Episode #990
In this honest, no-fluff episode, Tim, Gary, and Mark open up about something most men never talk about—sexual abuse. They unpack how silence and shame shaped their lives, relationships, and how they saw themselves as men. But this conversation isn’t about staying stuck in the past. It’s about what happens when you finally tell the truth.
You’ll hear how opening up became the turning point—not just for healing, but for building real connection, trust, and confidence again. If you’ve ever felt like there’s a part of your story you can’t share, or if you’re carrying something heavy and silent, this one might hit home.
This is for the guy who needs to know he’s not alone—and that there’s a path forward, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet.
Ready to stop carrying it alone?
If this episode stirred something in you—if you’re tired of hiding, tired of feeling stuck—there’s a next step.
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Gary 0:33
That was really special.
Gary 0:37
He gets it. You get it.
Gary 1:06
Hey, doing great. Thanks. Thanks for having us.
Gary 1:27
Powerful. Powerful King’s Council for everybody.
Tim Matthews 2:05
Ah, gold. What came up for you in that?
Tim Matthews 2:35
Don’t know what they’re talking about. And express that.
Tim Matthews 3:54
It does take courage.
Gary 3:57
It does. And we had a process this week, and it was a cathartic process for me. I have one-on-one or intentionally targeted sharing of my experiences when I knew a particular man had an experience that they were struggling with that was relevant, and I was there for them, and how they responded in a very appreciative and thankful way, and relief, you know. This time there was nine of us in there, with me and eight other guys, plus the coaches. I shared a little bit about this in my Alpha Reset for the first time into a group of men, because it was safe to do so. I mean, providing a safe, non-judgmental environment. And so this time we did it in kind of a different way, and I felt a little bit more comfortable.
Mark 5:00
Was it?
Gary 5:00
It was a safe, non-judgmental, loving environment. And the guys just in this King’s Council here said, “Gary, that was one of the most powerful things we heard this week your story and the way you shared it, and the pain that you shared.” That it was impactful for them. And they all said, “Men need to hear this story. I know somebody who needs to hear this story. I needed to hear this story.”
Tim Matthews 5:26
So, I know before the show we were in jest talking about the thing that the three of us have in common, right? We were saying it’s not that we’re men, it’s not that we’re in the movement, it’s not that we’re heterosexual. It’s the fact that all three of us have experienced sexual abuse. And on one hand it’s sad, on the other hand it’s life. I think the numbers of men who have experienced sexual abuse think about the Resets. I would say on the Resets that I have delivered, on average obviously we cap the number of men at The Alpha Reset to about 10. It might be nine, might be 11, depending on the venue. I’ll say 10. I would say on average, of all the Resets that I’ve done, somewhere between 25% to 30% of the men voluntarily share that they’ve suffered sexual abuse.
Tim Matthews 6:39
Which is a high, high number when you think about the stats within society around male suicide.
Gary 6:52
Yes.
Tim Matthews 6:54
Around shootings that happen, around dysfunctional behavior.
Mark 7:01
Depression and anxiety.
Tim Matthews 7:03
The idea of toxic masculinity, alcoholism, workaholism all these things.
Mark 7:10
Gender-based violence.
Tim Matthews 7:13
I really do wonder how much sexual abuse really plays a role. I mean, I just think about the documentaries that have come out over the past five years, the number of documentaries that have come out about sexual abuse based in past decades, right? Be it in sports clubs, be it in athletics, be it in I could go on and on.
Mark 7:41
Churches, churches, industry.
Tim Matthews 7:45
It’s wild. I’ve got to imagine there are men out there right now listening to this at this very moment that have suffered sexual abuse and they haven’t told a soul. Let’s speak to those guys.
Gary 8:07
Okay.
Tim Matthews 8:10
What do you want to share with them?
Gary 8:13
First thing that comes to my mind is you are not alone. I felt so lonely. I didn’t want to share. I didn’t want to share it with a soul. Therefore, I created my loneliness, and it affected me in a variety of ways. It affected my relationships, affected my relationships with girls, women, but men. If you’ve experienced this, you are not alone. 25% to 35% is probably representative of actual numbers in the greater population. And my suspicion is it’s getting higher and higher as time goes on.
Tim Matthews 8:47
How did it affect your relationship with women?
