Episode #884
Holding back your emotions, thinking it’s making you a stronger man in your marriage? What if the opposite is true? Vulnerability could be the key to the connection you’re missing with your wife.
In this episode, Doug and Erin Holt break down why vulnerability matters in a relationship and how it can flip the script in your marriage. They’ll give you actionable tips on how to open up without losing your strength and explain why your wife needs both your masculine energy and your emotional depth. Learn how leading with self-awareness can rebuild trust, spark passion, and reignite the connection you’ve been craving.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
- How vulnerability actually strengthens your marriage
- Why emotional connection is what your wife is really after
- The difference between leading with strength and just venting
- Easy steps to rebuild trust, even if you’ve messed up before
Take charge of your emotions and see how it can create a deeper, more fulfilling relationship for you and your family.
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Transcription
Doug Holt: 0:00
I promise you that 100% of the time men lead happier, fulfilling lives for themselves, which tends to lead to more happy, fulfilling lives for their kids, for their partners, whether it’s their wives or girlfriends or anybody else. But in general, everybody just lives a better life because you can still use your head, but now you can tap into that emotional connection. And that, my friends, is what your wife is looking for.
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM Show. Once again, we are graced with my beautiful wife, Erin Holt. I’ve asked her to stay here with us for another show. But guys, if you haven’t listened to the previous episode where Erin talks about a woman’s cycles, go ahead and push pause. Or, if you’re on your TV, scroll back. Go to the previous episode and watch that first. But today, for those of you who have done your homework and you’re here, what we’re going to do is rapid-fire questions. I don’t know what they are, Erin doesn’t know what they are, but these are your questions, viewer questions, that we’re going to take in, and we’re going to shoot them rapid fire. So stick around to the end because something is going to be in there for you—these little nuggets, even though you may have heard them before. We want to reinforce the patterns, and you’ll see themes in these questions. I’m sure that always happens because this is real life. We’re a real couple. We have our own real problems and our own ways of working through them. And for you guys that have been through the movement, TPM, whether it be The Activation Method for Relationships or one of our other programs, you’re going to see a lot of these similarities, and these are things that we have taught you guys on how you can actually save your marriage, bring back the passion, and reignite your relationship as we have. So, are you ready for some fun?
Erin Holt: I am ready.
Doug Holt: Awesome. So, I’ve got a list of questions here. I’m going to pick them somewhat at random. Here’s one that comes in and says, “Hey, what’s one thing you’ve seen successful couples do consistently that others miss?”
Erin Holt: 2:05
I would say the first thing that popped in was making communication about life, partnership, and everything. It’s almost running like a business. Have intentional time for conversations about finances, like handling the unsexy stuff, which also just makes room for more energy and desire available to make time for the sexy.
Doug Holt: 2:27
I’m going to go a different route. I think the number one thing that I see that most couples miss is learning how to communicate effectively. Part of that is listening, and part of that is… Is it? And mostly, it’s the guys allowing their partner to feel safe, feel seen, heard, and desired. We teach a methodology we call The Hidden Motives Technique, which you’re familiar with. But I think at least for us, that’s turned arguments that would have lasted two weeks in the past—because we’re both pretty independent, strong-willed people—into something that turns around in 20–30 seconds if handled properly. And then when we go out and we’re with other couples, I see them doing that ineffectively very often, and that just spirals, right? Then you have that disconnect that comes in, or it becomes a joke, and one person tries to one-up the other. It just doesn’t seem to work out.
Erin Holt: 3:24
Actually, piggybacking off of what you’re saying, and I teach this a lot. Speaking of master classes, I did a master class on just some of the differences between masculine communication and feminine communication. Having a deep understanding of how we’re different—we’re more different than the same. And also teaching women this, because a lot of this is maybe a little bit off-topic, but it comes back around. A lot of women have been masculinized for many reasons. I don’t want to get into the reasons, but it doesn’t matter. But I know women are starving for femininity and understanding how powerful it is and how men are starving for it. So, I just like teaching the differences between how to communicate from feminine communication versus masculine communication. It’s really different, and learning some of that can produce great results as far as more connection, devotion, trust, love, and safety.
