The Trust Equation: Honesty, Consistency, and Accountability

Episode #1079

If your relationship is on the rocks, it’s tempting to go big. A new car, a luxury trip, maybe even building the dream home. But here’s the hard truth trust can’t be bought.

In this episode, Tim and Bruce break down why trying to buy your way out of broken trust never works, and what actually does. They get into the real building blocks of trust: honesty, consistency, and accountability. This isn’t about doing grand gestures. It’s about showing up every day the way you said you would and owning it when you don’t.

They also cover a hidden dynamic most men miss: “safety tests.” These are moments when your partner is checking if it’s safe to open up again, often disguised as conflict. How you respond matters more than you think.

Rebuilding trust takes time, and if you’re feeling frustrated by how slow it’s going, this episode is for you. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being steady. And if you’ve been reacting, getting defensive, or tying your worth to her mood, this is the reset you need.

Start small. Pick one thing this week you can follow through on without fail. One consistent action to prove you’re serious about showing up differently.

If your marriage is in a tough spot, don’t wait.
Get free access to the training that shows you exactly how to rebuild trust and connection without long talks or therapy.
Watch it here: https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales

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Transcription

Tim Matthews 0:00
Unless I’m showing up the way I say I will, how can you ever build trust? Underneath is a quiet belief that if I do enough, buy enough, provide enough, she’ll finally feel safe again. Naturally, the woman is going to have her walls up because she’s been hurt.

Bruce 0:15
Buying the nice piece of jewelry, buying the flashy new car, is not going to buy trust.

Tim Matthews 0:21
And one of the ways that this can display itself is through safety tests, your ability to be consistent with your actions, to honor your word.

Tim Matthews 0:42
Hey guys, welcome to another episode of The TPM Show. My name is Tim Matthews, and I’m joined by the wonderful Mr. Bruce Grater, who is known as a CFO.

Bruce 0:51
That’s a Chief Fun Officer or a Chief Financial Officer?

Tim Matthews 0:54
I’ll let you decide, hopefully both. Yeah, I’ll let you decide. So, trying to buy back her trust again. This topic came up from one of the issues, or one of the pitfalls really, that one of the men had fallen into, who was trying to buy back his wife’s trust.

So there had been years of broken promises, trust had been very much eroded, and he thought that all he needed to do was build them the dream home. All he needed to do was book them the bucket-list vacation. All he needed to do was, insert blank, buy her the dream car, whatever it may be. And he was very confused as to why it never worked. She said she wanted this thing, and to him it was a really big deal. He went and did these things, but as you can imagine, trust wasn’t rebuilt. So why do you think that was?

Bruce 1:54
For me, it gets back to accountability. It’s kind of, unless I’m showing up the way I say I will, how can you ever build trust? So the mantra for me is, I do what I say I will do. I say what I will do. My actions match my words. If my actions are not matching my words, why would anybody trust me?

So I think it’s really about holding myself accountable. If I can’t show up the way I say I will, why would anybody trust me? It’s not about promising the big house or the flashy car, it’s about promising to show up in a certain way, and then showing up in that way, whatever that is for that man or that relationship.

Tim Matthews 2:49
Yeah, I was thinking consistency, which, as you’re saying, they’re very much hand in hand. But yeah, underneath is that quiet belief that if I do enough, buy enough, provide enough, she’ll finally feel safe again, which is very much a misnomer.

Trust can’t be bought. It has to be earned. It has to be earned, and it can only be earned over time by being consistent. I think some other ways in which trust can be earned is through honesty as well, because even if you don’t do what you say you’re going to do, but you’re able to own it, and you come clean and own your side of the street with humility and responsibility, without defensiveness, and you can validate the impact that your actions may have had on the other person, that in itself can very much build trust, not even maintain it.

Because the ability for a man to be able to take responsibility without being prompted, may I add, is one that’s going to build a lot of respect and a lot of trust in the eyes of his partner. And the key point there is, without being prompted to. It’s very different if she has to pull you on it and then you own it, versus if you were to own it first.

