. That’s true, it just can’t, or it’s not going to work. Supporting each other’s growth, and also supporting the growth of your marriage and your family, is a really important factor. And then you mentioned chivalry. I can’t tell you how good it feels, ladies, there was a part of me that used to resist it, even though I wanted it. Everything Doug just mentioned, men feeling confused, but oh my gosh, how sexy it is to be taken care of in that way.
Like having your man put his hand on the small of your back and lead you, or open the door, or walk on the outside of the sidewalk to protect you. Little things like that make you feel, “My man’s got me. I feel safe.” It is so sexy, and part of your nervous system relaxes when you stop resisting it. It’s not that you’re not capable, smart, or independent, it’s that you’re his woman, and he wants to take care of you.
And when you actually let him take care of you, you both win. The connection deepens. There’s a part of you that lights up, that’s fun and sexy. So yes to chivalry, please. And yes to ladies allowing that, it would be wonderful. Okay, one of the questions that came up from a man said something along the lines of, “My question is, who shuts our brains off?”
I don’t know these people’s lives, obviously, but one of the things I said before was that one of the biggest gifts you can give to women is to help them shut their brains off. Should I give more context on the difference between men’s and women’s brains?
Doug Holt 17:40
Go for it.
Erin Holt 17:43
Simply put, women’s brains are diffused. We’re doing 14 things at once. We’re cooking rice, nursing the baby, making sure the toddler has their snack and isn’t choking, making sure the soccer uniforms are by the door for the other kid. It’s constant, there’s not really a shutoff. I know men have a lot going on at once too, but traditionally, in the man’s brain, you guys are more linear. You have a much bigger ability to focus on one thing and do that task, because of higher testosterone levels.
But you also have part of your brain that can shut off and just sit there and do nothing. And I know that’s hard for you, Doug, knowing you, but for women, that sounds like a vacation. We don’t have a “nothing” compartment. We sit down in our house, and everything’s constantly talking to us: “That’s dirty, that’s out of place, this needs to be done.” It’s nonstop. I wish I could just go boop, turn my brain off for a minute.
So that’s what I was saying, when a man makes a choice, like, “Hey, I booked a date for us Friday night. We’re going here. You just need to be ready by six.” That’s sexy. We feel safe when we’re led in that way. That’s a gift of partnership, if you’re able to do that and help shut her brain off, it’s hot. That’s what I meant.
I’m sure your partner is also doing other things in your life that you don’t have to think about. For example, let’s say it’s a traditional dynamic, you work more hours, so she’s at home more, handling other things. You don’t have to think about how the meals appear on the table, or how the house is stocked, or what errands get done. That’s another way she “shuts your brain off.”
And sure, she can plan things too. I plan date nights for Doug and me sometimes. He likes to be surprised and taken care of in that way too. So that’s what I meant by that. Do you have anything else you want to say on that?
Doug Holt 19:41
No, I think that’s great. I think women can focus, and men can be diffused as well. But I think what you’re describing makes sense, and if I heard you say that without knowing the science, I might misunderstand it. Also, guys, remember, humans are the only species that lumps male and female together and says they’re the same.
We’re biologically different. We act differently. All other animals show that clearly through science, but for some reason, we assume men and women are identical. I’m not saying in capacity, but biologically, we’re different. Which means the hormones that run our bodies, our nervous systems, and the way we think are different.
When you say men can turn their brains off, I don’t think most men do, but I think what you mean is that we may not be as focused on our environment or home “talking” to us the way women are. So I just wanted to make that point of clarification.
Erin Holt 20:51
That’s fair. Another comment I loved, it was really sweet, was from a woman who’s been married for a long time. She said one of the best qualities her husband has is that every morning, he brings her coffee, and they sit together. And every year, they fall more in love.
She was talking about him leading her in those small, loving ways, and she said, “It’s the best thing I’ve ever had.” It’s so sweet to hear stories like that, and to know that possibility is out there.
Doug Holt 21:16
I’m going to jump into that. There was a gentleman at this retreat, he happens to be in our Inner Circle, which is our highest-level mastermind group. It’s guys who invest a significant amount of money and a significant amount of time into bettering themselves in all five territories.
A lot of it happens to focus on relationships and business, so we do a lot of business coaching at these retreats. What happened is, about two years ago, he noticed his business was thriving, but his marriage was waning. So he decided, “Hey, I’m going to turn my energy into protecting my family.”