Doug Holt: 4:19
100%, yeah. Men are dying for their women to be feminine and for themselves to be able to step into their masculinity. I read you that communication before we hit record, that one of the guys had sent to me that he was going to send to his partner. And again, that was more like, “Hey, I see you. I think this is what might be going on,” and going through a version of what we call The Hidden Motives Technique, so that she could feel safe, feel seen, and understood, so they could have a conversation—a conversation that matters.
Doug Holt: Great points, good questions. Guys, I love that these questions are coming in. For those of you wondering, “Hey, how do I submit a question to the TPM Show?”—one, if you’re in the movement, you’re in our private community, just go ahead and put a question out there. Tag me, let me know that you want Erin and me to answer this on a future podcast. If you’re not in the movement, hey, look, we’re still here to serve you. This is why we’re rolling on over 900 podcast episodes. I think coming up soon, I’ve lost track. We’ve done a lot of information here. We do have a free Facebook group, so if you’re a business owner, you’re a man, you’re looking for those tools, and even if you’re not, come over to that Facebook group, tag me in there as well, and we’ll clean that up and add it to the list.
So, here’s another one. I’m just going to read it out loud. Hopefully, it’s a good one. It says, “Hey Doug, what role does vulnerability play in a strong marriage, and how can I personally express my vulnerability to my wife without feeling weak?” That’s a question I get a lot from guys because, right, if I show you that I’m vulnerable, if I show you the skeletons in the closet or my emotions, you’re naturally going to think that I’m weaker, and I’ve got to pretend to be strong all the time.
Erin Holt: 5:59
This is something I’ve been deeply studying over the last year and have learned a lot about, and it’s opened my eyes. So when I first kind of learned this, I was like, “Oh, that’s super interesting.” And then when I actually started paying more attention, it’s true. So, women—we, our world is run by our feelings, and like, it’s right here for us. Men, your feelings and emotions are super important, just as important, and to polarize a relationship between a man and a woman, what depolarizes it is a man coming and dumping on the woman like, “Oh my gosh, work is so hard. This is the worst. I can’t figure out Steve. Steve does this, and I don’t know how to manage this,” right? Again, he’s doing this and kind of dumping on us. What it does is automatically, we fall into a mothering role and also kind of a masculine role at the same time, trying to help you solve it. I thought I wanted that from Doug, but I don’t. What I need Doug to do is to have a place to land that’s safe, where he can talk to other men who are going to expect the best out of him—not the man that’s like, “Hey, let’s just go take shots and drink a six-pack. Problem solved.”
Doug Holt: 7:08
That’s how that guy talks.
Erin Holt: 7:09
Yeah, that is how he talks. His name is Frank. But somebody who’s going to hold Doug to his highest good. But it’s a place that Doug can go and be vulnerable and be kind of a mess, like, “I don’t know how to solve this problem. This is really challenging. This is dragging me down. It’s stressing me out.” What we as women want and need from our men—we need your vulnerability, but from a place of masculine leadership where it’s like you’ve sort of worked through this thing and you’re like, “Hey, I’ve had a really challenging situation with my father,” or whatever. I’m just making this up. “And I’ve been talking to this therapist, and I’ve really worked through some of this stuff, and I realized this has had a big impact on me, and I’ve done a lot of work around healing this wound, and I know it’s had an impact on you, and I want to apologize, and this is how I’m moving forward.” Totally different. He’s in ownership; he’s in responsibility for his emotions, for himself, and he’s bringing forth leadership. He’s leading himself, so he’s able to bring masculine leadership into the relationship. But he also is responsible for finding a men’s group like TPM or a therapist or, sometimes, solid friends. Friends aren’t always the best, but like a solid place, he can go for support and guidance to grow and bring that growth back into his marriage or partnership, whatever.
