Episode #858
Have you ever had everything you thought would make you happy but felt emptier than ever?
In this episode, we dive into the complex emotions behind the facade of success. Our guest, Stu, shares his raw and personal journey from feeling unfulfilled despite having a thriving business and a loving family to finding clarity and joy.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
- The hidden struggles of maintaining a perfect facade while feeling lost inside.
- How societal expectations can lead to feelings of emptiness and shame.
- Stu’s breakthrough moments that led him to address the root causes of his unhappiness.
- The transformative power of community and personal development.
- Practical steps to recognize and overcome the invisible chains holding you back from true happiness.
Join us as we explore the deeper layers of personal growth and learn how to break free from the trap of chasing external validation. Whether you’re feeling stuck in a rut or seeking deeper fulfillment, this episode offers insights and inspiration for your journey toward genuine happiness.
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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
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Transcription
Stu Gordon 0:00
I was married happily, with two kids. So in the face of it, everything was great, life was good. We had everything that should make a person happy. But under the surface, things weren’t great. I didn’t really know why. Just found it difficult to be happy. I just wasn’t happy.
Tim Matthews 0:18
What was that like? Because I imagine that must have been very confusing.
Stu Gordon 0:22
It’s horrible. Yeah, it was horrible to have the swings and emotions, to have the swings in how I’d show up and behave with Claire and the girls, to feel the guilt around it, and to not understand why I was doing it. It was incredibly difficult.
Tim Matthews 0:42
I go. Have you ever been in a position where you have been successful yet felt very unhappy, you have people around you, yet you feel alone. Everyone looks to you for the answers, yet you don’t know what to say on this episode, we’re going to dive into the journey of Mr. Stewie G. You were with us on the last episode. He’s going to share a little bit about his journey coming into the movement six years ago, what brought him to it, and the transformation that has taken place over that time. Nice to have you here, brother. So I know you shared in the last episode a little 32nd intro as to where you were prior to the movement. Because for those that haven’t caught the previous episode, so Stu you are our head of client success. You have been on the team now for three years. Three years prior to that, you were in the movement for about three years. Obviously you joined The Activation Method for yourself. So just give a quick 32nd synopsis of where you were six years ago when you first came into the program, yeah.
Stu Gordon 2:01
So six years ago, I was a business owner. I was married happily, with two kids. So in the face of it, everything was great, life was good. We had everything that should make a person happy. But under the surface, things weren’t great. I didn’t really know why. I didn’t have an awareness of why that was, and people around me didn’t, didn’t really understand either, but I just wasn’t in a great place. I was irritable, I was unhappy, I was sad. I’d have almost breakdowns, if I’m really honest, which meant then that I would be reactive with my wife, reactive with the kids, and just found it difficult to be happy. I just wasn’t happy, and I didn’t know why.
Tim Matthews 2:48
Am I right in saying at that point, you kind of had everything that meant you should be happy?
Stu Gordon 2:53
On the face of it, though, the wife, the kids, health, a successful business, lovely house, cars, so all the material things that you should have and as well, from a relationship point of view, I relationship with my wife and my kids, that that should have made me happy. So it wasn’t. It wasn’t. I could point to something to say, hey, my marriage is breaking down, or there’s something that’s my business is failing to make me sad. From the outside, looking in, everyone has gone would have said he’s successful, he’s happy, he’s got it all.
Tim Matthews 3:23
Was that like? Because I imagine that must have been very confusing.
Stu Gordon 3:27
It’s horrible. Yeah, it was horrible to have the swings and emotions, to have the swings and how I’d show up and behave with Claire and the girls, to feel the guilt around it and to not understand why I was doing it was incredibly difficult, which made it worse, pushing into a cycle of doing the same stuff. And it got worse and worse, and before it came to almost breaking point. But certainly, what I remember was just the feelings of emptiness, the feelings of almost being unfulfilled despite the business growing, despite being married, despite buying the new car. See, it was really difficult because I had no idea why I was behaving the way that I was, or why I was feeling the way that I was. And quite honestly, the day before I spoke to you, the doctor was gonna put me on medication for antidepressants. So that was the solution that was presented to me was okay, well, we’ll sort that out with some tablets.
Tim Matthews 4:23
When you bought the car or bought the house or whatever, did you get any temporary relief from this?