His wife made a comment and said that the time she felt most connected with him was when they were in Paris. They’d taken a family trip there, had a great time. She said, “Man, I wish we could have more of those Paris moments.” So what he decided to do was go back, wipe his calendar clean on Tuesdays, and every Tuesday morning he goes to the store, gets a baguette, all the accompaniments, coffee, and some flowers.
Every Tuesday, he brings them home, and they relive that Paris moment. They kick the kids out of the house, have their intimacy too, and I love that. He creates that space so that she can feel seen, heard, and appreciated, all the things everybody wants, but particularly women.
Erin Holt 22:41
I love that story. That’s so cool. I have another comment here from a woman saying, “I love the way this sounds, my body craves it, but part of me resists it. I don’t ever want a man to tell me what to wear or take charge. I feel like I’d lose control.” I get that.
Doug Holt 23:00
That’s the big word right there, control.
Erin Holt 23:04
Yeah. That was me. I was wound up so tight, and I thought I could control everything and not be controlled by Doug. That didn’t work for either of us. It didn’t feel good, it basically made us compete against each other, more or less.
Doug Holt 23:21
I totally agree. We’re both very competitive people, naturally. We both played sports. But from a man’s perspective, when you have masculine energy rising up against you, you’ve got two choices: shut down completely, or fight. And obviously, you and I aren’t going to fight, because I’m never going to hit you or push you. So I shut down, because I thought I was doing the most respectful thing possible. Do you think, Erin, that it’s a paradigm shift with that word control? Instead of “control,” maybe it’s more about allowing or giving permission?
Erin Holt 24:02
It’s like, once you take care of the root of it, yeah, I know what you’re getting at. We use the word “control,” but it’s really about a lack of trust. Not just lack of trust in him, it’s lack of trust in yourself, and in life in general. So we throw that word around, but the real work is learning to ask yourself: what do I get to let go of, or forgive, myself, or him?
Doug Holt 24:33
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I’m sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what’s broken. And not only know what’s broken, but have a step-by-step methodology for how to fix it. That’s the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you’re just toiling with things.
That’s why I created a free training, a training that not only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and intimacy it used to have, but how to get it back. How to retain that, so your wife looks at you the same way she did when she said “I do.”
I don’t know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I’m her man, I feel like I can conquer the world. And I want that for you. Simply go over to thepowerfulman.com/scales, that’s thepowerfulman.com/scales, and I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if it resonates for you. Now, back to the podcast.
Erin Holt 25:36
Other people can really help you develop your ability to trust. We’ve all been hurt. We’ve all done things that have hurt other people. We’ve all made mistakes. It’s never too late to repair. It’s never too late to say, “You know what, I’m done being the angry wife.”
There were many reasons I got there, but I took ownership for my part. I literally got to the point where I said, “I can’t feel like this inside my body anymore. I don’t want to operate like this. I don’t like who I’m being.”
When you allow yourself to be taken care of and seen like that, the trust deepens. And you stop trying to grip onto this fake sense of control you think you have, because it’s exhausting.
Doug Holt 26:16
I agree. This is why, to your point, a lot of the guys freak out, I’ll use that word. They get concerned when their wife starts doing the work on herself, because they don’t feel included. That’s their insecurities and their lack of trust in the relationship coming out and playing out.
I heard that from several guys during this retreat, which I found very interesting. And obviously, as a coach, I coached some of them through it. There’s always only so much time, there were over 40 men there, but guys listening to this: if your wife starts working on herself, or says she needs time to work on herself, that could be a great thing.
That’s her time to grow. I want my wife to better herself. When she does, I get a better wife coming back to me, a better lover. My kids get a better mother. Our community gets a better friend. The more she invests in herself, her stock rises. And I think for a lot of men, they’re grasping for control because of their own insecurities and lack of trust, rather than being their wife’s biggest cheerleader.
Erin Holt 27:27
And vice versa. Yep. I see that with my clients too, it can wobble the relationship at first. But I’ll say this: most women I work with who are in a relationship want it to work deep down in their hearts. A lot of the women I coach really want their marriages to work. And like I said before, it’s about undoing patterns that didn’t work anyway. Even if they felt comfortable, they didn’t feel good. And when you start growing, you realize, “Wait, we’re growing out of this.”