Gary 8:51
I really felt like I wasn’t worthy. I was broken. I was sexually broken, and I wasn’t worthy of a woman’s love. I didn’t have what it takes to attract and keep the love of a beautiful woman because I’m not a man. I’m not enough of a man. And it was a limiting belief that I had, either consciously or subconsciously, and at times both. And I would often self-sabotage in the relationship. I would start dissociating, start pulling away, because I was ashamed of who I was. I felt I was broken and unworthy. And so many people that I was in relationship with were hurt by that. I was hurting others because of my silence. So guys, if you’ve experienced it, you are not alone. And I just encourage you anyone I’m available to talk to people. In the King’s Council, I basically said maybe it’s my time. That was 15 minutes or probably half an hour ago, and here we are talking about it on a podcast.
Mark 10:11
Talk about manifesting an opportunity.
Gary 10:12
What's Doug say? In the moment of inspiration, take massive action. But it's serious, guys. The shame that comes with having experienced that I feel guilty. There was pleasure in it for me. I did something wrong. It was my fault. You know, I brought it on. I could have said no. In my case, I froze.
Tim Matthews 10:40
I guess it was a game. I often wonder I was about, how old was I? Maybe five, five or six and it was at the hands of a kid that was a few years older. It couldn't have been that many years older. And the way he framed it was, “Hey, I think my uncle or someone my uncle played this game with me. I want to play this game with you.” And who knows, maybe that was true.
Tim Matthews 11:16
Which, if it is, it just kind of goes to the point we're talking about 25% to 30%. It's probably even higher, right? So we played a game. When I played the game, obviously it's like this doesn't feel this is a bit weird. There was something inside of me that was like, I should be saying no right now. Should I say no? Should I not say no? What's right? What's wrong? Obviously I'm young, right? It was very difficult to understand the correct response in the moment. So I played that game maybe one or two times. And I was like, this is really weird. The shame that comes with it, the confusion that comes with it. I often wonder, how has that influenced or impacted me sexually? And to be honest, I've not dived into that. I've not felt that. I've not felt the need to. There's been definitely curiosities more so lately, as I've been in the Rising and such, and conversations like this, where I start to wonder a bit more and think, hmm, I wonder what's there. But when I recollect those times, two feelings three main feelings come up for me. One is there wasn't any violence within it, but still a feeling of a little bit of helplessness.
Gary 13:04
Was there ever, “Don't tell anyone”?
Tim Matthews 13:08
Yes.
Gary 13:10
Yes. I've that happened several times. “Don't tell anyone.”
Tim Matthews 13:14
There was “don't tell anyone.” So there was a common feeling, some helplessness. I could have said no, but I didn't really know should I? Is this normal? Is it not? So second feeling, a bit of confusion. I think because I've grown up over the decades, I think a piece of what happened has then influenced how and what I do say no to. Because honestly, I think it's made me I think my boundaries were a little bit affected.
Gary 14:01
Boundaries. That's how I characterize it. My sexual boundaries were train-wrecked at eight years old. Train-wrecked. And the boundarylessness I just learned that this was an activity that's part of life. And there was shame, and I felt it deep something wrong. It felt wrong. It was an experience that I had familiarity with now that my innocence was stolen at eight years old. I don't remember a time when I wasn't sexually active. And to have talked about sexual addiction later on in life and patterns of relationships broken, recycling and cycling and cycling, and looking for fulfillment, never finding it, and all these things in pursuit of a woman to satisfy some need, you know, that was ultimately a wound that no person could satisfy.
Doug Holt 15:11
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Mark 16:14
So how it transpired for me, building on that, because you're talking to me about my story in a way. It was a boy and his brother, and they were older than me, and I didn't have advocacy. And it was also a game, and it was a game they played. They wanted to share this game with me. So it was your special kind of thing initially. And then it was “don't tell anyone,” and all of that. And what that resulted in for me was, firstly, I never told anybody until I was 42. So I kept it, and it was a part of me that I could not share with anybody, a part of me that was locked down. And what happened in my relationships with women was sex became a weapon, and women became conquests nothing more. So that affected my ability to have a deep, connected relationship with a woman because sex equaled lack of trust, you know, feeling of it's wrong, I'm going to get found out, all of that stuff, and all of the shame. So sex became a shameful thing. So it was something I tried not to think about. So it was very, very much transactional. And I'm very grateful for the relationship I have with my wife because she knows everything. I told her absolutely gory detail, more than she probably needed to hear. But it was cathartic for me to be able to have that conversation with her. And honestly, she was the first person I told everything to. I mean, I processed it gratefully within an environment where I was safe. I was able to confront my abuser, so to speak, and that was huge for me because suddenly I felt like I could have my power back as a man. And I think, you know, I've done some further work on that with a therapist and gone to the place where I feel like I've rediscovered my innocence, which was incredible for me. Because losing innocence at nine or 10 years old, there was a part that was missing.