Doug Holt: 8:23
Yeah, I think there are so many great things there, right? And I’m going to break them down and add to them if I can. One, yes, you used to talk about how you wanted me to share my emotions and things more. And the truth is, there’s a difference there. I’m going to describe what that difference is in my own terms of what I think it is. But iron sharpens iron, and men need to be around strong men. So, would I go share this stuff with the group—some group of dads that, like, as we talk about this, I end up hanging out with the dads whose kids are the same age as my kids, if that makes sense, and so we hang out with their parents. And so I end up talking to the guys. I wouldn’t share it with them, per se. So, you need to find a group of men, men that you can share these deep things with, who are strong men. And by strong men, I don’t mean physically strong. It’s what we call “The Powerful Man’s Inner Power.” They’re going to accept you. It’s one of the things that guys say all the time when they join our community. They’re like, “Holy cow, I didn’t know how much I needed this. I didn’t know how many other men were there.” These are strong, powerful men, and they’re like, “Hey, this is what’s going on in my life.” And they’re supported, not judged—different religious beliefs, different backgrounds, upbringings, different countries. So, that’s critical. You need to find that group, guys. It’s a need, not a want.
Doug Holt: The other thing that you said that was really important—there’s a difference. If I come to you and share something that’s going on with me, like, “Hey, you know what I realized about myself was this, this, and this. This happened,” and I’m just sharing something with you, that’s one thing, and that’s great. That’s sexy; I’m being vulnerable. The thing that most people do—and I used to do this—is let me play the victim card. I hear whining: “Oh, Colton—yeah, Colton’s here, watch this.” But, like, just complaining about somebody or playing the victim card rather. You know, nobody wants that. Guys don’t want to hear that from other men. Women don’t want to hear that from men. When you play the victim, you’re giving away—you’re not being vulnerable. You’re being powerless. You’re giving your power away to somebody else or another circumstance. And so that’s not vulnerability. I think men mistake that for being vulnerable: “I’m going to come home, dump my problems, and share all the bad things that are going on. Woe is me.” I shared with her, and she didn’t react well.
Erin Holt: 10:49
What that does is completely depolarize a relationship, 100%, versus the other way. It brings polarity in.
Doug Holt: 10:55
Well, I’m being feminine in that case, right? We call it “collecting the berries.” We teach the guys to collect the berries for their wives. I know you’re familiar with this, right? And so that allows her to step into her femininity. If you do that to your partner, your woman, she has to step into her masculinity to collect your berries. You don’t want that, guys. And so when it comes to vulnerability, right, and being weak, the thing I always teach the guys is it’s the opposite, right? It’s courageous if you’re sharing something deep inside of you that you’re scared to share, but it’s from a place of power, of a desire to share it, and you don’t care what other people think. That’s powerful. And I would say a woman says that’s extremely sexy, right? Because if I share something with you that I feel vulnerable about, then chances are I’m scared to share it. And if I share it anyway, I’m being courageous, and I’m not dependent on your reaction, right? I’m just sharing something with you. I don’t put all my self-worth in your reaction to me, right? And that makes you feel safer, right? Because, you know, if I’m not overly concerned with how you’re going to react as the defining mechanism of who I am as a human or as a man, then I can hold space for you, probably, too. Whereas what most guys do is, if I share something with you, so I share something with my wife, and she reacts differently than I expect, then you’re like, “Wait a minute. He’s not grounded. He’s not secure.” And how sexy is that?
Erin Holt: 12:29
It’s not.