Stu Gordon 4:29
Maybe a little bit, maybe a little bit. As we talked about in the last episode, I got a lot of validation from growing the business and doing things for other people. So I got temporary at least by making other people happy. And I still know that there was a slightly different energy around it. I still enjoy making people happy. I still love giving, but not to get anything back in return, and not to try and make myself feel happier. Just gotta do it because I can, because, because I enjoy it. So yeah, buying the car or buying the house might be a bit off. A temporary solution, but then the bar just got raised higher. Ah, great. I’ve just grown the business. It’s hit seven figures. Oh, great. Well, thought that would make me happy, and it doesn’t. So the bar just kept getting raised and nothing. And I was chasing a goal that I couldn’t that I couldn’t reach.
Tim Matthews 5:16
Was it tiring? It’s relentless.
Stu Gordon 5:20
Absolutely relentless
Tim Matthews 5:23
Yeah, what did it cost you?
Stu Gordon 5:29
Luckily, it didn’t cost me much. I think I got very, very lucky that I’m gonna say this, that I spoke to you on the phone but I think about where it might have taken me. We’ve talked about this previously. We are the only two in our family still together and married, so there’s just a relationship broken all over the place. And then I think about a lot of the guys in the movement who come to us, and thankfully, whether by chance or by not, I got to start recognizing this and work on it before it caused the damage that it was going to cause. So I have no doubt if I’d carried on babe in the way I was, my marriage would have been ruined, or it would have been not a patch on what it is now. I would have continued to pass on the blame and the shame to my kids. It would have just continued the cycle. The price I was paying was, I suppose, self-sabotage, never feeling good enough, never feeling worthy, and that was just getting worse and worse and worse.
Tim Matthews 6:33
How did that show up? Would you drink more? Would you withdraw?
Stu Gordon 6:40
Yeah, again, I was lucky that I didn’t go down to to have no to some of the stuff that some of the guys come in with when they’re when they’re really struggling. But yeah, I would withdraw. I would know food was a big one for me. So, my unconscious commitment was that I didn’t deserve to have to be in good shape or so. I’d, I’d eat as a in the evenings. I would, I would eat just to try and have a bit of a stress release. And I didn’t realize at the time that that was a self-sabotage, almost. You don’t deserve to have the body that you want to have. You don’t deserve to be fit and healthy. But really, it’s what I was doing at home. It was it was passing it on to Claire. It was pushing her down by making her feel guilty for stuff that was entirely my own, that was the worst bit of it. So we’d have a big blow up, or we’d have we’d have a disagreement start again. We’d have a minor disagreement about something, usually to do with the kids. A lot of this stuff didn’t show up until I had kids, because I could just escape from it and go out the door. But we’d have the most minor disagreement about how to handle a situation, particularly with Ava, when she was young when this first started showing up, and it would just be blowing out of proportion, it would just be a huge thing. Clever get me to feel guilty about it. She would to the point that she’d had to apologize. This could go on for days, days, and days and days over nothing. So it was starting a huge disconnect between us. It was punishing the wife for things that she didn’t deserve to be punished for. And for me, I knew I was doing it, but I couldn’t stop it.
Tim Matthews 8:10
Just had something inside of you that you didn’t know what it was that was causing you to act somewhere.
Stu Gordon 8:15
Yeah, yeah. And that then made things a million times worse, because I didn’t want to do it. She didn’t deserve it. But I couldn’t stop myself.
Tim Matthews 8:23
I got to imagine that to everybody else as well, you looked like you had it all together, right? The house, the business, the marriage, the kids. So I’m guessing that when you’re acting this way, yet going out in public and people think there’s a different version of you that must create some kind of shame and almost like a feeling, I’ve been a bit of an imposter, like, holy shit. What if they find out? You know, when will the rug be pulled from beneath me?
Stu Gordon 8:51
Imposter syndrome has been my biggest thing probably ever, which I’m I’m grateful that I’ve pretty much left that go, but that’s been five, six years of dealing with it, but yeah, if you’re out of integrity with what you’re saying to people or how you’re showing up, then you feel like a fraud. Doesn’t matter, as you see, said, Hey, you can’t lie to yourself. So people might think on the outside, oh, perception, this guy’s great. Got it all together. But if you know you’re at home treating your wife like crap and short and behaving in a certain way, or you’re unable to rectify situations. So rather than me being able to be calm in those moments and just talk about things, or go and take some time for myself and come back, it was just this huge thing. I’d storm out of the house. I’d be out. I could be out for hours. I could drag out, drag it on for days until she would have I’d make her apologize, usually, for not something that was her fault, but the place I was in as that was going on, which I’ve now learned, is really deep in shame. That was the dark place. That was the worst bit.