Bruce 4:13
Yeah, I agree completely. That whole honesty thing to me is massive. If I can say, “I messed up,” it takes some courage to do that, 100%, it takes massive courage. I think a partner, a wife, may not like that in the moment, but I think that builds respect, and through that respect comes the trust.

Tim Matthews 4:33
100%. I think one of the things that the guys don’t necessarily remember is during this process of rebuilding trust, depending on what’s happened in the relationship, naturally, the woman is going to have her walls up because she’s been hurt.

The process of her taking down those walls is going to involve her typically displaying some emotional safeguarding, which is essentially protecting herself still. And one of the ways that this can display itself is through safety tests.

Safety tests can show up with her choosing to either pick a grievance, a complaint, or prod, or push, or whatever it may be, essentially tests where she’s checking where you’re at. How are you going to react? Are you going to react, or are you going to respond instead? Are you going to be defensive, or are you going to validate?

Are you going to have your self-worth tied to the mood of the relationship, or is she free to be who she wants to be? Because the feminine nature and energy wants to flow without you collapsing. Or are you going to collapse and again, get defensive? So it’s very important in rebuilding trust to be aware of that piece.

Bruce 5:56
I loved what you said there about barriers and then the safety tests, because I think we, as men and as women, put up our barriers first to make ourselves feel safe. So when the barriers are up, I’m guessing a wife or partner is asking herself, “Is it safe for me to bring the barriers down to reestablish the relationship?”

And the way of testing whether it’s safe to bring the barriers down is by doing those safety tests you speak about. It’s, I guess, her way of saying, “Are your barriers up?”

Tim Matthews 6:30
I think it is, yeah. I think it’s a great way of putting it.

Bruce 6:33
You know, are you going to be honest? Are you going to let your barriers down and demonstrate that it’s okay to recreate that kind of safe place with barriers down? Because that vulnerable place is what makes deeper connection. A connection when there are barriers in place, it doesn’t happen then.

Tim Matthews 6:54
No, no, no, I think you’re spot on. I think something that trips men up in this process, and actually leads them to trying to buy back the trust, is their impatience. They’re used to being able to get what they want, typically when they want it. And if they’re not getting it, they’re able to exert their influence and their force, ultimately, because in the transactional world of business, it’s very different.

Doug Holt 7:20
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I’m sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what’s broken. And not only do you need to know what’s broken, but you need a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That’s the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you’re going to be toiling with things.

That’s why I created a free training, a training that not only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have, but also how you get it back. How do you retain that, where your wife’s looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said “I do”?

You know, I don’t know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I’m her man, I feel like I can conquer the world, and I want that for you. Simply go over to https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales. That’s https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales, and I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates for you.

Now, back to the podcast.

Tim Matthews 8:22
But in a relationship, that isn’t going to work for you. Try and do that, and you’re going to erode the trust even more. So the ability to very much settle in for the long haul, that hey, this rebuilding of trust is going to take some time, is key.

It’s going to require, to your first point, you to be consistent with your actions, you to honor your word, and if you break your word, for you to quickly take accountability for it in a way whereby you are not defensive. You can’t blame it on someone or something else. Instead, you actually validate the impact of your actions on her, especially if she’s learning to take down her walls.

You might say something like, “I know that I have broken the trust over the years, and I can only imagine how difficult it is for you right now to be taking down the wall.” Obviously, if she’s used the word “wall,” be careful with that, sorry, if she hasn’t used it, be careful if she has, you’re good. “I can only imagine how scary it is. I understand that it’s risky for you, and you don’t want to get hurt again. So I’m sorry if my actions have caused you to feel any unease or uncertainty about what you do, and that’s not my intention. I’m really sorry for that.”

And obviously, state what you’re going to do differently next time, and follow through with it. You’ve got to state what’s going to be different and make sure you honor the words.