Doug Holt: 12:31
Exactly. So, what I would say to this guy is sharing something you’re vulnerable about from a place of just wanting to share without expectation or without attaching the other person’s reaction to the definition of yourself is powerful. It’s not weak—it’s courageous. That’s why I always say this on the show: a firefighter running into a burning building is scared shitless. He is scared. I’ve talked to guys who have done this. We have a lot of special forces guys in the movement, and I talk to them. It’s not that they’re not scared; they’re doing it anyway. We celebrate these men. They’re courageous, they’re powerful, they’re heroes. You can do the same thing by sharing yourself with your woman and being her hero. But don’t be the guy—when 99% of the guys are just playing the victim card, they’re the victim. Or, just like this guy, I was telling you about earlier, every action they do is based on getting a positive reaction from their wife. That means their wife is in control of his emotions and his definition of who he is as a man. So, how can you protect her? Right? That just makes no sense. So, again, be vulnerable, but be vulnerable from a place of wanting to share something about yourself or share your feelings or share your emotions from a place of being grounded, not from a place of expectation. So, if I share something with you and I expect you to give me a big hug, cry, or give me a cookie because I’m a good boy, or whatever else it is, and you react differently, and that redefines who I am as a man—that’s not vulnerability; it’s weakness.
Erin Holt: 14:13
Yeah, I think the long story short of everything you just said is we want to be led by you. And one of the ways that we really know we can trust you is if you’re leading yourself.
Doug Holt: 14:51
Yeah.
Erin Holt: 14:51
So, taking responsibility. We all have stuff, we all have hard issues, we all have things we’re working through, through this phase of life—everything. So, it’s like, as long as you are responsible for yourself, like Doug is saying, for your own inner world, for your own being in solution mode around whatever challenges come up (because they’re going to be there)—that’s really sexy. And sharing it from that place. Thank you.
Doug Holt: 14:51
Yeah, totally. Let’s do one more here. I’ve got a bunch. We could do this all day. This is fun.
Doug Holt: I’ve got a bunch. We could do this all day. This is fun. I’m wondering what women really want from their husbands when it comes to emotional connection. I can’t seem to figure out what exactly she’s looking for.
Erin Holt: 22:29
Good question. I’m going to answer it from the perspective of a female, obviously. So, we operate through our world, through feelings. So, we as women, I will say, really need to honor and know what we’re feeling. I’m going to answer this question, but I’m also going to give a perspective that maybe people don’t know, or maybe they do know. But as little girls, most of us, and as we go into teenage years and womanhood, we are taught to shut down our feelings. We’re not taught that they are actually our superpower. We’re taught things like, “Don’t be too emotional.” “Go with the flow.” “Don’t make such a big deal out of everything.” “You can’t take a joke.” We are told to shut down our biggest superpower. So, I actually now coach a lot of women to feel their feelings, and I walk that walk. So, I know it really well. Like, we’re taught to numb ourselves to exist in the world safely, but inside, it feels awful. So, if we actually know that it’s our superpower to know how we feel and share our feelings, it’s incredibly powerful, and it’s very feminine. But I also know we are also taught to completely shut down—it’s like cutting off half of our being. So, some women actually need to even relearn how to know what they feel, which sounds so weird, but when you’re taught to ignore it, it’s hard to know how to feel safe like, “Oh, I’m in the safe place to share my feelings.”
So, she needs to be able to share her feelings with you and share her heart and share her tears. Also, we’re taught to shut these down, so it feels exceptionally vulnerable if we have a guy who can’t hold that space energetically. Hold the space of like, “I’ve got you” is the energy. You’re safe here. I’ve got you. Come here, give me a hug. Because when a woman is more in touch with her feelings and can release and cry, it releases cortisol out of her body. It moves the feelings through her body. It’s honestly one of the most powerful ways to go and let it out, literally out of her body. And then tied in with that, the deeper that she can feel her feelings and also feel safe to release them, the access on the other side of pleasure for her will grow too because that requires opening up and receiving and feeling. It’s all connected.