Gary 18:31
I completely resonate with that. You know, it also, for me, felt like if I entered a relationship with a woman, I had to hide a part of me. I had to hold a part of me behind my back, hidden. And I would be found out. I would be found out that I'm not good enough or that I'm broken, and it's just a matter of time. And the energy it takes to hide that and not be the authentic me. And it was at the Reset, November of 2022, I shared that with a group of guys. And Mark, you came up to me afterwards and you sat down with me on the couch and shared your story. And I felt safe with you. And I felt like I was not alone, and that was powerful for me. And thank you for coming alongside me. That was really special.
Mark 19:23
That's crazy.
Tim Matthews 19:27
The guys in TPM were the first people I shared it with. Was that Reset? That was the first time.
Gary 19:38
Wow. What was that like for you to share that?
Tim Matthews 19:43
Definitely related to a lot of what you guys are saying about how it's impacted you. I've not, over the years, I've not dwelled on it a great deal. There's definitely been patterns of behavior in my life, especially around women. But honestly, a lot of the time I put that down to feelings of inadequacy and me seeing women this sounds bad, but it just is what it is seeing women as women and putting my self-worth on my ability to be able to attract the kind of women that other people wanted, whether I was in a relationship or not. And even sometimes it wasn't to attract the women that other people wanted. It could have just been women in general. I do think some of it did come from a place of inadequacy and insecurity. But also I think some of that inadequacy and insecurity was fed and fueled because of what happened too. I shared everything with Amelia. Never shared it with my ex. Shared it all with Amelia. That was probably a more terrifying share than around the table at the Reset. We were in Greece when I shared it with her in Santorini. I don't recall how it came up. But, you know, just like Bonnie, just like Heather, she knows everything. There's some guys who share this and share it from a place of victimhood. And I'm wondering how we can convey the fruits that we currently get to enjoy in life as a result of us facing head-on what it is that we have experienced. Because none of us have been victims to it. I think if I was listening and I had this thing going on, I think not only would I want to hear that other guys have been through it, but also that on the other side of going through it they've experienced some incredible fruitfulness in their life. So how do we convey that right now?
Mark 22:10
Well, there's a part for me around acceptance by women specifically. I think a lot of guys don't share their sexual shame for fear of rejection. And my encouragement would be and I've spoken with a lot of men, I work with a lot of men not without exception, sure, but women generally will appreciate the openness of vulnerability and be willing to. And there's an acceptance there. And in fact, my relationship with Bonnie got closer because, of course, that shadow then evaporated. Right?
Tim Matthews 22:52
And just share on the side how do you and those are the things that you guys have done within your relationship that help you guys to have the relationship that you do but just share a little bit about the kind of relationship you have with Bonnie. Because if I was listening to this, resonating with this, and I've got this hidden thing that is creating unconscious patterns in my life, sabotage or otherwise, I'd want to have some hope. I'd want to hear this and know that, okay, I'm hearing some encouragement. One, you're not alone. Two, can I share it to some degree? Obviously, there's nuances to that piece of advice. What's possible for me on the other side of this? So if you could share a little bit about the relationship you have with Bonnie.
Mark 23:37
As a result of that acceptance and that transparency, it's allowed a lot of freedom sexually as well. From the perspective of, you know, within shame am I enough? Do I have what it takes? All of those kinds of things, lack of confidence can come up. And as a result of the transparency and her acceptance, we have a very close, connected, intimate life relationship, a high level of trust. She absolutely believes in me 100%. She's my biggest fan and biggest advocate. And I am, as a result of accepting myself and being able to share that, much more powerful and potent as a man. Interestingly enough, her view of me and her perspective of me has been much greater than I was willing to accept about myself. And the more she kept on sharing with me how much she believed in me and what she tells me about me when I come here to serve other men at a Rising or a Reset, etc., is, “Be brilliant,” because that's who she sees me being. And the shame didn't allow me to see my brilliance. Now that I've shared it with her and her belief and her support is there, I fully believe that I'm brilliant. So it's incredible. It's incredible and a very privileged process for me. It's been amazing.