Doug Holt 9:51
Hey guys, sorry to interrupt this episode, but the reality is, if you are watching or listening to this right now, then you are looking to better yourself. And I applaud you. You’re one of my people, and I want to give you the opportunity to take massive action. So if you haven’t joined The Activation Method yet, it’s our flagship program, do what 1000s of other businessmen, just like you have done, and take action. Be one of the one percenters that does the work and takes action. There’ll be a link in the description that’ll take you right to a page that’ll just give you more information. There is no obligation just go check it out and see if it’s a good fit for you.
Stu Gordon 10:31
All right, let’s get back to this episode, realizing that I was in the wrong but not being able to admit or do anything about it pushed me to a very dark place, from being a 10 out of 10 happy to to a zero like that.
Tim Matthews 10:48
What do you mean by a dark place was that, like
Stu Gordon 10:52
I was never suicidal, but I’d have some, I’d have some pretty stupid thoughts about harming myself or doing stupid things, and the world would be better off without me. Yeah, from nowhere, from nowhere. Never had that kind of feeling or anything before, but I think I felt so guilty and so ashamed for how I was behaving or for not being able to do something about it that just felt worthless by a piece of shit.
Tim Matthews 11:21
Felt Well, that’s a key piece as well, because, as a business owner and guys we work with, they are so used to being able to fix problems and do something about it, yeah, that then when they aren’t able to, because they don’t know what it is, it’s this feeling of helplessness and shame. To your point, I’m a failure. I’m a fraud. What’s wrong with me?
Stu Gordon 11:44
Yeah, it’s tough. Because as business owners or senior execs or people who are like you, used to be able to fix anything. I can change energy. I can fix it. I can work harder at it. I can throw money at it. Doesn’t work like that. And actually, for me and for most people, if you’re a business owner, it’s very, very lonely. It can be a very lonely place because people are used to you helping them providing for them or fixing things for them, and you close the door at the end of the day. Oh, it’s just me.
Tim Matthews 12:14
The highest incidence of mental health issues is in entrepreneurs. Yeah, a huge instance of it, anxiety, depression, all sorts.
Stu Gordon 12:25
Yeah, I’ve no doubt, and I don’t, I don’t label it as anxiety for me now I just accept that’s who I am. But I’ve no doubt that that also made me very successful. Drive, drive me, and drive me, but it doesn’t fulfill you.
Tim Matthews 12:39
Works, works, right? So let’s flip the script. The flip side of that. Tell us a bit about that, because you are on the other side of it.
Stu Gordon 12:52
Look the short term, when it, when it, when it dived in and started doing the work was, was two or three weeks of thinking, What the hell am I doing here? This doesn’t apply to me, and then those in The Activation Method, yeah, not really. I suppose the idea for me, especially people in the UK, is like, now we don’t work on ourselves. We don’t talk about feelings and emotions. That was, to an extent, my family’s story as well. So I think I was very resistant to start with until a few things started to land. And the key thing for me, for that was when we asked the question, you know, what were you caught at the crossfire of that’s going to be able to start on picking the wise? So I’ve kind of doing that for six years. And, yeah, look things, things shifted very quickly. Trying to get emotional on this, because I’m definitely going to cry on camera. But you know, the message I got from my wife after I did my The Alpha Reset when she said we didn’t know she had no idea. On her face for her, everything was great. She was happy until I could say, Hang on a minute. You know when I do that when we fall out with each other. But this is the reason why, and the awareness in her face of thank God. Goosebumps. Yeah, big time. And then to come back from my The Alpha Reset and for her to say, you’ve got this inner light. What were the words, you’ve got this inner light? And I was like, yeah, things aren’t as heavy anymore.
Tim Matthews 14:12
It was a big three months for you going through that program that was pretty intense.