A really powerful way from a man’s side that he can do that may not seem related, but it is, is one of the biggest gifts a man in his masculinity can give his woman is to shut her brain off. Our brains are diffused. If you don’t know what that means—they cover this in The Powerful Man, and I teach this all the time—but by taking the lead, tell her what to wear. “Wear that purple dress. I love that on you.” Plan the date. Pick her up, even if you’re like, “I drive her.” Plan the vacation. Like, lead her. Like, in the morning, come over here, sit next to me. “I poured you a cup of coffee. Tell me what’s going on. Tell me what you’re feeling.” Lead her over and over and over and over again because then you’ll be able to step more into your masculinity. She’ll be able to soften into her femininity and not be in charge. I can speak for myself and many, many women I know that just the way culturally we’ve been masculinized—we are done being in charge. We are so sick of being in charge. We’re capable—sure, we’re capable—but it keeps us in our masculinity, and we’re tired. Masculinity makes us real, real tired and bitter and resentful, and not our best selves. So, it’s connected because it allows her to be in her femininity, to connect to you on an emotional level. When she sees you stepping more into your masculinity and leading her from a place of love and devotion for her—not from, “I’m better than you” or “I’m in charge”—that’s a very different energy. But just being like, “I’m your man, and I’m going to handle this. I’ve got you. Wear the purple dress.” Not like, “I don’t know, yeah, you look good in both.” No, lead her. Be like an arrow. So, that might be a long answer, but there are a lot of factors in there.
Doug Holt: 26:54
There are a lot of factors in there. I love it though, and those are great points. I’m going to say, get your ass to an Alpha Reset.
Erin Holt: That too.
Doug Holt: It may sound self-serving, and it’s not—well, it is in the sense that I want to help more men. But it’s not like I talk to guys about, “If a guy goes to an Alpha Reset, my life doesn’t change at all, but his life, I guarantee, will. And the life of his kids and his family—it’s that big.” So, for those that don’t know, maybe this is their first time hearing it, The Alpha Reset is our flagship transformational in-person event. We do it at the TPM Ranch. We have a 106-acre ranch. It’s majestic, it’s beautiful, and that’s where change happens in a very rapid period of time. We’ve seen the guys—sometimes I bring my wife and my kids to the end of an Alpha Reset—those guys are just open, right? And they say the longest distance a man will ever travel is from his head to his heart. And for me, figuring that out was really a challenge because TPM wasn’t around, there wasn’t an Alpha Reset, and I was like, “What the heck do you mean, getting to your heart more? This is BS.” I said a lot more curse words, guys. I was in the truck by myself, and I drove halfway across the country one time trying to figure this thing out. So many journeys. And I can tell you what I told you—well, what I told you this morning—you know, is, “Hey, we’re disconnected. Let’s connect.” And you just melted into me when I told you that. I just called out what we both knew, right?
Doug Holt: And so for this guy who’s asking, “What do women really want when it comes to emotional connection?” It’s a feeling. It’s not a doing, and that’s the hardest thing for us guys to get. It’s not a doing. It’s not like, “Okay, Erin and I aren’t connected. Hmm, let me go ahead and take out the trash, sweep, or whatever, push these buttons.” It’s not the doing part. It’s calling it out. That’s the first step of like, “Hey, I’m feeling like we’re not as connected as we could be, right?” And your wife—if you feel it, guys, she definitely feels it, right? And so how do you get back into it? The first thing to do, in my opinion, is to call it out. If you notice it, call it out, and then pull her—to your point—pull her in and let her know, “I’m your leader.” Yeah, you want to be connected. You want to be with her on this journey. And for whatever reason, to your point in the previous podcast, it could be part of her cycles, something else is going on, could be the kids are doing this or whatever. There are a million other reasons why you guys could not be connected, and it might not have anything to do with you. But calling it out lets her know that you’re in tune with her, at least, and you’re calling out the elephant in the room because she obviously knows it.
Now, if you can’t figure out if you’re connected or not, get your ass to an Alpha Reset. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Get there as soon as possible. Guys, we have a waiting list, I get it. We’re doing our best to serve as many men as we can. It is a small group of men that get to come to this, but that’s how you get in touch and get in tune. And then you bring those other steps back—the steps that Erin recommended, the steps that she gave you guys. That is the key. Question: Is emotional connection important to a woman?