Doug Holt 27:59
Exactly. Humans are designed to seek safety. So if your marriage sucks but it feels safe, you’ll go, “Well, this is as good as it gets.” And that sucks. You deserve more than average, that’s what I say all the time. You deserve more than average.
Erin Holt 28:16
And so does your partner. On that note, this comment from a woman stood out to me. She said: “The most secure I’ve ever felt was when I had a boyfriend who did this. He drove, he ordered the food, he listened, he gave me good advice when I asked. He told me things he wanted me to wear so I felt sexy, he sometimes bought them for me as gifts. I didn’t feel it was controlling, because I was capable in my own work all day long. I didn’t want to be the one in leadership or making decisions all the time. It was so nice to drop my shoulders and trust someone else to make the decisions.”
That’s spot on. And she added: “Because of that, I was able to pamper him. I had the energy and bandwidth to soften, to give him massages, cook for him joyfully, give him attention and thoughtful gifts, do whatever he wanted in the bedroom.” Everything we’re talking about changes the dynamic, the energetics, and the polarity in your relationship. This is exactly what we teach in The Activation Method, it’s what I teach my clients, because it’s what worked for us.
Doug Holt 29:27
Yes. You and I went through our dark times, very much so. It took years of reading every book, taking every course, every class possible. There wasn’t a TPM back then, there wasn’t something like this. So we have both the academic and the in-the-trenches experience. We’ve been through it, figured out how to get out of it, and stay out of it. Not that we’re perfect. No, I’m pretty close, though, but seriously, we just keep going at it. We keep evolving.
Erin Holt 30:03
Yes, very much so. This gentleman said: “Great reminder that presence matters more than perfection, and real leadership starts with attunement, not control.”
Doug Holt 30:13
Well said, sir. Well said. So from this topic about leading, the number one thing I hear from men, and I want to double down on this, is that their woman thinks they’re being controlling. And I think we get to define what that really means. Because some guys are being controlling. But what you and I describe as the difference is the space or the energy you come from when you’re trying to lead. I know a lot of men listening might not understand that concept, so do you want to flesh that out a bit from a woman’s perspective?
Erin Holt 30:50
Sure. Simply put, it’s about where it’s coming from. Are you doing it from a place of love and care, or are you doing it from a place of manipulation? That’s the difference. Not that you do this, but say Doug and I have a little tiff, right? And he looks at me with love in his eyes, playful but grounded, and says, “Come over here.”
There might be a part of me that’s like, “No,” just out of resistance. And he says again, “Come here.” And I melt, “Okay, all right.” It breaks me down, brings me back into my femininity. That’s a simple example. Another example, outside of a relationship, just to make it clear: imagine you go to a retreat, and there’s a group of people you don’t know.
You notice one guy, you just feel his energy. It’s open, calm, confident. You enjoy talking to him, it feels good. Then there’s another guy whose energy feels heavy or off, you don’t enjoy being around him. That’s energy. So trust me, your woman is constantly attuned to you. If Doug had done that same thing but from an energy of, “I don’t think what you’re saying matters, I’m right, get over here,”, that’s totally different.
That’s control, not connection. But when he does it from love and presence, he’s trying to reconnect. Break the tension. And that, that’s the difference women can feel immediately.
Doug Holt 32:32
Is that helpful? I hope so. I mean, I understand the concept. I know you do. And breaking it down, let me try to explain it the way we teach it. There’s a whole section about this in The Activation Method, and parts of it are also in the movement.
In our private app, which you know about, guys have access to a ton of resources. In fact, anyone listening to this, we’re still giving away a free copy of my book, The Man’s Guide on How to Save His Marriage Without Talking About It.
And with that resource, I’ll be doing a series of trainings for the holiday season for men, and they’ll get free access to parts of the app. Now, we have private communities within the app, but this will give them a taste, where I’ll be talking more in depth about this exact topic, especially how it relates to the holidays.
Because, as you and I both know, all of a sudden the men don’t have work to escape to. They’re home more often. And you joked once about one of your girlfriends saying, “I wish he would just leave the house.” So that gets to happen.
From an energetic standpoint, men often grasp for control because they’re unsure of the relationship. That turns into a power play between the man and the woman, because both are afraid, if they let go of control, what might happen? Instead of both surrendering into the third entity, the relationship itself.
So for men, we get to do the work on our side of the street, developing self-love and self-trust. And I know when I first heard that, I thought, “That’s a bunch of BS.”
Erin Holt 34:01
I remember.