So the consistency is key. The accountability around your actions is key. The awareness of what’s going on on the field of play, like the safety tests, the emotional safeguarding, and then also the piece around impatience. You’ve got to make sure impatience doesn’t creep in, because if it does, you’re going to become reactive.

And if impatience is creeping in, you get to look at why that is, because typically that’s going to be because either your worth is tied to the mood of the relationship, or you could be so used to seeking validation from your wife that when you’re not getting it, it becomes uneasy.

There could be attachment issues there, you could have an insecure attachment style. So therefore, again, when you’re not getting what you want, you get anxious, you get angry, you get avoidant, whatever it may be. But if you’re becoming impatient, it’s really key to be able to look at yourself first, making sure your side of the street is absolutely clean.

Oftentimes I see the guys do this, they’ll point to their neighbor, their wife, “Hey, it’s your side of the street.” In actual fact, if they look at their side of the street, it’s actually a little bit of a mess as well.

Bruce 11:13
Sure. I like what you said about it being a journey. Earning trust takes time. It’s not a short-term transaction, it’s a long-term journey. Buying the nice piece of jewelry, buying the flashy new car, is not going to buy trust. Trust comes earned, it’s earned by being honest in the moment, every moment, over time.

Tim Matthews 11:36
Do you know what? It’s a good thing that it’s not a transaction, because if it was, they’d be well overdrawn, completely. You know, it’s a good thing that it slowly erodes, because it gives them the chance to be able to repair it.

Yet, if they had it their way, and they could buy it back, and it was rebuilt so quickly, then the converse has to be true, it can also be lost so quickly. Which, once it’s been fractured over a prolonged period of broken promises, then yeah, it can be lost quickly, but that’s because it’s taken time to get to that position. Typically, there’s been a slow erosion.

Is there anything else you want to share with the guys, Bruce, who are listening to this and it’s resonating with them?

Bruce 12:24
To make the observation that I found it’s difficult to have those conversations to rebuild trust, but it’s so worth it. But I said conversations, not conversation. It’s something that happens over time, in my experience.

Tim Matthews 12:40
Yeah, and there are some key conversations there, for them to be in conversations with themselves. Sure, sure. What are their triggers? What are their patterns? What’s showing up for them? Could go to the self-sabotage that we spoke about a few episodes ago, right?

Ideally, a conversation with other men, absolutely, an absolute key conversation for them to have, and then also conversations with their wife. You know, they may have to sit in the fire, they may have to hear some hard truths, and it’s key within that conversation that they don’t get defensive. They must validate.

Yeah, that’s a whole podcast topic in itself, how to have those conversations. It’s several podcast topics. But trust isn’t something you just buy back on a Thursday, no way. Trust is something you earn all the time.

If you say you’re going to be off your phone by six, be off your phone at six. If it’s 5:30 and you know you’re going to have to extend it, communicate, “Hey, I know I said I’d be off my phone by six, but it’s actually going to be 6:30 tonight.” And then do it.

If that becomes a pattern, that’s an issue, because you’ve got an agreement in place that you’ve got to honor, right? If you say you’re going to pick up the kids, pick them up. If you say you’re going to go on a date night, be ready and go on a date night. You must begin to honor your word.

We’ve spoken before about the fastest way to build confidence is to make and keep promises to yourself. The fastest way to lose confidence, make and break them. The same is true in the relationship. Exactly, one of the fastest ways to build trust, make and keep promises. Fastest way to lose trust, make and break promises.

The space between two people is where their relationship exists. You have both individuals; the relationship is how two individuals relate to one another. It’s the space between, and protecting that space is key. This element of integrity and consistency and trust is absolutely key.

So I have a question for you guys who are listening to this: What is one small, consistent behavior you know would make you more trustworthy this week? What is one small, consistent behavior you know that would make you more trustworthy this week?

Thanks again for joining us, guys, another episode of The TPM Show. We’ll see you next time.