Stu Gordon 14:15
Yeah, but it was The Alpha Reset is the best thing I’ve ever done, the biggest gift I’ve ever given to myself and my family, by that shadow of a doubt. That’s why I now go back and previously volunteer, and obviously now do it because I work here because it’s incredible. It’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen. It changed my life, but the journey is a constant one, and as I shared with you guys yesterday as a leadership team and got quite emotional about it, okay, it’s only the last few weeks I’ve really let go of some other pieces. So it’s you can get some quick results like I did in those three months. But these things are these things are hardwired and programmed into you, if it’s from your upbringing or something, as it was, as it was for me. So yeah, things are a hell of a lot lighter. I don’t take life as seriously anymore. I. React differently. I own things differently. I care an awful lot less about what other people think about me, and that’s not in a blase way, but I used to be so hung on. What does this person think of me? What does that person think of me? I needed the validation. I’m kind of comfortable in my own skin now, and that was not me for 40 years.
Tim Matthews 15:20
Yeah, I love it. We often talk about the journey being the destination, right? A lot of guys come in wanting a quick fix, When am I done? When am I done? And look The Activation Method for self, which obviously includes The Alpha Reset, does a great job of identifying the root cause of a lot of the behaviors. So to your point, I don’t understand. What is it? It does a fantastic job of providing a program and a space whereby you actually realize what the root cause is, and you’re able to actually release it, and obviously, after There are levels to the game. But even after that, like you said, I think the result that we see the many experiences from doing The Activation Method for self is huge. I mean that, in itself, can change a lot for the men, personally, relationally, with the wife and kids, professionally, and yeah, if you’re a student of life like you are, and you choose to continue to peel more and more layers back then, you know, the sky’s the limit, right?
Stu Gordon 16:23
It’s like releasing the handbrake. That’s what that’s what it felt like. And most of the guys, when they come into whether it’s time for a relationship or time for self, they only understand the symptoms. This is how it’s showing up. This is what it stopped me from having. This can be behaving a certain way, but it’s the layer underneath that, as I say, when you first spoke, I thought this just sounded a little bit BGB to me. I’m not buying this, but it helps you unpick the fact that, oh, there’s stuff going under the surface here, the stuff that I have absolutely no awareness of at all. And when you peel back that first layer of the onion, you quite find, quite often there’s quite a few layers, and you get to choose how many of them you want to peel away. And for some guys, they do time for themselves. Do The Activation Method. They blow that story on the Great Other people need to continually do it.
Tim Matthews 17:12
I agree. So what advice would you give to a guy who’s listening to this? He’s resonating, successful, has all the things that mean he should be happy he isn’t. Feels unhappy, lonely, like a fraud, like a failure.
Stu Gordon 17:29
Yeah, you asked me this before. I think we when we talked about this previously, don’t suffer in silence. That was a big thing for me, and I’m not in any way dismissing people who have mental health issues, who need help in some ways. But I think back to the fact that I could have been put on medication. That was the default straight away. Yeah, get you on medication. I hate to think where I would have gone with that. So at least entertain the possibility that you might be the issue, that you might this, and there’s something you might be able to do about it without having to go down the clinical routes because that works for some people. It doesn’t work for everybody, but just get some kind of help. Get some kind of help. For me, it was that I was, I think, a bit ashamed. Well, I was very ashamed to admit there was anything wrong with me. So I was trying to figure out myself. Didn’t have a clue. So I remember when I joined The Activation Method after thinking, well, I spoke to you after sitting on my kitchen floor crying my eyes out for no apparent reason, and I thought, I’ve got to do something about this. Thankfully, I chose this rather than the rule was going to go down. And then I got into my first Activation Method call. It’s a group coaching program with eight other people going on. Kind of ashamed, thinking it’s only me, no one else will understand. I can’t possibly do this. Oh, eight people feel exactly the same, like instantly lighter, instantly less ashamed, and we see it week after week after week. Now, people coming in thinking, no one else will understand. No one else has got these problems. I’m gonna be judged. We’ve got 1000 men in the community now there’s zero judgment. So finding a place wherever that is, and it’s gonna be different for everyone. This program, we know works, but there’s lots out there. But find something that works, find a community of people that understand, because just keeping it all inside that’s gonna eat away at you, and it’s, it’s, it’s gonna get better, not worse.
Tim Matthews 19:18
So, guys, you’ve heard it from the man himself. If you were inspired and touched anywhere by Stu’s story, then I encourage you to take his advice. Don’t suffer in silence. You are not alone. Whether you reach out to us here at TPM, whether you choose to speak to somebody else. Whatever it may be, just do something. The world needs you. Your family needs you, and you need you. We’ll see you next time on the TPM show.