Doug Holt 34:04
And honestly, this is going to sound self-serving, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say it, the best way I’ve ever seen men develop that is through The Alpha Reset, our in-person transformational event. Don’t take my word for it, fellas, or ladies, we have hundreds, if not thousands, of testimonials from men saying, “Holy cow, get there now.”
So that’s really what it is. I’ve had the luxury of talking to the wives of some of the men we’ve worked with, and they’ll often say that when their man walks into a room, they can feel his uncertainty. He’s trying to gauge her energy. And it comes across as needy instead of that grounded masculine polarity. So then, he resorts to control, trying to control everything he can,
Erin Holt 34:50
To feel safe.
Doug Holt 34:53
Exactly. And that doesn’t feel good for anybody. It’s not sexy, it doesn’t feel grounded. And you know my coaching style, it’s extremely direct. I’ll tell guys straight up, “You’re being a victim.” And they’ll look at me like they want to beat me up. But no, you’re being a victim.
Erin Holt 35:06
Question for you, it might be interesting to hear from your side. What’s your experience of me now versus, say, a decade ago, before I’d softened or learned to trust my femininity? How do you experience me differently?
Doug Holt 35:25
It’s night and day. I feel like we’re a partnership now. Back then, I was confused. I remember you crying, and I couldn’t stand to see you hurt. I remember you saying something like, “How can two people love each other so much and still not figure this out?” And I felt like, “I can solve every problem, why can’t I solve this one?”
We loved each other, but we were adversarial. Constantly. It was frustrating for me, because I had this dream of us being a power couple, and we couldn’t get there. We were competing against each other, not with each other. Now, you’ve become my biggest cheerleader, as I hope I’ve become for you.
We collaborate. We can be that power couple. And not that I rely on you for this, but you’ve made our home a safe place. I used to feel judgment when I came home. Now I feel encouragement. From a man’s perspective, and every guy listening will get this, there’s nothing better than feeling like you can go out, conquer the world, and come home to your place of rest.
Now, I can go provide for our family, show up fully as myself, and pour that energy outward. Before, I’d think, “Okay, I’m going home. Here we go…” Home used to feel like the battlefield, and that bled into work. Now, home is peace. Work is where I focus my energy, and it’s positive energy.
I don’t go to battle at work anymore, it’s just easier. Everything’s easier.
Erin Holt 37:33
Feels good to hear that reflected back.
Doug Holt 37:36
100%. You’ve done the work, and so have the women you’re helping. In fact, next week, by the time this comes out, one of the men in the movement introduced his partner to you. She’s been working with you and is coming to do a retreat with you. And from talking to him, it’s completely transformed their relationship. They’re not married, they’re in a committed relationship, but it’s changed everything for both of them. It’s allowed him to grow into his masculinity. And most men, when they hear that, think it sounds weird. But it’s really about stripping away the bullshit. The stuff society piles on us as men. And this guy I’m talking about, he’s already very masculine, very grounded. What we do at TPM is strip away the noise and give him tools.
Erin Holt 38:34
Same thing with women. It’s about clearing out what’s no longer working, what you’ve outgrown, but still carry around. Because it’s causing more harm than good. It’s giving you the opposite of what you want. And it’s about being able to feel your feelings, do those deeply feminine things that are actually your superpower, the ones I used to resist so much.
Doug Holt 38:54
Exactly. And when we talk about control, men and women both spend so much time working on the external, what we wear, how we look, how we appear to the world. But all of that can be ripped away. The internal work, the emotional and spiritual growth, that’s what radiates outward.
That’s the energy people feel from you. And nobody can ever take that away. So that’s the investment worth making. Whether it’s through TPM, through your coaching, or any program, keep doubling down on yourself. Don’t just think about who you are today.
Think about the man or woman you’ll be ten years from now. Ten years of a great life versus ten years of settling, that’s a world of difference.
Erin Holt 39:53
And you said something about how our home now feels safe, like, that’s my biggest why. Helping women come back home to themselves, to remember who they really are at their essence and their highest self, because the impact on the children is massive. A happy and whole woman creates a happy, whole, harmonious home, and raises happy, whole children. That’s my biggest why. So hearing you reflect the difference between a decade ago and now, it really matters. It’s so important to have that.
Doug Holt 40:31
Yeah. And there are so many things people can do to create that, people can have it. That’s what I want everyone to know: there’s hope. I’ve seen thousands of marriages turn around just through the work we’ve done with TPM. And remember, you and I were coaching separately before TPM even existed. So guys, and women, listening, there is hope.