Tim Matthews 25:26
Because the story is, “I can't share it. I'll be looked at as being weak and less of a man.”
Mark 25:33
One of my friends or my family will ever watch this. In the past it would have been, you know, “Can I?” And now, as you were sharing, it's not about me. It's for others.
Gary 25:48
I would tell the guys listening, since I've started sharing my story, including The Alpha Reset and the Rising, there's probably over three dozen people that I have shared this with. Not one has rejected me.
Mark 26:06
Men or women?
Gary 26:09
I'll be okay. A couple of them, a handful, have been women. One rejected me. I'm divorced, but honestly there were other issues involved there. But no one has, other than that. Most have embraced me. They've felt my pain. They've loved me more. They've accepted me. So statistically speaking, if we're afraid of all these things we're afraid to share I'll get rejected, blah blah blah statistically that doesn't bear out based on my experience.
Mark 26:58
There's another piece. I've just had this light bulb moment. I hadn't shared my pain with the mother of my children, who I'm also divorced from, and there was a limit to the relationship. And I'd attracted her from a broken place.
Gary 27:14
Yes.
Mark 27:15
And I attracted Bonnie from a healed place. So the type of person you’re right the woman that came into my life is a different kind of woman. Healthy relationships.
Gary 27:26
Same with me and Heather. Same.
Tim Matthews 27:29
I think my past relationship, I'd attracted something similar, and I tried to fix her. Probably trying to fix myself through fixing her. I would hopefully feel better about myself. It was never going to work.
Gary 27:46
Correct.
Mark 27:48
Wow. It's also a duty of men, and one of the big reasons I'm in this movement is I believe it's a duty of men to show up and be honorable and lead and make a safe world for women and children. And so by speaking about this, it creates much more of that, I believe. And I think it's also incumbent upon us to call it out and to raise awareness from the perspective of it's going on. Be vigilant, and don't let it happen to your child if you can avoid it. And one of the reasons I didn't share this publicly was because I didn't want my parents to feel that they'd done something wrong.
Tim Matthews 28:30
Likewise.
Mark 28:31
And they didn't. It wasn't on their watch.
Tim Matthews 28:33
No.
Gary 28:34
Wow. That's cool. I think shame in general whether it's shame that has resulted from this or, hey, I've got a gambling problem, or porn, or anything I've been doing or done that is shameful the power of shame comes because we hold it in the dark.
Tim Matthews 28:53
Oh, for sure.
Gary 28:55
And the more I try to hide it, the more shame builds. And it's just this vicious cycle. And the effects over time of shame to my heart, my soul, my body the body keeps the score the physical diseases that can come from just this negative energy that I'm holding and trying to hide. And the body wants it out. Letting it out, letting it go, bringing it to the light at The Alpha Reset was step one. Expanding on it here at the Rising. And I even feel lighter sharing it with you two fine men, to whoever is going to hear this episode, whoever needs to hear this episode, that there is freedom when we bring it into the light. And that's one thing I felt was this relief at the Reset. I was just so relieved after our conversation. And this one now is even more relieving.
Tim Matthews 29:59
Guilt is, I did something wrong. Shame is, I am wrong. You know, when you bring that into the light and you realize well, you just have that belief challenged by men and you realize that you aren't wrong.
Mark 30:15
I was wronged.
Tim Matthews 30:17
And you're able to give that stagnant energy, which is what the emotion is, an outlet. It begins to process. And each time it becomes lighter and lighter and lighter. And it doesn't go away, but you learn to live with it differently, just like a scar. It heals, but you know, sometimes some wounds heal where the scars remind you.
Gary 30:44
Reminder. Scars.
Tim Matthews 30:46
They tell your story, right? The scars become part of your life story. We learn to live with things differently. But to your point, we've got to get it out of the dark into the light in a very safe space, in a way where you feel comfortable doing it.
Gary 31:08
And you guys here on these events are masters at providing safe places for men to open up. And I just appreciate The Powerful Man and the brilliance that goes into providing safety and the ability for men to be authentic, open up, and from that, rise. I would say to the men listening, to your point earlier, if you've experienced this, you've suffered from this, you are not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. It wasn't your fault. And you can rise from this.
Tim Matthews 31:50
So, in the moment of insight, take massive action. We'll see you next time on