Erin Holt: 30:18
It’s like the most important thing.
Doug Holt: One more time, what is it?
Erin Holt: It’s the most important thing.
Doug Holt: 30:23
Guys, do you not listen to her? It is—the ear, emotional connection—I can see it in your eyes. I can feel it from you. It is the most important thing, guys. You get to figure this out. You do not have to be her everything and her everything for her emotional connection at all. That is not your role or responsibility, but just be in tune, right? This is a woman you love. Be in tune with what’s going on, what’s coming up with her, so that you can be there to support her along her journey. She’s a powerful woman, too. None of our guys marry weak women—they don’t. Powerful men marry powerful women, and you married your wife, and you want to give her the best, and she wants to give you the best. And some of you guys have just lost track of each other. So this is a great way of coming full circle back together.
And so, for this guy who’s trying to figure out what his wife wants to be more emotionally connected, I think it starts with you. Start working on yourself and figuring out how to become more connected to yourself. Because if you’re not connected to yourself, guys, you can’t connect to another human. It’s the weirdest thing. When I first heard that, in fact, you told me, gosh, 11 or 12 years ago at this point, the whole idea—”Oh, you have a big heart. I wish you would just show your heart more.” I was like, “What the hell are you talking about? I gotta go run a business. I gotta go do this.” And okay, I love you. Guys aren’t taught this at all. And when men become more connected to this and allow ourselves to be emotionally connected, gentlemen, I can tell you 100% of the time—and I promise you, 100% of the time—men lead more happy, fulfilling lives for themselves, which tends to lead to more happy, fulfilling lives for their kids, for their partners, whether it’s their wives or girlfriends or anybody else. But in general, everybody just lives a better life because you can still use your head, but now you can tap into that emotional connection. And that, my friends, is what your wife is looking for.
Erin Holt: 32:30
Totally.
Doug Holt: 32:31
Awesome. Thanks so much for answering these questions. I know the guys absolutely love it. I do. I have a lot of fun talking to you about these things.
Erin Holt: I do, too.
Doug Holt: It gives us time to connect, and without the kids running around, you know, and doing things like that. But it’s just absolutely awesome. So, thank you.
Erin Holt: Thank you.
Doug Holt: Gentlemen, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. I know we only got through a few of these questions today. I have a bunch that are on here, but keep them coming, right? And as you think about these things that we’ve talked about, whether it be vulnerability, whether it be emotional connection—Erin’s sitting here sharing with you guys like, this is the sauce of life for your woman. This is her lifeblood, right? You wouldn’t want your wife denying you the possibility of your lifeblood, the things that you want the most. So, instead of complaining about what you’re not getting, “Hey, I’m not getting this thing. She’s not giving me blow jobs or whatever else it is,” start by filling her cup up, too. Right? This is not horse trading. It’s not transactional. Do those things. Learn the skills. Do the things that 1000s of men we’ve successfully helped have been through the program. Learn the skills necessary to provide the women in your life—your wife, your kids, other women friends—give them what they need to thrive, to live in their femininity, their power, and live in return to your masculinity, which doesn’t mean beating your chest or being that guy all puffed out. It just means being centered, being grounded, being attuned with who you are as a human, as a man. You know, we are different than women, but we do what we gotta do, guys. And Erin said this so many times—women are waiting for their men to lead, and leading means taking action. That’s why I end these shows with “In the moment of insight.” So, in other words, you learn something—take massive action. Take leadership. So many of us guys have given up our leadership to others, and it’s time for you to take leadership.
If you’re interested in joining The Activation Method or finding out more information, guys, go over to the website. Super simple. There will be a link below. It’s at thepowerfulman.com. Learn more about what we do and how we’ve helped 1000s upon 1000s of men just like you. But whatever you do, take action. We’ll see you next time on The TPM Show.