If you both love each other, you just need the skills to find your way back. I’ll go as far as to say, 100% of the time, polarity is a big issue. Even in same-sex relationships, polarity still exists, it’s essential. You’ve got to bring that polarity together. That’s where the magic happens.
Erin Holt 41:16
Yep. My friend in my women’s group is a lesbian, and she’s married, and she calls her wife “Daddy.” They have that polarity and that energy, it totally aligns with everything you just said.
Doug Holt 41:32
Exactly. We even have a group within TPM called The Powerful Christian Man, and those men align the concept of polarity with their Christian values. It fits perfectly. Because what we teach is fundamental. Regardless of belief system, these are human truths. And I’ve heard many of those men say the dynamic you and I have would be considered biblical.
It’s fascinating, something written thousands of years ago still outlines the same path to relational success. Somewhere along the way, society drifted from that. Men have been conditioned to be more feminine; women have been conditioned to be more masculine. And boy, does that not work. That’s a recipe for disaster.
Erin Holt 42:44
Exactly. And another thing, it’s a whole other topic, but it ties in, is stopping the outsourcing of your happiness to your partner. When you make them responsible for how you feel, that’s a recipe for disaster.
Doug Holt 42:59
Absolutely. So when you do your coaching for women, whether it’s one-on-one or group programs, are you primarily working within the relationship dynamic, or just on the woman herself?
Erin Holt 43:09
Everything’s connected. We start with awareness, getting her truly reconnected to herself. Because as women, we tend to disappear from our own lives, taking care of everyone else. That leads to a bitter, sad, resentful, unmotivated woman, even if she’s smart and successful.
Eventually, that just stops working. It’s about remembering how to connect to yourself, drop the armor, and bring rituals and sacred starts back into your life, connecting to you before the world, your kids, your work, or your husband need you.
Your superpower as a woman is your connection to your heart, your intuition, and your inner wisdom. That connection brings more joy, more intimacy, and more harmony into your life. It helps marriages clear out cobwebs that have been there for years.
It reignites parenting with lightness and motivation. It helps women see themselves differently, opening up new possibilities in career, creativity, and life. When you build that relationship with yourself, everything expands outward.
Doug Holt 44:40
I love that. And I know you’ve worked with daughters of some of the men in the movement, it’s incredible. People don’t have to wait until they’re in crisis to start.
Erin Holt 44:49
Exactly. That’s such a precious age. I’ll have a link in the show notes, a quick page where women can add their email to the waiting list for the next group I’ll be opening. And my website will be there too if anyone wants to reach out directly.
Doug Holt 45:05
I get questions about your programs all the time. And I always tell the guys, this is your business. You run it. For the women listening, Erin runs her own practice. I don’t control it. But yes, you’re opening up new groups soon, we talked about that this morning over coffee, so more women can access the coaching they need.
Because, like men, women thrive in community. That’s absolutely awesome. Thank you for all you do, for families, for me, for our family, and for the movement. And for showing up for the men, bringing a woman’s voice to the conversation. Hopefully, we’ll expand that into the app soon and get you out there even more.
Erin Holt 45:50
Thank you so much for bringing me in. I love being part of this.
Doug Holt 45:53
Gentlemen, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend watching this with your partner. Watch it on YouTube, sit down together, pop some popcorn, pour a glass of wine, and have conversations that matter.
If you love each other, there’s hope. Even if your marriage is good, don’t settle for “good.” Many of the men who join TPM say, “My marriage is good, but I want great.” You deserve more than average. Life is short, you know that.
We just finished a retreat on legacy, and it was powerful. Men realized how short life truly is, and that your legacy isn’t something you leave behind, it’s something you live into right now. That starts with doing the work. Nothing worthwhile comes easy, and you know that.
So do the work. At TPM, we make sure you actually do it, with the coaching, accountability, and tools to make it happen. If you’re interested in any TPM programs, head over to thepowerfulman.com. You’ll find more info there, and a quick quiz to see if we’re the right fit for you.
And if, for whatever reason, maybe it’s my voice or timing or something else, you don’t vibe with us? That’s fine. Go somewhere else. But invest in yourself. Do it today. Stop putting it off until “after the holidays.”
I’ve made all those excuses myself, and I can tell you, the right time is now. See you next time on The TPM Show.
